Jennifer Lopez is maybe so pregnant

How maybe so pregnant is she?

Remember Match Game? I used to love that show. I don't really know why, since it was really lame, but I think I liked the banter of the celebrities. Charles Nelson Reilly and Brett Somers were very funny together. They were the 70s version of Will and Grace.

Back to J.Lo. She looks like she is packing on the pounds. And I don't mean like me when Edy's ice cream is on sale at Stop-n-Shop. I mean like "I am growing a human inside of my body and I am really craving the left side of the menu of any restaurant."

Yesterday, she and her corpse-like husband visited P.S. 36 Unionport, which just so happens to be across the street from her childhood home(when she was Jenny from the Block, bitches). The school choir sang for them and probably whispered amongst themselves why someone that looks like Jenny would marry someone that looks like The Crypt Keeper. I DON'T KNOW EITHER! Oh, wait. It's true love. Gag.

J was sporting a flowy grey top that easily could have hidden a baby bump....or the twins that some speculate she is carrying. Whatever she ends up popping out, I assume "Ben" and "Diddy" will not be names up for grabs.

Let's hope the possible fetus-carrying can bring J back together with G...as in Guadalupe Lopez, who recently revealed that Jenny rarely calls her and doesn't ask for her advice on things. O-U-C-H! You know Lupe sits in her home and waxes poetic on the days when J was still with Ben, and he would take her gambling with him.

Oh, Lupe, you little enabler!

Jack Bauer loves the sauce

Kiefer Sutherland was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence Tuesday morning in Hollywood. He got hammered at the FOX Fall Casino party and then drove home drunk. Were Jim and Pam there recreating Casino Night? I wish. I love them.

Wait. So, Kiefer was released on $25,000 bail and has to appear in court in October. Will that interfere with filming? Look, judge, 24 needs to come back strong after a shitty season. Don't mess with Jack and the ticking clock! Since the show doesn't come back until January, it better damn well right itself and get back on track.

Kiefer, stop drinking until you are stone cold drunk. Sip your jack and coke and stop talking about how much of a bitch Julia Roberts is. We all know it. She's so annoying, BUT you were the one that wanted to get married. You saw past the mane of hair and horse jaw. I'm sorry that she cast her spell on you, but GET OVER IT. She's married to some loser and keeps popping out kids.

You got the better end of that deal. Don't blow it.

Back to School, y'all!

No, Brit isn't filming a remake of the Rodney Dangerfield movie. Like anyone would believe she could get into college. Besides, Crossroads still leaves a bad taste in the mouths of collective Hollywood. If only Jessica Simpson would stop getting roles! At least Mandy Moore can act. Thank goodness for you, Mandy! You give teenage pop stars hope.

Anway, a judge ruled that Brit and Kevin can maintain their 50/50 custody of their two poor sons, but that Brit has to get drug-tested twice a week and they both must attend co-parenting counselling sessions. Oh, boy. That will help, I'm sure. Kevin can learn that children aren't trophies, and Brit can learn that having your children fetch you your coke is considered poor parenting. It is? "But when I'm hungover, I can't get off the couch. Mama needs her white powder! Where's my weave?"

Well, to show how upset Brit was by this ruling, she hit Winston's and Hyde last night. Screw responsibility! I need to dance and pound red bull and coke. Yum.

The best thing anyone can do for those kids is leave the front door open and hope they find someone in the neighborhood that can take care of them. Good luck, boys!

Emmy recap

I'll just start by saying I was not bitter AT ALL that this year's bleacher seats were covered. What a great idea! It's not like they make you wait in the sun for 4 hours until the celebrities begin to show. HATE!

I would also like to say that everyone in the bleacher seats looked like nice, intelligent people who completely deserved to be there. Congrats to you all! (No, my brother didn't say anything about wishing the roof would collapse on all of you. Stop trying to start rumors!)

Let's begin with the pre-show. Oy.

Seacrest was a dick, as always. I loved how he ogled all of the women he interviewed in an attempt to keep that closet door tightly shut. What a loser. His strange obsession with Eva Longoria is creepy. I think he's in love with Tony Parker and figures if he butters Eva up, she won't suspect the knife he one day puts in her heart so Tony can be his! Or, he's looking to make an "Eva suit of skin" that he can wear like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs. Fun!

The Best Dressed of the night were Julia Louis-Dreyfus in deep purple, Kristen Bell in cornflower blue, Glenn Close in navy, Tina Fey and Mariska Hargitay in black, Kate Walsh in red, and America Ferrara in bright blue. Kudos, ladies! My gosh, Mariska's husband is good-looking! Deep breaths....deep breaths. Okay.

