What an idiot

Oh, Shia.

I was first alerted to a Breaking News bulletin from E! yesterday afternoon while watching some special on Britney's meltdown. (Riveting, by the way). Then I see that Shia got himself a DUI early Sunday morning in LA after getting into an accident.

Shia loves the sauce, doesn't he?

I remember when he was on Letterman promoting the Indy movie and talked about his incident at Walgreens when he was charged with misdemeanor criminal trespassing. At Walgreens. Why, you ask? Because his drunk ass wanted cigarettes and entered a Walgreens repeatedly, each time forgetting the cigarettes because he became paranoid that a security guard thought he was shoplifting. Dummy even went back to his hotel room to change clothes in order to keep the guard from remembering him. Uh huh.

The simple days of Even Stevens seem so far away, don't they?

Luckily, no one was seriously hurt in Sunday's accident. Shia actually suffered the most damage, having to have extensive surgery on his left hand. This will hold up production on Transformers 2 and Michael Bay doesn't seem the type to take news like this lightly. Not to mention the fact that a SAG strike is looming and people are trying to wrap up film shoots as quickly as possible.

Good going, LaBeouf.

Anyone watching Bikini or Bust?

It's a new TLC series on Friday nights after What Not to Wear. Now that Johnny K. is getting ready to start Season 5 of The Office, my Friday nights are free. Love you, John! Thanks for a great few weeks of pretend dates!

Ahem.

So, Ashley Paige is a bikini designer that has no money to make her designs in bulk. She needs a backer or fairy godmother to supply the cash so she can make millions of ruffled bikinis for the masses. Somehow she barely scrapes together the rent for her studio and I assume she is paying her staff. She is too flighty to work with for them to be doing this for free.

Did I mention she loves candles? She is very mystical and into seances and spirits and she is so someone I would not be friends with for even a minute. But there is something intriguing about her never having money (check!), not having a boyfriend (check!), and having her mother around constantly (check!). If I was creative, had stringy hair in desperate need of conditioning, and weighed 90 lbs., we could be twins.

Check out TLC Friday nights at 10:00pm and watch this mess.

Also, Amy Winehouse thinks her drug addict husband would make a great father. Crackheads are so funny!

The wonder twins were made in a science lab

Really? According to US Weekly, Brange used in vitro fertilization so that the Ange part of Brange wouldn't have to "deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant."

Is that a sly remark about her not wanting to have sex with Brad?

I better call her brother James to find out the real story. You know, the one we all thought she was in love with years ago? Oh, Angelina. What a strange trip it has been.

Regardless of how she achieved two people living in her womb for almost 9 months, they are out now and I expect to see them on a magazine cover very soon. Some guesses are that photos will go for 16 million. Cha-ching! If only normal people could profit from popping out children for photo shoots. I'd have 10 by now. Ouch!

Oh, right. Brange is going to give the money to charity. How about a cool million to the writer of this blog? I'll buy a better layout and dedicate it to Shiloh! Pinky swear!

Fine. I'd blow it all on Ben & Jerry's. But I'd raise a spoon to Shiloh as I dig into New York Super Fudge Chunk.

Jessica Biel will be pissed

You know why?

Because reports claim that Justin will duet with Brit Brit on her new album.

Say what?

For reals, yo. (That is my Justin impersonation, btw).

I've heard these reports before. Wasn't J supposed to guest on B's last album? I guess even he saw through the haze of Cheetos dust and knew those songs were going to be ass. Maybe he's not as dumb as he looks. Or acts (in movies or on stage).

Will there be a renewed spark now that Britney's weaves have gotten a tiny bit better and she seems to have gotten her life in order? In the immortal words of one Mr. Justin Bobby, "Truth and time will tell."

Preach it!

This doesn't sound good

Christian Bale was arrested in London on Tuesday after assault allegations were made by his mother and sister.

Easy, Bruce Wayne.

The incident occurred on Sunday at the Dorchester hotel, where Christian was staying for the UK premiere of The Dark Knight. He allegedly "lashed out" at his mother and sister in his hotel room.

Hmmm....I lash out at my tv when A-Rod strikes out with the bases loaded, or when Andy steals Jim's thunder and I'm left with not seeing a Jim/Pam engagement for an entire summer, but this sounds more threatening.

Oh, Christian. What the hell? You have everything going for you. The movie is a phenomenon, you are well-liked and respected in Hollywood....this is not acceptable behavior. EVER.

I hope he doesn't try to blame it on jet lag or insomnia. And I hope his daughter wasn't present at the time.

Christian was released after being questioned and has to return to a London police station in September.

Tori Spelling lies

Tori claims to be thrilled to hear that Shannen Doherty will be joining her and appearing in several episodes of the CW's new 90210. Uh huh!

And Steve Sanders is a Mensa member!

Shannen will be reprising her role of Brenda Walsh for the new show, and will come in with guns blazing, I'm sure. Will she still wear bangs that fall in her face and cause her to blink EVERY SECOND OF HER LIFE? That is the question.

Brenda is now a drama teacher and will direct a play at good ole' West Beverly. Appropriate, as Brenda knew from drama while on the show. Will David Silver be doing the score on his keyboard? Will Steve provide tank tops for the boys in the cast?

Now, I know that Tori was the one person that remained tight with Shannen after all of Shannen's nonsense and eye rolling on set, but I thought that even Tori grew tired of the drama. And, I mean, if Tori Spelling grows tired of your stank attitude and tells you to beat it, something is wrong and you really need to look inward or read a self-help book to get it together. At least Shannen got rid of nasty-ass Rick Solomon before he picked up an STD (or 12) from Paris and Pam.

Shannen is the fourth member of the original cast to be joining the spin-off. In addition to Tori, Jennie Garth will be back as Kelly Taylor, now a counselor at West Beverly, and Joe E. Tata will be back as Nat (at least in the pilot). The Peach Pit lives!

Did the Peach Pit After Dark survive? Where is Jamie Walters? You know Ray Pruit still needs extra money to buy that other "T."

Will little Vi have a Tulip or Daisy to play with?

Speculation has been reaching a fever pitch lately that something is happening in the Garner/Affleck household. There were rumors as recent as last month that the couple was going to call it quits. And, no, those rumors were not started by the handsome and french Mr. Michael Vartan!

Well, now Victor Garber has gone and spilled the beans that Jennifer is pregnant! Will Jen be pleased that her main gay has loose lips with the media? If Vic has a black eye within the next few days, we'll know the answer.

Apparently Jen is 5 months pregnant and the couple is very happy. YAWN. I liked it better when Ben was gambling away his savings and showing up wasted to interviews. The good ole' days. Now he's directing movies and being domestic. Boring.

If it's a boy this time around I think they should name it Vaughn. Heh.

Emmy nominations - Blergh!

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled that Steve and Rainn and Alec and Tina and Lee and Kristin and Amy and Will and Jean and Christina and Neil were nominated. And The Office and 30 Rock and Lost were given their due.

But, where are my Friday Night Lights nominations? I defy anyone to explain to me (using logic and reason) why Kyle Chandler and Connie Britton were not nominated! Why wasn't Pushing Daisies given a Best Comedy nom? Two and a Half Men? Really?

John Krasinski, where is your nomination? Did The Piv take it again? John did outstanding work on a shortened season of The Office. After his poorly-chosen submission for last year's Emmy's, I was sure he would get a nomination this year with an episode entitled 'Branch Wars.' You remember it, don't you? When Michael and Dwight kidnap Jim and force him to go to the Utica branch to see ex-girlfriend, Karen, in hopes of keeping her from luring Stanley out of Scranton. That episode. John was funny, flustered, overwhelmed, and displayed a mean Irish brogue at the end. Emmy voters, you suck!

And so help me, if Seacrest wins 'Outstanding Host, Reality Series,' it will get ugly. Team Heidi (Klum, not Montag)!

You're out!

And since I'm talking about Project Runway, or P. Run, as some people like to call it, you know I mean "Out of the closet."

I have just heard from one of my sources that Austin Scarlett makes an appearance on tonight's Season 5 premiere episode. You remember, Austin, don't you? He was a Season 1 contestant that looked strangely like a mannequin. And I don't mean the movie with Kim Cattrell!

Anyway, I can't wait to see what whack jobs are on this final season on Bravo. Next season will start a run on Lifetime. I demand that Bea Arthur be a judge when that happens, by the way!

Enjoy the magnificence of Tim Gunn, the beauty of Heidi Klum, the bitchiness of Nina Garcia, and the dark blazer of Michael Kors tonight at 9pm.

Auf Wiedersehen!

Tranny going to jail

Khloe Kardashian is going to jail. And not for her hideous wardrobe, either!

The Chynna look-a-like was sentenced up to 30 days in LA County jail because she violated her probation following a DUI arrest. Dumb ass didn't complete her community service or enroll in alcohol education classes.

Well, who has time for that when there is a (staged) reality show to film?

Here's hoping she makes life-long friends and learns the latest in tranny fashion while behind bars. I'm sure Kim will pick her tightest outfit and visit her sister on a Very Special Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Knox me over with a feather

Thank you! I'll be here all week!

Angie gave birth to a boy and a girl on Saturday. That makes it six children in total, and I think it's safe to say that unless she and Brad are robots (and, they might be), they should both start looking beyond beat over the next several months. Seriously, I want to see Angie photographed with dark circles and bad hair, dammit!

So, anyway, they named their son Knox Leon. I sort of want to call Social Services, but I assume they would just laugh at me. BUT, COME ON! What the hell? At least their daughter has a more refined name: Vivienne Marcheline (Marcheline was Angie's mom's name).

Now, I didn't expect the boy to be named Jon, even though Angie has opened the lines of communication with her father after a long estrangement. Still, Knox? I guess if we can have an Apple, we can have a Knox. How hilarious would it be if they ended up together? Would Apple leave Knox for Pilot Inspektor? I smell a WB series about famous Hollywood children.

Congrats to the happy family.

Next up: Gwen Stefani. Some are speculating that she may also be carrying twins because she is so huge. Rude! Maybe it's just gas.

My invite was lost in the mail, I'm sure

Uh, Bono. We need to talk. STAT. I've spent a lot of money on cds, posters, and concert tickets over the years. I've hauled ass to see you in arenas and stadiums, sometimes having to stand on folding chairs and mentally curse the tall a**holes in front of me.

I've helped to pay for the mansion you invited Brad to. And now I want a tour!

So, Humanitarian, Activist, and all-around Ego maniacal Mad Man, Bono, invited Brad, Pax, and Robert De Niro and his brood to his mansion in Eze. I would have carpooled! Or walked. I can walk. Just make sure you have a cocktail and some chips and dip waiting for me when I get there. Some guacamole, too.

