I'll skip my birthday this year

Why?

Because two events are happening this year that are making a mockery of my birthday. And my birthday has no way of defending itself. Aaaahhhh! The horror.

First up, Justin Timbergag is hosting SNL. Ugh. Double Ugh if Jessica Biel shows up with her manly shoulders.

And, secondly, I just found out today that Jessica Simpson will be entertaining marine life by performing at SeaWorld San Diego that night.

My birthday deserves better.

Oh, good grief

Matty Broderick and SJP are having twins via surrogate. Is that why he always looks so grumpy lately?

US Weekly is reporting that Linds is losing weight via Adderall. Yum. Oh, Linds. Will anyone in her family help her????

On a purely shallow note, Ryan Gosling was spotted having dinner with Michelle Williams in NY last night. Guh. He looked great. Wonder if he worries about running into Rachel and Josh? Hmmm....

The Hills

The Unemployed Diva took time out of her busy schedule to recap more hijinx and tediousness from the gang. Thanks, Diva!.

I'm sure everyone is as sick of hearing about and seeing footage from the Speidi wedding as I am. But we'll have to wait to watch the final edited version of the nuptials from hell until this season's finale airs. We just have a regular episode to watch tonight.

So it seems Paris released Doug from her bony little fingers long enough to join the boys in Hawaii. That was nice of her.

Are oddly placed tattoos a prerequisite for going on this trip? I think so.

How often does Speidi hit up Barnes & Noble? Their attempts to seem smart are pathetic.

The way the lighting at the restaurant accents Spencer's face fuzz is really hideous.

I see Spencer dipped into his stash of AC Slater tank tops for his boxing session with Colby. Go Bayside!

Okay, so I find Colby and his gf both generally pleasant. And they annoy Spencer so that gives them bonus points.

Audrina looks a hot mess at dinner. Her hair is all over the place and her eyes are especially squinty. If Brody wants to deal with that, best of luck.

Maybe I just don't care enough about the Brody/Audrina storyline because it seemed pretty drama-free to me.

Final note: how does Lauren keep her boyfriend (that guy from My Boys) away from the cameras? Are they even still dating? It's really too difficult to keep track.

I haven't seen pics of them in forever, so I'm not sure. Also, couldn't he do better?

16+ hours I'm not getting back

Let's take a break from celebrity news for a moment and allow me to lament the current state of the Yankees:

Threat Level Midnight

(Like the screenplay Michael Scott wrote, minus Agent Michael Scarn and his love interest, Catherine Zeta-Jones).

If you are a Yankee fan, you know that the past three days were like being strapped to a chair and being forced to watch Season 3 of The Office with Karen fans.

B-R-U-T-A-L

If you are not a Yankee fan, SHUT IT. And go about your business.

Sigh.

In other news, LC made it to Speidi's wedding this past weekend. Fulfilling a contractual obligation? Check!

Quick hits

*smack*

Hugh Jackman had his hand and footprint ceremony in front of Grauman's yesterday.

*pow*

Linds was spotted out shopping and looking extremely thin. Again. If only this girl had parents that cared about her.

*kabam*

Chelsea Handler called out Paris Hilton for being stupid. Reason #1839 to love Chelsea.

The Hills are alive

Sadly.

Another week of scripted drama. The Diva breaks it down for us with sass:

It's still raining here in Baltimore (AKA Hills recap central) and now I'm hearing thunder. Hopefully my cable lasts through tonight's entire episode.

Lauren is rocking the plaid twice in the first few minutes. Is this a throwback to Ben on the old Celebrity Skewer favorite, Felicity?

Spencer is joking about being Heidi's stalker. But we all know he is too familiar with that alley outside Bolthouse and it isn't a joke at all.

I can appreciate anyone who chooses laying on the beach over surfing. Who needs physical activity when you can be lazy?

How does Brody have time to swing a girlfriend in between all of his Bromancing?

Ridiculously skinny chicks love pickles. I learned this undeniable truth in college. (Ew, pickles. I hate them. But I'm also not ridiculously skinny.)

