I thought he was gay

Apparently, Hayden Christiensen and Sienna Miller are really having sex in the movie Factory Girl. Ummmm......ok. And ew. And he's been rumored to be gay for years. So, what the hell?

When asked to comment, director George Hickenlooper said "no comment." That's a "Yes" in my book. When this movie fails at the box office and doesn't win the critical buzz he hoped it would, I'm sure Mr. Hickenlooper will be selling the "raw footage" for a pretty penny. You know Joe Francis, that Girls Gone Wild douche, will want in on distributing it.

Personally, I think Hayden and Sienna are both skank. He always looks wasted and she always looks dirty. Unless she's on a red carpet, and then she just looks fugly. I don't know why she is seen as a fashion icon in England. Maybe that's just a story she created to heal her broken heart after Jude's nanny lovin'. Of course, Victoria Beckham is photographed at every turn and her "fashion" is always a topic of conversation, so maybe the Sienna story is true. I guess an eating disorder and extensions are as popular in England as they are in America. You'll have no problem fitting in with the LA crowd, Vicks!

The most important part of this story, of course, is that the last name "Hickenlooper" exists. How fun!

Bye, Joey Potter. Hello, Pinky McAdams.

Rumors are swirling that Rachel McAdams will play the new love interest in the next Batman movie. Good for you, Rachel! You are one of the few women in Hollywood that doesn't annoy the piss out of me. And you were mean to Sarah Jessica Parker in The Family Stone, so you get points there, too.

The one thing I do ask is that you take the pink streaks out of your hair. They bug me for no other reason then I couldn't get away with that look, so no one else should. So there! And it has nothing to do with the fact that you and Ryan Gosling are beyond adorable together, and I'm sitting here on a Tuesday night watching a shitty episode of Gilmore Girls where Luke is forced to wear a hideous tie in order to show that if you live in a small town and own a diner, you can't possibly own a decent tie.

*deep breath*

No, there is no real reason why Katie Holmes couldn't be in the next Batman (other then Tom wanting to control her every move on account of him being a crazy prick). I mean, I didn't see the last movie, and I'm sure you could have replaced her with a mannequin and everyone would have just looked at Christian Bale and been happy, but is shopping with Vicki Beckham and occasionally holding your alien child in public all that time-consuming?

If Joshua Jackson ever loved her at all, he would get the old gang together and take the poor girl away from L Ron's Brainwash Mansion. And by "old gang," I mean the camera and lighting guys from Dawson's Creek, because you know James Van Der Beek wouldn't stand up to Tom, and Michelle Williams probably doesn't admit to having been on the show.

Good luck, Josh! Long live Pacey and Joey!

Kevin Smith and the SAGs

No, he didn't crash last night's award show. And he certainly won't be nominated for his acting any time soon. I saw him in Catch and Release this weekend and it took all my strength not to pull an Elaine in Seinfeld and scream at the screen. My gosh, is he annoying. Stick to directing Kev. And stop wearing plaid shorts. Gah.

No, on to better things.....like, The Office winning Best Comedy ensemble last night. Well deserved, of course. I am so thrilled that people are embracing this show(well, MOST PEOPLE). Some, who like to live in worlds where vampires and vampire slayers exist, like to live above giving things a chance.

Ahem.

So, anyway, how about The Office? It's great!

Also great? Little Miss Sunshine winning Best Picture ensemble. Take that, other nominated films. You suck! I would love an Oscar win to round out a great awards season for this movie.

As far as fashion, nude was the non-color of the night. Some knew how to work it, like Chandra Wilson and Cate Blanchett, and others did not. Yes, Heather Graham and Mary-Louise Parker. I mean YOU. Mary-Louise Parker has the scariest eyes I have ever seen. I don't remember being creeped out by her in Fried Green Tomatoes. What the hell happened??? She has doll eyes. Or maybe they were dilated right before the ceremony. Regardless, sister looked like a freak.

And Heather Graham had the nastiest-looking pair of stripper shoes I have ever seen on a red carpet. Ick.

Best dressed of the night were Mariska Hargitay, America Ferrera, and me. I was wearing a wine-colored long-sleeve tee from Target. It was my homage to Sharon Stone wearing a Gap t-shirt to the Oscar's a few years back. Or not. But it was comfortable and I didn't even need a stylist to pick it out for me!

Best dressed males were Patrick Dempsey and John Krasinski. It was so sweet of them to give me a special sign when they were on stage. I love you too, boys.

Maddie's most challenging role to date

No, not Swept Away. I'm talking about happy wife and mother.

The Mrs. dragged Guy, Rocco, and Lourdes to the UK premiere of her latest dud, Arthur and the Invisibles. Guy looked pissed off and bored, Rocco looked like he was dropped on his head one too many times, and Lourdes looked radiant. Seriously, when did she get that great hair? It was Pantene-perfect.

