A Time For Reflection

What a year! Oh, 2008, you really kicked my ass. You were EXHAUSTING. But, there were definitely moments that made me glad I hadn't idolized the Menendez Brothers and ended up in jail.

With that, here's a look back:

Jim and Pam got engaged. FINALLY. Oh, so coy, writers. After four seasons, our favorite office workers got engaged at a gas station. And, somehow, it worked beautifully. Now, let's got on with the wedding.

Cloverfield made me nauseous. Seriously, it did. That hand-held camera nonsense grated after thirty minutes. And nice of Rob to endanger the lives of his friends by making them haul ass over to Beth. Oh, there's just some gigantic alien ripping NY a new one, but he needs to find Beth so he can admit he was an ass to her. Ugh. BUT, Matt Reeves and JJ Abrams gave me Felicity, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

We got a new President. Oh, yes. And he has his work cut out for him. Hope he's enjoying that vacay in Hawaii.

Angie popped out some twins. Better her then me.

Brit made a comeback. And it is still keeping. May 2009 mark a fresh start for the pop tart, starting with a few good weaves.

The economy is going down. That was a quote from a friend of mine. See what an Emerson education can do for you? Our country is a mess, but if Britney can make a comeback, hopefully we can too.

Tina Fey made a better Gov. Palin then Gov. Palin. Tina can turn anything into gold.

And with that, I wish you all a Happy New Year. May 2009 be the Year of Bluntski.

Cate Blanchett

Uh, yeah....she's awesome. Need proof?

Oscar winner, lives out of the spotlight of Hollywood, adored by her peers, wife, mother, embraces the pale, and doesn't whine about fame.

Refreshing, to say the least.

Cate graces the cover of the February Vanity Fair.

Jennifer Aniston, take note.

Tina Fey named Entertainer of the Year

The AP got it right by naming Tina their Entertainer of the Year. Well deserved, don't you think?

Tina beat out Robert Downey Jr. for the top spot, but I'm sure good ole' Rob can live with it. His Iron Man comeback was well received throughout Hollywood, and he is currently filming Guy Ritchie's version of Sherlock Holmes in London. Kudos to Rob for turning it around and getting off the drugs.

Things looked dire for him a few years back. Remember the time he found his way into a stranger's house and fell asleep in a child's bed? Yikes.

Wishing RDJ only good things in 2009.

And now I would like to take the time to wish all of my Celebrity Skewer readers a Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Festive Kwanzaa, and joyous any and all Holidays you observe.

Fingers crossed I get the Jim Halpert clone under my tree I've been wishing for since Season 1. Tick Tock, Santa.

The Hills finale

Another season of The Hills came to a close last night. Oh, and look at what Christmas miracle we have: Recapper Jessica doing her job and recapping the finale! What do you think of that?

It's the season finale of The Hills tonight. What pre-Christmas goodies did MTV bring us? To wrap up the final episode of '08, here are the top 8 moments from tonight's show:

Brent's reaction to Heidi's wedding: the pause, the stunned silence, the slight eye roll. Classic.

Justin Bobby in overalls, no shirt, on the motorcycle with the huge handlebars.

Good ol' Darlene, ready and waiting to lay the smackdown on Mr. and Mrs. Pratt.

Spencer looking like his laziness is finally equalling fattiness. That is a bloated face underneath all that scruff.

Justin Bobby coughing up a ring, literally, to give Audrina. I swear that's what it looked like to me.

Heidi's plastic face showing some emotion during her five minute reunion with Lauren. The whole interaction was awkward, and kind of sweet. But mostly just awkward.

Crackhead Stephanie being the only sane person in the courtroom. When she's the voice of reason, you're in trouble.

Spencer being the biggest drama king ever and waiting until the last minute to ask Heidi if she was okay with getting married in court. What a novel idea. I'm sure that judge was thrilled to have to deal with this three ring circus.

So, another Hills season has come to a close. Who's in for The City next week? I don't think I have it in me. Ugh, I must be getting old.

A-Rod kicked to the curb already?

Reports are surfacing that Maddie has found herself a studly young Brazilian named Jesus. Seriously.

Hmmm.....A-Rod's wandering eye get him in trouble already? Or did he show up to brunch one day without his Kabbalah bracelet? You know Maddie won't stand for either.

Now if we could only kick him to another team....Merry Christmas to ME!

What a week

John Krasinski and Emily Blunt first photos together. They shall now be known as Bluntski. LOVE THEM!

SAG noms. I really want to see Kate Winslet sweep every and all awards. Long overdue.

Celebrity Rehab finale. I will watch today as it snows and snows and snows. Ugh. Spring '09, I'm looking at you longingly.

Yanks introduce CC and AJ.

My head is spinning and I can feel the pea soup coming up. Time for a nap.

The Piv better watch himself

Oh, Jeremy Piven.

He was working it on Broadway in Speed the Plow during his Entourage hiatus. People were impressed and it was considered a success.

Now he has dropped out and flown back to LA, citing a high level of mercury in his system.

Is 'mercury' the new code for 'cocktails?' Jeremy's party hard ways are no secret in Hollywood. He loves the drink, the ladies, and a good hair piece. Will be interesting to see if this turns into something scandalous or not.

I'm sure he'll be just fine for the Golden Globes next month. Just a hunch.

J Lo and Marc Anthony over?

Are they still relevant? Were they ever?

US Weekly has J on the cover with the headline, 'The Ring is Off!' Mmmhmm.

Seems the Mrs. went to the Benji Button premiere without her wedding ring. An oversight? Doubtful. J seems too calculated for that. Especially since she looked stunning on that particular red carpet. She knew there would be paps and press and she's been in the business long enough to know how to draw some attention.

So, the question then becomes, did she send Marc a message by not wearing her ring or was she just trying to get the media talking about her?

Well played, J. Well played.

ETA: The two were spotted at dinner in NYC last night, with J sporting her rock. And I don't mean Marc Anthony!

Stay tuned.

The Hills

More hijinx from the worst "reality" on television:

Only one episode left before next week's finale. What will be the big season ender? Hmmm...until we figure it out, let's get on with tonight's ep.

The Mexican sunlight really adds a different element to the gross fuzz that is on Spencer's face.

Doesn't Lauren look a shade too Oompa Loompa?

Did you catch the car parked outside Audrina's house? It was very Ghostbusters-esque. I'm hoping it's Justin Bobby's ride, just because it would be so fitting.

Can the finale musical guest match the past live Hills event performances of Mimi Carey and Usher? Ha, here's hoping.

Brody better not get too handsy with Whitney, or Aussie NYC werewolf will have some words for him.

Spencer's proposal sounded more like a stalker note than a romantic profession of love. What a psycho.

And what girl doesn't want to down tequila shots to convince her to get married the following day? This is what dreams are made of people.

Lauren starts up with the waterworks at lunch with Whitney. She cries alot. Good thing she still has the jumbo sunglasses to cover the tears.

I can't believe that chapel didn't disintegrate the minute Spencer stepped inside of it.

Now we have to see Pratt wedding #2 next week? Ugh, spare me.

John Taylor, please don't look old tonight

I'm seeing Duran Duran tonight. Jealous? You should be!

I love Duran Duran. Sue me. They were my life in the 80s because they made weird videos and had ridiculous hair and Nick Rhodes was the first guy I ever saw wear makeup (which is probably why I didn't bat an eyelash while seeing dudes at Emerson College wear eyeliner or even wear a dress if the mood were to strike). Thanks, Nick Rhodes.

John Taylor was my favorite. Cute and played an instrument and wasn't a limelight whore (uh, Simon). So, tonight I will see him and hopefully be far enough away to not see that he has aged, a lot, which would make me feel old and cranky and remind me that I have aged, A LOT. Ugh.

Of course, I'm hoping that before the show I will win millions at a slot machine. Then I can buy a few rounds and everyone will look young and I can sit with John after the show and discuss plastic surgery.

Someone buy Jennifer Connolly a burger

Or, if she's a vegetarian like me, a few pints of Ben & Jerry's. Girlfriend is thin. Like scary thin.

She was on Letterman Monday night to promote The Day the Earth Stood Still. The minute she walked out on stage I said, "Holy s***, she's skinny." True story.

The last time she looked this thin to me was when she won the Oscar for A Beautiful Mind. She was gaunt. Her boyfriend had just dumped her (nice one, Josh Charles. Ugh.) and she looked like she hadn't slept/eaten in months.

I haven't heard rumblings of trouble in her marriage to Paul Bettany. She did, however, admit to Dave that her father had passed away recently. Perhaps she is just someone that deals with stress/grief by not eating. I hope that is it and am sorry for her loss.

I will eat enough for both of us throughout the day, I'm sure.

The Day the Earth Stood Still opens Friday.

The Hills

It's a holiday miracle! An on time recap was in my inbox this morning. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

Please pay very close attention to the 2nd sentence of this recap. Speaks volumes, doesn't it?

First of all, I plead sickness for depriving you of your weekly dose of recapping goodness last week. As for the other times I've missed a post in the past, well I just plead laziness.

DVF. It's finally time for Whitney to break out her printed wrap dresses, Diane von Furstenberg (and Whit's very own NYC-based spin off) is calling.

The Conrads are moving out of Laguna Beach. The end of an era.

"Go be a nun. Join like...a nun's thing." Another intelligent nugget from Mr. Spencer Pratt.

The commercial they showed for The City doesn't exactly make me about to die with anticipation for the premiere. New (surely annoying) skinny friends/frenemies: check. Dirty Aussie boyfriend: check. Lots of taxis: check check. And don't even get me started on Brody's show, Bromance. Seriously, MTV? Someone sanctioned this name?

I wish when Lauren went home to pack up her Laguna bedroom, the younger sister that was on one of the bad Laguna seasons was there. I'd love to see what she's up to nowadays.

Did Whitney go into the interview knowing she was gonna get the gig? Since DVF let the MTV cameras into their office in the first place, wouldn't that kind of be a tip off?

Lauren and Lo on the Laguna cliffside, saying their final goodbye to the Conrad manse. I couldn't love it more.

The big question for next week: can I watch the Montag-Pratt nuptials without throwing up?

James Fallon in small doses

Apparently that's how most people like him.

I, however, am a Jimmy fan and hope that he does well when he takes over Conan O'Brien's spot next year (when Conan takes over for Jay Leno - Thank God. Ugh. Jay is the worst).

Starting tonight, Jimmy will be posting video blogs on nbc.com. They will be five minutes long and appear at 12:35 am. Not sure what Jimmy will be doing (I've always loved his song parodies, so fingers crossed), but I am curious to see what he brings to the table.

I am a huge Conan fan and hope that he finds a bigger audience when he takes over The Tonight Show. Jimmy will have a great lead-in and I hope he can make his quirkiness work for a late night tv audience.

Best of luck to you, Jimmy.

