Stealing is the new black

I want in on this!

Louis Vuitton sent over some samples for Lindsay's Elle shoot. Well, Linds must have needed a fix, because she started shoving the samples into her bag! Coke does not come cheap, and Lindsay looks like the type to barter with her dealer. Especially if the stories about her staging paparazzi shots in exchange for cash are true. That Mean Girls money must be long gone.....up her nose!

A stylist's assistant took back most of the items, but Lindsay still managed to walk away with a few things. Louis was not having it, and this incident lead to Lindsay being dropped from consideration as the new face of Vuitton. I'm sure the coke bloat didn't help either.

Could you imagine what would happen if Brit and Lindsay did a photoshoot together? I'm thinking of starting a magazine entitled "The Addict" and letting these two wackos fight over clothes from Target. Maybe I'll even throw in a few wigs from The Dollar Store.

I doubt even Annie Leibovitz could make it work.

Science 101: Skeletons can get pregnant

Huh.

So, Nicole Ritchie is pregnant. People had been speculating for months, and she finally confirmed to Diane Sawyer that she is four months along.

(Yes, I know this is old news, but I've been watching Shark Week on Discovery and it's been very distracting(as well as terrifying and nightmare-inducing)).

Remember when Diane Sawyer had actual cred? Like, people respected her as a journalist and her husband, Mike Nichols, wanted to be seen in public with her? Think waaaaaayyyyy back. Pre-Michael and Lisa Marie. I guess it has been a really long time. Oh, Diane.

Anyway, are Hollywood people afraid of The Pill? Ever heard of condoms? Did you know they released a new version of the Today Sponge? I doubt Nicole would have been able to figure out how to use it, but at least it would have given her something to do other than have sex with nasty-ass Joel Madden. Ew. He's just....a douche with no talent? Yeah, I know. He'll make a great dad, I'm sure. Ain't love grand?

So Nicole has to spend 4 days in prison because California has some whack jobs parading as judges. What is the point? Couldn't he have demanded she sign papers promising that she will eat and gain weight for the baby's sake, instead? Seriously, I don't know how the woman stands up. She's frail! How will she carry a baby and nourish it for the next 4-5 months? It scares me to think about it.....like it scares me to think about people voluntary getting into water inhabited by sharks.

Crack-smokers, all of you!!

Where do cancer sticks double as lollipops?

In Brit's house!

Who's house? Brit's house!

What the hell am I doing? Oh, yeah. So, Life & Style is reporting that Mother of the Year, Britney Spears, asks her sons to find "mommy's lollipops" when she misplaces her smokes. Wonder what special name she has for her coke. "Boys, go find mommy's fairy dust." Yeah, that'll work.

No wonder these poor kids always look so tired.

Of course, it could also be due to their piss poor diet. Brit supposedly fills their bottles with soda and lets them eat Doritos all the time. Mmmm....remember when Cool Ranch Doritos came out? God only knows what pesticides and spices were sprinkled on each chip, but those things were good.

Right. So, the kids. Man, they have it rough. I wonder if they take care of the dog. I bet they do. You know they've learned how to clean mama's puke out of the rug. Oh, the stories they will tell from behind bars someday. They'll be the most popular kids on the block. Thanks, I'll be here all week!

If only they could learn to tie Brit's nasty weaves together and climb out a window. Good luck, boys!

Star Jones admits to gastric bypass surgery. I admit to loving ice cream.

Is anyone surprised by this?

Did she really think anyone bought that Pilates helped her lose all of the weight? Please. I do Pilates once every six months and it hasn't helped me lose a pound. Should I be doing it more often, or quitting my job to launch a full-scale investigation behind the scam that is Pilates? Hmmm......

What is even more hilarious than the Pilates lie is the lie that her husband is straight. Oh, Star! Maybe she goes by the ole' George Costanza mantra that "It isn't a lie if YOU believe it." The repulsion on Big Gay Al's face everytime they are photographed together isn't going to get this little firecracker down!

Deny, deny, deny.

You can read Star's confession in the August issue of Glamour magazine. You know Kathy Griffin will be having a good laugh over it.

Naomi doesn't burden world with strangely-named child

Naomi Watts dropped the massive child she was carrying around for the past year and named him Alexander. Phew! No Apple, Moses, Pilot Inspektor, Brooklyn, Door Stop, Bookcase, Shelf, or Subway Token for she and Liev, thank you.

Honestly, she seemed to be pregnant forever. And that belly was huge. Bigger than mine! I bet it knocked some poor, unsuspecting people out. Short people. Whatever! We count!

The verdict is still out on Liev. I mean, he was great on Broadway in Talk Radio, BUT he dated Neve Campbell when they made Scream. That means he loses points. Julia was the most annoying character on Party of Five. Pre-JLH, of course. She was always whining to her hot boyfriends about how hard her life was. Poor Justin. He deserved better. As did Griffin(who always needed a haircut).

Owen was bad, too, but he was just a kid and he had to be raised by a bunch of self-involved twits, so I really couldn't blame him(except when he went through his I'll-only-eat-white-food-phase). SHUT UP, OWEN! Claudia was whiny, come to think of it. And I didn't always like Kirsten. Charlie was hot, though. Bailey was cute, but always looked so young. Why did I watch this show? Right. Charlie was hot. Love you, Matthew Fox!

Uh....oh, yeah. Congrats to Naomi and Liev!

Maddie won't stand for haters

Maddie is so powerful, she can get people fired from movie sets for talking trash about one of her kids. YIKES!

On the set of Guy's latest project, RocknRolla, Her Madgesty overheard two crew members talking about her brood. One asked the name of her son, to which the other replied "Lucky Bastard." Put away the Haterade, crew member! Not sure if he was talking about Rocco or David, but it would fit either one. What? I love kids.

Needless to say, the dude was fired and order was restored on set.

How dumb can you be? Keep the snark to yourself when on a set with the kid's parents. Wait until you are sitting around drowning your sorrows with a pint and lamenting about how annoying that Lucky Bastard's parents are. I mean, those are the rules of snark and they are unflinchingly rigid.

The real point of this story is that Maddie was on the set of Guy's movie. Uh-oh. Does this mean a "comeback?" Stick to dropping beats with Justin. That is annoying enough.

I love coke and couture!

Of course the coke in your pocket wasn't your coke, Linds! I hold drugs for my friends all the time. Sometimes they are wearing pants without pockets, or dresses without pockets...OR IT'S MY COKE AND I LIKE THE FEEL OF IT IN MY POCKET. IT'S LIKE A SECURITY BLANKET WHEN I AM DONE DRINKING AND NEED SOMETHING UP MY NOSE.

Oh my gravy, as Rachael Ray says. (Does that bug anyone else?)

I liked Lindsay when she was young and innocent and even when she started to slut it up in Mean Girls. I let it slide because she had a few back-to-back hits and people were speculating her breasts were fake and I felt a little sorry for her because fame was coming at her fast. And her parents were complete fools who wanted the fame and money and didn't really care about their daughter, the new Family Cash Cow.

But enough is enough. The girl needs help. And I don't care that she's 21 years old. She's a girl. A girl with addiction problems and no one to help her.

And don't get me started on how she, like Nic Kidman, can't pull off being blonde because they are TOO PALE! What? Yes, that is a part of the problem.

Just like bad weaves and no manners are Brit's problem. I can't wait for OK! Magazine's exclusive look at the meltdown of the woman that thinks gas station bathroom floors are sanitary and beating up a car with an umbrella is no joke. Oh, Brit! Ya little bumpkin!

I don't know which cracks me up more....that she wiped her greasy hands on a couture dress(after eating fried chicken at a photoshoot), or that she used a couture dress to wipe up her dog's poop. Hmmmm......too close to call, I guess! I'm sure the stains of cheetos and red bull weren't far behind.

And now Kevin wants to sue for full custody and I want to sue them both for procreating when they clearly are too stupid to walk and chew gum at the same time. Those poor kids.

I still think if Angie is so into saving the world, she should start with those two kids! C'mon Ang!

Or, Brad and I can just raise them on Lost island. What a storybook ending.

Posh and Becks are finally here.

Did you feel the shift in the Universe? Did you feel tingly for no apparent reason? Sick to your stomach? Angry? Lethargic? Giddy?

Blame it on Vic and David. They are now in the US and controlling your every move. They are just that powerful.

Look, David Beckham is hot. Almost obscenely so. I get the hero worship he experienced in London. He was like royalty.

Then there is Posh. She was seen as the Glamorous Spice Girl that you know secretly despised the other's lack of fashion sense. She scowled and lip synched while secretly cursing Geri's over-the-top outfits and Mel B.'s wild hair. And you know she wanted to smack Emma upside the head on more then one occasion, while clearly hoping Mel C. would do it for her.

Now they have arrived in the US and are going to take over....what, exactly? Soccer will never be as popular here as it is in other countries. I mean, I'd like to count Dave's tattoos as much as the next woman or gay man, but I'm not going to spend money to see him play. I just don't care. Don't those games last forever? I think that would cut into my tv watching.

So, that leaves us with having to watch the paparazzi follow their every move while they shop, hang with Tom and Joey Potter, and prepare for World Domination. Throw in the Spice Girls reunion and you have the Perfect Storm for media saturation. And that will just annoy me and make me hate them and refuse to watch Bend it Like Beckham ever again.

That will show them!

Donna Martin is all grown up and marrying people off

Oh, Tori!

In addition to horrible actress and homewrecker, Tori Spelling can now add "Reverend" to her resume. The new mom was ordained online and married a same-sex couple at her bed and breakfast this past weekend. Congrats to Tony and Dex.

Apparently, one of the grooms performed a song and dance that was "show stopping." Martinis were named after the happy couple's favorite Broadway shows and served to guests at the reception. The gays know how to throw a party.

If I ever get married, I want to have martinis named after all of my fake tv and movie boyfriends. That will show my new husband that although I love him, I love my fake boyfriends even more and am really just settling. And that's what marriage is all about, right?

