Jamie Lynn to pop out a girl

Let's hope she doesn't take after Aunt Brit Brit.

Life & Style is reporting that Zoey 101 herself, Jamie Lynn Spears, is having a girl and is due on Mary Kennedy-Hall's birthday, June 29th. Officer Trudy Lange shares her special day with no one! Induce labor if need be, because Trudy has a prop gun and isn't afraid to use it! (Hmm....conflicting reports have it as June 28th...time will tell).

Best of luck to the young mother and her boyfriend, Casey Aldridge. Best of luck to me to keep sane after realizing that I didn't need to look up his last name. Seriously, it is sad that I know this guy's name.

I'm going to go drown my sorrows in Red Bull and Cheetos. Later, y'all!

Brace yourself for The Hills

Thanks to recapper, Jessica, who will be blessed with a visit from our father this weekend. If you are in the Baltimore area, expect to hear raised voices at various times. Also, stay away from car dealerships, as no one is safe when Mike is wheeling and dealing.

And don't let her fool you, she LOVES Danity Kane.

Technical glitches are not bogging us down this week, so, without further ado, here is your weekly dose of "reality" from LC and the gang:

This episode of The Hills starts by making me feel inferior since there's a 90% chance that I'll never in my life live in a house as nice as the one the girls are moving into. Jealousy! I like how Lauren and Lo banish Audrina to the guest house immediately. Yeah they have a guest house. Even more jealousy! It's like '"we want to live with you...as long as you sleep on the other side of the backyard."

Excuse me, I believe Lo ordered a LARGE cappuccino.

How many times can Spencer and his sis have the same conversation about family loyalty? Yawnfest 2008.

All this talk of Stephen showing his face is bringing Hilary Duff's sweet tunes to mind. Let the rain fall down......

Even though I'm not a huge fan of the song, I totally know all the words to the Danity Kane single that brings us back from the commercial break. Diddy has done it yet again.

I love to picture Brody wandering the aisles of Bed Bath & Beyond looking for that perfect housewarming present. Actually, his "manager" Frankie probably got it from some cheesy event and they just re-gifted it.

At the party, Justin Bobby looks like a runaway Mad Max extra.

Look at Lauren showing all kinds of leg for her "date" with Stephen. She definitely thinks it a date, but does he?

I can't shake the feeling that Stephen will say goodnight to Lauren and then call Kristin on his cell phone as he drives away to ask her to hang out. I guess I'm just stuck in a Laguna state of mind.

As a final note, what is this awful show The Paper that comes on after Hills? I guess it follows a high school paper and the drama that ensues. I'm not really sure. Regardless, is this the best MTV could come up with???

Put some clothes on, Ms. Miley Cyrus

There is a big controversy brewing because of her Vanity Fair photo where she only has a sheet covering her breasts. Annie Leibovitz, please save us from this lazy photography in the future. Thanks, The Universe.

I'm so tired of this shot, or any shot of a young actress/singer/woman draped in a sheet with a come hither look on her face. Stop it, already. And stop taking 15-year-olds and turning them into Lolitas for the sake of a magazine. The only people you are making happy are the pervs that Chris Hanson is tirelessly trying to put behind bars. They love that crap.

You know what else I'm tired of? Children becoming celebrities and than having an identity crisis by the time they are teenagers. No one, regardless of level of talent, should be allowed to perform in their chosen profession until they are 18. Let them live their lives like everyone else and then work to achieve their dreams after high school. I did it and look how happy and well-adjusted I am!

Fine. I am a horrible example, but if letting young women live a normal life and keeping them out of the spotlight until they are adults keeps me from having to see pictures of them half-naked in Vanity Fair, it is worth it. You know how cranky I can be.

I mean, have we learned nothing from Jessica Biel and Britney Spears? Both wanted to shed their "good girl" image and ended up dating Justin. Well, there goes my argument. It's all Justin's fault.

Julia Roberts stinks

And not just because of that annoying laugh, or her friendship with Oprah, or her inability to give an interesting interview.

She stinks because she doesn't wear deoderant. For reals, yo. She claims "it's never been my thing." What the? With the what what?

Jules, everyone needs deoderant. I don't care if you think your sh** doesn't stink, your underarms do. I mean, really. And she has been known not to shave those underarms, so I can only imagine that she is ripe while filming a movie in the summer. I went to Emerson College and I know from ripe. Being liberal doesn't mean you don't have to bathe, people! Mixing soap and water while in the shower doesn't mean you support The Man! And dousing yourself with Patchouli oil doesn't cut it, either. You still stink. Now just of Patchouli oil.

