The red carpet is a red hot mess!

Seacrest was out of his mind! Inane questions for two straight hours? I needed a drink. Or maybe I should have popped the anti-depressant early.

I think George Clooney is going to need a stint in rehab after putting up with Ryan's creepy crush. Yes, we know George's hair looks good. Calm down, queen! I think he wanted to run his fingers through it. George's girlfriend should watch out...I could see Ryan trying to shank her in the Ladies Room.

Jason Bateman just keeps getting better and better looking.

OH MY GOSH, Gary Busey just accosted Jennifer Garner while she was being interviewed by Ryan. HILARIOUS and AWKWARD. I don't think she knew who he was. Probably just thought someone brought their drunk uncle to the ceremony. Seacrest was shaking in his Minolos.

Patrick Dempsey looks amazing. His hair is poofed up just right. Thank goodness. You know I hate when his hair has little-to-no height. Oh, his wife is there. Whore!

Amy Adams looks gorgeous in green. Her bag is ridiculous but obviously a fashion accessory.

Keri Russell is here? Stop it! She looks great. Her husband...looks like pictures I've seen of him. Ben and Felicity 4 EVA!!!

Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen look like twins.

Red is definitely the color of the night. Someone forgot to tell Jennifer Hudson. She and her breasts are in white. At least she isn't wearing that knockoff Seacrest Silver jacket from last year.

Katherine Heigel is scaring the crap out of me with her red lipstick. She looks odd. Her creepy husband is on tour. Thank goodness.

Hannah Montana is here, y'all! And she's just being Miley. Yes, I know some of the words to her song. Sue me!

I think I need a sedative.

Writer's strike is finally over

OH MY GOSH, I WAS ON MY LAST NERVE.

Ahem.

So, the strike is really over. Like, for real. New episodes will be made to salvage the rest of this season.

SNL returns February 23rd with Ms. Liz Lemon herself, Tina Fey, hosting. How fun! Love Tina. Ellen Page hosts on March 1st. Go Juno!

My favorite couple, Jim and Pam, return on April 10th. So does Ms. Lemon and company.

This strike blew. Seriously. Thank goodness I had Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew to make me feel better.

My gosh, I'm pathetic.

The Grammy's suck

I mean, really.

Random people presenting, Beyonce's blonde weave, Carrie Underwood's extensions, Miley Cyrus, her extensions, her hooker makeup and heels....etc.

Jason Bateman, I love you and don't care that it was random for you to be a presenter. You are Michael Bluth and can do whatever the hell you want.

I really only watched to see if U2 would show up and if Amy Winehouse would show up sober. No U2, but Amy performed and stood up the entire time. She even yelled out her husband's name twice (and I think she screamed out his inmate number....true love!). She is one freaky little addict.

Speaking of freaky, what happened to Cuba Gooding, Jr????? Why was he introducing Amy in London? Has he become the male Tara Reid, knowing he will get more attention in other countries that aren't so picky about their celebrities? I'm sorry, but it's true. I mean, Tara can host parties in other countries. She'd never be able to get past the velvet rope in most states here. And I don't ever want to hear him yell out "You know what I'm sayin'?" again. Just stop, Cuba. I'm tempted to take back your Oscar once and for all.

Uh....yeah, this is just bad.

Angie might be pregnant again

And this time with twins!

My gosh, I'm exhausted by the four they already have. Oh, wait. They aren't my kids.....why am I exhausted? I guess I have sympathy exhaustion.

If Angie is pregnant with twins, it will be the first time she was at a healthy weight since Tomb Raider.

Best of luck to them even if this rumor turns out to be false. Four kids is a lot!

Alba is very annoying

Jessica Alba is annoying. There, I said it.

Do you agree?

She said in a recent interview that she is "paranoid" about breastfeeding her baby. She's actually more concerned with breastfeeding than actually giving birth. Uh...okay. I don't know. Seems that pushing a human out of your peesh might be more nerve-wracking than breastfeeding, but I'm not pregnant or currently possessing any maternal instincts, so what do I know?

