Frisco Jones and Richie's ex

Oh my gravy!

Yes, that is the dumbest thing I've ever said and I blame Rachael Ray because she says it all the time. And it's just so annoying that I had to share. I really can't stand her.

Anyway, this is big news. Jack Wagner and Heather Locklear went to the Dreamworks Night Before party on Saturday. Together. The former Melrose Place co-stars showed up holding hands. In public.

Now, I used to have a huge crush on Jack Wagner when he was Frisco Jones on General Hospital. In retrospect, it isn't one of my better crushes. He sported some seriously weird hair and his clothes were always way too bright, but he sang cheesy love songs and fell in love with Felicia, and since Luke and Laura were off the show I was desperate for a new "It" couple. Don't judge me!

Since leaving GH, he's hopped on to another soap....I want to say a CBS soap. Yeah, that sounds right. Not sure if he's still on, because I don't watch CBS soaps. They always seemed so low-budget to me. And this is coming from someone who watched Marlena become possessed by the devil on Days of Our Lives. Who am I to judge? Well, ME. That's who!

Jack and his GH co-star, Kristina Wagner, ended up getting married. Then she had a nervous breakdown and had to leave the show. Or she left the show before they got married. I'm fuzzy on the details, but I think he cheated on her and she left to freak out for a while. Wagner had some kind of power back then. I probably would have freaked out too. He sang "All I Need" for goodness sakes! And I believe I owned the 45 of that song because I was just that lame.

So, here he is canoodling with Heather at this big party and I come to find out he and Kristina filed for divorce in 2005. Well, in my mind, Frisco and Felicia are still together and he's still a detective(or maybe a police officer)and she's still annoying and talks in a weird little girl/druggie voice. It's the only way I can go on!

I wonder what David Spade thinks about this exciting turn of events.

But it felt more like 4 years

Wow. The Oscar's were longgggggggg. Too long. Please cut out those horrible awards that no one cares about.

I know that's a terrible thing to say but I can't help it! I know the sound people and costume people work just as hard(probably more so, let's be honest)as the actors, but can't those awards be given out the night before? I know. I'm selfish. I want the show over in 2 hours like the SAGs.

*My gosh, 24 was boring tonight*

Anywho, I am so thrilled that Alan Arkin won for Little Miss Sunshine. Well-deserved, Arkin! I know everyone thought Eddie Murphy was going to win(including Eddie), but I'm sure he'll get another chance with Daddy Daycare 2. Can't wait!

Congrats to Helen, Jennifer, and Forest. I am still charmed by Forest weeks after his hosting duty on SNL. Who knew he could sing? I didn't. Seems like a genuine person that enjoys what he does. I'm neither of those things, so it's impressive to see someone who is.

Congrats to little Marty Scorcese. Good for you, Marty! Those eyebrows are really thick, aren't they? Hilarious. Did you see Mark Wahlberg(who looked GREAT)whistling like a fiend when Marty went on stage? So classy.

You know who else looked great? George Clooney. I'm not a huge fan of the slick hair, but he seriously just gets better-looking with age.

Hands down, the Best Dressed Woman of the night was Reese Witherspoon. She looked fierce. Like, "kiss my ass and have fun with your skank, Ryan" fierce. The dress worked. The hair worked. It all worked. I've never felt that I've had one of those moments, so I don't know what that feels like. I remember liking my Garanimals back in the day, and since all you had to do was match the animal tags, it was pretty fool-proof. Maybe that was my fashion moment and I didn't even realize it! Crap.

Ellen did a fine job. I mean, the opening documentary of a good number of nominees wasn't as exciting as a Billy Crystal opening number, but whatevs. Ellen said it was a dream come true for her, and she should be proud. Nothing edgy and there was no picking on anyone(damn), but she made people laugh.

Speaking of making people laugh, Gwyneth Paltrow should get her own sitcom. Once again she proved what a bitch she is and it always makes me howl. I don't have to do any work, Paltrow. Your bitch face does it all for me. Thanks!

