My apologies

I haven't updated in days and I know I have let you down. I am so sorry.

HA! No I'm not. Get your own news, bitches!

Seriously, my lack of updates is not a direct result of Jamie Lynn giving birth. Zoey 101 is a mom now and I have come to terms with that. The real reason I haven't updated lately is because I am getting ready for my trip to Cali on Saturday, and I am gearing up for the live blogging I will be doing from the Hancock premiere.

If that were true, I'm sure there would be a lot of posts complaining about how I can't see because I'm short and how annoying Will Smith is in front of a crowd. I would also be wondering aloud if DJ Jazzy Jeff was invited, and if not, what is the story behind their feud?

I am leaving for Hollywood on Saturday, and I hope to have many celebrity sightings. The SAG strike will most likely start on Monday, and if I have to march with a picket sign in order to hold meet-n-greets with celebrities, than so be it.

Long live SAG! But if this strike prevents my favorite shows from starting on time in the Fall, than I'll have to bash a few heads. Even those of my fake tv boyfriends.

But while I have a minute, I just want to wish Heather Locklear well while she gets some help for anxiety and depression. Yes, it is Denise and Richie's fault.

I also want to remind you, my loyal reader(s), to watch My Life on the D-List Thursdays at 10:00 on Bravo. Kathy Griffin is, and always will be, the funniest woman alive. I believe this week she explores Gayhem, which is what you get when you mix Gays and Mayhem. Fabulous!

Jamie Lynn gives birth to future stripper

And her name is Maddie Briann.

Congrats to all!

AC Slater is not hot

You hear me, People Magazine?!?!?!?

Ewwwww.

Crackheads at the mag named Mario Lopez the Hottest Bachelor of 2008. I bet Karina Smirnoff begs to differ!

I'm sorry, but Mario is nasty. Not physically (I guess) but HE CHEATS ON EVERY WOMEN HE DATES. Oh, and marries. Remember Ali Landry of Dorito commercial and Felicity fame? She played Noel's wife when he went through his Leon phase. Well, he cheated on her at his bachelor party and the poor thing didn't find out until after they were married. Annulment, thy name is Landry.

He's gross.

Fast forward to Season 3 of Dancing with the Stars, when he was paired with Karina Smirnoff (she of the perpetual bitch face). They cha cha'd their way to love and moved in together. Then, turns out, he was cheating on her with a waitress from Hooter's for almost a year. Classy!

I hope some rabid dog bites his dimples off.

Too harsh?

Besides, we all know that my secret boyfriend, John Krasinski, is the Hottest Bachelor of 2008. He just needs to shave that beard and drop Jonesy.

Amy Winehouse prediction

I'm going out on a limb (my own, which are much more sturdy than Amy's toothpick arms and legs) and saying that she will not live to see the end of the year.

She's a train wreck and refuses to get help.

She fainted on Monday and had to be taken to the hospital. Tests were performed (do you know your name? what year is this? can you stand up on your own? what is the most you have ever paid for crack? etc.) and she was seen leaving with her father, Mitch, this morning.

Amy's days are numbered. I bet Miss Cleo would back me up on this.

R. Kelly proves that "celebrity" = "acquittal"

R. Kelly was found "not guilty" and acquitted of all 14 counts of child pornography stemming from his now infamous sex tape.

Hide your underage daughters, America!

Money talks and R's said "Keep me out of jail so I can continue to make horrible music and terrifying music videos."

Damn you, money!

Izzy is an ingrate

Well, Ms. Katherine Heigl knows how to get attention, doesn't she? And not just for marrying a fugly singer.

The actress, who won a Best Supporting Actress Emmy last year for her role on Grey's Anatomy, is bowing out of contention for this year's award. She released a statement yesterday, saying, "I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the Academy organization, I withdrew my name from contention."

*SMACK* to Shonda Rhimes and the rest of the writing staff on the show.

I mean, there is being gracious, but there is also being a bitch. If she really thought her role was such ass, just don't submit a tape. No need for a statement as to why. Do you think people are on pins and needles waiting to see what you were going to submit? Someone needs a dose of reality, STAT.

What an idiot.

Dr. Drew will have his hands full

Season 2 of Celebrity Rehab began filming yesterday and I cannot wait to see it.

Sadly, it will not be airing until October. Oh, the drama.

