Sass for days

That's what you'll find in this recap..........

Also, Marc Jacobs = over-rated. But that's just me.


Tonight's recap is coming to you in a new format. I know, you can't even take the excitement of it all, can you?

10:00--Whitney suggests putting photo booths in the confessionals of a church, which is the location she's chosen for a Teen Vogue fashion show. I sure hope the pope's TiVo malfunctions so he doesn't catch this one.

10:04--We find out that even Frankie, one of Brody's hanger on type friends, works. See Spencer, even Frankie gets a paycheck! Okay, so it turns out he only works one day a week, but still, that's enough for more oversized aviators and designer jeans, right Frankie?

10:07--The Teen Vogue girls enter the NYC offices of the mag, and meet with editor Amy Astley. You know hiding behind Amy's severely cut bangs is a true force to be reckoned with. I hope the girls make it out of the city alive.

10:14--Despite being dressed for the meeting back at TV, Lauren is put to work at the casting for the fashion show at Marc Jacobs' design studio. Insert the Chandler Bing whip sound effect here.

10:16--CARPET! How dare Whitney suggest a carpet runway at the show?!? The T.Vogue queen in the red spectacles is having NONE of this, as is evidenced by his numerous over dramatic facial expressions.

10:18--We get a nice long ass shot of Marc Jacobs. Did we really want one? NO.

10:20--Lauren tells Whitney she misses Brody. Gag me.

10:27--Brody and Lauren spoon on her sofa. Does anyone else get the feeling that the minute after the cameras stopped rolling these two got up, shook hands, parted ways, and said "See you again to do this tomorrow"?

10:29--The ep is over and we see yet another plug for the Virtual Hills. I don't know about you but I'm gonna go now and build my own virtual person to walk around the virtual world and I'm gonna have so much virtual fun. See you again in virtually a week!

Quick hits

*smack*

Listen up:

Amy Winehouse better get it together. She was drunk and crying at her concert in Zurich last night. Girl, wash your beehive and stay off the hooch. And the smack.

A new poll shows that 13% of Americans would vote for Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert for President. Why the hell not?

Star magazine is reporting that Ellen and Portia have broken up. Stop it. I hope it wasn't over the dog debacle. So sad. If it's true, James Tupper better watch Anne Heche like a hawk.

Reese and Jake are seen walking hand-in-hand in Rome. And smiling and looking adorable, to boot. Hmm.....so maybe the rumors were true. Something still seems fishy to me, but those pictures were cute. Maybe they are just really great actors.

Rehabs around the country prepare for January 1, 2008

That's when Linds will march right back in with her skeezy father in tow, astounded by the fact that she couldn't handle a New Year's Eve cocktail of vodka, coke, and crack, which caused her to scream "Dick Clark and Seacrest have nothing on me, bitches!!!!"

So, it appears that Linds is contractually obligated to host a New Year's Eve party at Vegas hot spot LAX. She'd be better off running on the tarmac at LAX in Los Angeles and trying to dodge planes ready for takeoff. Oh, this is going to be bad.

Sources claim that Linds had no choice in taking the gig because her lame ass is broke and can't pay back Pure Management Group the hundreds of thousands of dollars she owes them for bailing on her 21st birthday party. So, let's see......you get Pure Nightclub to pay you a ton of money to show up for your 21st birthday. You enter rehab instead, and blow through all of that money on....wait for it.....blow! Damn, she loved her drugs.

So, I guess while I gorge myself on bitterness and regret this New Year's Eve, some rehab worker will be readying a VIP room complete with copies of Vogue and The Hollywood Reporter for Lindsay's arrival. Oh, and installing video cameras in the room so they can sell the footage to TMZ and start their year off rolling in green.

Best of luck to you!

UPDATE!!!!

LAX just sent a press release claiming that Paris and Nicky will be hosting the event. Hmmmm.......the plot thickens. Or thins.

All hail Halo!

And I don't mean the video game.

I'm talking about super secret couple Milo Ventigmilia and Hayden Panettiere, from Heroes. I guess you could also call them Mayden, but I'd rather only type four letters.