I think she should actually be more concerned that she is having a baby with someone named Cash.

R.I.P.

Heath Ledger was found dead in his NY apartment this afternoon. He was only 28-years-old.

Heath leaves behind a 2-year-old daughter, Matilda Rose, from his relationship with fellow actor, Michelle Williams.

There are reports that he suffered from depression and a substance abuse problem. An unconfirmed report states that over-the-counter sleeping pills and prescribed sleeping pills were found near his body.

We here at Bitter By Design wish his family well as they deal with his sudden death.

Our The Hills contributor has been a big fan of Heath's since 10 Things I Hate About You, and she mourns his loss.

Alright, alright, alright

So, Matthew McConaughey and his girlfriend are going to have a baby. That kid will shoot out of the womb demanding a joint and some bongos as sure as I type this.

Oh, Matthew. Remember when he dated Sandra Bullock? I can't see her putting up with his red eyes and case of the munchies. I wonder if that's what broke them up. Maybe he didn't bathe regularly. I could see that. He doesn't look like someone who keeps a supply of Irish Spring in his linen closet.

Best of luck to Matty and his girlfriend. Even more luck to him with that new movie he has coming out with Kate Hudson. It looks horrible.

Time to make more babies

The new issue of OK! Magazine claims that Brit wants to have more children and convert to Islam for her new married lover.

First of all, I hate the word "lover." Gag. Secondly, someone take away her uterus! She's used it enough for one lifetime. The woman can't be trusted to pick out decent weaves, or get herself to court less than 3 hours late....maybe she shouldn't be trusted to have more children. She can't keep hold of the two she already has. "Where are the little people that I feed Cheetos to, y'all?"

Do you think the boys are watching Kevin on One Tree Hill tonight? Oy. Well, at least he's getting work. Although, I heard that he wasn't actually singing on the show. Who got that gig? Who was paid to be the voice that K-Fed lip syncs to? William Hung?

Seriously, though. Someone get on that uterus removal.

The Nominees for Worst Golden Globes Banter

Billy Bush and Nancy O'Dell: Access Hollywood

Ben Lyons, Kristin Dos Santos, and Ryan Seacrest: E!

And the winners are: TOO CLOSE TO CALL! They all sucked.

Oh my gosh, this was the worst. The Golden Globes were scaled back this year because of the ongoing Writer's Strike, and the winners were announced via press conference. Instead of A-Listers like George Clooney and Alec Baldwin announcing the winners, we were treated to Mary Hart (giving someone, somewhere, a seizure with her voice) and Lara Spencer reading off the winners one right after the other. YAWN!

On the bright side, Tina Fey won Best Actress in a Comedy. On the dark, evil side, we were denied what I'm sure would have been a hilarious speech from Tina. In the immortal word of Liz Lemon, "Blergh!" Thrilled, also, that Extras won Best Comedy. Such a wonderful, funny show with an amazing cast. Love ya, Ricky!

Other people won other awards but I really don't care to remember. Luckily, the SAG Awards will be held in 2 weeks, and SAG has made a deal with the Writer's Guild, so that show will definitely be on. Actors need their awards, dammit!

Nicole Richie has a baby girl

I bet it weighs more than she does! Her name is Harlow Winter Kate Madden. Diva-in-training!!

XTina is giving birth at the same hospital. Whatever she has, it will surely come out with a fake tan and plenty of concealer.

Pam Anderson not pregnant

Thank you, God!

That's one less client for a psychiatrist, but it's really for the best.

Has he called Jenny yet?

So, Eminem is apparently fat and had pneumonia over Christmas. Yawn.

Why did he stop making music? I liked it when he made fun of people. Perhaps, like me, he became overwhelmed with just how many people there are to make fun of in the world. It's really exhausting to think about. I mean, just start with everyone on The Hills and you'll lose sleep at night. Oh, he and Justin Bobby should totally do a duet! See, that will keep you up at night, too.

