Not the city, the whore.
One of my heels caught in the rug at work today. Where is my close up with a camera?
Paris Hilton is terrorizing Prague with her boyfriend, Good Charlotte lead singer Benji Madden. Let's hope she isn't singing along at their concerts. Invest in ear plugs, people of Prague! Anyway, P took a tumble when she and Benji(good dog!) left an Italian restaurant yesterday. And there are pictures to prove it!
Poor Paris scraped her chin on the ground and refused to let the paparazzi snap a picture of that. No money shots for you, bitches! Benji looked angry(foaming at the mouth, perhaps?) and tried to blame the paps, but it was only Paris to blame for her mis-step. Those stick legs can only stay upright for so long *insert crass joke here*. And she was wearing sneakers, so she can't blame it on her usual hooker footwear. (Sorry, hookers. That was mean of me.)
Tomorrow: Paris opens her eyes and discovers she is scarred for life!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
"I still have a chance!"
That's what (I'm guessing) Jennifer Aniston said today when People and US Weekly confirmed that Brad and Angie did not marry in New Orleans yesterday. Well, I know that's what I said!
Star Magazine first reported the nuptials yesterday. Uh...who will be fired for this? I want names, numbers, and financial compensation for the mental anguish I suffered when reading online that my William Bradley made Angie his wife. A few million, a lifetime supply of Ben & Jerry's, box seats for life at the new Yankee Stadium, and a walk on role on my favorite tv shows whenever I want will also suffice. Get on that, lowly Star reporter!
I wonder if they are like any of the idiots on TMZ. Does anyone watch that show? Hilarious. Harvey Levin and his dim-witted "reporters" sit in a large room talking about what celebrities they have found to put on their website. It's mostly stories about Britney, Paris, and stars sighted without makeup. The "reporters" all look like stoners working at a high school paper, with Levin acting as their academic advisor. There are a lot of cheesy jokes and laughter at things that aren't funny, with Levin rolling his eyes and trying to act like he's above it all. Really, Harvey? You used to be a lawyer! Now you are making money reporting on the lives of celebrities. At least share your secret with me! Selfish bastard.
Oh, right. So, no wedding for Brad and Angie. I mean, really. Do they need to make it official? They already have the kids and the houses and the...whatever else married people have. Framed photos? Bitterness to be taken out on the kids over the next few decades? Who needs a license for that?
Star Magazine first reported the nuptials yesterday. Uh...who will be fired for this? I want names, numbers, and financial compensation for the mental anguish I suffered when reading online that my William Bradley made Angie his wife. A few million, a lifetime supply of Ben & Jerry's, box seats for life at the new Yankee Stadium, and a walk on role on my favorite tv shows whenever I want will also suffice. Get on that, lowly Star reporter!
I wonder if they are like any of the idiots on TMZ. Does anyone watch that show? Hilarious. Harvey Levin and his dim-witted "reporters" sit in a large room talking about what celebrities they have found to put on their website. It's mostly stories about Britney, Paris, and stars sighted without makeup. The "reporters" all look like stoners working at a high school paper, with Levin acting as their academic advisor. There are a lot of cheesy jokes and laughter at things that aren't funny, with Levin rolling his eyes and trying to act like he's above it all. Really, Harvey? You used to be a lawyer! Now you are making money reporting on the lives of celebrities. At least share your secret with me! Selfish bastard.
Oh, right. So, no wedding for Brad and Angie. I mean, really. Do they need to make it official? They already have the kids and the houses and the...whatever else married people have. Framed photos? Bitterness to be taken out on the kids over the next few decades? Who needs a license for that?
Friday, March 28, 2008
Fergie turns 50...oh, actually only 33
Fergie Ferg turned 33 yesterday. What? She is not aging well. If she isn't the poster child for why you shouldn't do drugs, I don't know who is. Well, besides Britney and Amy Winehouse. And Pete Doherty. And Whitney Houston. Kiss my ass and pass the crack pipe!
The queen of the Black Eyed Peas celebrated her birthday at the Mirage in Las Vegas last night with 150 of her close friends. Please. Who has that many friends? Am I really supposed to believe Diablo Cody is friends with Fergie? I don't.
Josh Duhamel was there, of course. Oh, Josh. Why are you with Fergs? Sympathy for a former meth head? You are too good for that tranny mess.
