Hold on to your asses, Armageddon is around the corner

You want proof?

Gayken is going to be a dad. Yes, that Gayken. Claymates everywhere must have the vapors. Fetch the smelling salts!

Now, before you throw up your breakfast, know that our favorite Closet Case donated his own little Claymates for some artificial insemination. Remember, this boy hates va jay jay.

The mom will be Clay's bestest hetero and record producer, Jaymes Foster (sister of David Foster). It's like Will and Grace if they decided to have a child together afterall. How sweet! Cue the soundtrack to Funny Girl or any Cher concert ever. Get those jazz hands ready!

Well, good for Gayken. I'm sure he'll make a fabulous father. Expect a lot of glitter-covered newborn onesies and matching booties. Can't wait!

Why does Michael Patrick King hate me?

I rented the dvds of Sex and the City, dammit!

I put up with the whining and horrendous outfits and the whining and SJP and the whining and Mr. Big. Did I mention the whining?

I overlooked Carrie and her skinny ass screwing Aidan over not once BUT TWICE, and going off to live in Paris with a skeleton masquerading as Mikhail Baryshnikov, only to end up in the arms of the emotionally abusive Mr. Big. I put up with Charlotte and her pearls and Miranda and her bitchiness and Samantha and her nudity. All for what?

So that years later, when the series makes it to the big screen, Michael Patrick King can subject me to 145 minutes of these 4 bitches and their Manolo's and Jimmy Choo's? I could barely get through 30 minutes of this show when it was on. I'll need a pitcher of Cosmos and a Valium to make it past the first hour.

In all honesty, I never considered myself a fan of the show. I tried. I watched the episodes and occasionally laughed. Occasionally I felt sympathy for the characters. I even cried (CRIED!) when Miranda's mom passed away. (That episode, "My Motherboard, My Self" is wonderful and the scene when Samantha mouths "I'm sorry" to Miranda at the funeral is very touching). But, I never felt the liberation watching this show that so many claimed was part of it's groundbreaking achievement. Yes, the women talked about sex, and everyone but SJP showed their business during the course of the series, but so what? None of them were characters I would want to be friends with and I often found it unbelievable that anyone would want to be in a relationship with them.

I guess the biggest problem for me was SJP's Carrie Bradshaw. Carrie was self-absorbed, bad with money, full of puns, and lacking in fashion sense. She was a nightmare. To the credit of the writers, they weren't afraid to show that. She wasn't perfect. None of them were. They all had flaws. I appreciated that. But I never really felt that Carrie grew as a character over the course of the series. She was a successful writer with a great apartment and close friends and parties to go to. She had a great life.

But not really. Because she didn't have Big. And that's what I felt was her fatal flaw and the flaw of the series.

Her relationships with men were awkward or funny but all were doomed because the guy wasn't Big. And Big was an ass! I'm sorry, but he was. I was so disappointed that they ended up together in the series finale. I never liked the guy. He was manipulative and a user. He only wanted Carrie when she was happy with someone else. He was stank! HATED him. For real.

Oh, but he was quippy! And rich! And had a driver! GAG. Who cares? Stank is stank and it can't hide behind expensive sunglasses or pricey suits. If anything, I feel that Carrie settled for a guy that treated her badly because she was in LOVE. Great message! I feel liberated.

Thank you and goodnight!

But seriously, couldn't this movie have been 90 minutes at most. Blergh!

And one more thing: I find it odd that the last premiere for this film was in NYC. I mean, throughout the series, everyone involved in the show claimed that NY was the 5th cast member.

Maybe NY was holding out for more money.

Jim Halpert and I are getting married

Well, he wasn't engaged to Pam last I checked, so I'm calling dibs.

Fine. Pam can have Jim. But I'm taking Krasinski! And hostages if need be. Consider yourself warned!

Friday night, Mr. Krasinski was filming scenes for his movie Farlanders in Stamford at Remo's Restaurant. Guess who drove her ass downtown on a Friday night, paid $3 for parking at the Majestic, and walked over to the Ferguson Library in flip flops that hurt her feet? Uh....some poor loser. I forget her name. But her hair looked great!

