Let the blank stares begin

Another season of The Hills dropped last night. Our resident Diva was there to catch it, dissect it, and make it more palatable to the average person. Buckle up, because it's going to be a bumpy ride:

There are some things that just keep coming back into the mix no matter how much you'd love for them to go away. Have you heard the latest single to drop from the (never) celebrated team of vocalist Heidi Montag and producer Spencer Pratt? It's not any better than Ms. Heidiwood's previous offerings. But, it is good for a laugh. Or a cry.

And other things seem like they're going to be gone forever but luckily they hang around for a bit longer. At the end of every recent Hills season, Lauren will tell anyone who will listen that she has had enough of the obtrusive cameras and is ready to call it quits. But all you have to do is wait a few months and Lauren and her posse inevitably return to the MTV airwaves with refreshed highlights and the latest designer duds.

So, hang onto your hobo bags, another season begins of The Hills starts...now.

Stephanie and Heidi are concocting a plan to throw in an extra surprise at Lauren's surprise birthday party since Heidi is going even though she's not invited. Surprise! Here's your ex-friend and you're gonna be trapped on a boat with her all night long!

This episode scores points early on for throwing in some Kelly Clarkson goodness. Love that song.

Ooh, I want Lo to order me a birthday cake. Sigh. One day.

I spotted Holly in the back of the crowd at Lauren's birthday. Will there be some added sisterly drama on this birthday boat?

Why is Spencer's face so shiny? The sheen coupled with those awkward gestures at the bar is just an unfortunate combination.

First Lo dishes out some wise words to Heidi, and then she shoots her a quality eye roll as she walks away. Gotta love that Lo.

Can we talk about Spencer's friend Charlie for a second? Ew. Any girl with a pulse and more than 5 brain cells (I'm looking at you bartender girl) should be immediately repelled by these two.

Am I the only one that expected Heidi to dive into the water and start frantically paddling to get to Spencer? She wasn't getting the whole middle of the water, not near land concept.

Whoa, I didn't think Spencer was actually gonna hit that kid. I figured he was all talk. Note: My arms are the same size as Spencer's.

Thank you Heidi for making the birthday girl cry. Hello Debbie Downer.

Stephanie is totally laying the smackdown on Spencer. It's taken a few years, but she's finally making sense when she speaks and isn't standing for any of his crap.

Heidi is stompin' around town in her boots and short skirt, and she's not gonna stop until she confronts this bartender.

Can't Darlene see that playing the nice mom card hasn't worked all along? It's time to lock Heidi up and not let her out until she agrees to ditch Spencer. Drastic times...

If Stephanie keeps defending Heidi, Lauren is going to pick up a bolt of fabric and beat her over the head with it. You know how those FIDM girls get around swatches.

Now we have Brody vs. Spencer. Good (?) vs. Evil. Showered vs. Looks Like A Drug Addict.

Ah, this was just the beginning of the Hills goodies for this season. Be back next Monday to see what great/awful things unfold in the next ep.

Is she on steroids too?

Baseball season officially kicked off last night, but for me it officially begins at 4:05 today when my Yanks take on the Baltimore Orioles at Camden Yards.

What makes this season especially joyous is the absence of A-Rod at third base. If only it were permanent. Sigh. Cody Ransom 4 Ever!

Oh, let's see.....celeb news? Well, Linds had a fun little escapade Friday night when being denied entrance into a Charlotte Ronson party. Looks like Sammy has had enough of the drama and told security she was not allowed in. Linds was having none of that (but, apparently, was having every drug under the moon) and threw a fit rivaled only by my sister when she stomps her feet. It took five security guards to calm Linds down and send her cranked up ass on it's merry way.

FIVE SECURITY GUARDS!?!?!?!?!?!?! Drugs give you super powers! HGH, anyone?

Poor Linds. She, her 45-year-old sister and her orange mother are rumored to be holed up at the Chateau Marmont. Drama!

It's sad, let's be honest. And we're not even talking about her leggings line.

Go Yanks!

Tim Riggins leads a double life

Earlier this week, the film X-Men Origins: Wolverine was leaked to the internet. The film is expected to be a huge blockbuster when it is released next month, and 20th Century Fox is pissed off about the leak and ready to go Naomi Campbell on the culprit.

I know some people are excited about this film because of an allegiance they have to one Mr. Taylor Kitsch from Friday Night Lights. In the upcoming film, Taylor plays Gambit - a mutant that can turn an ordinary playing card into a deadly weapon and still find time to play football and woo Lyla Garrity.

Oh, wait.

I know others are not as excited about this film because they feel like, "WHO THE HELL IS THIS TV BOY AND IS HIS HAIR SUPPOSED TO LOOK UNWASHED?"

Let's all simmer down and wait to see the film on the big screen starting May 1st.

On a different note, I would just like to announce that I had no idea a new season of The Hills premieres this Monday. Billed as "Lauren's last season," I'm sure it will be amazing.

GAG.

I wonder how many episodes The Diva will actually review of this shocking season. She is moving to another state in a few weeks, so I can see her excuse being that she just doesn't have the time.

Let's see if her fans revolt!

Dina Lohan makes me violent

As in, 'After reading about Dina Lohan acting the fool, I was forced to eat chocolate in order to curb my violent rage of hate."

Or something like that.

So, The Always Orange One takes her two skanky daughters to Villa and assumes that they will have no trouble getting in. You know, because she is Dina Lohan and sooo important and her one daughter is a has been but in Dina's world she is still a relevant actress and her other daughter is a never was but in Dina's world is an aspiring singer.

Who cares that the aspiring singer is only 15? She looks at least 3 times that!

Well, the bouncer was having none of it. Who in their right mind would risk their job for the Lohan's? Thankfully, not this dude. He told them to beat it and have a nice life and WHY ARE YOU ORANGE????

So Dina, in a fit of entitlement and mania, screams the question that separates good people and d-bags. Are you ready? I'm sure you know what is coming, but here it is anyway:

"Do you know who I am?"

For real. With a straight face, even. Maybe she is the true "actor" in the family!

Well, little Linds must have been needing a fix (and fast!), because she jumps in with "You're making a huge mistake. Huge!"

OH MY GOSH, SHUT UP LOHAN'S!!!!!

That bouncer deserves a raise. Kudos, sir!

Hold on to your sequins and feathers

Because after what feels like FOREVEVER, Project Runway is finally coming back to a tv near YOU! And me! And anyone who is fabulous and loves Tim Gunn.

NBC Universal, The Weinstein Company, and Lifetime television were locked in a bitchy battle of wills over the Weinstein's moving PR from Bravo to Lifetime. A settlement was reached and the 6th season of PR will premiere this summer. Bravo is out, Lifetime is in. Fierce!

Let's hope this season was worth the wait! Auf Wiedersehen!

Just when you thought he couldn't get any more annoying

John Mayer ups the ante on his foolishness.

Did you know he was on a four-day music cruise to Mexico? And that the ship is called the 'Mayercraft Carrier 2?' Ugh.

John pulled on his whitest short shorts and donned his Captain's hat (channeling a more flamboyant Captain Stubing, perhaps?) and showed off a pair of skinny, hairy legs. Gag.

Jennifer Aniston went from Brad to Vince to John. Life isn't always fair, is it Jenny?

Almost as upsetting as the prospect of being trapped on a boat with John Mayer, is the fact that people spent money to be trapped on a boat with John Mayer. Like, they voluntarily paid money to spend time with him. On a boat. In the ocean.

I feel like a moment of reflection is needed. Followed by a shot of Pepto.

An assortment of goodies

Rihanna got a gun tattoo from tattoo artist BangBang. Message to Chris Brown?

Mrs. Chris Martin has designed a Fall/Winter 09 collection with French Label ZOEtee. It's called "ZOEtee's Loves Gwyneth" and consists of what I'm sure will be overpriced crap that fits sizes 0-4. The good news is that proceeds from every piece sold will be donated to London's Kids Company, which provides support in various ways to at risk children and young people.

Beyonce's publicist has stated that she has a 19-inch waist. Ummm....no. B, as annoying as she is, has curves that she seems to embrace. I applaud her for having a real body. However, having her publicist come out with this garbage is proof that everything in the entertainment industry comes down to weight. Very sad.

Speaking of, Scarlett Johansson is thinning down for her upcoming role in Iron Man 2. You know. Because she's SO HUGE. Gah. She's almost, but not completely, got the Christina Ricci 'big head on a small body' look going on. Not attractive. Just sad.

Also sad? Lindsay Lohan's film, Labour Pains is premiering on ABC Family before going to dvd. WHAT THE HELL? Oh, Linds. I feel badly for ABC Family.

Maddie is planning to adopt another baby from Malawi. A little girl this time. Some advice on how to choose a baby: whichever one doesn't cry when seeing your scary hands and worked-over face. Good luck.

This is your mind on crack

Lindsay Lohan is the gift that keeps on giving...and I don't just mean STDs. Sam Ronson, get tested!

Little Girl Lost gave an interview with E! (because they are as cracky as she is, I guess), and the crack talk was amped up to 11:

With everything that's gone on with my family, my parents still taught us how to have tact, class, respect for others and how to follow our dreams and never change who we are for anyone or anything.

"Class" and "Lohan" do not go hand-in-hand. In fact, they don't even live in the same atmosphere. That family is whack.

If people would just leave my personal life alone—because it's really not that interesting—then I could land a great role.

Ummm...your personal life is the only thing people know about you now, Linds. Mean Girls was years ago. You know what was more recent? I Know Who Killed Me. How that was overlooked for an Oscar I'll never know. So powerful! Also more recently...club appearances with Sammy, a line of leggings, orange skin, weight loss, stringy hair, and rehab. Oh, and the crack. And the fighting with Sammy. And the shopping sprees.

SHUT IT, LINDS! YOU GOT KICKED OFF OF UGLY BETTY!! You couldn't even keep it together long enough for a story arc on Ugly Betty. Stop with the whining and get thee to real rehab where you aren't given beautiful oceanfront views and catered food.

I'd like to have my own charity, do work overseas, be in Oscar-nominated films, write movies, produce movies/shows/videos, design clothes, make music, write books, etc. It's all possible if people would just stop judging me and accusing me and making me out to be this aloof, spoiled, ungrateful and unprofessional person that I am not and could never be.

Oh my.

Very ambitious, isn't she? For someone that can't hold a job and blows through money, that is. Yikes.

The bottom line is that we are each responsible for our actions. If people think you are an unprofessional brat, that means you have done things to warrant that belief. People aren't picking these thoughts out of the air. Stop blaming other people for your life, Linds. Otherwise I'm going to start calling you "My Mother 2.0."

My gosh, this girl is tedious.

Angie needs Detox?

According to The Sun, Angie Jolie is on a liquid diet to lose weight.

From her lips? Because those plumpers are the only thing on her with any weight.

The earth mother and Brad Pitt admirer is currently filming the CIA thriller, Salt. She does all of her own stunts (well, excuse me!) and people on set are worried she will be too weak to perform. Will she use the power of her children to get her through?

You know Zahara's 'Bitch, please!' looks could rule the world.

Given that this story is from The Sun, we should take it with a grain of salt.