After a few days of visiting Angie in the hospital, you know Brad wanted some fresh air. I hear pregnancy hormones are a nightmare, and Angie looks like she would pull a knife on someone if the mood were to strike.

She's got crazy eyes.

Just call her 'Earl'

Maddie doesn't want karma kicking her ass because of this whole A-Rod mess, so the too-skinny pop icon has extended a hand to Britney. The girl-with-bad-weaves will tape a video segment to be used in Maddie's Sticky & Sweet Tour.

I'm sure it will be epic.

Brit got her weave did and reported for work at 9am this morning in West Hollywood. What a big girl! She showed up for a job! How novel.

I can't wait for all of my readers to write in and tell me what the video segment was and how much they loved/hated it. All of you out there, write a review of the show as soon as you see it!!! All of you.

Uh, yeah.

Drew and Warren P. Cheswick split

I loved Justin Long on Ed. I loved that show so much. Great cast. Justin was a riot as Warren.

He and Ms. Barrymore met on the set of He's Just Not That Into You last year, and quickly began smooching on each other. They were photographed everywhere and seemed to really be crazy for each other (they also seemed really high most of the time, but maybe that is just me).

Since the movie was pushed back to February of '09, that might be an awkward premiere red carpet. Of course, getting pushed back to February most likely means the movie blows, so I'm sure it would be awkward anyway.

Best of luck to both with future relationships!

Just call me Friday

Do you know why?

Because Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban named their daughter Sunday, and I want to compete! Everything in life is a competition, after all.

Sunday Rose Kidman was born....wait for it....on a Monday. Today. This Monday. So, it makes sense for her to be named Sunday. Like, never.

Is Botox to blame for this name? Has it permanently paralyzed Nic's forehead AND BRAIN? Or was this Keith's suggestion after hitting the bottle? Maybe he thought today was Sunday? The whole thing stinks of shady.

You know what else stinks? NY subway stations in the summer. But, I did meet Stephen Pasquale from Rescue Me on Saturday, so I don't care about the stink of summer in NY! Stephen is cute, and cute trumps stink.

Most of the time.

My apologies

I haven't updated in days and I know I have let you down. I am so sorry.

HA! No I'm not. Get your own news, bitches!

Seriously, my lack of updates is not a direct result of Jamie Lynn giving birth. Zoey 101 is a mom now and I have come to terms with that. The real reason I haven't updated lately is because I am getting ready for my trip to Cali on Saturday, and I am gearing up for the live blogging I will be doing from the Hancock premiere.

If that were true, I'm sure there would be a lot of posts complaining about how I can't see because I'm short and how annoying Will Smith is in front of a crowd. I would also be wondering aloud if DJ Jazzy Jeff was invited, and if not, what is the story behind their feud?

I am leaving for Hollywood on Saturday, and I hope to have many celebrity sightings. The SAG strike will most likely start on Monday, and if I have to march with a picket sign in order to hold meet-n-greets with celebrities, than so be it.

Long live SAG! But if this strike prevents my favorite shows from starting on time in the Fall, than I'll have to bash a few heads. Even those of my fake tv boyfriends.

But while I have a minute, I just want to wish Heather Locklear well while she gets some help for anxiety and depression. Yes, it is Denise and Richie's fault.

I also want to remind you, my loyal reader(s), to watch My Life on the D-List Thursdays at 10:00 on Bravo. Kathy Griffin is, and always will be, the funniest woman alive. I believe this week she explores Gayhem, which is what you get when you mix Gays and Mayhem. Fabulous!

Jamie Lynn gives birth to future stripper

And her name is Maddie Briann.

Congrats to all!

AC Slater is not hot

You hear me, People Magazine?!?!?!?

Ewwwww.

Crackheads at the mag named Mario Lopez the Hottest Bachelor of 2008. I bet Karina Smirnoff begs to differ!

I'm sorry, but Mario is nasty. Not physically (I guess) but HE CHEATS ON EVERY WOMEN HE DATES. Oh, and marries. Remember Ali Landry of Dorito commercial and Felicity fame? She played Noel's wife when he went through his Leon phase. Well, he cheated on her at his bachelor party and the poor thing didn't find out until after they were married. Annulment, thy name is Landry.

He's gross.

Fast forward to Season 3 of Dancing with the Stars, when he was paired with Karina Smirnoff (she of the perpetual bitch face). They cha cha'd their way to love and moved in together. Then, turns out, he was cheating on her with a waitress from Hooter's for almost a year. Classy!

I hope some rabid dog bites his dimples off.

Too harsh?

Besides, we all know that my secret boyfriend, John Krasinski, is the Hottest Bachelor of 2008. He just needs to shave that beard and drop Jonesy.

Amy Winehouse prediction

I'm going out on a limb (my own, which are much more sturdy than Amy's toothpick arms and legs) and saying that she will not live to see the end of the year.

She's a train wreck and refuses to get help.

She fainted on Monday and had to be taken to the hospital. Tests were performed (do you know your name? what year is this? can you stand up on your own? what is the most you have ever paid for crack? etc.) and she was seen leaving with her father, Mitch, this morning.

Amy's days are numbered. I bet Miss Cleo would back me up on this.

R. Kelly proves that "celebrity" = "acquittal"

R. Kelly was found "not guilty" and acquitted of all 14 counts of child pornography stemming from his now infamous sex tape.

Hide your underage daughters, America!

Money talks and R's said "Keep me out of jail so I can continue to make horrible music and terrifying music videos."

Damn you, money!

Izzy is an ingrate

Well, Ms. Katherine Heigl knows how to get attention, doesn't she? And not just for marrying a fugly singer.

The actress, who won a Best Supporting Actress Emmy last year for her role on Grey's Anatomy, is bowing out of contention for this year's award. She released a statement yesterday, saying, "I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the Academy organization, I withdrew my name from contention."

*SMACK* to Shonda Rhimes and the rest of the writing staff on the show.

I mean, there is being gracious, but there is also being a bitch. If she really thought her role was such ass, just don't submit a tape. No need for a statement as to why. Do you think people are on pins and needles waiting to see what you were going to submit? Someone needs a dose of reality, STAT.

What an idiot.

Dr. Drew will have his hands full

Season 2 of Celebrity Rehab began filming yesterday and I cannot wait to see it.

Sadly, it will not be airing until October. Oh, the drama.

Jeff Conaway is back for another stint. Is he still with Enabler Vicki? She is as messed up as Jeff but in a lot more denial. I hope Dr. Drew can find a way to keep her ass off the show. She is ripe with stank and co-dependency issues. Kenickie can't get better with you around, Vicki! Where's Rizzo? I thought Travolta was trying to help with Scientology. Maybe even Jeff, as addicted as they come, was like, "Oh, hell no! Keep L. Ron and the aliens away from me. John, are you gay? And pass the pills!"

Other addicts on the new season include Sebastian Bach, from Skid Row. I think we can blame years on Gilmore Girls for this. Amy Sherman-Palladino almost drove me to drugs with Luke's long lost daughter and the return of Christopher. I feel your pain, Bach.

Let's see.....Heidi Fleiss reportedly dropped out. Probably realized she couldn't pimp out Tawny Kitaen and split. Remember Tawny from the Whitesnake videos? And I thought I had big hair in the 80s! In 2005, Tawny apparently gained super-strength from drugs and beat the crap out of her husband, former MLB pitcher Chuck Finley, with her shoe. Maybe she never got over David Coverdale.

Rounding out the patients will be former Guns N' Roses drummer Steven Adler, Rod Stewart's son, Sean, Amber Smith (who I had to look up because I had never heard of her....she was the Wonderbra model), Season 1 American Idol contestant Nikki McKibbin, Aaron Carter, and Rodney King. Yes, that Rodney King.

I hope Dr. Drew has gotten plenty of rest and taken his vitamins. Love you, Drew!

D is for Divorce

And also for the word "Do." Now, if you add the word "It" after "Do," you have my message to Madonna and Guy. Enough with the rumors and denials and awkward body language at premieres and restaurants. Just get divorced and go your separate ways.

The rumor today is that Maddie has contacted Paul McCartney's attorney and wants to kick Guy to the curb and move to New York (with her kids, I assume, but who knows?). Madge's publicist denied this rumor, insisting they are as happy as Madonna was with Sean...or Warren Beatty...or Carlos Leon...or Dennis Rodman. My goodness, she has strange taste in men. And is the verdict still out on Carlos? Wasn't he really just a sperm donor? I pick up a vibe from him more in line with Seacrest.

What does Lourdes have to say about this? Does she side with the nanny who has really been raising her all this time? Or was it a drag queen that used to be one of mommy's tour dancers? That would probably be fun. I bet Lourdes has a drag name. What are her feelings on Rocco and David? I wonder if she heard about Maddie wanting to adopt little David and rolled her eyes? I could see it. Maybe spit out "Angelina wannabe" under her breath. Mmmm hmmm. I can tell by looking at her that she has sass for days.

Let's hope there wasn't a prenup for Guy's sake. You know he blew through that Swept Away money. Oh, wait. Did that make any money? AT ALL?

The Alba graces the world with Honor

Not feeling the name, but they didn't ask me, did they? Rude!

Jessica Alba popped out little Honor Marie Warren on Saturday in Los Angeles. It is the first child for Jessica and her husband, Cash Warren.

My sister reminded me that Honor was the name of Logan's extremely annoying sister on Gilmore Girls. UGH! How could I forget?

I hope this child is not nearly as annoying, but with those two for parents, the odds are not in her favor.

Uh....congrats to the happy family!

Johnny can recognize a mess when he sees one

So, Johnny Depp surprised the crowd at the incredibly lame MTV Movie Awards on Sunday night by showing up. At least I think people were surprised because there was a lot of hooting and hollering when he got on stage. Diablo Cody was in the audience and clutched at her heart. Honest to blog!

Remember when this show was cool? Was I in high school? Probably. I used to think perming my hair was a good idea, so what do I know?

Anyway, Johnny won two awards....uh....oh, Best Comedic Performance for one of the Pirate movies...and one for....hmmmm....oh, okay, Best Villian for Sweeney Todd, which a friend just bought Friday night (a drunk friend that got wasted and drove through the streets of Los Angeles like he was Dr. Jack Shepherd with a death wish). Mess!

But, he was not the mess Johnny saw at the Movie Awards. That coveted title went to Lindsay "I'll try being a lesbian for fun" Lohan. Johnny reportedly offered Lindsay a stay at his private island in the Caribbean. Was Johnny high when making this offer? Maybe he's just looking for some good weed and figures Linds will be packing wherever she goes. Johnny, I see through your outreach program!