Maddie put on her best gap-toothed smile for photographers and most likely answered questions in that annoying faux-English accent that makes my skin crawl.

The real question, of course, is when she and Guy will split. I'm thinking by summer. Or whenever she sends Baby David back to his biological father. Because you know that isn't going to last.

Just like Maddie's movie career.

Moesha did what?

Okay, this is one of the funniest pictures I have ever seen.

What's not funny? Causing a traffic accident that results in someone's death.

Brandy was in a car accident on December 30th of last year. Her Land Rover hit a Toyota, which then hit the divider and bounced back into traffic on the 405. The Toyota was then sideswiped and the driver was killed.

My question? How can you hit a car on the 405? It's like a parking lot on there. AT ALL TIMES. How could our little Brandy gather enough speed to hit a car and send it into the divider?

I know I'm focusing on the wrong part of the story, but I can't help it.

Oh, and Brandy? You are in trouble.

There is just way too much going on

So, let's take a breath and dive right in.

We'll start with Oscar. So happy for Little Miss Sunshine. Along with For Your Consideration, it was my favorite movie of last year. How great would a sleeper win for Best Picture be? It would be, in the immortal words of Neil Patrick Harris on How I Met Your Mother, "legendary."

So sad that Beyonce didn't get a nomination for Dreamgirls. PLEASE. Poor Jay-Z is probably still hearing her bitch and moan about how an American Idol castoff scored an Oscar nomination and she didn't. Ear plugs, Jigga. Ear plugs.

Years ago, I took my sister to the Terrace Club in Stamford, CT to see Mark Wahlberg take off his shirt, show off his boxers, and sing "Good Vibrations." Yes, it was worth it. Sue me! Did either of us, much less ANYONE in the club that night, think that the douche on stage would one day be an Oscar-nominated actor? Uh, no. Congrats to Mark. He has grown up, been choosy about film roles, and will be walking the red carpet next month. Ari Gold would be proud.

The Academy does not like Brad Pitt. Maybe he's too pretty for them. Maybe they don't like Maddox's faux hawk. Maybe Aniston slept with a few of them to make sure Brad's name would be left off the Best Supporting Actor nomination list. Who knows? I wouldn't put it past her, though. Girl is going to kiss Courtney Cox in the season finale of Dirt. I smell desperation on all parties involved.

Whatever, Brad. I still love you! Call me after you put Shiloh down for a nap.

Now it's time for Isaiah Washington's 2007 Forgiveness Tour. I wonder if he'll play Mohegan Sun? Boy, is he f***ed. Checked into a residential treatment facility to undergo psychological testing. What am I missing? I know people who are homophobic. They aren't checking into rehab because of it. They are getting dirty looks from me, but I'm not packing their bags and checking them into a center(although, maybe I should). Something else is going on here. I'm sure ABC forced him to do this and to meet with members of GLAAD. I hope he learns tolerance and can truly understand the pain he has caused. Then I want his ass off of Grey's Anatomy.

Finally, Anne "Celestia" Heche's marriage is over. Rumor has it that she and her Men in Trees co-star, the incredibly cute James Tupper, are screwing around on set in Vancouver. OOOH! That's better then dropping X in the desert and waiting for the Mother Ship to bring you to your home planet, isn't it? I think so. Celestia does have a four-year-old son, but his name is Homer and he was going to be screwed up anyway. I mean, let's be honest.

Ben was not far behind

Scott Speedman was in Utah this past weekend, promoting his new movie Weirdsville, and looking hot. Sounds good to me.

Sadly, I have yet to see pictures of him and Keri together, but I'm not giving up. Even if it means getting no work done until I find them.

Oh, the sacrifice.

She should name it "Ben."

Keri Russell is pregnant with her first child and due in the summer. Aw, congrats Keri!


*Whaaaaaa*

No, it's fine. I'm okay with the fact that Scott Speedman isn't the father. Really. I'm okay.



*Sniff*


I wish Keri and her fiance, Shane, all the best.


*sobs*

Move over, Ryan and Isaiah. Gartan is back in town!

I was trying to decide whether to talk about Ryan being mad at Angie for dissing his sorry ass on the Golden Globes pre-show, or about Isaiah releasing a statement about how he's homophobic without ever using the word "homophobic."

BUT, screw both of them, because I just read about how Jennifer Garner, Victor Garber, and.....wait for it.....ready? Okay. AND, Michael Vartan had lunch at Orso yesterday.

Oh, hell no!

I can't believe it. Why? Why wasn't I invited? And why wasn't I invited?

I hate when ex's get along. It's like the world is off its axis.