Ha! Salt. Get it?

I need chocolate.

Fergie doll is trannylicious!

Fergie Ferg Duhamel had a meet-n-greet at The Grove in Los Angeles on Saturday for her new shoe line (stripper heels, anyone?).

At the event, she was presented with a doll made in her image. Her tranny image!

Fergie Ferg's doll looked like a cranked out Diva performing in the Meat Packing District in NYC....complete with red satin gloves, bustier, and garter belt. Whoop!

Luckily, this doll won't pee itself on stage.

New couple alert....sort of

Rumor swirling that Ryan Gosling is trying to get together with Natalie Portman. Interesting.

Although nothing will beat McGosling (Gortman? Gosman? Portling?), I am intrigued by this possible match. Both are actors with brains that do a lot of work promoting issues in other countries, such as Darfur. Also, they are both really pretty and should have lots of pretty babies.

Kidding! I'm not 12.

But, since Rachel McAdams is hanging out with Josh Lucas these days, I'd like to see Ryan move on and find happiness.

And, can we talk about Rachel and Josh? Ugh. Rachel...really? Josh Lucas was cute in Sweet Home Alabama, but that was back in 2002. Now he kind of looks like an uncle that would get drunk at holiday parties and embarrass you.

I'm not feeling that pairing at all.

A-Rod makes it too easy

Pick up Details magazine and see for yourself why the only person A-Rod could ever love is himself.

But please, do it on an empty stomach.

This story makes my life

Oh, Julia Roberts. You ass.

Last night, in NYC, the premiere of Duplicity. It stars Clive Owen and That Woman. The one with the huge mouth and hideous laugh. The one that was so taken with herself when she won an Oscar that she couldn't be bothered to acknowledge (MUCH LESS THANK) Erin Brockovich. You know Erin, right? The woman that Horsey played in a film entitled Erin Brockovich in order to win that gold statue. The one that did the honest-to-goodness work it took to expose corruption and help the families that suffered physically and emotionally because people thought they were dispensable.

I can still see her up on that stage (while watching in the death trap known as the Rodeway Inn in State College), laughing and howling and telling the orchestra conductor that she wasn't going to allow him to play her off stage.

I HATE HER SO MUCH.

Well, a few years back, Jules decided to try her hand at Broadway. She starred in "Three Days of Rain" and, no, I didn't buy a ticket. Even though I adore Paul Rudd. Ugh. Paul deserved so much better. So did Bradley Cooper (who I have since learned to love).

Roger Friedman gave a review of the play that Jules found less then complimentary. Boo hoo. So, when he tried to interview her on the red carpet last night, she was rude like you read about. Because GOD FORBID SOMEONE NOT FALL AT HER FEET AND THINK SHE IS THE GREATEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD. She likes to hold a grudge. Classy, Jules. Very classy.

Now I know you are thinking, "But aren't you holding a grudge against Julia?" Yes. Yes, I am.

But I don't know Julia. I'll most likely never meet her. And even if I did, I can fake nice with the best of them. Jules, obviously, cannot.

Best of luck with the movie.

HATE!

I really can't stand Gwyneth Paltrow

That's all.

Transfixed by a weave

This week has been crazy. Audit at work has zapped all of my energy...and all of my computer time at work. RUDE! I mean, really.

Had a few minutes to look at some entertainment news and saw that Katie Holmes has done got herself a weave over in Tokyo. Little Joey Potter showed it off at the Valkyrie premiere. My my. Very correspondent glam. She could be a new co-host on The Daily 10.

Anything to get away from Tom, right?

She still looks beat as hell and shell shocked. Poor Katie. That contract is looking like a mistake, isn't it?

Maybe Suri will use her super Scientology powers to save you both. Fingers crossed!

Some FNL love

Did you miss 6's last episode of Friday Night Lights last Friday? Well, you should be shot.

Good stuff. Was never a huge Jason Street fan, but I was happy with how his storyline was wrapped up on the show. Let's not lie....the chances of him becoming a sports agent overnight are non-existent, but it's nice to think of this guy getting a break for once. I mean, he becomes paralyzed from the waist down playing football, his girlfriend and best friend sleep together (and are currently dating), and he's got a goofy haircut. I mean, really.

For a nice read, check out ew.com. Scott Porter, who played Jason, blogs about his final few months on the show. You can also read a blog from Gaius Charles, who played Brian "Smash" Williams on the show. Good stuff. Sounds like a great cast and crew make that show tick.

You should also check out April's Vanity Fair for an interview with Taylor Kitsch, who plays Tim Riggins. He'll next be seen on the big screen in Wolverine and likes to drop the 'f' bomb.

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose.

Coincidence? I think not.

The Chicago Sun Times reported last week that things were not all sunshine and roses in the Justin Timberlake/Jessica Biel relationship. Report was that Justin was growing tired of the relationship. Ugh. Could you imagine? They both seem so tedious and you can just tell Justin needs all the attention all the time. Good gracious, that would be a full-time job. Good thing she doesn't work much.

Well, fast forward to Saturday night on SNL. Justin cameos with Andy Samberg on Weekend Update. Funny enough. Suddenly, in struts Jessica as Jessica Rabbit. Oy. Was her butt padded? Hard to tell. Justin chewed the scenery as soon as she showed up, finishing off with a few robot dance moves that allowed him to exit stage left several seconds after her. You know he is always the last to leave. Must soak up every last bit of attention.

Gave me a stomach ache.

So, for now, Tiel (or is it Bimberlake?) is just fine.

At least as long as they can both get some airtime.

New Office tonight

Remember this show called The Office? It was on after the Superbowl this year. It's now in it's 5th season on NBC.

You know it. I know it. Does NBC know it?

The show has been knee-deep in a strange schedule this season: a new episode here, a few weeks of reruns there....annoying to say the least.

Well, the show returns tonight with it's Valentine's Day episode. You know, the day celebrated in February?

Yes, today is March 5th.

Clearly, Ben Silverman is passing around bongs instead of coherent ideas at the network. Great programming prowess!

The Office at 9, and an all-new 30 Rock at 9:30.

Speaking of, did you catch Tina on Jimmy Fallon? Stellar.

Lock up your little boys, London!

Because Michael Jackson is going to invade this summer! AAAAGGGHHHH!!!!

MJ is getting a huge paycheck of 300 million dollars for 30 shows at London's 02 arena. Say what now? That is ridiculous. In these tough economic times, how can the Pervy One be worth that much?

Can he still sing? Have you seen pics lately? He looks like he can barely stand. And that nose. Oh, that nose.

Hey, with enough spectacle he can probably lip sync and no one would care. Look at little Brit's concert comeback. The girl did not sing live once. ONCE. Not one time in last night's comeback kick-off in New Orleans. But there were dancers! And a three ring circus! Sigh.

That is why I spent money renewing my subscription to U2.com. For a chance to get pre-sale tickets when the boys tour this year, it's worth it. They can sing. LIVE. Yes, what a novel concept.

Save a seat for me, boys.

U2 on Letterman and Little Jimmy grows up

In support of their new cd, No Line On The Horizon, U2 will be on David Letterman this week. Every night this week, in fact. Set those TiVos and DVRs and eat a potato in honor of the Irish.

Will Bono sport some new eyeliner? Will Larry role his eyes? Will Edge wear a new skully? Will Adam be relevant? This is the week for answers!

The cd drops tomorrow and you should all Itune it like it's hot.

In equally exciting news, Mr. James Fallon takes over the Late Show on NBC tonight. With Conan's move to LA to take over The Tonight Show, there was room in the 12:30am slot for a new voice. Look no further than Jimmy. Not Jimmy from Seinfeld, but a good one just the same. I wish Jimmy only the best and look forward to his interviews with Tina Fey (tomorrow) and one half of Bluntski, Ms. Emily Blunt, next week. Good luck, Jimmy!

Speaking of good wishes, I would like to extend a very happy 'Congratulations!' to loyal reader Erin on her engagement. All the best to you! According to Mike Passero, taupe is the new white. Words of wisdom! I am quite certain you will have a stylish, sassy wedding and reception knowing that you have The Hills recapper, and resident Diva, on your side.

Too many diet pills

That's what I'll blame for this mess I just read about regarding Jennifer Love Hewitt, or 'Love.' Gag.

The newly single, out of her mind star of The Ghost Whisperer just celebrated her 30th birthday by dressing up as Audrey Hepburn and having breakfast at Tiffany's.

Good grief, Holly Golightly!

I know JLH starred as Hepburn in a tv movie about her, but that was just an acting role. From a long time ago. No one thought you did a good job, anyway. Leave poor Audrey's memory alone!

Looks like Ross got out just in time.

The Jolie-Pitts enjoy Broadway

Fresh out of their front row seats at the Oscar's, the Brange took 4 of their six children to see The Little Mermaid in NYC last night.

They grow up so fast, don't they? Maddox is now 7, Pax is 5, Ms. Zahara is 4, and Shiloh is 2. Six kids under 8? I need a nap just thinking about it.

Brange is in town while Angie films Salt. Tom Cruise was once attached to the project, but the producers went a different way and made the lead a woman. I don't really see why Tom had to be let go. Boom! Roasted!

Oh, it feels good to laugh.

A tranny back on the market

And her name is Megan Fox.

I'm sorry, but she even admitted it on an E! pre-show. The tranny thing, I mean. Girl wears way, WAY too much makeup. Tone it down. Would neutrals kill you?

Anyway, she and David Silver himself, Brian Austin Green, have ended their two-year engagement. According to People Mag, they 'remain friends.'

Uh-huh.

My guess is that Megan didn't appreciate BAG lifting her eyeliner for parties. Did you see those shots of him at the FOX party last year? Someone was a little too happy to be out in public with kohl eyes. Know your place, BAG, and save it for Foxy.

Transformer fan boys, my brothers, and tranny-lovers everywhere can now keep their fingers crossed for a chance with Megan.

Best of luck.

The Lohan Diet for Lent?

Happy Fat Tuesday, everyone!

Is Lindsay fasting early for Lent?

It appears she exists only on Coke, Diet Coke, and cigarettes. And....maybe other stuff? Like...ummm...things that make you very thin.

You know, like stress and work.

UH-HUH. Good one, Linds.

Saw a video of Lindsay high on...work stress, I'm sure, talking about how she and Penny Cruz are friends. ACADEMY AWARD WINNER PENELOPE CRUZ.

Yes, I mean, just look at all the photos taken of those two together. Remember those photos of them hanging out? Having lunch, clubbing, supporting Sam at a DJ gig, etc.

If I were a betting woman, I'd put five dollars on another rehab trip soon.

I'm back...and I brought The Oscar's with me

Before I begin my many thoughts about last night's Oscar telecast, I just want to thank my loyal reader(s) for their thoughts and prayers while I was on leave from this blog. The rumor around Hollywood was that I was in rehab. That is not true. I was, however, in need of a break from reporting on Tinsel Town gossip. Sometimes it just gets to be too much. I was drained and exhausted. I mean, finding out that Jennifer Love-Hewitt has a bodyguard on the set of The Ghost Whisperer sent me over the edge. I mean...her? What? Sometimes Hollywood just skewers my sense of well-being and I need to retreat into the healing power of reruns of 30 Rock and the magical comedic touch of Tina Fey.

