The Hills

I've been seeing alot of actual celebrities speak out about The Hills as of late. Both Charlize Theron and America Ferrara have said they just don't get the show. I'll be sure to send them the link to this recap. I'm sure that will change their minds.

Not like I should make fun of anyone's workout habits, but what's up with Lauren's weak punches with her trainer at the gym? I know she's too busy gossiping to focus, but I'm pretty sure I could take her down without a problem.

Stephanie can't even come up with an excuse for hanging out with Doug. It's painful that she can't come up with anything to say to Lauren.

Heidi's mom, Darlene, seems just as shocked with Spencer's ridiculous behavior as I have been this entire season. Her face reads two things: 1. my daughter's boyfriend is an ass and 2. my daughter has had way too much plastic surgery.

Stephanie is a lying freakshow. She deleted Doug's number? Apparently not since they're out to dinner and having a DVD night. And who calls it that in the first place? Lame.

"If she cries, she cries." Brody clearly won't be holding back around Stephanie at Doug's BBQ.

It's Darlene vs. Spencer at the outdoor cafe. Watch out innocent passersby. This could start getting ugly.

Uh oh, here comes Audrina's boobs again.

I appreciate Whitney's poolside sass. She reminds me of myself in this instance.

That's a nice shrine Doug has built for himself in his house.

Lauren isn't putting up with Stephanie's tears anymore. She took her sheer cover up and stomped right outta there.

Is this the absolute end of the Stephanie Pratt era? We'll have to stay tuned to find out.

ScarJo says "I do"

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds were married on Saturday evening in Canada.

Yes, Hollywood couples, it is possible to marry without everyone in the world knowing about it and you having to complain that paparazzi ruined your special day.

When John Krasinski and I walk down the aisle, I expect there to be little fanfare as well. Could that have something to do with him not knowing about my plans? Possibly.

Best of luck to the happy couple!

Alanis, I suggest a valium and some booze. Plus, he won't be able to sustain that body forever. Will Scarlett love him without those abs? Doubtful.

Well worth the wait

Let me take you back to a scenario from last May: me, sitting on my couch, eagerly anticipating Jim asking Pam to marry him while watching the fireworks at Toby's goodbye party.

Me, mouth open, blood pressure rising, as Andy steals the moment and asks Angela to marry him in front of everyone.

Me, ready to throw the tv out the window as Pam gets teary-eyed because of the non-proposal.

Me, pissed for days and weeks and months.

Last night, I went into the Season 5 premiere of The Office with caution. John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer gave pre-season interviews which lead me to believe an engagement had been put on the back burner. Jim actually had a talking head in the beginning of the episode about how he and Pam decided to wait until she returned from Pratt Institute in NY. Fine. Not thrilled, but fine. I had to accept it.

Or did I?

Well, yeah, to keep my sanity I did.

But...but....then....a rest stop, in the rain, Jim on one knee, Pam in shock, me in shock, me smiling, cat running around like a nut, rain pouring down and causing me to worry that my cable would go out, Jim proposing, Pam saying 'Yes,' the kiss, the kiss, still more kissing, Jim returning to the office for the weigh-in with a big ole' smile plastered on his face.

Uh, yeah. Thank you to the writers.

ALTHOUGH, because I've been scorned in the past, I do remember a Ms. Lorelai Gilmore asking a Mr. Luke Danes to marry her at the end of Season 5, only to have her marry stupid Christopher and then get back with Luke in the final moments of Season 7.

If we could not have a repeat of that mess, or any ridiculous "We were on a break!" talk, that would be fabulous. Truly and completely fabulous.

And a special Happy Birthday greeting to Celebrity Skewer resident Diva, Fashionista, and The Hills recapper, Jessica. Her sass and attitude have never been stronger, and her feet walking down stairs have never been louder. Long live the stumps!

Clay Aiken is gay

In other news, the economy sucks and I'm very tired.

The Diva speaks!

Someone finally found the time to throw her fans a review. Yes, the Diva herself is back with a review of The Hills. And, from the tens of thousands of emails that have flooded my inbox over the past week, you are willing to give her another chance. I'm hesitant, but willing to give the people what they want.

Okay, so I missed recapping last week's episode. I watched it a few days after it originally aired, and by that time I figured everyone was over Justin Bobby dissing Audrina and Lauren calling a mini truce with Heidi's sis. So, tonight I'm making my return to the blog with an on-time recap. Enjoy!

Audrina's face says it all: What is crazy eyes Stephanie going to unleash upon me now?

How much could Heidi and Spencer stay in when I see their outfits-gone-wrong at every event in town in the mags?

I love Lo's sunglasses. Love.

Audrina is awfully chatty with Heidi. The little twig is probably just being drunk friendly. You know Lo is taking down notes of this convo and will provide Lauren with a typed transcript the minute she returns from Italy.

Nice to see that J.B. was able to take a break from chopping down trees in the wilderness to go to the X Games party. There's no other reason for that plaid shirt, right?