And, no, I will not have Tori performing the ceremony. I'm holding out for Doherty.

So much to talk about!

It's been forever since I've written, and I know the few people that read this have turned to booze and pills to cope. Put down the martini and lay off the Vicodin, everyone! Or, don't. Whatever.

So much has happened in the past few months. Let's recap:

Paris went to jail. Left jail. Went back to jail. Left jail. Strutted past the paparazzi en route to her idiot mother and went home to chase her dog around the yard. Wow. She is now taking acting and singing lessons. Time to move to Canada!

Amy Winehouse and Lily Allen came to the US and drank themselves silly. Occasionally they promoted their albums. Oh, girls! Put down the cocktails and stop pissing off your fans by cancelling shows at the last minute. And, Lily, you are not fat. People who say that you are have self-esteem issues and like to take it out on other people. That's probably why I'm such a hater! Amy, wash out your beehive and keep yourself out of rehab until after I come to LA in September.

Lindsay went to rehab! Britney went to rehab! I contemplated going because these rehab centers looked like spas and I've never been to a spa!

Brit attacked a car with an umbrella after shaving off her hair. Seemed logical. She now spends her days wearing hideous outfits and bad weaves. And I bet if you asked her how her children are, she wouldn't remember having any. It's all that red bull and cheetos. They screw with your mind! Life is hard, y'all!

Rosie left The View. My mother is still mourning.

Alec Baldwin left a heart-warming message on his daughter's phone. That's what family is all about. He guaranteed that Ireland will either strip or become an addict. Of course, who's to say she can't do both?

In tv news, 24 ended an awful season, Ted and Robin broke up and Lilly and Marshall married on How I Met Your Mother, things happened on Grey's Anatomy(but I was too pissed off to care), Charlie died and Jack and Kate met up after being rescued from the island on Lost(and what was up with the poor lighting and layers of makeup on Evie during that scene? Who did she piss off in the makeup department to look like a clown?). AND, the most important event of the 2006-20007 tv season was that Jim finally asked Pam out on The Office(suck on that, Karen! May you, and your ill-fitting clothes, find happiness on FOX).

Movies? Well, Knocked Up was released and one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. No, seriously. It was really funny. Izzie Stevens didn't annoy me! I was shocked. Seth Rogen was great and Paul Rudd proved, once again, how fantastic he is. Call me, Paul! I mean, uh, good job!

Most recently, I saw License to Wed. Is it the worst film ever made? No. But, it's not great. John Krasinski is the only reason to see it. And now my mother is a fan. The line forms behind me, Mom!

I know I'm leaving things out, but my memory isn't what it used to be. Pass the red bull.

Someone needs a "Who's the Boss" reunion STAT!

Alyssa Milano is doing commercials for VEET hair remover.

Oh my.

Obviously, that Charmed money did not get invested wisely. Maybe Tony Danza can throw her a few bucks. I think he's doing The Producers. And I just saw Judith Light on Law & Order: SVU last week. Where's Mona? Or the kid that came out after the show ended?

I hope I'm not going to have to organize a telethon myself. That is so something Danza should do.

Just Like Hell

The Cure are dead to me.

Robert Smith is going to do a duet with Ashlee Simpson on her upcoming album. I grab the nearest sharp object and jam it into my eye.

This is straight up b.s.

The Cure were a big deal to me when I was in high school. They were moody and strange and completely cool. Robert wore eyeliner and had crazy hair and was more pale then I was.

Now, they suck(yes, I include the entire band in my hatred of Robert's decision). Sorry, guys!

I bet Papa Joe had something to do with this. Can't he leave well enough alone? Gah.

Oh, Alanis

She's gone and covered "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. It's slow and haunting and ridiculous because of those silly lyrics.

Kudos, Alanis. Breaking up with Ryan Reynolds caused you to gain a sense of humor.

The video is very funny. The bangs she's sporting are just as scary as Fergie's.

Ms. Alanis has certainly come a long way since You Can't do That on Television. Although, honestly, she'll never be as big as Robin Sparkles.

Office marathon

I love NBC. For this week.

They are giving the world 5 episodes of The Office this week. Why? Because the show hasn't been new in FOREVER and Kevin Reilly and Greg Daniels are tired of getting my angry letters and emails. Well, excuse me gentlemen!

This show is so great when Karen isn't in it. That is the real lesson of the marathon. Sadly, she is in the last one, but I refuse to watch it. So there.

Just saw the trailer for Evan Almighty. Ummmm......I'm not feeling it. I still love you, Steve!

Gwen, please

What is Gwen Stefani doing on American Idol?????? Girl, don't even.

Gwen has been mentoring the kids this week, and will perform with Akon on tonight's results show. I think it's the results show. Oh, who gives a crap? It's on practically every night of the week. Maybe someone will be voted off, maybe not.

Ryan and Paula will still be there, and that is a real tragedy.

Anyway, Gwen has disappointed me. She's better then this. Or, she's not, and all the hatred I had when she stole Gavin from me was warranted. Feel my rage, Stefani!

It wasn't meant to be

I was in Vegas this past weekend, and so was K-Fed. Huh??? How did we not cross paths? I'm pissed. Actually, I'm more pissed because I missed meeting Shar Jackson. I've got some questions for her....like, "did you know Brandy was a bad driver when you worked on Moesha with her, and WTF did you see in Kevin?"

Katie Couric has nothing on my interview skills. Obviously.

Cam is as nasty as I imagined

I always thought Cameron Diaz looked dirty. Now I have proof that she is. I want a prize. Something chocolate and something redeemable for cash will do. Make that 2 prizes.

Cam was recently quoted as saying that she wears an outfit for four days and then never wears it again. And she means four days in a row. Great googly moogly. Girl is crazy!

Oh, but don't worry. She does say she changes her underwear. How often, no one knows? Left that part out, didn't you Cammie? Yowza. And ew.

I bet she smells like one big cloud of pot and b.o. And yet she still gets guys. Go figure.

A few things

There is a lot going on, so let's get right to it:

Uma Thurman may be remarrying. I want to care, but apparently she and Ethan are on good terms and he will be attending the wedding. So now I'm just bored.

Tori Spelling gave birth to a baby boy: Liam Aaron. Congrats. With the size Tori was, I expected her child to be at least 12 pounds. He wasn't. Oh, and her husband still looks shady. And greasy.

Britney is drinking a lot of soda while in rehab. I think it's funny that this information was leaked. Even more funny? I'm amused by it. At least she seems to be off the Red Bull. That is really what caused her to jump into a few different rehabs. Well, that and the alcohol and drugs.

Angie adopted again! She's the best. The best bitch! She stole my man. In all seriousness, I think it's wonderful that she adopted another child. I just hope Shiloh doesn't get a complex as the "one of these things is not like the others." Brad, take extra care of her.

Finally, March Madness is here! And by that, I mean I'm still going crazy over most of my shows in reruns.

Rachel looking for work at Central Perk

Wednesday is a great time to rhyme.

Oh my gosh! I'm on fire.

Ahem.

So, Jennifer Aniston may be moving to New York city so she can "start over" and "meet men."

Ummmmm......bitch, please. The starting over part I can understand. But, how hard is it for her to meet men? She's attractive(I guess), she's got tons of cash, and....ummmm.....well, she does have nice hair and cash. Oh, and she starred in Leprechaun. Although, honestly, Warwick Davis owned that movie and she had her old nose back then. And wore jean shorts with a leather jacket if I remember correctly, so maybe that's not something to brag about.

Wow. March reruns make me cranky and I'm taking it out on a woman who shares my name. Well, guess what? TOO BAD.

She has the luxury of wanting to move to New York and affording something beautiful and luxurious and ridiculously overpriced. If I wanted to move to New York, I'd end up having to move in with at least 3 other people for a room no bigger then a closet and have the smell of urine greet me in the lobby everyday.(Too overdramatic?)

Good luck, Jen. And don't even think about dating a Yankee.

He goes from bad to worse

Nasty.

Jude Law spent some time with La Lohan at "The Box" in NY recently. I think it's a club. Or bar. Or some place with lazy owners that couldn't be bothered to come up with a real name.

Jude, you are slummin'. What happened to the Jude I knew and loved? The one that would grace a magazine cover and cause me to debate whether I could afford to buy that magazine and do my laundry. And buy a pint of Ben and Jerry's. I want my money back, Jude! Especially for the Vanity Fair and Details, because they are a rip-off!

It was bad enough when you were hanging with Sienna, and screwing your nanny, but THIS? Firecrotch? Really????

Is recently-out-of-rehab the new, trendy way to meet men? I'm still stuck on thinking online dating is wonky. I guess I should start buying crack.

I'll let the braids slide

Because she's Keri Russell, and she's pregnant, and she's Felicty Porter. Hey!

Sadly, she looks to be in better shape then me. And I'm fine with that. Really.

*sobs*

Ben, hold me.

Izzie better get over herself

Katherine Heigl is pissed and everyone is going to know about it!

She isn't getting as much money as her co-stars on Grey's Anatomy. Well, I guess I would be pissed too.

Too bad they can't get paid by how annoying their character is. She'd be the richest person, EVER. She could buy and sell Bill Gates 100 times over. My gosh, Izzie sucks.

Touchstone released a statement which pretty much says that they own her for six seasons, and if she thinks about taking this to court they'll stick Jackie Chiles on her ass. Now that I would pay to see.

Katie released a statement of her own saying that Touchstone can suck it and that like the Queen of Soul, she too wants some R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

I hope she saved well during her Roswell days, because I can't see her creepy fiance, Josh Kelley, paying for her legal bills. I can see a trip to get his brows waxed before they get married, though.

If I didn't know any better, I would wonder if this sudden hissy over money wasn't to drum up some publicity for her movie Knocked Up. However, I do know better. The movie doesn't come out until June 1st.

Best of luck to you, Katie! And by that I mean let Izzie die in a May sweeps episode when the ghost of Denny gets bored and decides to take out her heart. That'll show her!