Does someone named Sleazy T really want to be this involved in Audrina and Justin Bobby's relationship?

It's crazy how daft people make easy jobs seem so difficult. Stephanie you have to check in pieces of clothing, not perform brain surgery.

We apparently only get one minute of Lo tonight, which just isn't enough.

By the time next week's episode rolls around, I will officially be a fulltime Hills recapper since my real job will be no more. Too bad recapping doesn't come with a salary, huh?

Ed. Note: if someone wants to be a full-time recapper, they better cease with mentioning Lauren and Ben from Felicitiy in the same sentence. In some countries, that is punishable by death.

Combined, they probably weigh about 125

Two of the thinnest women on planet earth are pregnant. Start eating, ladies!

Grey's Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo and Project Runway host Heidi Klum will be popping out children later this year. This will be the first for Ellen and the fourth for Heidi.

It will be interesting to see how they shoot around Ellen on Grey's next season. I imagine she'll be sitting or doing a lot of surgeries. Hopefully the baby will have Patrick Dempsey's hair. Wait. What?

Heidi will have another gorgeous child that will look like her and Seal and make all the other kids in the world look fugly by comparison.

I'm sure both women will bounce back to their pre-pregnancy weight in no time. More food for me!

What should we make of this?

Armageddon?

Marc Anthony and Leo DiCaprio hung out together last night. Ummmm....huh? I can only imagine that J.Lo's ears were burning.

Also, Ryan Seacrest is dating a new beard....a cocktail waitress from LA. Uh-huh.

Crazy times.

The Office celebrates 100 episodes

Already? Time flies, doesn't it?

The Office will mark it's 100th episode with this season's finale. Let's hope there isn't a breakup like there was in the Gilmore Girls 100th ep. Oh, Amy Sherman-Palladino....so coy, so clever. So ridiculous.

The Dunder Mifflin crew celebrated with a giant cake that Rainn Wilson stuck his hand in. EWWWWW. Never mess with cake. It should be one of the basic food groups. Bad move, Dwight.

Anyone else feel the show has been a little off this season? I don't have many eps saved on TiVo and that hasn't happened since Season 3. Not really feeling this 'split offices' storyline and Idris Elba must be in it for the paycheck, because Charles is a dud and adding nothing to the show. Thank goodness he'll always have The Wire on his reel, because he has that new movie coming out with Sasha Fierce and Ali Larter called Obsessed that looks like a bad, bad, B-A-D Fatal Attraction knock-off. Ugh.

And what is with a 30-minute season finale? I call bs, NBC.

More Hills madness

The only thing worse than a Yankee loss is Speidi screen time. Here to make sense of it all is our resident Diva:

I haven't yet recovered from the ridiculousness of last week's season premiere, and already it's time for a new Hills ep. The sleaziness of Spencer doesn't wear off that quickly, sadly.

How random is it that Heidi would even mention her high school ex to Stephanie when the entire time she was back home she seemed as if she couldn't care less that she ran into him? What a bleached blonde trouble maker.

Did you see Lauren's claws come when Stephanie brings up joining Lauren at work? Because I did.

I've probably said this a million times, but Speidi, I'm so over you!

Kelly Cutrone strikes again. Stephanie was shaking in her stilettos.

Oh no, I didn't want to see Spencer's doofus friend Charlie ever again. I was hoping he had a one episode stint and that was it.

Note to Ms. Bartender and her equally queer friends: you have to find a cooler go-to song than "Pour Some Sugar On Me." You're not 18 years old and pledging a sorority.

You don't want a piece of S.Pratt. She'll revert to her druggie days and go crazy on you in no time.

I give Heidi credit for looking Spencer in the eye when he has that furry distraction all over his face. Grun-gy. Also I give her credit for teetering on those heels of hers. That's a broken ankle just waiting to happen.

Looks like Audrina gets some face time next week. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. But I'll be here to recap regardless.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Gag

I'm already tired of the commercials for this LAME-O Matty Mc movie. Ugh. He always plays the same character.

This one has Jennifer Garner, though. Hmmm....I'm guessing she did it for Violet's college fund. Or Ben's Hairpiece Fund.