Well, I hope Lindsay takes him up on the offer and ends up moving there with Samantha Ronson so I don't have to read about them anymore. Linds can dance in a cage on the beach while Samantha DJs. Or they can hold movie nights at the beach every Wednesday and alternate between Mean Girls and The Parent Trap. Oh, Linds. You had so much potential.

Let's blame the writer's strike!

If only the strike hadn't pushed back the new season of Rescue Me, Tatum O'Neal wouldn't have needed to hit the pipe. Mmmm.....party!

The delusional and dysfunctional Ms. O'Neal was busted for attempting to buy crack cocaine from a panhandler near her Lower East Side apartment Sunday night. Don't judge! Maybe it's how she gets through an episode of Denise Richards: It's Complicated. I know I want to take drugs after seeing a 30 second promo. My gosh, is she a dumb ho. Team Charlie!

Actually, Team Martin Sheen! Save your grandchildren!!!

Oh, Tatum. Get it together.

I hear the Cirque Lodge does wonders. A friend of mine is going there soon.

Hold on to your asses, Armageddon is around the corner

You want proof?

Gayken is going to be a dad. Yes, that Gayken. Claymates everywhere must have the vapors. Fetch the smelling salts!

Now, before you throw up your breakfast, know that our favorite Closet Case donated his own little Claymates for some artificial insemination. Remember, this boy hates va jay jay.

The mom will be Clay's bestest hetero and record producer, Jaymes Foster (sister of David Foster). It's like Will and Grace if they decided to have a child together afterall. How sweet! Cue the soundtrack to Funny Girl or any Cher concert ever. Get those jazz hands ready!

Well, good for Gayken. I'm sure he'll make a fabulous father. Expect a lot of glitter-covered newborn onesies and matching booties. Can't wait!

Why does Michael Patrick King hate me?

I rented the dvds of Sex and the City, dammit!

I put up with the whining and horrendous outfits and the whining and SJP and the whining and Mr. Big. Did I mention the whining?

I overlooked Carrie and her skinny ass screwing Aidan over not once BUT TWICE, and going off to live in Paris with a skeleton masquerading as Mikhail Baryshnikov, only to end up in the arms of the emotionally abusive Mr. Big. I put up with Charlotte and her pearls and Miranda and her bitchiness and Samantha and her nudity. All for what?

So that years later, when the series makes it to the big screen, Michael Patrick King can subject me to 145 minutes of these 4 bitches and their Manolo's and Jimmy Choo's? I could barely get through 30 minutes of this show when it was on. I'll need a pitcher of Cosmos and a Valium to make it past the first hour.

In all honesty, I never considered myself a fan of the show. I tried. I watched the episodes and occasionally laughed. Occasionally I felt sympathy for the characters. I even cried (CRIED!) when Miranda's mom passed away. (That episode, "My Motherboard, My Self" is wonderful and the scene when Samantha mouths "I'm sorry" to Miranda at the funeral is very touching). But, I never felt the liberation watching this show that so many claimed was part of it's groundbreaking achievement. Yes, the women talked about sex, and everyone but SJP showed their business during the course of the series, but so what? None of them were characters I would want to be friends with and I often found it unbelievable that anyone would want to be in a relationship with them.

I guess the biggest problem for me was SJP's Carrie Bradshaw. Carrie was self-absorbed, bad with money, full of puns, and lacking in fashion sense. She was a nightmare. To the credit of the writers, they weren't afraid to show that. She wasn't perfect. None of them were. They all had flaws. I appreciated that. But I never really felt that Carrie grew as a character over the course of the series. She was a successful writer with a great apartment and close friends and parties to go to. She had a great life.

But not really. Because she didn't have Big. And that's what I felt was her fatal flaw and the flaw of the series.

Her relationships with men were awkward or funny but all were doomed because the guy wasn't Big. And Big was an ass! I'm sorry, but he was. I was so disappointed that they ended up together in the series finale. I never liked the guy. He was manipulative and a user. He only wanted Carrie when she was happy with someone else. He was stank! HATED him. For real.

Oh, but he was quippy! And rich! And had a driver! GAG. Who cares? Stank is stank and it can't hide behind expensive sunglasses or pricey suits. If anything, I feel that Carrie settled for a guy that treated her badly because she was in LOVE. Great message! I feel liberated.

Thank you and goodnight!

But seriously, couldn't this movie have been 90 minutes at most. Blergh!

And one more thing: I find it odd that the last premiere for this film was in NYC. I mean, throughout the series, everyone involved in the show claimed that NY was the 5th cast member.

Maybe NY was holding out for more money.

Jim Halpert and I are getting married

Well, he wasn't engaged to Pam last I checked, so I'm calling dibs.

Fine. Pam can have Jim. But I'm taking Krasinski! And hostages if need be. Consider yourself warned!

Friday night, Mr. Krasinski was filming scenes for his movie Farlanders in Stamford at Remo's Restaurant. Guess who drove her ass downtown on a Friday night, paid $3 for parking at the Majestic, and walked over to the Ferguson Library in flip flops that hurt her feet? Uh....some poor loser. I forget her name. But her hair looked great!

Let me tell you, there are some ugly people in Stamford. I'm sorry, but there are. And scary. By 8:30, I saw three drunk men who had probably been drinking since 10:00 that morning. And they were in at least their mid-40s. Classy. I should have asked if they were single. What catches!

So, I sit on uncomfortable stone steps and people watch while hoping to catch a glimpse of John...for close to 2 hours. Say what? Yes, I have no life. I admit it! Don't judge me! The weather was nice and I had just painted my toes a lovely crimson. I was ready to be seen.

John was obviously taken by the Liz Lemon look-a-like sitting across the street, because when he came out of the restaurant, I could tell he was smitten. He played it cool by not looking at me, but as he got into the car that had pulled up for him, I heard him scream "I love you!" Or "I still have a restraining order!" It was hard to hear as Stamford's Hip Hop community decided to roll down Bedford Street at that exact moment.

Oh, John. So coy.

I want a Fall wedding, by the way.

Grey'zzzzzzzz

Since The Office is done for the season, I watched the Grey's Anatomy finale last night. Big mistake. That show is awful. I mean, every single character is an a-hole and acts like they are in middle school. (No offense to you middle schoolers who are not reading this site!).

I used to love this show. I have the first 2 seasons on dvd. Or just the first season. I forget. That's how long it's been since I've pulled those dvds out. I mean, Meredith was always an annoying twit, but Patrick Dempsey more than made up for it. My gosh, Ronald Miller is all growns up and looking good. And the storylines were interesting and the characters didn't "dance it out" or whine every single minute of the day while patients around them died from lack of attention. Or something.

Anyway, I gave up on the show after they split Derek and Meredith up for the umpteenth time last season. That crap gets old. And fast. I gave up on Gilmore Girls when they pulled that nonsense, too. Don't mess with my ships, showrunners! And, yes, that is now pointed at you, Greg Daniels.

So, anyway, Grey's is a hot mess. Like, brick oven pizza hot mess. And when Derek and Meredith kissed at 10:57, I felt nothing. I did think the lighting was good, but I was too bored to even look for tongue(which I definitely think there was during the first two seasons). Oh, show. I should have left and never looked back.

On a lighter note, John Krasinski is filming in Stamford today. I feel like today might be the day for me to walk to Dairy Queen, buy a Heath Bar blizzard, find a bench, and wait. And wait. And wait. The weather is nice. I have good sunglasses. I like my shoes.

Fingers crossed!

Bow down to the Yamaguchi

Little Kristy won the mirror ball last night on Dancing with the Stars, becoming the first woman since bitchy Kelly Monaco to win the title. Good for you, Kristy!

I didn't watch the first season of the show when it was down to Kelly and J. Peterman, himself, John O'Hurley. I do remember my mother raging when Kelly won. Good gracious, you would have thought someone took The Nanny out of syndication, she was so pissed off. Other fans were also outraged, so they held Dancing with the Stars: Dance-off, and O'Hurley won. You know Monaco is a sore loser, so I'm sure things on the General Hospital set were icy for at least a month.

That was then and this is now. Season six of the show saw Kristy clearly impressing the judges right from the start. She and partner Mark Ballas were the highest scoring couple in the history of the show, and brought their A-game each week. Score one for the shorties!

Runner up was football player Jason Taylor, who, in addition to being hot, was extremely charming and gracious. His partner was Edyta Sliwinsksa, making her way to the Finals for the first time. In addition to having no body fat, Edyta is known for wearing some of the skimpiest outfits in the history of dance competitions. Seeing her is my motivation to eat more ice cream, as it really is a losing cause to try to get my hip bones that pointy. Pass the New York Super Fudge Chunk!

Can't wait to see what D-Listers and sports figures tie up their dance shoes for Season 7. Shannen Doherty should totally do it if she isn't going to get her ass on the new 90210. I bet she would cut someone if she didn't get a good score. She'll hide a knife in her bra if need be. Oh, the drama!

Boo hoo

Somebody needs a reality check. Her name? Gwyneth Paltrow.

While promoting her new film Two Lovers in Cannes, the Oscar winner(still think that is a joke) whined about how Hollywood forgot about her after she had her children. She went on to say that "I definitely knew I had lost my place."

Could it have anything to do with the fact that you moved to London? Perhaps people got tired of your holier-than-thou act? I seem to recall Julianne Moore working even after she had children. Let's see....who else....Kate Winslet, Tina Fey, Laura Dern, Cate Blanchett, and Jennifer Garner(added begrudgingly!)all found work after having children. All are in their 30s and getting consistent work in film, theater, and television.

You dug your own grave, Paltrow. You started giving interviews where you acted above it all, talked about how you'd rather live in London, became friends with Madonna, called Angie a "Heinous bitch" and Brad "Really ugly." Fine, I made the last part up, but I'm sure you had those thoughts run through your mind as you watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith on dvd. Perhaps even thinking back to a simpler time when your head was in a box in Seven. I know I loved it!

So, find that cotton candy pink frock you won your Oscar in and recreate that night in your life. It's all you are getting!

Send in the rainbows

Looks like Mariah and Nick Carey will be having a big blowout of a wedding in NYC in the next few weeks. An "insider" claims that it will be on the same scale as Liza and David Gest's wedding. Wonder if it will end the same way? I can see bitch fights going down in Mimi's walk-in closet, even though Nick isn't gay.

The "insider" goes on to say the budget will probably be around 4 million and Mimi will have at least 14 bridesmaids. Say what???? You know Da Brat will be there in something rough and tumble, but who else would stand up for Mimi? Her dog? That makes 2. She's a Diva, afterall. They have servants, not friends. Maybe she'll have some trannies made up to look like her.

On a separate note, who is this "insider?" How do I apply to become an "insider?" I need to know fast, because I have the scheduled due date of one Mrs. Mary Kennedy-Hall and I need to make some money. Mama's gotta eat! The paps better be willing to pay a pretty penny for this Grade A scoop. Where's Adnan?