Maybe Marshall can buddy up with Queen Latifah and join Jenny Craig this year. All hail the Queen! She won't put up with him whining about portion size. She's an Academy Award nominee! Oh, wait. So is he!

I smell a concept cd all about food.

Botox robot is pregnant

Or, as she's known in the film industry, Nicole Kidman.

Congrats to Nic and Keith Urban. Nicole has suffered miscarriages in the past, so I do wish her the best with this pregnancy.

I read that you can't receive botox injections while pregnant, so expect her to go into hiding until the baby is born. Stepford Wives can't have wrinkles! That was a great remake, wasn't it? Gag.

A baby will also be a good excuse to not make any movies for a while. Her star has certainly not been shining brightly at the box office lately, and a break from poor movie roles may just be what Nic needs.

Just call me your judge and jury, Kidman!

For the love of bad weaves

What is the best way to get over a 24-hour hospital stay, a visit from ratings-starved Dr. Phil, and loss of custody of your children? Apparently it's sipping mimosas with the paparazzi.

Britney was spotted with her weird pap acquaintance, Adnan Ghalib, in Palm Desert this morning. Ummmm....in the immortal words of Ms. Whoopi Goldberg in the movie Ghost, "Girl, you in danger."

What the hell???? Get help! Get meds! Why won't someone have the balls to help this woman? She doesn't need more attention from freaks and enablers and photographers. She needs therapy and medication that will help her cope with her life. Justin, where are you with some encouraging words? Maybe Lance Bass should step in. JC? You know he's got nothing better to do(besides try to keep the closet door closed).

Seriously, doesn't anyone from The Mickey Mouse Club want to offer help? Even a visit from the person dressing as Goofy at the Magic Kingdom would be a help at this point.

What a mess.

Something to ponder

What is more disturbing?

Nicholas Cage's hairpiece in National Treasure, or the trailer for PS I Love You?

Discuss.

I don't want to toot my own horn....BUT

Yesterday I questioned whether or not Jamie Lynn's boyfriend would stick around until the birth of their child. Well, Life & Style is reporting that they are no longer together. I'm taking that as fact.

Folks, it's a gift. I predict celebrity break ups and they happen. I think I'll set up a booth like Lucy in the Peanuts comic strip and start charging for my wisdom. I could use the extra cash. Christmas is expensive!

Next big split: Britney and Reality. I predict a final parting of the ways (they've been on again/off again for months) early in 2008.

Hey, y'all! I'm pregnant!

My name is Jamie Lynn Spears. My older sister is a dumbass, and so am I! I got pregnant because a stork landed on my trailer in Louisiana and told me I was going to have a baby in a few months. Nine, I think. Well, I didn't know what to do. My mom was locked in her room writing a book on parenting and my dad was somewhere getting drunk. I wanted to call my sister, but she lives in another time zone and likes to freebase and go wig shopping. I can never reach her. So, I did what any smart young girl would do: I picked up my magic 8-ball and shook it really hard. It said, "Yes, you are an idiot." Isn't that funny?

Alright, let me stop. Teen pregnancy is no laughing matter. What is funny is that Jamie Lynn is well on her way to being a has been at the ripe ole' age of 18. Idiot.

Reports claim that Brit did not know until reporters asked her for her reaction last night. Oh, snap! You know she will not be happy having to share the headlines with her sister. I mean, it's fine when she's on some Nickelodeon show that tweens watch, but no one is going to take my nightly spot on E! News or TMZ. It's on, bitch!

Also interesting is a report that Jamie Lynn is further along than the 3 months she told OK! Magazine. Maybe that story in the National Enquirer back in July was correct....we'll just have to see when she pops out that kid.

Wonder if her beloved boyfriend, Casey, will still be around. Hmmm.....

The Hills Finale - or is it?