The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2008

Barbara Walters has a list and a tv special to boot. I agree with Michael Phelps and Tina Fey. I mean, I was enthralled by the Olympics (a first for me) and how long Michael's arms are. And need I say more about the genius of Tina Fey? Adore her.

And since we can (fairly) safely assume that our next President will be #1, I can say that is a good and obvious choice.

But the rest of Barbara's list? Just stop. Tom Cruise? Really, Babs? Uh...as I said to my friend Scott last night, Tom hasn't been fascinating since Top Gun (and now, years later, long after my crush on him has died a humble death, I realize that the reason Tom looked so confident and happy in that film was because of the volleyball scene. That scene made his life because of all the shirtless dudes he was surrounded by). You know he and Kelly McGillis did not get along, right?

Rush Limbaugh? No. Miley Cyrus? Ugh. Frank Langella? I know he's getting buzz for Frost/Nixon, but is he fascinating? Sorry, Frank. The dude that keeps getting pregnant? Yawn.

Here is my own list of the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2008:

10. The woman from QVC that is always shown on The Soup. Thanks to Scott for that fascinating entry that I couldn't agree with more.
9. The writers of Prison Break. Man, what are they smoking?
8. Minka Kelly. She went from John Mayer (gag) to Derek Jeter and she gets paid to smooch on Taylor Kitsch. Do tell, Minka.
7. Kathy Griffin's mom. After the loss of her husband, she is just as strong and vibrant as ever. She loves the gays and a box of wine, and gave birth to one of the funniest people to ever live. Kudos.
6. My cat. She is very picky about her litter brand and will turn her nose if she doesn't like her dry food. Feline diva!
5. Keri Russell. Lives a quiet life in Brooklyn with her husband and son, and has come into her own on stage and in film. And I have A LOT of questions/comments about Felicity.
4. John Krasinski. Tall. Funny. Cute. Smart. Even made his Unibomber look work for an upcoming movie. Impressive.
3. Hilary Clinton. Presidential hopeful. Secretary of State. She had my vote and I'm confident she will do quite well in the new Administration.
2. Tina Fey. Wife, mother, former Head Writer of SNL, creator of 30Rock, Emmy winner, Palin impersonator, genius.
1. Barack Obama. Gives hope at a time when it is in short supply. Makes me look forward to January for the first time in years.

Barbara's special airs this Thursday at 10:00 on ABC. Mine exists in my mind.

A new month brings little surprise

Last I checked, there was a new episode of The Hills last night. While watching Britney's harrowing documentary on Sunday night (gag), I saw commercials showing LC and Audrina finally sitting down to 'chat' over the whole JB/LC mess.

So, imagine my surprise (or not!) while checking my inbox this morning. No review of last night's episode from Diva. Hmmmm....where was she? Chasing criminals along the Inner Harbor? Throwing back shots while watching Monday Night Football? Sleeping? Doing drugs?

I hope to have an answer soon and will break in with a special update when I get word. Stay tuned!

In other news, WTF is going on with Prison Break? And is anyone else distressed over the lack of chemistry this season between Michael and Dr. Sara? Something is amiss.

A time to give thanks

I'd like to take a moment from my hectic schedule of snarking and loathing to thank all of my loyal readers for their unending support of this blog. Without you I would be nothing! Really.

Okay, that's a lie. But sometimes a lie is much better than the truth. And the truth is that we live in troubled times. The economy is in turmoil, retail and home sales are at their lowest in decades, Pushing Daisies has been cancelled, and the season of being forced together with family is upon us. It's really too much to think about while sober. So, let's raise a glass and pop some pills.

Or something.

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all.

The Hills

The Diva is here with a pre-Thanksgiving recap:

I'll assume that because Spencer and Heidi eloped, I can return my previously purchased wedding gift. But in the meantime, let's get started with tonight's episode.

Has Audrina's work friend finally reached her breaking point with Audrina's latest show of tears over the supposed Lauren-J.Bobby hook-up? She couldn't come up with much to say to console Audrina and her hug was half-hearted at best. I don't know how she's lasted this long.

As Lauren is calling Audrina crazy and making fun of Justin Bobby's minimal showering, you know Lo is thinking "Finally, I can have Lauren all back to myself now. Next on my list: world domination." Insert wicked laugh here.

So Heidi has lost her office and has been banished to the land of cubicles at Bolthouse. Boo hoo. It's nice to see her recent firing and re-hiring hasn't stopped her from having personal visits/unnecessary conversations at work. Don't know how Bolthouse let that gem go the first time.

It's no secret that I have never been a Justin Bobby fan, but I want to thank him for shutting Audrina up and telling her what I was practically screaming at the TV: You're an idiot!

Wait, what was that exchange between Heidi and Spencer? It didn't make sense. I mean, most of their time on this show doesn't make sense, but this really didn't make sense.

It was partly the lighting at the club, and partly her stone cold stare, but Audrina looked like one crazy chick when she confronted Lauren (again) about the rumors. I was scared she was gonna completely lose it and start flipping over tables and go for Lo's hair and...it was gonna get real messy. Not tonight, but maybe next week. Until then, Happy Thanksgiving!

Speidi marries

Surprisingly, they eloped. Hmmmm.....that seems odd, doesn't it?

They can't walk and chew gum without calling the paps.

According to Perez, Us Weekly will have the exclusive photos.

Run, don't walk! Ugh.

Not surprised. At. All.

Ashlee Simpson finally popped out a little boy. His name? Bronx Mowgli Wentz.

I was hoping for Lip Sync.

Ugh. These two.

I need a drink.

New Couple Alert

John Krasinski and Emily Blunt.

Love it!

I'm sure we'll get a "We're just friends" statement any day now (seeing as it was his and Rashida's 'go to' for years), but it would be nice to see a pic of them together because the world needs one more gorgeous couple. No, really. It hasn't yet met it's quota.

If you have some time on your hands, and you want a good laugh, go to any John Krasinski messageboard and see how people freak out over his personal life. It's hilarious. Not since the glory days of the Fametracker messageboard that got into heated debates over the Michael/Jennifer/Ben triangle, have there been so many opinions to make me laugh/make me fear humanity.

People's Sexiest Man Alive

Gah. Still hate the word 'sexy.' However, I do agree with their choice of Hugh Jackman. Love him.

The man is working overtime in the press department for Australia. BY THE WAY, WHY WAS NICKY KIDMAN CAST IN THIS MOVIE???? Baz Luhrmann, stop loving her. Her immovable forehead is just ridiculous and Naomi Watts would have been better. I bet she and Hugh would have had great chemistry. Or give me Kate Winslet with an Australian accent she could have mastered. Her forehead moves. Naomi's forehead moves. Nicole's....used to.

In other news, Brad and Cate Blanchett on Opes today. You know Aniston is fuming.

The Hills

Another episode of mayhem that begs to be broken down and snarked on:

Is Whitney so busy using up all her cell phone minutes chatting away with the gross Australian that she can't find the time to brush her hair? I expect so much more from you Whit. Where has the undying poise from seasons past gone?

J. Bobby enjoys roaming around Venice Beach's boardwalk. Ah yes, that makes so much sense. He actually seems normal in the middle of that scene.

How did these two idiots (I'm talking about Heidi and Spencer, NOT the Aftershow hosts for once) score a guest spot on How I Met Your Mother? CBS should be ashamed.

Don't you get the feeling that Lauren is totally pitying Audrina whenever she talks about her relationship (I'm using that term in the loosest sense) with JB? How long do we give it before she finally just smacks Audrina out of it?

Sam, who is like Brent Bolthouse but more Dr. Evil-ish, called Heidi smart. Huh. I'm stunned.

Lauren plus a funky hat equals an extra dose of sass. Stephanie learned that firsthand.

Lo returns! It's been too long.

Heidi, of course Spencer's the problem. How has it taken you this long to say it out loud?!?

I wonder if Rev Run knows Justin Bobby stole his hat to wear to dinner with Audrina.

Next week, we get to see the "truth" behind the Justin Bobby/Lauren/Audrina love triangle rumors from a few months ago. Say it isn't so, Lauren!

Too cute, too annoying, too sad

The puppies! Oh my gosh, the puppies. I am not a dog person, but the webcam of the Shiba Inu puppies has me hooked. So adorable. And hilarious. Love when they are all huddled together asleep, but THE BEST is when they are playing and jumping on each other and kicking each other in the face (with love!). Hilarious.

I love Paul Rudd. Plain and simple. A fact. Paul hosted SNL this weekend. Some good stuff mixed in with some mediocre stuff. Then there was just horrifying stuff. That's where Justin comes in. Ugh. Timberlake invaded SNL. First on Weekend Update and then in a skit (with Beyonce, no less). Ugh x 2. Seriously, they are two people on my list of "People That I Fear Getting Trapped In An Elevator With For Even A Minute." Don't invade Paul Rudd's hosting gig, JT! You are not cool enough to do that. Ever. The only redeeming quality of his skit was seeing his ease in wearing heels. Uh huh.

I am excited to be attending the 2nd Annual Adrienne Shelly Foundation Fundraising Gala tonight in NY, but saddened that such a tragic event was the impetus for the Foundation. Adrienne Shelly was a writer/director/actor that was murdered two years ago this month by a man trying to steal money from her purse. His defense for strangling her to death was that he was "having a bad day." Terrific. Adrienne left behind her husband and two children, as well as a film community that loved her deeply. Celebrities, including some of the cast of her hit film, Waitress, will be on hand tonight to perform tributes to her. Please check out the Adrienne Shelly Foundation for more information.

Jennifer Aniston on Oprah

It will air today. Are you ready?

NO?

Me, either. That's why I won't watch. I have a cold and I'm annoyed enough. Don't need the cheesefest of Jenny and Opes. I prefer Opes on 30 Rock when she can sit beside Tina and play along for laughs. That is the best Oprah.

The Up-Jenny's-Ass-And-Oh-Isn't-She-The-Best-And-How-Did-You-Survive-Your-Divorce-With-Great-Hair-And-How-Often-Do-You-Exercise-To-Look-Like-That Opes I can live without.

THAT Oprah doesn't have the balls to ask Jen why on earth she would go back to John Mayer.

I bet Gayle would ask.

When Cruz is classier than mommy

Uh, like every day.

So, Vicki Beckham took adorable little Cruz Beckham to The Grove on Tuesday. There were paparazzi (of course) and Vicki was sporting a Forest Green mini and killer Christian Louboutin boots and OH MY GOSH, Vicki, can you ever not dress like a fembot when out in public?

I know you want everyone to know that not eating is giving you the body you've always wanted. You know, where there is no difference between your thigh and calf and your leg just looks like one long stick? Ugh. And those fake breasts on that tiny frame? Ridiculous. And disturbing. And her purses weigh more than her and it's really all too much. Just stop and eat and come to terms with the fact that David is a guy and he will look at other women (LA Laker cheerleaders) and whatever, because he comes home to you and your kids are way too cute and enjoy your life.