Quentin Tarantino was also there, as they celebrate the same birthday. Random! Quentin is weird. I liked Pulp Fiction as much as the next person, but my goodness, is he annoying. He never shuts up! Blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda. Shut it, already. Wonder if he's over his obsession with Uma Thurman. Run, Uma, run!
Oh, and supposedly, Fergs didn't let a drop of alcohol pass her lips all night. Let's add some gasoline to those pregnancy rumors. And let us all hope the baby looks like Josh.
The queen of the Black Eyed Peas celebrated her birthday at the Mirage in Las Vegas last night with 150 of her close friends. Please. Who has that many friends? Am I really supposed to believe Diablo Cody is friends with Fergie? I don't.
Josh Duhamel was there, of course. Oh, Josh. Why are you with Fergs? Sympathy for a former meth head? You are too good for that tranny mess.
Quentin Tarantino was also there, as they celebrate the same birthday. Random! Quentin is weird. I liked Pulp Fiction as much as the next person, but my goodness, is he annoying. He never shuts up! Blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda. Shut it, already. Wonder if he's over his obsession with Uma Thurman. Run, Uma, run!
Oh, and supposedly, Fergs didn't let a drop of alcohol pass her lips all night. Let's add some gasoline to those pregnancy rumors. And let us all hope the baby looks like Josh.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Richie wouldn't have lasted a day on Melrose Place
Richie Sambora was arrested on a DUI charge Tuesday night in Laguna Beach. His girlfriend and 10-year-old daughter were in the car at the time of the arrest. Uh oh. Heather must be pissed!
Seriously, if this were Melrose Place, she would have pushed him into the pool and held his head under until he sank to the bottom. Amanda Woodward doesn't take crap from anyone! She's nobody's fool.
How quickly do you think she was on the phone with her lawyers? Quicker than you can say "Denise Richards is a skank!" Poor Heather. This comes only weeks after a 911 call was made on her behalf for fear that she was suicidal. What is going on, Lock? Is Jack Wagner getting on your nerves? He did supposedly drive his first wife to have a nervous breakdown (Frisco and Felicia 4 eva!). Are you pissed that you can't find a decent role on television? I feel like you would do well on a show like Dirty Sexy Money. You are a proven show-saver! Recognize, Hollywood.
Or, could you still be suffering post-traumatic stress from dating David Spade? Understandable.
Seriously, if this were Melrose Place, she would have pushed him into the pool and held his head under until he sank to the bottom. Amanda Woodward doesn't take crap from anyone! She's nobody's fool.
How quickly do you think she was on the phone with her lawyers? Quicker than you can say "Denise Richards is a skank!" Poor Heather. This comes only weeks after a 911 call was made on her behalf for fear that she was suicidal. What is going on, Lock? Is Jack Wagner getting on your nerves? He did supposedly drive his first wife to have a nervous breakdown (Frisco and Felicia 4 eva!). Are you pissed that you can't find a decent role on television? I feel like you would do well on a show like Dirty Sexy Money. You are a proven show-saver! Recognize, Hollywood.
Or, could you still be suffering post-traumatic stress from dating David Spade? Understandable.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Did Britney bring her own weave?
I'm thinking yes. It looked ratty. Don't they have a budget over at CBS for hair? Should Tyra have loaned her a weave?
Britney guest-starred on How I Met Your Mother Monday night. I wasn't really looking forward to it because I love the show on its own merit, and although everyone screamed that this wasn't a publicity stunt to attract more viewers and save it from being cancelled, I screamed "BS!" I mean, really.
Crossroads and an episode of Will and Grace does not make one a sought-after thespian. Isn't she supposed to be a pop star first and foremost? This was a mutual decision to bring viewers to the show and put Brit in front of a camera when she was coherent. Done and done. The show had its highest ratings in its three seasons (10.6 million), and Brit came away with a decent performance to add to her resume. It wasn't earth shattering by any means, and there were a few scenes in which I think she tried a little too hard (when she was being berated on the phone by Neil Patrick Harris comes to mind), but overall I think she played it as well as any of the hos from The Hills could have (except Heidi, who would have done whatever Spencer thought was artistic and edgy...gag).