Worst Dressed of the night? Oy. Well, I didn't like the following: Anne Hathaway, J.Lo, Penelope Cruz, Nicole Kidman, Gweneth, and Kelly Preston. Meryl didn't look great, either, but I love her and am always willing to give her a pass. SUE ME.

Oh, and no Rachel McAdams with Ryan Gosling. He apparently told People Magazine that she was working, but I like to believe they split up. At least that's what I'll tell anyone who asks. And I really don't know who would, so, YOU'VE heard it here first.

I feel so independent!

Loved the Independent Spirit Awards this year.

Love her or hate her, Sarah Silverman hosted for the 2nd straight year and I thought she did a great job. She's a raunchy, pasty little girl.

Congrats to Ryan Gosling for winning Best Actor. He knows he isn't going to win tomorrow night at the Oscar's, even joking that he has a lot of money riding on Forrest Whitaker. Don't we all, Gosling. Don't we all. Oh, and Rachel McAdams was not there with him. Hmmm.....do I smell a break up? We'll see if they walk the red carpet together tomorrow evening.

A big congrats, as well, to Alan Arkin, screenwriter Michael Arndt and husband and wife team Johnathan Dayton and Valerie Faris for winning Best Supporting Actor, Best First Screenplay, and Best Director for Little Miss Sunshine. The film also took home the Best Picture award. Suck on that!

Kudos to Minnie Driver for singing one of the parody songs for one of the best picture nominees. Those are always fun, and I wish they would do the same at the Oscar's. That show needs a good parody after the opening monologue. Maybe it would help me to not fall asleep waiting for the good awards to be announced.

Oh, and this year's "How the f*** was that person invited to the ceremony but I wasn't" award goes to Taylor Dayne. She was popular 20 years ago! They may as well have invited Stacey Q to sing one of the parodies.

Snorting coke, SNL-style

Brit is still in rehab, so I'm moving on to a blind item about an SNL star that likes to snort coke at the after parties.

Hmmm.........

Well, I refuse to believe it's Amy Poehler. She's thin, but she's too cool for coke. And too naturally funny. I mean, I don't know her personally, but I like to think she is as funny in real life as she is on the show. I read a print interview with her and she was hilarious. That counts! And she's married to Gob Bluth. I mean, that proves it! Proves what, you ask? I have no idea.

Little Amy story: when my sister and I were on our way to see Ms. Keri Russell in the off-Broadway play Fat Pig, I thought I saw Amy on a street corner talking on her cell. So I turn to my sister and say, "That's Amy Poehler!" My sister was like, "Um, we're doing 70+ in this cab, how could you tell?" Well, I know. It was her. Maybe.

Daryl Hammond? Nah.

Keenan? No way. Doesn't coke make you really thin?

I don't think it's Maya. Granted, she did have a nasty case of bed bug infestation in her new apartment last year. That would send me to drugs. And booze. And I think I would cry for hours on end. I once thought I had bed bugs in my apartment. I was consumed with cleaning and almost bought a new mattress. Instead, I just hired an exterminator. Cheaper!

Maybe it's Andy Samberg. He did come up with "Laser Cats" and "Lazy Sunday."

Tune in to see her leg fly off!

Heather Mills is one of 11 celebrities on the new season of Dancing with the Stars. But she's the only one with a fake leg. Special!

The soon-to-be ex of Sir Paul will strut her stuff on the 3rd season, which premieres on Monday, March 19th. Mark those calendars and swing those prosthetics!

Along with Heather, you'll see Billy Ray Cyrus, Ian Ziering, Laila Ali, Vincent Pastore, Apollo Ohno, Paulina Porizkova, Clyde Drexler, Joey Fatone, 2004 Miss USA, Shandi Finnessey, and Leeza Gibbons. Beyond D-List all the way!

Other then the possibility of Heather's leg flying off and hitting Samantha Harris in the head(please let this happen!!!!), the other big story will be whether or not two-time winner Cheryl Burke will be able to take Steve Sanders from the halls of Beverly Hills High and make him a dancer. She has her work cut out for her.

