Maybe this one will have a better name

Julia Roberts is pregnant with baby #3. Miraculously, the world didn't stop spinning.

Ummm.....yeah, so another baby. I know she had a rough time with her twins, Hazel and Phinnaeus, towards the end of the pregnancy, so I hope she has an easier time of it now.

(Yes, Virginia, even bitter people can have moments of weakness. And they are called "wishing others well.")

The baby is due in the summer, and I hope that Jules feels she can take a nice sabbatical from movies after the birth. I'm sure she will be busy trying to keep the twins from "accidentally" hitting the new kid with one of their toys, or writing on it's face with a permanent marker.

Wow. That sounds exhausting.

And who would have thought she and her husband, Danny, would still be together, much less having a third child together? NOT ME!

Score one for Horseface.

Everybody hates Patty Heaton

Well, not EVERYBODY. I mean, I don't hate her. I just don't like her. A friend of mine can't stand her. BUT, he also doesn't like the NBC version of The Office, so clearly his views aren't to be trusted.

The whole Everybody Loves Raymond phenomenon went right over my head. I guess it's because I am bombarded by my parents on a daily basis and didn't need to see it played out on television. That's also why I don't watch House. The guy is a grouch. See: my father. Live with it daily, Hugh Laurie! Don't need to see it with a click of the remote.

Now, Ms. Kathy Griffin doesn't like Patty, either. Kathy was quoted as saying she doesn't like Patty's conservative views on gays and stem cell research when she attended a charity event at the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center earlier this month. I love a good celebrity feud! Kathy told the mostly gay audience that Patty is not to be trusted because she "hates you gays." Ouch!

Kathy also doesn't like it when Her Gays stab her in the back. I'm with you, Kathy! Your Gays were just looking for a little publicity. You are better off just hanging out with Lance and his boyfriend. Patty wouldn't approve, but whatever.

Man, I hate going back to work after a Holiday. Or any day, really.

Oh, Sean

Sean Penn has a lot of rage towards the President, and he's going to tell anyone that is nearby when he has a microphone.

Sean received the Christopher Reeve First Amendment Award at the Creative Coalition ceremony and stunned an audience full of people that make a lot of money by calling for the impeachment of Bush and Cheney.

Well, why not? You know January is a generally slow time of the new year. Maybe then.

Look, Sean has gotten all political since his days of smacking paparazzi upside the head. You remember that time, don't you? It's when Maddie had dark hair and an American accent. Think back. It will come to you.

His movies haven't been huge blockbusters, and it's been a few years since he won that Oscar. I think. It was, right? Like, two years ago? Three? As much as I love the Globes, Emmy's, and Oscar's, I can never remember from year-to-year who wins what.

Well, whatever. He's an Oscar winner. And he has important things to say about our country and President. Or something.

I'm over it. Tell Robin I loved her in The Princess Bride and on Santa Barbara.

I want world peace and another drink

Tara Connor is a big ole' mess. And I love it!

The reigning Miss USA has been druggin', whorin', and drinkin' for the past several months....and people were not happy. Including Donald Trump. What a buzzkill, Donald!

He and his bad rug held a press conference today where he stated that Tara would be able to keep her crown and was going to seek treatment for her Girls Gone Wild behavior. Well okay, then! Have fun.

Look, I get it. She's from a small town in Kentucky, she wins Miss USA, moves to New York, and suddenly she's realizing that there is more to life then volunteer work and public appearances. We've all been there, Tara. I used to live the life of a beauty queen, but I started getting wasted and hanging out with celebrities. It was too much.

Now I spend my days impatiently waiting for one more person to come up to my desk and complain about the food for our Department Holiday party. It's so much more fun then underage drinking and snorting coke. Really.

Good luck to Tara in rehab. May she meet a nice therapist who will convince her not to have sex with Donald. Because, I kind of get the feeling that in addition to the rehab, that was another part of the deal letting her keep the crown.

And, just EW!

I thought I looked like crap

BUT, then I saw this picture of Renee, and I felt a whole hell of a lot better.

I like how she is trying to convince someone she only took a little hit of Botox. Silly girl.

Renee has signed on to do a movie with George Clooney entitled Leatherheads. I thought she was stalking him after their breakup, but I guess George is a forgiving guy. Or, he's just as crazy as she is.

Hmmm.....something to ponder at work tomorrow.

Golden Globes

I love the Golden Globes. I really do. They are so much more fun then the Oscar's. Don't usually go on for days, either.

BUT, they really need to change the Best Supporting categories for television. They lump series, made-for-tv-movie and mini-series together. It's ridiculous.

Three words: Krasinski was robbed.

I am thrilled, though, that The Office and Steve Carell were nominated. Steve is up for Best Actor(which he won last year, and which I had to hear my friend whine and moan about because he is a snob and still hates the American version of The Office - ass!)along with Zach Braff, Jason Lee, Alec Baldwin, and Tony Shaloub. I would love to see a repeat from Steve, who is nothing short of brilliant, but I would be happy with anyone EXCEPT Shaloub. We all know he peaked as Antonio on Wings.

Brad was nominated for Babel, and I'm not bitter AT ALL that I don't have bleacher seats for the show. Because, you know, I could walk down any street in Stamford on any given day and bump into him(or someone that looks like him). Because life is fair like that.

SUCK IT, Beverly Hills Hotel. Thanks for ruining my dream of more photo ops and sunburn. HATE!

Grief requiring a tetanus shot

Because if this is true, then God help her.

Rumor has it that Jennifer Aniston met K-Fed at Club Citrus and didn't run away.

Say it with me know: WHAT?

Honey, I know you are still in mourning over Brad preferring Angie's cookie, but please. This is reprehensible.

Stay far away from that baby maker. He is nothing but trouble. And bad fashion sense.

Maybe she just thought he was the dj and she was trying to request Maddie's "Love Don't Live Here Anymore." Poor Jen.

Look, I mourn losing Brad to Angie, too. BUT, I don't talk to nasty-ass losers with no talent. I just work with them. Thank you! I'll be here all week!

Jen, go to Courtney's house and mix up a gallon of margaritas instead. I hear her new show, Dirt is horrible. Drown your sorrows like good girls.

The result of good genes

And they named her "Shiloh."

Damn, she's cute. Has Angie's lips. Brad's wistful look.

Makes me want to have a child with Brad.....more than ever. Gah! I hate my life.

Ummm.....well, that's great. Glad she's so cute. Really. Happy for everyone.

Sigh.

Mmmm.....drugs

Nicole Ritchie's diet plan has been exposed!

First, smoke some weed. Then, pop a Vicodin. You'll be way too tired to eat. EVER.

Way to kill the munchies, Nicole! Such a smart girl.

Dummy was pulled over in Burbank early this morning when two separate 911 calls told of a driver getting on to the Ventura Freeway via an exit ramp. When police caught up to her, she was in the carpool lane, talking on her cellphone, while keeping her foot on the brake.

When you see a job description in your local newspaper looking for someone who can "multi-task," this is what they mean. I bet Nicole would make a great Administrative Assistant.

I couldn't do a thing on Vicodin when I hurt my back a few months ago. Or my neck. One of those. Of course, it was really the generic kind, and it made me more jumpy then tired, but still. I knew not to drive. Unless it was for an ice cream run. DUH.

Nicole was listed at an ample(for a child)85 pounds. I think my left leg weighs that much.

I bet if she had a convertible, she would just float right out of the car. The girl just isn't right.

Maybe this experience will get her in the studio where she and papa Lionel can record a duet. Fingers crossed, everyone!!

Maybe Paris and Brit will sing backup. Ooooh.

Hello Dolly! I'm an idiot.

This is classic.

The 29th Annual Kennedy Center Honors was held this past Sunday, and Jessica Simpson proved that reading is really, really hard.

Papa Joe's first born was to sing the Dolly Parton hit "9 to 5" in front of Dolly and 4 other artists that were being honored. According to her publicist, Jessica was so nervous to be performing in front of another blonde with large breasts, that she insisted the words be printed on cue cards(after her request for a TelePrompTer was denied). Well, cue cards it was! And she still managed to flub a line.

Zoink!

Jess was reportedly very upset and given permission to perform the song again. Thank goodness! I can sleep easily tonight.

It's a wonder the girl is able to get out of her own way. How hard is it to learn a song? She's been on tour! She's had to remember her own craptastic lyrics so she could lip sync them on stage. If she is as big a Dolly fan as she claims, she should have known this song already. Plain and simple.

GAH! She bugs.

You know what this means, don't you? Panty-less appearances in support of her breakdown are in our future.

My brothers will be thrilled.

Oops I forgot my panties!

What is with Brit Brit flaunting her cooch all over Cali and Vegas? Good Lord, woman, put that thing away! Look at the type of men it attracts.

I know its hard to remember to wear any panties when you hang out with with Paris and Firecrotch, but really! Have some dignity. You are a mama for goodness sakes.

Yes, Britney, you do have children. Well, you at least have one. I'm not sure what happened to Sean Preston after you let Paris hold him. She probably sold him for some magic beans inside of Hyde nightclub. And by magic beans, I mean crack.

Hopefully the little guy is living a much safer life now. Of course, he could dodge traffic with a coke whore all day and be much safer then he would be living with Britney.

The girl has gone crazy, I tell ya!

Let the "Sunshine" through

One of my favorite films of the year, Little Miss Sunshine, scored five Independent Spirit Award nominations today.

It tied for most nominations with the film Half Nelson, starring Ryan Gosling as a drug-addicted high school teacher that buys from his students. Edgy!

Sadly, Steve Carell, Greg Kinnear, Toni Collette, and Abigail Breslin were not nominated. They were robbed, I tell ya. ROBBED!

Happily, Paul Dano and Alan Arkin will be competing for Best Supporting Actor. Best of luck for a two-way tie.

The Awards, dubbed the "anti-Oscars" will be held in Santa Monica on February 24th(the day before the Oscars). Sarah Silverman is back as host. Love her.

True love only lasts for 4 months

Or, however long it takes for your buzz to wear off.

Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are OVER. They each filed for divorce today, just four months after getting married three times.

Oy. People are dumb.