What a week!

Jen Celotta and Paul Lieberstein, feel my wrath! They are the two writers responsible for The Office finale last night. They are also responsible for my crankiness today. Andy and Angela get engaged, but not Jim and Pam? *smack* Just, no.

That, combined with the Yankees playing like ass, will make this a long summer. HATE!

On a lighter note, Ellen and Portia are getting married now that Cali has decided to recognize gays and lesbians as human beings. With rights! Go figure. Good luck to all of the same-sex couples who will rush to tie the knot and then be as miserable as straights all over the world. Get a pre-nup!

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson will be marrying this weekend. Zzzzzzz......

Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty are sharing crack and poor fashion sense in London. Lock your doors and draw the curtains, Brits! It ain't pretty.

Mariah is still married to Nick Cannon.

Jim and Pam are still not engaged.

Angie and Brad caused a stir on the Kung Fu Panda red carpet. I've never been a big Angie fan, but she tore up the carpet with those twins. Easy, pervs. I meant the twins she is carrying in her stomach, not on her chest. Although, let's be honest, those chest twins are huge. Those kids will not starve. BRAD LOOKED AMAZING, by the way. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

Brad's ex, Ms. Aniston, is hanging with John Mayer and sitting backstage at his concerts. What a groupie!

Still haven't seen John Krasinski, although he has been filming in CT for weeks. Weeks! No, it's fine! Really.

I need a nap.

And two more make....too many

Two posts in one day? Do I think I'm a professional? No, I don't.

But, when the Angelina half of Brangelina admits that she is having twins, it's news. Right? Right? Anyone?

This was speculated months ago. I guess Jack Black slipped up during an interview for their new movie, Kung Fu Panda, and admitted that the former Mrs. Miller and Mrs. Thornton is having two more of Brad's children. Ange had to confirm.

Hope Jack doesn't end up face down in the water at one of the private beaches in Cannes.

Six kids in total? Sounds exhausting. Good thing they are rich beyond belief and can hire help. I would allow someone else to raise them once they started to talk, but that's just me.

Best of luck to the happy couple!

Jump!

Jonah Hill is in negotiations to develop a movie version of 21 Jump Street. You remember Jump Street, right? Two words: Johnny Depp. Two more: Holly Robinson. Please, she was annoying. Will Richard Grieco try to get in on this? You know "The Poor Man's Johnny" needs some work. And those DeLuise boys are always looking for fresh ways to annoy.

I guess there really are no original ideas in Hollywood anymore. I mean, 90210 is coming back, complete with Jennie Garth! Tory is in talks to join the cast as well. Someone hit up Shannen, please. Have her sport some bangs and bitch face and you'll have it made, CW. Duh!

No word yet on whether Jonah will star in the film, but he will be writing the screenplay and serving as Executive Producer. All at the tender age of 25.

No, I'm not jealous. Why do you ask?

Off to fill the fax machine with paper. Yippee!

The Hills finale

That was a finale? YAWN!

On with the recap:

I'm going to start off my last recap of the season with a disclaimer. As my older brother called me right at 10:00 to talk about the previous two hours of television heaven, AKA the CW's killer combo of Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill, I missed some of the beginning of Hills. This probably isn't very surprising, but I found I can have a phone conversation and still follow the intricate plot points of the show at the same time. So without any further interruption (unless my brother calls again to talk about Lisa Loeb's GG appearance tonight), the Hills finale recap can begin.

Seeing Heidi traipse through the Sahara in Vegas brings back many memories as I stayed there a few summers ago. I remember laying out at that pool, and getting denied a free drink at the bar because I left my ID up in the room. I also remember my dad calling me from the slot machines at 5 AM asking me to collect his thousands of dollars in winnings. But that's really for another time.

Why would Stephanie subject herself to a car ride from LA to Vegas with Spencer? That must've been a long, annoying trip through the desert.

Looks like another one of the girls has to choose between work and a boy. We all saw how Lauren's decision to pick Jason worked out for her that fateful summer. Will Heidi follow in her footsteps?

Lauren's really holding onto that braid hairstyle for dear life, huh?

For anyone who nearly peed their pants watching the commercial for the movie The Strangers, you're not alone. Spooky.

Heidi, obviously, is a dumb ass. I'm not saying that Brent Bolthouse and his creepy business partner are a huge draw, but raggedy beard Spencer is just...wrong.

I guess Lauren and Audrina's disintegrating friendship is this season's cliffhanger. Eh. I do feel bad, especially when Lauren's tears start flowing. But it just isn't as thrilling as the finales of Hills past.

I know there's an aftershow on at 11, but if you've read any of these recaps you know my feelings about such events. If anyone has any good dish from watching, share with the group. Until next season, make sure to read the 1,000 Us Weekly articles written about the Hills girls to keep your addiction going strong. As always, thanks for reading!

*Here's some scoop: Speidi was denied at the door! Lauren bitch-faced her way to ensuring they would not be allowed into the after party. I'm sure to console themselves they hit up that Mexican restaurant they love so much.*

Happy Birthday, Bono

I had some ice cream in your honor.

Tell Larry I said "hi."

Keep the ticket prices down on the next tour. I don't have disposable income, Lucky Charms!

All the best to you.

Babs vs. Starzilla

It is ON, bitches!

Barbara Walters is airing her dirty laundry about Star Jones in her memior, Audition. She admits that Star asked her co-hosts to lie about how she lost all that weight when Star decided not to share the truth with the public. Barbara, honey, nobody believed it was from Pilates and eating vegetables. We could all imagine that Big Gay Al drove Star to her gastric bypass surgery after she bought him a speedo at Boys-R-Us.

I mean, really.

We get it, Babs. You kept her secret. No biggie. I keep the secret that I know one Mrs. Mary Kennedy-Hall because I don't want the paparazzi hounding me, or People begging me to talk Mary and her husband into giving them the exclusive first photos of their 2nd child. I will, however, give an interview to the more reputable OK! or The Enquirer. Call me!

Uh, yeah. So, Star is not having any of Barbara's confessions. She gave an interview to Us where she responded by saying, "It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters in the sunset of her life is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book." Retract those claws and find yourself a new gay on Fire Island, Star. Babs will have you cut up and dumped into the Pacific!

I do like how she manages to throw in the word "icon" and the phrase "sunset of her life." Translation: You are an old, well-known bitch and I hate you and your multiple facelifts!"

Please. You know Babs has had work done, too. Which actually makes her confession about Star all the more ridiculous.

Mingling Moms need to lay off the crack pipe

That is the organization that named Dina Lohan one of Long Island's Top 20 Moms.

What now?

Dina Lohan? For real? Ummm.....raised her children in an unstable environment with equally off-his-rocker father. Check! Burned through Lindsay's The Parent Trap money. Check! Turned a blind eye when Lindsay began drinking/drugging/wearing hideous outfits/tearing up lawns while driving drunk/hanging with Samantha Ronson/ignoring an intervention by Tina Fey and other SNL cast members. Check! Believes she is someone with intelligent ideas that deserves her own talk show. Check! Loves to fake bake. Check! Is willing to pimp out other children for reality show on E! Check!

Yeah, good one, Mingling Moms. Go back to huffing during a diaper change at your next meeting.

Asses.

Round up and The Hills

I've been busy trying to find John Krasinski while he films a movie in CT, so I haven't had time to update. Stalking is a full-time job, afterall. Here is a quick round up of some recent Hollywood haps:

Maria and Nick Cannon did marry. No prenup, but I'm sure it will last until Mariah decides to look for rainbows by herself.

Scarlett J. and Ryan Reynolds are engaged. Alanis must be pissed!

Star Jones and Dwayne Wade are "just friends." I'm "just suspicious."

The Office's Angela Kinsey had a baby girl on Saturday.


And now, on to The Hills recap, entitled "Why Lo, why?"

Even though I'm still partially scarred from seeing the outfits Heidi and Spencer wore to this past weekend's Kentucky Derby, I'm going to man up and discuss all the happenings of tonight's episode anyway.

Brent Bolthouse's eyebrows deserve their own show. They'd become stars!

Lo better put on those aviators before she graces us with another one of her stank looks. That wasn't pretty.

How long will we have to wait before Audrina and Lo come to blows? If Lo and Lauren would've stuck around longer than two seconds, the recording studio equipment wouldn't have been safe during the ensuing brawl.

Stephanie has to be related to the Oompa Loompas. Her face is a bad shade of orange...not like there's a good shade.

Audrina looks so sad during this ep. But she kind of always has those droopy eyes, regardless of emotion.

In a nod to 8 year old brothers everywhere, Spencer pulls out the "I'm gonna make annoying sounds over and over again while my sister is talking in an attempt to drown out her voice and make her stop talking" move. That's always cool.

It's time for this week's session with Dr. Justin Bobby. He probably got his PhD at Scruff University.

I think I should hit up Bolthouse for a job. I'm pretty sure I can do a better job than Heidi, doing whatever it is that she does. After all this time I still can't really figure it out.

Is everyone ready for next week's finale? Will something big happen? Or will the season just fizzle out? I'll be here to find out regardless. Thanks for reading!

Mimi, is that a Hand Me Down ring on your finger?

Oh, Lambs. If this is true, someone is going to get a stiletto in the eye.

Reports have surfaced that Mariah is engaged to Nick Cannon. Who? Please, you know you saw Drum Line. Or Roll Bounce. Maybe? No? How about All That on Nickelodeon? Whatever! He's a boy. And he's marrying Mariah.

He's a dumb boy.

Not only for proposing, but for giving Mariah the same ring he gave his first fiance. Snap! Mimi will be pissed if this turns out to be true. I mean, I can see that maybe his career isn't allowing him to buy multiple rings for his multiple fiances, but this is Mimi, bitch! She'll lock you in her walk-in closet and make you organize her shoe collection. And that is just the start! Imagine how many times he'll have to watch Glitter while keeping a straight face.

Oh, Nick. Should have opted for a payment plan at Kay Jewelers.

UPDATE: Latina magazine is reporting that Mimi and Nick married yesterday on an island. Lost island? I don't think Ben would have patience for her antics. Or her multiple suitcases. Where's the smoke monster when you need it?

Jamie Lynn to pop out a girl

Let's hope she doesn't take after Aunt Brit Brit.

Life & Style is reporting that Zoey 101 herself, Jamie Lynn Spears, is having a girl and is due on Mary Kennedy-Hall's birthday, June 29th. Officer Trudy Lange shares her special day with no one! Induce labor if need be, because Trudy has a prop gun and isn't afraid to use it! (Hmm....conflicting reports have it as June 28th...time will tell).