I wonder if they talked about Ben? Or, maybe Jennifer apologized for her terrible acting in the last season of Alias. She gave new meaning to the phrase "phoning it in." Girlfriend looked bored. And fat. But she was pregnant, so that explains that.

I am in shock. I really liked to believe that Michael had a voodoo doll of Jennifer that he pricked every morning before taking his dog for a walk. And I liked the idea of Jennifer sitting in her living room, watching Monster-in-Law, and crying over the fact that she has a J.Lo connection with two men.

Eh, I'll still believe it. It centers me. It's like my own personal mental yoga.

Wait a minute. Maybe they weren't speaking this whole time, and their fairy godmother, Victor, demanded that they bury the hatchet. That makes sense. Oh, Vic. Ya little peace keeper!

If only one of them would call me and give me the real scoop. Bitches.

Lindsay in rehab. Finally.

Lindsay has checked herself into rehab. Thankfully, I can stop my fast.

So, should we just go ahead and assume she didn't have her appendix out two weeks ago? Maybe it was a bout of alcohol poisoning? Or maybe it was just her monthly trip to get her stomach pumped? Hmmmm......

Good luck, Firecrotch. I hope you find strength, peace, and a new liver.

Golden Globezzzzzzz

That last hour bored me.

First of all, The Office was robbed. It is the Best Comedy on television. Period.

Loved America Ferrara's speech. She was more poised then a lot of people twice her age.

Warren Beatty, please shut up. No wonder Annette was downing the champagne like it was water.

Congrats to Alec Baldwin. Completely deserving of his win and gave a very gracious speech. I'm sure Kim was puking, but I was happy for him.

I used to love Grey's Anatomy. Now, not so much. 24 is the Best Drama on television and deserved the award. And, Shonda Rhimes, I'd like my hearing back. Promise me you will never screech again. And the word "seriously" was over during your first nine episodes. But Dempsey looked G-O-O-D.

As for the fashion portion of the evening, I was surprised by how few misses there were. Vanessa Williams, you are a "few." Honey, what was with the hair? I thought it was a weave, but she said it was her actual hair. OH, Vanessa. YIKES! And should I go PETA on your ass about that fur? I should and will. Was it fake? Didn't look it to me. Tsk Tsk.

Sienna Miller. Oh, my. What was with the milk maid tribute? And that dress was just fugly.

Beyonce? No. Just no. She looked so trashy. Did Tina Knowles design that dress?

Cameron Diaz was also looking foul. I know all about the recent breakup, Cam, but please. Now is not a time for ruffles. Actually, is there ever a good time? And that lipstick was too much. Look to your friend, Drew, for how to dress for an awards show post-breakup. Ms. Barrymore looked divine....although, I have to take points off for the spray-on tan. She didn't veer into Charlize territory, but still. Pale is the new tan, Drew. Live it!

Reese also worked a post-breakup glow. I wasn't feeling the bangs at first, but she did really look good. The yellow was really becoming of her. Yes, I did think she might be a little too thin, but she's one of those people that obviously doesn't eat when she's stressed. I normally hate those people, but this is Elle Woods and June Carter Cash for goodness sakes! I'll give her a pass for now. Some pie wouldn't hurt, though. Oh, and SUCK IT Ryan! To think, last year he was getting sloshed with Shirley McClaine while Reese accepted her Globe. Now, he's......well, no one really cares now, either.

Kate Winslet, you looked stunning. So classy. I even liked Renee's dress. Loved that green. One question, Renee: where the hell are your eyes? I couldn't find them for the life of me. Oh, and she and Luke Perry went on a date last week. I wonder if Nat served them fries at the Peach Pit.

Meryl, I love you. You are classy and funny and contrary to what Jerry said on Seinfeld, you are no phoney baloney. And she always has the best glasses.

Brangelina. Hmmmm.......Brad looked AMAZING(said in a Melissa Rivers voice). Angie accessorized with a bitch face and fake lashes. My gosh, what was up her ass? I know there were no children to save, but it's okay to just kick back and have a drink every now and then. Good gracious, woman. Your baby daddy is smokin' hot and all you could do was walk around looking like someone farted in your face. Don't make me sympathize with Aniston.

So glad Ben and Jen were there. Oh, and I loved seeing Jen and J.J. chatting. How fun! GAG! I didn't like your dress, Jennifer. And you are too thin. And Ben looked.....off. Can't quite put my finger on it.

Cutest couple of the night were John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer. Although she is married, and he is most likely dating Rashida Jones, they were adorable walking the red carpet together. Love you, Jim and Pam.

Week-end wrap-up

1. Jessica Alba may be engaged.

2. Madonna still likes Rosie...but Brit? Not so much. Oh, and she's still trying to pull off that b.s. english accent. You are from Detroit, Madge. I can't believe how much this still bugs me. That, and how she lets her roots show. I do, but that's because I can't afford to get my hair colored every 8 weeks. That crazy ho has Like a Virgin money. COVER YOUR ROOTS.

