A D-Lister in Stamford

Thursday night I saw Kathy Griffin at the Palace Theater in good ole' Stamford, CT. Sadly, Jim Halpert was not there.

It was a sold-out show, thank you very much! Stamford loves Kathy.

And it was a mix of all kinds of people. The biggest surprise was how many pregnant women there were.

I expected someone's water to break. Didn't happen, though.

Kathy performed for about two hours, so I will forgive her for the just barely hour-long performance she gave at Mohegan Sun back in February.

She was hilarious, per usual.

Touched on all the topics you would imagine: Clay, The View, Suri, Scientology, The Olsen Twins, Oprah and Gail, her parents, her wacky living arrangements, and her gay following.

She also recounted her Ambien blackout in Iraq. I had heard it before but it was just as funny. She is a wonderful storyteller.

Sadly, she did not get to her Emmy's experience. I'm sure she would have given a nice shout-out to my brother and I.

Or told us to suck it.

I called it. Where's my prize?

When Tina Fey announced that she was leaving SNL, my first thought was "Oh, crap."

My second was that Seth Meyers should take over for her on Weekend Update.

Well, he is! Congrats to Seth.

I think he and Amy Poehler have a nice chemistry on the show, and that should translate well to Update.

I also think that I should be given free tickets for the next several seasons because I had this idea first.

Or, at the very least, invites to the after parties.

I'm hoping that Amy's husband, Will Arnett, will host at some point this season. They costar in a film called Blades of Glory that is opening on March 31st of next year(Happy Birthday, Becky!).

Since Will Ferrell also stars in the movie, I'm betting he will get the hosting job that weekend.

Fine. Guest appearance by Will Arnett. Just give me my Gob Bluth, dammit! And throw in Franklin for good measure.

Ahem.

The season premiere of SNL is this weekend. Dane Cook hosts(please, no Jessica cameo) and The Killers are the musical guest.

Good luck, Seth.

Be afraid, London. Be very afraid.

Ashlee Simpson has invaded your turf.

Run for the hills. Or wherever.

For some unknown reason, she has been given the role of Roxie Hart in the West End production of Chicago.

Bloody hell.

London, I know you haven't been the same since Maddie and Gwynnie have taken up residence there, but come on!

Can someone please explain why she is being given opportunities to sing in public? When has that ever been successful?

This twit bugs to no end.

The entire family should be banished to an island and never heard from again.

Was that harsh? Maybe. I'm cranky.

The problem with the entire Simpson crew, though, is that they are all now media whores. Even Papa Joe. Creepy Papa Joe.

You cannot escape them. No matter how hard you try.

Nick, thank your lucky stars you got out when you did.

However, we must talk about Vanessa. Call me.

Stars Hollow is one big suckfest

Tonight marks the 7th season premiere of Gilmore Girls.

It also marks the end of my allegiance to the show.

Amy Sherman-Palladino and her husband, Dan, have gone on to obscurity, leaving the show in the equally wacky hands of David Rosenthal.

You don't care? Me, either!

This show used to be one of my favorites. It used to be entertaining.

Now? Not so much.

For me to stay with a show, I need to care(even just a little)about the main character(s).

Since I hate Lorelai and Rory, I'm done.

Hopefully I will read that Luke closed the diner and moved. And that everyone in town starved to death since they seem incapable of cooking meals for themselves.

Best of luck, Luke!

Jared Leto is an idiot

Why?

Because he just is. He doesn't even have to try.

Fine. Here are some actual reasons:

1. Used to date Cameron Diaz.

2. Thinks he is a rock star.

3. Moans about how much weight he had to gain to play Mark David Chapman in Chapter 27.

The only thing that could make me like him again(like I did when he played Jordan Catalano on My So Called Life)is if he dished that Claire Danes was a complete bitch on set.

Oh, you know she was.

HATE!

She bugs even when holding a bottle of perfume.

Oh, it's just me? You don't feel blind rage looking at this picture?

WHATEVER.

Get a copy of her appearance on Inside the Actor's Studio. You'll see things my way.