AA makes me happy

Nothing says "I'm ready for some help" like a wig and a belly-exposing sweater.

Oh, and don't forget the snazzy boots!

Frisco Jones and Richie's ex

Oh my gravy!

Yes, that is the dumbest thing I've ever said and I blame Rachael Ray because she says it all the time. And it's just so annoying that I had to share. I really can't stand her.

Anyway, this is big news. Jack Wagner and Heather Locklear went to the Dreamworks Night Before party on Saturday. Together. The former Melrose Place co-stars showed up holding hands. In public.

Now, I used to have a huge crush on Jack Wagner when he was Frisco Jones on General Hospital. In retrospect, it isn't one of my better crushes. He sported some seriously weird hair and his clothes were always way too bright, but he sang cheesy love songs and fell in love with Felicia, and since Luke and Laura were off the show I was desperate for a new "It" couple. Don't judge me!

Since leaving GH, he's hopped on to another soap....I want to say a CBS soap. Yeah, that sounds right. Not sure if he's still on, because I don't watch CBS soaps. They always seemed so low-budget to me. And this is coming from someone who watched Marlena become possessed by the devil on Days of Our Lives. Who am I to judge? Well, ME. That's who!

Jack and his GH co-star, Kristina Wagner, ended up getting married. Then she had a nervous breakdown and had to leave the show. Or she left the show before they got married. I'm fuzzy on the details, but I think he cheated on her and she left to freak out for a while. Wagner had some kind of power back then. I probably would have freaked out too. He sang "All I Need" for goodness sakes! And I believe I owned the 45 of that song because I was just that lame.

So, here he is canoodling with Heather at this big party and I come to find out he and Kristina filed for divorce in 2005. Well, in my mind, Frisco and Felicia are still together and he's still a detective(or maybe a police officer)and she's still annoying and talks in a weird little girl/druggie voice. It's the only way I can go on!

I wonder what David Spade thinks about this exciting turn of events.

But it felt more like 4 years

Wow. The Oscar's were longgggggggg. Too long. Please cut out those horrible awards that no one cares about.

I know that's a terrible thing to say but I can't help it! I know the sound people and costume people work just as hard(probably more so, let's be honest)as the actors, but can't those awards be given out the night before? I know. I'm selfish. I want the show over in 2 hours like the SAGs.

*My gosh, 24 was boring tonight*

Anywho, I am so thrilled that Alan Arkin won for Little Miss Sunshine. Well-deserved, Arkin! I know everyone thought Eddie Murphy was going to win(including Eddie), but I'm sure he'll get another chance with Daddy Daycare 2. Can't wait!

Congrats to Helen, Jennifer, and Forest. I am still charmed by Forest weeks after his hosting duty on SNL. Who knew he could sing? I didn't. Seems like a genuine person that enjoys what he does. I'm neither of those things, so it's impressive to see someone who is.

Congrats to little Marty Scorcese. Good for you, Marty! Those eyebrows are really thick, aren't they? Hilarious. Did you see Mark Wahlberg(who looked GREAT)whistling like a fiend when Marty went on stage? So classy.

You know who else looked great? George Clooney. I'm not a huge fan of the slick hair, but he seriously just gets better-looking with age.

Hands down, the Best Dressed Woman of the night was Reese Witherspoon. She looked fierce. Like, "kiss my ass and have fun with your skank, Ryan" fierce. The dress worked. The hair worked. It all worked. I've never felt that I've had one of those moments, so I don't know what that feels like. I remember liking my Garanimals back in the day, and since all you had to do was match the animal tags, it was pretty fool-proof. Maybe that was my fashion moment and I didn't even realize it! Crap.

Ellen did a fine job. I mean, the opening documentary of a good number of nominees wasn't as exciting as a Billy Crystal opening number, but whatevs. Ellen said it was a dream come true for her, and she should be proud. Nothing edgy and there was no picking on anyone(damn), but she made people laugh.

Speaking of making people laugh, Gwyneth Paltrow should get her own sitcom. Once again she proved what a bitch she is and it always makes me howl. I don't have to do any work, Paltrow. Your bitch face does it all for me. Thanks!

Worst Dressed of the night? Oy. Well, I didn't like the following: Anne Hathaway, J.Lo, Penelope Cruz, Nicole Kidman, Gweneth, and Kelly Preston. Meryl didn't look great, either, but I love her and am always willing to give her a pass. SUE ME.

Oh, and no Rachel McAdams with Ryan Gosling. He apparently told People Magazine that she was working, but I like to believe they split up. At least that's what I'll tell anyone who asks. And I really don't know who would, so, YOU'VE heard it here first.

I feel so independent!

Loved the Independent Spirit Awards this year.

Love her or hate her, Sarah Silverman hosted for the 2nd straight year and I thought she did a great job. She's a raunchy, pasty little girl.

Congrats to Ryan Gosling for winning Best Actor. He knows he isn't going to win tomorrow night at the Oscar's, even joking that he has a lot of money riding on Forrest Whitaker. Don't we all, Gosling. Don't we all. Oh, and Rachel McAdams was not there with him. Hmmm.....do I smell a break up? We'll see if they walk the red carpet together tomorrow evening.

A big congrats, as well, to Alan Arkin, screenwriter Michael Arndt and husband and wife team Johnathan Dayton and Valerie Faris for winning Best Supporting Actor, Best First Screenplay, and Best Director for Little Miss Sunshine. The film also took home the Best Picture award. Suck on that!

Kudos to Minnie Driver for singing one of the parody songs for one of the best picture nominees. Those are always fun, and I wish they would do the same at the Oscar's. That show needs a good parody after the opening monologue. Maybe it would help me to not fall asleep waiting for the good awards to be announced.

Oh, and this year's "How the f*** was that person invited to the ceremony but I wasn't" award goes to Taylor Dayne. She was popular 20 years ago! They may as well have invited Stacey Q to sing one of the parodies.

Snorting coke, SNL-style

Brit is still in rehab, so I'm moving on to a blind item about an SNL star that likes to snort coke at the after parties.

Hmmm.........

Well, I refuse to believe it's Amy Poehler. She's thin, but she's too cool for coke. And too naturally funny. I mean, I don't know her personally, but I like to think she is as funny in real life as she is on the show. I read a print interview with her and she was hilarious. That counts! And she's married to Gob Bluth. I mean, that proves it! Proves what, you ask? I have no idea.

Little Amy story: when my sister and I were on our way to see Ms. Keri Russell in the off-Broadway play Fat Pig, I thought I saw Amy on a street corner talking on her cell. So I turn to my sister and say, "That's Amy Poehler!" My sister was like, "Um, we're doing 70+ in this cab, how could you tell?" Well, I know. It was her. Maybe.

Daryl Hammond? Nah.

Keenan? No way. Doesn't coke make you really thin?

I don't think it's Maya. Granted, she did have a nasty case of bed bug infestation in her new apartment last year. That would send me to drugs. And booze. And I think I would cry for hours on end. I once thought I had bed bugs in my apartment. I was consumed with cleaning and almost bought a new mattress. Instead, I just hired an exterminator. Cheaper!

Maybe it's Andy Samberg. He did come up with "Laser Cats" and "Lazy Sunday."

Tune in to see her leg fly off!

Heather Mills is one of 11 celebrities on the new season of Dancing with the Stars. But she's the only one with a fake leg. Special!

The soon-to-be ex of Sir Paul will strut her stuff on the 3rd season, which premieres on Monday, March 19th. Mark those calendars and swing those prosthetics!

Along with Heather, you'll see Billy Ray Cyrus, Ian Ziering, Laila Ali, Vincent Pastore, Apollo Ohno, Paulina Porizkova, Clyde Drexler, Joey Fatone, 2004 Miss USA, Shandi Finnessey, and Leeza Gibbons. Beyond D-List all the way!

Other then the possibility of Heather's leg flying off and hitting Samantha Harris in the head(please let this happen!!!!), the other big story will be whether or not two-time winner Cheryl Burke will be able to take Steve Sanders from the halls of Beverly Hills High and make him a dancer. She has her work cut out for her.

I mean, he's no David Silver.

Carol Channing in rehab

Or Ms. Spears. But that Dollar Store wig she threw on her big bald head the other day reminded me of Carol. Sorry Carol.

Apparently, Brit's dad convinced her to check into Promises. Uh-oh. That place looks like a resort to me. Granted, I don't vacation much, but Malibu is quite lovely and I'm sure the inside is much more swank then the Comfort Inn in PA or the Marriott Hotel in Stamford, CT. Just a hunch.

I do wish Brit the best because she has two children to care for and a comeback album to record. She's got a full plate, and she shouldn't be wasting time puking in limos and shaving off her extensions. Isn't that what she did? I didn't think her real hair was that long.

And that I think about the length of Britney's hair proves that this has been a horrible February sweeps! You hear me, Greg Daniels?!?!

Acute case of the crazies

Oh, Brit.

The little cheese doodle done shaved her head.

Justin, it's time to take your dick out of the box and help your ex. She's two Red Bulls away from throwing herself off the nearest ledge, y'all.

Even though one of my brothers thinks she's just getting ready for her role in the next Aliens sequel, I think it's time that someone steps in and takes her kids away from her. Scare the girl straight and help her pick out a nice wig. Enough is enough.

Remember the good ole' days when it seemed the worst decision she made was opening NYLA? That seems so long ago.

Felicity's child will not be a bastard

And that's because Ms. Keri Russell got married yesterday.

Kind of gross to do it on Valentine's Day, but whatevs. I love Keri and I love Felicity and anyone who said the show sucked or that she looked ridiculous with short hair or believed those asinine stories about the ratings dropping because she cut her hair can SUCK IT.

So, yeah, Keri will give birth this summer and I'm sure the child will be stunning. I hope it's a girl so she can have her mother's glorious locks. I imagine if she has a boy his hair will be like James Tupper's(the incredibly good-looking guy that left his wife for Anne Heche). So, bottom line is that Keri Russell's child will be gorgeous.