Worst Dressed was Vanessa Williams. Good grief. Feathers are never a good idea on a dress. Just, no. The color was wonderful (mint green), but the feathers were hideous. Shame on you, Kevan Hall.

I was also disappointed in Jenna Fischer's dress. The big bow underneath her breasts was ridiculous, and I didn't quite get the print. In a solid color, it would have looked amazing. Her hair and makeup were flawless, and I really wanted her to "wow" the red carpet after hurting her back in May and recently announcing her split with her husband. Oh, Jenna! I still love you and your frizzy hair and cardigans. Oh, wait. That's Pam. Well, love them both.

For the men, bow ties were a big trend. WHY???? I hate bow ties. But, John Krasinski and Patrick Dempsey wore them and looked hot, so I will begrudgingly accept it. I think Sally Field was having a hot flash when presenting with Patrick. I would have as well, Sally. I wasn't thrilled with the shorter hair on Patrick, but he looked great last night.

Did I mention I don't like Seacrest? Stick to hosting that singing competition show. Just awful. His attempts at humor were like an open-mic night. NIGHTMARE. Please let someone with a comedy gene host next year. He wasted no time going over to Eva and asking to see the bottom of her shoe. Huh? Oh, man. Foot fetish? You know he's dying to wear those heels.

The Theater in the Round was making me dizzy. Bad idea. And I don't understand the seating. The Office won the Best Comedy Emmy last year. Why weren't they in front? And why wasn't I given a clear indication as to whether or not Krasinski and Rashida Jones are still dating? That should have been your top priority FOX! Don't make me speculate as to why they weren't sitting next to each other. Trouble in paradise?

I really wanted Jenna to win Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy, but I can live with Jaime Pressly winning. Joy is a great character and she plays her with a lot of sass. Great acceptance speech, too.

I'm so bummed Ricky Gervais wasn't there to pick up his Best Actor in a Comedy award. I love Extras and am glad he was recognized. I LOVED that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert had Steve Carell come up on stage instead. HA! Great moment of them jumping around together. I would have been happy with Steve, Alec Baldwin, or Ricky winning. Just no Shaloub. Enough with Monk. Really.

If one show was going to beat The Office and not make me throw my t.v., it was 30 Rock. Such a great show. I hope this brings more recognition (and viewers). As it is now the permanent lead-in to The Office, I want big things for it this season. Tina's speech was hilarious. I am one of the "dozens and dozens of people that watch our show." HA! And proud of it. Oh, and I loved how Tracy Morgan was up on stage just chewing his gum. Was he still wearing his alcohol monitoring anklet? Such a great accessory.

Greg Daniels won for Comedy Writing for The Office. He and Conan used to be roommates. He kept Jim and Pam apart all season and introduced me to Karen Fillipelli. Congrats, Greg! *Smack*

Sally Field was censored for saying that if mothers ruled the world, there would be no war. I love Sally Field.

All-in-all, an okay show. Oh, and XTina performed with Tony Bennett. Fake bake and bleached hair have never looked classier. No, really.

Lock him up and throw away the key!

My favorite ex-football-player-that-got-away-with-murder, OJ Simpson, was questioned by Las Vegas police last night about a robbery that took place at the Palace Station Casino. The what? Never heard of it. Is he not allowed in The Bellagio? I'd buy that.

Alfred Beardsley, a memorabilia dealer, claims that OJ and his entourage robbed him and his associates of sports/OJ trial memorabilia at gunpoint. Oh, boy. Did OJ want the bloody glove back? What an idiot. Was Emmitt Smith's Dancing with the Stars trophy part of this collection? I bet OJ wants it, seeing as he will never be asked on the show. He has bad knees, you know...but still managed to run like the wind after murdering Ron and Nicole.

But I digress.

Should I be surprised OJ has an entourage? No. Far lesser douches than The Juice have people that want to leech off of them. You have to be a pretty desperate/mentally ill person to want to hang out with this guy, but maybe they just really like to golf. Or rob people of a Tom Brady signed football. How's Giselle, Tom? He's another idiot.

Keep your fingers crossed that OJ ends up behind bars. Please, God. Since I'm not going to the Emmys, can I please have this? PLEASE? I'm desperate.

Good luck, Jenna Fischer.

Jon Stewart to host Academy Awards

Love Jon Stewart. So funny. So cute.

Oscar telecast producer, Gil Cates, really likes Jon and wanted him back for next year's ceremony. Who hosted this year? Oh, Ellen. Right. She was fine. I think. I don't really remember. I like her talk show, though.

