Something to ponder

What is more disturbing?

Nicholas Cage's hairpiece in National Treasure, or the trailer for PS I Love You?

Discuss.

I don't want to toot my own horn....BUT

Yesterday I questioned whether or not Jamie Lynn's boyfriend would stick around until the birth of their child. Well, Life & Style is reporting that they are no longer together. I'm taking that as fact.

Folks, it's a gift. I predict celebrity break ups and they happen. I think I'll set up a booth like Lucy in the Peanuts comic strip and start charging for my wisdom. I could use the extra cash. Christmas is expensive!

Next big split: Britney and Reality. I predict a final parting of the ways (they've been on again/off again for months) early in 2008.

Hey, y'all! I'm pregnant!

My name is Jamie Lynn Spears. My older sister is a dumbass, and so am I! I got pregnant because a stork landed on my trailer in Louisiana and told me I was going to have a baby in a few months. Nine, I think. Well, I didn't know what to do. My mom was locked in her room writing a book on parenting and my dad was somewhere getting drunk. I wanted to call my sister, but she lives in another time zone and likes to freebase and go wig shopping. I can never reach her. So, I did what any smart young girl would do: I picked up my magic 8-ball and shook it really hard. It said, "Yes, you are an idiot." Isn't that funny?

Alright, let me stop. Teen pregnancy is no laughing matter. What is funny is that Jamie Lynn is well on her way to being a has been at the ripe ole' age of 18. Idiot.

Reports claim that Brit did not know until reporters asked her for her reaction last night. Oh, snap! You know she will not be happy having to share the headlines with her sister. I mean, it's fine when she's on some Nickelodeon show that tweens watch, but no one is going to take my nightly spot on E! News or TMZ. It's on, bitch!

Also interesting is a report that Jamie Lynn is further along than the 3 months she told OK! Magazine. Maybe that story in the National Enquirer back in July was correct....we'll just have to see when she pops out that kid.

Wonder if her beloved boyfriend, Casey, will still be around. Hmmm.....

The Hills Finale - or is it?

Sadly, I wasn't kidnapped by one of my tv or movie boyfriends before the airing of the finale last night. Thanks for nothing, guys! So I had to watch this crapfest and hate myself enough that I actually watched the live after party show. OH MY GOSH I hate those two hosts and all the bad banter and hoochies that must idolize Heidi enough that they went out and got fake breasts.

Oh, and Lauren, your "big" announcement was beyond lame. More episodes next month is not exciting, especially since Perez Hilton leaked that they were casting for a guy to show you the sights. Shouldn't you be working? Oh, and nice bitch face when you found out Whitney was going to Paris. Classic!

Thank you trusty recapper Jessica! You are back to work next month. Rest up.


And here we go:


It's finale time. I know MTV is having a live pre-show/viewing/aftershow at Area nightclub. I think I'll just stick to the 30 minutes of regulation though. I don't like all the fuss. Okay, Lauren's awkward last words with the weird hosts of the night (the guy and girl who host the usual aftershow) are over, and not a minute too soon.

10:00 -- Good news (for Whitney, not for Lauren): Whitney gets to go to Paris again. Bad news: She has to go with that weirdo in the glasses and grandpa sweater.

10:02 -- How annoyed must all of Heidi's co-workers be after hearing about her and Spencer all the time? Well, maybe not as annoyed as they would be if they didn't know that listening to incessant whining would land them on an MTV camera.

10:04 -- Oh snap, Lauren is not a happy camper about not being asked to Paris. That face was priceless. She didn't even try to hide her anger.

10:06 -- Spencer's sis is a bad actress. I know she's not supposed to be acting, but that's the way any scene with her plays out. Maybe that's just how she is naturally. What a gem that one is!

10:07 -- I nearly had a heart attack because my cable froze for a couple seconds. Don't crap out on me now Comcast.

10:08 -- The two aftershow doofs ask the live crowd at Area if they think Lauren's boss was too hard on her. As if Lisa Love gives a crap what these drunks think.

10:14 -- Spencer goes to Heidi's office to talk, but he's denied because Heidi's assistant tells him that Heidi left early. I would've believed it except for the fact that the assistant is an awful liar.

10:15 -- I love how Whitney isn't downplaying her excitement over going to Paris in front of Lauren. Good for her.

10:16 -- Oh goodie, Lauren DOES get to go to Paris. So now of course she's all smiles.

10:18 -- This scene seems familiar. When Lauren and Brody make plans are they like "let's get together for dinner and hint at a relationship, play with our straws in our drinks, and have numerous silent moments"?

10:25 -- Heidi's looking gaunt. And that's bad since she's already so thin. Maybe the relationship stress is taking its toll. Well, now that she decided to go back to Colorado to have some space, hopefully she'll eat.

10:27 -- I like how I know more French than Lauren does, and I'm not the one going to France.

10:29 -- Okay, that was cute of Brody to wait for Lauren outside her apartment as she was leaving for the airport. And that smooch? What does it all mean?

10:30 -- The show ends with Whitney and Lauren's plane taking off, Heidi driving back to Colorado, and Audrina sitting around in her apartment. Ho hum.

If anyone watches the aftershow and makes it out alive, let me know what goes down. Until next season, au revoir!

This show will be the death of me

WTH? I don't like the idea of young girls/women/any sex, really, watching this show. Why is everyone so dumb and picking horrible mates?

Audrina, that hat was atrocious. Never wear it again.

Lauren, enough with the bitch face. Everyone on this show is fake. I miss Justin Bobby.

Now, on with the recap:


Here we are tonight, only two new episodes separating us from the drama-free abyss known as The Hills hiatus. That's right kiddies, we have a limited time left with our favorite gang of reality starlets so I hope MTV will reward its Hills faithful as season 3 winds down. I, for one, would enjoy some more Lo. She's been MIA for a few ep's and her words of wisdom have been missed. She didn't even get to say goodbye to Justin Bobby!

Now I know I missed talking about last week's episode, which was without question one of the highlights of this season thus far, and for this I apologize. How much of a psycho is Spencer's sister? How many nights do you think she's spent face down in the gutter outside an LA nightclub? The questions could go on and on, but it's time for the show to start.

10:01--Lauren admits to having blue eyes with "yellow in the middle." Is she a monster? I'm scared.

10:03--There's gonna be a Halloween party at Lauren's and Audrina's. Whitney's gonna be the first doing a kegstand. I'm calling it.

10:04--I'm frightened all over again by Spencer's sister. She just seems like she could go into a crazy rage at any moment.

10:05--Jen Bunney got an invite. And she's still making dumb comments. Some things never change.

10:07--Lauren looks extra b*tchy as a brunette, right?

10:13--The Pratt sibs have a heart to heart about the impending nuptials at the store where Spencer's picking up his and Heidi's save-the-date cards. I'm sure the kind shop owner enjoys being dragged in the middle of this mess.

10:15--Is Audrina's Aussie date serious about 1. his lip ring and 2. that smarmy pick-up line?

10:15--Yesss, LO IS BACK. Missing the party to study for a midtem doesn't stop her from dishing out some sound advice to Lauren about her and Brody's relationship. Lo, so wise!

10:21--Audrina likes the Aussie. Good for her. Maybe he'll like her bright blue hat, because I sure don't.

10:23--Another Spencer/Heidi showdown. They actually already sound like an old married couple fighting.

10:25--Brody is channeling the Seattle grunge look of 1995 with his plaid flannel shirt. Bold choice.

10:27--The will they/won't they controversy continues on with Lauren and Brody. It's pretty much 2007's version of David and Maddie. Without the private detective agency, obviously.

Count it down. One week to go til the finale. It won't be the Lauren-Jason-summer in Paris triangle of finales past, but I'm sure it won't disappoint.

H I L L S

Good golly, this show is a trying experience. Guest recapper Jessica makes it more tolerable...actually, forget the "more."

On with the recap:

10:00--Right out of the gate we get the first bitchy eye roll of the night. Chances are this won't be the last. This one is provided by Spencer. What a weenie he is being about getting married. But with that weenie-rific beach proposal, I'm not really surprised.

10:01--Wow Audrina, are those 3 pound weights you're lifting at the gym? I'm...not impressed.

10:03--The song "Baby Love" is playing in the background as Speidi heads to check out a wedding site. The only reason I mention the song is because it is performed by Nicole Scherzinger aka the lead Pussycat Doll. And of course we all know that Nic and Talan from LB dated at one point. Thank you and this was tonight's edition of Six Degrees of Laguna Beach.

10:05--The girls head to a bar named Big Wang's. Wherever my brothers are right now, and although they are not watching this show, they are laughing simply because they sense such a bar exists.

10:12--Whitney is on a weird half date, half workout session with her trainer. They talk about the weather. Awkward.

10:13--Heidi is most excited to wear a crown and eat pastries at her wedding. I'm not down with a crown but I can't say anything against a good pastry. Didn't she wear a tiara at her birthday last season? She needs to get over this pretend royalty phase, no?

10:14--Whitney and the trainer are on a legit date and AGAIN the weather comes up in convo. I'm calling a crash and burn here.

10:17--Spencer suprises Heidi with a matrimonial trip to Vegas. And she counters by taking off her engagement ring and leaving it on the table. The gauntlet (the ring) has clearly been thrown.

10:25--Lauren, like any self-respecting girl would do, asks Whitney how her date's shoes rated because if you're not feeling the shoes, you can't be feeling the guy. Whit's bad shoe prognosis means its back to the weight room for you Mr. Trainer Man. No Whitney for you.

10:28--Spence apologizes to Heidi, they're back on for the wedding, blah blah blah etc etc. I'm not really that into this storyline unless it provides drama. End of story.

***Scenes for next week look ridiculously delicious. We'll get a taste of not only Spencer's sister, but also a club confrontation with Justin Bobby. Make sure to go easy on the turkey (or tofurkey for my vegetarian people out there) so you can make it back here for next week's ep in tip top form.***

This show is so fake.

But still entertaining. Although, honestly, I keep forgetting it's on. Whoops! Luckily, we have a recapper to bring me up to date on these bitches. Oy. Also, dreads for JB? Again, Oy!

TWO THINGS to kick off the night:
1) What are these reports that Heidi and Lauren have been spotted
together recently around Tinseltown? This can't be!
2) Audrina's been photographed with an alleged new boytoy, some
supermodel who has the same slicked back high ponytail look as David Beckham did when he was really blond.

Now, the show:

10:00: Lauren shows us she doesn't only reserve her death stares for people, she also gives them to computer screens.