Now, if she had a child with Scott Speedman, it would be the MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY IN THE WORLD. EVER. Yes, even more beautiful then Shiloh.

And all this talk of beautiful people and their beautiful babies is depressing me. Time to read about Jon Bon Jovi hating on Denise Richards. Because, really, can you blame him?

Grammy wrap-up

I hate Mondays.

Now, on to the Grammy's!

So, I missed The Police opening the show. I thought they would save them for later. I was wrong. Heard their version of "Roxanne" on the way home tonight. It sounded good, but Sting obviously can't hit the high notes anymore. I blame Trudy.

The Dixie Chicks won all 5 awards they were nominated for, and it was quite clear they were surprised the most by their Best Country Album win. You know Natalie Maines was one sip of beer away from screaming "Suck on that, Country Music Association! And I still hate you, Prez!" Congrats, Chicks. And Natalie, I'm loving the new hair color.

Justin Timberlake did this really annoying thing with a hand-held video camera during one of his performances. Look, I don't like when Bono gets up in the camera during a concert, so I'm certainly not going to put up with Justin doing it. And how interesting that Ms. Scarlett Johansson was in the audience last night. When I think music awards, I don't think ScarJo. Still denying that she's seen Justin's penis. She has.

Mary J. Blige brought down the house and picked up a few trophies as well. Congrats, Mary. And she was definitely one of the best dressed of the night.

Carrie Underwood also looked very good. She was pretending she was hosting the Oscar's and changed her outfit a few different times. I really liked her version of "Desperado." And congrats for winning Best New Artist.

You know who didn't look good? John Mayer. I know this is a sign of age, but it bugs the crap out of me when guys wear suits with sneakers. Just stop. You look like a douche. Even Duckie wore buckle shoes to the prom in Pretty in Pink. Get it together, Mayer. And cut your hair.

Best Dressed Male is going to Ludacris. Loved those sunglasses! I also liked what Seal wore, but then I saw his shoes. He admitted that Heidi did not help him dress(because she was in Germany), and it showed. She, and Tim Gunn, would not have let him walk out of the house with them on. Nice leather jacket, though.

And I would just like to thank Shakira for having the nerve to wear her hair all frizzy and natural. I'm with you, Shakira! Sadly, though, I don't have a good singing voice or any skill that keeps people from looking at me and just thinking that I'm too lazy to put some product in my hair. I can't help it! Gel makes me break out. So there!

RIP, Anna

This story is too much for even my cynical nature.

I just hope her little girl is well taken care of....and not by creepy Howard K.

Jessica doesn't mind Lindsay's leftovers

Not men. Movie roles.

Jessica Biel has landed La Lohan's one-time role in A Woman of No Importance. Good for you, Mary Camden!

See, Linds, this is what happens when you drink too much and snort one too many white lines. You see the inside of a "rehab center," while Derek Jeter's ex gets some bank and a movie role.

Jessica is coming off of a short-lived tryst with one Mr. Justin Timberlake, so I'm sure she's anxious to throw herself into work instead of calling Stephen Collins and asking him to pray that Justin's penis breaks off. Can I get an "Amen" Rev. Camden?

Meanwhile, Lindsay continues to party and look beat. Great job, Wonderland!

Lighting up with Keanu

You know that's what Jennifer Aniston did when she invited Keanu Reeves to her place. Then she proceeded to bitch and moan about Brangelina, scarf a bag of Lay's Sour Cream and Onion, and prank call Gwyneth. Poor Keanu never stood a chance.

Look, I'm all for celebrity hookups. Joining two names together wastes roughly 5 seconds of my work day, and it beats making copies. Kennifer, perhaps? Or maybe Raniston? Eh. Not that great.

Jen, honey, what the hell? I could see if this was back during the Speed days. Keanu was all kinds of buff and looked like he bathed on a regular basis. He reinvented a basic white tee as far as I'm concerned.

But, let's face facts: he looks gross now and his movie career is as bad as yours. Brad will not be envious of this. Unless, of course, he is a huge Bill and Ted fan, which I can totally see. But at the most, all he would want is an autographed dvd and a lesson in playing air guitar.

Oh, I'm bored with this already.

She hates everything he says, he does

Yes, I've had Ms. Carey's song, "Heartbreaker," in my head all day after hearing it on the radio last night. Stop haunting me, Mariah!

So, she's on the cover of Playboy. She doesn't go nude, but all you have to do is google photos of her at any benefit or award show and you pretty much see everything anyway. Girl hates to wear clothes that fit or cover up her fake breasts and her bajingo! Trashy.

In an interview, Mimi talks about how she thinks Eminem is obsessed with her and she can't understand why. And, no, she did not sleep with him. What? Why are you still talking about Eminem? He isn't talking about you. Next she'll be saying that Derek Jeter sends her a dozen red roses every other day and two dozen on weekends and holidays. And, if I were to find out he still harbored feelings for her, I would denounce baseball and throw myself off the bleachers at Yankee Stadium. Is that over-reacting?

Oh, and Mimi, they are called pants. Wear them sometime. And I don't mean those nasty jeans that barely cover your cooch and look painted on. Hmph!

Carry on! Away from Parsons.

Tim Gunn is stepping down as the chair of the department of fashion design at Parsons, and going to work at Liz Claiborne as a "creative dean" for the company. Congrats to you, Tim!

Thankfully, this will allow him to continue as fashion mentor on Bravo's Project Runway. That show would be nothing without Tim. Sure, you've got Michael Kors and Nina Garcia smacking down the hopes and dreams of the freaky designers, but Tim is the glue that holds their fragile minds and egos together. I mean, when Tim tells you to "make it work," you best do it. He knows fashion, okay?

And the adorable relationship between Tim and Heidi Klum needs to be immortalized on camera for years to come. Or at least until Tim pulls Heidi aside, hands her some birth control pills, and tells her to keep her knees together. I mean, she's pregnant at least once a year! Take a breather, Klum.

I thought he was gay

Apparently, Hayden Christiensen and Sienna Miller are really having sex in the movie Factory Girl. Ummmm......ok. And ew. And he's been rumored to be gay for years. So, what the hell?

When asked to comment, director George Hickenlooper said "no comment." That's a "Yes" in my book. When this movie fails at the box office and doesn't win the critical buzz he hoped it would, I'm sure Mr. Hickenlooper will be selling the "raw footage" for a pretty penny. You know Joe Francis, that Girls Gone Wild douche, will want in on distributing it.

Personally, I think Hayden and Sienna are both skank. He always looks wasted and she always looks dirty. Unless she's on a red carpet, and then she just looks fugly. I don't know why she is seen as a fashion icon in England. Maybe that's just a story she created to heal her broken heart after Jude's nanny lovin'. Of course, Victoria Beckham is photographed at every turn and her "fashion" is always a topic of conversation, so maybe the Sienna story is true. I guess an eating disorder and extensions are as popular in England as they are in America. You'll have no problem fitting in with the LA crowd, Vicks!

The most important part of this story, of course, is that the last name "Hickenlooper" exists. How fun!

Bye, Joey Potter. Hello, Pinky McAdams.

Rumors are swirling that Rachel McAdams will play the new love interest in the next Batman movie. Good for you, Rachel! You are one of the few women in Hollywood that doesn't annoy the piss out of me. And you were mean to Sarah Jessica Parker in The Family Stone, so you get points there, too.

The one thing I do ask is that you take the pink streaks out of your hair. They bug me for no other reason then I couldn't get away with that look, so no one else should. So there! And it has nothing to do with the fact that you and Ryan Gosling are beyond adorable together, and I'm sitting here on a Tuesday night watching a shitty episode of Gilmore Girls where Luke is forced to wear a hideous tie in order to show that if you live in a small town and own a diner, you can't possibly own a decent tie.

*deep breath*

No, there is no real reason why Katie Holmes couldn't be in the next Batman (other then Tom wanting to control her every move on account of him being a crazy prick). I mean, I didn't see the last movie, and I'm sure you could have replaced her with a mannequin and everyone would have just looked at Christian Bale and been happy, but is shopping with Vicki Beckham and occasionally holding your alien child in public all that time-consuming?

If Joshua Jackson ever loved her at all, he would get the old gang together and take the poor girl away from L Ron's Brainwash Mansion. And by "old gang," I mean the camera and lighting guys from Dawson's Creek, because you know James Van Der Beek wouldn't stand up to Tom, and Michelle Williams probably doesn't admit to having been on the show.

Good luck, Josh! Long live Pacey and Joey!

Kevin Smith and the SAGs

No, he didn't crash last night's award show. And he certainly won't be nominated for his acting any time soon. I saw him in Catch and Release this weekend and it took all my strength not to pull an Elaine in Seinfeld and scream at the screen. My gosh, is he annoying. Stick to directing Kev. And stop wearing plaid shorts. Gah.

No, on to better things.....like, The Office winning Best Comedy ensemble last night. Well deserved, of course. I am so thrilled that people are embracing this show(well, MOST PEOPLE). Some, who like to live in worlds where vampires and vampire slayers exist, like to live above giving things a chance.

Ahem.

So, anyway, how about The Office? It's great!

Also great? Little Miss Sunshine winning Best Picture ensemble. Take that, other nominated films. You suck! I would love an Oscar win to round out a great awards season for this movie.

As far as fashion, nude was the non-color of the night. Some knew how to work it, like Chandra Wilson and Cate Blanchett, and others did not. Yes, Heather Graham and Mary-Louise Parker. I mean YOU. Mary-Louise Parker has the scariest eyes I have ever seen. I don't remember being creeped out by her in Fried Green Tomatoes. What the hell happened??? She has doll eyes. Or maybe they were dilated right before the ceremony. Regardless, sister looked like a freak.

And Heather Graham had the nastiest-looking pair of stripper shoes I have ever seen on a red carpet. Ick.