Best of luck to the young mother and her boyfriend, Casey Aldridge. Best of luck to me to keep sane after realizing that I didn't need to look up his last name. Seriously, it is sad that I know this guy's name.

I'm going to go drown my sorrows in Red Bull and Cheetos. Later, y'all!

Brace yourself for The Hills

Thanks to recapper, Jessica, who will be blessed with a visit from our father this weekend. If you are in the Baltimore area, expect to hear raised voices at various times. Also, stay away from car dealerships, as no one is safe when Mike is wheeling and dealing.

And don't let her fool you, she LOVES Danity Kane.

Technical glitches are not bogging us down this week, so, without further ado, here is your weekly dose of "reality" from LC and the gang:

This episode of The Hills starts by making me feel inferior since there's a 90% chance that I'll never in my life live in a house as nice as the one the girls are moving into. Jealousy! I like how Lauren and Lo banish Audrina to the guest house immediately. Yeah they have a guest house. Even more jealousy! It's like '"we want to live with you...as long as you sleep on the other side of the backyard."

Excuse me, I believe Lo ordered a LARGE cappuccino.

How many times can Spencer and his sis have the same conversation about family loyalty? Yawnfest 2008.

All this talk of Stephen showing his face is bringing Hilary Duff's sweet tunes to mind. Let the rain fall down......

Even though I'm not a huge fan of the song, I totally know all the words to the Danity Kane single that brings us back from the commercial break. Diddy has done it yet again.

I love to picture Brody wandering the aisles of Bed Bath & Beyond looking for that perfect housewarming present. Actually, his "manager" Frankie probably got it from some cheesy event and they just re-gifted it.

At the party, Justin Bobby looks like a runaway Mad Max extra.

Look at Lauren showing all kinds of leg for her "date" with Stephen. She definitely thinks it a date, but does he?

I can't shake the feeling that Stephen will say goodnight to Lauren and then call Kristin on his cell phone as he drives away to ask her to hang out. I guess I'm just stuck in a Laguna state of mind.

As a final note, what is this awful show The Paper that comes on after Hills? I guess it follows a high school paper and the drama that ensues. I'm not really sure. Regardless, is this the best MTV could come up with???

Put some clothes on, Ms. Miley Cyrus

There is a big controversy brewing because of her Vanity Fair photo where she only has a sheet covering her breasts. Annie Leibovitz, please save us from this lazy photography in the future. Thanks, The Universe.

I'm so tired of this shot, or any shot of a young actress/singer/woman draped in a sheet with a come hither look on her face. Stop it, already. And stop taking 15-year-olds and turning them into Lolitas for the sake of a magazine. The only people you are making happy are the pervs that Chris Hanson is tirelessly trying to put behind bars. They love that crap.

You know what else I'm tired of? Children becoming celebrities and than having an identity crisis by the time they are teenagers. No one, regardless of level of talent, should be allowed to perform in their chosen profession until they are 18. Let them live their lives like everyone else and then work to achieve their dreams after high school. I did it and look how happy and well-adjusted I am!

Fine. I am a horrible example, but if letting young women live a normal life and keeping them out of the spotlight until they are adults keeps me from having to see pictures of them half-naked in Vanity Fair, it is worth it. You know how cranky I can be.

I mean, have we learned nothing from Jessica Biel and Britney Spears? Both wanted to shed their "good girl" image and ended up dating Justin. Well, there goes my argument. It's all Justin's fault.

Julia Roberts stinks

And not just because of that annoying laugh, or her friendship with Oprah, or her inability to give an interesting interview.

She stinks because she doesn't wear deoderant. For reals, yo. She claims "it's never been my thing." What the? With the what what?

Jules, everyone needs deoderant. I don't care if you think your sh** doesn't stink, your underarms do. I mean, really. And she has been known not to shave those underarms, so I can only imagine that she is ripe while filming a movie in the summer. I went to Emerson College and I know from ripe. Being liberal doesn't mean you don't have to bathe, people! Mixing soap and water while in the shower doesn't mean you support The Man! And dousing yourself with Patchouli oil doesn't cut it, either. You still stink. Now just of Patchouli oil.

Where was I?

Annoyed by Julia Roberts, right? Right. Just another Thursday in my life.

Truth and time will tell

Justin Bobby is right, y'all! I think. I don't know.

What I do know is that The Hills correspondent, Jessica, did write a recap for this past Monday's extravaganza. For whatever reason, it didn't get to me. Is technology on it's way out, as my father believes? Probably just a glitch in a budget system here at work.

Well, I retract (or redact, as Michael Scott would say) my heated words at recapper Jessica. Although, she does act stank a lot of the time. And likes to use ALL CAPS to illustrate that point.

Without further ado, here is a heaping helping of The Hills:


After missing last week's ep, it's good to be back. Let's get going...

How cute is Lauren's dress? Alot cuter than Whitney's unwashed hair. Whit doesn't look bad very often, so when she does it's very noticeable.

Oh Audrina, stop complaining that you don't have any clothes to wear out. We all know you barely wear any actual clothes when you get dressed anyway.

Meanwhile, as Heidi's busy picking out an outfit, she pulls out one atrocious article of clothing after another. Does she moonlight as a stripper? Is asking that insulting to strippers?

Don't actual celebrities go to Goa? I wonder how that works with having the MTV cams there to capture all the uncomfortable conversation going on between the Hills girls.

The only person that can up the uncomfortable factor is Zorro. Oh sorry, that's actually Justin Bobby. Nice hat there buddy.

Lo has a job?!? I can only imagine what she clocks in to do each day.

Justin Bobby keeps showing off his "scary eyes" at dinner with Audrina. You know what I'm talking about? Those looks are frightening. He looks possessed.

As Audrina talks about Heidi, it isn't very hard to imagine Lauren chucking that half of a grapefruit at her head.

I really don't think I can watch any more Speidi convo's. Someone make them stop the madness.

I smell a roommate throwdown brewing! Lo won't remember what day of the week is garbage pick-up. Audrina's dirty boys won't clean up after themselves. And Lauren will be too busy designing her fashion line to notice what's going on.

Next week we get some quality time with Stephen. (That's Ste-phen to all you Team Kristin members). I'm excited for a little Laguna throwback. See you then!

Someone is being stank

And her name is The Hills recapper, Jessica. Apparently she is too good for this little ole' blog. Where is my recap, Kimora Lee Simmons? Are you too busy with your fabulosity? Simmer down, sister, and get those fingers typing. I want to hear what I missed while finally watching Thursday's episode of Scrubs (which, btw, was hysterical. JD and Turk are so incredibly gay for each other and I hope that they come out in the finale, which will be on ABC next season. Recognize!).

Ahem.

So, while we wait with bated breath for the adventures of Justin Bobby, let us look at the fact that Ms. Paula Abdul wants to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars next season. Oh, good gracious. Pop a Vicodin and grab a Cosmo, because that would be one hot mess. I don't think Tom Bergeron is up for the challenge of having that loon on his stage. Can you imagine Samantha Harris trying to interview Paula after a performance? Her weave would be crooked and she'd have a handful of pills she'd be desperate to swallow. Appointment television, everyone!

Does this mean P.Ab is tired of Simon, Randy, and the Queen? Has she heard one too many "WTF is Paula on" jokes? She couldn't possibly do both shows, unless they space their seasons out. I think I will space out for a few minutes and think of the possibilities of Paula with Louie Van Amstel. Hot! Although, since Paula used to be a choreographer, wouldn't that give her an unfair advantage? Imagine the cat fights with Louie over whether to do a lift? I would want a live feed of those rehearsals.

Oh, the mind boggles.

L. Ron Hubbard allows Tom to take Katie out

Katie and Tom attended another birthday party for Vicki Beckham last night. We get it, Vicks! It's your birthday. Sheeesh. I hope she donated the gifts she received. Or, you know, maybe told people not to get her gifts. What could she possibly need? She doesn't eat, her husband is hot, her kids are adorable, she has way too much money....I'm getting annoyed. Back to Katie, STAT!

K.Ho wore a huge pair of sunglasses (at night). Was it an homage to Corey Hart? I used to love him. Wonder where he is...hmmmm....probably living a life of freedom that Katie can only daydream about.

The glasses remind me of the ones that older woman wore in the Old Navy ads years ago. Well, Katie is looking older than her years lately. Maybe Tom demands she wears them because the sunglasses he has make her look like a man. You never know what that closet case can afford to buy! He's got the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard on his side.

That ghost makes things happen. Scary things.

All hail Liz Lemon

Today is a snark-free day. These are rare around here.

I adore Tina Fey and love the photoshoot she did for Entertainment Weekly.

30 Rock airs tonight at 8:30 on NBC. Watch it, damnit!

Do drug addicts like ulimatums?

I don't. Of course, the only drug I'm addicted to is LIFE. HA!

But seriously, folks, it's time for Ms. Amy Winehouse to put down the pipe and hold on to her beehive. Her record label, Universal, said she needs to get it together or they will not be releasing her next record. Oh, S-N-A-P! How can she pay for crack without royalties?

Amy is currently working on the theme to the next James Bond film, Quantum of Solace with DJ Mark Ronson. Mark used to be engaged to my favorite comedic actress on the planet, Rashida Jones. Remember how funny she was on The Office when she...umm...when she did that thing...oh, right, SHE WAS NEVER FUNNY ON THE OFFICE. Enjoy Utica, Karen!

Best of luck to you, Amy. I know you are busy with the drugs, downing shots while holding babies, and visiting your Blake in the pokey, but find the time for some detox, girl. And get that skin condition under wraps. Nasty.

Try to pull yourselves together

The Hills recap is not here today, friends. Or friend. Who is reading this?

Anyway, recapper extraordinaire, Jessica, is living the life of a socialite in San Diego and couldn't get her lazy/drunk ass motivated enough to write a review while on vacation. Put down the cosmo and get thee to a laptop, diva! Recaps wait for no one!

Well, actually they do. I was watching the Yankee game and forget this mess was on. Besides, I just read that Justin Bobby is dragging his non-showered body back next week. That will be the episode to watch! Clear your calendar and shut off your phone! Then OD on whatever you have in the house because you know you will feel guilty for having watched that nastiness voluntarily. It's going to be a busy Monday.

Oh, also, Ashlee and Pete are denying reports that Ash is with child. Yawn. The real bump watch continues to be Nicki Kidman. She accompanied Keith to the Country Music Awards, and I LOOK MORE PREGNANT THAN SHE DOES. What the hell? Methinks something is not right in the Land of Pale Ex's of Tommy C.

Kathy, step away from the scrub

Kathy Griffin was seen shopping with Britney's ex, Adnan Ghalib, in Victoria's Secret. Ew. He looks like the kind of guy who would hang around the dressing rooms trying to sneak a peek.