10:02: Heidi probably doesn't even understand the purpose of the Declare Yourself event she's going to, but she feigns understanding like a champ.

10:04: Justin Bobby is growing dreadlocks. At least in his grossness he's working towards a goal. I guess.

10:06: Dun dun....dun. Round one of Heidi vs. Lauren includes lots of eye rolling and awkward stares off into the distance. If only all parties had been there longer, and had had a few more martinis, things could've gotten really memorable.

10:12: How does Sean Kingston have such a high pitched voice for being such a big man? It defies reason.

10:14: Round two of H vs. L comes by way of IM. So obviously, this is getting serious. On a sidenote, who wouldn't love to know what Lauren's screen name is? It's totally something like LagunaGrl4Eva.

10:22: Audrina is so grateful for a cubicle that it makes me feel(kind of) bad for hating mine.

10:24: Here we go, it's time for round three. Heidi opens up with flowers. Random and not appreciated by Lauren at all. That was a bad idea.

10:27: Things get heated as the two girls argue while sitting as far apart from one another as possible on the same sofa. Did you hear that Heidi? Lauren wants to forget you. So this brings me back to the fact that these two have apparently reconciled. I'm so confused by it all. My head is spinning.

And finally, can we talk about scenes for next week's ep?!? The Speidi wedding planning looks to be getting underway and I can't wait to see Spencer turn into dust as he enters the church. Something to look forward to, no?

Sass for days

That's what you'll find in this recap..........

Also, Marc Jacobs = over-rated. But that's just me.


Tonight's recap is coming to you in a new format. I know, you can't even take the excitement of it all, can you?

10:00--Whitney suggests putting photo booths in the confessionals of a church, which is the location she's chosen for a Teen Vogue fashion show. I sure hope the pope's TiVo malfunctions so he doesn't catch this one.

10:04--We find out that even Frankie, one of Brody's hanger on type friends, works. See Spencer, even Frankie gets a paycheck! Okay, so it turns out he only works one day a week, but still, that's enough for more oversized aviators and designer jeans, right Frankie?

10:07--The Teen Vogue girls enter the NYC offices of the mag, and meet with editor Amy Astley. You know hiding behind Amy's severely cut bangs is a true force to be reckoned with. I hope the girls make it out of the city alive.

10:14--Despite being dressed for the meeting back at TV, Lauren is put to work at the casting for the fashion show at Marc Jacobs' design studio. Insert the Chandler Bing whip sound effect here.

10:16--CARPET! How dare Whitney suggest a carpet runway at the show?!? The T.Vogue queen in the red spectacles is having NONE of this, as is evidenced by his numerous over dramatic facial expressions.

10:18--We get a nice long ass shot of Marc Jacobs. Did we really want one? NO.

10:20--Lauren tells Whitney she misses Brody. Gag me.

10:27--Brody and Lauren spoon on her sofa. Does anyone else get the feeling that the minute after the cameras stopped rolling these two got up, shook hands, parted ways, and said "See you again to do this tomorrow"?

10:29--The ep is over and we see yet another plug for the Virtual Hills. I don't know about you but I'm gonna go now and build my own virtual person to walk around the virtual world and I'm gonna have so much virtual fun. See you again in virtually a week!

Quick hits

*smack*

Listen up:

Amy Winehouse better get it together. She was drunk and crying at her concert in Zurich last night. Girl, wash your beehive and stay off the hooch. And the smack.

A new poll shows that 13% of Americans would vote for Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert for President. Why the hell not?

Star magazine is reporting that Ellen and Portia have broken up. Stop it. I hope it wasn't over the dog debacle. So sad. If it's true, James Tupper better watch Anne Heche like a hawk.

Reese and Jake are seen walking hand-in-hand in Rome. And smiling and looking adorable, to boot. Hmm.....so maybe the rumors were true. Something still seems fishy to me, but those pictures were cute. Maybe they are just really great actors.

Rehabs around the country prepare for January 1, 2008

That's when Linds will march right back in with her skeezy father in tow, astounded by the fact that she couldn't handle a New Year's Eve cocktail of vodka, coke, and crack, which caused her to scream "Dick Clark and Seacrest have nothing on me, bitches!!!!"

So, it appears that Linds is contractually obligated to host a New Year's Eve party at Vegas hot spot LAX. She'd be better off running on the tarmac at LAX in Los Angeles and trying to dodge planes ready for takeoff. Oh, this is going to be bad.

Sources claim that Linds had no choice in taking the gig because her lame ass is broke and can't pay back Pure Management Group the hundreds of thousands of dollars she owes them for bailing on her 21st birthday party. So, let's see......you get Pure Nightclub to pay you a ton of money to show up for your 21st birthday. You enter rehab instead, and blow through all of that money on....wait for it.....blow! Damn, she loved her drugs.

So, I guess while I gorge myself on bitterness and regret this New Year's Eve, some rehab worker will be readying a VIP room complete with copies of Vogue and The Hollywood Reporter for Lindsay's arrival. Oh, and installing video cameras in the room so they can sell the footage to TMZ and start their year off rolling in green.

Best of luck to you!

UPDATE!!!!

LAX just sent a press release claiming that Paris and Nicky will be hosting the event. Hmmmm.......the plot thickens. Or thins.

All hail Halo!

And I don't mean the video game.

I'm talking about super secret couple Milo Ventigmilia and Hayden Panettiere, from Heroes. I guess you could also call them Mayden, but I'd rather only type four letters.

According to In Touch, Milo bought Hayden an 18-karat yellow gold ring from Tiffany & Co for her 18th birthday. 18 years old...18 karats....oh, Milo. So smart. Looks like someone saved their Gilmore Girls money instead of spending it on Alexis. Poor Rory. She ran very awkwardly, and some guys just can't handle it.

So, here's the deal: Hayden just turned 18 and Milo is 30. It's legal and it is on! There was video of them dancing and whispering and maybe kissing at either a pre or post-Emmys party. That's close enough for me to declare it true! I'm so easy.

They have denied anything is going on, but remember how Milo was sitting next to my super secret boyfriend, John Krasinski, a few weeks ago at a hockey game? Well, John knows all about being covert. First, he hasn't leaked that we are together, and he keeps denying he is dating Rashida Jones. Maybe he gave Milo some tips while the zamboni cleaned the ice.

Just call us Passinski!

The Hills are alive, with the sound of Spencer whining

Oh, another Monday night is here. Here we go...

Lauren meets a male model, Gavin, at a casting. He asks her out and she accepts. I call that she doesn't end up feeling this cat. Did she dish out a fake number? We shall see.

Can someone check Spencer's IQ? How many times does Heidi have to explain to him that she has a time consuming job before he understands? I think we're up to about 5 now. Anyway, Spencer went all diva and almost started to tear up like a little girl when Heidi went to work and left him all alone in his dome of solitude. What a punk.

The scene is set for a Brody/male model throwdown at Brody's barbecue. If a fight ensues, I'm not sure who I'd put my money on. Gavin is pretty short and his face is his livelihood. But, Brody is down to only one fully functioning hand. Wow, I call it a draw.

Whitney finally joins in on the extra curricular activities and shows up at the bbq! I still, however, notice the void that is left by Justin Bobby not attending. Who has been able to erase the images of his flesh colored bathing suit and combat boots from the last time he went bbq'ing? I don't think anyone has.

Gavin brings up camping on Catalina. I'm sure everyone remembers when Lauren camped on Catalina in the first season of Laguna Beach, right? Stephen dressed up as a bear (I didn't realize how random that seems out of context...although in context it's still weird enough) and Lauren just sat alone in a beach chair reading magazines the whole time. Okay, enough LB reminiscing for now...

Brody and Gavin get deep while grilling up some burgers. Ah, two guys talking about relationships over the grill. It really takes away all the normal masculine appeal of such an activity, doesn't it? Way to girl it up there, guys.

Spencer is pouty on the phone when he calls Heidi (possessive much?) while she's working her NASCAR event. Wait, people in LA care about NASCAR?!? What?!? But seriously Spencer, just get over it. Ugh.

I see Spencer found a way to clear his busy schedule before popping in to Heidi's office. PS, someone check to see if Heidi's gotten a restraining order yet because this is starting to get stalker-ish.

Lauren is finally on her date with Gavin, and things don't seem to be going well. I called it. She looks about five seconds away from puking up salmon roll all over model boy's purposely disheveled, ultra highlighted hair. At least Gavin's agent will be proud he scored so much face time. Cha-ching!

Lauren rushes home from her date and calls Brody to invite him over to (insert finger quotes) "watch a movie." How badly is this a booty call? SO BADLY.

Seeing as my day started off by having a bird poop on me while I walked to work, I can honestly say that after watching that ep the day is ending on a much better note.

Thanks for reading!

I bet they are full of Red Bull

Brit is getting her lips injected. She looks ridiculous. Surprise!

OH MY GOSH, why won't someone save this woman from herself? She's clearly too stupid to do it herself. Oh, and drunk. And lazy.

What happened to that intervention that Lynne and Jamie Lynn attempted a few weeks back? That was helpful. All I saw was Brit dragging Jamie Lynn to Taco Bell or some other stank fast food joint. The best part was when this woman yelled at Britney to move out of the neighborhood and Jamie Lynn took a defensive stance and looked like she was ready to throw down.

Easy, Jamie Lynn. You don't look much brighter than your sister and I'm sure you will be pregnant sooner than later thanks to some douche that tells you your eyes are really pretty and you are way more talented than your sister ever was.

These Spears women are exhausting.

Ryan and Rachel are over

It's official. Gosling and McAdams are done. Kaput. Finished. Well, you get it.

Ryan sets the record straight in the new issue of GQ, telling the magazine "God Bless The Notebook. It introduced me to one of the great loves of my life." Awww. Wait. Does that mean he's had other great loves? Or is he being optimistic that he will find another great love? Maybe he just means he also loves his dog. It's such a mystery!

Ryan goes on to explain that they broke up a few months ago, telling the mag "The only thing I remember is we both went down swingin’ and we called it a draw." Hmmm....sounds violent. And cagey. Just admit you grew too attached to the blow up doll you kept after filming your movie Lars and the Real Girl. I won't think any less of you, Ryan. Or will I?

Why do I care about this? It's not like I set them up or went to high school with either of them or, you know, KNOW THEM. I should be concerned about my own love life, which is non-existent. Could it be because I find celebrities more interesting than normal men I'm likely to meet on a daily basis? Maybe. Yes. Whatever!