Best dressed of the night were Mariska Hargitay, America Ferrera, and me. I was wearing a wine-colored long-sleeve tee from Target. It was my homage to Sharon Stone wearing a Gap t-shirt to the Oscar's a few years back. Or not. But it was comfortable and I didn't even need a stylist to pick it out for me!

Best dressed males were Patrick Dempsey and John Krasinski. It was so sweet of them to give me a special sign when they were on stage. I love you too, boys.

Maddie's most challenging role to date

No, not Swept Away. I'm talking about happy wife and mother.

The Mrs. dragged Guy, Rocco, and Lourdes to the UK premiere of her latest dud, Arthur and the Invisibles. Guy looked pissed off and bored, Rocco looked like he was dropped on his head one too many times, and Lourdes looked radiant. Seriously, when did she get that great hair? It was Pantene-perfect.

Maddie put on her best gap-toothed smile for photographers and most likely answered questions in that annoying faux-English accent that makes my skin crawl.

The real question, of course, is when she and Guy will split. I'm thinking by summer. Or whenever she sends Baby David back to his biological father. Because you know that isn't going to last.

Just like Maddie's movie career.

Moesha did what?

Okay, this is one of the funniest pictures I have ever seen.

What's not funny? Causing a traffic accident that results in someone's death.

Brandy was in a car accident on December 30th of last year. Her Land Rover hit a Toyota, which then hit the divider and bounced back into traffic on the 405. The Toyota was then sideswiped and the driver was killed.

My question? How can you hit a car on the 405? It's like a parking lot on there. AT ALL TIMES. How could our little Brandy gather enough speed to hit a car and send it into the divider?

I know I'm focusing on the wrong part of the story, but I can't help it.

Oh, and Brandy? You are in trouble.

There is just way too much going on

So, let's take a breath and dive right in.

We'll start with Oscar. So happy for Little Miss Sunshine. Along with For Your Consideration, it was my favorite movie of last year. How great would a sleeper win for Best Picture be? It would be, in the immortal words of Neil Patrick Harris on How I Met Your Mother, "legendary."

So sad that Beyonce didn't get a nomination for Dreamgirls. PLEASE. Poor Jay-Z is probably still hearing her bitch and moan about how an American Idol castoff scored an Oscar nomination and she didn't. Ear plugs, Jigga. Ear plugs.

Years ago, I took my sister to the Terrace Club in Stamford, CT to see Mark Wahlberg take off his shirt, show off his boxers, and sing "Good Vibrations." Yes, it was worth it. Sue me! Did either of us, much less ANYONE in the club that night, think that the douche on stage would one day be an Oscar-nominated actor? Uh, no. Congrats to Mark. He has grown up, been choosy about film roles, and will be walking the red carpet next month. Ari Gold would be proud.

The Academy does not like Brad Pitt. Maybe he's too pretty for them. Maybe they don't like Maddox's faux hawk. Maybe Aniston slept with a few of them to make sure Brad's name would be left off the Best Supporting Actor nomination list. Who knows? I wouldn't put it past her, though. Girl is going to kiss Courtney Cox in the season finale of Dirt. I smell desperation on all parties involved.

Whatever, Brad. I still love you! Call me after you put Shiloh down for a nap.

Now it's time for Isaiah Washington's 2007 Forgiveness Tour. I wonder if he'll play Mohegan Sun? Boy, is he f***ed. Checked into a residential treatment facility to undergo psychological testing. What am I missing? I know people who are homophobic. They aren't checking into rehab because of it. They are getting dirty looks from me, but I'm not packing their bags and checking them into a center(although, maybe I should). Something else is going on here. I'm sure ABC forced him to do this and to meet with members of GLAAD. I hope he learns tolerance and can truly understand the pain he has caused. Then I want his ass off of Grey's Anatomy.

Finally, Anne "Celestia" Heche's marriage is over. Rumor has it that she and her Men in Trees co-star, the incredibly cute James Tupper, are screwing around on set in Vancouver. OOOH! That's better then dropping X in the desert and waiting for the Mother Ship to bring you to your home planet, isn't it? I think so. Celestia does have a four-year-old son, but his name is Homer and he was going to be screwed up anyway. I mean, let's be honest.

Ben was not far behind

Scott Speedman was in Utah this past weekend, promoting his new movie Weirdsville, and looking hot. Sounds good to me.

Sadly, I have yet to see pictures of him and Keri together, but I'm not giving up. Even if it means getting no work done until I find them.

Oh, the sacrifice.

She should name it "Ben."

Keri Russell is pregnant with her first child and due in the summer. Aw, congrats Keri!


*Whaaaaaa*

No, it's fine. I'm okay with the fact that Scott Speedman isn't the father. Really. I'm okay.



*Sniff*


I wish Keri and her fiance, Shane, all the best.


*sobs*

Move over, Ryan and Isaiah. Gartan is back in town!

I was trying to decide whether to talk about Ryan being mad at Angie for dissing his sorry ass on the Golden Globes pre-show, or about Isaiah releasing a statement about how he's homophobic without ever using the word "homophobic."

BUT, screw both of them, because I just read about how Jennifer Garner, Victor Garber, and.....wait for it.....ready? Okay. AND, Michael Vartan had lunch at Orso yesterday.

Oh, hell no!

I can't believe it. Why? Why wasn't I invited? And why wasn't I invited?

I hate when ex's get along. It's like the world is off its axis.

I wonder if they talked about Ben? Or, maybe Jennifer apologized for her terrible acting in the last season of Alias. She gave new meaning to the phrase "phoning it in." Girlfriend looked bored. And fat. But she was pregnant, so that explains that.

I am in shock. I really liked to believe that Michael had a voodoo doll of Jennifer that he pricked every morning before taking his dog for a walk. And I liked the idea of Jennifer sitting in her living room, watching Monster-in-Law, and crying over the fact that she has a J.Lo connection with two men.

Eh, I'll still believe it. It centers me. It's like my own personal mental yoga.

Wait a minute. Maybe they weren't speaking this whole time, and their fairy godmother, Victor, demanded that they bury the hatchet. That makes sense. Oh, Vic. Ya little peace keeper!

If only one of them would call me and give me the real scoop. Bitches.

Lindsay in rehab. Finally.

Lindsay has checked herself into rehab. Thankfully, I can stop my fast.

So, should we just go ahead and assume she didn't have her appendix out two weeks ago? Maybe it was a bout of alcohol poisoning? Or maybe it was just her monthly trip to get her stomach pumped? Hmmmm......

Good luck, Firecrotch. I hope you find strength, peace, and a new liver.

Golden Globezzzzzzz

That last hour bored me.

First of all, The Office was robbed. It is the Best Comedy on television. Period.

Loved America Ferrara's speech. She was more poised then a lot of people twice her age.

Warren Beatty, please shut up. No wonder Annette was downing the champagne like it was water.

Congrats to Alec Baldwin. Completely deserving of his win and gave a very gracious speech. I'm sure Kim was puking, but I was happy for him.

I used to love Grey's Anatomy. Now, not so much. 24 is the Best Drama on television and deserved the award. And, Shonda Rhimes, I'd like my hearing back. Promise me you will never screech again. And the word "seriously" was over during your first nine episodes. But Dempsey looked G-O-O-D.

As for the fashion portion of the evening, I was surprised by how few misses there were. Vanessa Williams, you are a "few." Honey, what was with the hair? I thought it was a weave, but she said it was her actual hair. OH, Vanessa. YIKES! And should I go PETA on your ass about that fur? I should and will. Was it fake? Didn't look it to me. Tsk Tsk.

Sienna Miller. Oh, my. What was with the milk maid tribute? And that dress was just fugly.

Beyonce? No. Just no. She looked so trashy. Did Tina Knowles design that dress?

Cameron Diaz was also looking foul. I know all about the recent breakup, Cam, but please. Now is not a time for ruffles. Actually, is there ever a good time? And that lipstick was too much. Look to your friend, Drew, for how to dress for an awards show post-breakup. Ms. Barrymore looked divine....although, I have to take points off for the spray-on tan. She didn't veer into Charlize territory, but still. Pale is the new tan, Drew. Live it!

Reese also worked a post-breakup glow. I wasn't feeling the bangs at first, but she did really look good. The yellow was really becoming of her. Yes, I did think she might be a little too thin, but she's one of those people that obviously doesn't eat when she's stressed. I normally hate those people, but this is Elle Woods and June Carter Cash for goodness sakes! I'll give her a pass for now. Some pie wouldn't hurt, though. Oh, and SUCK IT Ryan! To think, last year he was getting sloshed with Shirley McClaine while Reese accepted her Globe. Now, he's......well, no one really cares now, either.

Kate Winslet, you looked stunning. So classy. I even liked Renee's dress. Loved that green. One question, Renee: where the hell are your eyes? I couldn't find them for the life of me. Oh, and she and Luke Perry went on a date last week. I wonder if Nat served them fries at the Peach Pit.

Meryl, I love you. You are classy and funny and contrary to what Jerry said on Seinfeld, you are no phoney baloney. And she always has the best glasses.

Brangelina. Hmmmm.......Brad looked AMAZING(said in a Melissa Rivers voice). Angie accessorized with a bitch face and fake lashes. My gosh, what was up her ass? I know there were no children to save, but it's okay to just kick back and have a drink every now and then. Good gracious, woman. Your baby daddy is smokin' hot and all you could do was walk around looking like someone farted in your face. Don't make me sympathize with Aniston.

So glad Ben and Jen were there. Oh, and I loved seeing Jen and J.J. chatting. How fun! GAG! I didn't like your dress, Jennifer. And you are too thin. And Ben looked.....off. Can't quite put my finger on it.

Cutest couple of the night were John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer. Although she is married, and he is most likely dating Rashida Jones, they were adorable walking the red carpet together. Love you, Jim and Pam.