Jeff Conaway is back for another stint. Is he still with Enabler Vicki? She is as messed up as Jeff but in a lot more denial. I hope Dr. Drew can find a way to keep her ass off the show. She is ripe with stank and co-dependency issues. Kenickie can't get better with you around, Vicki! Where's Rizzo? I thought Travolta was trying to help with Scientology. Maybe even Jeff, as addicted as they come, was like, "Oh, hell no! Keep L. Ron and the aliens away from me. John, are you gay? And pass the pills!"

Other addicts on the new season include Sebastian Bach, from Skid Row. I think we can blame years on Gilmore Girls for this. Amy Sherman-Palladino almost drove me to drugs with Luke's long lost daughter and the return of Christopher. I feel your pain, Bach.

Let's see.....Heidi Fleiss reportedly dropped out. Probably realized she couldn't pimp out Tawny Kitaen and split. Remember Tawny from the Whitesnake videos? And I thought I had big hair in the 80s! In 2005, Tawny apparently gained super-strength from drugs and beat the crap out of her husband, former MLB pitcher Chuck Finley, with her shoe. Maybe she never got over David Coverdale.

Rounding out the patients will be former Guns N' Roses drummer Steven Adler, Rod Stewart's son, Sean, Amber Smith (who I had to look up because I had never heard of her....she was the Wonderbra model), Season 1 American Idol contestant Nikki McKibbin, Aaron Carter, and Rodney King. Yes, that Rodney King.

I hope Dr. Drew has gotten plenty of rest and taken his vitamins. Love you, Drew!

D is for Divorce

And also for the word "Do." Now, if you add the word "It" after "Do," you have my message to Madonna and Guy. Enough with the rumors and denials and awkward body language at premieres and restaurants. Just get divorced and go your separate ways.

The rumor today is that Maddie has contacted Paul McCartney's attorney and wants to kick Guy to the curb and move to New York (with her kids, I assume, but who knows?). Madge's publicist denied this rumor, insisting they are as happy as Madonna was with Sean...or Warren Beatty...or Carlos Leon...or Dennis Rodman. My goodness, she has strange taste in men. And is the verdict still out on Carlos? Wasn't he really just a sperm donor? I pick up a vibe from him more in line with Seacrest.

What does Lourdes have to say about this? Does she side with the nanny who has really been raising her all this time? Or was it a drag queen that used to be one of mommy's tour dancers? That would probably be fun. I bet Lourdes has a drag name. What are her feelings on Rocco and David? I wonder if she heard about Maddie wanting to adopt little David and rolled her eyes? I could see it. Maybe spit out "Angelina wannabe" under her breath. Mmmm hmmm. I can tell by looking at her that she has sass for days.

Let's hope there wasn't a prenup for Guy's sake. You know he blew through that Swept Away money. Oh, wait. Did that make any money? AT ALL?

The Alba graces the world with Honor

Not feeling the name, but they didn't ask me, did they? Rude!

Jessica Alba popped out little Honor Marie Warren on Saturday in Los Angeles. It is the first child for Jessica and her husband, Cash Warren.

My sister reminded me that Honor was the name of Logan's extremely annoying sister on Gilmore Girls. UGH! How could I forget?

I hope this child is not nearly as annoying, but with those two for parents, the odds are not in her favor.

Uh....congrats to the happy family!

Johnny can recognize a mess when he sees one

So, Johnny Depp surprised the crowd at the incredibly lame MTV Movie Awards on Sunday night by showing up. At least I think people were surprised because there was a lot of hooting and hollering when he got on stage. Diablo Cody was in the audience and clutched at her heart. Honest to blog!

Remember when this show was cool? Was I in high school? Probably. I used to think perming my hair was a good idea, so what do I know?

Anyway, Johnny won two awards....uh....oh, Best Comedic Performance for one of the Pirate movies...and one for....hmmmm....oh, okay, Best Villian for Sweeney Todd, which a friend just bought Friday night (a drunk friend that got wasted and drove through the streets of Los Angeles like he was Dr. Jack Shepherd with a death wish). Mess!

But, he was not the mess Johnny saw at the Movie Awards. That coveted title went to Lindsay "I'll try being a lesbian for fun" Lohan. Johnny reportedly offered Lindsay a stay at his private island in the Caribbean. Was Johnny high when making this offer? Maybe he's just looking for some good weed and figures Linds will be packing wherever she goes. Johnny, I see through your outreach program!