The real guest-star of the show was Sarah Chalke. She was great(as always)in her role as Ted's dermatologist. Sarah is a natural at comedy, as shown in her work on Roseanne and Scrubs. She took over the role on Mother after Alicia Silverstone backed out. As if! Although, to her credit, I can understand that she thought she would be overshadowed by all the press on Britney. Fair enough. But honestly, to me, Britney was the one overshadowed by the talent around her.
At least she didn't pull out the British accent.
Britney guest-starred on How I Met Your Mother Monday night. I wasn't really looking forward to it because I love the show on its own merit, and although everyone screamed that this wasn't a publicity stunt to attract more viewers and save it from being cancelled, I screamed "BS!" I mean, really.
Crossroads and an episode of Will and Grace does not make one a sought-after thespian. Isn't she supposed to be a pop star first and foremost? This was a mutual decision to bring viewers to the show and put Brit in front of a camera when she was coherent. Done and done. The show had its highest ratings in its three seasons (10.6 million), and Brit came away with a decent performance to add to her resume. It wasn't earth shattering by any means, and there were a few scenes in which I think she tried a little too hard (when she was being berated on the phone by Neil Patrick Harris comes to mind), but overall I think she played it as well as any of the hos from The Hills could have (except Heidi, who would have done whatever Spencer thought was artistic and edgy...gag).
The real guest-star of the show was Sarah Chalke. She was great(as always)in her role as Ted's dermatologist. Sarah is a natural at comedy, as shown in her work on Roseanne and Scrubs. She took over the role on Mother after Alicia Silverstone backed out. As if! Although, to her credit, I can understand that she thought she would be overshadowed by all the press on Britney. Fair enough. But honestly, to me, Britney was the one overshadowed by the talent around her.
At least she didn't pull out the British accent.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Back to the Hills
*Celebrity Skewer correspondent (and budding wedding planner), Jessica, brings us her recap of The Hills premiere. Brace yourself for another mind-numbing season of the best fake reality on television!*
We haven't yet had enough, so we're going back to The Hills. I didn't see much of the pre-show, but I did catch enough to see Mariah (I don't get the tie-in) not only promote her new album but also lie about being a fan of the show. I'm sure she TiVo's it every week. Riiiight.
I see Whitney opted for the striped tights/boots look for the flight to Paris. Very Wicked Witch of the West.
Heidi is back home and hits the slopes with her mom, Darlene. Her mom looks so normal. I wonder what she thinks about her daughter's awkward gyrations in that homemade excuse for a music video.
Lauren and Whitney get rejected while running their first important errand in Paris. I didn't see that one coming. Sometimes you wonder how these two have jobs.
"Spencer, what is with your face? It's disgusting." I don't like Spencer's sis, but I do like this sass.
Heidi's stepfather seems less than pleased with Spencer's arrival in Colorado. Maybe he just didn't like Spencer's camera work in the above referenced video.
Audrina calls Lauren to say that Brody has a girlfriend. Shock of the century.
Is Heidi the incredible shrinking woman? Seriously, that scarf around her neck looks thicker than her entire body.
Looks like Lauren scored the biggest greaser in the band. Awesome...? Also, how old is this character? He looks like he's lived through some rough times.
Lauren is trying to mess with her fancy ballgown for a night out on the town. This sounds like a great idea. Did this girl leave her braincells in America? Did she have any to begin with?
HOLY CHEST HAIR. I know it's Europe, but I wasn't prepared for this gratuitous chest hair shot from Lauren's band guy. I say, button up.
Am I completely over the Speidi storyline? It's like they're talking, but I don't care at all about what they're saying and their scenes are really boring and pointless.
Okay, I feel bad for Lauren when she accidentally burns her dress.
Actually I take that back. She just got TWO designer dresses thrown her way, so I have to be a little jealous.
Ew, weird mini ponytail on the debutante escort they keep showing. If I don't see one of those again, I'll be okay with that.
Did anyone else feel like the Paris trip was going to be alot longer? All this build-up for a week? This show is so overdramatic. And I love it.
Upcoming scenes look great, especially the return of Stephen. I thought he was living in Tree Hill...but I was apparently mistaken.
I gotta run before I accidentally see any of Mariah's performance. That would put a big damper on the night. Thanks for reading!
We haven't yet had enough, so we're going back to The Hills. I didn't see much of the pre-show, but I did catch enough to see Mariah (I don't get the tie-in) not only promote her new album but also lie about being a fan of the show. I'm sure she TiVo's it every week. Riiiight.