Week-end wrap-up

1. Jessica Alba may be engaged.

2. Madonna still likes Rosie...but Brit? Not so much. Oh, and she's still trying to pull off that b.s. english accent. You are from Detroit, Madge. I can't believe how much this still bugs me. That, and how she lets her roots show. I do, but that's because I can't afford to get my hair colored every 8 weeks. That crazy ho has Like a Virgin money. COVER YOUR ROOTS.

3. Oprah hates my guts because she's allowing Julia Roberts to interview George Clooney for her Oscar special. Why do you hate me so, O? And isn't having a Barbara Walters Oscar special bad enough?

4. Paris Hilton is dumb.

5. David and Posh Spice Beckham are going to move to America and quickly discover no one gives a crap.

Where have I been?

I didn't know that Claire Danes and Billy Crudup had broken up! I would have thrown a party! Instead, I was probably just pretending to do work or half-listening to someone on the phone.

Now, the fun part of this story, besides the breakup, is that she supposedly cheated on him with one of her co-stars....who also hooked up with some men on set. LOVE IT!

The co-star is Hugh Dancy, and the project is a film entitled Evening. Now, I've seen a picture of Hugh, and I think he screams "queen" like you read about. Maybe he's just bi-curious. You know, like Liz Lemon's shoes.

Hmmm.....it's hard to decide which story is better - cheating on your boyfriend with a gay man or cheating on your boyfriend with someone that is possibly-bi-sexual-but-more-likely-gay? I'll take either for $400, Alex.

Well, karma really is a bitch. Billy cheated on Mary-Louise Parker with Claire, and now Claire has cheated on Billy with a Mary. It's the circle of life.

You know Mary-Louise is laughing her ass off while trying not to tell her son what a douche his daddy is. Actually, if he's spent any time with him, he probably already knows.

Get it together, Whitney

USA Today conducted a poll asking people which celebrity comeback they were most anticipating in 2007. The answer? Ms. Whitney "kiss my ass" Houston.

Hear that, Clive Davis? Slap a wig on her and get her in the studio, pronto. If Mimi can emancipate herself(and stop staring at rainbows long enough to make a hit album), then so can our sweaty Whitney.

Now, I love Crazy Whitney as much as the next person, but for Bobbi Christina's sake, I hope she can make a full recovery from her cracked-out, weaved-out, what day is it? phase.

Ms. Whitney beat out Brit, Jessica, and Tom Cruise in the poll. Man, who knew all of these psychos would need comebacks at the same time? What if they all try for a comeback at once??

Forget Global Warming. Comebacks might kill us this year! You heard it here first.

This has the makings to be horrible

And I love it!

The 2007 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees were announced today, and this might be the ugliest ceremony yet.

Van Halen, R.E.M, The Ronettes, Patti Smith, and Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five will be celebrated on March 12th at the Waldorf Astoria, and I'm hoping David Lee Roth crashes the party. Oh, the drama!

Apparently, only Eddie Van Halen, and his brother, Alex, are on speaking terms. Bassist Michael Anthony is now siding with Sammy Hagar in thinking that the brothers are asses. Where does this leave Dave? Well, he had a short-lived morning radio show, and was studying to be an EMT. Maybe he's saving someone as we speak. Or, talking them to death. Who knows?

What I do know is that I wish I was going to be in the audience that night, because I love R.E.M and think Michael Stipe is freaky enough to do a rendition of "Jump" with Diamond Dave. FUN!

Or, maybe Eddie will jump off the wagon and say mean things about Valerie Bertinelli. Either way, win-win.

The drug diet

Remember when these women were relevant? Sure, they were annoying then, too, but at least they had the decency to just piss me off. Now, I'm feeling sorry for them. It takes away time that I could be spending feeling sorry for myself.

Not cool, ladies. Not cool.

Things that are over

1. My New Year's resolution to be a patient person.

2. Emilie de Ravin's marriage. Yeah, I forgot that Claire, from Lost, was married. It only lasted 6 months. Lesson learned: don't get married.

3. The O.C. That's right. The show I never watched is ending next month.

4. Britney's days of pulling on a weave and throwing on something fugly. Supposedly, she's about to enter rehab. I'd be happier if she gave her kids up for adoption to Angie and Brad.

5. Justin and Cam. I never thought it would last this long. Oh, and I don't care.

Drinking heavily makes you tired....or something

Britney did it again. She drank a lot and wore an ugly outfit in public. Some girls just never learn.

Happy New Year, y'all!

Brit hosted a New Year's Eve party at Pure Nightclub (in Vegas) and barely made it past midnight before passing out. And, she had to be carried out by her bodyguards. OR, she left on her own accord around 1 am because she was extremely tired. These are the stories to choose from.

Regardless, the girl was wearing a bad weave and a too-short dress. And chomping on gum like a cow. Has it become so commonplace that no one wants to talk about that? I guess so.

Well, no need to fear, Britney! I will always find time to talk about your poor hair and fashion choices. It's one of my resolutions this year.

Yeah, I know. Sad.

Maybe this one will have a better name

Julia Roberts is pregnant with baby #3. Miraculously, the world didn't stop spinning.

Ummm.....yeah, so another baby. I know she had a rough time with her twins, Hazel and Phinnaeus, towards the end of the pregnancy, so I hope she has an easier time of it now.

(Yes, Virginia, even bitter people can have moments of weakness. And they are called "wishing others well.")

The baby is due in the summer, and I hope that Jules feels she can take a nice sabbatical from movies after the birth. I'm sure she will be busy trying to keep the twins from "accidentally" hitting the new kid with one of their toys, or writing on it's face with a permanent marker.

Wow. That sounds exhausting.

And who would have thought she and her husband, Danny, would still be together, much less having a third child together? NOT ME!

Score one for Horseface.

Everybody hates Patty Heaton

Well, not EVERYBODY. I mean, I don't hate her. I just don't like her. A friend of mine can't stand her. BUT, he also doesn't like the NBC version of The Office, so clearly his views aren't to be trusted.

The whole Everybody Loves Raymond phenomenon went right over my head. I guess it's because I am bombarded by my parents on a daily basis and didn't need to see it played out on television. That's also why I don't watch House. The guy is a grouch. See: my father. Live with it daily, Hugh Laurie! Don't need to see it with a click of the remote.

Now, Ms. Kathy Griffin doesn't like Patty, either. Kathy was quoted as saying she doesn't like Patty's conservative views on gays and stem cell research when she attended a charity event at the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center earlier this month. I love a good celebrity feud! Kathy told the mostly gay audience that Patty is not to be trusted because she "hates you gays." Ouch!

Kathy also doesn't like it when Her Gays stab her in the back. I'm with you, Kathy! Your Gays were just looking for a little publicity. You are better off just hanging out with Lance and his boyfriend. Patty wouldn't approve, but whatever.

Man, I hate going back to work after a Holiday. Or any day, really.

Oh, Sean

Sean Penn has a lot of rage towards the President, and he's going to tell anyone that is nearby when he has a microphone.

Sean received the Christopher Reeve First Amendment Award at the Creative Coalition ceremony and stunned an audience full of people that make a lot of money by calling for the impeachment of Bush and Cheney.

Well, why not? You know January is a generally slow time of the new year. Maybe then.

Look, Sean has gotten all political since his days of smacking paparazzi upside the head. You remember that time, don't you? It's when Maddie had dark hair and an American accent. Think back. It will come to you.

His movies haven't been huge blockbusters, and it's been a few years since he won that Oscar. I think. It was, right? Like, two years ago? Three? As much as I love the Globes, Emmy's, and Oscar's, I can never remember from year-to-year who wins what.

Well, whatever. He's an Oscar winner. And he has important things to say about our country and President. Or something.

I'm over it. Tell Robin I loved her in The Princess Bride and on Santa Barbara.

I want world peace and another drink

Tara Connor is a big ole' mess. And I love it!

The reigning Miss USA has been druggin', whorin', and drinkin' for the past several months....and people were not happy. Including Donald Trump. What a buzzkill, Donald!

He and his bad rug held a press conference today where he stated that Tara would be able to keep her crown and was going to seek treatment for her Girls Gone Wild behavior. Well okay, then! Have fun.

Look, I get it. She's from a small town in Kentucky, she wins Miss USA, moves to New York, and suddenly she's realizing that there is more to life then volunteer work and public appearances. We've all been there, Tara. I used to live the life of a beauty queen, but I started getting wasted and hanging out with celebrities. It was too much.

Now I spend my days impatiently waiting for one more person to come up to my desk and complain about the food for our Department Holiday party. It's so much more fun then underage drinking and snorting coke. Really.

Good luck to Tara in rehab. May she meet a nice therapist who will convince her not to have sex with Donald. Because, I kind of get the feeling that in addition to the rehab, that was another part of the deal letting her keep the crown.

And, just EW!

I thought I looked like crap

BUT, then I saw this picture of Renee, and I felt a whole hell of a lot better.

I like how she is trying to convince someone she only took a little hit of Botox. Silly girl.

Renee has signed on to do a movie with George Clooney entitled Leatherheads. I thought she was stalking him after their breakup, but I guess George is a forgiving guy. Or, he's just as crazy as she is.

Hmmm.....something to ponder at work tomorrow.

Golden Globes

I love the Golden Globes. I really do. They are so much more fun then the Oscar's. Don't usually go on for days, either.

BUT, they really need to change the Best Supporting categories for television. They lump series, made-for-tv-movie and mini-series together. It's ridiculous.

Three words: Krasinski was robbed.

I am thrilled, though, that The Office and Steve Carell were nominated. Steve is up for Best Actor(which he won last year, and which I had to hear my friend whine and moan about because he is a snob and still hates the American version of The Office - ass!)along with Zach Braff, Jason Lee, Alec Baldwin, and Tony Shaloub. I would love to see a repeat from Steve, who is nothing short of brilliant, but I would be happy with anyone EXCEPT Shaloub. We all know he peaked as Antonio on Wings.

Brad was nominated for Babel, and I'm not bitter AT ALL that I don't have bleacher seats for the show. Because, you know, I could walk down any street in Stamford on any given day and bump into him(or someone that looks like him). Because life is fair like that.