If Stephanie and Doug were trying to keep their non-date dinner under the radar, maybe they shouldn't have gone to Beso. Just a thought.

Lauren's back in L.A. Ah, now all is right with the world. Stephanie, watch your back.

What will the resulting fallout be from all of this? Looks like we'll find out next week.

Joey Potter takes on Broadway

Tonight marks the Broadway debut of Mrs. Scientology herself, Katie Holmes. She stars with John Lithgow, Diane Wiest, and Patrick Wilson in Arthur Miller's All My Sons. The show is in previews until October 16th.

Jump back! Reunion of Lithgow and Wiest, who co-starred in Footloose as Lori Singer's parents. Let's party!

But back to Katie....she's very thin. And the huge sunglasses she wears when out and about in NY take me back to the days of Christina Ricci when she lost a lot of weight. She looks like a lollipop with sunglasses. Disturbing.

What does this have to do with Katie's acting? Well, nothing. If Madonna can do Broadway, I'm sure Katie can muddle her way through. John and Diane are solid actors, and Patrick Wilson is pretty cute. Uh, and he was good in Little Children. I'm sure Tom will have his eye on him during the show.

Best of luck, little Joey Potter. I hope Joshua Jackson swings by to offer his support....and a getaway plan.

Two days and counting

Recapper Jessica is a DIVA. No two ways about it.

The once plucky, spirited, and professional recapper has turned her back on her fanbase. Seems she has traded in her star-making turn as a lifeline to all The Hills fans for the horrible new version of 90210 and Monday's Gossip Girl episode. Priorities are apparently the first thing to go out the window when living the high life in Baltimore, MD. Consider that one to grow on, kids.

Instead of giving us a day-late recap, the Sassy One decided to make other tv shows her focus. LC would be fuming and relegate her to the pool house with Audrina if she knew about this nonsense.

If she should bother to EVER recap The Hills again, should we allow for it to be posted on this site? I'll leave that up to you, dear readers. I care about your opinions, unlike someone else.

In other news, the verdict is still out on the new tv show Fringe. I liked last night's episode more than last week's Pilot, but don't know if this one has legs. Joshua Jackson and Anna Torv have nice chemistry, but the quirks of the show might do it in. That father of JJ's is a handful.

Not the strongest series from J.J. Abrams by a long shot.

Letting us all down

Tuesday is usually the day when Recapper Jessica uses her attitude, sass, and grasp of the English language to explain to us what the hell we watched on any given episode of The Hills.

Well, today is Tuesday. Am I right?

My inbox was flooded this morning with rabid fans asking, "Celebrity Skewer, where is the recap of The Hills that I have come to know, love, and rely on?" Others asked the more philosophical question, "If an episode of The Hills aired, but was not reviewed by Recapper Jessica, is it still considered relevant?"

Dear readers, I don't have the answers. I wish I did, but I don't. Maybe it is our job not to ask, but to just accept that we have been let down on a cloudy Tuesday with no ray of recapped sunshine to get us through.

Oh, wait. I do have the answer: Recapper Jessica was too busy getting her drink on at a local Baltimore bar watching the Cowboys/Eagles game last night. Last I knew, she wasn't a football fan. Hmmm.....is this a cry for help? Is an intervention close at hand?

Or did she just let us down and ignore her loyal fan base?

These are the questions to ponder while we muddle through a Tuesday afternoon.

If Eva Longoria is fat....

.....then I'm a Red Sox fan.

Eva, and now her Desperate Housewives co-star, Felicity Huffman, have commented to the press that she is "just fat" and not pregnant. Uh-huh.

Please stop calling her "just fat." The woman is not fat. She has gained a few pounds for (supposedly) her role on this upcoming season of the show, which takes place five years in the future. Maybe she really is pregnant. Who knows? Or cares?

Eva will also be donning a fat suit this season, which is always funny to watch. I can still remember how much I laughed when Gwynnie donned one for Shallow Hal. What a riot! And who can forget Eddie Murphy in Norbit? How hilarious!

OH MY GOSH, STOP WITH THE FAT SUITS HOLLYWOOD.

Just stop. Enough.

And stop calling people fat, giving young girls unrealistic ideas of what a "healthy weight" is and please, please PLEASE stop Desperate Housewives from airing.

Thank you.

Also, congrats to Gwen and Gavin for celebrating their 6-year anniversary, and Tina Fey for killing me with her Sarah Palin impersonation. Liz Lemon can do no wrong.

J.Lo out, Tim Gunn in

J.Lo had to cancel her judging duties in the Project Runway finale due to a foot injury (yes, that does sound shady), so Mr. Tim Gunn will be the new guest judge for the episode.

Kudos to Tim! Can't wait to see him mix it up with Nina and Michael.