Movie looks like ass but it is counter-programming for those that have no desire to see Tim Riggins on screen with Hugh Jackman in Wolverine.

OMG, did you catch the season finale of Friday Night Lights???? Pure gold. Tyra going to college! Coach getting screwed over by Joe McCoy! Matt staying in Dillon and taking Grandma back from the nursing home! SAY WHAT???

And the most deliciously ridiculous wedding in the history of the television world.

Did you see the white suits? And cowboy hats? And Mindy's butterfly wings on her dress? And Julie's crimped hair?

It was magical. The worst. And yet, THE BEST!

Will bring a smile to my face for years to come.

Another reason to love Stevie Nicks

As if her voice and dance spins and scarves weren't enough.

When told that LiLoca Lohan was hoping to buy the rights to her life story, Stevie's response was:

OVER MY DEAD BODY.

Oh, Stevie. You make me happy.

Twirl away, little Linds.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend celebrating whatever you celebrate. I will be celebrating with ice cream.

Enjoy!

LiLoca back to red

Little Linds has ditched her blonde locks (along with her sanity) and is back to firecrotch red.

How does she have the money for all the shopping and weave treatments?

I thought all of her money was going up her nose (allegedly, of course).

Oh, Linds.

Did she get her own personal bailout from the Government?

Let the blank stares begin

Another season of The Hills dropped last night. Our resident Diva was there to catch it, dissect it, and make it more palatable to the average person. Buckle up, because it's going to be a bumpy ride:

There are some things that just keep coming back into the mix no matter how much you'd love for them to go away. Have you heard the latest single to drop from the (never) celebrated team of vocalist Heidi Montag and producer Spencer Pratt? It's not any better than Ms. Heidiwood's previous offerings. But, it is good for a laugh. Or a cry.

And other things seem like they're going to be gone forever but luckily they hang around for a bit longer. At the end of every recent Hills season, Lauren will tell anyone who will listen that she has had enough of the obtrusive cameras and is ready to call it quits. But all you have to do is wait a few months and Lauren and her posse inevitably return to the MTV airwaves with refreshed highlights and the latest designer duds.

So, hang onto your hobo bags, another season begins of The Hills starts...now.

Stephanie and Heidi are concocting a plan to throw in an extra surprise at Lauren's surprise birthday party since Heidi is going even though she's not invited. Surprise! Here's your ex-friend and you're gonna be trapped on a boat with her all night long!

This episode scores points early on for throwing in some Kelly Clarkson goodness. Love that song.

Ooh, I want Lo to order me a birthday cake. Sigh. One day.

I spotted Holly in the back of the crowd at Lauren's birthday. Will there be some added sisterly drama on this birthday boat?

Why is Spencer's face so shiny? The sheen coupled with those awkward gestures at the bar is just an unfortunate combination.

First Lo dishes out some wise words to Heidi, and then she shoots her a quality eye roll as she walks away. Gotta love that Lo.

Can we talk about Spencer's friend Charlie for a second? Ew. Any girl with a pulse and more than 5 brain cells (I'm looking at you bartender girl) should be immediately repelled by these two.

Am I the only one that expected Heidi to dive into the water and start frantically paddling to get to Spencer? She wasn't getting the whole middle of the water, not near land concept.

Whoa, I didn't think Spencer was actually gonna hit that kid. I figured he was all talk. Note: My arms are the same size as Spencer's.

Thank you Heidi for making the birthday girl cry. Hello Debbie Downer.

Stephanie is totally laying the smackdown on Spencer. It's taken a few years, but she's finally making sense when she speaks and isn't standing for any of his crap.

Heidi is stompin' around town in her boots and short skirt, and she's not gonna stop until she confronts this bartender.

Can't Darlene see that playing the nice mom card hasn't worked all along? It's time to lock Heidi up and not let her out until she agrees to ditch Spencer. Drastic times...

If Stephanie keeps defending Heidi, Lauren is going to pick up a bolt of fabric and beat her over the head with it. You know how those FIDM girls get around swatches.