And, has anyone seen Pammy lately? She looks like she has had work done north of her breasts. Something about her face looks different. Maybe she's just laying off the coke.

And I'm already bored with this story.

Moving on to something more interesting - RUN, DON'T WALK to see For Your Consideration. It is an absolutely hilarious spoof of Hollywood done by the amazing Christopher Guest and crew. Jennifer Coolidge steals the show as a producer. Love her.

And I'm dying to know what they did to Catherine O'Hara to make her look like she had a facelift. Too funny.

But, seriously, you don't know where that hand has been

This is getting good.

Last Friday, ClayAiken guest-hosted on Live with Regis and Kelly. During the segment where he and Kelly interviewed Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke, Gayken felt he wasn't able to get a word in edgewise....so he covered Kelly's mouth with his hand.

Say what?

Kelly visibly bristled and then responded, "Oh, that's a no-no. I don't know where that hand has been, honey."

That gets two snaps in a circle!

I don't blame Kelly for being pissed. When you are a guest on someone's show, you don't try to upstage the host. And you don't put your hand over their mouth. First of all, that's nasty. Secondly, its just plain rude. And, does Clay know where Kelly's mouth has been? No, he doesn't.

Who knew little Clay had it in him? Probably Kathy Griffin. I would love to get her take on this.

Anyway, on today's episode of The View, Rosie O. went batshit over the incident. She claimed that Kelly's remark was homophobic, and that if it had been someone else(read: someone who wasn't gay)Kelly would not have made the remark.

Oh, Rosie. Someone needs a nap.

Last I checked, Clay was still fighting the gay rumors, so its not like he's officially "out" and Kelly was horrified to be sitting next to a gay man. Also, Kelly adores local NY weatherman Sam Champion, who IS officially out, but I'm sure she would have said the same thing to him if he had pulled that crap.

I don't care if you are gay, straight, black, white, annoying, sweet, boring or old. YOU DON'T TOUCH PEOPLE LIKE THAT. Its rude. Plain and simple. Keep your hands to yourself.

And come out already, Clay. Learn from Neil Patrick Harris and Lance Bass. No one gives a shit because we've all known it for years.

And that new hair color is not helping your case, btw. It screams drag queen.

Yes, there is something wrong with that

Cosmo Kramer is a racist! Get out!

This past Friday night, Michael Richards performed at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles. After getting heckled by two African American men in the audience, he proceeded to go nuts. Like, more than Kramer did when he saw Joe DiMaggio at Dinky Donuts.

He dropped the "N" bomb like it was going out of style, and stunned everyone in attendance. The incident was caught on an audience member's cellphone, and showed Richards pacing back and forth on stage while saying things like, "Throw his ass out. He's a n*****!"

Oh, Cosmo.

Today, the Laugh Factory held a press conference saying that Richards would be banned and his behavior would not be tolerated. Everyone at Friday night's show was refunded.

I, being cynical, smell two things: a cry for help, and for publicity. I doubt Julia Louis-Dreyfus is going to ask him to guest on The New Adventures of Old Christine now.

Richards will appear on David Letterman's show tonight, via satellite, to apologize. Coincidentally, Jerry Seinfeld will be a guest.

Good for Jerry, taking care of his psychotic friends. Yikes.

Upgrades suck

They really do.

So, Blogger has upgraded its system recently, and my low budget work computer won't let me log on anymore. What does this mean? My posts will now be old news. EW! How do they expect me to work like that?

So, here is a little wrap-up of the last few days:

Mario Lopez and his perma-bitch-face partner, Karina Smirnoff, can SUCK IT! They lost to Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke on Wednesday night's exciting Dancing with the Stars finale. It was incredible. Kudos to the reigning dance champs for some truly memorable weeks of television. And I still can't believe I watch this show.

Oh, and can someone please see fit to replace Samantha Harris next season? She was barely tolerable as an E! correspondent. There is no room in network television for her and her screaming. Samantha, hon, its called a microphone. You can speak into it with normal voice volume. HATE!

Last night's The Office broke my heart and made me laugh my ass off. I love and hate so much the things that show chooses to be. Thank God Jim is back in Scranton.

And I would like to give a pre-emptive congrats to Tom and Katie, who will be marrying this weekend in Italy. GAG. So lame.

George Clooney is the Sexiest Man Alive

Well, my Mom certainly thinks so. And so does People Magazine.

George was named the magazine's sexiest male for the 2nd time, tying the record of his good friend, Brad Pitt. Congrats, George! Please don't allow Ocean's 13 to suck.

Now, I will admit that I was a little pissed when I found out Patrick Dempsey came in 2nd. And by "a little pissed" I mean "threw a hissy like Naomi Campbell."

But, after throwing my cellphone at the hired help, I realized that 2nd place is fine. I mean, it's not like I'll ever meet either one of them, so who really gives a crap? My life is so out of whack that I'm now sitting here impatiently waiting for the finale of Dancing with the Stars, so I can get more pissed off when Mario Lopez steals that ghetto-looking trophy from Emmitt Smith!

Ahem.

So, congrats to George, who really is a good-looking son-of-a-bitch. Especially compared to Ashton Kutcher, who, I mean, c'mon People! EW! What were you thinking? The boy looks like bathing went out with his last good career move. And by "career move" I mean "marrying Demi."

What? I said it.

Rocking the catsuit

It's not a look I would feel comfortable with, but Kylie Minogue worked it on stage this past Sunday night in Australia. Oh, and look at that - she brought a good looking Irish fellow on stage with her. No, I'm not jealous. Why do you ask?

Bono joined Kylie during the 2nd night of her Showgirl Homecoming Tour, and they sang a duet of her single, "Kids," to a sold-out crowd of 10,000. I wish I was there, damnit!

After being diagnosed with cancer in Spring of 2005, Kylie is back on the road and looking better then ever. She credits the support of her family, and boyfriend Olivier Martinez, with helping her through that difficult time.

Kudos to you, Kylie! I'll even forget that horrible rendition of "The Locomotion." That's the kind of mood I'm in.

All dressed up with no drink in hand

That was our favorite lush, Tara Reid, as she strutted(without stumbling)down the red carpet at the premiere of The Fountain.

The movie stars Hugh Jackman as a man trying to save the life of the woman he loves, played by Rachel Weisz. The movie spans three generations, and involves the Fountain of Youth, so I'm sure Tara tried her best to pay attention in hopes of finding its exact location.

Well, I must say that she looked less slutty and more together then she has in a very long time, so kudos to whoever dressed her for the evening.

I just hope she didn't turn into a pumpkin at midnight and think she was back on Taradise. Yikes.

Joely Richardson leaves Nip/Tuck

Sadly, its not because of the storyline that Connor turns his lobster claw on Julia in a fit of infant rage. That would have been great!

In all seriousness, she is leaving the show because her 12-year-old daughter suffers from a circulation problem in her legs and will be undergoing numerous operations over the next several months.

Joely, who normally splits her time between Los Angeles and London, will move back to London full-time to be with her daughter(who she shares custody of with her ex).

Well, I do wish her daughter well and hope that these surgeries prove successful.

Still, a part of me wishes she was leaving for more scandalous reasons....like, she was pregnant with John Hensley's baby, and couldn't stand to be around him since they've broken up(Hensley plays her son, Matt, on the show), or Dylan Walsh and Julian McMahon couldn't stand her and forced her out.

I hate when celebrities are normal. It makes me feel funny.

"Huh?" and "Well, they better have!"

So, NBC has decided to give a full season pickup to Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. So much for the cancellation rumors.

I don't like this show. I gave it two episodes, and I was out. First of all, the dialogue is horrible. Everyone comes off sounding pretentious or whiny. Or both. Spare me, Sorkin.

Second, Amanda Peet is a horrible actor. I've never found her enjoyable in anything. She has such a wooden delivery and her attempt at humor is laughable for all the wrong reasons. And, no, this has nothing to do with the fact that she did a movie with Michael Vartan. I'm not jealous! I'm just annoyed.

Third, I don't like Matthew Perry. He bugs.

Better news is that ABC has picked up Men in Trees for a full season, and is moving it to Thursdays at 10:00 starting November 30th. I know, I know. I can Anne Heche-bash with the best of them(LONG LIVE CELESTIA!), but this show is really good. It's sweet and funny and (surprisingly) it got to me after I was able to move past the first ten minutes of the pilot episode(I swear that Anne sucked on helium. My ears were bleeding).

Plus, James Tupper is hot and doesn't speak much on the show. He's perfect!

Although, this now puts him in direct competition with Mr. John Stamos on ER.

Decisions, decisions.

In the meantime, I guess this is the end for Six Degrees. I finally went with my gut and took no interest in a J.J. Abrams-produced series. I think I'm the better for it.

Rumor has it that ABC may bring it back in January, but what's the point? I'm sure there will be a new Bachelor premiering by then. YAWN.

And then there will be two

Who will get kicked off of Dancing with the Stars tonight? I have no idea, but I'm rooting for Emmitt and Cheryl to win it all. And, yes, I actually voted last night on abc.com. Sue me.

Yes, Cheryl won last season with Drew Lachey, but if anyone deserves a 2nd straight win, its Ms. Burke. She has worked her ass off this season, and has turned Emmitt into a wonderful dancer. Who knew he was capable of it? Not me.

And, I'm sorry, but what is with the constant bitch face that Mario's partner, Karina, is always wearing? Honey, please. And enough with those wigs. I get the feeling she'd be just as happy becoming the newest member of the Pussycat Dolls. Your dancing does not impress, Ms. Smirnoff. Speaking of, I could use a cocktail.

Anyway, Joey (Whoa!) Lawrence still freaks me out with his bald head. Remember how much hair he had on Blossom? Where did it all go, Joey? Makes me worried that I may be bald by 40.

I guess I'll just borrow one of Karina's wigs.

*BREAKING NEWS*

Britney has finally woken up and smelled the Cheetos! Our favorite little mental mom has filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences. Like, I have money, and you can't even sell out Webster Hall! Oh, snap, y'all!

So long, K-Fed. It was horrible knowing you and I pray you shut the hell up for good.

Its time to turn away from all the entertainment shows, as they will milk this for all its worth. I hope Mark Steines can follow up his exclusive Anna Nicole interview with a K-Fed sit down. GAG.