I'm assuming this was either for her My Life on the D-List series, or for that lame-ass Ashton Kutcher show, Pop Fiction. I would hope Kathy would have the good sense not to hang with trash unless it was for a publicity stunt. Work that camera, girl!

I love Kathy. She really can do no wrong. Sure, she is a Celine Dion fan, but I look the other way and blast U2 so I don't have to think about it too hard. I mean, she is a gay icon and Celine is a gay icon so it does make sense. Also, Kathy knows how wacked out of her mind Celine is. There really is no hiding it.

I hope Kathy took a Silkwood scrub down when she returned home. That guy really looks like a walking STD. The Male Paris, if you will.

File this under "W"

For "Who cares?"

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are engaged. *Yawn* *Stretch* Oh, wait. What? Just dozed off.

Pete popped the question while he and Ash combed each other's hair. Or attended his brother's art exhibit in Colorado. Choose which answer you like better.

The couple released an unintentionally (I think) hilarious statement yesterday that started off by saying "We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I." HA! No, really. HAHAHAHA. Oh, that is priceless.

They go on to say they wanted their fans to be the first to know. Well, sure. That is what most couples want when they first get engaged. If I ever do, I am taking out a full-page ad in Variety and John Krasinski and I will thank all of our fans for their love and support of our bliss.

And he will definitely be paying, as I'm sure a full-page ad is expensive. Save that Office money, honey!

I wonder how Jessica took the news. I bet she made Ken Paves take her out for cocktails and a new weave from his collection, as good girlfriends do. Chin up, Jessica.

He's fooling no one

Ryan Seacrest has been spotted with Australian actress Sophie Monk over the past few weeks.

Uh huh. Beard!

Sophie was engaged to Benji Madden until a few months ago. Benji is currently seeing how many STDs a body can withstand while he dates Paris Hilton and trots her all over the globe with his band, Good Charlotte. Benji is the brother of Joel Madden(also in the band), who knocked up skeletal Nicole Ritchie and watched her gain a few pounds over 9 months until she popped out baby Harlow.

This is exhausting. I need a frap with extra chocolate, STAT!

So back to Seacrest. Can people ever go on dates to places that aren't paparazzi hangouts? I guess attempting to prove you like the ladies is a full-time job that means only the most well-known restaurants. What's the point of inviting her to your house if you are only planning to pull out your Brad Pitt dvd collection and discuss whether his hair looks better long or short? That could easily be discussed (in hushed whispers) over candlelight at Nobu.

Just remind Sophie to occasionally reach across the table and hold your hand for effect.

The Hills

*Another Monday means another hour of losing your brain cells thanks to LC, Audrina, Lo, Heidi, and the rest of the gang. Recapper Jessica makes sense of what we saw while our IQs lowered in intervals of 20.*

Another hour of Hills goodness begins as Lauren invites She-Pratt out for her bday celebration. I can't help but notice that Lauren's hair looks freshly cut and super clean. Maybe this will be the year she starts off clean, and keeps herself that way.

"So...are we dating?" Spencer one ups himself on the dork-o-meter with this one. I didn't think it could be done.

I'm just gonna throw this out there: I WANT TO PARTY WITH LO.

Now, I have two brothers and spent many years living with them, so I can totally understand why Spencer's sis is getting so annoyed with him. What I can't understand is how she didn't punch him in his face when he asked her to clean up after his dirty ass when he's making a mess in HER apartment. I'm sure she's a scrappy fighter and he doesn't look like he's been hitting the gym hard.

Whitney looks like a soccer mom, so it's no surprise that she dances like one.

I love how Lo and Audrina are talking smack on Lauren and Stephanie's friendship but covering it up with smiles, all while sitting a total of 5 feet away from them. That's actually the most real thing I've seen on this show.

It's about to go down! The Bolthouse Mole has started spreading the word about Stephanie rubbing elbows with Lauren.

I can barely see Brody's face because his gigantic ring is taking up most of the screen. Did he get that thing out of a cereal box?

I can't believe Spencer made his sister cry. Well, I can believe it because he's Spencer. What an idiot.

Do you buy that Heidi doesn't want to be Lauren's friend? I think she'd go back to laying poolside with LC in a heartbeat if she had the chance.

Oh, Lauren, why can't you just be happy with your cushy internship? She has those dagger eyes out after hearing Whit talk about her new gig. I've finally put my finger on who Whitney's new boss Kelly looks like: an escaped mental patient.

Awk-ward. That describes the Heidi-Audrina convo at the club. Between Heidi's stammering and Audrina's blank stares, I didn't know where that was going to lead.

Audrina, open your eyes! It's like her defense mechanism against being called out by Lauren is closing her eyes. She can still see you, you didn't turn invisible or anything.

I really want Lauren to walk in while Heidi is in the apartment picking up her stuff. No such luck. Instead, we get some meaningless chit chat between Heidi and Audrina and yet another reminder from Heidi that the two should hang out sometime. I think Audrina gets the point by now. Although, she does seem kind of slow.

That's it for tonight. Justin Bobby, where are you to make sense of it all???

*I suspect JB is stoned out of his mind on some beach, but that's just a quick guess.*

There's something about Cameron

And for the life of me, I can't figure it out.

She's got her claws in Gerard Butler, and I don't like it. That guy is attractive. And has an accent. Cam's been with Cris Angel! She doesn't deserve to trade up like that!

She's got an annoying laugh, she loves to burp in public(actually, who doesn't?), she's got the kind of skin that takes me back to my days in high school, she's got stringy hair, she always looks high. Hmmm....Maybe Gerard likes to puff, puff, pass. Is that why he did Nim's Island?

Oh, Gerard. This is very upsetting. Of course, maybe this is your fate after choosing to do P.S. I Love You. Something to think about it.

Mediocre reviews and a lemon face

Two things that the movie Leatherheads has going against it. I mean, seriously, Zellwegger, where are your eyes? Stop sucking on lemons in between takes.

Fine, fine. I thought you were good as Bridget Jones(when you were a normal weight!).

What the film does have going for it are its two leading men: George Clooney and John Krasinski. And, yes, I'm biased because I love them both, and, yes, it just so happens to be playing at a theater 5 minutes away from my apartment, but I am spending my hard-earned(?) dollars and going to see it this weekend.

I mean, I sat through the crap-fest known as License to Wed for a Krasinski fix. I'll do it again. And at least this film doesn't have Robin Williams chewing scenery like Britney chews gum: grotesquely.

May even be seeing it tonight if the Yankee game is rained out. Unless, of course, I fall asleep on the couch like the 95-year-old woman I turn into on Friday night. It happens, kids! Getting old blows.

Listen up, lambs!

Mariah was in London causing all sorts of havoc yesterday. The Brits love their Mimi. Their crazy, rainbow-chasing, sunglasses-at-night-wearing, exercising-in-heels Mimi.

She arrived at Selfridges in a taxi adorned with a picture of herself. Ego! Over 250 fans camped out overnight to meet with her as she promotes her new album. "Touch My Body" is lame. Too generic for Mariah. It left me wretching before my first listen was complete. Next!

Of course, being a Diva, Ms. M had to keep the fans waiting for 45 minutes while she got her hair did(the same style she has had since the 90s)and her makeup poured on. Was Carmindy from What Not To Wear in town? I feel like she would tell Mariah to ease up on the pink lip gloss.

My favorite report was that anyone wanting to snap a picture of Her Royal Crazy could only do so from her right side. Apparently, the left side of Mimi's face is hideously deformed. I want to get confirmation from Derek Jeter, but he won't return my calls. Rude!

E=MC2 drops on Tax Day. Such a clever title! Sorry, Mimi, but Uncle Sam has my number this year. Oh, wait. I don't own any of your albums. Nevermind.

He's up to 100 problems

And Beyonce's one. Hit me!

Well, it looks like Beyonce has gotten the better of Jay-Z. The couple, together since 2002, took out a marriage license in Scarsdale, NY on Tuesday. (Remember the musical "Scarsdale Surprise" from Seinfeld? It won a Tony!)

The license is valid for 60 days, so you know Tina Knowles is hard at work designing the most hideous wedding gown for B that you have ever seen. I'm imagining a lot of puff, lace, and bad taste. With a weave to match, of course! I wish Tim Gunn could drop by and reign her in, but I wouldn't want to put him through that. He'd probably need to be hospitalized after wading through all of the taffeta.

Who will be in the wedding party? Solange, of course. Michelle and Kelly? Linkin Park will stand up for Jay, I'm sure. What about Kanye? He feels the need to be included in everything that happens IN THE WORLD AT EVERY MINUTE. You don't want him pounding on the church door trying to get in. He loves the drama of making a scene.

Best of luck to the happy(?) couple. I'm sure they'll write a song about their love that will be played ad nauseam for years to come.

This is not a joke

*The following review of The Hills is real. This stuff actually happened. It is not an April Fool's joke. Someone at MTV thought this was fit to air. Oh boy.*

Bust out your Chanel shades (the bigger they are, the better they will hide those death stares you're dishing out), it's time for back-to-back eps of The Hills.

OMG, Lauren and Audrina haven't seen each other in a week. That hug makes it seem like they've been separated for years.

I'm impressed that Lisa Love is able to fake such a level of interest in Whitney's decision to leave Teen Vogue. I'm sure she has other things to be concerned with...like how she got conned into letting MTV cameras into her office.

We're back in the Bolthouse office. *Mental shoutout to Elodie, the oh-so-wise ex-friend/co-worker of Heidi. This skinny 'replacement Elodie' isn't as fun.

Spencer proclaims he hates dating. I'm sure L.A. hates you dating as well. Don't think for a second that the single ladies of Los Angeles are counting down the seconds until you are back on the market. Yuck.

This stylist chick that Whitney is going to be working for looks whack. How can you style people when you look as crazy as she does?

Brody looks bloated. Sorry, but it had to be said. Maybe he's just consuming too much sodium.

Who's that character at the club with the blond 'fro? It's like a real life Sideshow Bob.

Spencer and Heidi are divvying up books as he packs it up, packs it in, and moves in with his sister. So, wait...these two read?

Lo is back two seconds and already is dishing out good relationship advice to Lauren. I can't believe these two weren't friends for a while.

Spencer's sister Stephanie always looks high. I'm sure I mentioned this before, but I'm saying it again.

Whitney is styling for Aussie designers Sass & Bide. You might remember them from an old finale of Top Model. That is, you'd remember if you enjoyed bad reality shows hosted by crazy people named Tyra as much as I do.

She-Pratt extends an olive branch to Lauren. I'm not sure I trust the sincerity behind it.

Cool headband on Stephanie. Very Pocahontas chic.

