A time to give thanks

I'd like to take a moment from my hectic schedule of snarking and loathing to thank all of my loyal readers for their unending support of this blog. Without you I would be nothing! Really.

Okay, that's a lie. But sometimes a lie is much better than the truth. And the truth is that we live in troubled times. The economy is in turmoil, retail and home sales are at their lowest in decades, Pushing Daisies has been cancelled, and the season of being forced together with family is upon us. It's really too much to think about while sober. So, let's raise a glass and pop some pills.

Or something.

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all.

The Hills

The Diva is here with a pre-Thanksgiving recap:

I'll assume that because Spencer and Heidi eloped, I can return my previously purchased wedding gift. But in the meantime, let's get started with tonight's episode.

Has Audrina's work friend finally reached her breaking point with Audrina's latest show of tears over the supposed Lauren-J.Bobby hook-up? She couldn't come up with much to say to console Audrina and her hug was half-hearted at best. I don't know how she's lasted this long.

As Lauren is calling Audrina crazy and making fun of Justin Bobby's minimal showering, you know Lo is thinking "Finally, I can have Lauren all back to myself now. Next on my list: world domination." Insert wicked laugh here.

So Heidi has lost her office and has been banished to the land of cubicles at Bolthouse. Boo hoo. It's nice to see her recent firing and re-hiring hasn't stopped her from having personal visits/unnecessary conversations at work. Don't know how Bolthouse let that gem go the first time.

It's no secret that I have never been a Justin Bobby fan, but I want to thank him for shutting Audrina up and telling her what I was practically screaming at the TV: You're an idiot!

Wait, what was that exchange between Heidi and Spencer? It didn't make sense. I mean, most of their time on this show doesn't make sense, but this really didn't make sense.

It was partly the lighting at the club, and partly her stone cold stare, but Audrina looked like one crazy chick when she confronted Lauren (again) about the rumors. I was scared she was gonna completely lose it and start flipping over tables and go for Lo's hair and...it was gonna get real messy. Not tonight, but maybe next week. Until then, Happy Thanksgiving!

Speidi marries

Surprisingly, they eloped. Hmmmm.....that seems odd, doesn't it?

They can't walk and chew gum without calling the paps.

According to Perez, Us Weekly will have the exclusive photos.

Run, don't walk! Ugh.

Not surprised. At. All.

Ashlee Simpson finally popped out a little boy. His name? Bronx Mowgli Wentz.

I was hoping for Lip Sync.

Ugh. These two.

I need a drink.

New Couple Alert

John Krasinski and Emily Blunt.

Love it!

I'm sure we'll get a "We're just friends" statement any day now (seeing as it was his and Rashida's 'go to' for years), but it would be nice to see a pic of them together because the world needs one more gorgeous couple. No, really. It hasn't yet met it's quota.

If you have some time on your hands, and you want a good laugh, go to any John Krasinski messageboard and see how people freak out over his personal life. It's hilarious. Not since the glory days of the Fametracker messageboard that got into heated debates over the Michael/Jennifer/Ben triangle, have there been so many opinions to make me laugh/make me fear humanity.

People's Sexiest Man Alive

Gah. Still hate the word 'sexy.' However, I do agree with their choice of Hugh Jackman. Love him.

The man is working overtime in the press department for Australia. BY THE WAY, WHY WAS NICKY KIDMAN CAST IN THIS MOVIE???? Baz Luhrmann, stop loving her. Her immovable forehead is just ridiculous and Naomi Watts would have been better. I bet she and Hugh would have had great chemistry. Or give me Kate Winslet with an Australian accent she could have mastered. Her forehead moves. Naomi's forehead moves. Nicole's....used to.

In other news, Brad and Cate Blanchett on Opes today. You know Aniston is fuming.

The Hills

Another episode of mayhem that begs to be broken down and snarked on:

Is Whitney so busy using up all her cell phone minutes chatting away with the gross Australian that she can't find the time to brush her hair? I expect so much more from you Whit. Where has the undying poise from seasons past gone?

J. Bobby enjoys roaming around Venice Beach's boardwalk. Ah yes, that makes so much sense. He actually seems normal in the middle of that scene.

How did these two idiots (I'm talking about Heidi and Spencer, NOT the Aftershow hosts for once) score a guest spot on How I Met Your Mother? CBS should be ashamed.