Ryan, call me.

I would expect nothing less

Lindsay has found herself a loser and she couldn't be happier! Who's cutting the coke, because it's time to PAAAARTAYYYY!!! Whoo-hoo!!

She tells the latest In Touch that she and boyfriend-she-met-in-rehab, Riley Giles, bonded over their mutual love of rock climbing. And vodka. And white lines. "Get higher baby. Get higher baby. Get higher baby, and don't ever come down. Freebase!"

Isn't it a no-no to hook up in rehab? Or did the Sandy Bullock movie, 28 Days, deceive me? Couldn't she just work on re-establishing relationships with her siblings? Maybe try to keep a plant alive for a few months? This girl should have White Hot Mess tattooed on her forehead. Oh, Linds!

And that boyfriend's name sounds made up. Weren't "Riley" and "Giles" characters on Buffy? Uh, yes. You know this douche is going to say his dream is to be in a band or act opposite Pauly Shore. Biodome 2 may have life, afterall!

To add to this trainwreck, Riley admits that he broke up with his girlfriend (of two years) a week before dating Lindsay. Nothing says "true love" like a rebound in rehab. OH MY GOSH, someone help this woman make decisions that won't land her in jail or my blog. His ex claims they were engaged, but Riley says no. SHADY!

I need a nap before I can give this girl any empathy. I'm wiped out.

The Hills

And now another hilarious recap of a show that provides more laughs than it should:

Here were my thoughts as I was watching this week's episode:

Why was Whitney folding clothes in the Teen Vogue closet while Lauren was (not) busy receiving cryptic text messages from Jen Bunney? Lauren, I know you're the star of the show, but Whit's your boss, so put down your phone and get back to work.

Since Lo refers to J.Bunney simply as "Bunns", I will also do the same. Where Lo leads, I will follow. PS, Lo with darker hair? Love it.

Heidi's boss, Brent Bolthouse...not good looking. Just had to say that for the record.

Heidi looked confused when Mr. Bossman was talking to her about living up to her responsibilities at work. Was it the three syllable words? Maybe. Or was she simply trying to figure out what he was thinking when he adopted that odd haircut?

If you squint your eyes, Justin Bobby kind of looks like Orlando Bloom. Not the clean cut movie star Orlando Bloom, though. I'm talking about the "I'm too cool to care what I look like as I stroll around London looking like a bum" Orlando Bloom.

Why do Heidi and Bunns continue to meet for meals when they are always so awkward? This time Bunns confronted Heidi about the origins of The Rumor, and Heidi responded by dishing out enough death stares to send her all the way back to Orange County.

Will Brody and Lauren prove to be the next big power couple? Can globetrotting on behalf of humanitarian efforts and adopting kids along the way be very far behind?

We'll have to tune in next week to find out. Until then, happy TV watching and remember...truth and time tells all.

Peter and Jim enjoy hockey

Who knew?

Milo Ventigmilia and John Krasinski were spotted at the Boston Bruins/LA Kings game at the Staples Center this weekend. Man, I hate hockey. BUT I WOULD HAVE PAID TO BE AT THAT GAME.

I can already hear my sister saying she liked Milo first, and knew he was cute and was going to get cuter as he got older, but just shut it because not even she could have predicted Milo being that much cuter than when he was on Gilmore Girls. I mean, enough with the leather jacket and bad attitude, Jess Mariano. He was annoying! And annoying blocks cute as far as I'm concerned.

But now he's on Heroes and he's all buff and finally got a decent haircut that keeps him from having to push his hair out of his eyes. I bet that was a drinking game started by some fan in like the 2nd episode of the first season. Heroes fan are all a bunch of lushes now! Thanks, Milo.

Oh, and Steve Carell was also at the game, sitting on the other side of John, so NBC must have given them tickets. Gracias, NBC.

Do your life a favor and watch this show

Seriously. Your life will thank you.

It's called Pushing Daisies and it's on Wednesday nights at 8:00. And it is so good. It's sweet and funny and weird and whimsical and the bright colors and offbeat characters will make you wish you lived inside your tv and worked in a pie shop.

This is a show that is fantasy-based, so if that isn't your cup of tea...well, you won't be interested. I mean, the premise is about a guy named Ned who can bring the dead back to life by touching them. But only for a minute! If he let's them live past a minute, someone else will die. What a pain in the ass gift.

Ned discovered this gift when he was a boy and his dog was hit by a truck. Yay for saving your dog's life! Unfortunately, Ned has since not been able to pet Digby. If he does, (and here's another kink in the gift), the dog will be dead forever. Boo!

The same problem arises when Ned's childhood sweetheart, Charlotte, or "Chuck," is murdered while on a cruise. Ned brings her back to life (awwww), but can never touch her (boo). BUT, as of last night, there are ways around it! They can touch through plastic body bags(kinky!), and through gloves(like when they held hands last night). Oh, Ned. Your eyebrows are too thick, but you are sweet and romantic and make pies. Marry me!

Lee Pace (Ned) and Anna Friel (Chuck) have wonderful chemistry and are my new favorite couple behind Jim and Pam. Damn you tv for making it impossible for me to find a man because he will never live up to a Pie Maker or an Assistant Regional Manager of a mid-level paper company!! Pass the Ben and Jerry's!

Anyway, the supporting cast is also a lot of fun. Chi McBride plays Ned's partner, Emerson. He's a PI who knows about Ned's gift and decides that they should solve crimes and collect the reward money. Sneaky! He is very gruff and funny and likes to knit to calm his nerves. Wonderful.

Kristin Chenoweth plays Olive, Ned's employee at the Pie Hole(best restaurant name ever) who has a major crush on him and doesn't like the sudden appearance of Chuck. Oh, Olive, you are so sweet and in love and you take care of Digby for Ned, but he loves Chuck and you are going to get your heart broken. And Kristin Chenoweth is perfectly cast because she is so petite and adorable in her naivete. And she belted out a mean "Hopelessly Devoted to You" in last night's episode. Olivia Newton-John would be so proud!

Swoosie Kurtz and Ellen Greene play Chuck's eccentric aunts who don't know that she is alive because they would freak the eff out. They wear bizarre clothes and Swoosie sports an eye patch(like Steve from Days of Our Lives), and it will be interesting to see how they are integrated in future episodes.

So, there you have it. A unique show with snappy dialogue and fun sets. It's quirky and silly and yet very believable and extremely enjoyable.

Set those TiVos!

Jai Rodriguez makes me laugh

But not with him. AT HIM.

Oh, Jai, you try so hard, and I think that is why you are my least favorite of the Fab Five on Queer Eye. You are no longer in Rent, and you need to get over it. Not everything is as theatrical as "Seasons of Love."

That being said, this is the final season of Queer Eye, and they kicked it off with a Mr. Straight Guy pageant hosted by Susan "How dare you make me wait so long to win an Emmy, bitches!" Lucci. To kick off the show, the five guys bounced out on stage and Jai began to sing the Queer Eye theme song. OH MY GOSH, no! It was hilarious. Also hilarious? The choreographed dance moves done by the other four. Just stop it. I was dying. My sister and I are convinced that this was Jai's doing. I could see Thom rolling his eyes and reluctantly agreeing to it. Oh, Thom.

Later in the show, Jai proved annoying once again by breaking it down with an acoustic version of the theme. Oh, and did I mention that Ted was on guitar???? STOP KILLING ME WITH THESE MOMENTS OF PURE GENIUS, QUEER EYE PRODUCERS!

The day you get Ted Allen to do choreographed dance moves and play guitar is...well, that day has passed, because he was up there with his trendy glasses and perfectly pressed suit. Ted, I love you and your snobbish culinary ways!

And can we talk about the glory of Thom Filicia? Thom and I did not start off on the right foot. I thought he was way too sassy, and you know I love sass. I was secretly hoping they would send his ass to IKEA and watch him have a meltdown next to the bed frames. BUT, Thom won me over during the next few years because he mellowed the hell out. He's now my favorite after Carson.

Oh, Kressley. I love you and your witty comebacks. Going shopping with you has always been one of my favorite parts of the show because you are truly happy shopping with the straights and educating them on why pants should fit you properly and why a t-shirt and jeans won't cut it at a rehearsal dinner. Plus, you usually make at least one inappropriate comment or just go ahead and put your hand dangerously close to the guy's crotch.

Last, but not least, we have Kyan Douglas. Kyan is so good looking that he makes me angry. That's right. ANGRY. Not only wouldn't he be into me because he's gay, but he wouldn't be into me because he's too lovely and would say mean things about my hair. Instead of hating, just point me in the direction of some defrizzing balm. I mean, really.

The final season of Queer Eye airs on Bravo Tuesday nights at 9:00.

The Hills so far

The following is provided by guest recapper, Jessica. She will be taking you on a journey of The Hills as only she can. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect my own(she wants to be friends with some of these brats), BUT this will prove that my wit and humor has trickled down to one of my siblings. Lucky girl! Now, on with the recap......

So tonight MTV threw us one of their lame recap episodes of The Hills. Now, do I need a recap when I watch each episode on average 3 times in the same week? Absolutely not. Can I break the first part of season 3 down for you without even trying? Absolutely.

Here's what we already know:

1. Lauren and Heidi still hate each other. In fact, they hate each other so much it makes you wonder how the two ever got along in the first place. Although, back in the pre-Spencer era, Heidi was just a fun loving girl with a big nose and small boobs. Hey, I didn't say it. Heidi's article in Us Weekly did.

2. Audrina likes losers who one day wake up and decide they want to change their name. This season has brought us one of the most memorable secondary characters in this show's history, Justin Bobby. Is his name Justin? Is his name Bobby? Who knows! What we do know is that he doesn't like to shower. And he is really attached to unfashionable, seasonally inappropriate hats. An over sized knit cap in L.A. in the summer? I think not J.B.

3. Whitney is stunningly beautiful. She is always poised and well put together. She often times counteracts the craziness that the other three main girls bring to the table by offering invaluable insight into this craziness. Whit (as I would call her if I were her actual friend...sigh) may benefit from a few late night runs to In N Out Burger after that shot of her in those skinny mini jeans a few ep's back, but I won't hold that against her...for now.

4. Lo is back and better than ever! She has been one of my favorites since the first season of Laguna Beach. A world where her and "LC" weren't best buds just wasn't a world I wanted to live in.