SUCK IT, Beverly Hills Hotel. Thanks for ruining my dream of more photo ops and sunburn. HATE!

Grief requiring a tetanus shot

Because if this is true, then God help her.

Rumor has it that Jennifer Aniston met K-Fed at Club Citrus and didn't run away.

Say it with me know: WHAT?

Honey, I know you are still in mourning over Brad preferring Angie's cookie, but please. This is reprehensible.

Stay far away from that baby maker. He is nothing but trouble. And bad fashion sense.

Maybe she just thought he was the dj and she was trying to request Maddie's "Love Don't Live Here Anymore." Poor Jen.

Look, I mourn losing Brad to Angie, too. BUT, I don't talk to nasty-ass losers with no talent. I just work with them. Thank you! I'll be here all week!

Jen, go to Courtney's house and mix up a gallon of margaritas instead. I hear her new show, Dirt is horrible. Drown your sorrows like good girls.

The result of good genes

And they named her "Shiloh."

Damn, she's cute. Has Angie's lips. Brad's wistful look.

Makes me want to have a child with Brad.....more than ever. Gah! I hate my life.

Ummm.....well, that's great. Glad she's so cute. Really. Happy for everyone.

Sigh.

Mmmm.....drugs

Nicole Ritchie's diet plan has been exposed!

First, smoke some weed. Then, pop a Vicodin. You'll be way too tired to eat. EVER.

Way to kill the munchies, Nicole! Such a smart girl.

Dummy was pulled over in Burbank early this morning when two separate 911 calls told of a driver getting on to the Ventura Freeway via an exit ramp. When police caught up to her, she was in the carpool lane, talking on her cellphone, while keeping her foot on the brake.

When you see a job description in your local newspaper looking for someone who can "multi-task," this is what they mean. I bet Nicole would make a great Administrative Assistant.

I couldn't do a thing on Vicodin when I hurt my back a few months ago. Or my neck. One of those. Of course, it was really the generic kind, and it made me more jumpy then tired, but still. I knew not to drive. Unless it was for an ice cream run. DUH.

Nicole was listed at an ample(for a child)85 pounds. I think my left leg weighs that much.

I bet if she had a convertible, she would just float right out of the car. The girl just isn't right.

Maybe this experience will get her in the studio where she and papa Lionel can record a duet. Fingers crossed, everyone!!

Maybe Paris and Brit will sing backup. Ooooh.

Hello Dolly! I'm an idiot.

This is classic.

The 29th Annual Kennedy Center Honors was held this past Sunday, and Jessica Simpson proved that reading is really, really hard.

Papa Joe's first born was to sing the Dolly Parton hit "9 to 5" in front of Dolly and 4 other artists that were being honored. According to her publicist, Jessica was so nervous to be performing in front of another blonde with large breasts, that she insisted the words be printed on cue cards(after her request for a TelePrompTer was denied). Well, cue cards it was! And she still managed to flub a line.

Zoink!

Jess was reportedly very upset and given permission to perform the song again. Thank goodness! I can sleep easily tonight.

It's a wonder the girl is able to get out of her own way. How hard is it to learn a song? She's been on tour! She's had to remember her own craptastic lyrics so she could lip sync them on stage. If she is as big a Dolly fan as she claims, she should have known this song already. Plain and simple.

GAH! She bugs.

You know what this means, don't you? Panty-less appearances in support of her breakdown are in our future.

My brothers will be thrilled.

Oops I forgot my panties!

What is with Brit Brit flaunting her cooch all over Cali and Vegas? Good Lord, woman, put that thing away! Look at the type of men it attracts.

I know its hard to remember to wear any panties when you hang out with with Paris and Firecrotch, but really! Have some dignity. You are a mama for goodness sakes.

Yes, Britney, you do have children. Well, you at least have one. I'm not sure what happened to Sean Preston after you let Paris hold him. She probably sold him for some magic beans inside of Hyde nightclub. And by magic beans, I mean crack.

Hopefully the little guy is living a much safer life now. Of course, he could dodge traffic with a coke whore all day and be much safer then he would be living with Britney.

The girl has gone crazy, I tell ya!

Let the "Sunshine" through

One of my favorite films of the year, Little Miss Sunshine, scored five Independent Spirit Award nominations today.

It tied for most nominations with the film Half Nelson, starring Ryan Gosling as a drug-addicted high school teacher that buys from his students. Edgy!

Sadly, Steve Carell, Greg Kinnear, Toni Collette, and Abigail Breslin were not nominated. They were robbed, I tell ya. ROBBED!

Happily, Paul Dano and Alan Arkin will be competing for Best Supporting Actor. Best of luck for a two-way tie.

The Awards, dubbed the "anti-Oscars" will be held in Santa Monica on February 24th(the day before the Oscars). Sarah Silverman is back as host. Love her.

True love only lasts for 4 months

Or, however long it takes for your buzz to wear off.

Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are OVER. They each filed for divorce today, just four months after getting married three times.

Oy. People are dumb.

And, has anyone seen Pammy lately? She looks like she has had work done north of her breasts. Something about her face looks different. Maybe she's just laying off the coke.

And I'm already bored with this story.

Moving on to something more interesting - RUN, DON'T WALK to see For Your Consideration. It is an absolutely hilarious spoof of Hollywood done by the amazing Christopher Guest and crew. Jennifer Coolidge steals the show as a producer. Love her.

And I'm dying to know what they did to Catherine O'Hara to make her look like she had a facelift. Too funny.

But, seriously, you don't know where that hand has been

This is getting good.

Last Friday, ClayAiken guest-hosted on Live with Regis and Kelly. During the segment where he and Kelly interviewed Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke, Gayken felt he wasn't able to get a word in edgewise....so he covered Kelly's mouth with his hand.

Say what?

Kelly visibly bristled and then responded, "Oh, that's a no-no. I don't know where that hand has been, honey."

That gets two snaps in a circle!

I don't blame Kelly for being pissed. When you are a guest on someone's show, you don't try to upstage the host. And you don't put your hand over their mouth. First of all, that's nasty. Secondly, its just plain rude. And, does Clay know where Kelly's mouth has been? No, he doesn't.

Who knew little Clay had it in him? Probably Kathy Griffin. I would love to get her take on this.

Anyway, on today's episode of The View, Rosie O. went batshit over the incident. She claimed that Kelly's remark was homophobic, and that if it had been someone else(read: someone who wasn't gay)Kelly would not have made the remark.

Oh, Rosie. Someone needs a nap.

Last I checked, Clay was still fighting the gay rumors, so its not like he's officially "out" and Kelly was horrified to be sitting next to a gay man. Also, Kelly adores local NY weatherman Sam Champion, who IS officially out, but I'm sure she would have said the same thing to him if he had pulled that crap.

I don't care if you are gay, straight, black, white, annoying, sweet, boring or old. YOU DON'T TOUCH PEOPLE LIKE THAT. Its rude. Plain and simple. Keep your hands to yourself.

And come out already, Clay. Learn from Neil Patrick Harris and Lance Bass. No one gives a shit because we've all known it for years.

And that new hair color is not helping your case, btw. It screams drag queen.

Yes, there is something wrong with that

Cosmo Kramer is a racist! Get out!

This past Friday night, Michael Richards performed at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles. After getting heckled by two African American men in the audience, he proceeded to go nuts. Like, more than Kramer did when he saw Joe DiMaggio at Dinky Donuts.

He dropped the "N" bomb like it was going out of style, and stunned everyone in attendance. The incident was caught on an audience member's cellphone, and showed Richards pacing back and forth on stage while saying things like, "Throw his ass out. He's a n*****!"

Oh, Cosmo.

Today, the Laugh Factory held a press conference saying that Richards would be banned and his behavior would not be tolerated. Everyone at Friday night's show was refunded.

I, being cynical, smell two things: a cry for help, and for publicity. I doubt Julia Louis-Dreyfus is going to ask him to guest on The New Adventures of Old Christine now.

Richards will appear on David Letterman's show tonight, via satellite, to apologize. Coincidentally, Jerry Seinfeld will be a guest.

Good for Jerry, taking care of his psychotic friends. Yikes.

Upgrades suck

They really do.

So, Blogger has upgraded its system recently, and my low budget work computer won't let me log on anymore. What does this mean? My posts will now be old news. EW! How do they expect me to work like that?

So, here is a little wrap-up of the last few days:

Mario Lopez and his perma-bitch-face partner, Karina Smirnoff, can SUCK IT! They lost to Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke on Wednesday night's exciting Dancing with the Stars finale. It was incredible. Kudos to the reigning dance champs for some truly memorable weeks of television. And I still can't believe I watch this show.

Oh, and can someone please see fit to replace Samantha Harris next season? She was barely tolerable as an E! correspondent. There is no room in network television for her and her screaming. Samantha, hon, its called a microphone. You can speak into it with normal voice volume. HATE!

Last night's The Office broke my heart and made me laugh my ass off. I love and hate so much the things that show chooses to be. Thank God Jim is back in Scranton.

And I would like to give a pre-emptive congrats to Tom and Katie, who will be marrying this weekend in Italy. GAG. So lame.

George Clooney is the Sexiest Man Alive

Well, my Mom certainly thinks so. And so does People Magazine.

George was named the magazine's sexiest male for the 2nd time, tying the record of his good friend, Brad Pitt. Congrats, George! Please don't allow Ocean's 13 to suck.

Now, I will admit that I was a little pissed when I found out Patrick Dempsey came in 2nd. And by "a little pissed" I mean "threw a hissy like Naomi Campbell."

But, after throwing my cellphone at the hired help, I realized that 2nd place is fine. I mean, it's not like I'll ever meet either one of them, so who really gives a crap? My life is so out of whack that I'm now sitting here impatiently waiting for the finale of Dancing with the Stars, so I can get more pissed off when Mario Lopez steals that ghetto-looking trophy from Emmitt Smith!