Let me tell you, there are some ugly people in Stamford. I'm sorry, but there are. And scary. By 8:30, I saw three drunk men who had probably been drinking since 10:00 that morning. And they were in at least their mid-40s. Classy. I should have asked if they were single. What catches!

So, I sit on uncomfortable stone steps and people watch while hoping to catch a glimpse of John...for close to 2 hours. Say what? Yes, I have no life. I admit it! Don't judge me! The weather was nice and I had just painted my toes a lovely crimson. I was ready to be seen.

John was obviously taken by the Liz Lemon look-a-like sitting across the street, because when he came out of the restaurant, I could tell he was smitten. He played it cool by not looking at me, but as he got into the car that had pulled up for him, I heard him scream "I love you!" Or "I still have a restraining order!" It was hard to hear as Stamford's Hip Hop community decided to roll down Bedford Street at that exact moment.

Oh, John. So coy.

I want a Fall wedding, by the way.

Grey'zzzzzzzz

Since The Office is done for the season, I watched the Grey's Anatomy finale last night. Big mistake. That show is awful. I mean, every single character is an a-hole and acts like they are in middle school. (No offense to you middle schoolers who are not reading this site!).

I used to love this show. I have the first 2 seasons on dvd. Or just the first season. I forget. That's how long it's been since I've pulled those dvds out. I mean, Meredith was always an annoying twit, but Patrick Dempsey more than made up for it. My gosh, Ronald Miller is all growns up and looking good. And the storylines were interesting and the characters didn't "dance it out" or whine every single minute of the day while patients around them died from lack of attention. Or something.

Anyway, I gave up on the show after they split Derek and Meredith up for the umpteenth time last season. That crap gets old. And fast. I gave up on Gilmore Girls when they pulled that nonsense, too. Don't mess with my ships, showrunners! And, yes, that is now pointed at you, Greg Daniels.

So, anyway, Grey's is a hot mess. Like, brick oven pizza hot mess. And when Derek and Meredith kissed at 10:57, I felt nothing. I did think the lighting was good, but I was too bored to even look for tongue(which I definitely think there was during the first two seasons). Oh, show. I should have left and never looked back.

On a lighter note, John Krasinski is filming in Stamford today. I feel like today might be the day for me to walk to Dairy Queen, buy a Heath Bar blizzard, find a bench, and wait. And wait. And wait. The weather is nice. I have good sunglasses. I like my shoes.

Fingers crossed!

Bow down to the Yamaguchi

Little Kristy won the mirror ball last night on Dancing with the Stars, becoming the first woman since bitchy Kelly Monaco to win the title. Good for you, Kristy!

I didn't watch the first season of the show when it was down to Kelly and J. Peterman, himself, John O'Hurley. I do remember my mother raging when Kelly won. Good gracious, you would have thought someone took The Nanny out of syndication, she was so pissed off. Other fans were also outraged, so they held Dancing with the Stars: Dance-off, and O'Hurley won. You know Monaco is a sore loser, so I'm sure things on the General Hospital set were icy for at least a month.

That was then and this is now. Season six of the show saw Kristy clearly impressing the judges right from the start. She and partner Mark Ballas were the highest scoring couple in the history of the show, and brought their A-game each week. Score one for the shorties!

Runner up was football player Jason Taylor, who, in addition to being hot, was extremely charming and gracious. His partner was Edyta Sliwinsksa, making her way to the Finals for the first time. In addition to having no body fat, Edyta is known for wearing some of the skimpiest outfits in the history of dance competitions. Seeing her is my motivation to eat more ice cream, as it really is a losing cause to try to get my hip bones that pointy. Pass the New York Super Fudge Chunk!

Can't wait to see what D-Listers and sports figures tie up their dance shoes for Season 7. Shannen Doherty should totally do it if she isn't going to get her ass on the new 90210. I bet she would cut someone if she didn't get a good score. She'll hide a knife in her bra if need be. Oh, the drama!

Boo hoo

Somebody needs a reality check. Her name? Gwyneth Paltrow.

