Oh my gosh, you guys!

Britney's new single just dropped! Or leaked! Or something!

Gag.

I couldn't get past the first 30 seconds. Sounds like over-produced poo to me. That's right. POO.

Put a fork in this mess. She's OVAH!

Oh, and take away her kids before their teeth fall out from all of that soda and red bull. Poor little things.

Angie does Iraq

Slut!

Oh, Angie, you make me look so boring and lazy. Thanks for that!

Ms. Jolie travelled to Syria and Iraq to meet with families that have been uprooted by the war and to visit with US soldiers. What did I do the last two days? Send out some Fed Ex packages, answer the phone, and watch the Yankees beat the Red Sox. Whew! I'm beat. Nap time!

I have to hand it to Ange. She's done a lot of work as Goodwill Ambassador for the UN. I don't like camping because of the bugs and lack of showers, and here she is travelling all over the world to bring the plight of others into our collective conscious. Makes me want to have a cupcake in her honor. Or some Ben & Jerry's. Is it time for lunch?

Of course, with Ange away, Brad is with the kids in NY. Brad, would a visit to Stamford, CT kill you? I have a cat which the kids can play with, and you and I can dish on Gwyneth. I have a lot of issues with her and I imagine you do as well. We'll save the deconstruction of Aniston for another time.

Call me!

The Teen Choice Awards are scary

Paris and Nicole hosted last year, didn't they? And the kids loved them. UGH. Shady award show to say the least. And shouldn't they have teen stars host? Or at least people who haven't tried heroin and flashed their cooches to photographers? I can't be the only person who hasn't done either, right? Fine, I'll host next year.

This year, Hilary Duff and Nick Cannon did the honors. Neither one of them are teens, but okay. Shouldn't they have had the scary kid from High School Musical 1 and 2 and his beard host? Well, they won a bunch of awards. Man, Zac uses a lot of self-tanner.

Those hos from The Hills were there, too. Well, not Heidi. LC and Audrina. Yes, I know their names without looking them up. My life is officially in the toilet. Flush me, I'm done.

Other people who are not teens were there, including Steve Carell. Oh, Steve! It was nice of him to show to keep the young demographic happy. I don't really know if teens are watching The Office. For those that do, I'm here to tell you two things: Jim Halpert does not exist. You will work in offices with unattractive people that complain about their spouses and how they will never make enough to retire. It's very depressing. Also, working in an office sucks harder then what they show you on t.v.

Other people won other dumb awards but I'm now too depressed to go on about it.

I'm going to Cali to commit my crimes

Drive drunk in Cali and you, too, can spend only minutes in jail.

Nicole Ritchie only served 82 minutes behind bars today for her DUI arrest from last December. What the? Wasn't she high on Vicodin, as well? Mmmmm.....wait. Does Vicodin make you high or sleepy? I think sleepy. I only had the generic one time and it made me feel like I was jumping out of my skin. Thanks, Doc!

Cali jails are overcrowded, and they only like Paris, anyway. I think they were also fearful that Lionel would show up and take requests for an impromptu cafeteria concert. "Dancing on the Ceiling" is a big hit with the inmates. So is making shivs and buying cigarettes.

It must be nice to have money. Lindsay is also getting off way too easy and that bitch had coke in her pockets! And she tried to blame her driving and coke possession on others. Such a sweet little addict.

Also infuriating? Nicole is 5'1" and only weighs 105 pounds!!! And she's pregnant!!! I haven't weighed 105 since....uh.....maybe before I went away to college. Remember eating salad and cookies for lunch and dinner? What? You didn't? Well, excuse me! Mmmm....those cookies were good. And they served pop tarts on the weekend! And I remember a bunch of my friends befriended one of the cafeteria workers and she would bring out sour cream for us so we could make our own nachos. Nothing fattening (or sad) about that. Hold me!

Oh, yeah. Nicole is one lucky twig. Eat something, for goodness sakes!

The Piv likes to scream at his mom in public

Why so angry, Jeremy?

The man who loves to take his mother to award shows(and wear an ascot in 90+ degree heat)was screaming at her at Nobu recently.

Did she say she liked John Cusack's last film, 1408? No need to get loud, Jeremy. She's entitled to her opinion. Or maybe she's just not that crazy about this season of Entourage? I've heard some complaints about this season from critics.

Easy, Piv! The woman gave birth to you AND probably helps you pick out your toupes. Let her speak her mind over a ridiculously-priced meal. It's her right!

I really think Jeremy needs to stop with the paranoia and reconcile with Cusack. I just don't see John being that jealous of Jeremy's success. I mean, sure, he won an Emmy for Entourage last year, BUT John is freakin' Lloyd Dobler!!! Come on! He put up with Diane and her lame-ass clothes. (I mean, who dressed her? Remember that dress she wore to the party? It didn't fit! And what was with that huge flower in her hair? Oh, Diane Court!).