Ahem.

So, congrats to George, who really is a good-looking son-of-a-bitch. Especially compared to Ashton Kutcher, who, I mean, c'mon People! EW! What were you thinking? The boy looks like bathing went out with his last good career move. And by "career move" I mean "marrying Demi."

What? I said it.

Rocking the catsuit

It's not a look I would feel comfortable with, but Kylie Minogue worked it on stage this past Sunday night in Australia. Oh, and look at that - she brought a good looking Irish fellow on stage with her. No, I'm not jealous. Why do you ask?

Bono joined Kylie during the 2nd night of her Showgirl Homecoming Tour, and they sang a duet of her single, "Kids," to a sold-out crowd of 10,000. I wish I was there, damnit!

After being diagnosed with cancer in Spring of 2005, Kylie is back on the road and looking better then ever. She credits the support of her family, and boyfriend Olivier Martinez, with helping her through that difficult time.

Kudos to you, Kylie! I'll even forget that horrible rendition of "The Locomotion." That's the kind of mood I'm in.

All dressed up with no drink in hand

That was our favorite lush, Tara Reid, as she strutted(without stumbling)down the red carpet at the premiere of The Fountain.

The movie stars Hugh Jackman as a man trying to save the life of the woman he loves, played by Rachel Weisz. The movie spans three generations, and involves the Fountain of Youth, so I'm sure Tara tried her best to pay attention in hopes of finding its exact location.

Well, I must say that she looked less slutty and more together then she has in a very long time, so kudos to whoever dressed her for the evening.

I just hope she didn't turn into a pumpkin at midnight and think she was back on Taradise. Yikes.

Joely Richardson leaves Nip/Tuck

Sadly, its not because of the storyline that Connor turns his lobster claw on Julia in a fit of infant rage. That would have been great!

In all seriousness, she is leaving the show because her 12-year-old daughter suffers from a circulation problem in her legs and will be undergoing numerous operations over the next several months.

Joely, who normally splits her time between Los Angeles and London, will move back to London full-time to be with her daughter(who she shares custody of with her ex).

Well, I do wish her daughter well and hope that these surgeries prove successful.

Still, a part of me wishes she was leaving for more scandalous reasons....like, she was pregnant with John Hensley's baby, and couldn't stand to be around him since they've broken up(Hensley plays her son, Matt, on the show), or Dylan Walsh and Julian McMahon couldn't stand her and forced her out.

I hate when celebrities are normal. It makes me feel funny.

"Huh?" and "Well, they better have!"

So, NBC has decided to give a full season pickup to Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. So much for the cancellation rumors.

I don't like this show. I gave it two episodes, and I was out. First of all, the dialogue is horrible. Everyone comes off sounding pretentious or whiny. Or both. Spare me, Sorkin.

Second, Amanda Peet is a horrible actor. I've never found her enjoyable in anything. She has such a wooden delivery and her attempt at humor is laughable for all the wrong reasons. And, no, this has nothing to do with the fact that she did a movie with Michael Vartan. I'm not jealous! I'm just annoyed.

Third, I don't like Matthew Perry. He bugs.

Better news is that ABC has picked up Men in Trees for a full season, and is moving it to Thursdays at 10:00 starting November 30th. I know, I know. I can Anne Heche-bash with the best of them(LONG LIVE CELESTIA!), but this show is really good. It's sweet and funny and (surprisingly) it got to me after I was able to move past the first ten minutes of the pilot episode(I swear that Anne sucked on helium. My ears were bleeding).

Plus, James Tupper is hot and doesn't speak much on the show. He's perfect!

Although, this now puts him in direct competition with Mr. John Stamos on ER.

Decisions, decisions.

In the meantime, I guess this is the end for Six Degrees. I finally went with my gut and took no interest in a J.J. Abrams-produced series. I think I'm the better for it.

Rumor has it that ABC may bring it back in January, but what's the point? I'm sure there will be a new Bachelor premiering by then. YAWN.

And then there will be two

Who will get kicked off of Dancing with the Stars tonight? I have no idea, but I'm rooting for Emmitt and Cheryl to win it all. And, yes, I actually voted last night on abc.com. Sue me.

Yes, Cheryl won last season with Drew Lachey, but if anyone deserves a 2nd straight win, its Ms. Burke. She has worked her ass off this season, and has turned Emmitt into a wonderful dancer. Who knew he was capable of it? Not me.

And, I'm sorry, but what is with the constant bitch face that Mario's partner, Karina, is always wearing? Honey, please. And enough with those wigs. I get the feeling she'd be just as happy becoming the newest member of the Pussycat Dolls. Your dancing does not impress, Ms. Smirnoff. Speaking of, I could use a cocktail.

Anyway, Joey (Whoa!) Lawrence still freaks me out with his bald head. Remember how much hair he had on Blossom? Where did it all go, Joey? Makes me worried that I may be bald by 40.

I guess I'll just borrow one of Karina's wigs.

*BREAKING NEWS*

Britney has finally woken up and smelled the Cheetos! Our favorite little mental mom has filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences. Like, I have money, and you can't even sell out Webster Hall! Oh, snap, y'all!

So long, K-Fed. It was horrible knowing you and I pray you shut the hell up for good.

Its time to turn away from all the entertainment shows, as they will milk this for all its worth. I hope Mark Steines can follow up his exclusive Anna Nicole interview with a K-Fed sit down. GAG.

Well, all I can say to Brit is "Good for you, ya little bumpkin!" Maybe she can finally get her life together. I wonder if Justin will call with congratulations? Not if Cam has anything to say about it.

I just hope those poor kids don't get a hold of Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. Haven't they suffered enough?

Maybe she just hates American Idol

That could be why Faith Hill lost it last night at the Country Music Awards. She lost to AI winner Carrie Underwood for Female Vocalist of the Year. Ouch!

Now, I haven't seen the video of Faith's freakout(thanks for nothing, low budget work software)but I hear it is hilarious. Think hands in the air, mouth dropping, and storming off backstage. Priceless!

Now, I'm not a big country music fan. I do like my Dixie Chicks, but I could not sit through an entire awards show(besides, they weren't even there)of people I don't know, listening to music I don't particularly care for. Besides, it was on a Monday night, and Heroes is on!

I can't wait to get home and see this less-then-proud moment from Faith. I think its hilarious that all of these stars give the b.s. about it being an "honor to be nominated," but as soon as they lose, their true colors come out.

Or, maybe she was really just pissed off at Keith Urban for going into rehab and ruining her chance to meet Nicole Kidman.

Okay, I've seen it: I think it was staged. Like, she over-reacted just a little too much. Still, coming out now and saying it was a joke, Faith? Hmmm......you knew that kind of reaction would get attention, so....wait...maybe the joke is on me. Because, seriously, I just blogged about Faith Hill.

What a minx!

Gwen, Doogie, and Mary Jane

Just a few random thoughts:

Gwen Stefani's new song, "Wind it Up," is horrible. I've never been a fan of yodelling, so there is the first strike against it. I'm pretty indifferent when it comes to "sampling," but I feel that Julie Andrews is bleeding from her ears as I type. Oh, Gwen. Was this Pharrell-approved? I feel it wasn't.

Poor Kingston probably covers his little ears when this is played.

Next, Neil Patrick Harris is gay. That "toot" you hear is my horn. Please. This was too easy. Love that his publicist said last week that "he is not of that persuasion." Hmmm.....maybe they meant vegetarian. Love ya, Neil! He is absolutely perfect playing a womanizer on How I Met Your Mother. Pure brilliance.

Finally, Kirsten Dunst is so annoying in Elizabethtown, that I question how I'm going to sit through her scenes in the next Spiderman movie. MY GOD, she was horrible. Yes, I know I'm late to the party, but I just watched it last week and am still traumatized. What was Cameron Crowe thinking???

Between her being the most annoying airline attendant EVER, and her need to take pictures with an invisible camera, I thought my head was going to explode from all the quirkiness. And don't get me started on how little chemistry she had with Orlando Bloom. Just awful.

Oh, and Kirsten, they're called bras. Wear one.

Someone needs a smack

As if I didn't find Kanye West utterly annoying already.

Last night, at the MTV Europe Awards, he bum rushed the stage when his video for "Touch the Sky" lost Video of the Year to some duo no one has ever heard of.

PSYCHO! Seriously, take a Vicodin.

It's fine to be bitter when you lose to Justice and Simian(like I said, never heard of them), BUT, keep it together when you are in a room full of people. Wait until you get home to stomp around like a fool and burn all of your copies of Ray(You know he got sick of Jamie Foxx, too.)

Here is the list of reasons he gave why his video should have won: It cost a million dollars, it had Pamela Anderson in it, and he jumped across canyons.

If he had put The Hoff in it, then he'd have a point.

SHUT UP, Kanye!

The only way I would have accepted this display of idiocy is if, when rushing the stage, he had run smack into Justin Timberlake and knocked him on his ass.

I guess there is always next year.

Stop the insanity!

Why on earth does anyone want to re-make the movie Working Girl????? And why is Jessica Simpson considering taking on the last good role of Melanie Griffith's career???

This is such a bad idea. Have studio executives learned nothing from The Dukes of Hazzard and Employee of the Month?

Because I have. And I didn't see either movie!

JESSICA SIMPSON CAN'T ACT. EVER. Like, even as a normal person.

I think the only reason people(supposedly)found her so charming on Newlyweds is because Nick balanced out her asshatery(yes, that is a word). Tuna or chicken? HA! Except, no. The only funny thing about that scene was Nick's look of horror at what an idiot he married.

Yeah, I know she claims that playing dumb is all an act, but look at Ashlee. She is just as much of an idiot in interviews.

Its definitely in the genes.

So, I'm hoping that someone will put a stop to this remake as soon as possible. I mean, there are already so many horrible ideas floating around out there.

Yes, Rob Zombie, I am looking at you and your "retelling" of Halloween. Kill me.