Well, all I can say to Brit is "Good for you, ya little bumpkin!" Maybe she can finally get her life together. I wonder if Justin will call with congratulations? Not if Cam has anything to say about it.

I just hope those poor kids don't get a hold of Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. Haven't they suffered enough?

Maybe she just hates American Idol

That could be why Faith Hill lost it last night at the Country Music Awards. She lost to AI winner Carrie Underwood for Female Vocalist of the Year. Ouch!

Now, I haven't seen the video of Faith's freakout(thanks for nothing, low budget work software)but I hear it is hilarious. Think hands in the air, mouth dropping, and storming off backstage. Priceless!

Now, I'm not a big country music fan. I do like my Dixie Chicks, but I could not sit through an entire awards show(besides, they weren't even there)of people I don't know, listening to music I don't particularly care for. Besides, it was on a Monday night, and Heroes is on!

I can't wait to get home and see this less-then-proud moment from Faith. I think its hilarious that all of these stars give the b.s. about it being an "honor to be nominated," but as soon as they lose, their true colors come out.

Or, maybe she was really just pissed off at Keith Urban for going into rehab and ruining her chance to meet Nicole Kidman.

Okay, I've seen it: I think it was staged. Like, she over-reacted just a little too much. Still, coming out now and saying it was a joke, Faith? Hmmm......you knew that kind of reaction would get attention, so....wait...maybe the joke is on me. Because, seriously, I just blogged about Faith Hill.

What a minx!

Gwen, Doogie, and Mary Jane

Just a few random thoughts:

Gwen Stefani's new song, "Wind it Up," is horrible. I've never been a fan of yodelling, so there is the first strike against it. I'm pretty indifferent when it comes to "sampling," but I feel that Julie Andrews is bleeding from her ears as I type. Oh, Gwen. Was this Pharrell-approved? I feel it wasn't.

Poor Kingston probably covers his little ears when this is played.

Next, Neil Patrick Harris is gay. That "toot" you hear is my horn. Please. This was too easy. Love that his publicist said last week that "he is not of that persuasion." Hmmm.....maybe they meant vegetarian. Love ya, Neil! He is absolutely perfect playing a womanizer on How I Met Your Mother. Pure brilliance.

Finally, Kirsten Dunst is so annoying in Elizabethtown, that I question how I'm going to sit through her scenes in the next Spiderman movie. MY GOD, she was horrible. Yes, I know I'm late to the party, but I just watched it last week and am still traumatized. What was Cameron Crowe thinking???

Between her being the most annoying airline attendant EVER, and her need to take pictures with an invisible camera, I thought my head was going to explode from all the quirkiness. And don't get me started on how little chemistry she had with Orlando Bloom. Just awful.

Oh, and Kirsten, they're called bras. Wear one.

Someone needs a smack

As if I didn't find Kanye West utterly annoying already.

Last night, at the MTV Europe Awards, he bum rushed the stage when his video for "Touch the Sky" lost Video of the Year to some duo no one has ever heard of.

PSYCHO! Seriously, take a Vicodin.

It's fine to be bitter when you lose to Justice and Simian(like I said, never heard of them), BUT, keep it together when you are in a room full of people. Wait until you get home to stomp around like a fool and burn all of your copies of Ray(You know he got sick of Jamie Foxx, too.)

Here is the list of reasons he gave why his video should have won: It cost a million dollars, it had Pamela Anderson in it, and he jumped across canyons.

If he had put The Hoff in it, then he'd have a point.

SHUT UP, Kanye!

The only way I would have accepted this display of idiocy is if, when rushing the stage, he had run smack into Justin Timberlake and knocked him on his ass.

I guess there is always next year.

Stop the insanity!

Why on earth does anyone want to re-make the movie Working Girl????? And why is Jessica Simpson considering taking on the last good role of Melanie Griffith's career???

This is such a bad idea. Have studio executives learned nothing from The Dukes of Hazzard and Employee of the Month?

Because I have. And I didn't see either movie!

JESSICA SIMPSON CAN'T ACT. EVER. Like, even as a normal person.

I think the only reason people(supposedly)found her so charming on Newlyweds is because Nick balanced out her asshatery(yes, that is a word). Tuna or chicken? HA! Except, no. The only funny thing about that scene was Nick's look of horror at what an idiot he married.

Yeah, I know she claims that playing dumb is all an act, but look at Ashlee. She is just as much of an idiot in interviews.

Its definitely in the genes.

So, I'm hoping that someone will put a stop to this remake as soon as possible. I mean, there are already so many horrible ideas floating around out there.

Yes, Rob Zombie, I am looking at you and your "retelling" of Halloween. Kill me.

Reese wants to be Legally Separated

Thanks! I'll be here all week.

Ahem.

So, I know I shouldn't be surprised, but I am disappointed to read that Reese and Ryan are calling it quits after seven years of marriage.

Yes, they married young, and her career took off while his....zzzzz.....oh, right. But I was actually rooting for these two, and I rarely do that.

They seemed happy, and there were always pictures to be found of Ryan out with the kids. Maybe he got tired of playing Mr. Mom. Pssst: there is such a thing as birth control. I'm just sayin'.

I wonder if Reese's Oscar win went over well in their household....hmmmm.......

Now, I did hear rumors of infidelity on his part. I hope that isn't true.

And, because they have children, I hope that this doesn't turn nasty and become a public spectacle.

I mean, just look at all that poor Ireland Baldwin has had to endure. Two words for you: future stripper.

Put down the crack pipe, pick up the ice

The Carousel of Hope ball was this past Saturday, and Whitney stole the show. Sadly, it wasn't because of incoherent rambling brought on by drugs. Damn!

I have to say, she looked better than I've seen her in years. She bought a fabulous new wig and threw on some expensive jewels for the event. She arrived on the arm of Mr. Clive Davis, who I am now referring to as her Fairy Godfather(because, sadly, it looks like he's done more for her in the past few months then her own family).

Clive and Quincy Jones were honored at the event, which benefits the Barbara Davis Center for Childhood Diabetes. Very nice.

I also have to say, I think Whitney looked even better then Halle. I know, I'm just as shocked that I said it.

Maybe I'm on crack.

Sacred Heart can kick Seattle Grace's butt

NBC announced this week that they are bringing Scrubs back to their lineup starting November 30th. It will be in the heavily-populated time slot of 9:00 on Thursdays.

I AM SO EXCITED!

I love Scrubs. It is absolutely hilarious, and boasts one of the best casts in television history. Seriously.

Oh, right. It's going up against Grey's Anatomy. Guess what? I don't care.

The whiny bitches at Seattle Grace are getting on my last nerve. Shonda Rhimes must be smoking something if she thinks I'm going to continue to put up with Derek and Meredith being apart. (Shonda, its the only reason I watch the show. And you should cater to me. Thanks.)

And, can Izzie try to be an intelligent person and just deposit the money that Creepy Denny left her? Is that asking too much? And don't get me started on George and Callie. They have less chemistry together than Burke and Christina. Oops. Did I say that out loud? Yes, I actually screamed it.

When Alex Karev is my favorite character this season, then something is wrong. What is not wrong is how good Justin Chambers looks this season.

And, I'm all for Mark being back.....but, it really doesn't make sense that he is. He's a complete loser who cheated on Addison in the TWO MONTHS they lived together after Derek moved to Seattle. Clearly, the man can't keep it in his pants. Why are we supposed to care about him? Because he's Mr. Rebecca Gayheart? No, that's not enough of a reason.

So, it looks like the funny is going to win-out over the whiny. Sacred Heart had my loyalty first. They made me laugh on a weekly basis. And, let's face it...there aren't too many good comedies on television these days. BUT, Scrubs will be following my favorite show on t.v. - The Office. It's a win-win for me.

And, it really is all about me.

Pacey, do something about this!

Joshua Jackson, I am begging you to stop Katie from marrying Tom. I mean, you know Pacey would have crashed a Joey/Dawson wedding....and that marriage would have been just as laughable.

So, the wedding date has been set for November 18th in Italy. Hmmm.....where is my invite? I'll bet it got lost in the mail....along with a check made out to me for a trillion dollars. Damn.

Maybe Katie's parents can put a stop to this. But, why haven't they already? Maybe there are Scientologists parked outside of their home. Spooky.

Strange that Nic K. has given her blessing(what? why?), but all I've heard about Katie's parents are that they don't want a Scientology wedding for their little (brainwashed) girl.

Maybe L. Ron has them trapped in a spaceship somewhere......like, John and Kelly's backyard.

Well, I have a few weeks to devise a plan to help Katie escape. Or, I could just rewatch episodes of The Office on TiVo. I do love TiVo.

Good luck, Katie.

Maddie, Maddie, Maddie

What the hell is going on?

She's not adopting a child. Then, she is. Then, 18-month-old David is being brought to the US with one of her assistants.

Now, David's father claims that he thought Maddie and Guy were only taking David away until he finishes school, and then he would return to his home of Malawi.

Hmmmm......something shady is going on here. And it sounds like the Malawi government isn't going to come out of this looking too well, either.

I'm all for Maddie doing anything other than releasing an album, and if she can help little David by giving him a better life, then more power to her.

I just have a sneaking suspicion this whole thing is going to blow up in her face.

And what about David wanting to return to Malawi once he is an adult? I don't see it happening.

Unless being one of Maddie's dancers at her Vegas shows grows old.

Because you know she is going to be doing that crap someday. See: Celine, Barry, and Cher.

Good luck, David. And watch out for Lola. She seems mean.

It is on (and UGLY)!

Heather Mills and Sir Paul McCartney are having one nasty divorce! Juicy.

Heather claims Sir Paul is a mean drunk and loves his marijuana. Sounds like he should have gone to Emerson College.

Now, believe me, if her charges of verbal and physical abuse are true, then Sir Paul needs to get help. That should never be tolerated.

But I think she is going to have an uphill battle because he is such an icon. It doesn't make it right, but look at how many people still refuse to believe OJ had it in him? People think they know someone because they are in the public eye, and there is NO WAY they could ever be mean or abusive...or a murderer.

(Unless, of course, its caught on TMZ.com. Then they'll believe it!)