Thankfully, Cruz classed the trip up with his fun designer shades and Santa hat. He looked like he was dressed to make a cameo on Bindi Irwin's animal show, but that just makes everyone love him more. Like me.

Mission accomplished, little Cruz!

More Hills Hijinx

The Diva has fulfilled her obligations for two weeks straight. I noted it in my wish book.

Whitney almost pulled a Britney getting out of that NYC taxi. You know what I'm talking about. If she's living in the city now, she should work on her technique.

Heidi is looking for a new job after getting fired, and Spencer...is still loafing around their apartment for a living.

Ew, male models. Ew. I didn't exactly see any Tyson Beckfords walking that runway.

The "Serenader" (not a cool nickname) is g-ross if you ask me. Just getting a weird/unshowered vibe from him.

Look at Brent Bolthouse laying the smackdown on Spencer. FINALLY. I've been waiting for someone to do it for years.

So Whitney and her toothpick legs are working that bar hard, huh? Do we feel bad for Alex? I can't decide.

Okay, now I've decided to feel bad for Alex! Whit didn't even say goodbye to him. I didn't think she had it in her.

When your career is in the toilet...

...some retail therapy is in order.

The lovable Lindsay Lohan and BFF/gal pal/sneaker-loving dj/girlfriend Sam Ronson were spotted at XIV Karats LTD in Beverly Hills yesterday. Linds left with a huge rock (not of coke) on her right hand.

Good to see that in this economy, Linds can be counted on to keep jewelers in business. Such a giver.

How the hell does she manage to shop frivolously, while working occasionally? I want to do that!

Well, minus the shopping. I'd like to nap more, honestly.

Quite a threesome

Brit and Justin will be performing with Madonna at Dodger Stadium tonight. Say what? It's true.

Justin will perform 4 Minutes and Brit will perform Human Nature.

I have a friend who will be attending tonight's extravaganza, so I can hear all the gory details later. I have a feeling Jessica Biel will be in attendance tonight, as well. Just a hunch.

While that takes place across the country, I will perform my The Office dance and enjoy my favorite night of tv. Seriously, The Office, 30 Rock, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Sarah Silverman Program, and Tim Gunn's Guide to Style are an amazing tv lineup.

It's Thursday, bitch.

Who is better then Kate Winslet?

No one. Seriously.

The youngest actress to earn five Oscar nominations can be seen on the cover of the new Vanity Fair looking fierce. Like crazy. Of course, I think Kate looked beautiful in Titanic, even though jackass and Titanic director James Cameron allegedly took to calling her Kate "weighs-a-lot" on set. SHUT UP, James Cameron!

Looking forward to Kate reteaming with Leo in this Fall's Revolutionary Road. In the article, Kate talks about her close friendship with Leo and how she suggested him for the male lead. Sam Mendes, the director of the film (& Kate's husband, talks about how he respects their friendship and really wanted them to use it to their advantage when collaborating on screen.

And to all of the haters over in England giving Kate crap about how she must have been airbrushed....relax. Everyone knows there is some degree of airbrushing in every photoshoot. In a 2003 shoot for Britain's GQ, Kate admitted that the photos had been digitally enhanced to make her look much slimmer than she was. She claimed not to be mad at the magazine, but wanted people to know she was not really that thin.

In a culture that is obsessed with being thin and "marketable," it was refreshing to say the least.

Love ya, Kate.

"Let it just happen, and see what happens."

Well, look at this Election Day surprise! Someone has sobered up long enough to grace us with a recap of The Hills. And, from the sound of it, Justin Bobby is still smoking something funny.

So Audrina is saying adios to roommate life and moving into her own place. Lauren and Lo will probably not notice since it seems like they've been living their own lives in the main house since the three moved in together.

I still don't understand how Heidi is put in charge of anything at work. How can you give someone with such frequent blank stares so much responsibility?

Audrina asks J.Bobby to move in with her. His response is the vague, nonsensical title of this post. He is such a charmer.

Is that LA Ink's #1 patron that Audrina is showing around her new house? Holy tattoos.

There is way too much shrieking coming out of Heidi at the club opening. Looks like tequila raises her voice about three octaves.

As an Aftershow aside, why do those hosts wear a headset and talk into a microphone at the same time? Not that this should be their biggest worry. Have you seen their wardrobes? Someone gets paid to put those looks together. What a travesty.

Wow, I did not see Heidi's firing coming. Brent really laid down the law. Now that Heidi's been let go from Bolthouse, she'll have more time to focus on her music. World, start investing in earplugs.

All hail Pink

John Mayer told her "I only shag really stupid women."

Her response?

"I guess they would have to be."

Thank you, Pink!

John, what happened to you? So tragic. Maniston is a joke of epic proportions.

Saw Changeling yesterday. Harrowing. My Mother was not too impressed by Ange, though. On the way home she said, "She was fine, but I don't think she was Oscar-worthy."

Team Aniston, anyone?

Oy.

On a different note, anyone else curious as to whether or not we will get a recap of The Hills tomorrow? Let's see if our resident diva can find the time in her busy schedule.

The Seinfeld's have nothing better to do

So they are now helping Madge and A-Rod stay undercover from the paps.

Reports have surfaced that A-Madge took separate private helicopters to hang at the Hamptons mansion owned by Jerry and his wife, Jessica. What a fun foursome! I'm sure they played the Seinfeld version of the game "Scene It."

Gag.

I don't see Madge being tight with Jerry, but weirder things have happened in the world of celebrity. Also, isn't Jerry a Mets fan? What is he doing voluntarily spending time with A-Rod? What is ANYONE doing voluntarily spending time with A-Rod?

These are the important questions, everyone!

Also, Happy Halloween. Not sure what to be this year? Just stick a "Hi, My Name is" name tag on your shirt and write "Dave."

Someone is wreaking havoc on the DWTS set

Is Cloris that pissed about getting the boot? What about Karina? She looked irate when she and Rocco were voted off a few weeks ago.

Someone is brewing some evil spells on the set of Dancing with the Stars, because a 2nd dancer, Lacey Schwimmer, has been diagnosed with endometriosis. This comes days after Julianne Hough announced she would undergo an appendectomy related to the condition.

I can see Susan Lucci digging deep into her Erica Kane persona and 'accidentally' pulling hair from fellow contestants to create spells that would sideline them. If anyone knows how to stop someone dead in their tracks, it's Erica Kane. She'll cut a bitch.

So far, no word on whether Lacey will have to be replaced with another dancer. Oh my gosh, they should totally get Darrin Henson, who made that video "Darrin's Dance Grooves" that I always used to see on MTV. Or, maybe Lacey's partner, Lance Bass, can make a call to Britney to fill in. I would love them to recreate her 'Oops, I Did It Again' video, complete with cheesy dialogue between Brit and the astronaut.

Sue me, I used to watch videos.

Joaquin is over it

Joaquin Phoenix announced in a red carpet interview that he is retiring in order to work on his music.

Uh...congrats?

The two-time Oscar nominee will (last?) be seen in the upcoming Two Lovers with Gwynnie Paltrow. Well, that might be your answer right there. Gwynnie must be exhausting to work with.

Oh, Merrill from Signs! I also enjoyed him in Return to Paradise with Vince Vaughn and Anne Heche. Depressing movie, but I believe I saw it for free during the Boston days, so I'm sure I bought candy afterwards to take the edge off. And, of course, his portrayal of Johnny Cash in Walk the Line was mesmerizing and earned him and Oscar nomination.

And what is this I'm hearing about him spending time with ex Liv Tyler? Truth and time will tell if that rekindles.

Best of luck to Joaquin in whatever he does. The poor man had his brother die in his arms. He deserves happiness.

And I'd like to thank loyal reader, Erin, and loyal diva, Jessica, for their comments.

Funny that there is no recap of The Hills today. Hmmmm....

It's the same old song

Breaking news out of Baltimore: The Hills recapper, Jessica, is back to her diva ways.

Shocked? Didn't think so.

After jet-setting to Miami for a long weekend, the disgraced recapper has halted efforts to rebuild her tarnished image by choosing baseball over recaps. Interesting. Last I checked, she was a Yankees fan. Sadly, the Yankees are not in the World Series this year.

That didn't stop someone from saying "Later!" (in her best Lo Bosworth voice) to a new episode of The Hills in favor of watching Game 5 between the Phillies and Rays last night.

A loyal reader, who asked to remain nameless, wrote that she saw Recapper Jessica at a local Baltimore bar after 10pm, enjoying the high life. Said reader also overheard Recapper Jessica laughing and saying, "Maybe I'll get to the recap tomorrow. Maybe not. We'll see."

Someone is drunk with power.

If anyone else has a spotting that they would like to share, I encourage you to do so. I think it is time to expose Recapper Jessica as the heartless diva that fame from a regular Tuesday blog spot has turned her into.

Stay tuned.

Little Amy popped

Congrats to Amy Poehler and her husband, Will Arnett, on the birth of their son, Archie.

Amy gave birth on Saturday, causing her to miss SNL. I hope she can make one final appearance before she, Will, and Archie move out to Cali for her new comedy series on NBC.

Speaking of SNL, Chris Martin is annoying. He and Gwynnie are so perfect together.

Someone from Gossip Girl hospitalized

This one is for The Hills recapper, Jessica, who is a huge GG fan.

A slight blonde girl, Taylor Momsen, was hospitalized for a "potentially life-threatening" illness at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center on Sunday, but was released yesterday in good spirits. Hmmm....

Taylor plays Jenny Humphrey on the popular CW show.

Take a look at before and after photos of Taylor when you get a chance. Girl looks gaunt and dead behind her eyes now. Not a good look on anyone, but she is only 15. Yikes.

I watched the pilot last year and quickly dismissed it. Spoiled brats running around NY with stank attitudes and designer clothes does nothing for me. Yawn. And I'm still creeped out by Chuck Bass. That hair and smarm is ghastly.

XOXO Celebrity Skewer

How do you spell desperate?

J-E-N-N-I-F-E-R A-N-I-S-T-O-N.

Girl, please.

First, back with Mayer. Now, rumors swirling that the real reason for the reunion is that she is pregnant.

Say it ain't so!

Her publicist denies it, but I'm wary. Good ole' Liz Rosenberg denied there were any problems and definitely not a divorce in sight for Madge and Guy. Uh-huh.

Oh, Maniston.

The Hills and some other thoughts

I've been really busy at work and haven't been updating on all that is happening in the world of entertainment. I hate multi-tasking, so I'll blame that. Or, that I am so distraught over the Guy/Madge divorce that I haven't been able to sleep, eat, or think properly. Which should I go with?

