This is not a joke

*The following review of The Hills is real. This stuff actually happened. It is not an April Fool's joke. Someone at MTV thought this was fit to air. Oh boy.*

Bust out your Chanel shades (the bigger they are, the better they will hide those death stares you're dishing out), it's time for back-to-back eps of The Hills.

OMG, Lauren and Audrina haven't seen each other in a week. That hug makes it seem like they've been separated for years.

I'm impressed that Lisa Love is able to fake such a level of interest in Whitney's decision to leave Teen Vogue. I'm sure she has other things to be concerned with...like how she got conned into letting MTV cameras into her office.

We're back in the Bolthouse office. *Mental shoutout to Elodie, the oh-so-wise ex-friend/co-worker of Heidi. This skinny 'replacement Elodie' isn't as fun.

Spencer proclaims he hates dating. I'm sure L.A. hates you dating as well. Don't think for a second that the single ladies of Los Angeles are counting down the seconds until you are back on the market. Yuck.

This stylist chick that Whitney is going to be working for looks whack. How can you style people when you look as crazy as she does?

Brody looks bloated. Sorry, but it had to be said. Maybe he's just consuming too much sodium.

Who's that character at the club with the blond 'fro? It's like a real life Sideshow Bob.

Spencer and Heidi are divvying up books as he packs it up, packs it in, and moves in with his sister. So, wait...these two read?

Lo is back two seconds and already is dishing out good relationship advice to Lauren. I can't believe these two weren't friends for a while.

Spencer's sister Stephanie always looks high. I'm sure I mentioned this before, but I'm saying it again.

Whitney is styling for Aussie designers Sass & Bide. You might remember them from an old finale of Top Model. That is, you'd remember if you enjoyed bad reality shows hosted by crazy people named Tyra as much as I do.

She-Pratt extends an olive branch to Lauren. I'm not sure I trust the sincerity behind it.

Cool headband on Stephanie. Very Pocahontas chic.

It didn't take very long for LC and Steph to get buddy buddy, huh?

I see the two After Show shmoes are back in action. Are they even remotely worth the paychecks they receive? MTV has to have the resources to find better on-air talent. Or, as Lanigan put it, "Did the people at MTV walk down the street and pick the two ugliest and most boring people on the block to host The Hills After Show?"

*I couldn't agree more about the two hosts of the after show. NICE GLASSES, DOOFUS! I doubt either of them graduated from junior high. I need a Valium.*