According to In Touch, Milo bought Hayden an 18-karat yellow gold ring from Tiffany & Co for her 18th birthday. 18 years old...18 karats....oh, Milo. So smart. Looks like someone saved their Gilmore Girls money instead of spending it on Alexis. Poor Rory. She ran very awkwardly, and some guys just can't handle it.

So, here's the deal: Hayden just turned 18 and Milo is 30. It's legal and it is on! There was video of them dancing and whispering and maybe kissing at either a pre or post-Emmys party. That's close enough for me to declare it true! I'm so easy.

They have denied anything is going on, but remember how Milo was sitting next to my super secret boyfriend, John Krasinski, a few weeks ago at a hockey game? Well, John knows all about being covert. First, he hasn't leaked that we are together, and he keeps denying he is dating Rashida Jones. Maybe he gave Milo some tips while the zamboni cleaned the ice.

Just call us Passinski!

The Hills are alive, with the sound of Spencer whining

Oh, another Monday night is here. Here we go...

Lauren meets a male model, Gavin, at a casting. He asks her out and she accepts. I call that she doesn't end up feeling this cat. Did she dish out a fake number? We shall see.

Can someone check Spencer's IQ? How many times does Heidi have to explain to him that she has a time consuming job before he understands? I think we're up to about 5 now. Anyway, Spencer went all diva and almost started to tear up like a little girl when Heidi went to work and left him all alone in his dome of solitude. What a punk.

The scene is set for a Brody/male model throwdown at Brody's barbecue. If a fight ensues, I'm not sure who I'd put my money on. Gavin is pretty short and his face is his livelihood. But, Brody is down to only one fully functioning hand. Wow, I call it a draw.

Whitney finally joins in on the extra curricular activities and shows up at the bbq! I still, however, notice the void that is left by Justin Bobby not attending. Who has been able to erase the images of his flesh colored bathing suit and combat boots from the last time he went bbq'ing? I don't think anyone has.

Gavin brings up camping on Catalina. I'm sure everyone remembers when Lauren camped on Catalina in the first season of Laguna Beach, right? Stephen dressed up as a bear (I didn't realize how random that seems out of context...although in context it's still weird enough) and Lauren just sat alone in a beach chair reading magazines the whole time. Okay, enough LB reminiscing for now...

Brody and Gavin get deep while grilling up some burgers. Ah, two guys talking about relationships over the grill. It really takes away all the normal masculine appeal of such an activity, doesn't it? Way to girl it up there, guys.

Spencer is pouty on the phone when he calls Heidi (possessive much?) while she's working her NASCAR event. Wait, people in LA care about NASCAR?!? What?!? But seriously Spencer, just get over it. Ugh.

I see Spencer found a way to clear his busy schedule before popping in to Heidi's office. PS, someone check to see if Heidi's gotten a restraining order yet because this is starting to get stalker-ish.

Lauren is finally on her date with Gavin, and things don't seem to be going well. I called it. She looks about five seconds away from puking up salmon roll all over model boy's purposely disheveled, ultra highlighted hair. At least Gavin's agent will be proud he scored so much face time. Cha-ching!

Lauren rushes home from her date and calls Brody to invite him over to (insert finger quotes) "watch a movie." How badly is this a booty call? SO BADLY.

Seeing as my day started off by having a bird poop on me while I walked to work, I can honestly say that after watching that ep the day is ending on a much better note.

Thanks for reading!

I bet they are full of Red Bull

Brit is getting her lips injected. She looks ridiculous. Surprise!

OH MY GOSH, why won't someone save this woman from herself? She's clearly too stupid to do it herself. Oh, and drunk. And lazy.

What happened to that intervention that Lynne and Jamie Lynn attempted a few weeks back? That was helpful. All I saw was Brit dragging Jamie Lynn to Taco Bell or some other stank fast food joint. The best part was when this woman yelled at Britney to move out of the neighborhood and Jamie Lynn took a defensive stance and looked like she was ready to throw down.