5. Spencer's facial hair is out of control. It's oddly super light blond and it doesn't help the already (in my opinion) unattractive Mr. Pratt. I don't think 14 year old girls are tuning in and thinking this guy's hot either. As a side note, what is he doing on his laptop all day? It seems like every time they show him in his and Heidi's apartment, he is typing away on that bad boy. I'm thinking he's either cruising for porn or checking how many friends he has on MySpace. You and I both know he's not working.

6. Brody and Spencer broke up. I know, they're not gay. At least not admittedly so. But the end of their friendship played out like two ex-lovers calling it quits.

7. The infamous Jen Bunney is still not smart. Or worthy of air time. But, she does look prettier this season. Did she pull an Ashlee Simpson and get medically necessary surgery on her nose? I know, I couldn't even type that without laughing. Someone get to the bottom of this for me.

8. Jason, AKA The Wolfman, is engaged to some little blond teenybopper who looked like she could kill Lauren with her bare hands if she wanted to. Maybe it was just the too-dark eyeliner that made her seem tough. Show of hands, who thinks this relationship is going to last? Yeah, I didn't think so either.

With all that being said, I can't believe I have to wait another seven days for next week's episode. I mean, I need something new to discuss, analyze, and re-watch over and over again during a weekend MTV mini-marathon. See ya next week!

I'm happy that they are so happy

No, really!

Brad, his corpse bride, and their two boys went to the off-Broadway show Jump last night. Earlier in the day, they took the whole brood on a helicopter ride around the city. Rub your family-time in my face, why don't you? *smack*

Gah! I never run into famous people in the lobby when I am seeing plays/musicals in New York. Well, other than when I wait with the other freaks for the actors to come outside after the show. Or, when I walk out of the theater after a bathroom break and spy Noel Crane sitting on a stoop and casually checking his cellphone messages.

*Scott Foley, I love you and you remain the best star meeting I have ever had.*

Pssst....Brad, I'm seeing Annie Lennox and Duran Duran next month. Make an appearance. Thanks. Love always, your next mistress. And I don't have any kids! Bonus!

Blame it on the Hep C?

Does it cause poor decision-making? Is she just perpetually drunk? I can't really believe a sober person in perfect health would a). want to do this, b). allow themselves to do this.

Regardless, Pam Anderson married Rick Salomon in Las Vegas last night. Tobey McGuire was a guest. RANDOM! Did they ask him to dress as Spidey and spin a web of love around them?

WTF, Pam? Why do you find skeevy guys attractive? Why do you want to marry them? How could you let the douche that taped himself having sex with Paris near your kids? I feel sick.

I give this six months at most.

Gah. So nasty.

The news you have all been waiting for!

Wait. Who reads this?

Anyway, I have just been informed that starting next week, we will have recaps of The Hills. That's right! The Hills. Team Elodie!

Get ready for every twist, turn, bitch face, eye roll, and mumble from the likes of Lauren, Heidi, Lo, Audrina, Justin Bobby, Spencer, and that blonde girl that actually works for a living.

Also, Brit is supposedly going to Crossroads rehab, not to be confused with the movie Crossroads she starred in.

Life is weird, y'all!

Brit loses the two people that combed out her weaves

The boys are going to stay with Kevin for a while. Uh-oh.

The lesser of two evils? Maybe. Maybe not.

This is a very sad story that will probably get worse before it gets better. I'd like to know why it took this long to take the kids away, but aren't the kids always the ones that suffer the most in situations like this? Poor things.

I hope Kevin has enough money to buy the boys some new sneakers. Run for your lives, little ones!!

Reason #299,890,905 to love David Letterman

He grilled Paris Hilton on her time in the slammer last week. Oh, Dave. As if I didn't already adore you.

In the beginning, you could see that Paris was going along with it, probably figuring that if she just answers the questions quickly that he'll move on. BUT WAIT! He didn't move on. He had questions after question ready for her scrawny ass, and you know he loved every minute of it. Let's face it: Dave has always been grouchy and liked to conduct interviews his way. You know immediately when he doesn't like someone and doesn't want to put up with their bullshit.

So, Paris starts to realize after a few minutes that he isn't going to let up, and she starts to get jittery. Then she uses the tactic of stating that she wants to move on. Then she puts her hand up. Then she finally says that Dave was making her sad that she agreed to come on.

And Dave, being Dave, offered to buy her a parakeet for her troubles.

Have I mentioned that I love David Letterman?

Jennifer Lopez is maybe so pregnant

How maybe so pregnant is she?

Remember Match Game? I used to love that show. I don't really know why, since it was really lame, but I think I liked the banter of the celebrities. Charles Nelson Reilly and Brett Somers were very funny together. They were the 70s version of Will and Grace.

Back to J.Lo. She looks like she is packing on the pounds. And I don't mean like me when Edy's ice cream is on sale at Stop-n-Shop. I mean like "I am growing a human inside of my body and I am really craving the left side of the menu of any restaurant."

Yesterday, she and her corpse-like husband visited P.S. 36 Unionport, which just so happens to be across the street from her childhood home(when she was Jenny from the Block, bitches). The school choir sang for them and probably whispered amongst themselves why someone that looks like Jenny would marry someone that looks like The Crypt Keeper. I DON'T KNOW EITHER! Oh, wait. It's true love. Gag.

J was sporting a flowy grey top that easily could have hidden a baby bump....or the twins that some speculate she is carrying. Whatever she ends up popping out, I assume "Ben" and "Diddy" will not be names up for grabs.

Let's hope the possible fetus-carrying can bring J back together with G...as in Guadalupe Lopez, who recently revealed that Jenny rarely calls her and doesn't ask for her advice on things. O-U-C-H! You know Lupe sits in her home and waxes poetic on the days when J was still with Ben, and he would take her gambling with him.

Oh, Lupe, you little enabler!

Jack Bauer loves the sauce

Kiefer Sutherland was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence Tuesday morning in Hollywood. He got hammered at the FOX Fall Casino party and then drove home drunk. Were Jim and Pam there recreating Casino Night? I wish. I love them.

Wait. So, Kiefer was released on $25,000 bail and has to appear in court in October. Will that interfere with filming? Look, judge, 24 needs to come back strong after a shitty season. Don't mess with Jack and the ticking clock! Since the show doesn't come back until January, it better damn well right itself and get back on track.

Kiefer, stop drinking until you are stone cold drunk. Sip your jack and coke and stop talking about how much of a bitch Julia Roberts is. We all know it. She's so annoying, BUT you were the one that wanted to get married. You saw past the mane of hair and horse jaw. I'm sorry that she cast her spell on you, but GET OVER IT. She's married to some loser and keeps popping out kids.

You got the better end of that deal. Don't blow it.

Back to School, y'all!

No, Brit isn't filming a remake of the Rodney Dangerfield movie. Like anyone would believe she could get into college. Besides, Crossroads still leaves a bad taste in the mouths of collective Hollywood. If only Jessica Simpson would stop getting roles! At least Mandy Moore can act. Thank goodness for you, Mandy! You give teenage pop stars hope.

Anway, a judge ruled that Brit and Kevin can maintain their 50/50 custody of their two poor sons, but that Brit has to get drug-tested twice a week and they both must attend co-parenting counselling sessions. Oh, boy. That will help, I'm sure. Kevin can learn that children aren't trophies, and Brit can learn that having your children fetch you your coke is considered poor parenting. It is? "But when I'm hungover, I can't get off the couch. Mama needs her white powder! Where's my weave?"

Well, to show how upset Brit was by this ruling, she hit Winston's and Hyde last night. Screw responsibility! I need to dance and pound red bull and coke. Yum.

The best thing anyone can do for those kids is leave the front door open and hope they find someone in the neighborhood that can take care of them. Good luck, boys!

Emmy recap

I'll just start by saying I was not bitter AT ALL that this year's bleacher seats were covered. What a great idea! It's not like they make you wait in the sun for 4 hours until the celebrities begin to show. HATE!

I would also like to say that everyone in the bleacher seats looked like nice, intelligent people who completely deserved to be there. Congrats to you all! (No, my brother didn't say anything about wishing the roof would collapse on all of you. Stop trying to start rumors!)

Let's begin with the pre-show. Oy.

Seacrest was a dick, as always. I loved how he ogled all of the women he interviewed in an attempt to keep that closet door tightly shut. What a loser. His strange obsession with Eva Longoria is creepy. I think he's in love with Tony Parker and figures if he butters Eva up, she won't suspect the knife he one day puts in her heart so Tony can be his! Or, he's looking to make an "Eva suit of skin" that he can wear like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs. Fun!

The Best Dressed of the night were Julia Louis-Dreyfus in deep purple, Kristen Bell in cornflower blue, Glenn Close in navy, Tina Fey and Mariska Hargitay in black, Kate Walsh in red, and America Ferrara in bright blue. Kudos, ladies! My gosh, Mariska's husband is good-looking! Deep breaths....deep breaths. Okay.

Worst Dressed was Vanessa Williams. Good grief. Feathers are never a good idea on a dress. Just, no. The color was wonderful (mint green), but the feathers were hideous. Shame on you, Kevan Hall.

I was also disappointed in Jenna Fischer's dress. The big bow underneath her breasts was ridiculous, and I didn't quite get the print. In a solid color, it would have looked amazing. Her hair and makeup were flawless, and I really wanted her to "wow" the red carpet after hurting her back in May and recently announcing her split with her husband. Oh, Jenna! I still love you and your frizzy hair and cardigans. Oh, wait. That's Pam. Well, love them both.

For the men, bow ties were a big trend. WHY???? I hate bow ties. But, John Krasinski and Patrick Dempsey wore them and looked hot, so I will begrudgingly accept it. I think Sally Field was having a hot flash when presenting with Patrick. I would have as well, Sally. I wasn't thrilled with the shorter hair on Patrick, but he looked great last night.

Did I mention I don't like Seacrest? Stick to hosting that singing competition show. Just awful. His attempts at humor were like an open-mic night. NIGHTMARE. Please let someone with a comedy gene host next year. He wasted no time going over to Eva and asking to see the bottom of her shoe. Huh? Oh, man. Foot fetish? You know he's dying to wear those heels.

The Theater in the Round was making me dizzy. Bad idea. And I don't understand the seating. The Office won the Best Comedy Emmy last year. Why weren't they in front? And why wasn't I given a clear indication as to whether or not Krasinski and Rashida Jones are still dating? That should have been your top priority FOX! Don't make me speculate as to why they weren't sitting next to each other. Trouble in paradise?