Well, I hope Lindsay takes him up on the offer and ends up moving there with Samantha Ronson so I don't have to read about them anymore. Linds can dance in a cage on the beach while Samantha DJs. Or they can hold movie nights at the beach every Wednesday and alternate between Mean Girls and The Parent Trap. Oh, Linds. You had so much potential.

Let's blame the writer's strike!

If only the strike hadn't pushed back the new season of Rescue Me, Tatum O'Neal wouldn't have needed to hit the pipe. Mmmm.....party!

The delusional and dysfunctional Ms. O'Neal was busted for attempting to buy crack cocaine from a panhandler near her Lower East Side apartment Sunday night. Don't judge! Maybe it's how she gets through an episode of Denise Richards: It's Complicated. I know I want to take drugs after seeing a 30 second promo. My gosh, is she a dumb ho. Team Charlie!

Actually, Team Martin Sheen! Save your grandchildren!!!

Oh, Tatum. Get it together.

I hear the Cirque Lodge does wonders. A friend of mine is going there soon.

Hold on to your asses, Armageddon is around the corner

You want proof?

Gayken is going to be a dad. Yes, that Gayken. Claymates everywhere must have the vapors. Fetch the smelling salts!

Now, before you throw up your breakfast, know that our favorite Closet Case donated his own little Claymates for some artificial insemination. Remember, this boy hates va jay jay.

The mom will be Clay's bestest hetero and record producer, Jaymes Foster (sister of David Foster). It's like Will and Grace if they decided to have a child together afterall. How sweet! Cue the soundtrack to Funny Girl or any Cher concert ever. Get those jazz hands ready!

Well, good for Gayken. I'm sure he'll make a fabulous father. Expect a lot of glitter-covered newborn onesies and matching booties. Can't wait!

Why does Michael Patrick King hate me?

I rented the dvds of Sex and the City, dammit!

I put up with the whining and horrendous outfits and the whining and SJP and the whining and Mr. Big. Did I mention the whining?

I overlooked Carrie and her skinny ass screwing Aidan over not once BUT TWICE, and going off to live in Paris with a skeleton masquerading as Mikhail Baryshnikov, only to end up in the arms of the emotionally abusive Mr. Big. I put up with Charlotte and her pearls and Miranda and her bitchiness and Samantha and her nudity. All for what?

So that years later, when the series makes it to the big screen, Michael Patrick King can subject me to 145 minutes of these 4 bitches and their Manolo's and Jimmy Choo's? I could barely get through 30 minutes of this show when it was on. I'll need a pitcher of Cosmos and a Valium to make it past the first hour.

In all honesty, I never considered myself a fan of the show. I tried. I watched the episodes and occasionally laughed. Occasionally I felt sympathy for the characters. I even cried (CRIED!) when Miranda's mom passed away. (That episode, "My Motherboard, My Self" is wonderful and the scene when Samantha mouths "I'm sorry" to Miranda at the funeral is very touching). But, I never felt the liberation watching this show that so many claimed was part of it's groundbreaking achievement. Yes, the women talked about sex, and everyone but SJP showed their business during the course of the series, but so what? None of them were characters I would want to be friends with and I often found it unbelievable that anyone would want to be in a relationship with them.

I guess the biggest problem for me was SJP's Carrie Bradshaw. Carrie was self-absorbed, bad with money, full of puns, and lacking in fashion sense. She was a nightmare. To the credit of the writers, they weren't afraid to show that. She wasn't perfect. None of them were. They all had flaws. I appreciated that. But I never really felt that Carrie grew as a character over the course of the series. She was a successful writer with a great apartment and close friends and parties to go to. She had a great life.

But not really. Because she didn't have Big. And that's what I felt was her fatal flaw and the flaw of the series.

Her relationships with men were awkward or funny but all were doomed because the guy wasn't Big. And Big was an ass! I'm sorry, but he was. I was so disappointed that they ended up together in the series finale. I never liked the guy. He was manipulative and a user. He only wanted Carrie when she was happy with someone else. He was stank! HATED him. For real.

Oh, but he was quippy! And rich! And had a driver! GAG. Who cares? Stank is stank and it can't hide behind expensive sunglasses or pricey suits. If anything, I feel that Carrie settled for a guy that treated her badly because she was in LOVE. Great message! I feel liberated.

Thank you and goodnight!

But seriously, couldn't this movie have been 90 minutes at most. Blergh!