Don't you get the feeling that Lauren is totally pitying Audrina whenever she talks about her relationship (I'm using that term in the loosest sense) with JB? How long do we give it before she finally just smacks Audrina out of it?

Sam, who is like Brent Bolthouse but more Dr. Evil-ish, called Heidi smart. Huh. I'm stunned.

Lauren plus a funky hat equals an extra dose of sass. Stephanie learned that firsthand.

Lo returns! It's been too long.

Heidi, of course Spencer's the problem. How has it taken you this long to say it out loud?!?

I wonder if Rev Run knows Justin Bobby stole his hat to wear to dinner with Audrina.

Next week, we get to see the "truth" behind the Justin Bobby/Lauren/Audrina love triangle rumors from a few months ago. Say it isn't so, Lauren!

Too cute, too annoying, too sad

The puppies! Oh my gosh, the puppies. I am not a dog person, but the webcam of the Shiba Inu puppies has me hooked. So adorable. And hilarious. Love when they are all huddled together asleep, but THE BEST is when they are playing and jumping on each other and kicking each other in the face (with love!). Hilarious.

I love Paul Rudd. Plain and simple. A fact. Paul hosted SNL this weekend. Some good stuff mixed in with some mediocre stuff. Then there was just horrifying stuff. That's where Justin comes in. Ugh. Timberlake invaded SNL. First on Weekend Update and then in a skit (with Beyonce, no less). Ugh x 2. Seriously, they are two people on my list of "People That I Fear Getting Trapped In An Elevator With For Even A Minute." Don't invade Paul Rudd's hosting gig, JT! You are not cool enough to do that. Ever. The only redeeming quality of his skit was seeing his ease in wearing heels. Uh huh.

I am excited to be attending the 2nd Annual Adrienne Shelly Foundation Fundraising Gala tonight in NY, but saddened that such a tragic event was the impetus for the Foundation. Adrienne Shelly was a writer/director/actor that was murdered two years ago this month by a man trying to steal money from her purse. His defense for strangling her to death was that he was "having a bad day." Terrific. Adrienne left behind her husband and two children, as well as a film community that loved her deeply. Celebrities, including some of the cast of her hit film, Waitress, will be on hand tonight to perform tributes to her. Please check out the Adrienne Shelly Foundation for more information.

Jennifer Aniston on Oprah

It will air today. Are you ready?

NO?

Me, either. That's why I won't watch. I have a cold and I'm annoyed enough. Don't need the cheesefest of Jenny and Opes. I prefer Opes on 30 Rock when she can sit beside Tina and play along for laughs. That is the best Oprah.

The Up-Jenny's-Ass-And-Oh-Isn't-She-The-Best-And-How-Did-You-Survive-Your-Divorce-With-Great-Hair-And-How-Often-Do-You-Exercise-To-Look-Like-That Opes I can live without.

THAT Oprah doesn't have the balls to ask Jen why on earth she would go back to John Mayer.

I bet Gayle would ask.

When Cruz is classier than mommy

Uh, like every day.

So, Vicki Beckham took adorable little Cruz Beckham to The Grove on Tuesday. There were paparazzi (of course) and Vicki was sporting a Forest Green mini and killer Christian Louboutin boots and OH MY GOSH, Vicki, can you ever not dress like a fembot when out in public?

I know you want everyone to know that not eating is giving you the body you've always wanted. You know, where there is no difference between your thigh and calf and your leg just looks like one long stick? Ugh. And those fake breasts on that tiny frame? Ridiculous. And disturbing. And her purses weigh more than her and it's really all too much. Just stop and eat and come to terms with the fact that David is a guy and he will look at other women (LA Laker cheerleaders) and whatever, because he comes home to you and your kids are way too cute and enjoy your life.

Thankfully, Cruz classed the trip up with his fun designer shades and Santa hat. He looked like he was dressed to make a cameo on Bindi Irwin's animal show, but that just makes everyone love him more. Like me.

Mission accomplished, little Cruz!

More Hills Hijinx

The Diva has fulfilled her obligations for two weeks straight. I noted it in my wish book.

Whitney almost pulled a Britney getting out of that NYC taxi. You know what I'm talking about. If she's living in the city now, she should work on her technique.

Heidi is looking for a new job after getting fired, and Spencer...is still loafing around their apartment for a living.

Ew, male models. Ew. I didn't exactly see any Tyson Beckfords walking that runway.