Where was I?

Annoyed by Julia Roberts, right? Right. Just another Thursday in my life.

Truth and time will tell

Justin Bobby is right, y'all! I think. I don't know.

What I do know is that The Hills correspondent, Jessica, did write a recap for this past Monday's extravaganza. For whatever reason, it didn't get to me. Is technology on it's way out, as my father believes? Probably just a glitch in a budget system here at work.

Well, I retract (or redact, as Michael Scott would say) my heated words at recapper Jessica. Although, she does act stank a lot of the time. And likes to use ALL CAPS to illustrate that point.

Without further ado, here is a heaping helping of The Hills:


After missing last week's ep, it's good to be back. Let's get going...

How cute is Lauren's dress? Alot cuter than Whitney's unwashed hair. Whit doesn't look bad very often, so when she does it's very noticeable.

Oh Audrina, stop complaining that you don't have any clothes to wear out. We all know you barely wear any actual clothes when you get dressed anyway.

Meanwhile, as Heidi's busy picking out an outfit, she pulls out one atrocious article of clothing after another. Does she moonlight as a stripper? Is asking that insulting to strippers?

Don't actual celebrities go to Goa? I wonder how that works with having the MTV cams there to capture all the uncomfortable conversation going on between the Hills girls.

The only person that can up the uncomfortable factor is Zorro. Oh sorry, that's actually Justin Bobby. Nice hat there buddy.

Lo has a job?!? I can only imagine what she clocks in to do each day.

Justin Bobby keeps showing off his "scary eyes" at dinner with Audrina. You know what I'm talking about? Those looks are frightening. He looks possessed.

As Audrina talks about Heidi, it isn't very hard to imagine Lauren chucking that half of a grapefruit at her head.

I really don't think I can watch any more Speidi convo's. Someone make them stop the madness.

I smell a roommate throwdown brewing! Lo won't remember what day of the week is garbage pick-up. Audrina's dirty boys won't clean up after themselves. And Lauren will be too busy designing her fashion line to notice what's going on.

Next week we get some quality time with Stephen. (That's Ste-phen to all you Team Kristin members). I'm excited for a little Laguna throwback. See you then!

Someone is being stank

And her name is The Hills recapper, Jessica. Apparently she is too good for this little ole' blog. Where is my recap, Kimora Lee Simmons? Are you too busy with your fabulosity? Simmer down, sister, and get those fingers typing. I want to hear what I missed while finally watching Thursday's episode of Scrubs (which, btw, was hysterical. JD and Turk are so incredibly gay for each other and I hope that they come out in the finale, which will be on ABC next season. Recognize!).

Ahem.

So, while we wait with bated breath for the adventures of Justin Bobby, let us look at the fact that Ms. Paula Abdul wants to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars next season. Oh, good gracious. Pop a Vicodin and grab a Cosmo, because that would be one hot mess. I don't think Tom Bergeron is up for the challenge of having that loon on his stage. Can you imagine Samantha Harris trying to interview Paula after a performance? Her weave would be crooked and she'd have a handful of pills she'd be desperate to swallow. Appointment television, everyone!

Does this mean P.Ab is tired of Simon, Randy, and the Queen? Has she heard one too many "WTF is Paula on" jokes? She couldn't possibly do both shows, unless they space their seasons out. I think I will space out for a few minutes and think of the possibilities of Paula with Louie Van Amstel. Hot! Although, since Paula used to be a choreographer, wouldn't that give her an unfair advantage? Imagine the cat fights with Louie over whether to do a lift? I would want a live feed of those rehearsals.

Oh, the mind boggles.

L. Ron Hubbard allows Tom to take Katie out

Katie and Tom attended another birthday party for Vicki Beckham last night. We get it, Vicks! It's your birthday. Sheeesh. I hope she donated the gifts she received. Or, you know, maybe told people not to get her gifts. What could she possibly need? She doesn't eat, her husband is hot, her kids are adorable, she has way too much money....I'm getting annoyed. Back to Katie, STAT!

K.Ho wore a huge pair of sunglasses (at night). Was it an homage to Corey Hart? I used to love him. Wonder where he is...hmmmm....probably living a life of freedom that Katie can only daydream about.

The glasses remind me of the ones that older woman wore in the Old Navy ads years ago. Well, Katie is looking older than her years lately. Maybe Tom demands she wears them because the sunglasses he has make her look like a man. You never know what that closet case can afford to buy! He's got the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard on his side.

That ghost makes things happen. Scary things.