Or, just pick up any print interview she's done for the past decade.

Apple and Moses are going to have some great stories to tell someday.

Jim + Pam + Me = Love triangle

Ha!

I went to NY this morning to see Jenna Fischer and John Krasinski from The Office.

They were signing copies of the Season 2 dvds at the NBC Experience Store, which is right across the street from the Today Show.

They were so friendly! Even though security made you feel that you were approaching the Soup Nazi!

I had been up since 3 this morning, and the signing was at 9, so, needless to say, I was a zombie.

And, because I guess I'm legally considered a dwarf, I could barely see over the crowd to take pictures.

This nice guy(who was tall)took some pictures for me and I'll upload them soon.

I did finally figure out that if I snuck around a corner, that I would be able to take pictures of them as they were leaving. Reminder: I was very tired and my brain was only half functioning.

Don't forget to watch The Office tonight!!!!!

And, John Krasinski....call me.

And babies make five

Patrick Dempsey announced on Live with Regis and Kelly this morning that his wife is pregnant with twins.

Boys.

May they inherit their father's hair and learn to style it much sooner then Patrick did.

This is really great news. Totally great. Really. Seriously.

Little Tallulah will now be a big sister.

And hopefully those boys will be given better names. Yeah, I said it.

So, congrats to the happy family. I wish them the best.

*sobs uncontrollably*

Ahem.

Finally, I'd just like to say that last night I discovered I am friends with someone that has a heart of stone.

I mean it.

Because I cannot for the life of me figure out how someone could see Little Miss Sunshine and not be entertained.

Or, at the very least, charmed by Abigail Breslin.

So, to that friend, I say "suck it."

I think he's just taking his Steve Carell dislike out on an innocent movie, anyway. Sucker.

Halloween in September

That is really the only excuse for this.

I assume this is a wig. Right? It has to be. I don't think Lourdes would let Maddie out of the house like this.

Or would she?

The only good thing about this new look is that it takes attention away from the gap in her teeth.

Oh, snap!

The most annoying woman on television

It's Rachael Ray.

Sure, she creates 30 minute meals and shows you how to spend only $40 a day when traveling, but MY GOSH is she annoying.

Some of her "rayisms"(gag me)include the gems "yum-o" and "sammies."

She calls sandwiches "sammies." How about a smack, Rachael?

There is way too much pep and perkiness oozing out of her. It makes me want to throw myself in front of a bus.

Now she has her own talk show thanks to Oprah.

Oprah, you couldn't leave well enough alone? Launching Dr. Phil's own brand of insanity on the world wasn't enough?

I think it's time to buy a bottle of EVOO and hit myself over the head with it.

If only

In the immortal words of Felicity Porter, this would be amazing!

With Colbert as VP, of course.

Bobbi Kristina breathes a sigh of relief

Now she'll only have to deal with one f***ed up parent at a time!

After a tumultuous 14-year marriage(where did the time go? Oh, right. Buying crack and smoking it), Whitney Houston has finally taken the advice of EVERY PERSON IN THE WORLD and filed for a legal separation from Bobby Brown.

I wonder if Clive Davis made this one of his conditions in orchestrating her comeback? Hmm...

Regardless, this is really good news. Two people that screwed up should not be together.

I mean, it only took watching 5 minutes of their reality show to realize that crack is, indeed, whack. And another 2 to realize that neither of them should ever be around children. Or adults. Other humans, actually.

Maybe Bobbi should pull a Drew Barrymore in irreconcilable Differences and sue for emancipation.

(Just don't stay with crazy Dionne Warwick. She probably lives with people she met on the Psychic Friends Network).

Let's hope that this means less time on a shrink's couch for little Bobbi. Like, 4 days instead of five.

That poor girl.

At least she'll have a great tell-all to write within the next several years.

That's something. I think.

Maybe not.

You know who is probably most excited about this? Kevin Costner.

I'm sure he's twenty-five pages in on his Bodyguard 2 screenplay already.

For the love of Celestia

Anne Heche stars in a new drama on ABC, entitled Men in Trees.