I'm sorry, but this season's contestants have been way too sassy and full of themselves. And many have let Tim's words of wisdom go in one ear and out the other. Stop with that. Tim knows fashion. He also knows when a good eye roll will send me into a fit of laughter, so I appreciate that as well.

The finale was filmed today and will air at some point. Ha!

Even the raccoons cried

You know you thought Lauren looked like one when her mascara ran last night! That was the best fake makeup of a fake fight/friendship ever. Kudos to LC and Audrina. Do I smell an Emmy in their futures?

I am trying to recover from tonight's shocking One Tree Hill, which ended just seconds before I had to switch to MTV. CW, you've done it yet again! Anyway, onto The Hills...

Audrina looks like she had a ROUGH night. Ouch.

Ew to the foot close-up. Not necessary.

I want a job where the word 'vintage-y' is part of a day's work.

Spencer is evil. No, not just evil...e-vil.

Lo gave off the 'I can't be bothered with your troubles any more, stop complaining' vibe about the Lauren/Audrina situation. Hey, she was clearly too busy drinking her Vitamin Water and surfing the 'net to care.

Lauren can't think about Audrina right now. She needs to focus on dressing crazy Lady Gaga. And homegirl looks like a handful.

I don't even know what to say about the convo at the end of tonight's show. It seems like Lauren and Audrina decided to stay friends out of spite, if that even makes sense. The whole thing was building up to them just parting ways, and then out of nowhere there was a heartfelt hug and a resolution to be friends again. We'll see how this one plays out.

There was a new episode of The Hills?

I was watching Wednesday's episode of Project Runway. So long, Stella!

I'll try to look past my excitement over Britney opening the VMA's long enough to pay attention to this special installment of The Hills.

This opening monologue has to rank as one of the most overdramatic in recent history. Cue Lauren: "...What could go wrong? EVERYTHING." I can't stand the anticipation.

Happy birthday Frankie! I don't know where you came from or what you really do, but the whole gang is in Vegas to celebrate your big day so that must mean something.

Brody, a black wife beater does not count as an actual shirt that you should wear outside of your house. Although my younger brother would say otherwise.

Spencer is so peeved over Heidi's sister crashing with them while she gets settled in L.A., he threatens to move out. So Heidi could end up with Spencer gone and her sis as her new roommate. I say to roll with it.

Lauren looks too cute on the VMA red carpet during the commercial break. I wonder if she's wearing...herself.

Looks like Holly's extensions held up just fine in Colorado. I don't know how well they'll fare the first time she's involved in her first catfight at Les Deux, though.

Lauren goes through friends faster than anyone I know. It would take alot of work to get rid of friends at the pace she's keeping.

Raise your hand if you want to know more about Stephanie's past drug problem....! At least that explains the droopy eyes.

Frankie and his words of wisdom can't stop the barrage of evil stares and eye rolls on the dance floor. Audrina, Lauren, and Lo: Three's Company they are not.

I hope someone busts Brody and Doug out of jail soon. They're too pretty to stay in the slammer.

Good thing we only have to wait a day until we'll see what will surely be the stunning conclusion of the Vegas escapades.

Hold on to your weave!

Brit is opening the VMAs this Sunday!

Although it has been confirmed by a "source" that she will not perform, the recovering no-shoes-in-gas-station-bathrooms fan will do something when the bell tolls at 9pm. Hmmmm.....give her thoughts on the political front? Discuss how she is cutting back during this struggling economy? The mind boggles!

The saddest part about this stunt is that my lame ass will be watching. Damn Sunday night tv programming for sucking!

Worse than eating a bag of Sabor de Soledad

Is finding out that Jennifer Aniston is going to guest on my beloved 30 Rock.

First Schwimmer, and now Aniston.

Look, NBC, I can't help it that their careers have hit a wall! Stop throwing them a lifeline and forcing 30 Rock to give in to ratings ploys. The show is an Emmy winner. Have faith that the core audience will come back when the new season starts (October 30th) and stop with the Friends pandering.

Did you see the last few seasons of that show? Awful.

In the immortal word of Liz Lemon, "Blergh!"

The Hills

*Recapper extraordinaire, Jessica, flew in from a jaunt to the Windy City in order to keep us up-to-date on the nonsense going on in with LC and crew. Without Recapper Jessica, we would all be lost.*

I am still recovering from a weekend of little sleep, so let's cut to the chase here:

Braids galore! I haven't braided my hair in...forever. I'd really have to perfect my skills to hang with these girls.

It was nice to see some more of Whitney, although I'm beginning to wonder more and more if she can carry her own story lines if that spin-off show ends up happening. I like her, but her vacant responses don't exactly make for thrilling television.

I threw up a little in my mouth when Spencer mentioned cuddling in bed. Talk about heebie-jeebies.

Looks like we'll get an extra Hills episode before the VMA's air on Sunday, and the gang will be heading to Vegas for some drama filled shenanigans. Hopefully I'll be back in top form by then, since the preview showed tears, arrests, and Justin Bobby. What more can you ask for?