Reese wants to be Legally Separated

Thanks! I'll be here all week.

Ahem.

So, I know I shouldn't be surprised, but I am disappointed to read that Reese and Ryan are calling it quits after seven years of marriage.

Yes, they married young, and her career took off while his....zzzzz.....oh, right. But I was actually rooting for these two, and I rarely do that.

They seemed happy, and there were always pictures to be found of Ryan out with the kids. Maybe he got tired of playing Mr. Mom. Pssst: there is such a thing as birth control. I'm just sayin'.

I wonder if Reese's Oscar win went over well in their household....hmmmm.......

Now, I did hear rumors of infidelity on his part. I hope that isn't true.

And, because they have children, I hope that this doesn't turn nasty and become a public spectacle.

I mean, just look at all that poor Ireland Baldwin has had to endure. Two words for you: future stripper.

Put down the crack pipe, pick up the ice

The Carousel of Hope ball was this past Saturday, and Whitney stole the show. Sadly, it wasn't because of incoherent rambling brought on by drugs. Damn!

I have to say, she looked better than I've seen her in years. She bought a fabulous new wig and threw on some expensive jewels for the event. She arrived on the arm of Mr. Clive Davis, who I am now referring to as her Fairy Godfather(because, sadly, it looks like he's done more for her in the past few months then her own family).

Clive and Quincy Jones were honored at the event, which benefits the Barbara Davis Center for Childhood Diabetes. Very nice.

I also have to say, I think Whitney looked even better then Halle. I know, I'm just as shocked that I said it.

Maybe I'm on crack.

Sacred Heart can kick Seattle Grace's butt

NBC announced this week that they are bringing Scrubs back to their lineup starting November 30th. It will be in the heavily-populated time slot of 9:00 on Thursdays.

I AM SO EXCITED!

I love Scrubs. It is absolutely hilarious, and boasts one of the best casts in television history. Seriously.

Oh, right. It's going up against Grey's Anatomy. Guess what? I don't care.

The whiny bitches at Seattle Grace are getting on my last nerve. Shonda Rhimes must be smoking something if she thinks I'm going to continue to put up with Derek and Meredith being apart. (Shonda, its the only reason I watch the show. And you should cater to me. Thanks.)

And, can Izzie try to be an intelligent person and just deposit the money that Creepy Denny left her? Is that asking too much? And don't get me started on George and Callie. They have less chemistry together than Burke and Christina. Oops. Did I say that out loud? Yes, I actually screamed it.

When Alex Karev is my favorite character this season, then something is wrong. What is not wrong is how good Justin Chambers looks this season.

And, I'm all for Mark being back.....but, it really doesn't make sense that he is. He's a complete loser who cheated on Addison in the TWO MONTHS they lived together after Derek moved to Seattle. Clearly, the man can't keep it in his pants. Why are we supposed to care about him? Because he's Mr. Rebecca Gayheart? No, that's not enough of a reason.

So, it looks like the funny is going to win-out over the whiny. Sacred Heart had my loyalty first. They made me laugh on a weekly basis. And, let's face it...there aren't too many good comedies on television these days. BUT, Scrubs will be following my favorite show on t.v. - The Office. It's a win-win for me.

And, it really is all about me.

Pacey, do something about this!

Joshua Jackson, I am begging you to stop Katie from marrying Tom. I mean, you know Pacey would have crashed a Joey/Dawson wedding....and that marriage would have been just as laughable.

So, the wedding date has been set for November 18th in Italy. Hmmm.....where is my invite? I'll bet it got lost in the mail....along with a check made out to me for a trillion dollars. Damn.

Maybe Katie's parents can put a stop to this. But, why haven't they already? Maybe there are Scientologists parked outside of their home. Spooky.

Strange that Nic K. has given her blessing(what? why?), but all I've heard about Katie's parents are that they don't want a Scientology wedding for their little (brainwashed) girl.