It premiered last night, and I only know that because I watched the end of Dancing with the Stars.

(No, I'm not proud. I just thought I should be honest).

I assume ABC thought Dancing would get big ratings and wanted to give a push to Heche's show. Smart.

WOW. She has a really annoying voice. Combine that with scenes of her using a microphone, and I was ready to take a hit of Ecstasy and hightail it to the Fourth Dimension.

You remember that whole fiasco, don't you?

Well, here's a little refresher:

Anne was dating Ellen DeGeneres for three years.

The day the news broke that they had split, Anne was found roaming in a rural section of Fresno dazed and confused. And calling herself "Celestia." And looking for a spaceship that would take her to the Fourth Dimension.

She claims that she was told that in order to get on the spaceship she would need to take a hit of Ecstasy.

The woman went batshit crazy. It was like the day Robert Downey, Jr. was found sleeping in the bed of his neighbor's son.

Well, Anne wrote a book, appropriately entitled "Call Me Crazy." (Consider it done).

Fast forward several years, and Anne is married(to a man)and has a child. Or a few. (To be honest, I've lost interest in her private life).

Only time will tell how long this show lasts. It's been compared to Northern Exposure because it takes place in Alaska and has quirky characters. Although, it does not have John Corbett(when he was still hot), so there is a knock to it right off the bat.

I suppose if the ratings aren't that good(when it moves to its Friday night time slot), we can expect a guest appearance from Celestia.

Although I think its safe to say we shouldn't expect an appearance on Ellen's talk show.

Taste The Sad. And then The Happy.

Yes, it is fun to quote Arrested Development whenever possible. Thanks for asking.

First, The Sad: Brad Pitt hates me.

I can't quite figure out why.

I saw Ocean's 12, Brad! And didn't ask for a refund! Show some love.

So, he's claiming he will no longer be doing love scenes on camera. I would have no problem with this if there was a chance he would be doing them off camera. With me.

Damn you, Angie!

Brad, honey, I'm going to be straight with you. I live in Stamford, CT. I don't see celebrities on a daily basis(how fun would that be??). And I definitely don't see people that look like YOU on a daily basis(I would be dead by now).

So, show me some skin and stop talking about how becoming a father has changed you. It's sweet and all, but I really don't see this relationship lasting.

And one day you will not have the body you do now.

I know. It will be a dark day.

So, shake what you've got before I lose interest and hole up in my apartment watching the deleted scenes from Grey's Anatomy - Season 2.

Afterall, I did meet Ronald Miller before I met you and your southern accent in Thelma and Louise.

Now for The Happy: Season 2 of The Office comes out today. Run, don't walk!

I love this show. In an unhealthy way.

The 2nd season was really wonderful. It definitely stepped out from the shadow of the British version and found it's own voice.

And, I'm a sucker for a gag reel. Theirs is 17 minutes long.

And I'm hearing great things about the deleted scenes. Don't know how they can be better than what was aired, but I'm very curious.

But what I'm most excited to see is if it comes with a Jim Halpert you can keep for your very own.

Now, that would be a bonus feature.

I can cross Venice off my list

Any city that can give Ben Affleck a Best Actor award is off my list of "Places to see before I die." Or, "Places I want Patrick Dempsey to take me."

Suck it, Venice! Your film festival is dead to me.

I'd like to see the other nominees in the category. Also, who were the judges? Did they enjoy Gigli? That would speak volumes.

Maybe they are big fans of Jersey Girl and can't wait for the Director's Cut dvd(Kevin Smith, please don't!).

Oh, speaking of Jersey Girl, there is a video on the internet of Ben DRUNK OFF HIS ASS and molesting a Canadian reporter while promoting the film. What a dick.

Do a YouTube search. You can watch it in all it's drunken glory.

He is wasted. I mean, completely out of his mind. And he speaks in a very annoying French accent(Honey, please. Michael Vartan owns the accent).

And did I mention the molesting? It's disgusting to see a grown man act like that. Also, why didn't the camera people try to help the reporter? And why did it take this long for the video to surface?