3. Oprah hates my guts because she's allowing Julia Roberts to interview George Clooney for her Oscar special. Why do you hate me so, O? And isn't having a Barbara Walters Oscar special bad enough?

4. Paris Hilton is dumb.

5. David and Posh Spice Beckham are going to move to America and quickly discover no one gives a crap.

Where have I been?

I didn't know that Claire Danes and Billy Crudup had broken up! I would have thrown a party! Instead, I was probably just pretending to do work or half-listening to someone on the phone.

Now, the fun part of this story, besides the breakup, is that she supposedly cheated on him with one of her co-stars....who also hooked up with some men on set. LOVE IT!

The co-star is Hugh Dancy, and the project is a film entitled Evening. Now, I've seen a picture of Hugh, and I think he screams "queen" like you read about. Maybe he's just bi-curious. You know, like Liz Lemon's shoes.

Hmmm.....it's hard to decide which story is better - cheating on your boyfriend with a gay man or cheating on your boyfriend with someone that is possibly-bi-sexual-but-more-likely-gay? I'll take either for $400, Alex.

Well, karma really is a bitch. Billy cheated on Mary-Louise Parker with Claire, and now Claire has cheated on Billy with a Mary. It's the circle of life.

You know Mary-Louise is laughing her ass off while trying not to tell her son what a douche his daddy is. Actually, if he's spent any time with him, he probably already knows.

Get it together, Whitney

USA Today conducted a poll asking people which celebrity comeback they were most anticipating in 2007. The answer? Ms. Whitney "kiss my ass" Houston.

Hear that, Clive Davis? Slap a wig on her and get her in the studio, pronto. If Mimi can emancipate herself(and stop staring at rainbows long enough to make a hit album), then so can our sweaty Whitney.

Now, I love Crazy Whitney as much as the next person, but for Bobbi Christina's sake, I hope she can make a full recovery from her cracked-out, weaved-out, what day is it? phase.

Ms. Whitney beat out Brit, Jessica, and Tom Cruise in the poll. Man, who knew all of these psychos would need comebacks at the same time? What if they all try for a comeback at once??

Forget Global Warming. Comebacks might kill us this year! You heard it here first.

This has the makings to be horrible

And I love it!

The 2007 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees were announced today, and this might be the ugliest ceremony yet.

Van Halen, R.E.M, The Ronettes, Patti Smith, and Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five will be celebrated on March 12th at the Waldorf Astoria, and I'm hoping David Lee Roth crashes the party. Oh, the drama!

Apparently, only Eddie Van Halen, and his brother, Alex, are on speaking terms. Bassist Michael Anthony is now siding with Sammy Hagar in thinking that the brothers are asses. Where does this leave Dave? Well, he had a short-lived morning radio show, and was studying to be an EMT. Maybe he's saving someone as we speak. Or, talking them to death. Who knows?

What I do know is that I wish I was going to be in the audience that night, because I love R.E.M and think Michael Stipe is freaky enough to do a rendition of "Jump" with Diamond Dave. FUN!

Or, maybe Eddie will jump off the wagon and say mean things about Valerie Bertinelli. Either way, win-win.

The drug diet

Remember when these women were relevant? Sure, they were annoying then, too, but at least they had the decency to just piss me off. Now, I'm feeling sorry for them. It takes away time that I could be spending feeling sorry for myself.

Not cool, ladies. Not cool.

Things that are over

1. My New Year's resolution to be a patient person.

2. Emilie de Ravin's marriage. Yeah, I forgot that Claire, from Lost, was married. It only lasted 6 months. Lesson learned: don't get married.

3. The O.C. That's right. The show I never watched is ending next month.

4. Britney's days of pulling on a weave and throwing on something fugly. Supposedly, she's about to enter rehab. I'd be happier if she gave her kids up for adoption to Angie and Brad.

5. Justin and Cam. I never thought it would last this long. Oh, and I don't care.

Drinking heavily makes you tired....or something

Britney did it again. She drank a lot and wore an ugly outfit in public. Some girls just never learn.

Happy New Year, y'all!

Brit hosted a New Year's Eve party at Pure Nightclub (in Vegas) and barely made it past midnight before passing out. And, she had to be carried out by her bodyguards. OR, she left on her own accord around 1 am because she was extremely tired. These are the stories to choose from.

Regardless, the girl was wearing a bad weave and a too-short dress. And chomping on gum like a cow. Has it become so commonplace that no one wants to talk about that? I guess so.

Well, no need to fear, Britney! I will always find time to talk about your poor hair and fashion choices. It's one of my resolutions this year.

Yeah, I know. Sad.