I really miss Billy Crystal hosting the Oscars. I can't help it. I loved those opening montages of him in hit movies. Sue me! They were funny. I think he was in bed with George Clooney once. Is that funny? Maybe.

I wonder if Bruce Villanch still writes jokes for the opening monologue. I saw him in CA at a restaurant once. I had a really great salad there. Oh, and my brother and I thought we saw Scott Foley at this same restaurant another time. Are you riveted?

I think Jon will do a good job. He was fine two years ago. Anyone is better than Ryan Seacrest, who I'm sure will make me choke on my own bile while he hosts the Emmys this Sunday. Who did he have to sleep with to get that gig? What a tool.

No, I'm not bitter about being locked out of red carpet bleacher seats this year. Do I sound like I am?

Congrats, Jon!

Suck on that, Ty Pennington!

Last year, Kathy Griffin's reality show, My Life on the D-List, lost the emmy for Best Reality Series to Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Ms. Kathy was not having it. She called BS during the Creative Arts Emmy's and made a scene. How I wish I was there to witness it.

Well, a year later, and the Emmy voters got it right. Kathy won Saturday night and gave what everyone is calling a "memorable speech."(By "everyone" I mean the two media outlets that discussed it within my earshot over the radio). During the speech, she discussed how celebrities often thank God when receiving their awards and how the emmy was "her god now" and that "Jesus can suck it." Oh, Kathy.

It is annoying when celebrities thank God for their wins. It's like when baseball players look up to heaven and blow a kiss after getting a base hit that scores the go-ahead run, or strike out a batter with the bases loaded. Ugh. God doesn't care about your baseball skills! Big Papi, you are the size of a house. You should be hitting homeruns and hitting the ball out of the infield! Pedro Martinez, God doesn't care that you can still strike people out. He is more concerned with your bad attitude and your association with that little person that acted as your Mini Me last season.

Okay, fine. Bobby Abreu does it and I'm not proud. BUT, God really likes him so it's okay. HA!

Anyway, after a year in which she divorced and lost her father, I'm really happy for Kathy and hope that Bravo renews her series for another season. I mean, she's the Red-Headed Oprah for goodness sakes!

Bad weaves and lip syncs and paranoia, oh my!

Poor Britney.

The opening shot, of the back of her horrible weave, was the best part of her performance. It was the only time she wasn't lip syncing! And the girl doesn't even know the words to her own song! What the hell? Too much coke? Too much partying with Puffy and Pharrell? Where was Criss Angel? Did he put a spell on her?

Her sparkly bra and underwear did no favors for her body. Granted, she has a flatter stomach than I do, but at least I know when to cover up my stomach and ass from the first ten rows(and millions of people watching on television). Oh, she's over. OVER. So over.

She looked completely out of it. Completely. She was scared and hesitant. She did not dance. She shimmied a few times and tried to keep from falling off stage. Of course, she never got close to the edge, but maybe she was distracted from all the spiders she must have been hallucinating were crawling on her skin. Is it spiders? Maybe ants? Are bugs ever associated with drug hallucinations? Am I on drugs?

Oh, and it's time to call in Tyra Banks so she can loan out some decent weaves. Brit needs a handler in the worst way.

Not good, y'all! Not good.

I want to smack Peter Doherty...but he probably wouldn't feel it

Pete Doherty, the former, maybe-now, maybe-still-former boyfriend of Ms. Kate Moss is a major crackhead. Old news. He's been arrested multiple times for possession and insane behavior and always released on bail. Huh. So, the English legal system is just as stank as the American one? Interesting.

Well, now it seems that ole' Cracky is making his cats smoke crack with him. Yeah, you read that right. He even made a mini crack pipe for one of the kittens his older cat gave birth to in April. Where is PETA and when are they going to storm his crack den? OH MY GOSH, I'm so pissed.

Now, I know when "a friend" spills all to The Sun, it's best to take everything with a grain of salt, but I saw a picture of this mess with the cat and the crack pipe. Actually, it looked to me like a bottle of booze you would get on a plane, but it could be a crack pipe, as I'm not really up on that sort of thing. I mean, I saw the movie Rush when I was in college, but Jason Patric's facial hair is really what scared me most. An hour in I was like, "Maybe I should do some heroin so I'll forget how creepy he looks and travel back to a more simple time....like when he was in The Lost Boys and before the Corey's became white hot messes."

I so want those cats to turn on him it's not even funny.

Trainwreck in Vegas

Oh, MTV. I once loathed my parents for being the only people in the neighborhood(at the time I thought ENTIRE WORLD)that didn't have cable and were, therefore, depriving me of seeing Duran Duran videos. Oh, the humanity.