I really wanted Jenna to win Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy, but I can live with Jaime Pressly winning. Joy is a great character and she plays her with a lot of sass. Great acceptance speech, too.

I'm so bummed Ricky Gervais wasn't there to pick up his Best Actor in a Comedy award. I love Extras and am glad he was recognized. I LOVED that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert had Steve Carell come up on stage instead. HA! Great moment of them jumping around together. I would have been happy with Steve, Alec Baldwin, or Ricky winning. Just no Shaloub. Enough with Monk. Really.

If one show was going to beat The Office and not make me throw my t.v., it was 30 Rock. Such a great show. I hope this brings more recognition (and viewers). As it is now the permanent lead-in to The Office, I want big things for it this season. Tina's speech was hilarious. I am one of the "dozens and dozens of people that watch our show." HA! And proud of it. Oh, and I loved how Tracy Morgan was up on stage just chewing his gum. Was he still wearing his alcohol monitoring anklet? Such a great accessory.

Greg Daniels won for Comedy Writing for The Office. He and Conan used to be roommates. He kept Jim and Pam apart all season and introduced me to Karen Fillipelli. Congrats, Greg! *Smack*

Sally Field was censored for saying that if mothers ruled the world, there would be no war. I love Sally Field.

All-in-all, an okay show. Oh, and XTina performed with Tony Bennett. Fake bake and bleached hair have never looked classier. No, really.

Lock him up and throw away the key!

My favorite ex-football-player-that-got-away-with-murder, OJ Simpson, was questioned by Las Vegas police last night about a robbery that took place at the Palace Station Casino. The what? Never heard of it. Is he not allowed in The Bellagio? I'd buy that.

Alfred Beardsley, a memorabilia dealer, claims that OJ and his entourage robbed him and his associates of sports/OJ trial memorabilia at gunpoint. Oh, boy. Did OJ want the bloody glove back? What an idiot. Was Emmitt Smith's Dancing with the Stars trophy part of this collection? I bet OJ wants it, seeing as he will never be asked on the show. He has bad knees, you know...but still managed to run like the wind after murdering Ron and Nicole.

But I digress.

Should I be surprised OJ has an entourage? No. Far lesser douches than The Juice have people that want to leech off of them. You have to be a pretty desperate/mentally ill person to want to hang out with this guy, but maybe they just really like to golf. Or rob people of a Tom Brady signed football. How's Giselle, Tom? He's another idiot.

Keep your fingers crossed that OJ ends up behind bars. Please, God. Since I'm not going to the Emmys, can I please have this? PLEASE? I'm desperate.

Good luck, Jenna Fischer.

Jon Stewart to host Academy Awards

Love Jon Stewart. So funny. So cute.

Oscar telecast producer, Gil Cates, really likes Jon and wanted him back for next year's ceremony. Who hosted this year? Oh, Ellen. Right. She was fine. I think. I don't really remember. I like her talk show, though.

I really miss Billy Crystal hosting the Oscars. I can't help it. I loved those opening montages of him in hit movies. Sue me! They were funny. I think he was in bed with George Clooney once. Is that funny? Maybe.

I wonder if Bruce Villanch still writes jokes for the opening monologue. I saw him in CA at a restaurant once. I had a really great salad there. Oh, and my brother and I thought we saw Scott Foley at this same restaurant another time. Are you riveted?

I think Jon will do a good job. He was fine two years ago. Anyone is better than Ryan Seacrest, who I'm sure will make me choke on my own bile while he hosts the Emmys this Sunday. Who did he have to sleep with to get that gig? What a tool.

No, I'm not bitter about being locked out of red carpet bleacher seats this year. Do I sound like I am?

Congrats, Jon!

Suck on that, Ty Pennington!

Last year, Kathy Griffin's reality show, My Life on the D-List, lost the emmy for Best Reality Series to Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Ms. Kathy was not having it. She called BS during the Creative Arts Emmy's and made a scene. How I wish I was there to witness it.

Well, a year later, and the Emmy voters got it right. Kathy won Saturday night and gave what everyone is calling a "memorable speech."(By "everyone" I mean the two media outlets that discussed it within my earshot over the radio). During the speech, she discussed how celebrities often thank God when receiving their awards and how the emmy was "her god now" and that "Jesus can suck it." Oh, Kathy.

It is annoying when celebrities thank God for their wins. It's like when baseball players look up to heaven and blow a kiss after getting a base hit that scores the go-ahead run, or strike out a batter with the bases loaded. Ugh. God doesn't care about your baseball skills! Big Papi, you are the size of a house. You should be hitting homeruns and hitting the ball out of the infield! Pedro Martinez, God doesn't care that you can still strike people out. He is more concerned with your bad attitude and your association with that little person that acted as your Mini Me last season.

Okay, fine. Bobby Abreu does it and I'm not proud. BUT, God really likes him so it's okay. HA!

Anyway, after a year in which she divorced and lost her father, I'm really happy for Kathy and hope that Bravo renews her series for another season. I mean, she's the Red-Headed Oprah for goodness sakes!

Bad weaves and lip syncs and paranoia, oh my!

Poor Britney.

The opening shot, of the back of her horrible weave, was the best part of her performance. It was the only time she wasn't lip syncing! And the girl doesn't even know the words to her own song! What the hell? Too much coke? Too much partying with Puffy and Pharrell? Where was Criss Angel? Did he put a spell on her?

Her sparkly bra and underwear did no favors for her body. Granted, she has a flatter stomach than I do, but at least I know when to cover up my stomach and ass from the first ten rows(and millions of people watching on television). Oh, she's over. OVER. So over.

She looked completely out of it. Completely. She was scared and hesitant. She did not dance. She shimmied a few times and tried to keep from falling off stage. Of course, she never got close to the edge, but maybe she was distracted from all the spiders she must have been hallucinating were crawling on her skin. Is it spiders? Maybe ants? Are bugs ever associated with drug hallucinations? Am I on drugs?

Oh, and it's time to call in Tyra Banks so she can loan out some decent weaves. Brit needs a handler in the worst way.

Not good, y'all! Not good.

I want to smack Peter Doherty...but he probably wouldn't feel it

Pete Doherty, the former, maybe-now, maybe-still-former boyfriend of Ms. Kate Moss is a major crackhead. Old news. He's been arrested multiple times for possession and insane behavior and always released on bail. Huh. So, the English legal system is just as stank as the American one? Interesting.

Well, now it seems that ole' Cracky is making his cats smoke crack with him. Yeah, you read that right. He even made a mini crack pipe for one of the kittens his older cat gave birth to in April. Where is PETA and when are they going to storm his crack den? OH MY GOSH, I'm so pissed.

Now, I know when "a friend" spills all to The Sun, it's best to take everything with a grain of salt, but I saw a picture of this mess with the cat and the crack pipe. Actually, it looked to me like a bottle of booze you would get on a plane, but it could be a crack pipe, as I'm not really up on that sort of thing. I mean, I saw the movie Rush when I was in college, but Jason Patric's facial hair is really what scared me most. An hour in I was like, "Maybe I should do some heroin so I'll forget how creepy he looks and travel back to a more simple time....like when he was in The Lost Boys and before the Corey's became white hot messes."

I so want those cats to turn on him it's not even funny.

Trainwreck in Vegas

Oh, MTV. I once loathed my parents for being the only people in the neighborhood(at the time I thought ENTIRE WORLD)that didn't have cable and were, therefore, depriving me of seeing Duran Duran videos. Oh, the humanity.

Well, years and years and YEARS later(yes, I'm old), MTV proves that it sucks ass and can't pass up a white hot mess when it sees one. The "music channel" officially announced today that Brit will be opening the Music Awards this coming Sunday. If I were in the first several rows, I would wear ponchos like I was expecting Gallagher to come on stage and smash some watermelons. You don't know when a weave, red bull, puke, or coke sweat will hit you in the face! Take cover!

Sure, I'll watch. I love a good lip sync!

MTV, however, scolds me right to my face by announcing she will sing the song live. Who wrote that press release and how hard were they laughing? No harder then me when I read she spent an hour at a tanning salon yesterday. An hour? Good gracious. Just pull an Amanda Bynes and become addicted to self-tanner. Have you seen that girl lately? She's not the Amanda that I used to watch while babysitting on Saturday nights in Wilton, CT(don't judge! I needed the money!).

Anyway, watch out Vegas. This will be worse than any Carrot Top show. Hmmm....could be a love match in the making.

Just plain rude

Brad decided to take Maddox to the Yankee game last night. Uh....my phone was on, Brad. Why didn't I get an invite?

Of course he sat in the seats right next to the Yankee dugout. Spike Lee was there with his son. That I could have done without. I'm sure his son is perfectly nice, but Spike bugs the crap out of me. Why so angry, Spike? You've got millions. Your movies are so-so. A friend of mine once saw Spike in a subway station while they were both on their way to a Knicks game. My friend said, "Hey, Spike" and Spike responded, "I'm not going to sign anything." OH MY GOSH, SHUT UP! He didn't want your autograph, you ass. Calm down and go watch your stank basketball team lose.

So annoying.

Anyway, Brad was dressed in white. Uh oh. It's after Labor Day, William. Put the head-to-toe white away. Tim Gunn would not be impressed.

I guess when Brad and I get married, he'll be the one in white. No, scratch that. White tuxedos are nasty. Washed out much? Not a good look.

We'll both just wear black.

Kate Walsh gets married in an ugly wedding dress

She has all that money, and she picks a fugly dress? Kate, really! No excuse for that.

And did I mention her husband isn't that cute? Because he isn't. He's a production executive at Fox, so hopefully he won't be stealing money from her while she sleeps. But still. There is something off about him....oh, and the fact that he popped the question after they dated for only 2 months makes me suspicious.

Yes, I know I'm cynical(and, yes, I assumed she was pregnant), but what is the rush? What if he kills people in his spare time, Kate? That could have taken 6 months of dating to figure out!

Well, anyway, it's a done deal and I do wish her the best. I don't like Addison, and I certainly won't be watching her spinoff, Private Practice, but I do like Kate. Very funny and doesn't take herself too seriously.

That special two-hour Grey's episode that served as a springboard for the spinoff? NIGHTMARE! It was so bad. Worse then General Hospital: Night Shift. Oh my gosh, that show is so bad, it's good!!! Like, Billy Dee Williams is obviously low on his Empire Strikes Back money if he's playing a janitor on Night Shift.

