Someone needs a "Who's the Boss" reunion STAT!

Alyssa Milano is doing commercials for VEET hair remover.

Oh my.

Obviously, that Charmed money did not get invested wisely. Maybe Tony Danza can throw her a few bucks. I think he's doing The Producers. And I just saw Judith Light on Law & Order: SVU last week. Where's Mona? Or the kid that came out after the show ended?

I hope I'm not going to have to organize a telethon myself. That is so something Danza should do.

Just Like Hell

The Cure are dead to me.

Robert Smith is going to do a duet with Ashlee Simpson on her upcoming album. I grab the nearest sharp object and jam it into my eye.

This is straight up b.s.

The Cure were a big deal to me when I was in high school. They were moody and strange and completely cool. Robert wore eyeliner and had crazy hair and was more pale then I was.

Now, they suck(yes, I include the entire band in my hatred of Robert's decision). Sorry, guys!

I bet Papa Joe had something to do with this. Can't he leave well enough alone? Gah.

Oh, Alanis

She's gone and covered "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. It's slow and haunting and ridiculous because of those silly lyrics.

Kudos, Alanis. Breaking up with Ryan Reynolds caused you to gain a sense of humor.

The video is very funny. The bangs she's sporting are just as scary as Fergie's.

Ms. Alanis has certainly come a long way since You Can't do That on Television. Although, honestly, she'll never be as big as Robin Sparkles.

Office marathon

I love NBC. For this week.

They are giving the world 5 episodes of The Office this week. Why? Because the show hasn't been new in FOREVER and Kevin Reilly and Greg Daniels are tired of getting my angry letters and emails. Well, excuse me gentlemen!

This show is so great when Karen isn't in it. That is the real lesson of the marathon. Sadly, she is in the last one, but I refuse to watch it. So there.

Just saw the trailer for Evan Almighty. Ummmm......I'm not feeling it. I still love you, Steve!

Gwen, please

What is Gwen Stefani doing on American Idol?????? Girl, don't even.

Gwen has been mentoring the kids this week, and will perform with Akon on tonight's results show. I think it's the results show. Oh, who gives a crap? It's on practically every night of the week. Maybe someone will be voted off, maybe not.

Ryan and Paula will still be there, and that is a real tragedy.

Anyway, Gwen has disappointed me. She's better then this. Or, she's not, and all the hatred I had when she stole Gavin from me was warranted. Feel my rage, Stefani!

It wasn't meant to be

I was in Vegas this past weekend, and so was K-Fed. Huh??? How did we not cross paths? I'm pissed. Actually, I'm more pissed because I missed meeting Shar Jackson. I've got some questions for her....like, "did you know Brandy was a bad driver when you worked on Moesha with her, and WTF did you see in Kevin?"

Katie Couric has nothing on my interview skills. Obviously.

Cam is as nasty as I imagined

I always thought Cameron Diaz looked dirty. Now I have proof that she is. I want a prize. Something chocolate and something redeemable for cash will do. Make that 2 prizes.

Cam was recently quoted as saying that she wears an outfit for four days and then never wears it again. And she means four days in a row. Great googly moogly. Girl is crazy!

Oh, but don't worry. She does say she changes her underwear. How often, no one knows? Left that part out, didn't you Cammie? Yowza. And ew.

I bet she smells like one big cloud of pot and b.o. And yet she still gets guys. Go figure.

A few things

There is a lot going on, so let's get right to it:

Uma Thurman may be remarrying. I want to care, but apparently she and Ethan are on good terms and he will be attending the wedding. So now I'm just bored.

Tori Spelling gave birth to a baby boy: Liam Aaron. Congrats. With the size Tori was, I expected her child to be at least 12 pounds. He wasn't. Oh, and her husband still looks shady. And greasy.

Britney is drinking a lot of soda while in rehab. I think it's funny that this information was leaked. Even more funny? I'm amused by it. At least she seems to be off the Red Bull. That is really what caused her to jump into a few different rehabs. Well, that and the alcohol and drugs.

Angie adopted again! She's the best. The best bitch! She stole my man. In all seriousness, I think it's wonderful that she adopted another child. I just hope Shiloh doesn't get a complex as the "one of these things is not like the others." Brad, take extra care of her.

Finally, March Madness is here! And by that, I mean I'm still going crazy over most of my shows in reruns.

Rachel looking for work at Central Perk

Wednesday is a great time to rhyme.

Oh my gosh! I'm on fire.

Ahem.

So, Jennifer Aniston may be moving to New York city so she can "start over" and "meet men."

Ummmmm......bitch, please. The starting over part I can understand. But, how hard is it for her to meet men? She's attractive(I guess), she's got tons of cash, and....ummmm.....well, she does have nice hair and cash. Oh, and she starred in Leprechaun. Although, honestly, Warwick Davis owned that movie and she had her old nose back then. And wore jean shorts with a leather jacket if I remember correctly, so maybe that's not something to brag about.

Wow. March reruns make me cranky and I'm taking it out on a woman who shares my name. Well, guess what? TOO BAD.

She has the luxury of wanting to move to New York and affording something beautiful and luxurious and ridiculously overpriced. If I wanted to move to New York, I'd end up having to move in with at least 3 other people for a room no bigger then a closet and have the smell of urine greet me in the lobby everyday.(Too overdramatic?)

Good luck, Jen. And don't even think about dating a Yankee.

He goes from bad to worse

Nasty.