Easy, Jamie Lynn. You don't look much brighter than your sister and I'm sure you will be pregnant sooner than later thanks to some douche that tells you your eyes are really pretty and you are way more talented than your sister ever was.

These Spears women are exhausting.

Ryan and Rachel are over

It's official. Gosling and McAdams are done. Kaput. Finished. Well, you get it.

Ryan sets the record straight in the new issue of GQ, telling the magazine "God Bless The Notebook. It introduced me to one of the great loves of my life." Awww. Wait. Does that mean he's had other great loves? Or is he being optimistic that he will find another great love? Maybe he just means he also loves his dog. It's such a mystery!

Ryan goes on to explain that they broke up a few months ago, telling the mag "The only thing I remember is we both went down swingin’ and we called it a draw." Hmmm....sounds violent. And cagey. Just admit you grew too attached to the blow up doll you kept after filming your movie Lars and the Real Girl. I won't think any less of you, Ryan. Or will I?

Why do I care about this? It's not like I set them up or went to high school with either of them or, you know, KNOW THEM. I should be concerned about my own love life, which is non-existent. Could it be because I find celebrities more interesting than normal men I'm likely to meet on a daily basis? Maybe. Yes. Whatever!

Ryan, call me.

I would expect nothing less

Lindsay has found herself a loser and she couldn't be happier! Who's cutting the coke, because it's time to PAAAARTAYYYY!!! Whoo-hoo!!

She tells the latest In Touch that she and boyfriend-she-met-in-rehab, Riley Giles, bonded over their mutual love of rock climbing. And vodka. And white lines. "Get higher baby. Get higher baby. Get higher baby, and don't ever come down. Freebase!"

Isn't it a no-no to hook up in rehab? Or did the Sandy Bullock movie, 28 Days, deceive me? Couldn't she just work on re-establishing relationships with her siblings? Maybe try to keep a plant alive for a few months? This girl should have White Hot Mess tattooed on her forehead. Oh, Linds!

And that boyfriend's name sounds made up. Weren't "Riley" and "Giles" characters on Buffy? Uh, yes. You know this douche is going to say his dream is to be in a band or act opposite Pauly Shore. Biodome 2 may have life, afterall!

To add to this trainwreck, Riley admits that he broke up with his girlfriend (of two years) a week before dating Lindsay. Nothing says "true love" like a rebound in rehab. OH MY GOSH, someone help this woman make decisions that won't land her in jail or my blog. His ex claims they were engaged, but Riley says no. SHADY!

I need a nap before I can give this girl any empathy. I'm wiped out.

The Hills

And now another hilarious recap of a show that provides more laughs than it should:

Here were my thoughts as I was watching this week's episode:

Why was Whitney folding clothes in the Teen Vogue closet while Lauren was (not) busy receiving cryptic text messages from Jen Bunney? Lauren, I know you're the star of the show, but Whit's your boss, so put down your phone and get back to work.

Since Lo refers to J.Bunney simply as "Bunns", I will also do the same. Where Lo leads, I will follow. PS, Lo with darker hair? Love it.

Heidi's boss, Brent Bolthouse...not good looking. Just had to say that for the record.

Heidi looked confused when Mr. Bossman was talking to her about living up to her responsibilities at work. Was it the three syllable words? Maybe. Or was she simply trying to figure out what he was thinking when he adopted that odd haircut?

If you squint your eyes, Justin Bobby kind of looks like Orlando Bloom. Not the clean cut movie star Orlando Bloom, though. I'm talking about the "I'm too cool to care what I look like as I stroll around London looking like a bum" Orlando Bloom.

Why do Heidi and Bunns continue to meet for meals when they are always so awkward? This time Bunns confronted Heidi about the origins of The Rumor, and Heidi responded by dishing out enough death stares to send her all the way back to Orange County.

Will Brody and Lauren prove to be the next big power couple? Can globetrotting on behalf of humanitarian efforts and adopting kids along the way be very far behind?

We'll have to tune in next week to find out. Until then, happy TV watching and remember...truth and time tells all.