Anyway, let's get on with this week's installment of the The Hills recap:

So, pure laziness kept me from posting a recap of last week's episode. I basically only had two real comments anyway: 1. Audrina is clearly an avid skinnydipper (which we should've figured) and 2. Lauren should never experiment with hats again.

Tonight, we're in Cabo for Brody's birthday extravaganza. Let's get started.

Isn't Lo noticeably missing from this trip? She should be frolicking in the ocean like the other girls. Where is she?

Thanks to Doug, the wise sage, for sharing his knowledge in the hot tub with the boys. PS, four dudes in a hot tub...?

I see Justin's going for the greaser John Travolta hairstyle while on vacay. Interesting.

What is the combined IQ of the girls Doug ushered into the house? I don't think there are any doctors in that group.

Who is more orange, Stephanie or Heidi? I think Heidi wins tonight.

I don't want to see Spencer stretching after a workout. Or ever.

I'm beyond over the Audrina-Justin Bobby storyline. Will we ever be free of JB? Judging from next week's scenes, it doesn't look like it.

Is everyone excited to catch the sneak peek of Whitney's new show during the after show? Eh, I'm not. Maybe I'll catch it on YouTube.

Maddie and Guy are over

Official word came from Maddie's mouthpiece, Liz Rosenberg, that the two are divorcing after 7 1/2 years of marriage.

Surprised? Not really. Rumors have swirled for quite some time and I think the most telling sign was how little time they were actually spending together. It seemed that they were already living separate lives.

Now comes the settlement, which I expect will take a while. Madge is reported to be worth over 500 million. Guy....less than that.

A-Rod, stay away.

Maniston redux

Really, Jen?

Someone is having a meltdown from all of the Brange coverage.

Can't wait for John's blogging about the big second chance and how they just couldn't live without each other.

I smell desperation on both sides.

Brad shoots Angie for W Magazine

With a camera, folks. With a camera.

You can see some of the pics from the portfolio online. Stunning. Brad demanded special film that people had to go through hoops (and fly to other countries) to get.

The results are quite beautiful. Angie does not look like she just gave birth a few weeks ago to twins. It's very annoying.

There is also an interview with Angie in the magazine where she talks about Brad's love for Zahara and Maddox being the catalyst for her wanting to get pregnant.

I'm thinking this is an issue Aniston will skip.

Let J and Jay make you over

The CW has ordered a pilot of Operation Fabulous, a new makeover show starring Miss J and Jay Manuel of America's Next Top Model. Tyra will be an executive producer.

The concept is for the two to travel the country and give women makeovers. In some towns, five participants will be chosen to have complete transformations: clothes, hair, and makeup.

I'll give it a shot, because I do love What Not to Wear and Tim Gunn's Guide to Style. I don't watch ANTM, but I have seen the two judge celebrities on E!'s Fashion Police. Get out your claws, because they are C-A-T-T-Y. Meow. I'm sure they will have to reign it in on this show.

Or, maybe they won't and people will tune in to see how many women they make cry per episode. You know Tyra would love that.

Lauren Bacall can get away with this

The woman has been around the block, seen the craziness of Hollywood for decades, and knows from whacked-out. So it should come as no surprise that she thinks Tom Cruise is a "maniac." HA! Preach it, sister!

Ms. Bacall was interviewed for the current Elle Magazine profile on Nicole Kidman and talked about how unhappy Nic was while they filmed the movie Dogville together in 2003...two years after the Cruise/Kidman marriage bit the dust. Hmmm....Nic was still unhappy two years later? Was it about Tom or was it about Eyes Wide Shut? I am still deeply troubled by the fact that I spent money on that piece of crap. And the piano score? STOP IT! Gave me a migraine. What a nightmare.

But enough about me.

LB also says she "can't understand the way he conducts his life." You and me, both. I mean, what's with the shoe lifts and making Katie get that boyish haircut? Yikes. And I hear that he doesn't let Suri play with other kids. That's healthy. Maybe Rule #1 of being the poster child of Scientology is that you can't have friends. Poor Suri.

I'm just as dumb as my sister, y'all!

Star Magazine is reporting that little country bumpkin (and complete idiot), Jamie Lynn Spears, is pregnant again.

Damn! Girl just popped out little Maddie three months ago.

I really hope this isn't true. The world isn't ready for another Spears breakdown-in-the-making.

Everyone hide their umbrellas and keep Jamie Lynn away from the salons!

Drinks are Harmless

Lo Bosworth you're so innocent, so unassuming.

Drinks are full of harm. Tonight's episode showed us that alcoholic beverages make Audrina's latest boytoy turn into a giddy schoolgirl. Although they don't seem to have any affect on Lo's ability to roll her eyes while looking completely disinterested in those she's having conversations with. Okay, so not so harmful. Yet.

Why did Heidi sign her full name at the end of her "apology" letter to Lauren? If she had just signed it 'Heidi', do you think Lauren would've been lost as to who it was from?

Poolside Audrina seemed more with it than normal. I'm sure it was only temporary and she'll return to stupidity soon enough.

How much does Justin Bobby rake in for every episode? I'm thinking that he hangs out with Audrina just so he can make some cash.

How much did Spencer look like a serial killer in the final scene tonight? Frightening. Just...frightening.

SNL all over this mess

Did you watch the debate last night? I did. Well, the first hour of it. Then I had to TiVo It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia because that show is hilarious and Holla! to all of my Philly readers. I'm thinking the Phillies will sweep. And you?

Well, as I was tabulating how many times Gov. Palin used the work 'heck,' SNL was busy planning a VP debate sketch for this Saturday. Sources have confirmed to People Magazine that Queen Latifah has been booked to play last night's moderator, Gwen Ifill. Love it. All hail the Queen! And all hail Tina Fey, who will have to be back for her spot on impersonation of Gov. Palin. Classic.

Anne Hathaway hosts and The Killers are the musical guest.

And I would like to give a shout out (like, from the 90s) to Celebrity Skewer reader, Erin. She is friends with resident Diva and The Hills Recapper, Jessica. The two are aspiring wedding planners, don't you know? I expect their clientele to be high profile and for an invite to be extended to me. No pressure, though.

And, if the pieces fall nicely into place, they will one day be planning my wedding to a Mr. John Krasinski.

Let's hope it's the one from The Office.

Brange in NYC

The Newmaniums's (ha!) Brady Bunch arrived in New York last night as Angie prepares for the premiere of her Oscar-buzzworthy new film, The Changeling.

All seems right in the world when the couple that just can't stop having kids settles back in the US for a quick visit. My sinuses seem more controlled and there is a definite spring in my step. Brange heals all ills.

Or is it just the uppers I've been popping? Hmmmm?

Anyway, rumors have been swirling for weeks that Angie is not doing well after giving birth to Knox and Vivienne in July. Postpartum depression seems to have a hold on her and is making her life a living hell.

Or could it be the fact that she has 6 kids under the age of 7? Good gracious, I need a nap just thinking about dealing with Maddox's jealousy issues. I wonder if anyone has been written on in permanent marker "by accident" yet...hmmmm? Maddox looks like he doesn't play around and may cut someone if his sleep patterns are disturbed by crying babies.

I hear ya, Mad. Babies are the worst.

Best of luck on surviving in the Big Apple! Brad, meet me at Bungalow 8 tonight.

300th post

P-A-R-T-Y!

Wow, I don't really do much work at work, do I? 300 posts? Yikes. Don't rat on me, IT Department!

Who to thank? Let's see...in no particular order, I'd like to thank the following: myself, my cat, John Krasinski, Derek Jeter, Ben, Jerry, all forms of chocolate, Recapper Jessica, Tim Gunn, celebrities doing stupid things, Franklin from Arrested Development, Larry Mullen, Jr. and his undying love for me, vacation days, David Letterman, internet access at work, Hootie, TiVo, and YOU, my loyal reader(s).

Hopefully I'll have a job for another 300 posts.

The Hills

I've been seeing alot of actual celebrities speak out about The Hills as of late. Both Charlize Theron and America Ferrara have said they just don't get the show. I'll be sure to send them the link to this recap. I'm sure that will change their minds.

Not like I should make fun of anyone's workout habits, but what's up with Lauren's weak punches with her trainer at the gym? I know she's too busy gossiping to focus, but I'm pretty sure I could take her down without a problem.

Stephanie can't even come up with an excuse for hanging out with Doug. It's painful that she can't come up with anything to say to Lauren.

Heidi's mom, Darlene, seems just as shocked with Spencer's ridiculous behavior as I have been this entire season. Her face reads two things: 1. my daughter's boyfriend is an ass and 2. my daughter has had way too much plastic surgery.

Stephanie is a lying freakshow. She deleted Doug's number? Apparently not since they're out to dinner and having a DVD night. And who calls it that in the first place? Lame.

"If she cries, she cries." Brody clearly won't be holding back around Stephanie at Doug's BBQ.

It's Darlene vs. Spencer at the outdoor cafe. Watch out innocent passersby. This could start getting ugly.

Uh oh, here comes Audrina's boobs again.

I appreciate Whitney's poolside sass. She reminds me of myself in this instance.

That's a nice shrine Doug has built for himself in his house.

Lauren isn't putting up with Stephanie's tears anymore. She took her sheer cover up and stomped right outta there.

Is this the absolute end of the Stephanie Pratt era? We'll have to stay tuned to find out.

ScarJo says "I do"

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds were married on Saturday evening in Canada.

Yes, Hollywood couples, it is possible to marry without everyone in the world knowing about it and you having to complain that paparazzi ruined your special day.

When John Krasinski and I walk down the aisle, I expect there to be little fanfare as well. Could that have something to do with him not knowing about my plans? Possibly.

Best of luck to the happy couple!

Alanis, I suggest a valium and some booze. Plus, he won't be able to sustain that body forever. Will Scarlett love him without those abs? Doubtful.

Well worth the wait

Let me take you back to a scenario from last May: me, sitting on my couch, eagerly anticipating Jim asking Pam to marry him while watching the fireworks at Toby's goodbye party.

Me, mouth open, blood pressure rising, as Andy steals the moment and asks Angela to marry him in front of everyone.

Me, ready to throw the tv out the window as Pam gets teary-eyed because of the non-proposal.

Me, pissed for days and weeks and months.

Last night, I went into the Season 5 premiere of The Office with caution. John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer gave pre-season interviews which lead me to believe an engagement had been put on the back burner. Jim actually had a talking head in the beginning of the episode about how he and Pam decided to wait until she returned from Pratt Institute in NY. Fine. Not thrilled, but fine. I had to accept it.

Or did I?

Well, yeah, to keep my sanity I did.

But...but....then....a rest stop, in the rain, Jim on one knee, Pam in shock, me in shock, me smiling, cat running around like a nut, rain pouring down and causing me to worry that my cable would go out, Jim proposing, Pam saying 'Yes,' the kiss, the kiss, still more kissing, Jim returning to the office for the weigh-in with a big ole' smile plastered on his face.