The "Serenader" (not a cool nickname) is g-ross if you ask me. Just getting a weird/unshowered vibe from him.

Look at Brent Bolthouse laying the smackdown on Spencer. FINALLY. I've been waiting for someone to do it for years.

So Whitney and her toothpick legs are working that bar hard, huh? Do we feel bad for Alex? I can't decide.

Okay, now I've decided to feel bad for Alex! Whit didn't even say goodbye to him. I didn't think she had it in her.

When your career is in the toilet...

...some retail therapy is in order.

The lovable Lindsay Lohan and BFF/gal pal/sneaker-loving dj/girlfriend Sam Ronson were spotted at XIV Karats LTD in Beverly Hills yesterday. Linds left with a huge rock (not of coke) on her right hand.

Good to see that in this economy, Linds can be counted on to keep jewelers in business. Such a giver.

How the hell does she manage to shop frivolously, while working occasionally? I want to do that!

Well, minus the shopping. I'd like to nap more, honestly.

Quite a threesome

Brit and Justin will be performing with Madonna at Dodger Stadium tonight. Say what? It's true.

Justin will perform 4 Minutes and Brit will perform Human Nature.

I have a friend who will be attending tonight's extravaganza, so I can hear all the gory details later. I have a feeling Jessica Biel will be in attendance tonight, as well. Just a hunch.

While that takes place across the country, I will perform my The Office dance and enjoy my favorite night of tv. Seriously, The Office, 30 Rock, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Sarah Silverman Program, and Tim Gunn's Guide to Style are an amazing tv lineup.

It's Thursday, bitch.

Who is better then Kate Winslet?

No one. Seriously.

The youngest actress to earn five Oscar nominations can be seen on the cover of the new Vanity Fair looking fierce. Like crazy. Of course, I think Kate looked beautiful in Titanic, even though jackass and Titanic director James Cameron allegedly took to calling her Kate "weighs-a-lot" on set. SHUT UP, James Cameron!

Looking forward to Kate reteaming with Leo in this Fall's Revolutionary Road. In the article, Kate talks about her close friendship with Leo and how she suggested him for the male lead. Sam Mendes, the director of the film (& Kate's husband, talks about how he respects their friendship and really wanted them to use it to their advantage when collaborating on screen.

And to all of the haters over in England giving Kate crap about how she must have been airbrushed....relax. Everyone knows there is some degree of airbrushing in every photoshoot. In a 2003 shoot for Britain's GQ, Kate admitted that the photos had been digitally enhanced to make her look much slimmer than she was. She claimed not to be mad at the magazine, but wanted people to know she was not really that thin.

In a culture that is obsessed with being thin and "marketable," it was refreshing to say the least.

Love ya, Kate.

"Let it just happen, and see what happens."

Well, look at this Election Day surprise! Someone has sobered up long enough to grace us with a recap of The Hills. And, from the sound of it, Justin Bobby is still smoking something funny.

So Audrina is saying adios to roommate life and moving into her own place. Lauren and Lo will probably not notice since it seems like they've been living their own lives in the main house since the three moved in together.

I still don't understand how Heidi is put in charge of anything at work. How can you give someone with such frequent blank stares so much responsibility?

Audrina asks J.Bobby to move in with her. His response is the vague, nonsensical title of this post. He is such a charmer.

Is that LA Ink's #1 patron that Audrina is showing around her new house? Holy tattoos.

There is way too much shrieking coming out of Heidi at the club opening. Looks like tequila raises her voice about three octaves.

As an Aftershow aside, why do those hosts wear a headset and talk into a microphone at the same time? Not that this should be their biggest worry. Have you seen their wardrobes? Someone gets paid to put those looks together. What a travesty.

Wow, I did not see Heidi's firing coming. Brent really laid down the law. Now that Heidi's been let go from Bolthouse, she'll have more time to focus on her music. World, start investing in earplugs.

All hail Pink

John Mayer told her "I only shag really stupid women."

Her response?

"I guess they would have to be."

Thank you, Pink!

John, what happened to you? So tragic. Maniston is a joke of epic proportions.

Saw Changeling yesterday. Harrowing. My Mother was not too impressed by Ange, though. On the way home she said, "She was fine, but I don't think she was Oscar-worthy."

Team Aniston, anyone?

Oy.

On a different note, anyone else curious as to whether or not we will get a recap of The Hills tomorrow? Let's see if our resident diva can find the time in her busy schedule.