I guess I can take solace in the fact that Hollywoodland tanked at the box office. I mean, The Covenant beat it(which my brothers saw and were not impressed with, btw).

But still....BEST ACTOR? I'm sure Damon had a nice laugh over that.

Right there with you, Matt.

Tears of a Firecrotch

Poor Linds.

I know I cry like that when someone steals my million dollar jewelry. Life is such a bitch!

Well, thankfully, her Hermes bag was found. No word, yet, on whether the jewelry was still in there.

I'm guessing the coke was long gone.

Why is Suri wearing a wig?

Is it some weird Scientology custom that all newborns must wear a hairpiece until their first birthday?

Does it just apply to girls? Firstborns?

Are the wigs made from L. Ron Hubbard's hair? Did aliens create them in the Scientology Center?

Why aren't THESE questions being asked?

And what about her eyes? Why does she look more like Chris Klein's daughter than Tom's?

These are pressing issues that need to be addressed!!!!

Where is Jules Asner to "reveal" the answers?

Oh my gosh, I've got it! Steve Kmetko needs to have the first sit down with Tom, Katie, and Suri.

Oh, Kmetko. Where the hell are you?

I miss those golden days of E! Entertainment.

Ahem.

And what about Katie? Was this photo shoot the first time she's seen Suri? What were her thoughts upon seeing the wig? Does she own the Dawson's Creek dvd collection?

So many questions that really matter. Why isn't anyone asking them?

I think its out of fear. People are afraid that Tom is going to lock them in his basement and make them watch Battleship Earth if they probe too deeply. Maybe they are right.

Wouldn't it be nice, though, to see a rogue reporter have the nerve to ask the tough questions? Perhaps plan an escape for Katie and Suri?

I hope there is someone out there who is willing to take the chance.

Or, at the very least, have the nerve to walk up to Suri and tug lightly on her hair.

I'm glad I stopped hating Gwen Stefani

Because I did for a while. She used to bug like crazy.

I can still remember her awkward acceptance speeches when No Doubt won awards at the VMAs. She acted like she was on crack.

And don't get me started on the bindi. Gwen, you grew up in SoCal. And wash the henna off your hands.

Even thinking about it now makes me hostile.

Of course, my biggest problem with Gwen(at the time)was that she was dating Gavin Rossdale. How could she? I claimed him for my own at the Meadows Music Theater in Hartford, CT. What a bitch!

But, that was.....1994/1995, and a lot has changed.

First of all, I realized I couldn't date someone with better hair than me. Your loss, Gavin!

Second, Gwen got her shit together and started speaking coherently in public.

Third, Gwen told Kathy Griffin she was a fan. I love anyone that appreciates The Griffin.

Fourth, Gwen and Gavin started showing up to award shows together, and even my bitter heart softened. They just looked so damn cute!

And, finally, Gwen gave birth to the adorable Kingston a few months ago. That boy is going to be a major heartbreaker.

So, congrats to the happy family. And congratulations to me for crossing someone off my Celebrity Hate List. It has become extremely difficult to manage, and every little bit helps.

Don't call it a comeback

My apologies to L.L. It's all Affleck's fault!

While doing press for his upcoming film, Hollywoodland, Ben said that he doesn't want to use the c-word(not that one, you sickos)in regards to the film.

Ben, honey, IT IS A COMEBACK. You are finally in a movie that people aren't laughing about, and the mere sight of you isn't causing people to roll their eyes and vomit on themselves.

Now, it wasn't too long ago that Ben had a respectable career and me as a fan. Chasing Amy? Check. Good Will Hunting? Check. Dogma? Check. Saw them, liked them, and thought he was good in them.

I was happy for him and his boyfriend, Matt, when they won the Oscar.

Hell, I even saw Daredevil. Like, paid money to see it in the theater. Granted, it was more due to the fact that I was an Alias fanatic and wanted to support Jennifer Garner, but still.

Then came Bennifer. And there went my patience.