Deep breath. Let's begin.

OH MY GOSH, TINA WAS AT THE OSCAR'S. More on that later.

Let's start with the red carpet. This year, in an effort to maximize suspense (and draw more viewers to the actual telecast), the producers asked that not all presenters walk the red carpet. Say what? With a huh? Fine. Whatever. If it saved me from having to hear a few inane interviews conducted by Ryan Seacrest, I'd like to thank the Academy. Ha!

Miley was the first little chipmunk on the carpet. Oy. Her dress was too much. Designed by Zuhair Murad, it was bejeweled with what looked like fish scales. Is she just being Miley? Please. She's 16 going on 45, but said her dress was inspired by The Little Mermaid. Back to the Disney vault, pronto!

The big buzz on the carpet was whether or not The Brange and Maniston would cross paths. Didn't happen. WHYYY?????? Well, it was deliciously awkward during the ceremony, so I was rewarded later. Jenny A. skipped the red carpet, but The Brange did not. Brad looked great, but I'm wondering why Angie decided to leave the house looking like a woman in her mid-60s? That hair was horrible. It aged her dramatically. Don't get it. I mean, she has a zillion children, I know she's tired, but why take it out on her hair. She's always had great hair. Not last night. And would it kill her to eat? So thin. And didn't she used to have a bigger chest? She's lost weight everywhere. Loved her Elie Saab black strapless dress and emerald jewels, though.

Where is my Kate Winslet? Where? Oh, there. Totally killing it Grace Kelly style in her Atelier Yves Saint Laurent dress. Adore her. She really brought glam and fabulous style throughout the award season. And she has wrinkles! She get wrinkles around her eyes when she laughs and she is real and down-to-earth and I just love her.

Wait. What? I know my lenses have scratches and smudges, but did I really see what I thought I saw? MELISSA GEORGE on the red carpet? The woman that ruined Season 3 of Alias and made children weep and dogs howl in despair is on the red carpet? No. No. NO!!!! Ahem. Well, she was and she looked a mess, so there was some satisfaction. According to my brother, Rob, there is a lottery the celebs must enter to attend, and it was her year to win. Like how Gary Busey attended last year and scared the crap out of Jennifer Garner.

Penelope Cruz wore a white Pierre Balmain gown that was very princess-like. Not a fan of white, but she looked very pretty. Didn't like her hair, though, because her bangs were too heavy and split on her forehead strangely. Her jewels, from Chopard, were exquisite, though.

There's Anne Hathaway. I wish she had worn a jewel tone because she is even more pale than I am. Her strapless Armani Prive dress was quite stunning, though, and it fit her skeletal frame well. I'm sorry, but it's true! Girl needs to eat! C'mon, Annie!

Amy Adams looked stunning. She wore a crimson Carolina Herrera bustier dress with black silk satin. I like when redheads don't shy away from red. It really worked with her hair color and skin tone. What I could have done without was her Fred Leighton necklace, which not only looked like it weighted 1,000 pounds, but was too busy and took attention away from the dress. Less would have been more.

Beyonce in the house! Looking like she wore something from the Tina Knowles collection. GOOD GRIEF, CHARLIE BROWN, she was! Proving that she and her mother wouldn't know good taste if it sang to them, she wore a dress that could best be described as drapes in an asylum. Black dress. Busy gold flowers that overpower the dress. The House of Dereon needs to board up it's doors and hope for a tornado.

Paging good taste, STAT. Oh, thank goodness. Natalie Portman to save the day. Looked amazing. Lilac Rodarte pleated gown. Hair pulled up. So petite. My only problem is that she used a little too much bronzer on her face. Otherwise, flawless.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I have major Sarah Jessica Parker issues. Besides loathing Carrie Bradshaw, I always found SJP to be a little too 'fake gracious' and gregarious. Don't know why she was ever considered a 'style icon,' because she always looks so overdone and tries to hard to be on the cutting edge. Last night was prom night for Cinderella. Her 'barely mint' Dior Couture gown made me cringe. And her hair added bulk around her long face. Nightmare all the way around.

Here's a question: When did Jessica Biel go tranny? She looked horrible last night! Stringy hair, strong makeup, and a white, strapless Prada gown. Actually, I am insulting trannies everywhere and I don't mean to.

Oh, Heidi. The Klum did not look her best last night. The woman is stunning, but her slicked do and origami Roland Mouret gown left me bewildered. She chose crimson (always a good color on her) to draw attention to the Heart Truth campaign that she is heavily involved in and wore the Diet Coke red dress charm bracelet she designed for the campaign. Good work Heidi, but not with the dress design. You're out!

Freida Pinto. Love her. If you haven't seen Slumdog Millionaire yet, run. So good. Freida is stunning. Didn't love her John Galliano dress last night. The cobalt blue was fab, but I didn't like the lace covering one arm. And her hair was pulled up and too mature. She's young and has beautiful hair. Could have done something stylish with it. She and Dev Patel were adorable, though. So sweet and kind with the young children from the movie. Oh my gosh, those kids were gorgeous and hilarious and so thrilled to be there. Did you see Ryan and Giuliana doing their best to embarrass Dev and Freida? Ugh. Are they dating???? What???? Freida is involved in a bit of a scandal regarding her fiance (or is it husband?) that she dumped recently. Need more details, but it is being played that she dumped his ass once the movie started winning awards. Say it ain't so, Freida!

Taraji P. Henson. Gorgeous! Her tiered ivory Roberto Cavalli gown killed. Flattered her figure and did not wear her, you know? Loved the hair, jewels and clutch. Perfect!

You know who surprised me the most? Alicia Keys. Not because she normally looks beat, but because she was there. She looked fabulous in her plum Armani Prive gown. Worked so well with her skin tone and her flowing locks worked perfectly.

Oh, wait. I was actually surprised by Robert Downey, Jr. as well. What elixir did he drink the night before, because he looked at least 20 years younger last night?!?! Fabulous.

Paging the tweens! It's Vanessa Hudgens. Oy. Not a big fan of feathers, so the ones glued to her bust were scaring me. Otherwise, the Marchesa strapless black gown would have looked okay. Not great. Liked her earrings from Cathy Waterman, though.

Settle down, girls. Zac Effron and Robert Pattinson on the carpet. Don't get the appeal of either one (a metrosexual and a pale guy that looks like he doesn't bathe), but the gals love them! I won't mention which of my sisters likes the
High School Musical movies. Did I mention that I only have one sister? I'm glad I'm not a tween right now. The boy choices are limited.

Now, on to the show!

Love Hugh Jackman. He's Australian! He's Wolverine! He sings! He dances! He hosted The Tony's! I thought he did a great job last night. I know I was scratching my head when I heard the announcement that he would be hosting, but I think it was a nice shakeup for the show. He's very personable, very talented, and very cute. Worked for me. The opening number was fun and MY GOSH, he has a lot of energy. Very classy and worked that tux beautifully. Also, I hear that Ricky Gervais and Seth Myers wrote his jokes. Uh, yeah. Can't go wrong there. Love them!

Could have done without the musical number in the middle. Save it for Broadway! At least Beyonce wasn't in her horrible gown. But I'm just not a fan of musicals in general, so it was time to fast forward.

Something I didn't fast forward through? TINA FEY. Tina Fey and Steve Martin presenting Adapted and Original Screenplays. Did I mention Tina? She looked amazing in her Zac Posen silver dress. Great shape for her. And she's funny. Did you know Tina is funny? You should. Everyone in the world should. I bet she had a hand in writing their sketch (if not writing the whole thing).

Congrats to Penelope Cruz for winning Best Supporting Actress for Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Her speech was cute and she looked nervous. The bangs still bugged me. Sorry, Penny!

Poignant moment alert! Heath Ledger won Best Supporting Actor for The Dark Knight. His father, mother, and sister accepted the award on his behalf. Very touching and I give them credit for doing it. Couldn't have been easy.

Did you know Kate Winslet has been nominated for six Oscars? Sixth time was the charm, as she finally won for her role in The Reader. OH MY GOSH, I love Kate. So cute when she asked her dad to whistle so she would know where he was sitting. Everyone was so happy for Kate. Her fellow actors (both older and younger than her) respect and admire her. Marion Cotillard (looking stunning) was clearly thrilled to be appointed as the former Best Actress winner to speak of Kate's performance this year. (In a fun twist, the Academy had previous winners in the acting categories (5 each) walk on stage and speak of each of this year's nominees. Last year's winner opened the envelope and announced this year's winner). Got that?
Kudos to you, Kate!

In the tightest race of the night, Best Actor, Sean Penn emerged with his 2nd Oscar. It seemed a two-man race between him and Comeback of the Year, Mickey Rourke. Sean took the time to push for equal rights for all people during his speech, even going so far as to say that those who voted for the ban on gay marriage should feel ashamed and anticipate "the shame in their grandchildren's eyes if they continue that way of support." He also congratulated Mickey Rourke and called him "my brother."

Finally, the Best Picture was presented by Steven Spielberg. All hail Slumdog! So glad it won Best Picture. Didn't realize until this past weekend that it was originally going to go straight to dvd. Luckily, funding came through and it was released on the big screen. Wonderful film. Brilliant cast.

And that ends another award season. I'm exhausted. You? Congrats to all the winners and nominees.

Kate Winslet

She killed at the Globes. Oh, Kate.

So deserved. She's outstanding and it's about time she started getting the awards. Yes, the nominations are nice, but this woman is a great actor. People much less deserving have won awards....Julia Roberts, anyone? Uh, yeah. So give Kate all the awards and let her finally bring home an Oscar.

But last night it was her night to shine at the Globes. And she did. Two awards for two heralded performances. And her favorite men were on either side of her: Sam Mendes and Leo D. She looked radiant and owned the night. All hail Kate.

And you know Kate is loved by her peers when even Angie overlooked being referred to as "the other one." Seriously. If Anne Hathaway would have forgotten Angie's name on stage, Anne Hathaway would no longer be alive today. There would be dust where Anne once stood. Angie's bitch face from the Critics' Choice Awards still haunts Anne. I'm sure of it.

Maybe she's too afraid to eat. Anne, you must eat. You are way too thin.

The other highlight of the night? The Brange turning their back on Ryan Seacrest on live television. Like, completely ignoring his pleas for an interview. Did I mention that Ryan had to fly off his E! post and run after them? He physically left his post to go after The Brange, only to have security cut him off as he tried to impede on their photo ops. Gah! I can only imagine the tizzy he threw later on. Brad was even caught stopping to chat with Billy Bush on the carpet. BUT NO SEACREST? Sorry, Ryan. Brad Pitt respects Billy Bush more than you.

Oh my gosh, sad.

All Hail Queen Z

Zahara turns 4 today.

You know she told those other brats to bow down. She doesn't mess around.

Sydney Bristow pops out another child

And it's a girl! A sister for little Violet, who turned 3 last month.

Somewhere, Michael Vartan is breathing a sigh of relief and going about his business doing whatever he wants.

Where has the time gone?

Wasn't it just 2008?

Well, I am exhausted. Trying to drink more water and walk more during the day is very tiring.