While promoting her new film Two Lovers in Cannes, the Oscar winner(still think that is a joke) whined about how Hollywood forgot about her after she had her children. She went on to say that "I definitely knew I had lost my place."

Could it have anything to do with the fact that you moved to London? Perhaps people got tired of your holier-than-thou act? I seem to recall Julianne Moore working even after she had children. Let's see....who else....Kate Winslet, Tina Fey, Laura Dern, Cate Blanchett, and Jennifer Garner(added begrudgingly!)all found work after having children. All are in their 30s and getting consistent work in film, theater, and television.

You dug your own grave, Paltrow. You started giving interviews where you acted above it all, talked about how you'd rather live in London, became friends with Madonna, called Angie a "Heinous bitch" and Brad "Really ugly." Fine, I made the last part up, but I'm sure you had those thoughts run through your mind as you watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith on dvd. Perhaps even thinking back to a simpler time when your head was in a box in Seven. I know I loved it!

So, find that cotton candy pink frock you won your Oscar in and recreate that night in your life. It's all you are getting!

Send in the rainbows

Looks like Mariah and Nick Carey will be having a big blowout of a wedding in NYC in the next few weeks. An "insider" claims that it will be on the same scale as Liza and David Gest's wedding. Wonder if it will end the same way? I can see bitch fights going down in Mimi's walk-in closet, even though Nick isn't gay.

The "insider" goes on to say the budget will probably be around 4 million and Mimi will have at least 14 bridesmaids. Say what???? You know Da Brat will be there in something rough and tumble, but who else would stand up for Mimi? Her dog? That makes 2. She's a Diva, afterall. They have servants, not friends. Maybe she'll have some trannies made up to look like her.

On a separate note, who is this "insider?" How do I apply to become an "insider?" I need to know fast, because I have the scheduled due date of one Mrs. Mary Kennedy-Hall and I need to make some money. Mama's gotta eat! The paps better be willing to pay a pretty penny for this Grade A scoop. Where's Adnan?

What a week!

Jen Celotta and Paul Lieberstein, feel my wrath! They are the two writers responsible for The Office finale last night. They are also responsible for my crankiness today. Andy and Angela get engaged, but not Jim and Pam? *smack* Just, no.

That, combined with the Yankees playing like ass, will make this a long summer. HATE!

On a lighter note, Ellen and Portia are getting married now that Cali has decided to recognize gays and lesbians as human beings. With rights! Go figure. Good luck to all of the same-sex couples who will rush to tie the knot and then be as miserable as straights all over the world. Get a pre-nup!

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson will be marrying this weekend. Zzzzzzz......

Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty are sharing crack and poor fashion sense in London. Lock your doors and draw the curtains, Brits! It ain't pretty.

Mariah is still married to Nick Cannon.

Jim and Pam are still not engaged.

Angie and Brad caused a stir on the Kung Fu Panda red carpet. I've never been a big Angie fan, but she tore up the carpet with those twins. Easy, pervs. I meant the twins she is carrying in her stomach, not on her chest. Although, let's be honest, those chest twins are huge. Those kids will not starve. BRAD LOOKED AMAZING, by the way. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

Brad's ex, Ms. Aniston, is hanging with John Mayer and sitting backstage at his concerts. What a groupie!

Still haven't seen John Krasinski, although he has been filming in CT for weeks. Weeks! No, it's fine! Really.

I need a nap.

And two more make....too many

Two posts in one day? Do I think I'm a professional? No, I don't.

But, when the Angelina half of Brangelina admits that she is having twins, it's news. Right? Right? Anyone?

This was speculated months ago. I guess Jack Black slipped up during an interview for their new movie, Kung Fu Panda, and admitted that the former Mrs. Miller and Mrs. Thornton is having two more of Brad's children. Ange had to confirm.

Hope Jack doesn't end up face down in the water at one of the private beaches in Cannes.

Six kids in total? Sounds exhausting. Good thing they are rich beyond belief and can hire help. I would allow someone else to raise them once they started to talk, but that's just me.

Best of luck to the happy couple!

Jump!