Yes, I think I know the celebrities I like, too. But, I DO. So, that's the difference.

Of course, there is a child involved, so I hope this gets settled sooner than later(and peacefully). Little Beatrice doesn't deserve this kind of nastiness in her young life.

She'll be traumatized enough when she discovers mommy has a fake leg.

Lance Armstrong, please shut up.

Right now. Just shut it.

I'm sorry. I don't like Lance.

I'm happy that he beat cancer and is living a healthy life right now, but I don't need him giving interviews that make no sense. It's confusing and makes me cranky.

I realize I don't have to read those interviews, but how else would I get through a day of work?

So, he gives an interview in the latest issue of Details magazine and talks about his "best buddy" Matthew McConaughey. And I quote: "He's all tin cans and yam," says Lance of the famously crunchy Matt. "I get s**t on my Blackberry ... My cell phone. Most of it is bulls**t."

WHAT?!?!?!?

Apparently, Matt lives in a junkyard and is too lazy to eat anything other than yams.

At least that's my take.

Also, Details makes me want to gag by calling Lance "America's New Playboy." Shut up, Details.

I hope he finds the time to talk about his kids in the article. That would be nice. Maybe he forgot he has any because he's always cycling with Matt(and don't forget Jake!)or hosting the ESPYs.

I'm guessing Sheryl Crow will not be buying this issue. Unless, of course, she's using the pictures to make a voodoo doll. Be sure to send me one, Sheryl.

Don't they have bouncers at these things?

This past Friday(yes, Friday the 13th)George Clooney received the 2006 American Cinematheque Award. No, I don't care what it is, either.

All I know is that he looked great in his tux. I'd post a picture, but the only ones I could find have Julia attached to his hip. Gag. She is so annoying.

Note to Julia: If George liked you as much as you like him, he would have offered you a role in Ocean's 13. Snap!

Equally annoying is the fact that Lindsay was invited to the event. HUH? With a side of WHAT???? Life sucks.

At least(to me)she stuck out like a sore thumb when I was perusing red carpet pictures. You have Bonnie Hunt, Salma Hayek, Cindy Crawford, Julianna Margulies....and Lindsay. Yikes.

And, I know I complained earlier in the summer about Julianna(and her voice)in Snakes on a Plane, but I've secretly hoped that she and George would get married someday because they look stunning together.

And, really, that's all that matters. When will celebrities realize they need to make me happy?

At least stop inviting Lindsay to red carpet events. OH, and stop offering her movie roles and taking her picture and giving a crap when she walks down the street.

Hollywood, I'm watching you.

Being a vampire slayer is exhausting

So says Sarah Michelle Gellar while promoting her new film, The Grudge 2.

I would think that living with Freddie is even more trying, but what do I know?

She says that she doesn't think she'll ever entertain the idea of going back to a weekly series because of the long hours.

Plus, she'd be expected to be nice to people for several hours a day, so I can see how that would get to her as well.

Poor Sarah. I can see how becoming a cult legend and getting a fat paycheck every week could get tiring. And, again, with the nice. OH, she wasn't. Nevermind.

You know the person most excited to hear this news is Alyson Hannigan. She so does not want Sarah sniffing around the How I Met Your Mother set.

Oh no he didn't!

But it looks like he really did.

Isaiah Washington and Patrick Dempsey threw down on the set of Grey's Anatomy. Well, Isaiah apparently grabbed Patrick by the neck and shoved him. Not sure what Patrick did.

The fight started when Isaiah, T.R. Knight, and Patrick were waiting around on set to start shooting a scene. Isaiah asked what the hold up was all about, and Patrick said he didn't know. Isaiah then said something mean to T.R., prompting Patrick to say, "Pick on someone your own size." OOH! That's when Isaiah grabbed Patrick by the throat(kinky!)and shoved him.

First of all, the only person who should be grabbing Patrick Dempsey is ME! Take a number, Washington!

Second, I think Isaiah is just jealous of all the attention payed to Patrick. Yes, we are all sick to death of hearing the name "Dr. McDreamy," but don't take it out on Dempsey(and leave The Hair alone).

Third, why don't you go and ask Shonda and Co. for a better storyline? Try that, Hothead.

I hope Burke never gets full use of his hand back and has to settle for going into the muffin-baking business with Izzie. Bastard.

Kate Winslet is awesome

She really is.

She reminds me a lot of Susan Sarandon and Julianne Moore. They are women with enormous amounts of talent that are happy giving compelling performances...and then going home to their families.

I respect that. Especially in an age when so many women whore themselves out to the media whenever possible.

Of course, drunken/drug stories are always a hoot, but it is nice to see that not everyone in Hollywood is a lunatic actor with a desperate need to be in the press everyday(yes, Lindsay, I'm talking about you).

Kate recently starred in All the King's Men, and will next be seen in Little Children. After that, it will be The Holiday with Cameron Diaz(poor Kate!). Oh, I'm sure Cam's a great gal. Not annoying at all.

And its nice to see that the unbelievable fame Kate achieved after Titanic didn't make her fall off the deep end. I always imagined working with James Cameron could do that to a person. Not Kate, though! Hard to believe she was only 21 when she made it.

And, seriously, how great is her American Express commercial? A really nice nod to her more memorable performances.

My favorite will always be Sense and Sensibility. So good.

I am so excited!

Nicole and Paris have made up! Phew! I didn't think this day would ever come.

I am so happy right now. Totally takes away the sting of the Yankees playing like they had somewhere better to be than the playoffs. Totally!

And I don't think it's strange that they showed up at a restaurant where they knew there would be paparazzi tripping over themselves to take their picture.

I'm sure they enjoyed a nice meal of lettuce leaves, coke, and champagne. Mmm!

These vapid, drug-addicted waifs cannot be expected to do things without the world watching. What fun would that be?

They can both go to hell. And so can the Tigers.

It's been a long week

So, in no particular order:

Brad wants more kids with Angie. Fine. My heart is already broken, William, so go on and be happy with her. And please give Maddox a real haircut. I'm tired of that mohawk/mullet fiasco.

Congrats to Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard on the birth of their daughter, Ramona. I'm sure Beverly Cleary appreciates the dedication.

Jennifer Aniston may have broken up with Vince Vaughn. You don't care, do you? Me, either. They were a snoozefest.

Lost was disappointing and its ratings were down from last season's premiere.

The Office is trying to kill me with angst. Stop it, please. Greg Daniels, you don't want me to start bad-mouthing you.

Victoria Beckham and Katie Holmes are hanging out together in Paris. Both look completely beat and I'm sure their conversations are mind-numbing. Run, Katie, run! L. Ron has Suri now. There is nothing you can do.

I still haven't watched Saturday Night Live from last week. I heard it was terrible. However, years and years ago I paid to see the movie Oscar with Sylvester Stallone. So what am I so afraid of?

J.J. Abrams is a four-eyed devil

And I want to rip his face off.

Harsh? Maybe. But I'm currently on my third J.J. show. And I think I have the right to feel rage.

I watched the season premiere of Lost and have to say I was underwhelmed. I think it's going to be a very long season.

J.J. finally escaped the clutches of Tom Cruise long enough to co-write the premiere with Damon Lindelof(congrats on your new baby, Damon). It had a great opening sequence, and then the rest of the episode was kind of meh. It was like watching an episode of Alias from Season 3 on. But, instead of Michael Vartan, we had Matthew Fox.

Foxy was great in tonight's episode. He cries very well, and I have always appreciated actors that can cry well on camera(Katherine Heigl should take note, because I'm still traumatized from her crying fits in the final two episodes of Grey's Anatomy last season). Brutal.

I really don't want Sawyer and Kate to get together, but I think that is where they are headed. Ew. Kate, the last person Sawyer had sex with was Ana Lucia. Just keep that in mind.

If I continue to be frustrated with the show this season, I may have to drop it. I'll come back for the finale(like I did for Alias)and I'm sure it will be phenomenal. Or suck completely. It's hard to tell with J.J. Felicity = great finale. Alias = the worst ending ever. Seriously, it was harsh. (But funny! Don't forget unintentionally funny!)

Hey, I know. Maybe Scott Speedman can make a guest appearance this season. Or, Ms. Felicity Porter herself.

Now that would be worth watching.

I smell November sweeps!

Jude Law is a wanker

He's bitching and moaning about the paparazzi and how they follow him everywhere.

Jude, honey, you're lucky ANYBODY gives a crap about you anymore.

I used to be a huge Jude fan. Loved him. Thought he was so funny and charming and could actually act.

Truth be told, after The Talented Mr. Ripley, all of his movies have sucked. Hard.

He started dating Sienna Miller after his marriage to Sadie Frost fell apart. Fine. Well, not really, but what was I going to do? Hate him? Sure. Just a little.

Then he goes and cheats on Sienna with his nanny.

Oh, Jude. I was done with you at that point.

Sure, I bet Sienna is really annoying and vapid, but no one deserves to be cheated on. Even if she can't dress for crap.

Good Lord, that woman needs a stylist.

So, Jude, stop your whining and just be thankful you are still given movie roles and enough money to support all of your kids.

Because, at this point, they are your only fans.

I want to smack George Michael

Hire a driver, George! Or learn to smoke pot in your damn house.

George was arrested YET AGAIN early Sunday morning when he was found sleeping in his car and in possession of pot.

It's the third arrest in the past eight months.

Is he doing this for attention? Maybe he's narcoleptic. Or maybe he's just an idiot.

George, I'm tired of these arrests. Basically, they are boring and smell of laziness.

At least have some crack on hand. Or be found wandering the streets screaming for Andrew Ridgeley to agree to a Wham! reunion tour.

Give me something more exciting, George.

Just promise not to give me another album.

A D-Lister in Stamford

Thursday night I saw Kathy Griffin at the Palace Theater in good ole' Stamford, CT. Sadly, Jim Halpert was not there.

It was a sold-out show, thank you very much! Stamford loves Kathy.

And it was a mix of all kinds of people. The biggest surprise was how many pregnant women there were.

I expected someone's water to break. Didn't happen, though.

Kathy performed for about two hours, so I will forgive her for the just barely hour-long performance she gave at Mohegan Sun back in February.

She was hilarious, per usual.