And one more thing: I find it odd that the last premiere for this film was in NYC. I mean, throughout the series, everyone involved in the show claimed that NY was the 5th cast member.

Maybe NY was holding out for more money.

Jim Halpert and I are getting married

Well, he wasn't engaged to Pam last I checked, so I'm calling dibs.

Fine. Pam can have Jim. But I'm taking Krasinski! And hostages if need be. Consider yourself warned!

Friday night, Mr. Krasinski was filming scenes for his movie Farlanders in Stamford at Remo's Restaurant. Guess who drove her ass downtown on a Friday night, paid $3 for parking at the Majestic, and walked over to the Ferguson Library in flip flops that hurt her feet? Uh....some poor loser. I forget her name. But her hair looked great!

Let me tell you, there are some ugly people in Stamford. I'm sorry, but there are. And scary. By 8:30, I saw three drunk men who had probably been drinking since 10:00 that morning. And they were in at least their mid-40s. Classy. I should have asked if they were single. What catches!

So, I sit on uncomfortable stone steps and people watch while hoping to catch a glimpse of John...for close to 2 hours. Say what? Yes, I have no life. I admit it! Don't judge me! The weather was nice and I had just painted my toes a lovely crimson. I was ready to be seen.

John was obviously taken by the Liz Lemon look-a-like sitting across the street, because when he came out of the restaurant, I could tell he was smitten. He played it cool by not looking at me, but as he got into the car that had pulled up for him, I heard him scream "I love you!" Or "I still have a restraining order!" It was hard to hear as Stamford's Hip Hop community decided to roll down Bedford Street at that exact moment.

Oh, John. So coy.

I want a Fall wedding, by the way.

Grey'zzzzzzzz

Since The Office is done for the season, I watched the Grey's Anatomy finale last night. Big mistake. That show is awful. I mean, every single character is an a-hole and acts like they are in middle school. (No offense to you middle schoolers who are not reading this site!).

I used to love this show. I have the first 2 seasons on dvd. Or just the first season. I forget. That's how long it's been since I've pulled those dvds out. I mean, Meredith was always an annoying twit, but Patrick Dempsey more than made up for it. My gosh, Ronald Miller is all growns up and looking good. And the storylines were interesting and the characters didn't "dance it out" or whine every single minute of the day while patients around them died from lack of attention. Or something.

Anyway, I gave up on the show after they split Derek and Meredith up for the umpteenth time last season. That crap gets old. And fast. I gave up on Gilmore Girls when they pulled that nonsense, too. Don't mess with my ships, showrunners! And, yes, that is now pointed at you, Greg Daniels.

So, anyway, Grey's is a hot mess. Like, brick oven pizza hot mess. And when Derek and Meredith kissed at 10:57, I felt nothing. I did think the lighting was good, but I was too bored to even look for tongue(which I definitely think there was during the first two seasons). Oh, show. I should have left and never looked back.

On a lighter note, John Krasinski is filming in Stamford today. I feel like today might be the day for me to walk to Dairy Queen, buy a Heath Bar blizzard, find a bench, and wait. And wait. And wait. The weather is nice. I have good sunglasses. I like my shoes.

Fingers crossed!

Bow down to the Yamaguchi

Little Kristy won the mirror ball last night on Dancing with the Stars, becoming the first woman since bitchy Kelly Monaco to win the title. Good for you, Kristy!

I didn't watch the first season of the show when it was down to Kelly and J. Peterman, himself, John O'Hurley. I do remember my mother raging when Kelly won. Good gracious, you would have thought someone took The Nanny out of syndication, she was so pissed off. Other fans were also outraged, so they held Dancing with the Stars: Dance-off, and O'Hurley won. You know Monaco is a sore loser, so I'm sure things on the General Hospital set were icy for at least a month.

That was then and this is now. Season six of the show saw Kristy clearly impressing the judges right from the start. She and partner Mark Ballas were the highest scoring couple in the history of the show, and brought their A-game each week. Score one for the shorties!

Runner up was football player Jason Taylor, who, in addition to being hot, was extremely charming and gracious. His partner was Edyta Sliwinsksa, making her way to the Finals for the first time. In addition to having no body fat, Edyta is known for wearing some of the skimpiest outfits in the history of dance competitions. Seeing her is my motivation to eat more ice cream, as it really is a losing cause to try to get my hip bones that pointy. Pass the New York Super Fudge Chunk!