Sadly, I wasn't kidnapped by one of my tv or movie boyfriends before the airing of the finale last night. Thanks for nothing, guys! So I had to watch this crapfest and hate myself enough that I actually watched the live after party show. OH MY GOSH I hate those two hosts and all the bad banter and hoochies that must idolize Heidi enough that they went out and got fake breasts.

Oh, and Lauren, your "big" announcement was beyond lame. More episodes next month is not exciting, especially since Perez Hilton leaked that they were casting for a guy to show you the sights. Shouldn't you be working? Oh, and nice bitch face when you found out Whitney was going to Paris. Classic!

Thank you trusty recapper Jessica! You are back to work next month. Rest up.


And here we go:


It's finale time. I know MTV is having a live pre-show/viewing/aftershow at Area nightclub. I think I'll just stick to the 30 minutes of regulation though. I don't like all the fuss. Okay, Lauren's awkward last words with the weird hosts of the night (the guy and girl who host the usual aftershow) are over, and not a minute too soon.

10:00 -- Good news (for Whitney, not for Lauren): Whitney gets to go to Paris again. Bad news: She has to go with that weirdo in the glasses and grandpa sweater.

10:02 -- How annoyed must all of Heidi's co-workers be after hearing about her and Spencer all the time? Well, maybe not as annoyed as they would be if they didn't know that listening to incessant whining would land them on an MTV camera.

10:04 -- Oh snap, Lauren is not a happy camper about not being asked to Paris. That face was priceless. She didn't even try to hide her anger.

10:06 -- Spencer's sis is a bad actress. I know she's not supposed to be acting, but that's the way any scene with her plays out. Maybe that's just how she is naturally. What a gem that one is!

10:07 -- I nearly had a heart attack because my cable froze for a couple seconds. Don't crap out on me now Comcast.

10:08 -- The two aftershow doofs ask the live crowd at Area if they think Lauren's boss was too hard on her. As if Lisa Love gives a crap what these drunks think.

10:14 -- Spencer goes to Heidi's office to talk, but he's denied because Heidi's assistant tells him that Heidi left early. I would've believed it except for the fact that the assistant is an awful liar.

10:15 -- I love how Whitney isn't downplaying her excitement over going to Paris in front of Lauren. Good for her.

10:16 -- Oh goodie, Lauren DOES get to go to Paris. So now of course she's all smiles.

10:18 -- This scene seems familiar. When Lauren and Brody make plans are they like "let's get together for dinner and hint at a relationship, play with our straws in our drinks, and have numerous silent moments"?

10:25 -- Heidi's looking gaunt. And that's bad since she's already so thin. Maybe the relationship stress is taking its toll. Well, now that she decided to go back to Colorado to have some space, hopefully she'll eat.

10:27 -- I like how I know more French than Lauren does, and I'm not the one going to France.

10:29 -- Okay, that was cute of Brody to wait for Lauren outside her apartment as she was leaving for the airport. And that smooch? What does it all mean?

10:30 -- The show ends with Whitney and Lauren's plane taking off, Heidi driving back to Colorado, and Audrina sitting around in her apartment. Ho hum.

If anyone watches the aftershow and makes it out alive, let me know what goes down. Until next season, au revoir!

This show will be the death of me

WTH? I don't like the idea of young girls/women/any sex, really, watching this show. Why is everyone so dumb and picking horrible mates?

Audrina, that hat was atrocious. Never wear it again.

Lauren, enough with the bitch face. Everyone on this show is fake. I miss Justin Bobby.

Now, on with the recap:


Here we are tonight, only two new episodes separating us from the drama-free abyss known as The Hills hiatus. That's right kiddies, we have a limited time left with our favorite gang of reality starlets so I hope MTV will reward its Hills faithful as season 3 winds down. I, for one, would enjoy some more Lo. She's been MIA for a few ep's and her words of wisdom have been missed. She didn't even get to say goodbye to Justin Bobby!

Now I know I missed talking about last week's episode, which was without question one of the highlights of this season thus far, and for this I apologize. How much of a psycho is Spencer's sister? How many nights do you think she's spent face down in the gutter outside an LA nightclub? The questions could go on and on, but it's time for the show to start.