What did The Piv play in Say Anything? A drunk guy named Mark. Did I even know his character had a name until I just looked him up on imdb? NO!

Also, just read that Kirk Cameron almost got the role of Lloyd. GAH!!!!!!!!! He was great as Mike Seaver, but please. Not even close.

SHUT UP, Gwyneth!

Although she hasn't been in the Hollywood spotlight in forever, Mrs. Chris Martin sure does love to bitch and moan about the paparazzi.

The Annoying One was in Chicago to promote some new Estee Lauder perfume(wow!) at Macy's, and (seethed with jealousy) complained about the presence of paps at her hotel because Brad, Ange, and the kids, were in town while Ange filmed her new movie. Retract those claws, Gwen.

Of course she just had to stay at that particular hotel. Mmmm hmmmm. Please. Stalker!

"When Brad and Angelina leave, won't they (paparazzi) go, too?"

Yes, they will. No one wants to hang out waiting for you to do something interesting. Even when she won an Oscar, she couldn't pretend to be anything more then the bore she is.

MEOW!

My initial hatred of Gwen was born from the fact that she dated Brad, BUT, all these years later, I just can't stand how phoney and pompous she is. Even without Brad, she makes me want to scream. Live in England full-time and shut yourself off from Hollywood. It doesn't need you.

I really need a cookie.

She said NO! NO! NO!

That little wino, Amy Winehouse, is out of rehab after only a week. The not-being-able-to-drink must have pushed her over the edge. Rehab is so boring without a little cocktail after dinner. Or before breakfast.

I think that husband of hers is shady. What does he do for a living? Mix her drinks? Buy her heroin from the young boy down the street from their flat? Is it Hugh Grant? He's not young, but he seems to be done with Hollywood and might need a new career. Didn't he recently throw something at paparazzi? I think it was soup in a baggie. Yeah, he's lost it.

The beauty of Amy busting out of rehab is that she went straight to a bar. It's love, folks! When you can't stand to be separated from booze and run to the nearest pub to grab a pint, it's good ole' fashioned head-over-heels love. So sweet.

If only she could run into a dentist while on her binge. Girlfriend needs new teeth.

The less fortunate will just have to wait

Paris has another album to record, so stop with your needy and your disadvantaged! Ugh!

Did anyone really believe this ho was going to change her ways? Really? Anybody? Kim Kardashian, maybe?

Well, so much for one day being annointed a saint. What a lavish ceremony it would have been. Dogs dressed in the finest couture, coke lines as far as the eye can see, and Hell freezing over while Armageddon tears the world apart. I would have worn something special from the Macy's sales rack.

Although, with Paris recording another album, is Armageddon really that out of the question? Maybe I'll pick up something nice at Target on the way home.

Lost in the mail

I'm sure that's what happened to my invite to Maddox Jolie-Pitt's sixth birthday party.

Or, maybe Aniston intercepted it! I wouldn't put it past her.

Brad and Angie had a bunch of kids over at their Santa Barbara pad this past weekend. Remember the soap opera Santa Barbara? I do. Robin Wright-Penn was in it, along with Marcy Walker and A. Martinez. Good soap couples on that show. Robin was with some hot guy named Jeffrey. I think he had an accent. Anyway, it was a good show. Although, I used to watch Alf, so what do I know?

Santa Barbara is also where Vaughn wanted to take Sydney for the weekend, but then she got into an intense throw down with Evil!Francie and ended up losing 2 years of her life as an assassin for The Covenant. Oh, Vaughn. You should have just called me instead of marrying Melissa George.

Wait. Uh, where was I? Maddox....right! So, some kids came over and bounced around high on sugar and played Army. I thought Mama and Papa Bear were anti-war. Hmmm......I think this should be investigated. Were members of the NRA invited? I'll be pissed if they shared cake with the Jolie-Pitts and I didn't.

Michelle Pfieffer totally deserved one before Britney

I can't believe Michelle didn't have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame until now. Who do I complain to? I mean, Britney and Puffy had one before this woman? BS! The woman was in Grease 2 for crying out loud!!

Well, Michelle looked stunning in a strapless dress and flowing locks. Hope she didn't bend over too much during photos. The woman is almost fifty and looks better then I did in my 20s. Oh my gosh, that isn't saying much because I wore some really ridiculous outfits. I think I still do. Oh, whatever. I'll hire a stylist to dress me when I finally receive my star. Clear your calendars for 2050!

As I was perusing photos from the ceremony, I came across an adorable one of Michelle with her The Fabulous Baker Boys co-star, Jeff Bridges. Was Beau Bridges there? Too busy? Michelle and Jeff were smokin' hot together in that movie. He was a real prick and she was full of sass. Loved it. Who can forget the scene of her singing on the piano while he played? Me!