Anyway, is anyone watching Bromance on MTV? Ugh. Brody Jenner is a nightmare. Tedious on The Hills, so it makes perfect sense to give him his own show. And don't get me started on Whitney Port. The City looks like a snoozefest. Mondays will never be the same.

Neil Patrick Harris is hosting SNL this week. Yes, please. LOVE him. So damn funny on HIMYM. I really hope he wins a Globe this Sunday. Well deserved.

The Jonas Brothers are presenting during the ceremony. Really? Gah. As Liz Lemon would say, "Youths!"

Speaking of Liz, there is a new 30 Rock this week. Can't wait. I've missed having new episodes to rewind during laughing fits. The Office returns all-new on the 15th.

Scrubs returns tonight at 9:00 on it's new home, ABC. Thank you for taking on this funny show and giving it the respect NBC never could, Steve McPherson! Now, if only you could respect me enough to air the final three Pushing Daisies episodes now and not make me wait until summer. Annoying, to say the least.

Also annoying? Trying to be healthy. I need to go on the Lohan diet.

A Time For Reflection

What a year! Oh, 2008, you really kicked my ass. You were EXHAUSTING. But, there were definitely moments that made me glad I hadn't idolized the Menendez Brothers and ended up in jail.

With that, here's a look back:

Jim and Pam got engaged. FINALLY. Oh, so coy, writers. After four seasons, our favorite office workers got engaged at a gas station. And, somehow, it worked beautifully. Now, let's got on with the wedding.

Cloverfield made me nauseous. Seriously, it did. That hand-held camera nonsense grated after thirty minutes. And nice of Rob to endanger the lives of his friends by making them haul ass over to Beth. Oh, there's just some gigantic alien ripping NY a new one, but he needs to find Beth so he can admit he was an ass to her. Ugh. BUT, Matt Reeves and JJ Abrams gave me Felicity, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

We got a new President. Oh, yes. And he has his work cut out for him. Hope he's enjoying that vacay in Hawaii.

Angie popped out some twins. Better her then me.

Brit made a comeback. And it is still keeping. May 2009 mark a fresh start for the pop tart, starting with a few good weaves.

The economy is going down. That was a quote from a friend of mine. See what an Emerson education can do for you? Our country is a mess, but if Britney can make a comeback, hopefully we can too.

Tina Fey made a better Gov. Palin then Gov. Palin. Tina can turn anything into gold.

And with that, I wish you all a Happy New Year. May 2009 be the Year of Bluntski.

Cate Blanchett

Uh, yeah....she's awesome. Need proof?

Oscar winner, lives out of the spotlight of Hollywood, adored by her peers, wife, mother, embraces the pale, and doesn't whine about fame.

Refreshing, to say the least.

Cate graces the cover of the February Vanity Fair.

Jennifer Aniston, take note.

Tina Fey named Entertainer of the Year

The AP got it right by naming Tina their Entertainer of the Year. Well deserved, don't you think?

Tina beat out Robert Downey Jr. for the top spot, but I'm sure good ole' Rob can live with it. His Iron Man comeback was well received throughout Hollywood, and he is currently filming Guy Ritchie's version of Sherlock Holmes in London. Kudos to Rob for turning it around and getting off the drugs.

Things looked dire for him a few years back. Remember the time he found his way into a stranger's house and fell asleep in a child's bed? Yikes.

Wishing RDJ only good things in 2009.

And now I would like to take the time to wish all of my Celebrity Skewer readers a Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Festive Kwanzaa, and joyous any and all Holidays you observe.

Fingers crossed I get the Jim Halpert clone under my tree I've been wishing for since Season 1. Tick Tock, Santa.

The Hills finale

Another season of The Hills came to a close last night. Oh, and look at what Christmas miracle we have: Recapper Jessica doing her job and recapping the finale! What do you think of that?

It's the season finale of The Hills tonight. What pre-Christmas goodies did MTV bring us? To wrap up the final episode of '08, here are the top 8 moments from tonight's show:

Brent's reaction to Heidi's wedding: the pause, the stunned silence, the slight eye roll. Classic.

Justin Bobby in overalls, no shirt, on the motorcycle with the huge handlebars.

Good ol' Darlene, ready and waiting to lay the smackdown on Mr. and Mrs. Pratt.

Spencer looking like his laziness is finally equalling fattiness. That is a bloated face underneath all that scruff.

Justin Bobby coughing up a ring, literally, to give Audrina. I swear that's what it looked like to me.

Heidi's plastic face showing some emotion during her five minute reunion with Lauren. The whole interaction was awkward, and kind of sweet. But mostly just awkward.

Crackhead Stephanie being the only sane person in the courtroom. When she's the voice of reason, you're in trouble.

Spencer being the biggest drama king ever and waiting until the last minute to ask Heidi if she was okay with getting married in court. What a novel idea. I'm sure that judge was thrilled to have to deal with this three ring circus.

So, another Hills season has come to a close. Who's in for The City next week? I don't think I have it in me. Ugh, I must be getting old.

A-Rod kicked to the curb already?

Reports are surfacing that Maddie has found herself a studly young Brazilian named Jesus. Seriously.

Hmmm.....A-Rod's wandering eye get him in trouble already? Or did he show up to brunch one day without his Kabbalah bracelet? You know Maddie won't stand for either.

Now if we could only kick him to another team....Merry Christmas to ME!

What a week

John Krasinski and Emily Blunt first photos together. They shall now be known as Bluntski. LOVE THEM!

SAG noms. I really want to see Kate Winslet sweep every and all awards. Long overdue.

Celebrity Rehab finale. I will watch today as it snows and snows and snows. Ugh. Spring '09, I'm looking at you longingly.

Yanks introduce CC and AJ.

My head is spinning and I can feel the pea soup coming up. Time for a nap.

The Piv better watch himself

Oh, Jeremy Piven.

He was working it on Broadway in Speed the Plow during his Entourage hiatus. People were impressed and it was considered a success.

Now he has dropped out and flown back to LA, citing a high level of mercury in his system.

Is 'mercury' the new code for 'cocktails?' Jeremy's party hard ways are no secret in Hollywood. He loves the drink, the ladies, and a good hair piece. Will be interesting to see if this turns into something scandalous or not.

I'm sure he'll be just fine for the Golden Globes next month. Just a hunch.

J Lo and Marc Anthony over?

Are they still relevant? Were they ever?

US Weekly has J on the cover with the headline, 'The Ring is Off!' Mmmhmm.

Seems the Mrs. went to the Benji Button premiere without her wedding ring. An oversight? Doubtful. J seems too calculated for that. Especially since she looked stunning on that particular red carpet. She knew there would be paps and press and she's been in the business long enough to know how to draw some attention.

So, the question then becomes, did she send Marc a message by not wearing her ring or was she just trying to get the media talking about her?

Well played, J. Well played.

ETA: The two were spotted at dinner in NYC last night, with J sporting her rock. And I don't mean Marc Anthony!

Stay tuned.

The Hills

More hijinx from the worst "reality" on television:

Only one episode left before next week's finale. What will be the big season ender? Hmmm...until we figure it out, let's get on with tonight's ep.

The Mexican sunlight really adds a different element to the gross fuzz that is on Spencer's face.

Doesn't Lauren look a shade too Oompa Loompa?

Did you catch the car parked outside Audrina's house? It was very Ghostbusters-esque. I'm hoping it's Justin Bobby's ride, just because it would be so fitting.

Can the finale musical guest match the past live Hills event performances of Mimi Carey and Usher? Ha, here's hoping.

Brody better not get too handsy with Whitney, or Aussie NYC werewolf will have some words for him.

Spencer's proposal sounded more like a stalker note than a romantic profession of love. What a psycho.

And what girl doesn't want to down tequila shots to convince her to get married the following day? This is what dreams are made of people.

Lauren starts up with the waterworks at lunch with Whitney. She cries alot. Good thing she still has the jumbo sunglasses to cover the tears.

I can't believe that chapel didn't disintegrate the minute Spencer stepped inside of it.

Now we have to see Pratt wedding #2 next week? Ugh, spare me.

John Taylor, please don't look old tonight

I'm seeing Duran Duran tonight. Jealous? You should be!

I love Duran Duran. Sue me. They were my life in the 80s because they made weird videos and had ridiculous hair and Nick Rhodes was the first guy I ever saw wear makeup (which is probably why I didn't bat an eyelash while seeing dudes at Emerson College wear eyeliner or even wear a dress if the mood were to strike). Thanks, Nick Rhodes.

John Taylor was my favorite. Cute and played an instrument and wasn't a limelight whore (uh, Simon). So, tonight I will see him and hopefully be far enough away to not see that he has aged, a lot, which would make me feel old and cranky and remind me that I have aged, A LOT. Ugh.

Of course, I'm hoping that before the show I will win millions at a slot machine. Then I can buy a few rounds and everyone will look young and I can sit with John after the show and discuss plastic surgery.

Someone buy Jennifer Connolly a burger

Or, if she's a vegetarian like me, a few pints of Ben & Jerry's. Girlfriend is thin. Like scary thin.

She was on Letterman Monday night to promote The Day the Earth Stood Still. The minute she walked out on stage I said, "Holy s***, she's skinny." True story.

The last time she looked this thin to me was when she won the Oscar for A Beautiful Mind. She was gaunt. Her boyfriend had just dumped her (nice one, Josh Charles. Ugh.) and she looked like she hadn't slept/eaten in months.

I haven't heard rumblings of trouble in her marriage to Paul Bettany. She did, however, admit to Dave that her father had passed away recently. Perhaps she is just someone that deals with stress/grief by not eating. I hope that is it and am sorry for her loss.

I will eat enough for both of us throughout the day, I'm sure.

The Day the Earth Stood Still opens Friday.

The Hills

It's a holiday miracle! An on time recap was in my inbox this morning. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

Please pay very close attention to the 2nd sentence of this recap. Speaks volumes, doesn't it?

First of all, I plead sickness for depriving you of your weekly dose of recapping goodness last week. As for the other times I've missed a post in the past, well I just plead laziness.

DVF. It's finally time for Whitney to break out her printed wrap dresses, Diane von Furstenberg (and Whit's very own NYC-based spin off) is calling.

The Conrads are moving out of Laguna Beach. The end of an era.

"Go be a nun. Join like...a nun's thing." Another intelligent nugget from Mr. Spencer Pratt.

The commercial they showed for The City doesn't exactly make me about to die with anticipation for the premiere. New (surely annoying) skinny friends/frenemies: check. Dirty Aussie boyfriend: check. Lots of taxis: check check. And don't even get me started on Brody's show, Bromance. Seriously, MTV? Someone sanctioned this name?

I wish when Lauren went home to pack up her Laguna bedroom, the younger sister that was on one of the bad Laguna seasons was there. I'd love to see what she's up to nowadays.

Did Whitney go into the interview knowing she was gonna get the gig? Since DVF let the MTV cameras into their office in the first place, wouldn't that kind of be a tip off?

Lauren and Lo on the Laguna cliffside, saying their final goodbye to the Conrad manse. I couldn't love it more.

The big question for next week: can I watch the Montag-Pratt nuptials without throwing up?