I'm all for celebrity couples who flaunt their good looks and matching fake baked skin on a red carpet. I love that. I'd rather see who someone brings as their date then learn about who they are wearing.

But Bennifer was overkill. Between the lunches at The Ivy and the interview with Pat O'Brien(where they cooked, and everything! They were normal people, just like me! GAG!), I was seconds away from blowing my brains out. Or, at the very least, calling Kevin Smith and begging him to organize an intervention.

Then came the big breakup. YAWN. Did anyone really think these two lunatics would get married? I always had a feeling that Guadalupe, J.Lo's mom, wasn't happy with Ben's love of blackjack tables and strip clubs. Oh, c'mon Lupe! That's so endearing!

Now, this is where it gets interesting(or sad and disturbing). Suddenly, I'm hearing reports that Ben is visiting Jennifer Garner on the set of Elektra. Yes, Sydney Bristow is seen around town with Ben.....when I thought she was still dating Michael Vartan. EXCUSE ME?

Who gives up CIA agent Michael Vaughn for Daredevil? France vs. South Boston? Is she serious?

Well, Bennifer 2.0 has been married for a little over a year now, and they have a daughter named Violet.

Michael Vartan is still gorgeous and single, and in desperate need of my phone number.

I promise not to make you re-enact my favorite Alias scenes, Michael! But I will insist that you speak french and give me the inside scoop on working with Jennifer during Season 5(speaking of which, I found the blooper reel for Season 5 online this weekend. Michael's perpetual "Bitch, please!" look on his face spoke VOLUMES. Loved it!).

So, remember, if you see Hollywoodland, don't call it Ben's comeback.

But do continue to laugh at the rumor that he's wearing a rug. Heh.

Why does John Mayer hate me?

I've put up with his odd hair for years. YEARS.

I paid good money to see him in concert. Twice.

The first time, my sister and I saw him in Wallingford at this great little theater. It will always be Oakdale to me!

I think I had the flu, or some strain of something, because I remember wanting to die and not thinking I was going to make it. The show was really great, though, and I felt better a few songs into it.

The second time was in Hartford. It was during the week and there was a lot of traffic. And possibly gunfire. Or maybe just a lot of police cars. Maybe Jessica has a better memory of it.

What I know for sure is that it was 200 degrees with 1000% humidity. It was sticky and gross.

Counting Crows were also on the bill. I remember being grossed out(but not surprised)that Adam was barefoot on stage. He's one of those people(like Cameron Diaz)that just makes me want to scream, "You are filthy! Take a shower. Daily."

Anyway, it was a great show and John was a lot of fun.

Now, flash forward to August 2006 and the first rumblings that John is dating Jessica Simpson. HUH? WHAT? WAIT, WHAT? SERIOUSLY?

So, yesterday I read that John posted a message on his blog: http://www.johnmayer.com/blog#121

A rumor leaked(puhleeze)that he was finally posting about his relationship with the former Mrs. Nick Lachey.

And what we got was him dragging Public Enemy into it.

I doubt Chuck D. would have been happy. And if Flava had any brain cells left, I'm sure he would be pissed.

John, really. We know you are capable of dating women who are best known for their looks(Jennifer Love-Hewitt, anyone?), so this wouldn't be a real stretch. We also know that you and Jessica have new albums coming out, so pulling a straight Tom-and-Katie isn't out of the realm of possibilities.

Just promise me that this won't last long. You are a CT boy, so I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. I want to continue to support you without shame.

At least promise me that before it ends you will ask Jessica's BFF, Ken Paves, to give you a decent haircut.

Even by Connecticut standards, that is one hot mess.

Sunshine and hair sniffing

I finally saw Little Miss Sunshine yesterday. LOVED IT.

Great cast. Great story. Great acting. Hilarious ending.

My mother declared that she finally liked Steve Carell in something. And I thought Ebert was a tough critic.

Abigail Breslin is really wonderful as the little girl with big pageant dreams. I had forgotten that she was Mel Gibson's daughter in Signs. She was great in that, too. She is very charming and doesn't bug the way some child actors do.