I mean, he's no David Silver.

Carol Channing in rehab

Or Ms. Spears. But that Dollar Store wig she threw on her big bald head the other day reminded me of Carol. Sorry Carol.

Apparently, Brit's dad convinced her to check into Promises. Uh-oh. That place looks like a resort to me. Granted, I don't vacation much, but Malibu is quite lovely and I'm sure the inside is much more swank then the Comfort Inn in PA or the Marriott Hotel in Stamford, CT. Just a hunch.

I do wish Brit the best because she has two children to care for and a comeback album to record. She's got a full plate, and she shouldn't be wasting time puking in limos and shaving off her extensions. Isn't that what she did? I didn't think her real hair was that long.

And that I think about the length of Britney's hair proves that this has been a horrible February sweeps! You hear me, Greg Daniels?!?!

Acute case of the crazies

Oh, Brit.

The little cheese doodle done shaved her head.

Justin, it's time to take your dick out of the box and help your ex. She's two Red Bulls away from throwing herself off the nearest ledge, y'all.

Even though one of my brothers thinks she's just getting ready for her role in the next Aliens sequel, I think it's time that someone steps in and takes her kids away from her. Scare the girl straight and help her pick out a nice wig. Enough is enough.

Remember the good ole' days when it seemed the worst decision she made was opening NYLA? That seems so long ago.

Felicity's child will not be a bastard

And that's because Ms. Keri Russell got married yesterday.

Kind of gross to do it on Valentine's Day, but whatevs. I love Keri and I love Felicity and anyone who said the show sucked or that she looked ridiculous with short hair or believed those asinine stories about the ratings dropping because she cut her hair can SUCK IT.

So, yeah, Keri will give birth this summer and I'm sure the child will be stunning. I hope it's a girl so she can have her mother's glorious locks. I imagine if she has a boy his hair will be like James Tupper's(the incredibly good-looking guy that left his wife for Anne Heche). So, bottom line is that Keri Russell's child will be gorgeous.

Now, if she had a child with Scott Speedman, it would be the MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY IN THE WORLD. EVER. Yes, even more beautiful then Shiloh.

And all this talk of beautiful people and their beautiful babies is depressing me. Time to read about Jon Bon Jovi hating on Denise Richards. Because, really, can you blame him?

Grammy wrap-up

I hate Mondays.

Now, on to the Grammy's!

So, I missed The Police opening the show. I thought they would save them for later. I was wrong. Heard their version of "Roxanne" on the way home tonight. It sounded good, but Sting obviously can't hit the high notes anymore. I blame Trudy.

The Dixie Chicks won all 5 awards they were nominated for, and it was quite clear they were surprised the most by their Best Country Album win. You know Natalie Maines was one sip of beer away from screaming "Suck on that, Country Music Association! And I still hate you, Prez!" Congrats, Chicks. And Natalie, I'm loving the new hair color.

Justin Timberlake did this really annoying thing with a hand-held video camera during one of his performances. Look, I don't like when Bono gets up in the camera during a concert, so I'm certainly not going to put up with Justin doing it. And how interesting that Ms. Scarlett Johansson was in the audience last night. When I think music awards, I don't think ScarJo. Still denying that she's seen Justin's penis. She has.

Mary J. Blige brought down the house and picked up a few trophies as well. Congrats, Mary. And she was definitely one of the best dressed of the night.

Carrie Underwood also looked very good. She was pretending she was hosting the Oscar's and changed her outfit a few different times. I really liked her version of "Desperado." And congrats for winning Best New Artist.

You know who didn't look good? John Mayer. I know this is a sign of age, but it bugs the crap out of me when guys wear suits with sneakers. Just stop. You look like a douche. Even Duckie wore buckle shoes to the prom in Pretty in Pink. Get it together, Mayer. And cut your hair.

Best Dressed Male is going to Ludacris. Loved those sunglasses! I also liked what Seal wore, but then I saw his shoes. He admitted that Heidi did not help him dress(because she was in Germany), and it showed. She, and Tim Gunn, would not have let him walk out of the house with them on. Nice leather jacket, though.