Uh, yeah. Thank you to the writers.

ALTHOUGH, because I've been scorned in the past, I do remember a Ms. Lorelai Gilmore asking a Mr. Luke Danes to marry her at the end of Season 5, only to have her marry stupid Christopher and then get back with Luke in the final moments of Season 7.

If we could not have a repeat of that mess, or any ridiculous "We were on a break!" talk, that would be fabulous. Truly and completely fabulous.

And a special Happy Birthday greeting to Celebrity Skewer resident Diva, Fashionista, and The Hills recapper, Jessica. Her sass and attitude have never been stronger, and her feet walking down stairs have never been louder. Long live the stumps!

Clay Aiken is gay

In other news, the economy sucks and I'm very tired.

The Diva speaks!

Someone finally found the time to throw her fans a review. Yes, the Diva herself is back with a review of The Hills. And, from the tens of thousands of emails that have flooded my inbox over the past week, you are willing to give her another chance. I'm hesitant, but willing to give the people what they want.

Okay, so I missed recapping last week's episode. I watched it a few days after it originally aired, and by that time I figured everyone was over Justin Bobby dissing Audrina and Lauren calling a mini truce with Heidi's sis. So, tonight I'm making my return to the blog with an on-time recap. Enjoy!

Audrina's face says it all: What is crazy eyes Stephanie going to unleash upon me now?

How much could Heidi and Spencer stay in when I see their outfits-gone-wrong at every event in town in the mags?

I love Lo's sunglasses. Love.

Audrina is awfully chatty with Heidi. The little twig is probably just being drunk friendly. You know Lo is taking down notes of this convo and will provide Lauren with a typed transcript the minute she returns from Italy.

Nice to see that J.B. was able to take a break from chopping down trees in the wilderness to go to the X Games party. There's no other reason for that plaid shirt, right?

If Stephanie and Doug were trying to keep their non-date dinner under the radar, maybe they shouldn't have gone to Beso. Just a thought.

Lauren's back in L.A. Ah, now all is right with the world. Stephanie, watch your back.

What will the resulting fallout be from all of this? Looks like we'll find out next week.

Joey Potter takes on Broadway

Tonight marks the Broadway debut of Mrs. Scientology herself, Katie Holmes. She stars with John Lithgow, Diane Wiest, and Patrick Wilson in Arthur Miller's All My Sons. The show is in previews until October 16th.

Jump back! Reunion of Lithgow and Wiest, who co-starred in Footloose as Lori Singer's parents. Let's party!

But back to Katie....she's very thin. And the huge sunglasses she wears when out and about in NY take me back to the days of Christina Ricci when she lost a lot of weight. She looks like a lollipop with sunglasses. Disturbing.

What does this have to do with Katie's acting? Well, nothing. If Madonna can do Broadway, I'm sure Katie can muddle her way through. John and Diane are solid actors, and Patrick Wilson is pretty cute. Uh, and he was good in Little Children. I'm sure Tom will have his eye on him during the show.

Best of luck, little Joey Potter. I hope Joshua Jackson swings by to offer his support....and a getaway plan.

Two days and counting

Recapper Jessica is a DIVA. No two ways about it.

The once plucky, spirited, and professional recapper has turned her back on her fanbase. Seems she has traded in her star-making turn as a lifeline to all The Hills fans for the horrible new version of 90210 and Monday's Gossip Girl episode. Priorities are apparently the first thing to go out the window when living the high life in Baltimore, MD. Consider that one to grow on, kids.

Instead of giving us a day-late recap, the Sassy One decided to make other tv shows her focus. LC would be fuming and relegate her to the pool house with Audrina if she knew about this nonsense.

If she should bother to EVER recap The Hills again, should we allow for it to be posted on this site? I'll leave that up to you, dear readers. I care about your opinions, unlike someone else.

In other news, the verdict is still out on the new tv show Fringe. I liked last night's episode more than last week's Pilot, but don't know if this one has legs. Joshua Jackson and Anna Torv have nice chemistry, but the quirks of the show might do it in. That father of JJ's is a handful.

Not the strongest series from J.J. Abrams by a long shot.

Letting us all down

Tuesday is usually the day when Recapper Jessica uses her attitude, sass, and grasp of the English language to explain to us what the hell we watched on any given episode of The Hills.

Well, today is Tuesday. Am I right?

My inbox was flooded this morning with rabid fans asking, "Celebrity Skewer, where is the recap of The Hills that I have come to know, love, and rely on?" Others asked the more philosophical question, "If an episode of The Hills aired, but was not reviewed by Recapper Jessica, is it still considered relevant?"

Dear readers, I don't have the answers. I wish I did, but I don't. Maybe it is our job not to ask, but to just accept that we have been let down on a cloudy Tuesday with no ray of recapped sunshine to get us through.

Oh, wait. I do have the answer: Recapper Jessica was too busy getting her drink on at a local Baltimore bar watching the Cowboys/Eagles game last night. Last I knew, she wasn't a football fan. Hmmm.....is this a cry for help? Is an intervention close at hand?

Or did she just let us down and ignore her loyal fan base?

These are the questions to ponder while we muddle through a Tuesday afternoon.

If Eva Longoria is fat....

.....then I'm a Red Sox fan.

Eva, and now her Desperate Housewives co-star, Felicity Huffman, have commented to the press that she is "just fat" and not pregnant. Uh-huh.

Please stop calling her "just fat." The woman is not fat. She has gained a few pounds for (supposedly) her role on this upcoming season of the show, which takes place five years in the future. Maybe she really is pregnant. Who knows? Or cares?

Eva will also be donning a fat suit this season, which is always funny to watch. I can still remember how much I laughed when Gwynnie donned one for Shallow Hal. What a riot! And who can forget Eddie Murphy in Norbit? How hilarious!

OH MY GOSH, STOP WITH THE FAT SUITS HOLLYWOOD.

Just stop. Enough.

And stop calling people fat, giving young girls unrealistic ideas of what a "healthy weight" is and please, please PLEASE stop Desperate Housewives from airing.

Thank you.

Also, congrats to Gwen and Gavin for celebrating their 6-year anniversary, and Tina Fey for killing me with her Sarah Palin impersonation. Liz Lemon can do no wrong.

J.Lo out, Tim Gunn in

J.Lo had to cancel her judging duties in the Project Runway finale due to a foot injury (yes, that does sound shady), so Mr. Tim Gunn will be the new guest judge for the episode.

Kudos to Tim! Can't wait to see him mix it up with Nina and Michael.

I'm sorry, but this season's contestants have been way too sassy and full of themselves. And many have let Tim's words of wisdom go in one ear and out the other. Stop with that. Tim knows fashion. He also knows when a good eye roll will send me into a fit of laughter, so I appreciate that as well.

The finale was filmed today and will air at some point. Ha!

Even the raccoons cried

You know you thought Lauren looked like one when her mascara ran last night! That was the best fake makeup of a fake fight/friendship ever. Kudos to LC and Audrina. Do I smell an Emmy in their futures?

I am trying to recover from tonight's shocking One Tree Hill, which ended just seconds before I had to switch to MTV. CW, you've done it yet again! Anyway, onto The Hills...

Audrina looks like she had a ROUGH night. Ouch.

Ew to the foot close-up. Not necessary.

I want a job where the word 'vintage-y' is part of a day's work.

Spencer is evil. No, not just evil...e-vil.

Lo gave off the 'I can't be bothered with your troubles any more, stop complaining' vibe about the Lauren/Audrina situation. Hey, she was clearly too busy drinking her Vitamin Water and surfing the 'net to care.

Lauren can't think about Audrina right now. She needs to focus on dressing crazy Lady Gaga. And homegirl looks like a handful.

I don't even know what to say about the convo at the end of tonight's show. It seems like Lauren and Audrina decided to stay friends out of spite, if that even makes sense. The whole thing was building up to them just parting ways, and then out of nowhere there was a heartfelt hug and a resolution to be friends again. We'll see how this one plays out.

There was a new episode of The Hills?

I was watching Wednesday's episode of Project Runway. So long, Stella!

I'll try to look past my excitement over Britney opening the VMA's long enough to pay attention to this special installment of The Hills.

This opening monologue has to rank as one of the most overdramatic in recent history. Cue Lauren: "...What could go wrong? EVERYTHING." I can't stand the anticipation.

Happy birthday Frankie! I don't know where you came from or what you really do, but the whole gang is in Vegas to celebrate your big day so that must mean something.

Brody, a black wife beater does not count as an actual shirt that you should wear outside of your house. Although my younger brother would say otherwise.

Spencer is so peeved over Heidi's sister crashing with them while she gets settled in L.A., he threatens to move out. So Heidi could end up with Spencer gone and her sis as her new roommate. I say to roll with it.

Lauren looks too cute on the VMA red carpet during the commercial break. I wonder if she's wearing...herself.

Looks like Holly's extensions held up just fine in Colorado. I don't know how well they'll fare the first time she's involved in her first catfight at Les Deux, though.

Lauren goes through friends faster than anyone I know. It would take alot of work to get rid of friends at the pace she's keeping.

Raise your hand if you want to know more about Stephanie's past drug problem....! At least that explains the droopy eyes.

Frankie and his words of wisdom can't stop the barrage of evil stares and eye rolls on the dance floor. Audrina, Lauren, and Lo: Three's Company they are not.

I hope someone busts Brody and Doug out of jail soon. They're too pretty to stay in the slammer.

Good thing we only have to wait a day until we'll see what will surely be the stunning conclusion of the Vegas escapades.

Hold on to your weave!

Brit is opening the VMAs this Sunday!

Although it has been confirmed by a "source" that she will not perform, the recovering no-shoes-in-gas-station-bathrooms fan will do something when the bell tolls at 9pm. Hmmmm.....give her thoughts on the political front? Discuss how she is cutting back during this struggling economy? The mind boggles!

The saddest part about this stunt is that my lame ass will be watching. Damn Sunday night tv programming for sucking!

Worse than eating a bag of Sabor de Soledad

Is finding out that Jennifer Aniston is going to guest on my beloved 30 Rock.

First Schwimmer, and now Aniston.

Look, NBC, I can't help it that their careers have hit a wall! Stop throwing them a lifeline and forcing 30 Rock to give in to ratings ploys. The show is an Emmy winner. Have faith that the core audience will come back when the new season starts (October 30th) and stop with the Friends pandering.

Did you see the last few seasons of that show? Awful.

In the immortal word of Liz Lemon, "Blergh!"

The Hills

*Recapper extraordinaire, Jessica, flew in from a jaunt to the Windy City in order to keep us up-to-date on the nonsense going on in with LC and crew. Without Recapper Jessica, we would all be lost.*

I am still recovering from a weekend of little sleep, so let's cut to the chase here:

Braids galore! I haven't braided my hair in...forever. I'd really have to perfect my skills to hang with these girls.