All hail Liz Lemon

Today is a snark-free day. These are rare around here.

I adore Tina Fey and love the photoshoot she did for Entertainment Weekly.

30 Rock airs tonight at 8:30 on NBC. Watch it, damnit!

Do drug addicts like ulimatums?

I don't. Of course, the only drug I'm addicted to is LIFE. HA!

But seriously, folks, it's time for Ms. Amy Winehouse to put down the pipe and hold on to her beehive. Her record label, Universal, said she needs to get it together or they will not be releasing her next record. Oh, S-N-A-P! How can she pay for crack without royalties?

Amy is currently working on the theme to the next James Bond film, Quantum of Solace with DJ Mark Ronson. Mark used to be engaged to my favorite comedic actress on the planet, Rashida Jones. Remember how funny she was on The Office when she...umm...when she did that thing...oh, right, SHE WAS NEVER FUNNY ON THE OFFICE. Enjoy Utica, Karen!

Best of luck to you, Amy. I know you are busy with the drugs, downing shots while holding babies, and visiting your Blake in the pokey, but find the time for some detox, girl. And get that skin condition under wraps. Nasty.

Try to pull yourselves together

The Hills recap is not here today, friends. Or friend. Who is reading this?

Anyway, recapper extraordinaire, Jessica, is living the life of a socialite in San Diego and couldn't get her lazy/drunk ass motivated enough to write a review while on vacation. Put down the cosmo and get thee to a laptop, diva! Recaps wait for no one!

Well, actually they do. I was watching the Yankee game and forget this mess was on. Besides, I just read that Justin Bobby is dragging his non-showered body back next week. That will be the episode to watch! Clear your calendar and shut off your phone! Then OD on whatever you have in the house because you know you will feel guilty for having watched that nastiness voluntarily. It's going to be a busy Monday.

Oh, also, Ashlee and Pete are denying reports that Ash is with child. Yawn. The real bump watch continues to be Nicki Kidman. She accompanied Keith to the Country Music Awards, and I LOOK MORE PREGNANT THAN SHE DOES. What the hell? Methinks something is not right in the Land of Pale Ex's of Tommy C.

Kathy, step away from the scrub

Kathy Griffin was seen shopping with Britney's ex, Adnan Ghalib, in Victoria's Secret. Ew. He looks like the kind of guy who would hang around the dressing rooms trying to sneak a peek.

I'm assuming this was either for her My Life on the D-List series, or for that lame-ass Ashton Kutcher show, Pop Fiction. I would hope Kathy would have the good sense not to hang with trash unless it was for a publicity stunt. Work that camera, girl!

I love Kathy. She really can do no wrong. Sure, she is a Celine Dion fan, but I look the other way and blast U2 so I don't have to think about it too hard. I mean, she is a gay icon and Celine is a gay icon so it does make sense. Also, Kathy knows how wacked out of her mind Celine is. There really is no hiding it.

I hope Kathy took a Silkwood scrub down when she returned home. That guy really looks like a walking STD. The Male Paris, if you will.

File this under "W"

For "Who cares?"

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are engaged. *Yawn* *Stretch* Oh, wait. What? Just dozed off.

Pete popped the question while he and Ash combed each other's hair. Or attended his brother's art exhibit in Colorado. Choose which answer you like better.

The couple released an unintentionally (I think) hilarious statement yesterday that started off by saying "We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I." HA! No, really. HAHAHAHA. Oh, that is priceless.

They go on to say they wanted their fans to be the first to know. Well, sure. That is what most couples want when they first get engaged. If I ever do, I am taking out a full-page ad in Variety and John Krasinski and I will thank all of our fans for their love and support of our bliss.

And he will definitely be paying, as I'm sure a full-page ad is expensive. Save that Office money, honey!

I wonder how Jessica took the news. I bet she made Ken Paves take her out for cocktails and a new weave from his collection, as good girlfriends do. Chin up, Jessica.

He's fooling no one

Ryan Seacrest has been spotted with Australian actress Sophie Monk over the past few weeks.

Uh huh. Beard!

Sophie was engaged to Benji Madden until a few months ago. Benji is currently seeing how many STDs a body can withstand while he dates Paris Hilton and trots her all over the globe with his band, Good Charlotte. Benji is the brother of Joel Madden(also in the band), who knocked up skeletal Nicole Ritchie and watched her gain a few pounds over 9 months until she popped out baby Harlow.

This is exhausting. I need a frap with extra chocolate, STAT!