Touched on all the topics you would imagine: Clay, The View, Suri, Scientology, The Olsen Twins, Oprah and Gail, her parents, her wacky living arrangements, and her gay following.

She also recounted her Ambien blackout in Iraq. I had heard it before but it was just as funny. She is a wonderful storyteller.

Sadly, she did not get to her Emmy's experience. I'm sure she would have given a nice shout-out to my brother and I.

Or told us to suck it.

I called it. Where's my prize?

When Tina Fey announced that she was leaving SNL, my first thought was "Oh, crap."

My second was that Seth Meyers should take over for her on Weekend Update.

Well, he is! Congrats to Seth.

I think he and Amy Poehler have a nice chemistry on the show, and that should translate well to Update.

I also think that I should be given free tickets for the next several seasons because I had this idea first.

Or, at the very least, invites to the after parties.

I'm hoping that Amy's husband, Will Arnett, will host at some point this season. They costar in a film called Blades of Glory that is opening on March 31st of next year(Happy Birthday, Becky!).

Since Will Ferrell also stars in the movie, I'm betting he will get the hosting job that weekend.

Fine. Guest appearance by Will Arnett. Just give me my Gob Bluth, dammit! And throw in Franklin for good measure.

Ahem.

The season premiere of SNL is this weekend. Dane Cook hosts(please, no Jessica cameo) and The Killers are the musical guest.

Good luck, Seth.

Be afraid, London. Be very afraid.

Ashlee Simpson has invaded your turf.

Run for the hills. Or wherever.

For some unknown reason, she has been given the role of Roxie Hart in the West End production of Chicago.

Bloody hell.

London, I know you haven't been the same since Maddie and Gwynnie have taken up residence there, but come on!

Can someone please explain why she is being given opportunities to sing in public? When has that ever been successful?

This twit bugs to no end.

The entire family should be banished to an island and never heard from again.

Was that harsh? Maybe. I'm cranky.

The problem with the entire Simpson crew, though, is that they are all now media whores. Even Papa Joe. Creepy Papa Joe.

You cannot escape them. No matter how hard you try.

Nick, thank your lucky stars you got out when you did.

However, we must talk about Vanessa. Call me.

Stars Hollow is one big suckfest

Tonight marks the 7th season premiere of Gilmore Girls.

It also marks the end of my allegiance to the show.

Amy Sherman-Palladino and her husband, Dan, have gone on to obscurity, leaving the show in the equally wacky hands of David Rosenthal.

You don't care? Me, either!

This show used to be one of my favorites. It used to be entertaining.

Now? Not so much.

For me to stay with a show, I need to care(even just a little)about the main character(s).

Since I hate Lorelai and Rory, I'm done.

Hopefully I will read that Luke closed the diner and moved. And that everyone in town starved to death since they seem incapable of cooking meals for themselves.

Best of luck, Luke!

Jared Leto is an idiot

Why?

Because he just is. He doesn't even have to try.

Fine. Here are some actual reasons:

1. Used to date Cameron Diaz.

2. Thinks he is a rock star.

3. Moans about how much weight he had to gain to play Mark David Chapman in Chapter 27.

The only thing that could make me like him again(like I did when he played Jordan Catalano on My So Called Life)is if he dished that Claire Danes was a complete bitch on set.

Oh, you know she was.

HATE!

She bugs even when holding a bottle of perfume.

Oh, it's just me? You don't feel blind rage looking at this picture?

WHATEVER.

Get a copy of her appearance on Inside the Actor's Studio. You'll see things my way.

Or, just pick up any print interview she's done for the past decade.

Apple and Moses are going to have some great stories to tell someday.

Jim + Pam + Me = Love triangle

Ha!

I went to NY this morning to see Jenna Fischer and John Krasinski from The Office.

They were signing copies of the Season 2 dvds at the NBC Experience Store, which is right across the street from the Today Show.

They were so friendly! Even though security made you feel that you were approaching the Soup Nazi!

I had been up since 3 this morning, and the signing was at 9, so, needless to say, I was a zombie.

And, because I guess I'm legally considered a dwarf, I could barely see over the crowd to take pictures.

This nice guy(who was tall)took some pictures for me and I'll upload them soon.

I did finally figure out that if I snuck around a corner, that I would be able to take pictures of them as they were leaving. Reminder: I was very tired and my brain was only half functioning.

Don't forget to watch The Office tonight!!!!!

And, John Krasinski....call me.

And babies make five

Patrick Dempsey announced on Live with Regis and Kelly this morning that his wife is pregnant with twins.

Boys.

May they inherit their father's hair and learn to style it much sooner then Patrick did.

This is really great news. Totally great. Really. Seriously.

Little Tallulah will now be a big sister.

And hopefully those boys will be given better names. Yeah, I said it.

So, congrats to the happy family. I wish them the best.

*sobs uncontrollably*

Ahem.

Finally, I'd just like to say that last night I discovered I am friends with someone that has a heart of stone.

I mean it.

Because I cannot for the life of me figure out how someone could see Little Miss Sunshine and not be entertained.

Or, at the very least, charmed by Abigail Breslin.

So, to that friend, I say "suck it."

I think he's just taking his Steve Carell dislike out on an innocent movie, anyway. Sucker.

Halloween in September

That is really the only excuse for this.

I assume this is a wig. Right? It has to be. I don't think Lourdes would let Maddie out of the house like this.

Or would she?

The only good thing about this new look is that it takes attention away from the gap in her teeth.

Oh, snap!

The most annoying woman on television

It's Rachael Ray.

Sure, she creates 30 minute meals and shows you how to spend only $40 a day when traveling, but MY GOSH is she annoying.

Some of her "rayisms"(gag me)include the gems "yum-o" and "sammies."

She calls sandwiches "sammies." How about a smack, Rachael?

There is way too much pep and perkiness oozing out of her. It makes me want to throw myself in front of a bus.

Now she has her own talk show thanks to Oprah.

Oprah, you couldn't leave well enough alone? Launching Dr. Phil's own brand of insanity on the world wasn't enough?

I think it's time to buy a bottle of EVOO and hit myself over the head with it.

If only

In the immortal words of Felicity Porter, this would be amazing!

With Colbert as VP, of course.

Bobbi Kristina breathes a sigh of relief

Now she'll only have to deal with one f***ed up parent at a time!

After a tumultuous 14-year marriage(where did the time go? Oh, right. Buying crack and smoking it), Whitney Houston has finally taken the advice of EVERY PERSON IN THE WORLD and filed for a legal separation from Bobby Brown.

I wonder if Clive Davis made this one of his conditions in orchestrating her comeback? Hmm...

Regardless, this is really good news. Two people that screwed up should not be together.

I mean, it only took watching 5 minutes of their reality show to realize that crack is, indeed, whack. And another 2 to realize that neither of them should ever be around children. Or adults. Other humans, actually.

Maybe Bobbi should pull a Drew Barrymore in irreconcilable Differences and sue for emancipation.

(Just don't stay with crazy Dionne Warwick. She probably lives with people she met on the Psychic Friends Network).

Let's hope that this means less time on a shrink's couch for little Bobbi. Like, 4 days instead of five.

That poor girl.

At least she'll have a great tell-all to write within the next several years.

That's something. I think.

Maybe not.

You know who is probably most excited about this? Kevin Costner.

I'm sure he's twenty-five pages in on his Bodyguard 2 screenplay already.

For the love of Celestia

Anne Heche stars in a new drama on ABC, entitled Men in Trees.

It premiered last night, and I only know that because I watched the end of Dancing with the Stars.

(No, I'm not proud. I just thought I should be honest).

I assume ABC thought Dancing would get big ratings and wanted to give a push to Heche's show. Smart.

WOW. She has a really annoying voice. Combine that with scenes of her using a microphone, and I was ready to take a hit of Ecstasy and hightail it to the Fourth Dimension.

You remember that whole fiasco, don't you?

Well, here's a little refresher:

Anne was dating Ellen DeGeneres for three years.

The day the news broke that they had split, Anne was found roaming in a rural section of Fresno dazed and confused. And calling herself "Celestia." And looking for a spaceship that would take her to the Fourth Dimension.

She claims that she was told that in order to get on the spaceship she would need to take a hit of Ecstasy.

The woman went batshit crazy. It was like the day Robert Downey, Jr. was found sleeping in the bed of his neighbor's son.

Well, Anne wrote a book, appropriately entitled "Call Me Crazy." (Consider it done).

Fast forward several years, and Anne is married(to a man)and has a child. Or a few. (To be honest, I've lost interest in her private life).

Only time will tell how long this show lasts. It's been compared to Northern Exposure because it takes place in Alaska and has quirky characters. Although, it does not have John Corbett(when he was still hot), so there is a knock to it right off the bat.

I suppose if the ratings aren't that good(when it moves to its Friday night time slot), we can expect a guest appearance from Celestia.

Although I think its safe to say we shouldn't expect an appearance on Ellen's talk show.

Taste The Sad. And then The Happy.

Yes, it is fun to quote Arrested Development whenever possible. Thanks for asking.

First, The Sad: Brad Pitt hates me.

I can't quite figure out why.

I saw Ocean's 12, Brad! And didn't ask for a refund! Show some love.

So, he's claiming he will no longer be doing love scenes on camera. I would have no problem with this if there was a chance he would be doing them off camera. With me.

Damn you, Angie!

Brad, honey, I'm going to be straight with you. I live in Stamford, CT. I don't see celebrities on a daily basis(how fun would that be??). And I definitely don't see people that look like YOU on a daily basis(I would be dead by now).

So, show me some skin and stop talking about how becoming a father has changed you. It's sweet and all, but I really don't see this relationship lasting.

And one day you will not have the body you do now.

I know. It will be a dark day.

So, shake what you've got before I lose interest and hole up in my apartment watching the deleted scenes from Grey's Anatomy - Season 2.

Afterall, I did meet Ronald Miller before I met you and your southern accent in Thelma and Louise.

Now for The Happy: Season 2 of The Office comes out today. Run, don't walk!

I love this show. In an unhealthy way.

The 2nd season was really wonderful. It definitely stepped out from the shadow of the British version and found it's own voice.