Peter and Jim enjoy hockey

Who knew?

Milo Ventigmilia and John Krasinski were spotted at the Boston Bruins/LA Kings game at the Staples Center this weekend. Man, I hate hockey. BUT I WOULD HAVE PAID TO BE AT THAT GAME.

I can already hear my sister saying she liked Milo first, and knew he was cute and was going to get cuter as he got older, but just shut it because not even she could have predicted Milo being that much cuter than when he was on Gilmore Girls. I mean, enough with the leather jacket and bad attitude, Jess Mariano. He was annoying! And annoying blocks cute as far as I'm concerned.

But now he's on Heroes and he's all buff and finally got a decent haircut that keeps him from having to push his hair out of his eyes. I bet that was a drinking game started by some fan in like the 2nd episode of the first season. Heroes fan are all a bunch of lushes now! Thanks, Milo.

Oh, and Steve Carell was also at the game, sitting on the other side of John, so NBC must have given them tickets. Gracias, NBC.

Do your life a favor and watch this show

Seriously. Your life will thank you.

It's called Pushing Daisies and it's on Wednesday nights at 8:00. And it is so good. It's sweet and funny and weird and whimsical and the bright colors and offbeat characters will make you wish you lived inside your tv and worked in a pie shop.

This is a show that is fantasy-based, so if that isn't your cup of tea...well, you won't be interested. I mean, the premise is about a guy named Ned who can bring the dead back to life by touching them. But only for a minute! If he let's them live past a minute, someone else will die. What a pain in the ass gift.

Ned discovered this gift when he was a boy and his dog was hit by a truck. Yay for saving your dog's life! Unfortunately, Ned has since not been able to pet Digby. If he does, (and here's another kink in the gift), the dog will be dead forever. Boo!

The same problem arises when Ned's childhood sweetheart, Charlotte, or "Chuck," is murdered while on a cruise. Ned brings her back to life (awwww), but can never touch her (boo). BUT, as of last night, there are ways around it! They can touch through plastic body bags(kinky!), and through gloves(like when they held hands last night). Oh, Ned. Your eyebrows are too thick, but you are sweet and romantic and make pies. Marry me!

Lee Pace (Ned) and Anna Friel (Chuck) have wonderful chemistry and are my new favorite couple behind Jim and Pam. Damn you tv for making it impossible for me to find a man because he will never live up to a Pie Maker or an Assistant Regional Manager of a mid-level paper company!! Pass the Ben and Jerry's!

Anyway, the supporting cast is also a lot of fun. Chi McBride plays Ned's partner, Emerson. He's a PI who knows about Ned's gift and decides that they should solve crimes and collect the reward money. Sneaky! He is very gruff and funny and likes to knit to calm his nerves. Wonderful.

Kristin Chenoweth plays Olive, Ned's employee at the Pie Hole(best restaurant name ever) who has a major crush on him and doesn't like the sudden appearance of Chuck. Oh, Olive, you are so sweet and in love and you take care of Digby for Ned, but he loves Chuck and you are going to get your heart broken. And Kristin Chenoweth is perfectly cast because she is so petite and adorable in her naivete. And she belted out a mean "Hopelessly Devoted to You" in last night's episode. Olivia Newton-John would be so proud!

Swoosie Kurtz and Ellen Greene play Chuck's eccentric aunts who don't know that she is alive because they would freak the eff out. They wear bizarre clothes and Swoosie sports an eye patch(like Steve from Days of Our Lives), and it will be interesting to see how they are integrated in future episodes.

So, there you have it. A unique show with snappy dialogue and fun sets. It's quirky and silly and yet very believable and extremely enjoyable.

Set those TiVos!

Jai Rodriguez makes me laugh

But not with him. AT HIM.

Oh, Jai, you try so hard, and I think that is why you are my least favorite of the Fab Five on Queer Eye. You are no longer in Rent, and you need to get over it. Not everything is as theatrical as "Seasons of Love."