And I would just like to thank Shakira for having the nerve to wear her hair all frizzy and natural. I'm with you, Shakira! Sadly, though, I don't have a good singing voice or any skill that keeps people from looking at me and just thinking that I'm too lazy to put some product in my hair. I can't help it! Gel makes me break out. So there!

RIP, Anna

This story is too much for even my cynical nature.

I just hope her little girl is well taken care of....and not by creepy Howard K.

Jessica doesn't mind Lindsay's leftovers

Not men. Movie roles.

Jessica Biel has landed La Lohan's one-time role in A Woman of No Importance. Good for you, Mary Camden!

See, Linds, this is what happens when you drink too much and snort one too many white lines. You see the inside of a "rehab center," while Derek Jeter's ex gets some bank and a movie role.

Jessica is coming off of a short-lived tryst with one Mr. Justin Timberlake, so I'm sure she's anxious to throw herself into work instead of calling Stephen Collins and asking him to pray that Justin's penis breaks off. Can I get an "Amen" Rev. Camden?

Meanwhile, Lindsay continues to party and look beat. Great job, Wonderland!

Lighting up with Keanu

You know that's what Jennifer Aniston did when she invited Keanu Reeves to her place. Then she proceeded to bitch and moan about Brangelina, scarf a bag of Lay's Sour Cream and Onion, and prank call Gwyneth. Poor Keanu never stood a chance.

Look, I'm all for celebrity hookups. Joining two names together wastes roughly 5 seconds of my work day, and it beats making copies. Kennifer, perhaps? Or maybe Raniston? Eh. Not that great.

Jen, honey, what the hell? I could see if this was back during the Speed days. Keanu was all kinds of buff and looked like he bathed on a regular basis. He reinvented a basic white tee as far as I'm concerned.

But, let's face facts: he looks gross now and his movie career is as bad as yours. Brad will not be envious of this. Unless, of course, he is a huge Bill and Ted fan, which I can totally see. But at the most, all he would want is an autographed dvd and a lesson in playing air guitar.

Oh, I'm bored with this already.

She hates everything he says, he does

Yes, I've had Ms. Carey's song, "Heartbreaker," in my head all day after hearing it on the radio last night. Stop haunting me, Mariah!

So, she's on the cover of Playboy. She doesn't go nude, but all you have to do is google photos of her at any benefit or award show and you pretty much see everything anyway. Girl hates to wear clothes that fit or cover up her fake breasts and her bajingo! Trashy.

In an interview, Mimi talks about how she thinks Eminem is obsessed with her and she can't understand why. And, no, she did not sleep with him. What? Why are you still talking about Eminem? He isn't talking about you. Next she'll be saying that Derek Jeter sends her a dozen red roses every other day and two dozen on weekends and holidays. And, if I were to find out he still harbored feelings for her, I would denounce baseball and throw myself off the bleachers at Yankee Stadium. Is that over-reacting?

Oh, and Mimi, they are called pants. Wear them sometime. And I don't mean those nasty jeans that barely cover your cooch and look painted on. Hmph!

Carry on! Away from Parsons.

Tim Gunn is stepping down as the chair of the department of fashion design at Parsons, and going to work at Liz Claiborne as a "creative dean" for the company. Congrats to you, Tim!

Thankfully, this will allow him to continue as fashion mentor on Bravo's Project Runway. That show would be nothing without Tim. Sure, you've got Michael Kors and Nina Garcia smacking down the hopes and dreams of the freaky designers, but Tim is the glue that holds their fragile minds and egos together. I mean, when Tim tells you to "make it work," you best do it. He knows fashion, okay?

And the adorable relationship between Tim and Heidi Klum needs to be immortalized on camera for years to come. Or at least until Tim pulls Heidi aside, hands her some birth control pills, and tells her to keep her knees together. I mean, she's pregnant at least once a year! Take a breather, Klum.