Wait. Where was I? Oh, right. Private Practice is going to be cancelled and Addie will be back at Seattle Grace before long.

Speaking of Seattle Grace, how should I read into the fact that Ellen Pompeo and Patrick Dempsey didn't attend Kate's wedding? How about THEY HATE HER AND WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT DEAD AT HER LAME CEREMONY IN OJAI, CA?

I kid! I bet Pat was in some NASCAR race and Ellen was stealing things with her fiance.

Congrats, Kate!

Jessica, he's all yours!

Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams are ending their three-year relationship. I blame it on the pixie-cut she got several months ago. It made her look like Mia Farrow circa Rosemary's Baby, and that is just plain scary! Give birth to a devil baby lately? YIKES!

There are conflicting reports as to whether or not the two married earlier this year, but does it really matter? No. Or yes. I don't know. Will they fight over Matilda? Will Matilda legally change her name to "Joey Potter" someday? Take that, Mom! I rarely watched Dawson's Creek, but even I know how annoying Jen was. Oh, Michelle.

"Sources" claim the two split up a few weeks ago and that it is completely amicable. BORING! I hate amicable splits. I want name-calling and defamation of character! I want Joshua Jackson and The Beek hauled into court as character witnesses. Maybe the woman that played Jen's grandmother. Definitely Joey's bitchy sister. I bet she hated Michelle.

I'd demand Katie, as well, but she's still trying to come up with an escape from Tom. She's got enough on her plate.

Oh my gosh, you guys!

Britney's new single just dropped! Or leaked! Or something!

Gag.

I couldn't get past the first 30 seconds. Sounds like over-produced poo to me. That's right. POO.

Put a fork in this mess. She's OVAH!

Oh, and take away her kids before their teeth fall out from all of that soda and red bull. Poor little things.

Angie does Iraq

Slut!

Oh, Angie, you make me look so boring and lazy. Thanks for that!

Ms. Jolie travelled to Syria and Iraq to meet with families that have been uprooted by the war and to visit with US soldiers. What did I do the last two days? Send out some Fed Ex packages, answer the phone, and watch the Yankees beat the Red Sox. Whew! I'm beat. Nap time!

I have to hand it to Ange. She's done a lot of work as Goodwill Ambassador for the UN. I don't like camping because of the bugs and lack of showers, and here she is travelling all over the world to bring the plight of others into our collective conscious. Makes me want to have a cupcake in her honor. Or some Ben & Jerry's. Is it time for lunch?

Of course, with Ange away, Brad is with the kids in NY. Brad, would a visit to Stamford, CT kill you? I have a cat which the kids can play with, and you and I can dish on Gwyneth. I have a lot of issues with her and I imagine you do as well. We'll save the deconstruction of Aniston for another time.

Call me!

The Teen Choice Awards are scary

Paris and Nicole hosted last year, didn't they? And the kids loved them. UGH. Shady award show to say the least. And shouldn't they have teen stars host? Or at least people who haven't tried heroin and flashed their cooches to photographers? I can't be the only person who hasn't done either, right? Fine, I'll host next year.

This year, Hilary Duff and Nick Cannon did the honors. Neither one of them are teens, but okay. Shouldn't they have had the scary kid from High School Musical 1 and 2 and his beard host? Well, they won a bunch of awards. Man, Zac uses a lot of self-tanner.

Those hos from The Hills were there, too. Well, not Heidi. LC and Audrina. Yes, I know their names without looking them up. My life is officially in the toilet. Flush me, I'm done.

Other people who are not teens were there, including Steve Carell. Oh, Steve! It was nice of him to show to keep the young demographic happy. I don't really know if teens are watching The Office. For those that do, I'm here to tell you two things: Jim Halpert does not exist. You will work in offices with unattractive people that complain about their spouses and how they will never make enough to retire. It's very depressing. Also, working in an office sucks harder then what they show you on t.v.

Other people won other dumb awards but I'm now too depressed to go on about it.

I'm going to Cali to commit my crimes

Drive drunk in Cali and you, too, can spend only minutes in jail.

Nicole Ritchie only served 82 minutes behind bars today for her DUI arrest from last December. What the? Wasn't she high on Vicodin, as well? Mmmmm.....wait. Does Vicodin make you high or sleepy? I think sleepy. I only had the generic one time and it made me feel like I was jumping out of my skin. Thanks, Doc!

Cali jails are overcrowded, and they only like Paris, anyway. I think they were also fearful that Lionel would show up and take requests for an impromptu cafeteria concert. "Dancing on the Ceiling" is a big hit with the inmates. So is making shivs and buying cigarettes.

It must be nice to have money. Lindsay is also getting off way too easy and that bitch had coke in her pockets! And she tried to blame her driving and coke possession on others. Such a sweet little addict.

Also infuriating? Nicole is 5'1" and only weighs 105 pounds!!! And she's pregnant!!! I haven't weighed 105 since....uh.....maybe before I went away to college. Remember eating salad and cookies for lunch and dinner? What? You didn't? Well, excuse me! Mmmm....those cookies were good. And they served pop tarts on the weekend! And I remember a bunch of my friends befriended one of the cafeteria workers and she would bring out sour cream for us so we could make our own nachos. Nothing fattening (or sad) about that. Hold me!

Oh, yeah. Nicole is one lucky twig. Eat something, for goodness sakes!

The Piv likes to scream at his mom in public

Why so angry, Jeremy?

The man who loves to take his mother to award shows(and wear an ascot in 90+ degree heat)was screaming at her at Nobu recently.

Did she say she liked John Cusack's last film, 1408? No need to get loud, Jeremy. She's entitled to her opinion. Or maybe she's just not that crazy about this season of Entourage? I've heard some complaints about this season from critics.

Easy, Piv! The woman gave birth to you AND probably helps you pick out your toupes. Let her speak her mind over a ridiculously-priced meal. It's her right!

I really think Jeremy needs to stop with the paranoia and reconcile with Cusack. I just don't see John being that jealous of Jeremy's success. I mean, sure, he won an Emmy for Entourage last year, BUT John is freakin' Lloyd Dobler!!! Come on! He put up with Diane and her lame-ass clothes. (I mean, who dressed her? Remember that dress she wore to the party? It didn't fit! And what was with that huge flower in her hair? Oh, Diane Court!).

What did The Piv play in Say Anything? A drunk guy named Mark. Did I even know his character had a name until I just looked him up on imdb? NO!

Also, just read that Kirk Cameron almost got the role of Lloyd. GAH!!!!!!!!! He was great as Mike Seaver, but please. Not even close.

SHUT UP, Gwyneth!

Although she hasn't been in the Hollywood spotlight in forever, Mrs. Chris Martin sure does love to bitch and moan about the paparazzi.

The Annoying One was in Chicago to promote some new Estee Lauder perfume(wow!) at Macy's, and (seethed with jealousy) complained about the presence of paps at her hotel because Brad, Ange, and the kids, were in town while Ange filmed her new movie. Retract those claws, Gwen.

Of course she just had to stay at that particular hotel. Mmmm hmmmm. Please. Stalker!

"When Brad and Angelina leave, won't they (paparazzi) go, too?"

Yes, they will. No one wants to hang out waiting for you to do something interesting. Even when she won an Oscar, she couldn't pretend to be anything more then the bore she is.

MEOW!

My initial hatred of Gwen was born from the fact that she dated Brad, BUT, all these years later, I just can't stand how phoney and pompous she is. Even without Brad, she makes me want to scream. Live in England full-time and shut yourself off from Hollywood. It doesn't need you.

I really need a cookie.

She said NO! NO! NO!

That little wino, Amy Winehouse, is out of rehab after only a week. The not-being-able-to-drink must have pushed her over the edge. Rehab is so boring without a little cocktail after dinner. Or before breakfast.

I think that husband of hers is shady. What does he do for a living? Mix her drinks? Buy her heroin from the young boy down the street from their flat? Is it Hugh Grant? He's not young, but he seems to be done with Hollywood and might need a new career. Didn't he recently throw something at paparazzi? I think it was soup in a baggie. Yeah, he's lost it.

The beauty of Amy busting out of rehab is that she went straight to a bar. It's love, folks! When you can't stand to be separated from booze and run to the nearest pub to grab a pint, it's good ole' fashioned head-over-heels love. So sweet.

If only she could run into a dentist while on her binge. Girlfriend needs new teeth.

The less fortunate will just have to wait

Paris has another album to record, so stop with your needy and your disadvantaged! Ugh!

Did anyone really believe this ho was going to change her ways? Really? Anybody? Kim Kardashian, maybe?

Well, so much for one day being annointed a saint. What a lavish ceremony it would have been. Dogs dressed in the finest couture, coke lines as far as the eye can see, and Hell freezing over while Armageddon tears the world apart. I would have worn something special from the Macy's sales rack.

Although, with Paris recording another album, is Armageddon really that out of the question? Maybe I'll pick up something nice at Target on the way home.

Lost in the mail

I'm sure that's what happened to my invite to Maddox Jolie-Pitt's sixth birthday party.

Or, maybe Aniston intercepted it! I wouldn't put it past her.

Brad and Angie had a bunch of kids over at their Santa Barbara pad this past weekend. Remember the soap opera Santa Barbara? I do. Robin Wright-Penn was in it, along with Marcy Walker and A. Martinez. Good soap couples on that show. Robin was with some hot guy named Jeffrey. I think he had an accent. Anyway, it was a good show. Although, I used to watch Alf, so what do I know?

Santa Barbara is also where Vaughn wanted to take Sydney for the weekend, but then she got into an intense throw down with Evil!Francie and ended up losing 2 years of her life as an assassin for The Covenant. Oh, Vaughn. You should have just called me instead of marrying Melissa George.

Wait. Uh, where was I? Maddox....right! So, some kids came over and bounced around high on sugar and played Army. I thought Mama and Papa Bear were anti-war. Hmmm......I think this should be investigated. Were members of the NRA invited? I'll be pissed if they shared cake with the Jolie-Pitts and I didn't.

Michelle Pfieffer totally deserved one before Britney

I can't believe Michelle didn't have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame until now. Who do I complain to? I mean, Britney and Puffy had one before this woman? BS! The woman was in Grease 2 for crying out loud!!

Well, Michelle looked stunning in a strapless dress and flowing locks. Hope she didn't bend over too much during photos. The woman is almost fifty and looks better then I did in my 20s. Oh my gosh, that isn't saying much because I wore some really ridiculous outfits. I think I still do. Oh, whatever. I'll hire a stylist to dress me when I finally receive my star. Clear your calendars for 2050!