And, I'm a sucker for a gag reel. Theirs is 17 minutes long.

And I'm hearing great things about the deleted scenes. Don't know how they can be better than what was aired, but I'm very curious.

But what I'm most excited to see is if it comes with a Jim Halpert you can keep for your very own.

Now, that would be a bonus feature.

I can cross Venice off my list

Any city that can give Ben Affleck a Best Actor award is off my list of "Places to see before I die." Or, "Places I want Patrick Dempsey to take me."

Suck it, Venice! Your film festival is dead to me.

I'd like to see the other nominees in the category. Also, who were the judges? Did they enjoy Gigli? That would speak volumes.

Maybe they are big fans of Jersey Girl and can't wait for the Director's Cut dvd(Kevin Smith, please don't!).

Oh, speaking of Jersey Girl, there is a video on the internet of Ben DRUNK OFF HIS ASS and molesting a Canadian reporter while promoting the film. What a dick.

Do a YouTube search. You can watch it in all it's drunken glory.

He is wasted. I mean, completely out of his mind. And he speaks in a very annoying French accent(Honey, please. Michael Vartan owns the accent).

And did I mention the molesting? It's disgusting to see a grown man act like that. Also, why didn't the camera people try to help the reporter? And why did it take this long for the video to surface?

I guess I can take solace in the fact that Hollywoodland tanked at the box office. I mean, The Covenant beat it(which my brothers saw and were not impressed with, btw).

But still....BEST ACTOR? I'm sure Damon had a nice laugh over that.

Right there with you, Matt.

Tears of a Firecrotch

Poor Linds.

I know I cry like that when someone steals my million dollar jewelry. Life is such a bitch!

Well, thankfully, her Hermes bag was found. No word, yet, on whether the jewelry was still in there.

I'm guessing the coke was long gone.

Why is Suri wearing a wig?

Is it some weird Scientology custom that all newborns must wear a hairpiece until their first birthday?

Does it just apply to girls? Firstborns?

Are the wigs made from L. Ron Hubbard's hair? Did aliens create them in the Scientology Center?

Why aren't THESE questions being asked?

And what about her eyes? Why does she look more like Chris Klein's daughter than Tom's?

These are pressing issues that need to be addressed!!!!

Where is Jules Asner to "reveal" the answers?

Oh my gosh, I've got it! Steve Kmetko needs to have the first sit down with Tom, Katie, and Suri.

Oh, Kmetko. Where the hell are you?

I miss those golden days of E! Entertainment.

Ahem.

And what about Katie? Was this photo shoot the first time she's seen Suri? What were her thoughts upon seeing the wig? Does she own the Dawson's Creek dvd collection?

So many questions that really matter. Why isn't anyone asking them?

I think its out of fear. People are afraid that Tom is going to lock them in his basement and make them watch Battleship Earth if they probe too deeply. Maybe they are right.

Wouldn't it be nice, though, to see a rogue reporter have the nerve to ask the tough questions? Perhaps plan an escape for Katie and Suri?

I hope there is someone out there who is willing to take the chance.

Or, at the very least, have the nerve to walk up to Suri and tug lightly on her hair.

I'm glad I stopped hating Gwen Stefani

Because I did for a while. She used to bug like crazy.

I can still remember her awkward acceptance speeches when No Doubt won awards at the VMAs. She acted like she was on crack.

And don't get me started on the bindi. Gwen, you grew up in SoCal. And wash the henna off your hands.

Even thinking about it now makes me hostile.

Of course, my biggest problem with Gwen(at the time)was that she was dating Gavin Rossdale. How could she? I claimed him for my own at the Meadows Music Theater in Hartford, CT. What a bitch!

But, that was.....1994/1995, and a lot has changed.

First of all, I realized I couldn't date someone with better hair than me. Your loss, Gavin!

Second, Gwen got her shit together and started speaking coherently in public.

Third, Gwen told Kathy Griffin she was a fan. I love anyone that appreciates The Griffin.

Fourth, Gwen and Gavin started showing up to award shows together, and even my bitter heart softened. They just looked so damn cute!

And, finally, Gwen gave birth to the adorable Kingston a few months ago. That boy is going to be a major heartbreaker.

So, congrats to the happy family. And congratulations to me for crossing someone off my Celebrity Hate List. It has become extremely difficult to manage, and every little bit helps.

Don't call it a comeback

My apologies to L.L. It's all Affleck's fault!

While doing press for his upcoming film, Hollywoodland, Ben said that he doesn't want to use the c-word(not that one, you sickos)in regards to the film.

Ben, honey, IT IS A COMEBACK. You are finally in a movie that people aren't laughing about, and the mere sight of you isn't causing people to roll their eyes and vomit on themselves.

Now, it wasn't too long ago that Ben had a respectable career and me as a fan. Chasing Amy? Check. Good Will Hunting? Check. Dogma? Check. Saw them, liked them, and thought he was good in them.

I was happy for him and his boyfriend, Matt, when they won the Oscar.

Hell, I even saw Daredevil. Like, paid money to see it in the theater. Granted, it was more due to the fact that I was an Alias fanatic and wanted to support Jennifer Garner, but still.

Then came Bennifer. And there went my patience.

I'm all for celebrity couples who flaunt their good looks and matching fake baked skin on a red carpet. I love that. I'd rather see who someone brings as their date then learn about who they are wearing.

But Bennifer was overkill. Between the lunches at The Ivy and the interview with Pat O'Brien(where they cooked, and everything! They were normal people, just like me! GAG!), I was seconds away from blowing my brains out. Or, at the very least, calling Kevin Smith and begging him to organize an intervention.

Then came the big breakup. YAWN. Did anyone really think these two lunatics would get married? I always had a feeling that Guadalupe, J.Lo's mom, wasn't happy with Ben's love of blackjack tables and strip clubs. Oh, c'mon Lupe! That's so endearing!

Now, this is where it gets interesting(or sad and disturbing). Suddenly, I'm hearing reports that Ben is visiting Jennifer Garner on the set of Elektra. Yes, Sydney Bristow is seen around town with Ben.....when I thought she was still dating Michael Vartan. EXCUSE ME?

Who gives up CIA agent Michael Vaughn for Daredevil? France vs. South Boston? Is she serious?

Well, Bennifer 2.0 has been married for a little over a year now, and they have a daughter named Violet.

Michael Vartan is still gorgeous and single, and in desperate need of my phone number.

I promise not to make you re-enact my favorite Alias scenes, Michael! But I will insist that you speak french and give me the inside scoop on working with Jennifer during Season 5(speaking of which, I found the blooper reel for Season 5 online this weekend. Michael's perpetual "Bitch, please!" look on his face spoke VOLUMES. Loved it!).

So, remember, if you see Hollywoodland, don't call it Ben's comeback.

But do continue to laugh at the rumor that he's wearing a rug. Heh.

Why does John Mayer hate me?

I've put up with his odd hair for years. YEARS.

I paid good money to see him in concert. Twice.

The first time, my sister and I saw him in Wallingford at this great little theater. It will always be Oakdale to me!

I think I had the flu, or some strain of something, because I remember wanting to die and not thinking I was going to make it. The show was really great, though, and I felt better a few songs into it.

The second time was in Hartford. It was during the week and there was a lot of traffic. And possibly gunfire. Or maybe just a lot of police cars. Maybe Jessica has a better memory of it.

What I know for sure is that it was 200 degrees with 1000% humidity. It was sticky and gross.

Counting Crows were also on the bill. I remember being grossed out(but not surprised)that Adam was barefoot on stage. He's one of those people(like Cameron Diaz)that just makes me want to scream, "You are filthy! Take a shower. Daily."

Anyway, it was a great show and John was a lot of fun.

Now, flash forward to August 2006 and the first rumblings that John is dating Jessica Simpson. HUH? WHAT? WAIT, WHAT? SERIOUSLY?

So, yesterday I read that John posted a message on his blog: http://www.johnmayer.com/blog#121

A rumor leaked(puhleeze)that he was finally posting about his relationship with the former Mrs. Nick Lachey.

And what we got was him dragging Public Enemy into it.

I doubt Chuck D. would have been happy. And if Flava had any brain cells left, I'm sure he would be pissed.

John, really. We know you are capable of dating women who are best known for their looks(Jennifer Love-Hewitt, anyone?), so this wouldn't be a real stretch. We also know that you and Jessica have new albums coming out, so pulling a straight Tom-and-Katie isn't out of the realm of possibilities.

Just promise me that this won't last long. You are a CT boy, so I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. I want to continue to support you without shame.

At least promise me that before it ends you will ask Jessica's BFF, Ken Paves, to give you a decent haircut.

Even by Connecticut standards, that is one hot mess.

Sunshine and hair sniffing

I finally saw Little Miss Sunshine yesterday. LOVED IT.

Great cast. Great story. Great acting. Hilarious ending.

My mother declared that she finally liked Steve Carell in something. And I thought Ebert was a tough critic.

Abigail Breslin is really wonderful as the little girl with big pageant dreams. I had forgotten that she was Mel Gibson's daughter in Signs. She was great in that, too. She is very charming and doesn't bug the way some child actors do.

Let's hope that she doesn't follow in the footsteps of Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan. Talk about a little girl lost.

Who would have thought that doing a remake of The Parent Trap would lead to La Lohan's partying and weight fluctuation? Not me. Maybe Dennis Quaid lead her down a dark path on set.

So, as I'm writing this, there is a really awful show on ABC that is (I think) supposed to make people want to watch Grey's Anatomy. Four Entertainment Weekly writers offer their take on the show's characters and storylines. It is beyond lame. I don't care what these people think. And there isn't enough Dempsey.

However, it does show me that Patrick is on the cover of their Fall Preview issue. Thank you. I will be buying it for that cover photo alone. Yowza.

As the season premiere draws near, I am finally starting to see commercials. There is a new preview up on a fan site, and it shows Derek and Meredith in an elevator (whores!). He is back to his hair sniffing ways.

After that exam room sex in the finale, she must have run to the nearest CVS and bought a family-size bottle of lavender conditioner. Smart girl.