James Fallon in small doses

Apparently that's how most people like him.

I, however, am a Jimmy fan and hope that he does well when he takes over Conan O'Brien's spot next year (when Conan takes over for Jay Leno - Thank God. Ugh. Jay is the worst).

Starting tonight, Jimmy will be posting video blogs on nbc.com. They will be five minutes long and appear at 12:35 am. Not sure what Jimmy will be doing (I've always loved his song parodies, so fingers crossed), but I am curious to see what he brings to the table.

I am a huge Conan fan and hope that he finds a bigger audience when he takes over The Tonight Show. Jimmy will have a great lead-in and I hope he can make his quirkiness work for a late night tv audience.

Best of luck to you, Jimmy.

The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2008

Barbara Walters has a list and a tv special to boot. I agree with Michael Phelps and Tina Fey. I mean, I was enthralled by the Olympics (a first for me) and how long Michael's arms are. And need I say more about the genius of Tina Fey? Adore her.

And since we can (fairly) safely assume that our next President will be #1, I can say that is a good and obvious choice.

But the rest of Barbara's list? Just stop. Tom Cruise? Really, Babs? Uh...as I said to my friend Scott last night, Tom hasn't been fascinating since Top Gun (and now, years later, long after my crush on him has died a humble death, I realize that the reason Tom looked so confident and happy in that film was because of the volleyball scene. That scene made his life because of all the shirtless dudes he was surrounded by). You know he and Kelly McGillis did not get along, right?

Rush Limbaugh? No. Miley Cyrus? Ugh. Frank Langella? I know he's getting buzz for Frost/Nixon, but is he fascinating? Sorry, Frank. The dude that keeps getting pregnant? Yawn.

Here is my own list of the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2008:

10. The woman from QVC that is always shown on The Soup. Thanks to Scott for that fascinating entry that I couldn't agree with more.
9. The writers of Prison Break. Man, what are they smoking?
8. Minka Kelly. She went from John Mayer (gag) to Derek Jeter and she gets paid to smooch on Taylor Kitsch. Do tell, Minka.
7. Kathy Griffin's mom. After the loss of her husband, she is just as strong and vibrant as ever. She loves the gays and a box of wine, and gave birth to one of the funniest people to ever live. Kudos.
6. My cat. She is very picky about her litter brand and will turn her nose if she doesn't like her dry food. Feline diva!
5. Keri Russell. Lives a quiet life in Brooklyn with her husband and son, and has come into her own on stage and in film. And I have A LOT of questions/comments about Felicity.
4. John Krasinski. Tall. Funny. Cute. Smart. Even made his Unibomber look work for an upcoming movie. Impressive.
3. Hilary Clinton. Presidential hopeful. Secretary of State. She had my vote and I'm confident she will do quite well in the new Administration.
2. Tina Fey. Wife, mother, former Head Writer of SNL, creator of 30Rock, Emmy winner, Palin impersonator, genius.
1. Barack Obama. Gives hope at a time when it is in short supply. Makes me look forward to January for the first time in years.

Barbara's special airs this Thursday at 10:00 on ABC. Mine exists in my mind.

A new month brings little surprise

Last I checked, there was a new episode of The Hills last night. While watching Britney's harrowing documentary on Sunday night (gag), I saw commercials showing LC and Audrina finally sitting down to 'chat' over the whole JB/LC mess.

So, imagine my surprise (or not!) while checking my inbox this morning. No review of last night's episode from Diva. Hmmmm....where was she? Chasing criminals along the Inner Harbor? Throwing back shots while watching Monday Night Football? Sleeping? Doing drugs?

I hope to have an answer soon and will break in with a special update when I get word. Stay tuned!

In other news, WTF is going on with Prison Break? And is anyone else distressed over the lack of chemistry this season between Michael and Dr. Sara? Something is amiss.

A time to give thanks

I'd like to take a moment from my hectic schedule of snarking and loathing to thank all of my loyal readers for their unending support of this blog. Without you I would be nothing! Really.

Okay, that's a lie. But sometimes a lie is much better than the truth. And the truth is that we live in troubled times. The economy is in turmoil, retail and home sales are at their lowest in decades, Pushing Daisies has been cancelled, and the season of being forced together with family is upon us. It's really too much to think about while sober. So, let's raise a glass and pop some pills.

Or something.

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all.

The Hills

The Diva is here with a pre-Thanksgiving recap:

I'll assume that because Spencer and Heidi eloped, I can return my previously purchased wedding gift. But in the meantime, let's get started with tonight's episode.

Has Audrina's work friend finally reached her breaking point with Audrina's latest show of tears over the supposed Lauren-J.Bobby hook-up? She couldn't come up with much to say to console Audrina and her hug was half-hearted at best. I don't know how she's lasted this long.

As Lauren is calling Audrina crazy and making fun of Justin Bobby's minimal showering, you know Lo is thinking "Finally, I can have Lauren all back to myself now. Next on my list: world domination." Insert wicked laugh here.

So Heidi has lost her office and has been banished to the land of cubicles at Bolthouse. Boo hoo. It's nice to see her recent firing and re-hiring hasn't stopped her from having personal visits/unnecessary conversations at work. Don't know how Bolthouse let that gem go the first time.

It's no secret that I have never been a Justin Bobby fan, but I want to thank him for shutting Audrina up and telling her what I was practically screaming at the TV: You're an idiot!

Wait, what was that exchange between Heidi and Spencer? It didn't make sense. I mean, most of their time on this show doesn't make sense, but this really didn't make sense.

It was partly the lighting at the club, and partly her stone cold stare, but Audrina looked like one crazy chick when she confronted Lauren (again) about the rumors. I was scared she was gonna completely lose it and start flipping over tables and go for Lo's hair and...it was gonna get real messy. Not tonight, but maybe next week. Until then, Happy Thanksgiving!

Speidi marries

Surprisingly, they eloped. Hmmmm.....that seems odd, doesn't it?

They can't walk and chew gum without calling the paps.

According to Perez, Us Weekly will have the exclusive photos.

Run, don't walk! Ugh.

Not surprised. At. All.

Ashlee Simpson finally popped out a little boy. His name? Bronx Mowgli Wentz.

I was hoping for Lip Sync.

Ugh. These two.

I need a drink.

New Couple Alert

John Krasinski and Emily Blunt.

Love it!

I'm sure we'll get a "We're just friends" statement any day now (seeing as it was his and Rashida's 'go to' for years), but it would be nice to see a pic of them together because the world needs one more gorgeous couple. No, really. It hasn't yet met it's quota.

If you have some time on your hands, and you want a good laugh, go to any John Krasinski messageboard and see how people freak out over his personal life. It's hilarious. Not since the glory days of the Fametracker messageboard that got into heated debates over the Michael/Jennifer/Ben triangle, have there been so many opinions to make me laugh/make me fear humanity.

People's Sexiest Man Alive

Gah. Still hate the word 'sexy.' However, I do agree with their choice of Hugh Jackman. Love him.

The man is working overtime in the press department for Australia. BY THE WAY, WHY WAS NICKY KIDMAN CAST IN THIS MOVIE???? Baz Luhrmann, stop loving her. Her immovable forehead is just ridiculous and Naomi Watts would have been better. I bet she and Hugh would have had great chemistry. Or give me Kate Winslet with an Australian accent she could have mastered. Her forehead moves. Naomi's forehead moves. Nicole's....used to.

In other news, Brad and Cate Blanchett on Opes today. You know Aniston is fuming.

The Hills

Another episode of mayhem that begs to be broken down and snarked on:

Is Whitney so busy using up all her cell phone minutes chatting away with the gross Australian that she can't find the time to brush her hair? I expect so much more from you Whit. Where has the undying poise from seasons past gone?

J. Bobby enjoys roaming around Venice Beach's boardwalk. Ah yes, that makes so much sense. He actually seems normal in the middle of that scene.

How did these two idiots (I'm talking about Heidi and Spencer, NOT the Aftershow hosts for once) score a guest spot on How I Met Your Mother? CBS should be ashamed.

Don't you get the feeling that Lauren is totally pitying Audrina whenever she talks about her relationship (I'm using that term in the loosest sense) with JB? How long do we give it before she finally just smacks Audrina out of it?

Sam, who is like Brent Bolthouse but more Dr. Evil-ish, called Heidi smart. Huh. I'm stunned.

Lauren plus a funky hat equals an extra dose of sass. Stephanie learned that firsthand.

Lo returns! It's been too long.

Heidi, of course Spencer's the problem. How has it taken you this long to say it out loud?!?

I wonder if Rev Run knows Justin Bobby stole his hat to wear to dinner with Audrina.

Next week, we get to see the "truth" behind the Justin Bobby/Lauren/Audrina love triangle rumors from a few months ago. Say it isn't so, Lauren!

Too cute, too annoying, too sad

The puppies! Oh my gosh, the puppies. I am not a dog person, but the webcam of the Shiba Inu puppies has me hooked. So adorable. And hilarious. Love when they are all huddled together asleep, but THE BEST is when they are playing and jumping on each other and kicking each other in the face (with love!). Hilarious.

I love Paul Rudd. Plain and simple. A fact. Paul hosted SNL this weekend. Some good stuff mixed in with some mediocre stuff. Then there was just horrifying stuff. That's where Justin comes in. Ugh. Timberlake invaded SNL. First on Weekend Update and then in a skit (with Beyonce, no less). Ugh x 2. Seriously, they are two people on my list of "People That I Fear Getting Trapped In An Elevator With For Even A Minute." Don't invade Paul Rudd's hosting gig, JT! You are not cool enough to do that. Ever. The only redeeming quality of his skit was seeing his ease in wearing heels. Uh huh.

I am excited to be attending the 2nd Annual Adrienne Shelly Foundation Fundraising Gala tonight in NY, but saddened that such a tragic event was the impetus for the Foundation. Adrienne Shelly was a writer/director/actor that was murdered two years ago this month by a man trying to steal money from her purse. His defense for strangling her to death was that he was "having a bad day." Terrific. Adrienne left behind her husband and two children, as well as a film community that loved her deeply. Celebrities, including some of the cast of her hit film, Waitress, will be on hand tonight to perform tributes to her. Please check out the Adrienne Shelly Foundation for more information.

Jennifer Aniston on Oprah

It will air today. Are you ready?

NO?

Me, either. That's why I won't watch. I have a cold and I'm annoyed enough. Don't need the cheesefest of Jenny and Opes. I prefer Opes on 30 Rock when she can sit beside Tina and play along for laughs. That is the best Oprah.

The Up-Jenny's-Ass-And-Oh-Isn't-She-The-Best-And-How-Did-You-Survive-Your-Divorce-With-Great-Hair-And-How-Often-Do-You-Exercise-To-Look-Like-That Opes I can live without.

THAT Oprah doesn't have the balls to ask Jen why on earth she would go back to John Mayer.

I bet Gayle would ask.

When Cruz is classier than mommy

Uh, like every day.

So, Vicki Beckham took adorable little Cruz Beckham to The Grove on Tuesday. There were paparazzi (of course) and Vicki was sporting a Forest Green mini and killer Christian Louboutin boots and OH MY GOSH, Vicki, can you ever not dress like a fembot when out in public?