So back to Seacrest. Can people ever go on dates to places that aren't paparazzi hangouts? I guess attempting to prove you like the ladies is a full-time job that means only the most well-known restaurants. What's the point of inviting her to your house if you are only planning to pull out your Brad Pitt dvd collection and discuss whether his hair looks better long or short? That could easily be discussed (in hushed whispers) over candlelight at Nobu.

Just remind Sophie to occasionally reach across the table and hold your hand for effect.

The Hills

*Another Monday means another hour of losing your brain cells thanks to LC, Audrina, Lo, Heidi, and the rest of the gang. Recapper Jessica makes sense of what we saw while our IQs lowered in intervals of 20.*

Another hour of Hills goodness begins as Lauren invites She-Pratt out for her bday celebration. I can't help but notice that Lauren's hair looks freshly cut and super clean. Maybe this will be the year she starts off clean, and keeps herself that way.

"So...are we dating?" Spencer one ups himself on the dork-o-meter with this one. I didn't think it could be done.

I'm just gonna throw this out there: I WANT TO PARTY WITH LO.

Now, I have two brothers and spent many years living with them, so I can totally understand why Spencer's sis is getting so annoyed with him. What I can't understand is how she didn't punch him in his face when he asked her to clean up after his dirty ass when he's making a mess in HER apartment. I'm sure she's a scrappy fighter and he doesn't look like he's been hitting the gym hard.

Whitney looks like a soccer mom, so it's no surprise that she dances like one.

I love how Lo and Audrina are talking smack on Lauren and Stephanie's friendship but covering it up with smiles, all while sitting a total of 5 feet away from them. That's actually the most real thing I've seen on this show.

It's about to go down! The Bolthouse Mole has started spreading the word about Stephanie rubbing elbows with Lauren.

I can barely see Brody's face because his gigantic ring is taking up most of the screen. Did he get that thing out of a cereal box?

I can't believe Spencer made his sister cry. Well, I can believe it because he's Spencer. What an idiot.

Do you buy that Heidi doesn't want to be Lauren's friend? I think she'd go back to laying poolside with LC in a heartbeat if she had the chance.

Oh, Lauren, why can't you just be happy with your cushy internship? She has those dagger eyes out after hearing Whit talk about her new gig. I've finally put my finger on who Whitney's new boss Kelly looks like: an escaped mental patient.

Awk-ward. That describes the Heidi-Audrina convo at the club. Between Heidi's stammering and Audrina's blank stares, I didn't know where that was going to lead.

Audrina, open your eyes! It's like her defense mechanism against being called out by Lauren is closing her eyes. She can still see you, you didn't turn invisible or anything.

I really want Lauren to walk in while Heidi is in the apartment picking up her stuff. No such luck. Instead, we get some meaningless chit chat between Heidi and Audrina and yet another reminder from Heidi that the two should hang out sometime. I think Audrina gets the point by now. Although, she does seem kind of slow.

That's it for tonight. Justin Bobby, where are you to make sense of it all???

*I suspect JB is stoned out of his mind on some beach, but that's just a quick guess.*

There's something about Cameron

And for the life of me, I can't figure it out.

She's got her claws in Gerard Butler, and I don't like it. That guy is attractive. And has an accent. Cam's been with Cris Angel! She doesn't deserve to trade up like that!

She's got an annoying laugh, she loves to burp in public(actually, who doesn't?), she's got the kind of skin that takes me back to my days in high school, she's got stringy hair, she always looks high. Hmmm....Maybe Gerard likes to puff, puff, pass. Is that why he did Nim's Island?

Oh, Gerard. This is very upsetting. Of course, maybe this is your fate after choosing to do P.S. I Love You. Something to think about it.

Mediocre reviews and a lemon face

Two things that the movie Leatherheads has going against it. I mean, seriously, Zellwegger, where are your eyes? Stop sucking on lemons in between takes.

Fine, fine. I thought you were good as Bridget Jones(when you were a normal weight!).

What the film does have going for it are its two leading men: George Clooney and John Krasinski. And, yes, I'm biased because I love them both, and, yes, it just so happens to be playing at a theater 5 minutes away from my apartment, but I am spending my hard-earned(?) dollars and going to see it this weekend.

I mean, I sat through the crap-fest known as License to Wed for a Krasinski fix. I'll do it again. And at least this film doesn't have Robin Williams chewing scenery like Britney chews gum: grotesquely.

May even be seeing it tonight if the Yankee game is rained out. Unless, of course, I fall asleep on the couch like the 95-year-old woman I turn into on Friday night. It happens, kids! Getting old blows.

Listen up, lambs!