Now, if we can just get Chris O'Donnell the hell out of Seattle, I'd be truly happy. Man, his character is boring. Yes, I'm biased, but what a snoozefest. I don't understand how he was cast for this role. He has no chemistry with Ellen Pompeo. Maybe he had chemistry with Doc the dog. Well, Doc is gone. See ya, O'Donnell.

And who the hell is named Finn? Please.

I've got your Emmy rant right here

You knew it was coming.

Let's begin:

Michael Scott was robbed!

Please. I'm over Tony Shaloub winning for Monk. Enough, already! That show is annoying. I loved you on Wings, Shaloub, and I have nothing against you personally, but Steve Carell deserved to win. Plain and simple.

Jeremy Piven. Nice speech. Using the term "fluffer" AND talking about your dad takes talent. I've never watched Entourage, but I hear he's very good. I was really hoping Will Arnett would win, but I'll overlook the ascot and give a heartfelt "congratulations."

Megan Mullally? NO! I used to love Will and Grace, but, like Friends, it stayed on two years too long. The show was horrible and so was the acting. They didn't want to be there anymore than I wanted to watch it.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but Jaime Pressly should have won. I wasn't a fan of hers until now, but she is absolutely hilarious as Joy on My Name is Earl. She owns that character.

I was completely happy with Kiefer's win. He was very humble and gracious. I like that. Anyone who dodges the bullet known as Julia Roberts deserves some type of recognition. Kudos to you, Sutherland!

Mariska Hargitay? Cool. I had no investment in the Best Lead Actress category, and she gave a nice speech. Plus, her husband is all kinds of cute. It was a nice excuse to cut to him.

Julia, Julia. You will always be Elaine to me. I tried giving your new show a try, but I can't get past the generic jokes. I would have liked to see you do the Elaine dance on stage, but that's fine. Cute speech.

Look, I like Blythe Danner as much as the next person. I overlook the fact that she is Gwyneth's mom and think she is a great actress. However, I was pulling for Jean Smart. She did an amazing job on 24. Her First Lady was a complete mess. Loved it.

Alan Alda. I never watched West Wing, and I really wanted Gregory Itzin to win, but congrats Hawkeye Pierce.

I LOVE THE OFFICE! I'm so glad it won. I like that everyone on stage, and in the audience, gave Ricky and Stephen a big hand. Well deserved, of course.

Did anyone else catch Mindy Kaling's dress slip? Yes, we had Nipplegate 2006. My brother is also convinced he has an Ellen Pompeo nipple slip on his camera. I think it came close, but don't think actual nipple was exposed.

I was thrilled that 24 won as well. What a great show. This past season was my first. Every episode was truly entertaining and had me on the edge of my seat. Very fun.

All-in-all I was happy with the winners. Would I have liked to have seen Lost nominated for major awards? Of course. For no other reason than to have a Matthew Fox sighting. Sigh.

Grey's bit it. Ouch! I'm glad Patrick was a presenter, because I don't think I saw him in his seat all night. That's just ridiculous. He was in a tux, camera people! Geez.

Finally, I just have to say how much I love Conan. The opening monologue wasn't phenomenal, but he's just so damn funny, I can overlook it. That hair is ridiculous. Loved the taped segments involving other shows. Very funny. That Dateline spoof was fantastic.

Here's hoping that next year is just as good. Maybe I'll even make my way inside. Krasinski...Dempsey....all you have to do is ask.

The Emmy's are worth a sunburn

And even though I reapplied lotion all day, that's what I got. I was sitting on the sun, afterall.

Kathy Griffin looks so great! That red hair was easy to spot in the sea of celebrities. She brought a soldier she met in Iraq. So cool. I wonder if he got lucky. She said she'd be giving it up later that night.....just like a prostitute. I love her. See you at the end of the month in Stamford, Kathy!

Did I mention how good Patrick looked? Right.

Steve Carell and his wife, Nancy, look fantastic. I love them. Nancy will be a regular on the show this season, I believe. Or, a semi-regular. Or the next Trudy Lange. Something like that.

I know some people don't like Steve Carell, or the fact that there is an American version of The Office, but I adore them both. I'm thrilled that he has found this level of success.

Hey, it's Ricky Gervais! And Stephen Merchant. The geniuses behind the original version of The Office are here. Brilliant.

It's Evangeline Lilly. No, she doesn't make me feel fat. Why do you ask? She looks gorgeous in her deep purple strapless gown. I feel like a huge pig and hate my outfit. Thanks, Evangeline! She came without Dominic. Maybe he was busy recording a new Driveshaft album.

Where the hell is Jason Bateman? I've seen Gob, Buster, George Sr., George Michael, Lindsay, and Lucille. Where is Michael Bluth? Is he doing a movie with Jennifer Garner? I believe he is. I'm blaming her for his absence. EW, Garner!

Jeremy Piven. Where do I begin? You are best friends with John Cusack, so I have to love you. I can only assume you are wearing that ascot as a test of my love. I HATE IT. And your hilights. But, you still endear me because you always bring your mom to award shows. You are a straight Kevin Spacey.

Hi, Sarah Chalke! I love Scrubs. It is one of the most underrated television series, EVER. You are fantastic on it. And you got to make out with Scott Foley for several episodes, so I'm jealous of you. I wish Scott were here now. Sigh.

I wish there was a special Emmy being given to the cast of Felicity. Maybe that's why Abrams is here. Where are Keri and Scott Speedman?

Hey, Denis Leary. I love Rescue Me. It's a great show about horrible people. Sometimes it's just a good show about horrible people, but that is okay. I would be happy if he or Kiefer win Best Actor. I just hope he doesn't mention anything about the Red Sox if he does win. That would make me sick.

At 4:30, someone started making announcements that the show was going to start soon and everyone should make their way inside. No one listened. People who were working that Red Carpet were not going to be swayed. They would put up with Billy Bush and Seacrest if it meant getting face time. What egos!

Those announcements start coming every five minutes and grow increasingly annoying. I really want to kill whoever is making them. Someone suggests that its Conan. No, ass, it isn't.

Finally! Zach Braff is here. I love you, Zach! Looking forward to The Last Kiss. I hope it's not too quirky. As I get older I have less patience for quirk in large doses. Keep it to a minimum.

I absolutely adore him on Scrubs. That whole cast is phenomenal. I want JD and Elliot to get back together. I wonder if Bill Lawrence will take my suggestion.

Wow. Wentworth Miller has arrived. He is too good looking. And he's really working that tux. I jump down to the 2nd row and snap a shot of him signing an autograph. He was really very sweet and signed a bunch of things for people. Some woman in the first section told him he was the best thing since chocolate cake. Very funny. And now I realize how hungry I am.

Well, we decided to end the day on a high note and I figured being two rows away from Wentworth Miller was it. It was time to leave my first Red Carpet and get back to the hotel before I turned into a pumpkin. Or was asked to clean the bleachers. Whichever.

It really was an unbelievably fun experience. So worth the overpriced airfare.

My skin is starting to peel. Gross. But I guess it was worth that, too.

Did you see anyone famous?

That is what someone at work asked me. How do people like that live?

I actually went to the Amateur Emmy's. I think everyone there has a lot of potential. Especially the newbies just starting out on The Office.

Yes, The Office. It won Best Comedy. So suck it. You know who I'm talking to.

Anyway, being in the bleachers was like the Mother Ship calling me home. I was in my glory.

Ah! It's Buster from Arrested Development! I love you, Tony Hale! Sadly, he wasn't wearing Buster's hook. He was, however, forced to stand on the E! platform with Seacrest and the woman that won the Red Carpet Challenge. Gag. Fine, I'm bitter.

After seeing Tony Hale, it was like the flood gates opened. Hey, it's Will Arnett and Amy Poehler! They are so cute! Amy is so tiny. And her hair is really blonde. I love you, Gob Bluth! Bring back Arrested Development! Will and Amy waved to us and were all smiles. I love them. I want to hang out with them. I want to know if Will got to keep the Franklin puppet from the show.

Ah, TV boyfriend #1! John Krasinski from The Office is chatting up Will and Amy! They are all friends! I want to join in the party! John, as long as you aren't needy and never ask to meet my parents, we'd be perfect together. I'm loving your suit!

More people from The Office show up. Jenna Fischer and her husband, James. James is the brother of the guy that plays Kirk on Gilmore Girls. I really hate that show now. Jenna, you married the better brother.

Every few minutes it dawns on me that I'm going to see Patrick Dempsey in a tux. Some of my brain cells explode.

Good grief. Jennifer Love-Hewitt is here. Who did she screw to get an invite? Yes, I know she's on Ghost Whisperer, but still. Her boyfriend is goofy-looking and his name is Ross. As I still have many issues with how bad the last two seasons of Friends were, I decide to hate him.

My brother is in his full-on heterosexual male glory, and proceeds to take roughly 250 pictures of "Love." I try not to vomit.

Hey, it's Dennis Haysbert! I love him. He has such a great voice. I actually sit through Allstate commercials just to listen to it. I really do.

Holy dye job, it's Victor Garber! Vic, although my issues with Alias warrant years of therapy, I hold no grudge against you. Sure, you were the only witness for Jen and Ben's wedding, but that doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you crazy. Of course, because of that, I can't support your new show. Well, there's my grudge afterall.

Speaking of Alias, the Devil himself, J.J. Abrams, is here. WHAT?!? I wasn't expecting this. I always said that if I ever saw J.J., there would be a lot of swearing and yelling on my part. I don't have time for either, so I quietly call him a prick and turn my attention to Jon Stewart.

Neither one walked the press line. They opted for the line that was closer to the bleachers.

I love you, Jon! Please beat up J.J. for me. Some woman yelled out "Jon Stewart for President!" The crowd went wild. Jon was embarrassed.

Good Lord, Katharine Heigel is huge. She looks gorgeous. My brother met her at a bar in Stamford a few years ago. Hi, Katie! Where the hell is Dempsey? And who taught you to cry on camera? Have them shot. Your crying scene in the 3rd to last Grey's episode of the season was horrible. Trust me, Denny was not worth crying over. He was creepy. Love your dress, though.

Wow. What's wrong with Ellen Pompeo's hair? It looks horrible. I call extensions. I hope they aren't the ones that Jessica Simpson is selling.