I know you want everyone to know that not eating is giving you the body you've always wanted. You know, where there is no difference between your thigh and calf and your leg just looks like one long stick? Ugh. And those fake breasts on that tiny frame? Ridiculous. And disturbing. And her purses weigh more than her and it's really all too much. Just stop and eat and come to terms with the fact that David is a guy and he will look at other women (LA Laker cheerleaders) and whatever, because he comes home to you and your kids are way too cute and enjoy your life.

Thankfully, Cruz classed the trip up with his fun designer shades and Santa hat. He looked like he was dressed to make a cameo on Bindi Irwin's animal show, but that just makes everyone love him more. Like me.

Mission accomplished, little Cruz!

More Hills Hijinx

The Diva has fulfilled her obligations for two weeks straight. I noted it in my wish book.

Whitney almost pulled a Britney getting out of that NYC taxi. You know what I'm talking about. If she's living in the city now, she should work on her technique.

Heidi is looking for a new job after getting fired, and Spencer...is still loafing around their apartment for a living.

Ew, male models. Ew. I didn't exactly see any Tyson Beckfords walking that runway.

The "Serenader" (not a cool nickname) is g-ross if you ask me. Just getting a weird/unshowered vibe from him.

Look at Brent Bolthouse laying the smackdown on Spencer. FINALLY. I've been waiting for someone to do it for years.

So Whitney and her toothpick legs are working that bar hard, huh? Do we feel bad for Alex? I can't decide.

Okay, now I've decided to feel bad for Alex! Whit didn't even say goodbye to him. I didn't think she had it in her.

When your career is in the toilet...

...some retail therapy is in order.

The lovable Lindsay Lohan and BFF/gal pal/sneaker-loving dj/girlfriend Sam Ronson were spotted at XIV Karats LTD in Beverly Hills yesterday. Linds left with a huge rock (not of coke) on her right hand.

Good to see that in this economy, Linds can be counted on to keep jewelers in business. Such a giver.

How the hell does she manage to shop frivolously, while working occasionally? I want to do that!

Well, minus the shopping. I'd like to nap more, honestly.

Quite a threesome

Brit and Justin will be performing with Madonna at Dodger Stadium tonight. Say what? It's true.

Justin will perform 4 Minutes and Brit will perform Human Nature.

I have a friend who will be attending tonight's extravaganza, so I can hear all the gory details later. I have a feeling Jessica Biel will be in attendance tonight, as well. Just a hunch.

While that takes place across the country, I will perform my The Office dance and enjoy my favorite night of tv. Seriously, The Office, 30 Rock, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Sarah Silverman Program, and Tim Gunn's Guide to Style are an amazing tv lineup.

It's Thursday, bitch.

Who is better then Kate Winslet?

No one. Seriously.

The youngest actress to earn five Oscar nominations can be seen on the cover of the new Vanity Fair looking fierce. Like crazy. Of course, I think Kate looked beautiful in Titanic, even though jackass and Titanic director James Cameron allegedly took to calling her Kate "weighs-a-lot" on set. SHUT UP, James Cameron!

Looking forward to Kate reteaming with Leo in this Fall's Revolutionary Road. In the article, Kate talks about her close friendship with Leo and how she suggested him for the male lead. Sam Mendes, the director of the film (& Kate's husband, talks about how he respects their friendship and really wanted them to use it to their advantage when collaborating on screen.

And to all of the haters over in England giving Kate crap about how she must have been airbrushed....relax. Everyone knows there is some degree of airbrushing in every photoshoot. In a 2003 shoot for Britain's GQ, Kate admitted that the photos had been digitally enhanced to make her look much slimmer than she was. She claimed not to be mad at the magazine, but wanted people to know she was not really that thin.

In a culture that is obsessed with being thin and "marketable," it was refreshing to say the least.

Love ya, Kate.

"Let it just happen, and see what happens."

Well, look at this Election Day surprise! Someone has sobered up long enough to grace us with a recap of The Hills. And, from the sound of it, Justin Bobby is still smoking something funny.

So Audrina is saying adios to roommate life and moving into her own place. Lauren and Lo will probably not notice since it seems like they've been living their own lives in the main house since the three moved in together.

I still don't understand how Heidi is put in charge of anything at work. How can you give someone with such frequent blank stares so much responsibility?

Audrina asks J.Bobby to move in with her. His response is the vague, nonsensical title of this post. He is such a charmer.

Is that LA Ink's #1 patron that Audrina is showing around her new house? Holy tattoos.

There is way too much shrieking coming out of Heidi at the club opening. Looks like tequila raises her voice about three octaves.

As an Aftershow aside, why do those hosts wear a headset and talk into a microphone at the same time? Not that this should be their biggest worry. Have you seen their wardrobes? Someone gets paid to put those looks together. What a travesty.

Wow, I did not see Heidi's firing coming. Brent really laid down the law. Now that Heidi's been let go from Bolthouse, she'll have more time to focus on her music. World, start investing in earplugs.

All hail Pink

John Mayer told her "I only shag really stupid women."

Her response?

"I guess they would have to be."

Thank you, Pink!

John, what happened to you? So tragic. Maniston is a joke of epic proportions.

Saw Changeling yesterday. Harrowing. My Mother was not too impressed by Ange, though. On the way home she said, "She was fine, but I don't think she was Oscar-worthy."

Team Aniston, anyone?

Oy.

On a different note, anyone else curious as to whether or not we will get a recap of The Hills tomorrow? Let's see if our resident diva can find the time in her busy schedule.

The Seinfeld's have nothing better to do

So they are now helping Madge and A-Rod stay undercover from the paps.

Reports have surfaced that A-Madge took separate private helicopters to hang at the Hamptons mansion owned by Jerry and his wife, Jessica. What a fun foursome! I'm sure they played the Seinfeld version of the game "Scene It."

Gag.

I don't see Madge being tight with Jerry, but weirder things have happened in the world of celebrity. Also, isn't Jerry a Mets fan? What is he doing voluntarily spending time with A-Rod? What is ANYONE doing voluntarily spending time with A-Rod?

These are the important questions, everyone!

Also, Happy Halloween. Not sure what to be this year? Just stick a "Hi, My Name is" name tag on your shirt and write "Dave."

Someone is wreaking havoc on the DWTS set

Is Cloris that pissed about getting the boot? What about Karina? She looked irate when she and Rocco were voted off a few weeks ago.

Someone is brewing some evil spells on the set of Dancing with the Stars, because a 2nd dancer, Lacey Schwimmer, has been diagnosed with endometriosis. This comes days after Julianne Hough announced she would undergo an appendectomy related to the condition.

I can see Susan Lucci digging deep into her Erica Kane persona and 'accidentally' pulling hair from fellow contestants to create spells that would sideline them. If anyone knows how to stop someone dead in their tracks, it's Erica Kane. She'll cut a bitch.

So far, no word on whether Lacey will have to be replaced with another dancer. Oh my gosh, they should totally get Darrin Henson, who made that video "Darrin's Dance Grooves" that I always used to see on MTV. Or, maybe Lacey's partner, Lance Bass, can make a call to Britney to fill in. I would love them to recreate her 'Oops, I Did It Again' video, complete with cheesy dialogue between Brit and the astronaut.

Sue me, I used to watch videos.

Joaquin is over it

Joaquin Phoenix announced in a red carpet interview that he is retiring in order to work on his music.

Uh...congrats?

The two-time Oscar nominee will (last?) be seen in the upcoming Two Lovers with Gwynnie Paltrow. Well, that might be your answer right there. Gwynnie must be exhausting to work with.

Oh, Merrill from Signs! I also enjoyed him in Return to Paradise with Vince Vaughn and Anne Heche. Depressing movie, but I believe I saw it for free during the Boston days, so I'm sure I bought candy afterwards to take the edge off. And, of course, his portrayal of Johnny Cash in Walk the Line was mesmerizing and earned him and Oscar nomination.

And what is this I'm hearing about him spending time with ex Liv Tyler? Truth and time will tell if that rekindles.

Best of luck to Joaquin in whatever he does. The poor man had his brother die in his arms. He deserves happiness.

And I'd like to thank loyal reader, Erin, and loyal diva, Jessica, for their comments.

Funny that there is no recap of The Hills today. Hmmmm....

It's the same old song

Breaking news out of Baltimore: The Hills recapper, Jessica, is back to her diva ways.

Shocked? Didn't think so.

After jet-setting to Miami for a long weekend, the disgraced recapper has halted efforts to rebuild her tarnished image by choosing baseball over recaps. Interesting. Last I checked, she was a Yankees fan. Sadly, the Yankees are not in the World Series this year.

That didn't stop someone from saying "Later!" (in her best Lo Bosworth voice) to a new episode of The Hills in favor of watching Game 5 between the Phillies and Rays last night.

A loyal reader, who asked to remain nameless, wrote that she saw Recapper Jessica at a local Baltimore bar after 10pm, enjoying the high life. Said reader also overheard Recapper Jessica laughing and saying, "Maybe I'll get to the recap tomorrow. Maybe not. We'll see."

Someone is drunk with power.

If anyone else has a spotting that they would like to share, I encourage you to do so. I think it is time to expose Recapper Jessica as the heartless diva that fame from a regular Tuesday blog spot has turned her into.

Stay tuned.

Little Amy popped

Congrats to Amy Poehler and her husband, Will Arnett, on the birth of their son, Archie.

Amy gave birth on Saturday, causing her to miss SNL. I hope she can make one final appearance before she, Will, and Archie move out to Cali for her new comedy series on NBC.

Speaking of SNL, Chris Martin is annoying. He and Gwynnie are so perfect together.

Someone from Gossip Girl hospitalized

This one is for The Hills recapper, Jessica, who is a huge GG fan.

A slight blonde girl, Taylor Momsen, was hospitalized for a "potentially life-threatening" illness at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center on Sunday, but was released yesterday in good spirits. Hmmm....

Taylor plays Jenny Humphrey on the popular CW show.

Take a look at before and after photos of Taylor when you get a chance. Girl looks gaunt and dead behind her eyes now. Not a good look on anyone, but she is only 15. Yikes.

I watched the pilot last year and quickly dismissed it. Spoiled brats running around NY with stank attitudes and designer clothes does nothing for me. Yawn. And I'm still creeped out by Chuck Bass. That hair and smarm is ghastly.

XOXO Celebrity Skewer

How do you spell desperate?

J-E-N-N-I-F-E-R A-N-I-S-T-O-N.

Girl, please.

First, back with Mayer. Now, rumors swirling that the real reason for the reunion is that she is pregnant.

Say it ain't so!

Her publicist denies it, but I'm wary. Good ole' Liz Rosenberg denied there were any problems and definitely not a divorce in sight for Madge and Guy. Uh-huh.

Oh, Maniston.

The Hills and some other thoughts

I've been really busy at work and haven't been updating on all that is happening in the world of entertainment. I hate multi-tasking, so I'll blame that. Or, that I am so distraught over the Guy/Madge divorce that I haven't been able to sleep, eat, or think properly. Which should I go with?