It didn't take very long for LC and Steph to get buddy buddy, huh?

I see the two After Show shmoes are back in action. Are they even remotely worth the paychecks they receive? MTV has to have the resources to find better on-air talent. Or, as Lanigan put it, "Did the people at MTV walk down the street and pick the two ugliest and most boring people on the block to host The Hills After Show?"

*I couldn't agree more about the two hosts of the after show. NICE GLASSES, DOOFUS! I doubt either of them graduated from junior high. I need a Valium.*

Paris falls down! News at 11!

Not the city, the whore.

One of my heels caught in the rug at work today. Where is my close up with a camera?

Paris Hilton is terrorizing Prague with her boyfriend, Good Charlotte lead singer Benji Madden. Let's hope she isn't singing along at their concerts. Invest in ear plugs, people of Prague! Anyway, P took a tumble when she and Benji(good dog!) left an Italian restaurant yesterday. And there are pictures to prove it!

Poor Paris scraped her chin on the ground and refused to let the paparazzi snap a picture of that. No money shots for you, bitches! Benji looked angry(foaming at the mouth, perhaps?) and tried to blame the paps, but it was only Paris to blame for her mis-step. Those stick legs can only stay upright for so long *insert crass joke here*. And she was wearing sneakers, so she can't blame it on her usual hooker footwear. (Sorry, hookers. That was mean of me.)

Tomorrow: Paris opens her eyes and discovers she is scarred for life!

"I still have a chance!"

That's what (I'm guessing) Jennifer Aniston said today when People and US Weekly confirmed that Brad and Angie did not marry in New Orleans yesterday. Well, I know that's what I said!

Star Magazine first reported the nuptials yesterday. Uh...who will be fired for this? I want names, numbers, and financial compensation for the mental anguish I suffered when reading online that my William Bradley made Angie his wife. A few million, a lifetime supply of Ben & Jerry's, box seats for life at the new Yankee Stadium, and a walk on role on my favorite tv shows whenever I want will also suffice. Get on that, lowly Star reporter!

I wonder if they are like any of the idiots on TMZ. Does anyone watch that show? Hilarious. Harvey Levin and his dim-witted "reporters" sit in a large room talking about what celebrities they have found to put on their website. It's mostly stories about Britney, Paris, and stars sighted without makeup. The "reporters" all look like stoners working at a high school paper, with Levin acting as their academic advisor. There are a lot of cheesy jokes and laughter at things that aren't funny, with Levin rolling his eyes and trying to act like he's above it all. Really, Harvey? You used to be a lawyer! Now you are making money reporting on the lives of celebrities. At least share your secret with me! Selfish bastard.

Oh, right. So, no wedding for Brad and Angie. I mean, really. Do they need to make it official? They already have the kids and the houses and the...whatever else married people have. Framed photos? Bitterness to be taken out on the kids over the next few decades? Who needs a license for that?

Fergie turns 50...oh, actually only 33

Fergie Ferg turned 33 yesterday. What? She is not aging well. If she isn't the poster child for why you shouldn't do drugs, I don't know who is. Well, besides Britney and Amy Winehouse. And Pete Doherty. And Whitney Houston. Kiss my ass and pass the crack pipe!

The queen of the Black Eyed Peas celebrated her birthday at the Mirage in Las Vegas last night with 150 of her close friends. Please. Who has that many friends? Am I really supposed to believe Diablo Cody is friends with Fergie? I don't.

Josh Duhamel was there, of course. Oh, Josh. Why are you with Fergs? Sympathy for a former meth head? You are too good for that tranny mess.

Quentin Tarantino was also there, as they celebrate the same birthday. Random! Quentin is weird. I liked Pulp Fiction as much as the next person, but my goodness, is he annoying. He never shuts up! Blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda. Shut it, already. Wonder if he's over his obsession with Uma Thurman. Run, Uma, run!

Oh, and supposedly, Fergs didn't let a drop of alcohol pass her lips all night. Let's add some gasoline to those pregnancy rumors. And let us all hope the baby looks like Josh.

Richie wouldn't have lasted a day on Melrose Place

Richie Sambora was arrested on a DUI charge Tuesday night in Laguna Beach. His girlfriend and 10-year-old daughter were in the car at the time of the arrest. Uh oh. Heather must be pissed!

Seriously, if this were Melrose Place, she would have pushed him into the pool and held his head under until he sank to the bottom. Amanda Woodward doesn't take crap from anyone! She's nobody's fool.

How quickly do you think she was on the phone with her lawyers? Quicker than you can say "Denise Richards is a skank!" Poor Heather. This comes only weeks after a 911 call was made on her behalf for fear that she was suicidal. What is going on, Lock? Is Jack Wagner getting on your nerves? He did supposedly drive his first wife to have a nervous breakdown (Frisco and Felicia 4 eva!). Are you pissed that you can't find a decent role on television? I feel like you would do well on a show like Dirty Sexy Money. You are a proven show-saver! Recognize, Hollywood.

Or, could you still be suffering post-traumatic stress from dating David Spade? Understandable.

Did Britney bring her own weave?

I'm thinking yes. It looked ratty. Don't they have a budget over at CBS for hair? Should Tyra have loaned her a weave?

Britney guest-starred on How I Met Your Mother Monday night. I wasn't really looking forward to it because I love the show on its own merit, and although everyone screamed that this wasn't a publicity stunt to attract more viewers and save it from being cancelled, I screamed "BS!" I mean, really.

Crossroads and an episode of Will and Grace does not make one a sought-after thespian. Isn't she supposed to be a pop star first and foremost? This was a mutual decision to bring viewers to the show and put Brit in front of a camera when she was coherent. Done and done. The show had its highest ratings in its three seasons (10.6 million), and Brit came away with a decent performance to add to her resume. It wasn't earth shattering by any means, and there were a few scenes in which I think she tried a little too hard (when she was being berated on the phone by Neil Patrick Harris comes to mind), but overall I think she played it as well as any of the hos from The Hills could have (except Heidi, who would have done whatever Spencer thought was artistic and edgy...gag).

The real guest-star of the show was Sarah Chalke. She was great(as always)in her role as Ted's dermatologist. Sarah is a natural at comedy, as shown in her work on Roseanne and Scrubs. She took over the role on Mother after Alicia Silverstone backed out. As if! Although, to her credit, I can understand that she thought she would be overshadowed by all the press on Britney. Fair enough. But honestly, to me, Britney was the one overshadowed by the talent around her.

At least she didn't pull out the British accent.

Back to the Hills

*Celebrity Skewer correspondent (and budding wedding planner), Jessica, brings us her recap of The Hills premiere. Brace yourself for another mind-numbing season of the best fake reality on television!*

We haven't yet had enough, so we're going back to The Hills. I didn't see much of the pre-show, but I did catch enough to see Mariah (I don't get the tie-in) not only promote her new album but also lie about being a fan of the show. I'm sure she TiVo's it every week. Riiiight.

I see Whitney opted for the striped tights/boots look for the flight to Paris. Very Wicked Witch of the West.

Heidi is back home and hits the slopes with her mom, Darlene. Her mom looks so normal. I wonder what she thinks about her daughter's awkward gyrations in that homemade excuse for a music video.

Lauren and Whitney get rejected while running their first important errand in Paris. I didn't see that one coming. Sometimes you wonder how these two have jobs.

"Spencer, what is with your face? It's disgusting." I don't like Spencer's sis, but I do like this sass.

Heidi's stepfather seems less than pleased with Spencer's arrival in Colorado. Maybe he just didn't like Spencer's camera work in the above referenced video.

Audrina calls Lauren to say that Brody has a girlfriend. Shock of the century.

Is Heidi the incredible shrinking woman? Seriously, that scarf around her neck looks thicker than her entire body.

Looks like Lauren scored the biggest greaser in the band. Awesome...? Also, how old is this character? He looks like he's lived through some rough times.

Lauren is trying to mess with her fancy ballgown for a night out on the town. This sounds like a great idea. Did this girl leave her braincells in America? Did she have any to begin with?

HOLY CHEST HAIR. I know it's Europe, but I wasn't prepared for this gratuitous chest hair shot from Lauren's band guy. I say, button up.

Am I completely over the Speidi storyline? It's like they're talking, but I don't care at all about what they're saying and their scenes are really boring and pointless.

Okay, I feel bad for Lauren when she accidentally burns her dress.

Actually I take that back. She just got TWO designer dresses thrown her way, so I have to be a little jealous.

Ew, weird mini ponytail on the debutante escort they keep showing. If I don't see one of those again, I'll be okay with that.

Did anyone else feel like the Paris trip was going to be alot longer? All this build-up for a week? This show is so overdramatic. And I love it.

Upcoming scenes look great, especially the return of Stephen. I thought he was living in Tree Hill...but I was apparently mistaken.

I gotta run before I accidentally see any of Mariah's performance. That would put a big damper on the night. Thanks for reading!

Time to turn this out

I have no idea what that even means, but welcome to the relaunch of this site, formerly known as Bitter By Design. I wanted a better title and a more interesting layout. Hope you enjoy it...and if you don't, SUCK IT and get your own blog.

It's the first Monday of Spring, and the new season of The Hills premieres tonight, so why not change things up, right? I mean, if I'm watching The Hills, my life is already in the dumps. A little change won't hurt anyone.

In fact, in the immortal words of Sheryl Crow, "A Change Will Do You Good." I'm so glad she is no longer with sleaze ball Lance Armstrong. That is one change we can both get on board with.

So, expect the same things you loved about the old site: sarcasm, bitterness, paranoia, delusion, and recaps, but....well, there may be more recaps. I feel like I should start recapping something since I watch so much tv. Expect fan-favorite recaps of The Hills new season. That should hold you over until I decide what the hell I'm doing.

Oh, today I saw a picture of Jessica Alba smiling. I don't think her gross fiance was holding a gun to her back, forcing her to do it, either. Maybe it was just gas. Maybe someone just lied to her and told her they loved the sneak peek they saw of The Love Guru.

Boy, that movie looks like crap.

The red carpet is a red hot mess!

Seacrest was out of his mind! Inane questions for two straight hours? I needed a drink. Or maybe I should have popped the anti-depressant early.

I think George Clooney is going to need a stint in rehab after putting up with Ryan's creepy crush. Yes, we know George's hair looks good. Calm down, queen! I think he wanted to run his fingers through it. George's girlfriend should watch out...I could see Ryan trying to shank her in the Ladies Room.

Jason Bateman just keeps getting better and better looking.

OH MY GOSH, Gary Busey just accosted Jennifer Garner while she was being interviewed by Ryan. HILARIOUS and AWKWARD. I don't think she knew who he was. Probably just thought someone brought their drunk uncle to the ceremony. Seacrest was shaking in his Minolos.