The first time I saw this movie was on tv, with some friends, the summer before my senior year. Well, one friend thought it was her right as an actress/singer/relative of a famous political family to sing along with Michelle during the piano scene. Totally ruined it. Years later I watched the movie again and realized how hot Jeff Bridges was during that scene. While you are telling your friend to "Shut the f*** up!" you miss out on those things. Sorry, Jeff!

Anyway, Paul Rudd attended the ceremony as well. Have I mentioned lately that I love Paul Rudd? I do. A lot. He's so funny. And has gotten better looking as he gets older. I hate people like that. Paul did a movie with Michelle entitled I Could Never Be Your Woman, which comes out this November. I'll be there with Sno Caps.

Ryan or Jake: Who will Reese choose?

No, this is not a Friday cliffhanger on Passions. If it was, there would be bad special effects, a little person, and some type of witchcraft involved. That show is creepy!

Several reports have Ryan and Reese eating at their favorite restaurant and jogging together around the Brentwood Country Club. Elitists! Besides, who wants to work out with someone they love? I don't. I would not want my boyfriend meeting me at the gym because I sweat a lot and like to secretly judge others. Who has time for conversation?

Other reports have her getting back with Jake G. Were they ever really together? I have my suspicions. I know they did a movie together right around the time her split with Ryan was announced, so I think the media just tried to make something out of nothing. I mean, neither one called me to confirm, and I'm usually the first person the celebs call right after their Psychic Friends. I'm Number 2 on speed dial right after Miss Cleo. Jealous?

Oh, Reese. I wish I had some advice. The only men I know who may be fighting over me are in my head and they won't call to confirm. Why so coy, boys? Fight it out in a cage match! That's a true test of love.

Stealing is the new black

I want in on this!

Louis Vuitton sent over some samples for Lindsay's Elle shoot. Well, Linds must have needed a fix, because she started shoving the samples into her bag! Coke does not come cheap, and Lindsay looks like the type to barter with her dealer. Especially if the stories about her staging paparazzi shots in exchange for cash are true. That Mean Girls money must be long gone.....up her nose!

A stylist's assistant took back most of the items, but Lindsay still managed to walk away with a few things. Louis was not having it, and this incident lead to Lindsay being dropped from consideration as the new face of Vuitton. I'm sure the coke bloat didn't help either.

Could you imagine what would happen if Brit and Lindsay did a photoshoot together? I'm thinking of starting a magazine entitled "The Addict" and letting these two wackos fight over clothes from Target. Maybe I'll even throw in a few wigs from The Dollar Store.

I doubt even Annie Leibovitz could make it work.

Science 101: Skeletons can get pregnant

Huh.

So, Nicole Ritchie is pregnant. People had been speculating for months, and she finally confirmed to Diane Sawyer that she is four months along.

(Yes, I know this is old news, but I've been watching Shark Week on Discovery and it's been very distracting(as well as terrifying and nightmare-inducing)).

Remember when Diane Sawyer had actual cred? Like, people respected her as a journalist and her husband, Mike Nichols, wanted to be seen in public with her? Think waaaaaayyyyy back. Pre-Michael and Lisa Marie. I guess it has been a really long time. Oh, Diane.

Anyway, are Hollywood people afraid of The Pill? Ever heard of condoms? Did you know they released a new version of the Today Sponge? I doubt Nicole would have been able to figure out how to use it, but at least it would have given her something to do other than have sex with nasty-ass Joel Madden. Ew. He's just....a douche with no talent? Yeah, I know. He'll make a great dad, I'm sure. Ain't love grand?

So Nicole has to spend 4 days in prison because California has some whack jobs parading as judges. What is the point? Couldn't he have demanded she sign papers promising that she will eat and gain weight for the baby's sake, instead? Seriously, I don't know how the woman stands up. She's frail! How will she carry a baby and nourish it for the next 4-5 months? It scares me to think about it.....like it scares me to think about people voluntary getting into water inhabited by sharks.

Crack-smokers, all of you!!

Where do cancer sticks double as lollipops?

In Brit's house!

Who's house? Brit's house!

What the hell am I doing? Oh, yeah. So, Life & Style is reporting that Mother of the Year, Britney Spears, asks her sons to find "mommy's lollipops" when she misplaces her smokes. Wonder what special name she has for her coke. "Boys, go find mommy's fairy dust." Yeah, that'll work.

No wonder these poor kids always look so tired.

Of course, it could also be due to their piss poor diet. Brit supposedly fills their bottles with soda and lets them eat Doritos all the time. Mmmm....remember when Cool Ranch Doritos came out? God only knows what pesticides and spices were sprinkled on each chip, but those things were good.

Right. So, the kids. Man, they have it rough. I wonder if they take care of the dog. I bet they do. You know they've learned how to clean mama's puke out of the rug. Oh, the stories they will tell from behind bars someday. They'll be the most popular kids on the block. Thanks, I'll be here all week!

If only they could learn to tie Brit's nasty weaves together and climb out a window. Good luck, boys!