Brad and George are easing me off the bridge

If you are a Yankee fan (and by that I mean a TRUE YANKEE FAN, not someone who occassionaly watches games if she isn't busy watching The Style Network or going for a run along the Inner Harbor) then you know it's been a frustrating year. Injuries, A-Rod's inability to be clutch, and Derek's continued dependency on the 'fade' hairstyle have made this one of the more disasterous seasons in recent memory.

*I'd like to see how sloppy and sluggish they would play if threatened with reveals of their sexuality, steroid usage, or infidelities.*

As the Yanks prepare to salvage the ounce of dignity I'm hoping they still possess and win ONE GAME against the hated and quite horrific-looking Red Sox this afternoon, I take comfort in knowing that Brad Pitt and George Clooney are doing their best to comfort me in my time of need.

How are they doing this, you might ask? Sending flowers, tubs of Ben and Jerry's, and videotaped messages assuring me that all we be well in the Bronx? Well, if they were really caring and good celebrities, they would. But, since they are mere mortals, I'll have to rely on their ability to look good in a tux. And they do.

Both men showed up on their red carpet date for their new film Burn After Reading at the Venice Film Festival looking quite dashing in their black bowties. Way to co-ordinate, boys. The film stars George, Brad, Tilda Swinton, John Malkovich, and the always awesome Frances McDormand. It is the Coen Brothers follow-up to their Award-winning No Country for Old Men, and though I do hope the film does well for the actors involved, I have issues with the Coen Brothers and how put out they appeared at the Oscars. If you don't like receiving awards or don't feel it's a big deal, then DON'T SHOW UP. Save your stank attitude for your living rooms and spare me, okay?

The film opens next month....the same time the Yankees could find themselves out of the playoffs since I was young and ambitious. 14 years ago.

Brit and her weave will not be performing at VMAs

Remember that train wreck from last year? The vacant eyes, the inability to lip sync, the horrendous weave, the ridiculous outfit?

I remember sitting in stunned silence while Brit tried to strut her medicated stuff around the smallest amount of stage as possible. Remember when they cut to Rihanna, and she was like, "Who slipped me a roofie, because this can't be real!" I know, RiRi. It was wild!

Fast forward to a year later. Brit has a (slightly) better weave, she's dropped Sam Lufti and Adnan from her cellphone address book, she's working out, smiling, hanging with her kids, listening to her dad, recording in the studio, and looks like she could form a sentence without the use of flash cards. Oh, and she guested on How I Met Your Mother, but I feel the less we talk about that, the better (you know that's what NPH thinks, too).

Although Brit has come a long way, she will not be unveiling a coherent version of herself at this year's VMAs. Larry Rudolph, who must be thrilled to have her back under his wing (cha ching!), had one of his reps (these people need to get over themselves) announce that there was never a plan to have Brit perform.

Uh huh.

Perhaps she will attend, though. Kim Vo, her stylist, (who looks like a toned-down version of Season 1 Project Runway designer Austin Scarlett) said he was working on a few new looks for her.

KIM, PLEASE GET HER A DECENT WEAVE.

That would be a red carpet look no one could forget.

Another Monday, another episode with 'tude

Well, it looks like Lauren gets $1.4 million per season of being filmed, and I get zero per season of recapping. Hey, you can't win them all, now can you?

Whitney seems to be going for more of a casual surfer girl look. Or Lauren's old bathing habits are rubbing off on her and she just isn't showering properly.

The lighting at Don Pablo's isn't doing Heidi any favors over dinner. Neither does that awful blue eye shadow. She used to be so cute and fresh faced. But that was seasons ago now.

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the bitchiest roommate of them all?? It's getting tougher and tougher to tell.

Happy birthday Stephanie. Now it's time to stop tanning.

Wow, Spencer busted out an international political analogy. It made me feel funny.

Honestly I think one of the best parts of tonight's half hour was the commercial for the new season of ABC Family's show "Greek." If you haven't caught it yet, you're doing yourself a disservice.

