It's been forever since I've written, and I know the few people that read this have turned to booze and pills to cope. Put down the martini and lay off the Vicodin, everyone! Or, don't. Whatever.
So much has happened in the past few months. Let's recap:
Paris went to jail. Left jail. Went back to jail. Left jail. Strutted past the paparazzi en route to her idiot mother and went home to chase her dog around the yard. Wow. She is now taking acting and singing lessons. Time to move to Canada!
Amy Winehouse and Lily Allen came to the US and drank themselves silly. Occasionally they promoted their albums. Oh, girls! Put down the cocktails and stop pissing off your fans by cancelling shows at the last minute. And, Lily, you are not fat. People who say that you are have self-esteem issues and like to take it out on other people. That's probably why I'm such a hater! Amy, wash out your beehive and keep yourself out of rehab until after I come to LA in September.
Lindsay went to rehab! Britney went to rehab! I contemplated going because these rehab centers looked like spas and I've never been to a spa!
Brit attacked a car with an umbrella after shaving off her hair. Seemed logical. She now spends her days wearing hideous outfits and bad weaves. And I bet if you asked her how her children are, she wouldn't remember having any. It's all that red bull and cheetos. They screw with your mind! Life is hard, y'all!
Rosie left The View. My mother is still mourning.
Alec Baldwin left a heart-warming message on his daughter's phone. That's what family is all about. He guaranteed that Ireland will either strip or become an addict. Of course, who's to say she can't do both?
In tv news, 24 ended an awful season, Ted and Robin broke up and Lilly and Marshall married on How I Met Your Mother, things happened on Grey's Anatomy(but I was too pissed off to care), Charlie died and Jack and Kate met up after being rescued from the island on Lost(and what was up with the poor lighting and layers of makeup on Evie during that scene? Who did she piss off in the makeup department to look like a clown?). AND, the most important event of the 2006-20007 tv season was that Jim finally asked Pam out on The Office(suck on that, Karen! May you, and your ill-fitting clothes, find happiness on FOX).
Movies? Well, Knocked Up was released and one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. No, seriously. It was really funny. Izzie Stevens didn't annoy me! I was shocked. Seth Rogen was great and Paul Rudd proved, once again, how fantastic he is. Call me, Paul! I mean, uh, good job!
Most recently, I saw License to Wed. Is it the worst film ever made? No. But, it's not great. John Krasinski is the only reason to see it. And now my mother is a fan. The line forms behind me, Mom!
I know I'm leaving things out, but my memory isn't what it used to be. Pass the red bull.
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