As I was perusing photos from the ceremony, I came across an adorable one of Michelle with her The Fabulous Baker Boys co-star, Jeff Bridges. Was Beau Bridges there? Too busy? Michelle and Jeff were smokin' hot together in that movie. He was a real prick and she was full of sass. Loved it. Who can forget the scene of her singing on the piano while he played? Me!

The first time I saw this movie was on tv, with some friends, the summer before my senior year. Well, one friend thought it was her right as an actress/singer/relative of a famous political family to sing along with Michelle during the piano scene. Totally ruined it. Years later I watched the movie again and realized how hot Jeff Bridges was during that scene. While you are telling your friend to "Shut the f*** up!" you miss out on those things. Sorry, Jeff!

Anyway, Paul Rudd attended the ceremony as well. Have I mentioned lately that I love Paul Rudd? I do. A lot. He's so funny. And has gotten better looking as he gets older. I hate people like that. Paul did a movie with Michelle entitled I Could Never Be Your Woman, which comes out this November. I'll be there with Sno Caps.

Ryan or Jake: Who will Reese choose?

No, this is not a Friday cliffhanger on Passions. If it was, there would be bad special effects, a little person, and some type of witchcraft involved. That show is creepy!

Several reports have Ryan and Reese eating at their favorite restaurant and jogging together around the Brentwood Country Club. Elitists! Besides, who wants to work out with someone they love? I don't. I would not want my boyfriend meeting me at the gym because I sweat a lot and like to secretly judge others. Who has time for conversation?

Other reports have her getting back with Jake G. Were they ever really together? I have my suspicions. I know they did a movie together right around the time her split with Ryan was announced, so I think the media just tried to make something out of nothing. I mean, neither one called me to confirm, and I'm usually the first person the celebs call right after their Psychic Friends. I'm Number 2 on speed dial right after Miss Cleo. Jealous?

Oh, Reese. I wish I had some advice. The only men I know who may be fighting over me are in my head and they won't call to confirm. Why so coy, boys? Fight it out in a cage match! That's a true test of love.

Stealing is the new black

I want in on this!

Louis Vuitton sent over some samples for Lindsay's Elle shoot. Well, Linds must have needed a fix, because she started shoving the samples into her bag! Coke does not come cheap, and Lindsay looks like the type to barter with her dealer. Especially if the stories about her staging paparazzi shots in exchange for cash are true. That Mean Girls money must be long gone.....up her nose!

A stylist's assistant took back most of the items, but Lindsay still managed to walk away with a few things. Louis was not having it, and this incident lead to Lindsay being dropped from consideration as the new face of Vuitton. I'm sure the coke bloat didn't help either.

Could you imagine what would happen if Brit and Lindsay did a photoshoot together? I'm thinking of starting a magazine entitled "The Addict" and letting these two wackos fight over clothes from Target. Maybe I'll even throw in a few wigs from The Dollar Store.

I doubt even Annie Leibovitz could make it work.

Science 101: Skeletons can get pregnant

Huh.

So, Nicole Ritchie is pregnant. People had been speculating for months, and she finally confirmed to Diane Sawyer that she is four months along.

(Yes, I know this is old news, but I've been watching Shark Week on Discovery and it's been very distracting(as well as terrifying and nightmare-inducing)).

Remember when Diane Sawyer had actual cred? Like, people respected her as a journalist and her husband, Mike Nichols, wanted to be seen in public with her? Think waaaaaayyyyy back. Pre-Michael and Lisa Marie. I guess it has been a really long time. Oh, Diane.

Anyway, are Hollywood people afraid of The Pill? Ever heard of condoms? Did you know they released a new version of the Today Sponge? I doubt Nicole would have been able to figure out how to use it, but at least it would have given her something to do other than have sex with nasty-ass Joel Madden. Ew. He's just....a douche with no talent? Yeah, I know. He'll make a great dad, I'm sure. Ain't love grand?

So Nicole has to spend 4 days in prison because California has some whack jobs parading as judges. What is the point? Couldn't he have demanded she sign papers promising that she will eat and gain weight for the baby's sake, instead? Seriously, I don't know how the woman stands up. She's frail! How will she carry a baby and nourish it for the next 4-5 months? It scares me to think about it.....like it scares me to think about people voluntary getting into water inhabited by sharks.

Crack-smokers, all of you!!

Where do cancer sticks double as lollipops?

In Brit's house!

Who's house? Brit's house!

What the hell am I doing? Oh, yeah. So, Life & Style is reporting that Mother of the Year, Britney Spears, asks her sons to find "mommy's lollipops" when she misplaces her smokes. Wonder what special name she has for her coke. "Boys, go find mommy's fairy dust." Yeah, that'll work.

No wonder these poor kids always look so tired.

Of course, it could also be due to their piss poor diet. Brit supposedly fills their bottles with soda and lets them eat Doritos all the time. Mmmm....remember when Cool Ranch Doritos came out? God only knows what pesticides and spices were sprinkled on each chip, but those things were good.

Right. So, the kids. Man, they have it rough. I wonder if they take care of the dog. I bet they do. You know they've learned how to clean mama's puke out of the rug. Oh, the stories they will tell from behind bars someday. They'll be the most popular kids on the block. Thanks, I'll be here all week!

If only they could learn to tie Brit's nasty weaves together and climb out a window. Good luck, boys!

Star Jones admits to gastric bypass surgery. I admit to loving ice cream.

Is anyone surprised by this?

Did she really think anyone bought that Pilates helped her lose all of the weight? Please. I do Pilates once every six months and it hasn't helped me lose a pound. Should I be doing it more often, or quitting my job to launch a full-scale investigation behind the scam that is Pilates? Hmmm......

What is even more hilarious than the Pilates lie is the lie that her husband is straight. Oh, Star! Maybe she goes by the ole' George Costanza mantra that "It isn't a lie if YOU believe it." The repulsion on Big Gay Al's face everytime they are photographed together isn't going to get this little firecracker down!

Deny, deny, deny.

You can read Star's confession in the August issue of Glamour magazine. You know Kathy Griffin will be having a good laugh over it.

Naomi doesn't burden world with strangely-named child

Naomi Watts dropped the massive child she was carrying around for the past year and named him Alexander. Phew! No Apple, Moses, Pilot Inspektor, Brooklyn, Door Stop, Bookcase, Shelf, or Subway Token for she and Liev, thank you.

Honestly, she seemed to be pregnant forever. And that belly was huge. Bigger than mine! I bet it knocked some poor, unsuspecting people out. Short people. Whatever! We count!

The verdict is still out on Liev. I mean, he was great on Broadway in Talk Radio, BUT he dated Neve Campbell when they made Scream. That means he loses points. Julia was the most annoying character on Party of Five. Pre-JLH, of course. She was always whining to her hot boyfriends about how hard her life was. Poor Justin. He deserved better. As did Griffin(who always needed a haircut).

Owen was bad, too, but he was just a kid and he had to be raised by a bunch of self-involved twits, so I really couldn't blame him(except when he went through his I'll-only-eat-white-food-phase). SHUT UP, OWEN! Claudia was whiny, come to think of it. And I didn't always like Kirsten. Charlie was hot, though. Bailey was cute, but always looked so young. Why did I watch this show? Right. Charlie was hot. Love you, Matthew Fox!

Uh....oh, yeah. Congrats to Naomi and Liev!

Maddie won't stand for haters

Maddie is so powerful, she can get people fired from movie sets for talking trash about one of her kids. YIKES!

On the set of Guy's latest project, RocknRolla, Her Madgesty overheard two crew members talking about her brood. One asked the name of her son, to which the other replied "Lucky Bastard." Put away the Haterade, crew member! Not sure if he was talking about Rocco or David, but it would fit either one. What? I love kids.

Needless to say, the dude was fired and order was restored on set.

How dumb can you be? Keep the snark to yourself when on a set with the kid's parents. Wait until you are sitting around drowning your sorrows with a pint and lamenting about how annoying that Lucky Bastard's parents are. I mean, those are the rules of snark and they are unflinchingly rigid.

The real point of this story is that Maddie was on the set of Guy's movie. Uh-oh. Does this mean a "comeback?" Stick to dropping beats with Justin. That is annoying enough.

I love coke and couture!

Of course the coke in your pocket wasn't your coke, Linds! I hold drugs for my friends all the time. Sometimes they are wearing pants without pockets, or dresses without pockets...OR IT'S MY COKE AND I LIKE THE FEEL OF IT IN MY POCKET. IT'S LIKE A SECURITY BLANKET WHEN I AM DONE DRINKING AND NEED SOMETHING UP MY NOSE.

Oh my gravy, as Rachael Ray says. (Does that bug anyone else?)

I liked Lindsay when she was young and innocent and even when she started to slut it up in Mean Girls. I let it slide because she had a few back-to-back hits and people were speculating her breasts were fake and I felt a little sorry for her because fame was coming at her fast. And her parents were complete fools who wanted the fame and money and didn't really care about their daughter, the new Family Cash Cow.

But enough is enough. The girl needs help. And I don't care that she's 21 years old. She's a girl. A girl with addiction problems and no one to help her.

And don't get me started on how she, like Nic Kidman, can't pull off being blonde because they are TOO PALE! What? Yes, that is a part of the problem.

Just like bad weaves and no manners are Brit's problem. I can't wait for OK! Magazine's exclusive look at the meltdown of the woman that thinks gas station bathroom floors are sanitary and beating up a car with an umbrella is no joke. Oh, Brit! Ya little bumpkin!

I don't know which cracks me up more....that she wiped her greasy hands on a couture dress(after eating fried chicken at a photoshoot), or that she used a couture dress to wipe up her dog's poop. Hmmmm......too close to call, I guess! I'm sure the stains of cheetos and red bull weren't far behind.

And now Kevin wants to sue for full custody and I want to sue them both for procreating when they clearly are too stupid to walk and chew gum at the same time. Those poor kids.

I still think if Angie is so into saving the world, she should start with those two kids! C'mon Ang!

Or, Brad and I can just raise them on Lost island. What a storybook ending.

Posh and Becks are finally here.

Did you feel the shift in the Universe? Did you feel tingly for no apparent reason? Sick to your stomach? Angry? Lethargic? Giddy?

Blame it on Vic and David. They are now in the US and controlling your every move. They are just that powerful.

Look, David Beckham is hot. Almost obscenely so. I get the hero worship he experienced in London. He was like royalty.