10:01--Lauren admits to having blue eyes with "yellow in the middle." Is she a monster? I'm scared.

10:03--There's gonna be a Halloween party at Lauren's and Audrina's. Whitney's gonna be the first doing a kegstand. I'm calling it.

10:04--I'm frightened all over again by Spencer's sister. She just seems like she could go into a crazy rage at any moment.

10:05--Jen Bunney got an invite. And she's still making dumb comments. Some things never change.

10:07--Lauren looks extra b*tchy as a brunette, right?

10:13--The Pratt sibs have a heart to heart about the impending nuptials at the store where Spencer's picking up his and Heidi's save-the-date cards. I'm sure the kind shop owner enjoys being dragged in the middle of this mess.

10:15--Is Audrina's Aussie date serious about 1. his lip ring and 2. that smarmy pick-up line?

10:15--Yesss, LO IS BACK. Missing the party to study for a midtem doesn't stop her from dishing out some sound advice to Lauren about her and Brody's relationship. Lo, so wise!

10:21--Audrina likes the Aussie. Good for her. Maybe he'll like her bright blue hat, because I sure don't.

10:23--Another Spencer/Heidi showdown. They actually already sound like an old married couple fighting.

10:25--Brody is channeling the Seattle grunge look of 1995 with his plaid flannel shirt. Bold choice.

10:27--The will they/won't they controversy continues on with Lauren and Brody. It's pretty much 2007's version of David and Maddie. Without the private detective agency, obviously.

Count it down. One week to go til the finale. It won't be the Lauren-Jason-summer in Paris triangle of finales past, but I'm sure it won't disappoint.

H I L L S

Good golly, this show is a trying experience. Guest recapper Jessica makes it more tolerable...actually, forget the "more."

On with the recap:

10:00--Right out of the gate we get the first bitchy eye roll of the night. Chances are this won't be the last. This one is provided by Spencer. What a weenie he is being about getting married. But with that weenie-rific beach proposal, I'm not really surprised.

10:01--Wow Audrina, are those 3 pound weights you're lifting at the gym? I'm...not impressed.

10:03--The song "Baby Love" is playing in the background as Speidi heads to check out a wedding site. The only reason I mention the song is because it is performed by Nicole Scherzinger aka the lead Pussycat Doll. And of course we all know that Nic and Talan from LB dated at one point. Thank you and this was tonight's edition of Six Degrees of Laguna Beach.

10:05--The girls head to a bar named Big Wang's. Wherever my brothers are right now, and although they are not watching this show, they are laughing simply because they sense such a bar exists.

10:12--Whitney is on a weird half date, half workout session with her trainer. They talk about the weather. Awkward.

10:13--Heidi is most excited to wear a crown and eat pastries at her wedding. I'm not down with a crown but I can't say anything against a good pastry. Didn't she wear a tiara at her birthday last season? She needs to get over this pretend royalty phase, no?

10:14--Whitney and the trainer are on a legit date and AGAIN the weather comes up in convo. I'm calling a crash and burn here.

10:17--Spencer suprises Heidi with a matrimonial trip to Vegas. And she counters by taking off her engagement ring and leaving it on the table. The gauntlet (the ring) has clearly been thrown.

10:25--Lauren, like any self-respecting girl would do, asks Whitney how her date's shoes rated because if you're not feeling the shoes, you can't be feeling the guy. Whit's bad shoe prognosis means its back to the weight room for you Mr. Trainer Man. No Whitney for you.

10:28--Spence apologizes to Heidi, they're back on for the wedding, blah blah blah etc etc. I'm not really that into this storyline unless it provides drama. End of story.

***Scenes for next week look ridiculously delicious. We'll get a taste of not only Spencer's sister, but also a club confrontation with Justin Bobby. Make sure to go easy on the turkey (or tofurkey for my vegetarian people out there) so you can make it back here for next week's ep in tip top form.***