Can't wait to see what D-Listers and sports figures tie up their dance shoes for Season 7. Shannen Doherty should totally do it if she isn't going to get her ass on the new 90210. I bet she would cut someone if she didn't get a good score. She'll hide a knife in her bra if need be. Oh, the drama!

Boo hoo

Somebody needs a reality check. Her name? Gwyneth Paltrow.

While promoting her new film Two Lovers in Cannes, the Oscar winner(still think that is a joke) whined about how Hollywood forgot about her after she had her children. She went on to say that "I definitely knew I had lost my place."

Could it have anything to do with the fact that you moved to London? Perhaps people got tired of your holier-than-thou act? I seem to recall Julianne Moore working even after she had children. Let's see....who else....Kate Winslet, Tina Fey, Laura Dern, Cate Blanchett, and Jennifer Garner(added begrudgingly!)all found work after having children. All are in their 30s and getting consistent work in film, theater, and television.

You dug your own grave, Paltrow. You started giving interviews where you acted above it all, talked about how you'd rather live in London, became friends with Madonna, called Angie a "Heinous bitch" and Brad "Really ugly." Fine, I made the last part up, but I'm sure you had those thoughts run through your mind as you watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith on dvd. Perhaps even thinking back to a simpler time when your head was in a box in Seven. I know I loved it!

So, find that cotton candy pink frock you won your Oscar in and recreate that night in your life. It's all you are getting!

Send in the rainbows

Looks like Mariah and Nick Carey will be having a big blowout of a wedding in NYC in the next few weeks. An "insider" claims that it will be on the same scale as Liza and David Gest's wedding. Wonder if it will end the same way? I can see bitch fights going down in Mimi's walk-in closet, even though Nick isn't gay.

The "insider" goes on to say the budget will probably be around 4 million and Mimi will have at least 14 bridesmaids. Say what???? You know Da Brat will be there in something rough and tumble, but who else would stand up for Mimi? Her dog? That makes 2. She's a Diva, afterall. They have servants, not friends. Maybe she'll have some trannies made up to look like her.

On a separate note, who is this "insider?" How do I apply to become an "insider?" I need to know fast, because I have the scheduled due date of one Mrs. Mary Kennedy-Hall and I need to make some money. Mama's gotta eat! The paps better be willing to pay a pretty penny for this Grade A scoop. Where's Adnan?

What a week!

Jen Celotta and Paul Lieberstein, feel my wrath! They are the two writers responsible for The Office finale last night. They are also responsible for my crankiness today. Andy and Angela get engaged, but not Jim and Pam? *smack* Just, no.

That, combined with the Yankees playing like ass, will make this a long summer. HATE!

On a lighter note, Ellen and Portia are getting married now that Cali has decided to recognize gays and lesbians as human beings. With rights! Go figure. Good luck to all of the same-sex couples who will rush to tie the knot and then be as miserable as straights all over the world. Get a pre-nup!

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson will be marrying this weekend. Zzzzzzz......

Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty are sharing crack and poor fashion sense in London. Lock your doors and draw the curtains, Brits! It ain't pretty.

Mariah is still married to Nick Cannon.

Jim and Pam are still not engaged.

Angie and Brad caused a stir on the Kung Fu Panda red carpet. I've never been a big Angie fan, but she tore up the carpet with those twins. Easy, pervs. I meant the twins she is carrying in her stomach, not on her chest. Although, let's be honest, those chest twins are huge. Those kids will not starve. BRAD LOOKED AMAZING, by the way. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

Brad's ex, Ms. Aniston, is hanging with John Mayer and sitting backstage at his concerts. What a groupie!

Still haven't seen John Krasinski, although he has been filming in CT for weeks. Weeks! No, it's fine! Really.

I need a nap.

And two more make....too many

Two posts in one day? Do I think I'm a professional? No, I don't.

But, when the Angelina half of Brangelina admits that she is having twins, it's news. Right? Right? Anyone?

This was speculated months ago. I guess Jack Black slipped up during an interview for their new movie, Kung Fu Panda, and admitted that the former Mrs. Miller and Mrs. Thornton is having two more of Brad's children. Ange had to confirm.

Hope Jack doesn't end up face down in the water at one of the private beaches in Cannes.

Six kids in total? Sounds exhausting. Good thing they are rich beyond belief and can hire help. I would allow someone else to raise them once they started to talk, but that's just me.

Best of luck to the happy couple!