Then there is Posh. She was seen as the Glamorous Spice Girl that you know secretly despised the other's lack of fashion sense. She scowled and lip synched while secretly cursing Geri's over-the-top outfits and Mel B.'s wild hair. And you know she wanted to smack Emma upside the head on more then one occasion, while clearly hoping Mel C. would do it for her.

Now they have arrived in the US and are going to take over....what, exactly? Soccer will never be as popular here as it is in other countries. I mean, I'd like to count Dave's tattoos as much as the next woman or gay man, but I'm not going to spend money to see him play. I just don't care. Don't those games last forever? I think that would cut into my tv watching.

So, that leaves us with having to watch the paparazzi follow their every move while they shop, hang with Tom and Joey Potter, and prepare for World Domination. Throw in the Spice Girls reunion and you have the Perfect Storm for media saturation. And that will just annoy me and make me hate them and refuse to watch Bend it Like Beckham ever again.

That will show them!

Donna Martin is all grown up and marrying people off

Oh, Tori!

In addition to horrible actress and homewrecker, Tori Spelling can now add "Reverend" to her resume. The new mom was ordained online and married a same-sex couple at her bed and breakfast this past weekend. Congrats to Tony and Dex.

Apparently, one of the grooms performed a song and dance that was "show stopping." Martinis were named after the happy couple's favorite Broadway shows and served to guests at the reception. The gays know how to throw a party.

If I ever get married, I want to have martinis named after all of my fake tv and movie boyfriends. That will show my new husband that although I love him, I love my fake boyfriends even more and am really just settling. And that's what marriage is all about, right?

And, no, I will not have Tori performing the ceremony. I'm holding out for Doherty.

So much to talk about!

It's been forever since I've written, and I know the few people that read this have turned to booze and pills to cope. Put down the martini and lay off the Vicodin, everyone! Or, don't. Whatever.

So much has happened in the past few months. Let's recap:

Paris went to jail. Left jail. Went back to jail. Left jail. Strutted past the paparazzi en route to her idiot mother and went home to chase her dog around the yard. Wow. She is now taking acting and singing lessons. Time to move to Canada!

Amy Winehouse and Lily Allen came to the US and drank themselves silly. Occasionally they promoted their albums. Oh, girls! Put down the cocktails and stop pissing off your fans by cancelling shows at the last minute. And, Lily, you are not fat. People who say that you are have self-esteem issues and like to take it out on other people. That's probably why I'm such a hater! Amy, wash out your beehive and keep yourself out of rehab until after I come to LA in September.

Lindsay went to rehab! Britney went to rehab! I contemplated going because these rehab centers looked like spas and I've never been to a spa!

Brit attacked a car with an umbrella after shaving off her hair. Seemed logical. She now spends her days wearing hideous outfits and bad weaves. And I bet if you asked her how her children are, she wouldn't remember having any. It's all that red bull and cheetos. They screw with your mind! Life is hard, y'all!

Rosie left The View. My mother is still mourning.

Alec Baldwin left a heart-warming message on his daughter's phone. That's what family is all about. He guaranteed that Ireland will either strip or become an addict. Of course, who's to say she can't do both?

In tv news, 24 ended an awful season, Ted and Robin broke up and Lilly and Marshall married on How I Met Your Mother, things happened on Grey's Anatomy(but I was too pissed off to care), Charlie died and Jack and Kate met up after being rescued from the island on Lost(and what was up with the poor lighting and layers of makeup on Evie during that scene? Who did she piss off in the makeup department to look like a clown?). AND, the most important event of the 2006-20007 tv season was that Jim finally asked Pam out on The Office(suck on that, Karen! May you, and your ill-fitting clothes, find happiness on FOX).

Movies? Well, Knocked Up was released and one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. No, seriously. It was really funny. Izzie Stevens didn't annoy me! I was shocked. Seth Rogen was great and Paul Rudd proved, once again, how fantastic he is. Call me, Paul! I mean, uh, good job!

Most recently, I saw License to Wed. Is it the worst film ever made? No. But, it's not great. John Krasinski is the only reason to see it. And now my mother is a fan. The line forms behind me, Mom!

I know I'm leaving things out, but my memory isn't what it used to be. Pass the red bull.

Someone needs a "Who's the Boss" reunion STAT!

Alyssa Milano is doing commercials for VEET hair remover.

Oh my.

Obviously, that Charmed money did not get invested wisely. Maybe Tony Danza can throw her a few bucks. I think he's doing The Producers. And I just saw Judith Light on Law & Order: SVU last week. Where's Mona? Or the kid that came out after the show ended?

I hope I'm not going to have to organize a telethon myself. That is so something Danza should do.

Just Like Hell

The Cure are dead to me.

Robert Smith is going to do a duet with Ashlee Simpson on her upcoming album. I grab the nearest sharp object and jam it into my eye.

This is straight up b.s.

The Cure were a big deal to me when I was in high school. They were moody and strange and completely cool. Robert wore eyeliner and had crazy hair and was more pale then I was.

Now, they suck(yes, I include the entire band in my hatred of Robert's decision). Sorry, guys!

I bet Papa Joe had something to do with this. Can't he leave well enough alone? Gah.

Oh, Alanis

She's gone and covered "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. It's slow and haunting and ridiculous because of those silly lyrics.

Kudos, Alanis. Breaking up with Ryan Reynolds caused you to gain a sense of humor.

The video is very funny. The bangs she's sporting are just as scary as Fergie's.

Ms. Alanis has certainly come a long way since You Can't do That on Television. Although, honestly, she'll never be as big as Robin Sparkles.

Office marathon

I love NBC. For this week.

They are giving the world 5 episodes of The Office this week. Why? Because the show hasn't been new in FOREVER and Kevin Reilly and Greg Daniels are tired of getting my angry letters and emails. Well, excuse me gentlemen!

This show is so great when Karen isn't in it. That is the real lesson of the marathon. Sadly, she is in the last one, but I refuse to watch it. So there.

Just saw the trailer for Evan Almighty. Ummmm......I'm not feeling it. I still love you, Steve!

Gwen, please

What is Gwen Stefani doing on American Idol?????? Girl, don't even.

Gwen has been mentoring the kids this week, and will perform with Akon on tonight's results show. I think it's the results show. Oh, who gives a crap? It's on practically every night of the week. Maybe someone will be voted off, maybe not.

Ryan and Paula will still be there, and that is a real tragedy.

Anyway, Gwen has disappointed me. She's better then this. Or, she's not, and all the hatred I had when she stole Gavin from me was warranted. Feel my rage, Stefani!

It wasn't meant to be

I was in Vegas this past weekend, and so was K-Fed. Huh??? How did we not cross paths? I'm pissed. Actually, I'm more pissed because I missed meeting Shar Jackson. I've got some questions for her....like, "did you know Brandy was a bad driver when you worked on Moesha with her, and WTF did you see in Kevin?"

Katie Couric has nothing on my interview skills. Obviously.

Cam is as nasty as I imagined

I always thought Cameron Diaz looked dirty. Now I have proof that she is. I want a prize. Something chocolate and something redeemable for cash will do. Make that 2 prizes.

Cam was recently quoted as saying that she wears an outfit for four days and then never wears it again. And she means four days in a row. Great googly moogly. Girl is crazy!

Oh, but don't worry. She does say she changes her underwear. How often, no one knows? Left that part out, didn't you Cammie? Yowza. And ew.

I bet she smells like one big cloud of pot and b.o. And yet she still gets guys. Go figure.

A few things

There is a lot going on, so let's get right to it:

Uma Thurman may be remarrying. I want to care, but apparently she and Ethan are on good terms and he will be attending the wedding. So now I'm just bored.

Tori Spelling gave birth to a baby boy: Liam Aaron. Congrats. With the size Tori was, I expected her child to be at least 12 pounds. He wasn't. Oh, and her husband still looks shady. And greasy.

Britney is drinking a lot of soda while in rehab. I think it's funny that this information was leaked. Even more funny? I'm amused by it. At least she seems to be off the Red Bull. That is really what caused her to jump into a few different rehabs. Well, that and the alcohol and drugs.

Angie adopted again! She's the best. The best bitch! She stole my man. In all seriousness, I think it's wonderful that she adopted another child. I just hope Shiloh doesn't get a complex as the "one of these things is not like the others." Brad, take extra care of her.

Finally, March Madness is here! And by that, I mean I'm still going crazy over most of my shows in reruns.

Rachel looking for work at Central Perk

Wednesday is a great time to rhyme.

Oh my gosh! I'm on fire.

Ahem.

So, Jennifer Aniston may be moving to New York city so she can "start over" and "meet men."

Ummmmm......bitch, please. The starting over part I can understand. But, how hard is it for her to meet men? She's attractive(I guess), she's got tons of cash, and....ummmm.....well, she does have nice hair and cash. Oh, and she starred in Leprechaun. Although, honestly, Warwick Davis owned that movie and she had her old nose back then. And wore jean shorts with a leather jacket if I remember correctly, so maybe that's not something to brag about.

Wow. March reruns make me cranky and I'm taking it out on a woman who shares my name. Well, guess what? TOO BAD.

She has the luxury of wanting to move to New York and affording something beautiful and luxurious and ridiculously overpriced. If I wanted to move to New York, I'd end up having to move in with at least 3 other people for a room no bigger then a closet and have the smell of urine greet me in the lobby everyday.(Too overdramatic?)

Good luck, Jen. And don't even think about dating a Yankee.

He goes from bad to worse

Nasty.

Jude Law spent some time with La Lohan at "The Box" in NY recently. I think it's a club. Or bar. Or some place with lazy owners that couldn't be bothered to come up with a real name.

Jude, you are slummin'. What happened to the Jude I knew and loved? The one that would grace a magazine cover and cause me to debate whether I could afford to buy that magazine and do my laundry. And buy a pint of Ben and Jerry's. I want my money back, Jude! Especially for the Vanity Fair and Details, because they are a rip-off!

It was bad enough when you were hanging with Sienna, and screwing your nanny, but THIS? Firecrotch? Really????

Is recently-out-of-rehab the new, trendy way to meet men? I'm still stuck on thinking online dating is wonky. I guess I should start buying crack.

I'll let the braids slide

Because she's Keri Russell, and she's pregnant, and she's Felicty Porter. Hey!

Sadly, she looks to be in better shape then me. And I'm fine with that. Really.

*sobs*

Ben, hold me.