Jonah Hill is in negotiations to develop a movie version of 21 Jump Street. You remember Jump Street, right? Two words: Johnny Depp. Two more: Holly Robinson. Please, she was annoying. Will Richard Grieco try to get in on this? You know "The Poor Man's Johnny" needs some work. And those DeLuise boys are always looking for fresh ways to annoy.

I guess there really are no original ideas in Hollywood anymore. I mean, 90210 is coming back, complete with Jennie Garth! Tory is in talks to join the cast as well. Someone hit up Shannen, please. Have her sport some bangs and bitch face and you'll have it made, CW. Duh!

No word yet on whether Jonah will star in the film, but he will be writing the screenplay and serving as Executive Producer. All at the tender age of 25.

No, I'm not jealous. Why do you ask?

Off to fill the fax machine with paper. Yippee!

The Hills finale

That was a finale? YAWN!

On with the recap:

I'm going to start off my last recap of the season with a disclaimer. As my older brother called me right at 10:00 to talk about the previous two hours of television heaven, AKA the CW's killer combo of Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill, I missed some of the beginning of Hills. This probably isn't very surprising, but I found I can have a phone conversation and still follow the intricate plot points of the show at the same time. So without any further interruption (unless my brother calls again to talk about Lisa Loeb's GG appearance tonight), the Hills finale recap can begin.

Seeing Heidi traipse through the Sahara in Vegas brings back many memories as I stayed there a few summers ago. I remember laying out at that pool, and getting denied a free drink at the bar because I left my ID up in the room. I also remember my dad calling me from the slot machines at 5 AM asking me to collect his thousands of dollars in winnings. But that's really for another time.

Why would Stephanie subject herself to a car ride from LA to Vegas with Spencer? That must've been a long, annoying trip through the desert.

Looks like another one of the girls has to choose between work and a boy. We all saw how Lauren's decision to pick Jason worked out for her that fateful summer. Will Heidi follow in her footsteps?

Lauren's really holding onto that braid hairstyle for dear life, huh?

For anyone who nearly peed their pants watching the commercial for the movie The Strangers, you're not alone. Spooky.

Heidi, obviously, is a dumb ass. I'm not saying that Brent Bolthouse and his creepy business partner are a huge draw, but raggedy beard Spencer is just...wrong.

I guess Lauren and Audrina's disintegrating friendship is this season's cliffhanger. Eh. I do feel bad, especially when Lauren's tears start flowing. But it just isn't as thrilling as the finales of Hills past.

I know there's an aftershow on at 11, but if you've read any of these recaps you know my feelings about such events. If anyone has any good dish from watching, share with the group. Until next season, make sure to read the 1,000 Us Weekly articles written about the Hills girls to keep your addiction going strong. As always, thanks for reading!

*Here's some scoop: Speidi was denied at the door! Lauren bitch-faced her way to ensuring they would not be allowed into the after party. I'm sure to console themselves they hit up that Mexican restaurant they love so much.*

Happy Birthday, Bono

I had some ice cream in your honor.

Tell Larry I said "hi."

Keep the ticket prices down on the next tour. I don't have disposable income, Lucky Charms!

All the best to you.

Babs vs. Starzilla

It is ON, bitches!

Barbara Walters is airing her dirty laundry about Star Jones in her memior, Audition. She admits that Star asked her co-hosts to lie about how she lost all that weight when Star decided not to share the truth with the public. Barbara, honey, nobody believed it was from Pilates and eating vegetables. We could all imagine that Big Gay Al drove Star to her gastric bypass surgery after she bought him a speedo at Boys-R-Us.

I mean, really.

We get it, Babs. You kept her secret. No biggie. I keep the secret that I know one Mrs. Mary Kennedy-Hall because I don't want the paparazzi hounding me, or People begging me to talk Mary and her husband into giving them the exclusive first photos of their 2nd child. I will, however, give an interview to the more reputable OK! or The Enquirer. Call me!

Uh, yeah. So, Star is not having any of Barbara's confessions. She gave an interview to Us where she responded by saying, "It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters in the sunset of her life is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book." Retract those claws and find yourself a new gay on Fire Island, Star. Babs will have you cut up and dumped into the Pacific!