Patrick Dempsey looks amazing. His hair is poofed up just right. Thank goodness. You know I hate when his hair has little-to-no height. Oh, his wife is there. Whore!

Amy Adams looks gorgeous in green. Her bag is ridiculous but obviously a fashion accessory.

Keri Russell is here? Stop it! She looks great. Her husband...looks like pictures I've seen of him. Ben and Felicity 4 EVA!!!

Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen look like twins.

Red is definitely the color of the night. Someone forgot to tell Jennifer Hudson. She and her breasts are in white. At least she isn't wearing that knockoff Seacrest Silver jacket from last year.

Katherine Heigel is scaring the crap out of me with her red lipstick. She looks odd. Her creepy husband is on tour. Thank goodness.

Hannah Montana is here, y'all! And she's just being Miley. Yes, I know some of the words to her song. Sue me!

I think I need a sedative.

Writer's strike is finally over

OH MY GOSH, I WAS ON MY LAST NERVE.

Ahem.

So, the strike is really over. Like, for real. New episodes will be made to salvage the rest of this season.

SNL returns February 23rd with Ms. Liz Lemon herself, Tina Fey, hosting. How fun! Love Tina. Ellen Page hosts on March 1st. Go Juno!

My favorite couple, Jim and Pam, return on April 10th. So does Ms. Lemon and company.

This strike blew. Seriously. Thank goodness I had Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew to make me feel better.

My gosh, I'm pathetic.

The Grammy's suck

I mean, really.

Random people presenting, Beyonce's blonde weave, Carrie Underwood's extensions, Miley Cyrus, her extensions, her hooker makeup and heels....etc.

Jason Bateman, I love you and don't care that it was random for you to be a presenter. You are Michael Bluth and can do whatever the hell you want.

I really only watched to see if U2 would show up and if Amy Winehouse would show up sober. No U2, but Amy performed and stood up the entire time. She even yelled out her husband's name twice (and I think she screamed out his inmate number....true love!). She is one freaky little addict.

Speaking of freaky, what happened to Cuba Gooding, Jr????? Why was he introducing Amy in London? Has he become the male Tara Reid, knowing he will get more attention in other countries that aren't so picky about their celebrities? I'm sorry, but it's true. I mean, Tara can host parties in other countries. She'd never be able to get past the velvet rope in most states here. And I don't ever want to hear him yell out "You know what I'm sayin'?" again. Just stop, Cuba. I'm tempted to take back your Oscar once and for all.

Uh....yeah, this is just bad.

Angie might be pregnant again

And this time with twins!

My gosh, I'm exhausted by the four they already have. Oh, wait. They aren't my kids.....why am I exhausted? I guess I have sympathy exhaustion.

If Angie is pregnant with twins, it will be the first time she was at a healthy weight since Tomb Raider.

Best of luck to them even if this rumor turns out to be false. Four kids is a lot!

Alba is very annoying

Jessica Alba is annoying. There, I said it.

Do you agree?

She said in a recent interview that she is "paranoid" about breastfeeding her baby. She's actually more concerned with breastfeeding than actually giving birth. Uh...okay. I don't know. Seems that pushing a human out of your peesh might be more nerve-wracking than breastfeeding, but I'm not pregnant or currently possessing any maternal instincts, so what do I know?

I think she should actually be more concerned that she is having a baby with someone named Cash.

R.I.P.

Heath Ledger was found dead in his NY apartment this afternoon. He was only 28-years-old.

Heath leaves behind a 2-year-old daughter, Matilda Rose, from his relationship with fellow actor, Michelle Williams.

There are reports that he suffered from depression and a substance abuse problem. An unconfirmed report states that over-the-counter sleeping pills and prescribed sleeping pills were found near his body.

We here at Bitter By Design wish his family well as they deal with his sudden death.

Our The Hills contributor has been a big fan of Heath's since 10 Things I Hate About You, and she mourns his loss.

Alright, alright, alright

So, Matthew McConaughey and his girlfriend are going to have a baby. That kid will shoot out of the womb demanding a joint and some bongos as sure as I type this.

Oh, Matthew. Remember when he dated Sandra Bullock? I can't see her putting up with his red eyes and case of the munchies. I wonder if that's what broke them up. Maybe he didn't bathe regularly. I could see that. He doesn't look like someone who keeps a supply of Irish Spring in his linen closet.

Best of luck to Matty and his girlfriend. Even more luck to him with that new movie he has coming out with Kate Hudson. It looks horrible.

Time to make more babies

The new issue of OK! Magazine claims that Brit wants to have more children and convert to Islam for her new married lover.

First of all, I hate the word "lover." Gag. Secondly, someone take away her uterus! She's used it enough for one lifetime. The woman can't be trusted to pick out decent weaves, or get herself to court less than 3 hours late....maybe she shouldn't be trusted to have more children. She can't keep hold of the two she already has. "Where are the little people that I feed Cheetos to, y'all?"

Do you think the boys are watching Kevin on One Tree Hill tonight? Oy. Well, at least he's getting work. Although, I heard that he wasn't actually singing on the show. Who got that gig? Who was paid to be the voice that K-Fed lip syncs to? William Hung?

Seriously, though. Someone get on that uterus removal.

The Nominees for Worst Golden Globes Banter

Billy Bush and Nancy O'Dell: Access Hollywood

Ben Lyons, Kristin Dos Santos, and Ryan Seacrest: E!

And the winners are: TOO CLOSE TO CALL! They all sucked.

Oh my gosh, this was the worst. The Golden Globes were scaled back this year because of the ongoing Writer's Strike, and the winners were announced via press conference. Instead of A-Listers like George Clooney and Alec Baldwin announcing the winners, we were treated to Mary Hart (giving someone, somewhere, a seizure with her voice) and Lara Spencer reading off the winners one right after the other. YAWN!

On the bright side, Tina Fey won Best Actress in a Comedy. On the dark, evil side, we were denied what I'm sure would have been a hilarious speech from Tina. In the immortal word of Liz Lemon, "Blergh!" Thrilled, also, that Extras won Best Comedy. Such a wonderful, funny show with an amazing cast. Love ya, Ricky!

Other people won other awards but I really don't care to remember. Luckily, the SAG Awards will be held in 2 weeks, and SAG has made a deal with the Writer's Guild, so that show will definitely be on. Actors need their awards, dammit!

Nicole Richie has a baby girl

I bet it weighs more than she does! Her name is Harlow Winter Kate Madden. Diva-in-training!!

XTina is giving birth at the same hospital. Whatever she has, it will surely come out with a fake tan and plenty of concealer.

Pam Anderson not pregnant

Thank you, God!

That's one less client for a psychiatrist, but it's really for the best.

Has he called Jenny yet?

So, Eminem is apparently fat and had pneumonia over Christmas. Yawn.

Why did he stop making music? I liked it when he made fun of people. Perhaps, like me, he became overwhelmed with just how many people there are to make fun of in the world. It's really exhausting to think about. I mean, just start with everyone on The Hills and you'll lose sleep at night. Oh, he and Justin Bobby should totally do a duet! See, that will keep you up at night, too.

Maybe Marshall can buddy up with Queen Latifah and join Jenny Craig this year. All hail the Queen! She won't put up with him whining about portion size. She's an Academy Award nominee! Oh, wait. So is he!

I smell a concept cd all about food.

Botox robot is pregnant

Or, as she's known in the film industry, Nicole Kidman.

Congrats to Nic and Keith Urban. Nicole has suffered miscarriages in the past, so I do wish her the best with this pregnancy.

I read that you can't receive botox injections while pregnant, so expect her to go into hiding until the baby is born. Stepford Wives can't have wrinkles! That was a great remake, wasn't it? Gag.

A baby will also be a good excuse to not make any movies for a while. Her star has certainly not been shining brightly at the box office lately, and a break from poor movie roles may just be what Nic needs.

Just call me your judge and jury, Kidman!

For the love of bad weaves

What is the best way to get over a 24-hour hospital stay, a visit from ratings-starved Dr. Phil, and loss of custody of your children? Apparently it's sipping mimosas with the paparazzi.

Britney was spotted with her weird pap acquaintance, Adnan Ghalib, in Palm Desert this morning. Ummmm....in the immortal words of Ms. Whoopi Goldberg in the movie Ghost, "Girl, you in danger."

What the hell???? Get help! Get meds! Why won't someone have the balls to help this woman? She doesn't need more attention from freaks and enablers and photographers. She needs therapy and medication that will help her cope with her life. Justin, where are you with some encouraging words? Maybe Lance Bass should step in. JC? You know he's got nothing better to do(besides try to keep the closet door closed).

Seriously, doesn't anyone from The Mickey Mouse Club want to offer help? Even a visit from the person dressing as Goofy at the Magic Kingdom would be a help at this point.

What a mess.

Something to ponder

What is more disturbing?

Nicholas Cage's hairpiece in National Treasure, or the trailer for PS I Love You?

Discuss.

I don't want to toot my own horn....BUT

Yesterday I questioned whether or not Jamie Lynn's boyfriend would stick around until the birth of their child. Well, Life & Style is reporting that they are no longer together. I'm taking that as fact.

Folks, it's a gift. I predict celebrity break ups and they happen. I think I'll set up a booth like Lucy in the Peanuts comic strip and start charging for my wisdom. I could use the extra cash. Christmas is expensive!

Next big split: Britney and Reality. I predict a final parting of the ways (they've been on again/off again for months) early in 2008.

Hey, y'all! I'm pregnant!

My name is Jamie Lynn Spears. My older sister is a dumbass, and so am I! I got pregnant because a stork landed on my trailer in Louisiana and told me I was going to have a baby in a few months. Nine, I think. Well, I didn't know what to do. My mom was locked in her room writing a book on parenting and my dad was somewhere getting drunk. I wanted to call my sister, but she lives in another time zone and likes to freebase and go wig shopping. I can never reach her. So, I did what any smart young girl would do: I picked up my magic 8-ball and shook it really hard. It said, "Yes, you are an idiot." Isn't that funny?

Alright, let me stop. Teen pregnancy is no laughing matter. What is funny is that Jamie Lynn is well on her way to being a has been at the ripe ole' age of 18. Idiot.

Reports claim that Brit did not know until reporters asked her for her reaction last night. Oh, snap! You know she will not be happy having to share the headlines with her sister. I mean, it's fine when she's on some Nickelodeon show that tweens watch, but no one is going to take my nightly spot on E! News or TMZ. It's on, bitch!

Also interesting is a report that Jamie Lynn is further along than the 3 months she told OK! Magazine. Maybe that story in the National Enquirer back in July was correct....we'll just have to see when she pops out that kid.

Wonder if her beloved boyfriend, Casey, will still be around. Hmmm.....