That being said, this is the final season of Queer Eye, and they kicked it off with a Mr. Straight Guy pageant hosted by Susan "How dare you make me wait so long to win an Emmy, bitches!" Lucci. To kick off the show, the five guys bounced out on stage and Jai began to sing the Queer Eye theme song. OH MY GOSH, no! It was hilarious. Also hilarious? The choreographed dance moves done by the other four. Just stop it. I was dying. My sister and I are convinced that this was Jai's doing. I could see Thom rolling his eyes and reluctantly agreeing to it. Oh, Thom.

Later in the show, Jai proved annoying once again by breaking it down with an acoustic version of the theme. Oh, and did I mention that Ted was on guitar???? STOP KILLING ME WITH THESE MOMENTS OF PURE GENIUS, QUEER EYE PRODUCERS!

The day you get Ted Allen to do choreographed dance moves and play guitar is...well, that day has passed, because he was up there with his trendy glasses and perfectly pressed suit. Ted, I love you and your snobbish culinary ways!

And can we talk about the glory of Thom Filicia? Thom and I did not start off on the right foot. I thought he was way too sassy, and you know I love sass. I was secretly hoping they would send his ass to IKEA and watch him have a meltdown next to the bed frames. BUT, Thom won me over during the next few years because he mellowed the hell out. He's now my favorite after Carson.

Oh, Kressley. I love you and your witty comebacks. Going shopping with you has always been one of my favorite parts of the show because you are truly happy shopping with the straights and educating them on why pants should fit you properly and why a t-shirt and jeans won't cut it at a rehearsal dinner. Plus, you usually make at least one inappropriate comment or just go ahead and put your hand dangerously close to the guy's crotch.

Last, but not least, we have Kyan Douglas. Kyan is so good looking that he makes me angry. That's right. ANGRY. Not only wouldn't he be into me because he's gay, but he wouldn't be into me because he's too lovely and would say mean things about my hair. Instead of hating, just point me in the direction of some defrizzing balm. I mean, really.

The final season of Queer Eye airs on Bravo Tuesday nights at 9:00.

The Hills so far

The following is provided by guest recapper, Jessica. She will be taking you on a journey of The Hills as only she can. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect my own(she wants to be friends with some of these brats), BUT this will prove that my wit and humor has trickled down to one of my siblings. Lucky girl! Now, on with the recap......

So tonight MTV threw us one of their lame recap episodes of The Hills. Now, do I need a recap when I watch each episode on average 3 times in the same week? Absolutely not. Can I break the first part of season 3 down for you without even trying? Absolutely.

Here's what we already know:

1. Lauren and Heidi still hate each other. In fact, they hate each other so much it makes you wonder how the two ever got along in the first place. Although, back in the pre-Spencer era, Heidi was just a fun loving girl with a big nose and small boobs. Hey, I didn't say it. Heidi's article in Us Weekly did.

2. Audrina likes losers who one day wake up and decide they want to change their name. This season has brought us one of the most memorable secondary characters in this show's history, Justin Bobby. Is his name Justin? Is his name Bobby? Who knows! What we do know is that he doesn't like to shower. And he is really attached to unfashionable, seasonally inappropriate hats. An over sized knit cap in L.A. in the summer? I think not J.B.

3. Whitney is stunningly beautiful. She is always poised and well put together. She often times counteracts the craziness that the other three main girls bring to the table by offering invaluable insight into this craziness. Whit (as I would call her if I were her actual friend...sigh) may benefit from a few late night runs to In N Out Burger after that shot of her in those skinny mini jeans a few ep's back, but I won't hold that against her...for now.

4. Lo is back and better than ever! She has been one of my favorites since the first season of Laguna Beach. A world where her and "LC" weren't best buds just wasn't a world I wanted to live in.

5. Spencer's facial hair is out of control. It's oddly super light blond and it doesn't help the already (in my opinion) unattractive Mr. Pratt. I don't think 14 year old girls are tuning in and thinking this guy's hot either. As a side note, what is he doing on his laptop all day? It seems like every time they show him in his and Heidi's apartment, he is typing away on that bad boy. I'm thinking he's either cruising for porn or checking how many friends he has on MySpace. You and I both know he's not working.