Well, years and years and YEARS later(yes, I'm old), MTV proves that it sucks ass and can't pass up a white hot mess when it sees one. The "music channel" officially announced today that Brit will be opening the Music Awards this coming Sunday. If I were in the first several rows, I would wear ponchos like I was expecting Gallagher to come on stage and smash some watermelons. You don't know when a weave, red bull, puke, or coke sweat will hit you in the face! Take cover!

Sure, I'll watch. I love a good lip sync!

MTV, however, scolds me right to my face by announcing she will sing the song live. Who wrote that press release and how hard were they laughing? No harder then me when I read she spent an hour at a tanning salon yesterday. An hour? Good gracious. Just pull an Amanda Bynes and become addicted to self-tanner. Have you seen that girl lately? She's not the Amanda that I used to watch while babysitting on Saturday nights in Wilton, CT(don't judge! I needed the money!).

Anyway, watch out Vegas. This will be worse than any Carrot Top show. Hmmm....could be a love match in the making.

Just plain rude

Brad decided to take Maddox to the Yankee game last night. Uh....my phone was on, Brad. Why didn't I get an invite?

Of course he sat in the seats right next to the Yankee dugout. Spike Lee was there with his son. That I could have done without. I'm sure his son is perfectly nice, but Spike bugs the crap out of me. Why so angry, Spike? You've got millions. Your movies are so-so. A friend of mine once saw Spike in a subway station while they were both on their way to a Knicks game. My friend said, "Hey, Spike" and Spike responded, "I'm not going to sign anything." OH MY GOSH, SHUT UP! He didn't want your autograph, you ass. Calm down and go watch your stank basketball team lose.

So annoying.

Anyway, Brad was dressed in white. Uh oh. It's after Labor Day, William. Put the head-to-toe white away. Tim Gunn would not be impressed.

I guess when Brad and I get married, he'll be the one in white. No, scratch that. White tuxedos are nasty. Washed out much? Not a good look.

We'll both just wear black.

Kate Walsh gets married in an ugly wedding dress

She has all that money, and she picks a fugly dress? Kate, really! No excuse for that.

And did I mention her husband isn't that cute? Because he isn't. He's a production executive at Fox, so hopefully he won't be stealing money from her while she sleeps. But still. There is something off about him....oh, and the fact that he popped the question after they dated for only 2 months makes me suspicious.

Yes, I know I'm cynical(and, yes, I assumed she was pregnant), but what is the rush? What if he kills people in his spare time, Kate? That could have taken 6 months of dating to figure out!

Well, anyway, it's a done deal and I do wish her the best. I don't like Addison, and I certainly won't be watching her spinoff, Private Practice, but I do like Kate. Very funny and doesn't take herself too seriously.

That special two-hour Grey's episode that served as a springboard for the spinoff? NIGHTMARE! It was so bad. Worse then General Hospital: Night Shift. Oh my gosh, that show is so bad, it's good!!! Like, Billy Dee Williams is obviously low on his Empire Strikes Back money if he's playing a janitor on Night Shift.

Wait. Where was I? Oh, right. Private Practice is going to be cancelled and Addie will be back at Seattle Grace before long.

Speaking of Seattle Grace, how should I read into the fact that Ellen Pompeo and Patrick Dempsey didn't attend Kate's wedding? How about THEY HATE HER AND WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT DEAD AT HER LAME CEREMONY IN OJAI, CA?

I kid! I bet Pat was in some NASCAR race and Ellen was stealing things with her fiance.

Congrats, Kate!

Jessica, he's all yours!

Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams are ending their three-year relationship. I blame it on the pixie-cut she got several months ago. It made her look like Mia Farrow circa Rosemary's Baby, and that is just plain scary! Give birth to a devil baby lately? YIKES!

There are conflicting reports as to whether or not the two married earlier this year, but does it really matter? No. Or yes. I don't know. Will they fight over Matilda? Will Matilda legally change her name to "Joey Potter" someday? Take that, Mom! I rarely watched Dawson's Creek, but even I know how annoying Jen was. Oh, Michelle.

"Sources" claim the two split up a few weeks ago and that it is completely amicable. BORING! I hate amicable splits. I want name-calling and defamation of character! I want Joshua Jackson and The Beek hauled into court as character witnesses. Maybe the woman that played Jen's grandmother. Definitely Joey's bitchy sister. I bet she hated Michelle.

I'd demand Katie, as well, but she's still trying to come up with an escape from Tom. She's got enough on her plate.