Maybe L. Ron has them trapped in a spaceship somewhere......like, John and Kelly's backyard.

Well, I have a few weeks to devise a plan to help Katie escape. Or, I could just rewatch episodes of The Office on TiVo. I do love TiVo.

Good luck, Katie.

Maddie, Maddie, Maddie

What the hell is going on?

She's not adopting a child. Then, she is. Then, 18-month-old David is being brought to the US with one of her assistants.

Now, David's father claims that he thought Maddie and Guy were only taking David away until he finishes school, and then he would return to his home of Malawi.

Hmmmm......something shady is going on here. And it sounds like the Malawi government isn't going to come out of this looking too well, either.

I'm all for Maddie doing anything other than releasing an album, and if she can help little David by giving him a better life, then more power to her.

I just have a sneaking suspicion this whole thing is going to blow up in her face.

And what about David wanting to return to Malawi once he is an adult? I don't see it happening.

Unless being one of Maddie's dancers at her Vegas shows grows old.

Because you know she is going to be doing that crap someday. See: Celine, Barry, and Cher.

Good luck, David. And watch out for Lola. She seems mean.

It is on (and UGLY)!

Heather Mills and Sir Paul McCartney are having one nasty divorce! Juicy.

Heather claims Sir Paul is a mean drunk and loves his marijuana. Sounds like he should have gone to Emerson College.

Now, believe me, if her charges of verbal and physical abuse are true, then Sir Paul needs to get help. That should never be tolerated.

But I think she is going to have an uphill battle because he is such an icon. It doesn't make it right, but look at how many people still refuse to believe OJ had it in him? People think they know someone because they are in the public eye, and there is NO WAY they could ever be mean or abusive...or a murderer.

(Unless, of course, its caught on TMZ.com. Then they'll believe it!)

Yes, I think I know the celebrities I like, too. But, I DO. So, that's the difference.

Of course, there is a child involved, so I hope this gets settled sooner than later(and peacefully). Little Beatrice doesn't deserve this kind of nastiness in her young life.

She'll be traumatized enough when she discovers mommy has a fake leg.

Lance Armstrong, please shut up.

Right now. Just shut it.

I'm sorry. I don't like Lance.

I'm happy that he beat cancer and is living a healthy life right now, but I don't need him giving interviews that make no sense. It's confusing and makes me cranky.

I realize I don't have to read those interviews, but how else would I get through a day of work?

So, he gives an interview in the latest issue of Details magazine and talks about his "best buddy" Matthew McConaughey. And I quote: "He's all tin cans and yam," says Lance of the famously crunchy Matt. "I get s**t on my Blackberry ... My cell phone. Most of it is bulls**t."

WHAT?!?!?!?

Apparently, Matt lives in a junkyard and is too lazy to eat anything other than yams.

At least that's my take.

Also, Details makes me want to gag by calling Lance "America's New Playboy." Shut up, Details.

I hope he finds the time to talk about his kids in the article. That would be nice. Maybe he forgot he has any because he's always cycling with Matt(and don't forget Jake!)or hosting the ESPYs.

I'm guessing Sheryl Crow will not be buying this issue. Unless, of course, she's using the pictures to make a voodoo doll. Be sure to send me one, Sheryl.

Don't they have bouncers at these things?

This past Friday(yes, Friday the 13th)George Clooney received the 2006 American Cinematheque Award. No, I don't care what it is, either.

All I know is that he looked great in his tux. I'd post a picture, but the only ones I could find have Julia attached to his hip. Gag. She is so annoying.

Note to Julia: If George liked you as much as you like him, he would have offered you a role in Ocean's 13. Snap!

Equally annoying is the fact that Lindsay was invited to the event. HUH? With a side of WHAT???? Life sucks.

At least(to me)she stuck out like a sore thumb when I was perusing red carpet pictures. You have Bonnie Hunt, Salma Hayek, Cindy Crawford, Julianna Margulies....and Lindsay. Yikes.