Anyway, let's get on with this week's installment of the The Hills recap:

So, pure laziness kept me from posting a recap of last week's episode. I basically only had two real comments anyway: 1. Audrina is clearly an avid skinnydipper (which we should've figured) and 2. Lauren should never experiment with hats again.

Tonight, we're in Cabo for Brody's birthday extravaganza. Let's get started.

Isn't Lo noticeably missing from this trip? She should be frolicking in the ocean like the other girls. Where is she?

Thanks to Doug, the wise sage, for sharing his knowledge in the hot tub with the boys. PS, four dudes in a hot tub...?

I see Justin's going for the greaser John Travolta hairstyle while on vacay. Interesting.

What is the combined IQ of the girls Doug ushered into the house? I don't think there are any doctors in that group.

Who is more orange, Stephanie or Heidi? I think Heidi wins tonight.

I don't want to see Spencer stretching after a workout. Or ever.

I'm beyond over the Audrina-Justin Bobby storyline. Will we ever be free of JB? Judging from next week's scenes, it doesn't look like it.

Is everyone excited to catch the sneak peek of Whitney's new show during the after show? Eh, I'm not. Maybe I'll catch it on YouTube.

Maddie and Guy are over

Official word came from Maddie's mouthpiece, Liz Rosenberg, that the two are divorcing after 7 1/2 years of marriage.

Surprised? Not really. Rumors have swirled for quite some time and I think the most telling sign was how little time they were actually spending together. It seemed that they were already living separate lives.

Now comes the settlement, which I expect will take a while. Madge is reported to be worth over 500 million. Guy....less than that.

A-Rod, stay away.

Maniston redux

Really, Jen?

Someone is having a meltdown from all of the Brange coverage.

Can't wait for John's blogging about the big second chance and how they just couldn't live without each other.

I smell desperation on both sides.

Brad shoots Angie for W Magazine

With a camera, folks. With a camera.

You can see some of the pics from the portfolio online. Stunning. Brad demanded special film that people had to go through hoops (and fly to other countries) to get.

The results are quite beautiful. Angie does not look like she just gave birth a few weeks ago to twins. It's very annoying.

There is also an interview with Angie in the magazine where she talks about Brad's love for Zahara and Maddox being the catalyst for her wanting to get pregnant.

I'm thinking this is an issue Aniston will skip.

Let J and Jay make you over

The CW has ordered a pilot of Operation Fabulous, a new makeover show starring Miss J and Jay Manuel of America's Next Top Model. Tyra will be an executive producer.

The concept is for the two to travel the country and give women makeovers. In some towns, five participants will be chosen to have complete transformations: clothes, hair, and makeup.

I'll give it a shot, because I do love What Not to Wear and Tim Gunn's Guide to Style. I don't watch ANTM, but I have seen the two judge celebrities on E!'s Fashion Police. Get out your claws, because they are C-A-T-T-Y. Meow. I'm sure they will have to reign it in on this show.

Or, maybe they won't and people will tune in to see how many women they make cry per episode. You know Tyra would love that.

Lauren Bacall can get away with this

The woman has been around the block, seen the craziness of Hollywood for decades, and knows from whacked-out. So it should come as no surprise that she thinks Tom Cruise is a "maniac." HA! Preach it, sister!

Ms. Bacall was interviewed for the current Elle Magazine profile on Nicole Kidman and talked about how unhappy Nic was while they filmed the movie Dogville together in 2003...two years after the Cruise/Kidman marriage bit the dust. Hmmm....Nic was still unhappy two years later? Was it about Tom or was it about Eyes Wide Shut? I am still deeply troubled by the fact that I spent money on that piece of crap. And the piano score? STOP IT! Gave me a migraine. What a nightmare.

But enough about me.

LB also says she "can't understand the way he conducts his life." You and me, both. I mean, what's with the shoe lifts and making Katie get that boyish haircut? Yikes. And I hear that he doesn't let Suri play with other kids. That's healthy. Maybe Rule #1 of being the poster child of Scientology is that you can't have friends. Poor Suri.

I'm just as dumb as my sister, y'all!

Star Magazine is reporting that little country bumpkin (and complete idiot), Jamie Lynn Spears, is pregnant again.

Damn! Girl just popped out little Maddie three months ago.

I really hope this isn't true. The world isn't ready for another Spears breakdown-in-the-making.

Everyone hide their umbrellas and keep Jamie Lynn away from the salons!

Drinks are Harmless

Lo Bosworth you're so innocent, so unassuming.

Drinks are full of harm. Tonight's episode showed us that alcoholic beverages make Audrina's latest boytoy turn into a giddy schoolgirl. Although they don't seem to have any affect on Lo's ability to roll her eyes while looking completely disinterested in those she's having conversations with. Okay, so not so harmful. Yet.

Why did Heidi sign her full name at the end of her "apology" letter to Lauren? If she had just signed it 'Heidi', do you think Lauren would've been lost as to who it was from?

Poolside Audrina seemed more with it than normal. I'm sure it was only temporary and she'll return to stupidity soon enough.

How much does Justin Bobby rake in for every episode? I'm thinking that he hangs out with Audrina just so he can make some cash.

How much did Spencer look like a serial killer in the final scene tonight? Frightening. Just...frightening.

SNL all over this mess

Did you watch the debate last night? I did. Well, the first hour of it. Then I had to TiVo It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia because that show is hilarious and Holla! to all of my Philly readers. I'm thinking the Phillies will sweep. And you?

Well, as I was tabulating how many times Gov. Palin used the work 'heck,' SNL was busy planning a VP debate sketch for this Saturday. Sources have confirmed to People Magazine that Queen Latifah has been booked to play last night's moderator, Gwen Ifill. Love it. All hail the Queen! And all hail Tina Fey, who will have to be back for her spot on impersonation of Gov. Palin. Classic.

Anne Hathaway hosts and The Killers are the musical guest.

And I would like to give a shout out (like, from the 90s) to Celebrity Skewer reader, Erin. She is friends with resident Diva and The Hills Recapper, Jessica. The two are aspiring wedding planners, don't you know? I expect their clientele to be high profile and for an invite to be extended to me. No pressure, though.

And, if the pieces fall nicely into place, they will one day be planning my wedding to a Mr. John Krasinski.

Let's hope it's the one from The Office.

Brange in NYC

The Newmaniums's (ha!) Brady Bunch arrived in New York last night as Angie prepares for the premiere of her Oscar-buzzworthy new film, The Changeling.

All seems right in the world when the couple that just can't stop having kids settles back in the US for a quick visit. My sinuses seem more controlled and there is a definite spring in my step. Brange heals all ills.

Or is it just the uppers I've been popping? Hmmmm?

Anyway, rumors have been swirling for weeks that Angie is not doing well after giving birth to Knox and Vivienne in July. Postpartum depression seems to have a hold on her and is making her life a living hell.

Or could it be the fact that she has 6 kids under the age of 7? Good gracious, I need a nap just thinking about dealing with Maddox's jealousy issues. I wonder if anyone has been written on in permanent marker "by accident" yet...hmmmm? Maddox looks like he doesn't play around and may cut someone if his sleep patterns are disturbed by crying babies.

I hear ya, Mad. Babies are the worst.

Best of luck on surviving in the Big Apple! Brad, meet me at Bungalow 8 tonight.

300th post

P-A-R-T-Y!

Wow, I don't really do much work at work, do I? 300 posts? Yikes. Don't rat on me, IT Department!

Who to thank? Let's see...in no particular order, I'd like to thank the following: myself, my cat, John Krasinski, Derek Jeter, Ben, Jerry, all forms of chocolate, Recapper Jessica, Tim Gunn, celebrities doing stupid things, Franklin from Arrested Development, Larry Mullen, Jr. and his undying love for me, vacation days, David Letterman, internet access at work, Hootie, TiVo, and YOU, my loyal reader(s).

Hopefully I'll have a job for another 300 posts.

The Hills

I've been seeing alot of actual celebrities speak out about The Hills as of late. Both Charlize Theron and America Ferrara have said they just don't get the show. I'll be sure to send them the link to this recap. I'm sure that will change their minds.

Not like I should make fun of anyone's workout habits, but what's up with Lauren's weak punches with her trainer at the gym? I know she's too busy gossiping to focus, but I'm pretty sure I could take her down without a problem.

Stephanie can't even come up with an excuse for hanging out with Doug. It's painful that she can't come up with anything to say to Lauren.

Heidi's mom, Darlene, seems just as shocked with Spencer's ridiculous behavior as I have been this entire season. Her face reads two things: 1. my daughter's boyfriend is an ass and 2. my daughter has had way too much plastic surgery.

Stephanie is a lying freakshow. She deleted Doug's number? Apparently not since they're out to dinner and having a DVD night. And who calls it that in the first place? Lame.

"If she cries, she cries." Brody clearly won't be holding back around Stephanie at Doug's BBQ.

It's Darlene vs. Spencer at the outdoor cafe. Watch out innocent passersby. This could start getting ugly.

Uh oh, here comes Audrina's boobs again.

I appreciate Whitney's poolside sass. She reminds me of myself in this instance.

That's a nice shrine Doug has built for himself in his house.

Lauren isn't putting up with Stephanie's tears anymore. She took her sheer cover up and stomped right outta there.

Is this the absolute end of the Stephanie Pratt era? We'll have to stay tuned to find out.

ScarJo says "I do"

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds were married on Saturday evening in Canada.

Yes, Hollywood couples, it is possible to marry without everyone in the world knowing about it and you having to complain that paparazzi ruined your special day.

When John Krasinski and I walk down the aisle, I expect there to be little fanfare as well. Could that have something to do with him not knowing about my plans? Possibly.

Best of luck to the happy couple!

Alanis, I suggest a valium and some booze. Plus, he won't be able to sustain that body forever. Will Scarlett love him without those abs? Doubtful.

Well worth the wait

Let me take you back to a scenario from last May: me, sitting on my couch, eagerly anticipating Jim asking Pam to marry him while watching the fireworks at Toby's goodbye party.

Me, mouth open, blood pressure rising, as Andy steals the moment and asks Angela to marry him in front of everyone.

Me, ready to throw the tv out the window as Pam gets teary-eyed because of the non-proposal.

Me, pissed for days and weeks and months.

Last night, I went into the Season 5 premiere of The Office with caution. John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer gave pre-season interviews which lead me to believe an engagement had been put on the back burner. Jim actually had a talking head in the beginning of the episode about how he and Pam decided to wait until she returned from Pratt Institute in NY. Fine. Not thrilled, but fine. I had to accept it.

Or did I?

Well, yeah, to keep my sanity I did.

But...but....then....a rest stop, in the rain, Jim on one knee, Pam in shock, me in shock, me smiling, cat running around like a nut, rain pouring down and causing me to worry that my cable would go out, Jim proposing, Pam saying 'Yes,' the kiss, the kiss, still more kissing, Jim returning to the office for the weigh-in with a big ole' smile plastered on his face.

Uh, yeah. Thank you to the writers.

ALTHOUGH, because I've been scorned in the past, I do remember a Ms. Lorelai Gilmore asking a Mr. Luke Danes to marry her at the end of Season 5, only to have her marry stupid Christopher and then get back with Luke in the final moments of Season 7.