Hurry, change the channel before the After Show freaks come on the screen!

****Please note the dig in the first sentence about not being paid for recaps. Someone wants a smack.****

Was he conceived at Zuma Beach?

Let's go with that.

Gwen finally popped out a child yesterday, a baby boy, that she and Gavin named Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale. I believe that their first son, Kingston, was conceived in Jamaica, so maybe they are just following the tradition of Ron Howard and his wife in naming their kids after where they were conceived.

Can't you just see the 90210-esque high school that will one day be filled with Shiloh, Suri, Violet, Kingston and all of their siblings? Lots of drama queens for sure. They'll still have nothing on Brenda Walsh!

Hugs, kisses, and Harajuku girls to the happy family.

Oh, and did anyone else see the pics of little Kingston hanging with Britney and her sons while Gwen was giving birth? What? Who knew?

Oh, Hollywood.

Love is a many splendered thing

I guess.

Some new celebrity couples to report:

First up, we have David Cross and Amber Tamblyn. David played the wonderful Never Nude, Tobias Funke, on the brilliant Arrested Development. Amber played Emily Quartermaine on General Hospital, the lead character in Joan of Arcadia, and Tibby in both Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movies.

David is 43 and Amber 24.

On a side note, you know Amber can't stand Blake Lively. Just a feeling I have.

Another new couple is Tom Green and Winona Ryder. Both are offbeat and currently looking for where they left their careers.

I wonder if Wino ever misses Johnny Depp.

Best of luck to the happy couples!

Coincidence? I think not.

A beautiful day. Sunshine. Low humidity. Not a typical August day in the Northeast AT ALL.

(Hi, Global Warming! Get a cocktail and pull up a chair. Put up your feet. You seem to be here to stay.)

Perfect weather on a day when two entertainment sites (Lainey Gossip and Perez Hilton) report that Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams are, indeed, back together.

Best of luck for a 2nd time. They really are just too cute together.

Power Side Ponytail

A new season of The Hills? Already? Ugh.

Luckily, we have Recapper Jessica to help us maneuver through the eyerolls, blank stares, boob jobs, and side swept bangs that make this show the best fake reality on television. On with the recap of the season premiere:

I'm dedicating this, the first recap of the new season of The Hills, to Lo's power side ponytail. Clearly it was this 'do that gave Lo the nerve to cross enemy lines, the backyard pool, and confront Audrina about their friendship woes.

But wait, this was the final scene of tonight's episode. Let's go back a bit.

Lauren apparently "randomly" ran into an old prom date of hers, Doug, after several years of losing touch. I'm sure this guy had no idea about her whereabouts. She's so hard to track down these days. The two go on a date, and YOWZA it was awkward to watch. But aren't all dates on The Hills awkward? There was alot of silent smiling and boring conversation. Check, please.

I don't know how much I can talk about Spencer and the return of his flesh colored beard. Besides his disastrous facial hair, his behavior towards Heidi's sister was ridiculous enough to have everyone question what Heidi sees in him (for the 1000th time). At least Heidi gave her sis, Holly, some extensions before she sent her on her way back to Colorado. After all, a mean, rude, unwelcoming potential brother-in-law is easier to handle when you have longer hair.

Didn't it seem weird when Frankie showed up to Audrina's birthday party with Doug instead of Brody? What was Brody so busy doing that he couldn't bust out his coordinating Laker jersey for his BFF?

Thanks to the person who decided the zoom in on Audrina's new boobs was a necessary part of the episode. Inappropriate!

I didn't think it was possible, but I'm pretty sure that Lauren was out-bitched by Lo at the party. I'd seen glimpses of this from Lo before, but I didn't think the twig actually had it in her.

As a final note, I'd like to give a big thumbs down to MTV for their ridiculously long commercial breaks during this ep. The first one was about 10 minutes long, and the last one featured an extended look at the movie "The House Bunny." Those are minutes I can't get back MTV. Don't let it happen again.

There is too much going on right now

The Hills premiere!

J.Lo training for a triathlon!