And, I know I complained earlier in the summer about Julianna(and her voice)in Snakes on a Plane, but I've secretly hoped that she and George would get married someday because they look stunning together.

And, really, that's all that matters. When will celebrities realize they need to make me happy?

At least stop inviting Lindsay to red carpet events. OH, and stop offering her movie roles and taking her picture and giving a crap when she walks down the street.

Hollywood, I'm watching you.

Being a vampire slayer is exhausting

So says Sarah Michelle Gellar while promoting her new film, The Grudge 2.

I would think that living with Freddie is even more trying, but what do I know?

She says that she doesn't think she'll ever entertain the idea of going back to a weekly series because of the long hours.

Plus, she'd be expected to be nice to people for several hours a day, so I can see how that would get to her as well.

Poor Sarah. I can see how becoming a cult legend and getting a fat paycheck every week could get tiring. And, again, with the nice. OH, she wasn't. Nevermind.

You know the person most excited to hear this news is Alyson Hannigan. She so does not want Sarah sniffing around the How I Met Your Mother set.

Oh no he didn't!

But it looks like he really did.

Isaiah Washington and Patrick Dempsey threw down on the set of Grey's Anatomy. Well, Isaiah apparently grabbed Patrick by the neck and shoved him. Not sure what Patrick did.

The fight started when Isaiah, T.R. Knight, and Patrick were waiting around on set to start shooting a scene. Isaiah asked what the hold up was all about, and Patrick said he didn't know. Isaiah then said something mean to T.R., prompting Patrick to say, "Pick on someone your own size." OOH! That's when Isaiah grabbed Patrick by the throat(kinky!)and shoved him.

First of all, the only person who should be grabbing Patrick Dempsey is ME! Take a number, Washington!

Second, I think Isaiah is just jealous of all the attention payed to Patrick. Yes, we are all sick to death of hearing the name "Dr. McDreamy," but don't take it out on Dempsey(and leave The Hair alone).

Third, why don't you go and ask Shonda and Co. for a better storyline? Try that, Hothead.

I hope Burke never gets full use of his hand back and has to settle for going into the muffin-baking business with Izzie. Bastard.

Kate Winslet is awesome

She really is.

She reminds me a lot of Susan Sarandon and Julianne Moore. They are women with enormous amounts of talent that are happy giving compelling performances...and then going home to their families.

I respect that. Especially in an age when so many women whore themselves out to the media whenever possible.

Of course, drunken/drug stories are always a hoot, but it is nice to see that not everyone in Hollywood is a lunatic actor with a desperate need to be in the press everyday(yes, Lindsay, I'm talking about you).

Kate recently starred in All the King's Men, and will next be seen in Little Children. After that, it will be The Holiday with Cameron Diaz(poor Kate!). Oh, I'm sure Cam's a great gal. Not annoying at all.

And its nice to see that the unbelievable fame Kate achieved after Titanic didn't make her fall off the deep end. I always imagined working with James Cameron could do that to a person. Not Kate, though! Hard to believe she was only 21 when she made it.

And, seriously, how great is her American Express commercial? A really nice nod to her more memorable performances.

My favorite will always be Sense and Sensibility. So good.

I am so excited!

Nicole and Paris have made up! Phew! I didn't think this day would ever come.

I am so happy right now. Totally takes away the sting of the Yankees playing like they had somewhere better to be than the playoffs. Totally!

And I don't think it's strange that they showed up at a restaurant where they knew there would be paparazzi tripping over themselves to take their picture.

I'm sure they enjoyed a nice meal of lettuce leaves, coke, and champagne. Mmm!

These vapid, drug-addicted waifs cannot be expected to do things without the world watching. What fun would that be?

They can both go to hell. And so can the Tigers.

