The Hills are alive

Sadly.

Another week of scripted drama. The Diva breaks it down for us with sass:

It's still raining here in Baltimore (AKA Hills recap central) and now I'm hearing thunder. Hopefully my cable lasts through tonight's entire episode.

Lauren is rocking the plaid twice in the first few minutes. Is this a throwback to Ben on the old Celebrity Skewer favorite, Felicity?

Spencer is joking about being Heidi's stalker. But we all know he is too familiar with that alley outside Bolthouse and it isn't a joke at all.

I can appreciate anyone who chooses laying on the beach over surfing. Who needs physical activity when you can be lazy?

How does Brody have time to swing a girlfriend in between all of his Bromancing?

Ridiculously skinny chicks love pickles. I learned this undeniable truth in college. (Ew, pickles. I hate them. But I'm also not ridiculously skinny.)

Does someone named Sleazy T really want to be this involved in Audrina and Justin Bobby's relationship?

It's crazy how daft people make easy jobs seem so difficult. Stephanie you have to check in pieces of clothing, not perform brain surgery.

We apparently only get one minute of Lo tonight, which just isn't enough.

By the time next week's episode rolls around, I will officially be a fulltime Hills recapper since my real job will be no more. Too bad recapping doesn't come with a salary, huh?

Ed. Note: if someone wants to be a full-time recapper, they better cease with mentioning Lauren and Ben from Felicitiy in the same sentence. In some countries, that is punishable by death.