Now we have Brody vs. Spencer. Good (?) vs. Evil. Showered vs. Looks Like A Drug Addict.

Ah, this was just the beginning of the Hills goodies for this season. Be back next Monday to see what great/awful things unfold in the next ep.

Is she on steroids too?

Baseball season officially kicked off last night, but for me it officially begins at 4:05 today when my Yanks take on the Baltimore Orioles at Camden Yards.

What makes this season especially joyous is the absence of A-Rod at third base. If only it were permanent. Sigh. Cody Ransom 4 Ever!

Oh, let's see.....celeb news? Well, Linds had a fun little escapade Friday night when being denied entrance into a Charlotte Ronson party. Looks like Sammy has had enough of the drama and told security she was not allowed in. Linds was having none of that (but, apparently, was having every drug under the moon) and threw a fit rivaled only by my sister when she stomps her feet. It took five security guards to calm Linds down and send her cranked up ass on it's merry way.

FIVE SECURITY GUARDS!?!?!?!?!?!?! Drugs give you super powers! HGH, anyone?

Poor Linds. She, her 45-year-old sister and her orange mother are rumored to be holed up at the Chateau Marmont. Drama!

It's sad, let's be honest. And we're not even talking about her leggings line.

Go Yanks!

Tim Riggins leads a double life

Earlier this week, the film X-Men Origins: Wolverine was leaked to the internet. The film is expected to be a huge blockbuster when it is released next month, and 20th Century Fox is pissed off about the leak and ready to go Naomi Campbell on the culprit.

I know some people are excited about this film because of an allegiance they have to one Mr. Taylor Kitsch from Friday Night Lights. In the upcoming film, Taylor plays Gambit - a mutant that can turn an ordinary playing card into a deadly weapon and still find time to play football and woo Lyla Garrity.

Oh, wait.

I know others are not as excited about this film because they feel like, "WHO THE HELL IS THIS TV BOY AND IS HIS HAIR SUPPOSED TO LOOK UNWASHED?"

Let's all simmer down and wait to see the film on the big screen starting May 1st.

On a different note, I would just like to announce that I had no idea a new season of The Hills premieres this Monday. Billed as "Lauren's last season," I'm sure it will be amazing.

GAG.

I wonder how many episodes The Diva will actually review of this shocking season. She is moving to another state in a few weeks, so I can see her excuse being that she just doesn't have the time.

Let's see if her fans revolt!

Dina Lohan makes me violent

As in, 'After reading about Dina Lohan acting the fool, I was forced to eat chocolate in order to curb my violent rage of hate."

Or something like that.

So, The Always Orange One takes her two skanky daughters to Villa and assumes that they will have no trouble getting in. You know, because she is Dina Lohan and sooo important and her one daughter is a has been but in Dina's world she is still a relevant actress and her other daughter is a never was but in Dina's world is an aspiring singer.

Who cares that the aspiring singer is only 15? She looks at least 3 times that!

Well, the bouncer was having none of it. Who in their right mind would risk their job for the Lohan's? Thankfully, not this dude. He told them to beat it and have a nice life and WHY ARE YOU ORANGE????

So Dina, in a fit of entitlement and mania, screams the question that separates good people and d-bags. Are you ready? I'm sure you know what is coming, but here it is anyway:

"Do you know who I am?"

For real. With a straight face, even. Maybe she is the true "actor" in the family!

Well, little Linds must have been needing a fix (and fast!), because she jumps in with "You're making a huge mistake. Huge!"

OH MY GOSH, SHUT UP LOHAN'S!!!!!

That bouncer deserves a raise. Kudos, sir!

Hold on to your sequins and feathers

Because after what feels like FOREVEVER, Project Runway is finally coming back to a tv near YOU! And me! And anyone who is fabulous and loves Tim Gunn.

NBC Universal, The Weinstein Company, and Lifetime television were locked in a bitchy battle of wills over the Weinstein's moving PR from Bravo to Lifetime. A settlement was reached and the 6th season of PR will premiere this summer. Bravo is out, Lifetime is in. Fierce!

Let's hope this season was worth the wait! Auf Wiedersehen!