OH MY GOSH! Sadly, I noticed Jill Dempsey first. I saw this thin blonde woman with bad hair, and it took me a few minutes to place her. It was like having one of those nightmares when you want to scream but you can't. I wanted to yell at my brother to start snapping pictures, but I couldn't get the words out. Finally, I just screamed "Dempsey!" The snapping began.

Now, I'll be honest. Patrick's hair was too straight for my taste. Yes, that was a nitpick. Whatever. The man is gorgeous. And he waved. Right at me. And only me. In my dreams, of course. In reality, he waved to the asses in the first section that screamed "McDreamy!" It was very nice of him, but I feel it's time to step away from that name. He hasn't been McDreamy since Addison showed up in Seattle. Thanks for screwing with my ideal TV boyfriend, Shonda! I hate you!

Anyway, he really did look gorgeous. And during the E! interview with Seacrest, you could see me over Patrick's shoulder(or on top of his head, depending on the angle). Finally, I touched Patrick Dempsey! I hope it was as good for him. Sigh.

There is actually more to talk about, so the Emmy's madness will continue. I'm milking this for all its worth.

Diary of a pale girl at the Emmy's: Day 2

Who can sleep when there is Emmy's anticipation in the air? Or, when tractors are putting up street barriers at 5 in the morning? Not me!

So, after an early breakfast, we headed to the Shrine to see how close it was to our hotel. Roughly 5 minutes away. CLOSE! Set up was in full swing. Some poor bastards were already in tuxes. It wasn't even that hot and I could feel my skin screaming for shade. Luckily, I found suntan lotion before breakfast.

Then it was time to find our check-in spot at USC. There were probably 30 people in line when we got there. My elbows were going to get a workout.

Oh, f***! Those first 30 people were the first group. Whatever. I already hate the Emmy's and feel that the only way for me to not kill the annoying USC volunteers is if Patrick Dempsey invites me to the Governor's Ball.

Before walking over to the Shrine, we had to have our bags checked and a police officer had to check us for weapons with a wand. Strangely, my left hip beeped. After showing him that I didn't have pockets on my pants, he let me go. I convinced myself that I was a robot and my parents never got around to telling me. Further thought on the subject would have to wait, though, as the bleachers were now in view.

Rob and I got a top seat in the 2nd section. This would prove to be a great "on camera" spot, as well as high enough for us to clearly view all the action. The main E! booth was directly in front of us, so, unfortunately, Seacrest was going to be in our line of sight for most of our time there. He is one of the few people as annoying when he says nothing as when he has a mic in front of him.

Oh, look! It's CoJo from Entertainment Tonight in a summer white suit. Lovely. He was a big hit with the crowd.

You know who else was a big hit? Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin. Who would have thought it? Not me. They posed for pictures and talked to the crowd a lot. Way to work that upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars, Hamlin! I'll root for you.

Lisa has an amazing body. If I cared enough about my health or how I am perceived in society, I would definitely want to take dance lessons to get in shape. The thought exhausts me, though, so I'll just leave it to Lisa and eat some chips while I type.

Holy crap! Stacy London is here! I completely forgot that she works award shows for Today. She was also a big crowd pleaser. Rob could not be bothered, but I was very excited. She had the gray streak going. Love you, Stacy! No Clinton in sight. Sad.

I would later learn that Tim Gunn was a fashion correspondent for NBC's preshow. You don't know how unhappy I am that I missed him. Tim is a favorite of my sister and I. We would like to have lunch with him someday and talk trash about Nina Garcia and Michael Kors. Maybe he has some good dirt on Heidi, too. If you don't watch Project Runway this is meaningless to you, so I'll just "carry on!"

Good gracious. Billy Bush is here and he's wearing flip flops. Am I surprised? No. Billy is one of the most annoying people in entertainment news and, not surprisingly, would have no problem exposing his feet in public. He's just that annoying. Regardless of weather, men should never expose their feet(And, yes, I know Bono wore man sandals in his piece on 60 Minutes. Believe me, although he's Bono, I didn't condone it).

Oh, Lord. Kristin Veitch is here for the E! network. Now, for those of you that don't know her, she is the woman with the BEST JOB IN THE WORLD(Well, next to anyone who gets to touch Patrick Dempsey as part of their job). She holds a weekly online chat where she shares "scoop" she has about television shows from her onset moles. For the most part, she is lame and completely unprofessional. Sometimes, however, she does find actual spoilers and keeps me in the know about what is going to happen on my favorite shows. She also gets to visit the sets of a lot of my favorite shows and attends all of the network Upfronts.

I have a very love/hate relationship with Kristin. Well, mostly hate. Fine, I'm jealous. Shut up.

Hey, it's Nancy O'Dell. Oh, look over there.....Mary Hart! Don't give me a seizure, Mary. Hi, Tony Potts! I spend A LOT of time watching entertainment shows. Hey, Giuliana DiPandi. Oh, it's crazy Pat O'Brien. I wonder if he's on coke. He looks wacky from where I'm sitting.

Hmmmm......I just talked a lot about the correspondents. And I have to go pick up my pictures. I guess all the A-list sightings will have to wait until tomorrow.

Put those valiums down!

Diary of a pale girl at The Emmy's: Day 1

After a hellish week of work, it was finally time to hop on a plane and head to Cali. My brother and I flew out from JFK on Saturday afternoon. As I was getting ready to hand over my boarding pass, I noticed someone from The Sopranos. Star Sighting!

It was Joseph Gannascoli, who played Vito. Or, still plays Vito. I don't know. I've never watched The Sopranos, and actually only knew him as "the guy from The Sopranos who was on Celebrity Fit Club."

I know some people take comfort in having a baby on board a plane. I take comfort if there is a celebrity on board. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, it's such a relief.

Unless, of course, someone sneaks a liquid past the "tight security" at the airport. Thanks for nothing, JFK and Delta!

My brother had a woman sitting next to him who just whipped out her liter bottle of Dasani water twenty minutes into the flight. The flight attendants didn't care. So what if we were all going down in flames because of Dasani? I guess they were just happy about The Sopranos guy, too.

I had a freak sitting next to me. Perfect time to forget my headphones. Luckily, he only tried to make conversation once. I practically plastered my US Weekly to my face in an attempt to not have to look at him. Finally, after we were actually IN THE AIR, he moved to the window seat. All of my internal cursing for him to "move the f*** over" worked!

The flight wasn't too bad. I read my magazine. The freak slept on his tray table. After a half hour of turbulence, I was able to buy a pair of headphones. As luck would have it, an episode of TLC's What Not to Wear was just starting. Perfect! Love my Stacy and Clinton. Who knew that in 24 hours I would see Stacy London on the Red Carpet? NOT ME!

Once we landed, we headed right to the hotel. We could see the top of the Shrine Auditorium from the lobby. Nice.

After watching the Yankees lose to the Angels from the comfort of our hotel room(Ew, Yanks!), it was time to go to dinner with some friends.

Sharif picked us up and brought us to this wonderful Italian restaurant(of course I can't remember the name, but it was very good). Pregnant Mary was taking a bathroom break, so her husband, Chuck, talked my ear off while we waited for our table. My ears are still ringing!

Finally, Pregnant Mary emerged from the back of the restaurant. Did I mention that she's pregnant? She is. And please don't call her "tubby."

It was really great to catch up and have a relaxing dinner. It's always a good time with those friends.

Now, after dinner, it was time to find this white girl some suntan lotion. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't go in the sun. I'm practically an albino. Suntan lotion was a must if I was to stand in the sun for several hours on Sunday.

Did you know that they don't sell suntan lotion on Skid Row? Well, they don't. Make a mental note in case you ever find yourself there. Not the prettiest vacation spot, but it certainly isn't lacking in excitement.....especially when a homeless man walks up to your car and won't leave.

Holy shit.

But, no worries. Sharif got us out of there and found us a 7-eleven. Thankfully, they had toothpaste. I was genuinely thrilled because it was a small tube and not the family size the hotel gift shop was selling. Scam artists!

Well, after I had my Colgate safely tucked in my purse, I figured that God was trying to tell us to go back, brush our teeth, and gear up for the most exciting day of our lives.

Who am I to ignore that?

Tomorrow I will have stories so exciting that you may need a Valium after reading them. Scratch that. You WILL need a Valium. I'd start my search on Skid Row if I were you.

Put down those weights!

And pick up those cupcakes!

That is the lesson I learned from watching Sheryl Crow on Larry King Live last night. Thank you, Sheryl!

What is the point of exercise and a healthy diet if you can one day get the diagnosis your doctor was not even expecting?

Screw healthy living! Eat more ice cream!

On a more shallow note, Sheryl looked fabulous. If Lance hadn't fallen in love with Matthew McConaughey, I'm sure he would be crying in his protein drink that he let her get away.

But that was then, and this is now. And Lance loves Matthew. And Matthew loves Lance. And Jake loves them both. Awww.

And I love sleep and desperately need some. The Emmy's are only a few short days away.

That's the sound of Ben Affleck crying

And it's not because of all the hairplug jokes, or because his wife thinks he's too stupid to mix canned baby food and oatmeal together for their daughter.

It's because his beloved Sox had a meltdown over the past four days and were swept by my beloved Yankees.

It was a thing of beauty.

Better luck with the mixing, Ben.

And feel free to spend October editing Gone, Baby, Gone. Or take Jennifer and Violet on a trip out of the country.

Your Sox are DONE. The Babe said so.

Ahem.

You know when you are looking forward to something, but you have to get through a few shitty days before you get to the fun stuff? Well, that is this week. I really hope the next four days at work don't send me the few inches I need to fall completely over the edge.

I have an Emmy bleacher seat outfit to plan! Don't bother me with a client market analysis, or reports that need a Fed Ex label, when I have yet to figure out how best to get Jason Bateman's attention!

Sure, I could just yell, "I've loved you since Silver Spoons!" The Bateman deserves more, though.

Hey, if anyone is watching the show Saved on TBS, please tell me why you are. MY only reason is Tom Everett Scott. I'm trying to find out if there are more. It's really not a good show, and his ex-girlfriend is horribly miscast. But, it's the summer, and since How To Get the Guy was unceremoniously taken off the air, my Monday nights are free.

I guess I could always write Affleck a condolence card.