Let's hope that she doesn't follow in the footsteps of Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan. Talk about a little girl lost.

Who would have thought that doing a remake of The Parent Trap would lead to La Lohan's partying and weight fluctuation? Not me. Maybe Dennis Quaid lead her down a dark path on set.

So, as I'm writing this, there is a really awful show on ABC that is (I think) supposed to make people want to watch Grey's Anatomy. Four Entertainment Weekly writers offer their take on the show's characters and storylines. It is beyond lame. I don't care what these people think. And there isn't enough Dempsey.

However, it does show me that Patrick is on the cover of their Fall Preview issue. Thank you. I will be buying it for that cover photo alone. Yowza.

As the season premiere draws near, I am finally starting to see commercials. There is a new preview up on a fan site, and it shows Derek and Meredith in an elevator (whores!). He is back to his hair sniffing ways.

After that exam room sex in the finale, she must have run to the nearest CVS and bought a family-size bottle of lavender conditioner. Smart girl.

Now, if we can just get Chris O'Donnell the hell out of Seattle, I'd be truly happy. Man, his character is boring. Yes, I'm biased, but what a snoozefest. I don't understand how he was cast for this role. He has no chemistry with Ellen Pompeo. Maybe he had chemistry with Doc the dog. Well, Doc is gone. See ya, O'Donnell.

And who the hell is named Finn? Please.

I've got your Emmy rant right here

You knew it was coming.

Let's begin:

Michael Scott was robbed!

Please. I'm over Tony Shaloub winning for Monk. Enough, already! That show is annoying. I loved you on Wings, Shaloub, and I have nothing against you personally, but Steve Carell deserved to win. Plain and simple.

Jeremy Piven. Nice speech. Using the term "fluffer" AND talking about your dad takes talent. I've never watched Entourage, but I hear he's very good. I was really hoping Will Arnett would win, but I'll overlook the ascot and give a heartfelt "congratulations."

Megan Mullally? NO! I used to love Will and Grace, but, like Friends, it stayed on two years too long. The show was horrible and so was the acting. They didn't want to be there anymore than I wanted to watch it.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but Jaime Pressly should have won. I wasn't a fan of hers until now, but she is absolutely hilarious as Joy on My Name is Earl. She owns that character.

I was completely happy with Kiefer's win. He was very humble and gracious. I like that. Anyone who dodges the bullet known as Julia Roberts deserves some type of recognition. Kudos to you, Sutherland!

Mariska Hargitay? Cool. I had no investment in the Best Lead Actress category, and she gave a nice speech. Plus, her husband is all kinds of cute. It was a nice excuse to cut to him.

Julia, Julia. You will always be Elaine to me. I tried giving your new show a try, but I can't get past the generic jokes. I would have liked to see you do the Elaine dance on stage, but that's fine. Cute speech.

Look, I like Blythe Danner as much as the next person. I overlook the fact that she is Gwyneth's mom and think she is a great actress. However, I was pulling for Jean Smart. She did an amazing job on 24. Her First Lady was a complete mess. Loved it.

Alan Alda. I never watched West Wing, and I really wanted Gregory Itzin to win, but congrats Hawkeye Pierce.

I LOVE THE OFFICE! I'm so glad it won. I like that everyone on stage, and in the audience, gave Ricky and Stephen a big hand. Well deserved, of course.

Did anyone else catch Mindy Kaling's dress slip? Yes, we had Nipplegate 2006. My brother is also convinced he has an Ellen Pompeo nipple slip on his camera. I think it came close, but don't think actual nipple was exposed.

I was thrilled that 24 won as well. What a great show. This past season was my first. Every episode was truly entertaining and had me on the edge of my seat. Very fun.

All-in-all I was happy with the winners. Would I have liked to have seen Lost nominated for major awards? Of course. For no other reason than to have a Matthew Fox sighting. Sigh.

Grey's bit it. Ouch! I'm glad Patrick was a presenter, because I don't think I saw him in his seat all night. That's just ridiculous. He was in a tux, camera people! Geez.