It was nice to see some more of Whitney, although I'm beginning to wonder more and more if she can carry her own story lines if that spin-off show ends up happening. I like her, but her vacant responses don't exactly make for thrilling television.

I threw up a little in my mouth when Spencer mentioned cuddling in bed. Talk about heebie-jeebies.

Looks like we'll get an extra Hills episode before the VMA's air on Sunday, and the gang will be heading to Vegas for some drama filled shenanigans. Hopefully I'll be back in top form by then, since the preview showed tears, arrests, and Justin Bobby. What more can you ask for?

Brad and George are easing me off the bridge

If you are a Yankee fan (and by that I mean a TRUE YANKEE FAN, not someone who occassionaly watches games if she isn't busy watching The Style Network or going for a run along the Inner Harbor) then you know it's been a frustrating year. Injuries, A-Rod's inability to be clutch, and Derek's continued dependency on the 'fade' hairstyle have made this one of the more disasterous seasons in recent memory.

*I'd like to see how sloppy and sluggish they would play if threatened with reveals of their sexuality, steroid usage, or infidelities.*

As the Yanks prepare to salvage the ounce of dignity I'm hoping they still possess and win ONE GAME against the hated and quite horrific-looking Red Sox this afternoon, I take comfort in knowing that Brad Pitt and George Clooney are doing their best to comfort me in my time of need.

How are they doing this, you might ask? Sending flowers, tubs of Ben and Jerry's, and videotaped messages assuring me that all we be well in the Bronx? Well, if they were really caring and good celebrities, they would. But, since they are mere mortals, I'll have to rely on their ability to look good in a tux. And they do.

Both men showed up on their red carpet date for their new film Burn After Reading at the Venice Film Festival looking quite dashing in their black bowties. Way to co-ordinate, boys. The film stars George, Brad, Tilda Swinton, John Malkovich, and the always awesome Frances McDormand. It is the Coen Brothers follow-up to their Award-winning No Country for Old Men, and though I do hope the film does well for the actors involved, I have issues with the Coen Brothers and how put out they appeared at the Oscars. If you don't like receiving awards or don't feel it's a big deal, then DON'T SHOW UP. Save your stank attitude for your living rooms and spare me, okay?

The film opens next month....the same time the Yankees could find themselves out of the playoffs since I was young and ambitious. 14 years ago.

Brit and her weave will not be performing at VMAs

Remember that train wreck from last year? The vacant eyes, the inability to lip sync, the horrendous weave, the ridiculous outfit?

I remember sitting in stunned silence while Brit tried to strut her medicated stuff around the smallest amount of stage as possible. Remember when they cut to Rihanna, and she was like, "Who slipped me a roofie, because this can't be real!" I know, RiRi. It was wild!

Fast forward to a year later. Brit has a (slightly) better weave, she's dropped Sam Lufti and Adnan from her cellphone address book, she's working out, smiling, hanging with her kids, listening to her dad, recording in the studio, and looks like she could form a sentence without the use of flash cards. Oh, and she guested on How I Met Your Mother, but I feel the less we talk about that, the better (you know that's what NPH thinks, too).

Although Brit has come a long way, she will not be unveiling a coherent version of herself at this year's VMAs. Larry Rudolph, who must be thrilled to have her back under his wing (cha ching!), had one of his reps (these people need to get over themselves) announce that there was never a plan to have Brit perform.

Uh huh.

Perhaps she will attend, though. Kim Vo, her stylist, (who looks like a toned-down version of Season 1 Project Runway designer Austin Scarlett) said he was working on a few new looks for her.

KIM, PLEASE GET HER A DECENT WEAVE.

That would be a red carpet look no one could forget.

Another Monday, another episode with 'tude

Well, it looks like Lauren gets $1.4 million per season of being filmed, and I get zero per season of recapping. Hey, you can't win them all, now can you?

Whitney seems to be going for more of a casual surfer girl look. Or Lauren's old bathing habits are rubbing off on her and she just isn't showering properly.

The lighting at Don Pablo's isn't doing Heidi any favors over dinner. Neither does that awful blue eye shadow. She used to be so cute and fresh faced. But that was seasons ago now.

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the bitchiest roommate of them all?? It's getting tougher and tougher to tell.

Happy birthday Stephanie. Now it's time to stop tanning.

Wow, Spencer busted out an international political analogy. It made me feel funny.

Honestly I think one of the best parts of tonight's half hour was the commercial for the new season of ABC Family's show "Greek." If you haven't caught it yet, you're doing yourself a disservice.

Hurry, change the channel before the After Show freaks come on the screen!

****Please note the dig in the first sentence about not being paid for recaps. Someone wants a smack.****

Was he conceived at Zuma Beach?

Let's go with that.

Gwen finally popped out a child yesterday, a baby boy, that she and Gavin named Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale. I believe that their first son, Kingston, was conceived in Jamaica, so maybe they are just following the tradition of Ron Howard and his wife in naming their kids after where they were conceived.

Can't you just see the 90210-esque high school that will one day be filled with Shiloh, Suri, Violet, Kingston and all of their siblings? Lots of drama queens for sure. They'll still have nothing on Brenda Walsh!

Hugs, kisses, and Harajuku girls to the happy family.

Oh, and did anyone else see the pics of little Kingston hanging with Britney and her sons while Gwen was giving birth? What? Who knew?

Oh, Hollywood.

Love is a many splendered thing

I guess.

Some new celebrity couples to report:

First up, we have David Cross and Amber Tamblyn. David played the wonderful Never Nude, Tobias Funke, on the brilliant Arrested Development. Amber played Emily Quartermaine on General Hospital, the lead character in Joan of Arcadia, and Tibby in both Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movies.

David is 43 and Amber 24.

On a side note, you know Amber can't stand Blake Lively. Just a feeling I have.

Another new couple is Tom Green and Winona Ryder. Both are offbeat and currently looking for where they left their careers.

I wonder if Wino ever misses Johnny Depp.

Best of luck to the happy couples!

Coincidence? I think not.

A beautiful day. Sunshine. Low humidity. Not a typical August day in the Northeast AT ALL.

(Hi, Global Warming! Get a cocktail and pull up a chair. Put up your feet. You seem to be here to stay.)

Perfect weather on a day when two entertainment sites (Lainey Gossip and Perez Hilton) report that Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams are, indeed, back together.

Best of luck for a 2nd time. They really are just too cute together.

Power Side Ponytail

A new season of The Hills? Already? Ugh.

Luckily, we have Recapper Jessica to help us maneuver through the eyerolls, blank stares, boob jobs, and side swept bangs that make this show the best fake reality on television. On with the recap of the season premiere:

I'm dedicating this, the first recap of the new season of The Hills, to Lo's power side ponytail. Clearly it was this 'do that gave Lo the nerve to cross enemy lines, the backyard pool, and confront Audrina about their friendship woes.

But wait, this was the final scene of tonight's episode. Let's go back a bit.

Lauren apparently "randomly" ran into an old prom date of hers, Doug, after several years of losing touch. I'm sure this guy had no idea about her whereabouts. She's so hard to track down these days. The two go on a date, and YOWZA it was awkward to watch. But aren't all dates on The Hills awkward? There was alot of silent smiling and boring conversation. Check, please.

I don't know how much I can talk about Spencer and the return of his flesh colored beard. Besides his disastrous facial hair, his behavior towards Heidi's sister was ridiculous enough to have everyone question what Heidi sees in him (for the 1000th time). At least Heidi gave her sis, Holly, some extensions before she sent her on her way back to Colorado. After all, a mean, rude, unwelcoming potential brother-in-law is easier to handle when you have longer hair.

Didn't it seem weird when Frankie showed up to Audrina's birthday party with Doug instead of Brody? What was Brody so busy doing that he couldn't bust out his coordinating Laker jersey for his BFF?

Thanks to the person who decided the zoom in on Audrina's new boobs was a necessary part of the episode. Inappropriate!

I didn't think it was possible, but I'm pretty sure that Lauren was out-bitched by Lo at the party. I'd seen glimpses of this from Lo before, but I didn't think the twig actually had it in her.

As a final note, I'd like to give a big thumbs down to MTV for their ridiculously long commercial breaks during this ep. The first one was about 10 minutes long, and the last one featured an extended look at the movie "The House Bunny." Those are minutes I can't get back MTV. Don't let it happen again.

There is too much going on right now

The Hills premiere!

J.Lo training for a triathlon!

Ellen and Portia getting married!

Maddie turning 50! But looking 65!

Michael Phelps wowing me with his skillz!

I'm exhausted.

Did I mention J.Lo is training for a triathlon? What?

Tom Cruise's wacky height

I thought Katie was taller than he was (without heels)?

Saw pics today of him walking her to rehearsal (the bodyguard he has watching her 24/7 must have had the day off) and Tommy appears to be slightly taller. Huh.

Lifts, anyone?

I wish Katie would grab Suri and get the hell out from under Tom's watchful eye and get back to the Creek. She was so young and fresh-faced way back when. Now she looks like she's in her late 40s and auditioning for a Peter Pan remake.

Tom's dream of turning her into a boy lives on!

The Big O in Denver

Oprah and Gayle, the original Samantha and Lindsay, will be in Denver at the end of the month for the Democratic National Convention.

How sweet.

Gayle told Entertainment Tonight that Oprah has no plans to introduce Barack Obama, and doubts that she would be asked to do so.

Poor Oprah fans are probably crying on their dog-eared copies of her magazine over this news. You know they want to see their fearless leader up on stage with Obama.

Simmer down, Oprah fans.

Gayle will also be broadcasting her satellite radio show from Denver starting August 25th. I think Lindsay should be a guest.

Maniston calls it quits

People is reporting that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are over.

Well, that was a nice summer fling, wasn't it? A little longer, actually, as they began dating in April.

Was it John's numerous arm tattoos that sent Jen over the edge? Was Jen being "clingy?" Was John just looking for new material for his Laugh Factory gigs?

Whatever. They both annoy.

More importantly, Michael Phelps is making me tune into the Olympics. Love him!

M-E-O-W

Carrie Underwood has her claws out.

Why so catty?

Well, it seems her ex, Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo, still calls Carrie. A lot. And sometimes when he calls, Carrie lets it go to voicemail. Oh, snap.

Tony is currently dating Jessica Simpson. Carrie knows this. That is why admitting this in a magazine is rather bold. Of course, maybe not everyone reads US Weekly.

Certainly not Joe Simpson.

I'm sure he doesn't pull a Dina Lohan every morning and read through the newspapers looking for any news items about his daughters. Or himself. I'm sure he's never even heard of US Weekly.

That sound you hear is Jessica screaming at Tony.