Ellen and Portia getting married!

Maddie turning 50! But looking 65!

Michael Phelps wowing me with his skillz!

I'm exhausted.

Did I mention J.Lo is training for a triathlon? What?

Tom Cruise's wacky height

I thought Katie was taller than he was (without heels)?

Saw pics today of him walking her to rehearsal (the bodyguard he has watching her 24/7 must have had the day off) and Tommy appears to be slightly taller. Huh.

Lifts, anyone?

I wish Katie would grab Suri and get the hell out from under Tom's watchful eye and get back to the Creek. She was so young and fresh-faced way back when. Now she looks like she's in her late 40s and auditioning for a Peter Pan remake.

Tom's dream of turning her into a boy lives on!

The Big O in Denver

Oprah and Gayle, the original Samantha and Lindsay, will be in Denver at the end of the month for the Democratic National Convention.

How sweet.

Gayle told Entertainment Tonight that Oprah has no plans to introduce Barack Obama, and doubts that she would be asked to do so.

Poor Oprah fans are probably crying on their dog-eared copies of her magazine over this news. You know they want to see their fearless leader up on stage with Obama.

Simmer down, Oprah fans.

Gayle will also be broadcasting her satellite radio show from Denver starting August 25th. I think Lindsay should be a guest.

Maniston calls it quits

People is reporting that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are over.

Well, that was a nice summer fling, wasn't it? A little longer, actually, as they began dating in April.

Was it John's numerous arm tattoos that sent Jen over the edge? Was Jen being "clingy?" Was John just looking for new material for his Laugh Factory gigs?

Whatever. They both annoy.

More importantly, Michael Phelps is making me tune into the Olympics. Love him!

M-E-O-W

Carrie Underwood has her claws out.

Why so catty?

Well, it seems her ex, Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo, still calls Carrie. A lot. And sometimes when he calls, Carrie lets it go to voicemail. Oh, snap.

Tony is currently dating Jessica Simpson. Carrie knows this. That is why admitting this in a magazine is rather bold. Of course, maybe not everyone reads US Weekly.

Certainly not Joe Simpson.

I'm sure he doesn't pull a Dina Lohan every morning and read through the newspapers looking for any news items about his daughters. Or himself. I'm sure he's never even heard of US Weekly.

That sound you hear is Jessica screaming at Tony.

Donna Martin says "Oh hell, no!"

Last month, it was reported that bad breast job recipient Tori Spelling was dropping out of the new 90210 because she just had her 2nd child. She said that she was hoping to pop up later in the season.

Well, turns out that money is the real reason. Check it: Tori was offered $10,000-$20,000/episode, but Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth were offered $35,000-$50,000/episode. Ouch!

I can see feeling slighted, but Donna was a third wheel, let's not lie. I mean, it was Brenda and Kelly fighting over Dylan, remember? Oh, and when Dean Cain got involved in that mess? Rick, you were caught in the middle of some crazy nonsense! You shouldn't have fallen for Brenda's lame French accent. And those bangs! Wasn't she wearing headbands? Not a good look. Remember when Brenda discovered that Kelly and Dylan were seeing each other naked in the cabanas at the BH Beach Club? Extend those claws, ladies.

I guess Tori is embarrassed, but shouldn't she already feel embarrassed because of that lame Oxygen show with her nasty husband? Or how she got screwed out of millions in her father's will? Poor Tori.

Should the CW take pity on her? Maybe. All I know is that Dawn Ostroff, the head of the CW, has her ass on the line. The CW is under performing as a whole, and this new series is looked at as a glimmer of hope.

I'd update that resume, Dawn.

Maddox turns 7

I had a baby brother for my 7th birthday. Not actually on my birthday, but three months prior. It was so great!

Did I mention that he once rolled off a bed while under my care?

I honestly don't remember what I got for my birthday that year, but I'm sure it did not squelch the deep-ceded bitterness and resentment I felt for having a baby all up in my face after 7 years of alone time.