I do like how she manages to throw in the word "icon" and the phrase "sunset of her life." Translation: You are an old, well-known bitch and I hate you and your multiple facelifts!"

Please. You know Babs has had work done, too. Which actually makes her confession about Star all the more ridiculous.

Mingling Moms need to lay off the crack pipe

That is the organization that named Dina Lohan one of Long Island's Top 20 Moms.

What now?

Dina Lohan? For real? Ummm.....raised her children in an unstable environment with equally off-his-rocker father. Check! Burned through Lindsay's The Parent Trap money. Check! Turned a blind eye when Lindsay began drinking/drugging/wearing hideous outfits/tearing up lawns while driving drunk/hanging with Samantha Ronson/ignoring an intervention by Tina Fey and other SNL cast members. Check! Believes she is someone with intelligent ideas that deserves her own talk show. Check! Loves to fake bake. Check! Is willing to pimp out other children for reality show on E! Check!

Yeah, good one, Mingling Moms. Go back to huffing during a diaper change at your next meeting.

Asses.

Round up and The Hills

I've been busy trying to find John Krasinski while he films a movie in CT, so I haven't had time to update. Stalking is a full-time job, afterall. Here is a quick round up of some recent Hollywood haps:

Maria and Nick Cannon did marry. No prenup, but I'm sure it will last until Mariah decides to look for rainbows by herself.

Scarlett J. and Ryan Reynolds are engaged. Alanis must be pissed!

Star Jones and Dwayne Wade are "just friends." I'm "just suspicious."

The Office's Angela Kinsey had a baby girl on Saturday.


And now, on to The Hills recap, entitled "Why Lo, why?"

Even though I'm still partially scarred from seeing the outfits Heidi and Spencer wore to this past weekend's Kentucky Derby, I'm going to man up and discuss all the happenings of tonight's episode anyway.

Brent Bolthouse's eyebrows deserve their own show. They'd become stars!

Lo better put on those aviators before she graces us with another one of her stank looks. That wasn't pretty.

How long will we have to wait before Audrina and Lo come to blows? If Lo and Lauren would've stuck around longer than two seconds, the recording studio equipment wouldn't have been safe during the ensuing brawl.

Stephanie has to be related to the Oompa Loompas. Her face is a bad shade of orange...not like there's a good shade.

Audrina looks so sad during this ep. But she kind of always has those droopy eyes, regardless of emotion.

In a nod to 8 year old brothers everywhere, Spencer pulls out the "I'm gonna make annoying sounds over and over again while my sister is talking in an attempt to drown out her voice and make her stop talking" move. That's always cool.

It's time for this week's session with Dr. Justin Bobby. He probably got his PhD at Scruff University.

I think I should hit up Bolthouse for a job. I'm pretty sure I can do a better job than Heidi, doing whatever it is that she does. After all this time I still can't really figure it out.

Is everyone ready for next week's finale? Will something big happen? Or will the season just fizzle out? I'll be here to find out regardless. Thanks for reading!

Mimi, is that a Hand Me Down ring on your finger?

Oh, Lambs. If this is true, someone is going to get a stiletto in the eye.

Reports have surfaced that Mariah is engaged to Nick Cannon. Who? Please, you know you saw Drum Line. Or Roll Bounce. Maybe? No? How about All That on Nickelodeon? Whatever! He's a boy. And he's marrying Mariah.

He's a dumb boy.

Not only for proposing, but for giving Mariah the same ring he gave his first fiance. Snap! Mimi will be pissed if this turns out to be true. I mean, I can see that maybe his career isn't allowing him to buy multiple rings for his multiple fiances, but this is Mimi, bitch! She'll lock you in her walk-in closet and make you organize her shoe collection. And that is just the start! Imagine how many times he'll have to watch Glitter while keeping a straight face.

Oh, Nick. Should have opted for a payment plan at Kay Jewelers.

UPDATE: Latina magazine is reporting that Mimi and Nick married yesterday on an island. Lost island? I don't think Ben would have patience for her antics. Or her multiple suitcases. Where's the smoke monster when you need it?