I see Whitney opted for the striped tights/boots look for the flight to Paris. Very Wicked Witch of the West.
Heidi is back home and hits the slopes with her mom, Darlene. Her mom looks so normal. I wonder what she thinks about her daughter's awkward gyrations in that homemade excuse for a music video.
Lauren and Whitney get rejected while running their first important errand in Paris. I didn't see that one coming. Sometimes you wonder how these two have jobs.
"Spencer, what is with your face? It's disgusting." I don't like Spencer's sis, but I do like this sass.
Heidi's stepfather seems less than pleased with Spencer's arrival in Colorado. Maybe he just didn't like Spencer's camera work in the above referenced video.
Audrina calls Lauren to say that Brody has a girlfriend. Shock of the century.
Is Heidi the incredible shrinking woman? Seriously, that scarf around her neck looks thicker than her entire body.
Looks like Lauren scored the biggest greaser in the band. Awesome...? Also, how old is this character? He looks like he's lived through some rough times.
Lauren is trying to mess with her fancy ballgown for a night out on the town. This sounds like a great idea. Did this girl leave her braincells in America? Did she have any to begin with?
HOLY CHEST HAIR. I know it's Europe, but I wasn't prepared for this gratuitous chest hair shot from Lauren's band guy. I say, button up.
Am I completely over the Speidi storyline? It's like they're talking, but I don't care at all about what they're saying and their scenes are really boring and pointless.
Okay, I feel bad for Lauren when she accidentally burns her dress.
Actually I take that back. She just got TWO designer dresses thrown her way, so I have to be a little jealous.
Ew, weird mini ponytail on the debutante escort they keep showing. If I don't see one of those again, I'll be okay with that.
Did anyone else feel like the Paris trip was going to be alot longer? All this build-up for a week? This show is so overdramatic. And I love it.
Upcoming scenes look great, especially the return of Stephen. I thought he was living in Tree Hill...but I was apparently mistaken.
I gotta run before I accidentally see any of Mariah's performance. That would put a big damper on the night. Thanks for reading!
Monday, March 24, 2008
Time to turn this out
I have no idea what that even means, but welcome to the relaunch of this site, formerly known as Bitter By Design. I wanted a better title and a more interesting layout. Hope you enjoy it...and if you don't, SUCK IT and get your own blog.
It's the first Monday of Spring, and the new season of The Hills premieres tonight, so why not change things up, right? I mean, if I'm watching The Hills, my life is already in the dumps. A little change won't hurt anyone.
In fact, in the immortal words of Sheryl Crow, "A Change Will Do You Good." I'm so glad she is no longer with sleaze ball Lance Armstrong. That is one change we can both get on board with.
So, expect the same things you loved about the old site: sarcasm, bitterness, paranoia, delusion, and recaps, but....well, there may be more recaps. I feel like I should start recapping something since I watch so much tv. Expect fan-favorite recaps of The Hills new season. That should hold you over until I decide what the hell I'm doing.
Oh, today I saw a picture of Jessica Alba smiling. I don't think her gross fiance was holding a gun to her back, forcing her to do it, either. Maybe it was just gas. Maybe someone just lied to her and told her they loved the sneak peek they saw of The Love Guru.
Boy, that movie looks like crap.
It's the first Monday of Spring, and the new season of The Hills premieres tonight, so why not change things up, right? I mean, if I'm watching The Hills, my life is already in the dumps. A little change won't hurt anyone.
In fact, in the immortal words of Sheryl Crow, "A Change Will Do You Good." I'm so glad she is no longer with sleaze ball Lance Armstrong. That is one change we can both get on board with.
So, expect the same things you loved about the old site: sarcasm, bitterness, paranoia, delusion, and recaps, but....well, there may be more recaps. I feel like I should start recapping something since I watch so much tv. Expect fan-favorite recaps of The Hills new season. That should hold you over until I decide what the hell I'm doing.
Oh, today I saw a picture of Jessica Alba smiling. I don't think her gross fiance was holding a gun to her back, forcing her to do it, either. Maybe it was just gas. Maybe someone just lied to her and told her they loved the sneak peek they saw of The Love Guru.
Boy, that movie looks like crap.
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