Did I mention we also had to give my cat away to family friends because we thought my brother was allergic to it? I'll never forget you, Crayon!

Anyway, Maddox Jolie-Pitt had a much more interesting birthday yesterday with his hot dad/my future husband, William Bradley Pitt. The two went to a go-kart track in the South of France and burned rubber. Or whatever go karts do. Safety first, boys! Wear your helmets.

Angie was back at the mansion with their 5 other children, desperate for a drink and some quiet. Just a guess.

Michelle Tanner gets a subpoena

DJ is the only one coming out of Full House unscathed. Good for you, Candace Cameron!

Mary-Kate Olsen has been given a subpoena by the DEA office in NY. That stands for the Drug Enforcement Administration, y'all. Not good. Not good at all.

This stems from the untimely death of Heath Ledger and his association with MK. The DEA thinks MK knows more than she is telling. And I still think it is beyond shady that Heath's masseuse called MK 3 times before calling 911 when she found Heath unconscious in his NY apartment. Does MK have healing powers? Is she, like David Lee Roth, EMS-trained? Please.

And to shovel more shade onto this whole situation, MK has apparently said she will only talk if she is granted immunity. Immunity from what, sweet pea?

Notice how Ashley has not been spending much time with her sister lately? Something smells bad, and it's not just because the ladies love wearing long black clothing on hot LA days.

UPDATE: MK will not have to testify afterall, as the case has been closed. Uh huh. S-H-A-D-Y.

Anderson Cooper has claws

And I hope he never retracts them!

Andy was filling in for Regis on Regis & Kelly this morning and the discussion turned to reality shows. Living Lohan was mentioned. Andy came out swinging, saying that Ali is "supposed to be 14 but really she's more like 60."

HISS and MEOW.

Speak your mind, you cute closet case!

I mean, it's not like he's saying something opposing what we are all thinking. Ali Lohan has hit the wall. At 14. Ouch! Sad, but true. And Andy knows it!

I wonder if he's watching Brooke Knows Best or Keeping Up With the Kardashians? You know he has opinions on those trannies.

Jennifer Aniston must be thrilled

Why?

Because she's dating John Mayer? HA! Would you be thrilled to be dating an a**hole? You would? Well, then you and Jen both need therapy. I mean, have you seen his tattoo arm? John, you're from Fairfield, CT. Just stop with the nonsense already.

Maybe it's for the best that Jen has John in her life, because she's going to need some comforting now that the Jolie-Pitt twins are gracing the cover of this week's People. And those kids are cute. Super-cute even. And don't say that Jen has so much going on in her life (shopping, dating an a**hole) that she doesn't have time for People or their covers and doesn't know when she'd even be near a newsstand.

You know that Courtney Cox-Arquette is on alert and probably going around to all of the Whole Foods in the LA area and buying every last copy so that poor, fragile Jen won't have to see those gorgeous babies and Brad and Ange looking happy and content. Code Red, Courtney. Code Red.

People and OK! Magazine partnered up and shelled out 14 million for the pics. All of the kids are present and accounted for, and Angie looks way too thin to have just had two children ripped from her womb (gross, I know. That's why I can't have children...well, that and not liking them). Brad looks good. Like, amazingly good. Better than he ever looked with Gwyneth or Jennifer. Sorry ladies, it's true.

People is out now. Buy it before Courtney does.

Miss Golden Globe announced

How much money did Bruce and Demi have to pay for this?

Their gorgeous offspring, Rumer Willis, will be Miss Golden Globe for the ceremony to be held in January of next year. GAH.

Rumer was supposed to Globe this past January, but the Writer's Strike forced the ceremony to be scaled back....to practically non-existent. No need for Rumer to direct traffic on stage because there was no stage. Or was there? I think random people announced the winners, including a bunch of hosts from the entertainment news shows. Oh, gosh. Now it's coming back to me: Mary Hart screaming about how excited she was to be there.

The thought of Rumer on stage almost makes me want SAG to strike.

Kidding! Stop with the strike talk. I need a full season of Jim and Pam.