Back to the Hills

*Celebrity Skewer correspondent (and budding wedding planner), Jessica, brings us her recap of The Hills premiere. Brace yourself for another mind-numbing season of the best fake reality on television!*

We haven't yet had enough, so we're going back to The Hills. I didn't see much of the pre-show, but I did catch enough to see Mariah (I don't get the tie-in) not only promote her new album but also lie about being a fan of the show. I'm sure she TiVo's it every week. Riiiight.

I see Whitney opted for the striped tights/boots look for the flight to Paris. Very Wicked Witch of the West.

Heidi is back home and hits the slopes with her mom, Darlene. Her mom looks so normal. I wonder what she thinks about her daughter's awkward gyrations in that homemade excuse for a music video.

Lauren and Whitney get rejected while running their first important errand in Paris. I didn't see that one coming. Sometimes you wonder how these two have jobs.

"Spencer, what is with your face? It's disgusting." I don't like Spencer's sis, but I do like this sass.

Heidi's stepfather seems less than pleased with Spencer's arrival in Colorado. Maybe he just didn't like Spencer's camera work in the above referenced video.

Audrina calls Lauren to say that Brody has a girlfriend. Shock of the century.

Is Heidi the incredible shrinking woman? Seriously, that scarf around her neck looks thicker than her entire body.

Looks like Lauren scored the biggest greaser in the band. Awesome...? Also, how old is this character? He looks like he's lived through some rough times.

Lauren is trying to mess with her fancy ballgown for a night out on the town. This sounds like a great idea. Did this girl leave her braincells in America? Did she have any to begin with?

HOLY CHEST HAIR. I know it's Europe, but I wasn't prepared for this gratuitous chest hair shot from Lauren's band guy. I say, button up.

Am I completely over the Speidi storyline? It's like they're talking, but I don't care at all about what they're saying and their scenes are really boring and pointless.

Okay, I feel bad for Lauren when she accidentally burns her dress.

Actually I take that back. She just got TWO designer dresses thrown her way, so I have to be a little jealous.

Ew, weird mini ponytail on the debutante escort they keep showing. If I don't see one of those again, I'll be okay with that.

Did anyone else feel like the Paris trip was going to be alot longer? All this build-up for a week? This show is so overdramatic. And I love it.

Upcoming scenes look great, especially the return of Stephen. I thought he was living in Tree Hill...but I was apparently mistaken.

I gotta run before I accidentally see any of Mariah's performance. That would put a big damper on the night. Thanks for reading!