Mariah was in London causing all sorts of havoc yesterday. The Brits love their Mimi. Their crazy, rainbow-chasing, sunglasses-at-night-wearing, exercising-in-heels Mimi.

She arrived at Selfridges in a taxi adorned with a picture of herself. Ego! Over 250 fans camped out overnight to meet with her as she promotes her new album. "Touch My Body" is lame. Too generic for Mariah. It left me wretching before my first listen was complete. Next!

Of course, being a Diva, Ms. M had to keep the fans waiting for 45 minutes while she got her hair did(the same style she has had since the 90s)and her makeup poured on. Was Carmindy from What Not To Wear in town? I feel like she would tell Mariah to ease up on the pink lip gloss.

My favorite report was that anyone wanting to snap a picture of Her Royal Crazy could only do so from her right side. Apparently, the left side of Mimi's face is hideously deformed. I want to get confirmation from Derek Jeter, but he won't return my calls. Rude!

E=MC2 drops on Tax Day. Such a clever title! Sorry, Mimi, but Uncle Sam has my number this year. Oh, wait. I don't own any of your albums. Nevermind.

He's up to 100 problems

And Beyonce's one. Hit me!

Well, it looks like Beyonce has gotten the better of Jay-Z. The couple, together since 2002, took out a marriage license in Scarsdale, NY on Tuesday. (Remember the musical "Scarsdale Surprise" from Seinfeld? It won a Tony!)

The license is valid for 60 days, so you know Tina Knowles is hard at work designing the most hideous wedding gown for B that you have ever seen. I'm imagining a lot of puff, lace, and bad taste. With a weave to match, of course! I wish Tim Gunn could drop by and reign her in, but I wouldn't want to put him through that. He'd probably need to be hospitalized after wading through all of the taffeta.

Who will be in the wedding party? Solange, of course. Michelle and Kelly? Linkin Park will stand up for Jay, I'm sure. What about Kanye? He feels the need to be included in everything that happens IN THE WORLD AT EVERY MINUTE. You don't want him pounding on the church door trying to get in. He loves the drama of making a scene.

Best of luck to the happy(?) couple. I'm sure they'll write a song about their love that will be played ad nauseam for years to come.

This is not a joke

*The following review of The Hills is real. This stuff actually happened. It is not an April Fool's joke. Someone at MTV thought this was fit to air. Oh boy.*

Bust out your Chanel shades (the bigger they are, the better they will hide those death stares you're dishing out), it's time for back-to-back eps of The Hills.

OMG, Lauren and Audrina haven't seen each other in a week. That hug makes it seem like they've been separated for years.

I'm impressed that Lisa Love is able to fake such a level of interest in Whitney's decision to leave Teen Vogue. I'm sure she has other things to be concerned with...like how she got conned into letting MTV cameras into her office.

We're back in the Bolthouse office. *Mental shoutout to Elodie, the oh-so-wise ex-friend/co-worker of Heidi. This skinny 'replacement Elodie' isn't as fun.

Spencer proclaims he hates dating. I'm sure L.A. hates you dating as well. Don't think for a second that the single ladies of Los Angeles are counting down the seconds until you are back on the market. Yuck.

This stylist chick that Whitney is going to be working for looks whack. How can you style people when you look as crazy as she does?

Brody looks bloated. Sorry, but it had to be said. Maybe he's just consuming too much sodium.

Who's that character at the club with the blond 'fro? It's like a real life Sideshow Bob.

Spencer and Heidi are divvying up books as he packs it up, packs it in, and moves in with his sister. So, wait...these two read?

Lo is back two seconds and already is dishing out good relationship advice to Lauren. I can't believe these two weren't friends for a while.

Spencer's sister Stephanie always looks high. I'm sure I mentioned this before, but I'm saying it again.

Whitney is styling for Aussie designers Sass & Bide. You might remember them from an old finale of Top Model. That is, you'd remember if you enjoyed bad reality shows hosted by crazy people named Tyra as much as I do.

She-Pratt extends an olive branch to Lauren. I'm not sure I trust the sincerity behind it.

Cool headband on Stephanie. Very Pocahontas chic.

It didn't take very long for LC and Steph to get buddy buddy, huh?

I see the two After Show shmoes are back in action. Are they even remotely worth the paychecks they receive? MTV has to have the resources to find better on-air talent. Or, as Lanigan put it, "Did the people at MTV walk down the street and pick the two ugliest and most boring people on the block to host The Hills After Show?"

*I couldn't agree more about the two hosts of the after show. NICE GLASSES, DOOFUS! I doubt either of them graduated from junior high. I need a Valium.*