Finally, I just have to say how much I love Conan. The opening monologue wasn't phenomenal, but he's just so damn funny, I can overlook it. That hair is ridiculous. Loved the taped segments involving other shows. Very funny. That Dateline spoof was fantastic.

Here's hoping that next year is just as good. Maybe I'll even make my way inside. Krasinski...Dempsey....all you have to do is ask.

The Emmy's are worth a sunburn

And even though I reapplied lotion all day, that's what I got. I was sitting on the sun, afterall.

Kathy Griffin looks so great! That red hair was easy to spot in the sea of celebrities. She brought a soldier she met in Iraq. So cool. I wonder if he got lucky. She said she'd be giving it up later that night.....just like a prostitute. I love her. See you at the end of the month in Stamford, Kathy!

Did I mention how good Patrick looked? Right.

Steve Carell and his wife, Nancy, look fantastic. I love them. Nancy will be a regular on the show this season, I believe. Or, a semi-regular. Or the next Trudy Lange. Something like that.

I know some people don't like Steve Carell, or the fact that there is an American version of The Office, but I adore them both. I'm thrilled that he has found this level of success.

Hey, it's Ricky Gervais! And Stephen Merchant. The geniuses behind the original version of The Office are here. Brilliant.

It's Evangeline Lilly. No, she doesn't make me feel fat. Why do you ask? She looks gorgeous in her deep purple strapless gown. I feel like a huge pig and hate my outfit. Thanks, Evangeline! She came without Dominic. Maybe he was busy recording a new Driveshaft album.

Where the hell is Jason Bateman? I've seen Gob, Buster, George Sr., George Michael, Lindsay, and Lucille. Where is Michael Bluth? Is he doing a movie with Jennifer Garner? I believe he is. I'm blaming her for his absence. EW, Garner!

Jeremy Piven. Where do I begin? You are best friends with John Cusack, so I have to love you. I can only assume you are wearing that ascot as a test of my love. I HATE IT. And your hilights. But, you still endear me because you always bring your mom to award shows. You are a straight Kevin Spacey.

Hi, Sarah Chalke! I love Scrubs. It is one of the most underrated television series, EVER. You are fantastic on it. And you got to make out with Scott Foley for several episodes, so I'm jealous of you. I wish Scott were here now. Sigh.

I wish there was a special Emmy being given to the cast of Felicity. Maybe that's why Abrams is here. Where are Keri and Scott Speedman?

Hey, Denis Leary. I love Rescue Me. It's a great show about horrible people. Sometimes it's just a good show about horrible people, but that is okay. I would be happy if he or Kiefer win Best Actor. I just hope he doesn't mention anything about the Red Sox if he does win. That would make me sick.

At 4:30, someone started making announcements that the show was going to start soon and everyone should make their way inside. No one listened. People who were working that Red Carpet were not going to be swayed. They would put up with Billy Bush and Seacrest if it meant getting face time. What egos!

Those announcements start coming every five minutes and grow increasingly annoying. I really want to kill whoever is making them. Someone suggests that its Conan. No, ass, it isn't.

Finally! Zach Braff is here. I love you, Zach! Looking forward to The Last Kiss. I hope it's not too quirky. As I get older I have less patience for quirk in large doses. Keep it to a minimum.

I absolutely adore him on Scrubs. That whole cast is phenomenal. I want JD and Elliot to get back together. I wonder if Bill Lawrence will take my suggestion.

Wow. Wentworth Miller has arrived. He is too good looking. And he's really working that tux. I jump down to the 2nd row and snap a shot of him signing an autograph. He was really very sweet and signed a bunch of things for people. Some woman in the first section told him he was the best thing since chocolate cake. Very funny. And now I realize how hungry I am.

Well, we decided to end the day on a high note and I figured being two rows away from Wentworth Miller was it. It was time to leave my first Red Carpet and get back to the hotel before I turned into a pumpkin. Or was asked to clean the bleachers. Whichever.

It really was an unbelievably fun experience. So worth the overpriced airfare.

My skin is starting to peel. Gross. But I guess it was worth that, too.