If we could not have a repeat of that mess, or any ridiculous "We were on a break!" talk, that would be fabulous. Truly and completely fabulous.

And a special Happy Birthday greeting to Celebrity Skewer resident Diva, Fashionista, and The Hills recapper, Jessica. Her sass and attitude have never been stronger, and her feet walking down stairs have never been louder. Long live the stumps!

Clay Aiken is gay

In other news, the economy sucks and I'm very tired.

The Diva speaks!

Someone finally found the time to throw her fans a review. Yes, the Diva herself is back with a review of The Hills. And, from the tens of thousands of emails that have flooded my inbox over the past week, you are willing to give her another chance. I'm hesitant, but willing to give the people what they want.

Okay, so I missed recapping last week's episode. I watched it a few days after it originally aired, and by that time I figured everyone was over Justin Bobby dissing Audrina and Lauren calling a mini truce with Heidi's sis. So, tonight I'm making my return to the blog with an on-time recap. Enjoy!

Audrina's face says it all: What is crazy eyes Stephanie going to unleash upon me now?

How much could Heidi and Spencer stay in when I see their outfits-gone-wrong at every event in town in the mags?

I love Lo's sunglasses. Love.

Audrina is awfully chatty with Heidi. The little twig is probably just being drunk friendly. You know Lo is taking down notes of this convo and will provide Lauren with a typed transcript the minute she returns from Italy.

Nice to see that J.B. was able to take a break from chopping down trees in the wilderness to go to the X Games party. There's no other reason for that plaid shirt, right?

If Stephanie and Doug were trying to keep their non-date dinner under the radar, maybe they shouldn't have gone to Beso. Just a thought.

Lauren's back in L.A. Ah, now all is right with the world. Stephanie, watch your back.

What will the resulting fallout be from all of this? Looks like we'll find out next week.

Joey Potter takes on Broadway

Tonight marks the Broadway debut of Mrs. Scientology herself, Katie Holmes. She stars with John Lithgow, Diane Wiest, and Patrick Wilson in Arthur Miller's All My Sons. The show is in previews until October 16th.

Jump back! Reunion of Lithgow and Wiest, who co-starred in Footloose as Lori Singer's parents. Let's party!

But back to Katie....she's very thin. And the huge sunglasses she wears when out and about in NY take me back to the days of Christina Ricci when she lost a lot of weight. She looks like a lollipop with sunglasses. Disturbing.

What does this have to do with Katie's acting? Well, nothing. If Madonna can do Broadway, I'm sure Katie can muddle her way through. John and Diane are solid actors, and Patrick Wilson is pretty cute. Uh, and he was good in Little Children. I'm sure Tom will have his eye on him during the show.

Best of luck, little Joey Potter. I hope Joshua Jackson swings by to offer his support....and a getaway plan.

Two days and counting

Recapper Jessica is a DIVA. No two ways about it.

The once plucky, spirited, and professional recapper has turned her back on her fanbase. Seems she has traded in her star-making turn as a lifeline to all The Hills fans for the horrible new version of 90210 and Monday's Gossip Girl episode. Priorities are apparently the first thing to go out the window when living the high life in Baltimore, MD. Consider that one to grow on, kids.

Instead of giving us a day-late recap, the Sassy One decided to make other tv shows her focus. LC would be fuming and relegate her to the pool house with Audrina if she knew about this nonsense.

If she should bother to EVER recap The Hills again, should we allow for it to be posted on this site? I'll leave that up to you, dear readers. I care about your opinions, unlike someone else.

In other news, the verdict is still out on the new tv show Fringe. I liked last night's episode more than last week's Pilot, but don't know if this one has legs. Joshua Jackson and Anna Torv have nice chemistry, but the quirks of the show might do it in. That father of JJ's is a handful.

Not the strongest series from J.J. Abrams by a long shot.

Letting us all down

Tuesday is usually the day when Recapper Jessica uses her attitude, sass, and grasp of the English language to explain to us what the hell we watched on any given episode of The Hills.

Well, today is Tuesday. Am I right?

My inbox was flooded this morning with rabid fans asking, "Celebrity Skewer, where is the recap of The Hills that I have come to know, love, and rely on?" Others asked the more philosophical question, "If an episode of The Hills aired, but was not reviewed by Recapper Jessica, is it still considered relevant?"

Dear readers, I don't have the answers. I wish I did, but I don't. Maybe it is our job not to ask, but to just accept that we have been let down on a cloudy Tuesday with no ray of recapped sunshine to get us through.

Oh, wait. I do have the answer: Recapper Jessica was too busy getting her drink on at a local Baltimore bar watching the Cowboys/Eagles game last night. Last I knew, she wasn't a football fan. Hmmm.....is this a cry for help? Is an intervention close at hand?

Or did she just let us down and ignore her loyal fan base?

These are the questions to ponder while we muddle through a Tuesday afternoon.

If Eva Longoria is fat....

.....then I'm a Red Sox fan.

Eva, and now her Desperate Housewives co-star, Felicity Huffman, have commented to the press that she is "just fat" and not pregnant. Uh-huh.

Please stop calling her "just fat." The woman is not fat. She has gained a few pounds for (supposedly) her role on this upcoming season of the show, which takes place five years in the future. Maybe she really is pregnant. Who knows? Or cares?

Eva will also be donning a fat suit this season, which is always funny to watch. I can still remember how much I laughed when Gwynnie donned one for Shallow Hal. What a riot! And who can forget Eddie Murphy in Norbit? How hilarious!

OH MY GOSH, STOP WITH THE FAT SUITS HOLLYWOOD.

Just stop. Enough.

And stop calling people fat, giving young girls unrealistic ideas of what a "healthy weight" is and please, please PLEASE stop Desperate Housewives from airing.

Thank you.

Also, congrats to Gwen and Gavin for celebrating their 6-year anniversary, and Tina Fey for killing me with her Sarah Palin impersonation. Liz Lemon can do no wrong.

J.Lo out, Tim Gunn in

J.Lo had to cancel her judging duties in the Project Runway finale due to a foot injury (yes, that does sound shady), so Mr. Tim Gunn will be the new guest judge for the episode.

Kudos to Tim! Can't wait to see him mix it up with Nina and Michael.

I'm sorry, but this season's contestants have been way too sassy and full of themselves. And many have let Tim's words of wisdom go in one ear and out the other. Stop with that. Tim knows fashion. He also knows when a good eye roll will send me into a fit of laughter, so I appreciate that as well.

The finale was filmed today and will air at some point. Ha!

Even the raccoons cried

You know you thought Lauren looked like one when her mascara ran last night! That was the best fake makeup of a fake fight/friendship ever. Kudos to LC and Audrina. Do I smell an Emmy in their futures?

I am trying to recover from tonight's shocking One Tree Hill, which ended just seconds before I had to switch to MTV. CW, you've done it yet again! Anyway, onto The Hills...

Audrina looks like she had a ROUGH night. Ouch.

Ew to the foot close-up. Not necessary.

I want a job where the word 'vintage-y' is part of a day's work.

Spencer is evil. No, not just evil...e-vil.

Lo gave off the 'I can't be bothered with your troubles any more, stop complaining' vibe about the Lauren/Audrina situation. Hey, she was clearly too busy drinking her Vitamin Water and surfing the 'net to care.

Lauren can't think about Audrina right now. She needs to focus on dressing crazy Lady Gaga. And homegirl looks like a handful.

I don't even know what to say about the convo at the end of tonight's show. It seems like Lauren and Audrina decided to stay friends out of spite, if that even makes sense. The whole thing was building up to them just parting ways, and then out of nowhere there was a heartfelt hug and a resolution to be friends again. We'll see how this one plays out.

There was a new episode of The Hills?

I was watching Wednesday's episode of Project Runway. So long, Stella!

I'll try to look past my excitement over Britney opening the VMA's long enough to pay attention to this special installment of The Hills.

This opening monologue has to rank as one of the most overdramatic in recent history. Cue Lauren: "...What could go wrong? EVERYTHING." I can't stand the anticipation.

Happy birthday Frankie! I don't know where you came from or what you really do, but the whole gang is in Vegas to celebrate your big day so that must mean something.

Brody, a black wife beater does not count as an actual shirt that you should wear outside of your house. Although my younger brother would say otherwise.

Spencer is so peeved over Heidi's sister crashing with them while she gets settled in L.A., he threatens to move out. So Heidi could end up with Spencer gone and her sis as her new roommate. I say to roll with it.

Lauren looks too cute on the VMA red carpet during the commercial break. I wonder if she's wearing...herself.

Looks like Holly's extensions held up just fine in Colorado. I don't know how well they'll fare the first time she's involved in her first catfight at Les Deux, though.

Lauren goes through friends faster than anyone I know. It would take alot of work to get rid of friends at the pace she's keeping.

Raise your hand if you want to know more about Stephanie's past drug problem....! At least that explains the droopy eyes.

Frankie and his words of wisdom can't stop the barrage of evil stares and eye rolls on the dance floor. Audrina, Lauren, and Lo: Three's Company they are not.

I hope someone busts Brody and Doug out of jail soon. They're too pretty to stay in the slammer.

Good thing we only have to wait a day until we'll see what will surely be the stunning conclusion of the Vegas escapades.

Hold on to your weave!

Brit is opening the VMAs this Sunday!

Although it has been confirmed by a "source" that she will not perform, the recovering no-shoes-in-gas-station-bathrooms fan will do something when the bell tolls at 9pm. Hmmmm.....give her thoughts on the political front? Discuss how she is cutting back during this struggling economy? The mind boggles!

The saddest part about this stunt is that my lame ass will be watching. Damn Sunday night tv programming for sucking!

Worse than eating a bag of Sabor de Soledad

Is finding out that Jennifer Aniston is going to guest on my beloved 30 Rock.

First Schwimmer, and now Aniston.

Look, NBC, I can't help it that their careers have hit a wall! Stop throwing them a lifeline and forcing 30 Rock to give in to ratings ploys. The show is an Emmy winner. Have faith that the core audience will come back when the new season starts (October 30th) and stop with the Friends pandering.

Did you see the last few seasons of that show? Awful.

In the immortal word of Liz Lemon, "Blergh!"

The Hills

*Recapper extraordinaire, Jessica, flew in from a jaunt to the Windy City in order to keep us up-to-date on the nonsense going on in with LC and crew. Without Recapper Jessica, we would all be lost.*

I am still recovering from a weekend of little sleep, so let's cut to the chase here:

Braids galore! I haven't braided my hair in...forever. I'd really have to perfect my skills to hang with these girls.

It was nice to see some more of Whitney, although I'm beginning to wonder more and more if she can carry her own story lines if that spin-off show ends up happening. I like her, but her vacant responses don't exactly make for thrilling television.

I threw up a little in my mouth when Spencer mentioned cuddling in bed. Talk about heebie-jeebies.

Looks like we'll get an extra Hills episode before the VMA's air on Sunday, and the gang will be heading to Vegas for some drama filled shenanigans. Hopefully I'll be back in top form by then, since the preview showed tears, arrests, and Justin Bobby. What more can you ask for?