Donna Martin says "Oh hell, no!"

Last month, it was reported that bad breast job recipient Tori Spelling was dropping out of the new 90210 because she just had her 2nd child. She said that she was hoping to pop up later in the season.

Well, turns out that money is the real reason. Check it: Tori was offered $10,000-$20,000/episode, but Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth were offered $35,000-$50,000/episode. Ouch!

I can see feeling slighted, but Donna was a third wheel, let's not lie. I mean, it was Brenda and Kelly fighting over Dylan, remember? Oh, and when Dean Cain got involved in that mess? Rick, you were caught in the middle of some crazy nonsense! You shouldn't have fallen for Brenda's lame French accent. And those bangs! Wasn't she wearing headbands? Not a good look. Remember when Brenda discovered that Kelly and Dylan were seeing each other naked in the cabanas at the BH Beach Club? Extend those claws, ladies.

I guess Tori is embarrassed, but shouldn't she already feel embarrassed because of that lame Oxygen show with her nasty husband? Or how she got screwed out of millions in her father's will? Poor Tori.

Should the CW take pity on her? Maybe. All I know is that Dawn Ostroff, the head of the CW, has her ass on the line. The CW is under performing as a whole, and this new series is looked at as a glimmer of hope.

I'd update that resume, Dawn.

Maddox turns 7

I had a baby brother for my 7th birthday. Not actually on my birthday, but three months prior. It was so great!

Did I mention that he once rolled off a bed while under my care?

I honestly don't remember what I got for my birthday that year, but I'm sure it did not squelch the deep-ceded bitterness and resentment I felt for having a baby all up in my face after 7 years of alone time.

Did I mention we also had to give my cat away to family friends because we thought my brother was allergic to it? I'll never forget you, Crayon!

Anyway, Maddox Jolie-Pitt had a much more interesting birthday yesterday with his hot dad/my future husband, William Bradley Pitt. The two went to a go-kart track in the South of France and burned rubber. Or whatever go karts do. Safety first, boys! Wear your helmets.

Angie was back at the mansion with their 5 other children, desperate for a drink and some quiet. Just a guess.

Michelle Tanner gets a subpoena

DJ is the only one coming out of Full House unscathed. Good for you, Candace Cameron!

Mary-Kate Olsen has been given a subpoena by the DEA office in NY. That stands for the Drug Enforcement Administration, y'all. Not good. Not good at all.

This stems from the untimely death of Heath Ledger and his association with MK. The DEA thinks MK knows more than she is telling. And I still think it is beyond shady that Heath's masseuse called MK 3 times before calling 911 when she found Heath unconscious in his NY apartment. Does MK have healing powers? Is she, like David Lee Roth, EMS-trained? Please.

And to shovel more shade onto this whole situation, MK has apparently said she will only talk if she is granted immunity. Immunity from what, sweet pea?

Notice how Ashley has not been spending much time with her sister lately? Something smells bad, and it's not just because the ladies love wearing long black clothing on hot LA days.

UPDATE: MK will not have to testify afterall, as the case has been closed. Uh huh. S-H-A-D-Y.

Anderson Cooper has claws

And I hope he never retracts them!

Andy was filling in for Regis on Regis & Kelly this morning and the discussion turned to reality shows. Living Lohan was mentioned. Andy came out swinging, saying that Ali is "supposed to be 14 but really she's more like 60."

HISS and MEOW.

Speak your mind, you cute closet case!

I mean, it's not like he's saying something opposing what we are all thinking. Ali Lohan has hit the wall. At 14. Ouch! Sad, but true. And Andy knows it!

I wonder if he's watching Brooke Knows Best or Keeping Up With the Kardashians? You know he has opinions on those trannies.

Jennifer Aniston must be thrilled

Why?

Because she's dating John Mayer? HA! Would you be thrilled to be dating an a**hole? You would? Well, then you and Jen both need therapy. I mean, have you seen his tattoo arm? John, you're from Fairfield, CT. Just stop with the nonsense already.

Maybe it's for the best that Jen has John in her life, because she's going to need some comforting now that the Jolie-Pitt twins are gracing the cover of this week's People. And those kids are cute. Super-cute even. And don't say that Jen has so much going on in her life (shopping, dating an a**hole) that she doesn't have time for People or their covers and doesn't know when she'd even be near a newsstand.

You know that Courtney Cox-Arquette is on alert and probably going around to all of the Whole Foods in the LA area and buying every last copy so that poor, fragile Jen won't have to see those gorgeous babies and Brad and Ange looking happy and content. Code Red, Courtney. Code Red.

People and OK! Magazine partnered up and shelled out 14 million for the pics. All of the kids are present and accounted for, and Angie looks way too thin to have just had two children ripped from her womb (gross, I know. That's why I can't have children...well, that and not liking them). Brad looks good. Like, amazingly good. Better than he ever looked with Gwyneth or Jennifer. Sorry ladies, it's true.

People is out now. Buy it before Courtney does.

Miss Golden Globe announced

How much money did Bruce and Demi have to pay for this?

Their gorgeous offspring, Rumer Willis, will be Miss Golden Globe for the ceremony to be held in January of next year. GAH.

Rumer was supposed to Globe this past January, but the Writer's Strike forced the ceremony to be scaled back....to practically non-existent. No need for Rumer to direct traffic on stage because there was no stage. Or was there? I think random people announced the winners, including a bunch of hosts from the entertainment news shows. Oh, gosh. Now it's coming back to me: Mary Hart screaming about how excited she was to be there.

The thought of Rumer on stage almost makes me want SAG to strike.

Kidding! Stop with the strike talk. I need a full season of Jim and Pam.

A McGosling sighting

Say what? When? Where? Why?

Don't know what McGosling is? Then clearly you have stumbled, drunk off your ass, out of a club with an Olsen twin.

Have you seen The Notebook? Don't judge! I haven't seen the whole thing, to be honest, but what I saw was good. Ryan Gosling in the rain, for example. His undying love for Rachel McAdams. Her perfectly styled hair. Their onscreen chemistry. All good examples.

Well, they started dating after the film and apparently continue to have quite a following even after their break up. This reminds me of Gartan fans, until we were informed that the Garner half of Gartan was dating Ben Affleck. Ouch! I still get a sharp pain in my side when I think about it. And dry heave. And sometimes cry. But I'm over it. Really.

Uh, so....oh, right. McGosling. Good celebrity name. They should have lasted.

Perhaps hope is not lost, though. Perhaps they will rise from the ashes and survive Ryan's co-starring in a film with Kirsten Dunst (bathe, woman!). Perhaps they will live to once again laugh at Rachel's pink hair phase.

Why so hopeful?

Because, my friends, the two were spotted leaving the Green Door lounge in Hollywood on Tuesday night. Ryan is now a deejay there on Tuesday nights during the club's jazz night. Oy, actors love to spin the beats, don't they? And since when does jazz night need a deejay? Anyway, Rachel came out to support her former boyfriend in a purple dress and matching heels. You know what that means, don't you? Purple is her favorite color. DUH!

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Fingers crossed for these two crazy kids.

Freddie Prinze, Jr. gets a job

This is too random and ridiculous. Hence, why I love it.

Freddie Prinze, Jr. has a new job. Not as Brian Austin Greene's assistant, but as a new member of the WWE's 'creative team.'

Say what? Oh, goodness.

The sometime actor, married to the sweet and personable Sarah Michelle Gellar, is apparently a huge wrestling fan. He's attended several events in the past few months, including Wrestlemania. Who knew?

Is he an HBK fan? DUH! Everyone is.

The big question isn't whether or not he has a Triple H shirt in his closet, but whether or not Sarah is happy about this. On the one hand, at least he's working. On the other, HE'S WORKING FOR THE WWE.

If we start seeing photos of him bulked up, we'll all know what the initiation into the franchise is.

Scandal rocks Celebrity Skewer

This will probably be all over E! and Perez Hilton soon, but I wanted to break the news that there is an internal scuffle taking place at Celebrity Skewer. And it isn't pretty.

The Hills recapper, Jessica, is pulling her own Lo Bosworth and talking trash and causing trouble. No, not about Audrina, but about Brangelina naming Bono godfather of their twins. She not only takes issue with Bono, but about both halves of Brange.

Now, I don't consider myself to be a huge Angie fan. I've gained respect for her efforts as UN Ambassador and full-time uterus over the years, but I still get annoyed. BUT, Brad and Bono will not be vilified. Don't even.

With the upcoming season of The Hills only weeks away (maybe? I don't know), now would not be the time for sass. Someone may find herself out of a job, and in this struggling economy I'm sure I could find someone out there who will work for less pay.

(Please overlook the fact that recappers on this website are not paid for their services).

Time will tell if someone gets their act together and stops hatin'.

In other, less scandalous news, Rebecca "Don't call me Stamos!" Romijn and Jerry "How do I still have a career?" O'Connell are expecting twins by year's end. Congrats!

What an idiot

Oh, Shia.

I was first alerted to a Breaking News bulletin from E! yesterday afternoon while watching some special on Britney's meltdown. (Riveting, by the way). Then I see that Shia got himself a DUI early Sunday morning in LA after getting into an accident.

Shia loves the sauce, doesn't he?

I remember when he was on Letterman promoting the Indy movie and talked about his incident at Walgreens when he was charged with misdemeanor criminal trespassing. At Walgreens. Why, you ask? Because his drunk ass wanted cigarettes and entered a Walgreens repeatedly, each time forgetting the cigarettes because he became paranoid that a security guard thought he was shoplifting. Dummy even went back to his hotel room to change clothes in order to keep the guard from remembering him. Uh huh.

The simple days of Even Stevens seem so far away, don't they?

Luckily, no one was seriously hurt in Sunday's accident. Shia actually suffered the most damage, having to have extensive surgery on his left hand. This will hold up production on Transformers 2 and Michael Bay doesn't seem the type to take news like this lightly. Not to mention the fact that a SAG strike is looming and people are trying to wrap up film shoots as quickly as possible.

Good going, LaBeouf.

Anyone watching Bikini or Bust?

It's a new TLC series on Friday nights after What Not to Wear. Now that Johnny K. is getting ready to start Season 5 of The Office, my Friday nights are free. Love you, John! Thanks for a great few weeks of pretend dates!

Ahem.

So, Ashley Paige is a bikini designer that has no money to make her designs in bulk. She needs a backer or fairy godmother to supply the cash so she can make millions of ruffled bikinis for the masses. Somehow she barely scrapes together the rent for her studio and I assume she is paying her staff. She is too flighty to work with for them to be doing this for free.

Did I mention she loves candles? She is very mystical and into seances and spirits and she is so someone I would not be friends with for even a minute. But there is something intriguing about her never having money (check!), not having a boyfriend (check!), and having her mother around constantly (check!). If I was creative, had stringy hair in desperate need of conditioning, and weighed 90 lbs., we could be twins.