It's been a long week

So, in no particular order:

Brad wants more kids with Angie. Fine. My heart is already broken, William, so go on and be happy with her. And please give Maddox a real haircut. I'm tired of that mohawk/mullet fiasco.

Congrats to Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard on the birth of their daughter, Ramona. I'm sure Beverly Cleary appreciates the dedication.

Jennifer Aniston may have broken up with Vince Vaughn. You don't care, do you? Me, either. They were a snoozefest.

Lost was disappointing and its ratings were down from last season's premiere.

The Office is trying to kill me with angst. Stop it, please. Greg Daniels, you don't want me to start bad-mouthing you.

Victoria Beckham and Katie Holmes are hanging out together in Paris. Both look completely beat and I'm sure their conversations are mind-numbing. Run, Katie, run! L. Ron has Suri now. There is nothing you can do.

I still haven't watched Saturday Night Live from last week. I heard it was terrible. However, years and years ago I paid to see the movie Oscar with Sylvester Stallone. So what am I so afraid of?

J.J. Abrams is a four-eyed devil

And I want to rip his face off.

Harsh? Maybe. But I'm currently on my third J.J. show. And I think I have the right to feel rage.

I watched the season premiere of Lost and have to say I was underwhelmed. I think it's going to be a very long season.

J.J. finally escaped the clutches of Tom Cruise long enough to co-write the premiere with Damon Lindelof(congrats on your new baby, Damon). It had a great opening sequence, and then the rest of the episode was kind of meh. It was like watching an episode of Alias from Season 3 on. But, instead of Michael Vartan, we had Matthew Fox.

Foxy was great in tonight's episode. He cries very well, and I have always appreciated actors that can cry well on camera(Katherine Heigl should take note, because I'm still traumatized from her crying fits in the final two episodes of Grey's Anatomy last season). Brutal.

I really don't want Sawyer and Kate to get together, but I think that is where they are headed. Ew. Kate, the last person Sawyer had sex with was Ana Lucia. Just keep that in mind.

If I continue to be frustrated with the show this season, I may have to drop it. I'll come back for the finale(like I did for Alias)and I'm sure it will be phenomenal. Or suck completely. It's hard to tell with J.J. Felicity = great finale. Alias = the worst ending ever. Seriously, it was harsh. (But funny! Don't forget unintentionally funny!)

Hey, I know. Maybe Scott Speedman can make a guest appearance this season. Or, Ms. Felicity Porter herself.

Now that would be worth watching.

I smell November sweeps!

Jude Law is a wanker

He's bitching and moaning about the paparazzi and how they follow him everywhere.

Jude, honey, you're lucky ANYBODY gives a crap about you anymore.

I used to be a huge Jude fan. Loved him. Thought he was so funny and charming and could actually act.

Truth be told, after The Talented Mr. Ripley, all of his movies have sucked. Hard.

He started dating Sienna Miller after his marriage to Sadie Frost fell apart. Fine. Well, not really, but what was I going to do? Hate him? Sure. Just a little.

Then he goes and cheats on Sienna with his nanny.

Oh, Jude. I was done with you at that point.

Sure, I bet Sienna is really annoying and vapid, but no one deserves to be cheated on. Even if she can't dress for crap.

Good Lord, that woman needs a stylist.

So, Jude, stop your whining and just be thankful you are still given movie roles and enough money to support all of your kids.

Because, at this point, they are your only fans.

I want to smack George Michael

Hire a driver, George! Or learn to smoke pot in your damn house.

George was arrested YET AGAIN early Sunday morning when he was found sleeping in his car and in possession of pot.

It's the third arrest in the past eight months.

Is he doing this for attention? Maybe he's narcoleptic. Or maybe he's just an idiot.

George, I'm tired of these arrests. Basically, they are boring and smell of laziness.

At least have some crack on hand. Or be found wandering the streets screaming for Andrew Ridgeley to agree to a Wham! reunion tour.

Give me something more exciting, George.

Just promise not to give me another album.