6. Brody and Spencer broke up. I know, they're not gay. At least not admittedly so. But the end of their friendship played out like two ex-lovers calling it quits.

7. The infamous Jen Bunney is still not smart. Or worthy of air time. But, she does look prettier this season. Did she pull an Ashlee Simpson and get medically necessary surgery on her nose? I know, I couldn't even type that without laughing. Someone get to the bottom of this for me.

8. Jason, AKA The Wolfman, is engaged to some little blond teenybopper who looked like she could kill Lauren with her bare hands if she wanted to. Maybe it was just the too-dark eyeliner that made her seem tough. Show of hands, who thinks this relationship is going to last? Yeah, I didn't think so either.

With all that being said, I can't believe I have to wait another seven days for next week's episode. I mean, I need something new to discuss, analyze, and re-watch over and over again during a weekend MTV mini-marathon. See ya next week!

I'm happy that they are so happy

No, really!

Brad, his corpse bride, and their two boys went to the off-Broadway show Jump last night. Earlier in the day, they took the whole brood on a helicopter ride around the city. Rub your family-time in my face, why don't you? *smack*

Gah! I never run into famous people in the lobby when I am seeing plays/musicals in New York. Well, other than when I wait with the other freaks for the actors to come outside after the show. Or, when I walk out of the theater after a bathroom break and spy Noel Crane sitting on a stoop and casually checking his cellphone messages.

*Scott Foley, I love you and you remain the best star meeting I have ever had.*

Pssst....Brad, I'm seeing Annie Lennox and Duran Duran next month. Make an appearance. Thanks. Love always, your next mistress. And I don't have any kids! Bonus!

Blame it on the Hep C?

Does it cause poor decision-making? Is she just perpetually drunk? I can't really believe a sober person in perfect health would a). want to do this, b). allow themselves to do this.

Regardless, Pam Anderson married Rick Salomon in Las Vegas last night. Tobey McGuire was a guest. RANDOM! Did they ask him to dress as Spidey and spin a web of love around them?

WTF, Pam? Why do you find skeevy guys attractive? Why do you want to marry them? How could you let the douche that taped himself having sex with Paris near your kids? I feel sick.

I give this six months at most.

Gah. So nasty.

The news you have all been waiting for!

Wait. Who reads this?

Anyway, I have just been informed that starting next week, we will have recaps of The Hills. That's right! The Hills. Team Elodie!

Get ready for every twist, turn, bitch face, eye roll, and mumble from the likes of Lauren, Heidi, Lo, Audrina, Justin Bobby, Spencer, and that blonde girl that actually works for a living.

Also, Brit is supposedly going to Crossroads rehab, not to be confused with the movie Crossroads she starred in.

Life is weird, y'all!

Brit loses the two people that combed out her weaves

The boys are going to stay with Kevin for a while. Uh-oh.

The lesser of two evils? Maybe. Maybe not.

This is a very sad story that will probably get worse before it gets better. I'd like to know why it took this long to take the kids away, but aren't the kids always the ones that suffer the most in situations like this? Poor things.

I hope Kevin has enough money to buy the boys some new sneakers. Run for your lives, little ones!!

Reason #299,890,905 to love David Letterman

He grilled Paris Hilton on her time in the slammer last week. Oh, Dave. As if I didn't already adore you.

In the beginning, you could see that Paris was going along with it, probably figuring that if she just answers the questions quickly that he'll move on. BUT WAIT! He didn't move on. He had questions after question ready for her scrawny ass, and you know he loved every minute of it. Let's face it: Dave has always been grouchy and liked to conduct interviews his way. You know immediately when he doesn't like someone and doesn't want to put up with their bullshit.

So, Paris starts to realize after a few minutes that he isn't going to let up, and she starts to get jittery. Then she uses the tactic of stating that she wants to move on. Then she puts her hand up. Then she finally says that Dave was making her sad that she agreed to come on.

And Dave, being Dave, offered to buy her a parakeet for her troubles.

Have I mentioned that I love David Letterman?