Check out TLC Friday nights at 10:00pm and watch this mess.

Also, Amy Winehouse thinks her drug addict husband would make a great father. Crackheads are so funny!

The wonder twins were made in a science lab

Really? According to US Weekly, Brange used in vitro fertilization so that the Ange part of Brange wouldn't have to "deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant."

Is that a sly remark about her not wanting to have sex with Brad?

I better call her brother James to find out the real story. You know, the one we all thought she was in love with years ago? Oh, Angelina. What a strange trip it has been.

Regardless of how she achieved two people living in her womb for almost 9 months, they are out now and I expect to see them on a magazine cover very soon. Some guesses are that photos will go for 16 million. Cha-ching! If only normal people could profit from popping out children for photo shoots. I'd have 10 by now. Ouch!

Oh, right. Brange is going to give the money to charity. How about a cool million to the writer of this blog? I'll buy a better layout and dedicate it to Shiloh! Pinky swear!

Fine. I'd blow it all on Ben & Jerry's. But I'd raise a spoon to Shiloh as I dig into New York Super Fudge Chunk.

Jessica Biel will be pissed

You know why?

Because reports claim that Justin will duet with Brit Brit on her new album.

Say what?

For reals, yo. (That is my Justin impersonation, btw).

I've heard these reports before. Wasn't J supposed to guest on B's last album? I guess even he saw through the haze of Cheetos dust and knew those songs were going to be ass. Maybe he's not as dumb as he looks. Or acts (in movies or on stage).

Will there be a renewed spark now that Britney's weaves have gotten a tiny bit better and she seems to have gotten her life in order? In the immortal words of one Mr. Justin Bobby, "Truth and time will tell."

Preach it!

This doesn't sound good

Christian Bale was arrested in London on Tuesday after assault allegations were made by his mother and sister.

Easy, Bruce Wayne.

The incident occurred on Sunday at the Dorchester hotel, where Christian was staying for the UK premiere of The Dark Knight. He allegedly "lashed out" at his mother and sister in his hotel room.

Hmmm....I lash out at my tv when A-Rod strikes out with the bases loaded, or when Andy steals Jim's thunder and I'm left with not seeing a Jim/Pam engagement for an entire summer, but this sounds more threatening.

Oh, Christian. What the hell? You have everything going for you. The movie is a phenomenon, you are well-liked and respected in Hollywood....this is not acceptable behavior. EVER.

I hope he doesn't try to blame it on jet lag or insomnia. And I hope his daughter wasn't present at the time.

Christian was released after being questioned and has to return to a London police station in September.

Tori Spelling lies

Tori claims to be thrilled to hear that Shannen Doherty will be joining her and appearing in several episodes of the CW's new 90210. Uh huh!

And Steve Sanders is a Mensa member!

Shannen will be reprising her role of Brenda Walsh for the new show, and will come in with guns blazing, I'm sure. Will she still wear bangs that fall in her face and cause her to blink EVERY SECOND OF HER LIFE? That is the question.

Brenda is now a drama teacher and will direct a play at good ole' West Beverly. Appropriate, as Brenda knew from drama while on the show. Will David Silver be doing the score on his keyboard? Will Steve provide tank tops for the boys in the cast?

Now, I know that Tori was the one person that remained tight with Shannen after all of Shannen's nonsense and eye rolling on set, but I thought that even Tori grew tired of the drama. And, I mean, if Tori Spelling grows tired of your stank attitude and tells you to beat it, something is wrong and you really need to look inward or read a self-help book to get it together. At least Shannen got rid of nasty-ass Rick Solomon before he picked up an STD (or 12) from Paris and Pam.

Shannen is the fourth member of the original cast to be joining the spin-off. In addition to Tori, Jennie Garth will be back as Kelly Taylor, now a counselor at West Beverly, and Joe E. Tata will be back as Nat (at least in the pilot). The Peach Pit lives!

Did the Peach Pit After Dark survive? Where is Jamie Walters? You know Ray Pruit still needs extra money to buy that other "T."

Will little Vi have a Tulip or Daisy to play with?

Speculation has been reaching a fever pitch lately that something is happening in the Garner/Affleck household. There were rumors as recent as last month that the couple was going to call it quits. And, no, those rumors were not started by the handsome and french Mr. Michael Vartan!

Well, now Victor Garber has gone and spilled the beans that Jennifer is pregnant! Will Jen be pleased that her main gay has loose lips with the media? If Vic has a black eye within the next few days, we'll know the answer.

Apparently Jen is 5 months pregnant and the couple is very happy. YAWN. I liked it better when Ben was gambling away his savings and showing up wasted to interviews. The good ole' days. Now he's directing movies and being domestic. Boring.

If it's a boy this time around I think they should name it Vaughn. Heh.

Emmy nominations - Blergh!

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled that Steve and Rainn and Alec and Tina and Lee and Kristin and Amy and Will and Jean and Christina and Neil were nominated. And The Office and 30 Rock and Lost were given their due.

But, where are my Friday Night Lights nominations? I defy anyone to explain to me (using logic and reason) why Kyle Chandler and Connie Britton were not nominated! Why wasn't Pushing Daisies given a Best Comedy nom? Two and a Half Men? Really?

John Krasinski, where is your nomination? Did The Piv take it again? John did outstanding work on a shortened season of The Office. After his poorly-chosen submission for last year's Emmy's, I was sure he would get a nomination this year with an episode entitled 'Branch Wars.' You remember it, don't you? When Michael and Dwight kidnap Jim and force him to go to the Utica branch to see ex-girlfriend, Karen, in hopes of keeping her from luring Stanley out of Scranton. That episode. John was funny, flustered, overwhelmed, and displayed a mean Irish brogue at the end. Emmy voters, you suck!

And so help me, if Seacrest wins 'Outstanding Host, Reality Series,' it will get ugly. Team Heidi (Klum, not Montag)!

You're out!

And since I'm talking about Project Runway, or P. Run, as some people like to call it, you know I mean "Out of the closet."

I have just heard from one of my sources that Austin Scarlett makes an appearance on tonight's Season 5 premiere episode. You remember, Austin, don't you? He was a Season 1 contestant that looked strangely like a mannequin. And I don't mean the movie with Kim Cattrell!

Anyway, I can't wait to see what whack jobs are on this final season on Bravo. Next season will start a run on Lifetime. I demand that Bea Arthur be a judge when that happens, by the way!

Enjoy the magnificence of Tim Gunn, the beauty of Heidi Klum, the bitchiness of Nina Garcia, and the dark blazer of Michael Kors tonight at 9pm.

Auf Wiedersehen!

Tranny going to jail

Khloe Kardashian is going to jail. And not for her hideous wardrobe, either!

The Chynna look-a-like was sentenced up to 30 days in LA County jail because she violated her probation following a DUI arrest. Dumb ass didn't complete her community service or enroll in alcohol education classes.

Well, who has time for that when there is a (staged) reality show to film?

Here's hoping she makes life-long friends and learns the latest in tranny fashion while behind bars. I'm sure Kim will pick her tightest outfit and visit her sister on a Very Special Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Knox me over with a feather

Thank you! I'll be here all week!

Angie gave birth to a boy and a girl on Saturday. That makes it six children in total, and I think it's safe to say that unless she and Brad are robots (and, they might be), they should both start looking beyond beat over the next several months. Seriously, I want to see Angie photographed with dark circles and bad hair, dammit!

So, anyway, they named their son Knox Leon. I sort of want to call Social Services, but I assume they would just laugh at me. BUT, COME ON! What the hell? At least their daughter has a more refined name: Vivienne Marcheline (Marcheline was Angie's mom's name).

Now, I didn't expect the boy to be named Jon, even though Angie has opened the lines of communication with her father after a long estrangement. Still, Knox? I guess if we can have an Apple, we can have a Knox. How hilarious would it be if they ended up together? Would Apple leave Knox for Pilot Inspektor? I smell a WB series about famous Hollywood children.

Congrats to the happy family.

Next up: Gwen Stefani. Some are speculating that she may also be carrying twins because she is so huge. Rude! Maybe it's just gas.

My invite was lost in the mail, I'm sure

Uh, Bono. We need to talk. STAT. I've spent a lot of money on cds, posters, and concert tickets over the years. I've hauled ass to see you in arenas and stadiums, sometimes having to stand on folding chairs and mentally curse the tall a**holes in front of me.

I've helped to pay for the mansion you invited Brad to. And now I want a tour!

So, Humanitarian, Activist, and all-around Ego maniacal Mad Man, Bono, invited Brad, Pax, and Robert De Niro and his brood to his mansion in Eze. I would have carpooled! Or walked. I can walk. Just make sure you have a cocktail and some chips and dip waiting for me when I get there. Some guacamole, too.

After a few days of visiting Angie in the hospital, you know Brad wanted some fresh air. I hear pregnancy hormones are a nightmare, and Angie looks like she would pull a knife on someone if the mood were to strike.

She's got crazy eyes.

Just call her 'Earl'

Maddie doesn't want karma kicking her ass because of this whole A-Rod mess, so the too-skinny pop icon has extended a hand to Britney. The girl-with-bad-weaves will tape a video segment to be used in Maddie's Sticky & Sweet Tour.

I'm sure it will be epic.

Brit got her weave did and reported for work at 9am this morning in West Hollywood. What a big girl! She showed up for a job! How novel.

I can't wait for all of my readers to write in and tell me what the video segment was and how much they loved/hated it. All of you out there, write a review of the show as soon as you see it!!! All of you.

Uh, yeah.

Drew and Warren P. Cheswick split

I loved Justin Long on Ed. I loved that show so much. Great cast. Justin was a riot as Warren.

He and Ms. Barrymore met on the set of He's Just Not That Into You last year, and quickly began smooching on each other. They were photographed everywhere and seemed to really be crazy for each other (they also seemed really high most of the time, but maybe that is just me).

Since the movie was pushed back to February of '09, that might be an awkward premiere red carpet. Of course, getting pushed back to February most likely means the movie blows, so I'm sure it would be awkward anyway.

Best of luck to both with future relationships!

Just call me Friday

Do you know why?

Because Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban named their daughter Sunday, and I want to compete! Everything in life is a competition, after all.

Sunday Rose Kidman was born....wait for it....on a Monday. Today. This Monday. So, it makes sense for her to be named Sunday. Like, never.

Is Botox to blame for this name? Has it permanently paralyzed Nic's forehead AND BRAIN? Or was this Keith's suggestion after hitting the bottle? Maybe he thought today was Sunday? The whole thing stinks of shady.

You know what else stinks? NY subway stations in the summer. But, I did meet Stephen Pasquale from Rescue Me on Saturday, so I don't care about the stink of summer in NY! Stephen is cute, and cute trumps stink.

Most of the time.