Jude Law spent some time with La Lohan at "The Box" in NY recently. I think it's a club. Or bar. Or some place with lazy owners that couldn't be bothered to come up with a real name.

Jude, you are slummin'. What happened to the Jude I knew and loved? The one that would grace a magazine cover and cause me to debate whether I could afford to buy that magazine and do my laundry. And buy a pint of Ben and Jerry's. I want my money back, Jude! Especially for the Vanity Fair and Details, because they are a rip-off!

It was bad enough when you were hanging with Sienna, and screwing your nanny, but THIS? Firecrotch? Really????

Is recently-out-of-rehab the new, trendy way to meet men? I'm still stuck on thinking online dating is wonky. I guess I should start buying crack.

I'll let the braids slide

Because she's Keri Russell, and she's pregnant, and she's Felicty Porter. Hey!

Sadly, she looks to be in better shape then me. And I'm fine with that. Really.

*sobs*

Ben, hold me.

Izzie better get over herself

Katherine Heigl is pissed and everyone is going to know about it!

She isn't getting as much money as her co-stars on Grey's Anatomy. Well, I guess I would be pissed too.

Too bad they can't get paid by how annoying their character is. She'd be the richest person, EVER. She could buy and sell Bill Gates 100 times over. My gosh, Izzie sucks.

Touchstone released a statement which pretty much says that they own her for six seasons, and if she thinks about taking this to court they'll stick Jackie Chiles on her ass. Now that I would pay to see.

Katie released a statement of her own saying that Touchstone can suck it and that like the Queen of Soul, she too wants some R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

I hope she saved well during her Roswell days, because I can't see her creepy fiance, Josh Kelley, paying for her legal bills. I can see a trip to get his brows waxed before they get married, though.

If I didn't know any better, I would wonder if this sudden hissy over money wasn't to drum up some publicity for her movie Knocked Up. However, I do know better. The movie doesn't come out until June 1st.

Best of luck to you, Katie! And by that I mean let Izzie die in a May sweeps episode when the ghost of Denny gets bored and decides to take out her heart. That'll show her!

AA makes me happy

Nothing says "I'm ready for some help" like a wig and a belly-exposing sweater.

Oh, and don't forget the snazzy boots!

Frisco Jones and Richie's ex

Oh my gravy!

Yes, that is the dumbest thing I've ever said and I blame Rachael Ray because she says it all the time. And it's just so annoying that I had to share. I really can't stand her.

Anyway, this is big news. Jack Wagner and Heather Locklear went to the Dreamworks Night Before party on Saturday. Together. The former Melrose Place co-stars showed up holding hands. In public.

Now, I used to have a huge crush on Jack Wagner when he was Frisco Jones on General Hospital. In retrospect, it isn't one of my better crushes. He sported some seriously weird hair and his clothes were always way too bright, but he sang cheesy love songs and fell in love with Felicia, and since Luke and Laura were off the show I was desperate for a new "It" couple. Don't judge me!

Since leaving GH, he's hopped on to another soap....I want to say a CBS soap. Yeah, that sounds right. Not sure if he's still on, because I don't watch CBS soaps. They always seemed so low-budget to me. And this is coming from someone who watched Marlena become possessed by the devil on Days of Our Lives. Who am I to judge? Well, ME. That's who!

Jack and his GH co-star, Kristina Wagner, ended up getting married. Then she had a nervous breakdown and had to leave the show. Or she left the show before they got married. I'm fuzzy on the details, but I think he cheated on her and she left to freak out for a while. Wagner had some kind of power back then. I probably would have freaked out too. He sang "All I Need" for goodness sakes! And I believe I owned the 45 of that song because I was just that lame.

So, here he is canoodling with Heather at this big party and I come to find out he and Kristina filed for divorce in 2005. Well, in my mind, Frisco and Felicia are still together and he's still a detective(or maybe a police officer)and she's still annoying and talks in a weird little girl/druggie voice. It's the only way I can go on!

I wonder what David Spade thinks about this exciting turn of events.

But it felt more like 4 years

Wow. The Oscar's were longgggggggg. Too long. Please cut out those horrible awards that no one cares about.

I know that's a terrible thing to say but I can't help it! I know the sound people and costume people work just as hard(probably more so, let's be honest)as the actors, but can't those awards be given out the night before? I know. I'm selfish. I want the show over in 2 hours like the SAGs.

*My gosh, 24 was boring tonight*

Anywho, I am so thrilled that Alan Arkin won for Little Miss Sunshine. Well-deserved, Arkin! I know everyone thought Eddie Murphy was going to win(including Eddie), but I'm sure he'll get another chance with Daddy Daycare 2. Can't wait!

Congrats to Helen, Jennifer, and Forest. I am still charmed by Forest weeks after his hosting duty on SNL. Who knew he could sing? I didn't. Seems like a genuine person that enjoys what he does. I'm neither of those things, so it's impressive to see someone who is.

Congrats to little Marty Scorcese. Good for you, Marty! Those eyebrows are really thick, aren't they? Hilarious. Did you see Mark Wahlberg(who looked GREAT)whistling like a fiend when Marty went on stage? So classy.

You know who else looked great? George Clooney. I'm not a huge fan of the slick hair, but he seriously just gets better-looking with age.

Hands down, the Best Dressed Woman of the night was Reese Witherspoon. She looked fierce. Like, "kiss my ass and have fun with your skank, Ryan" fierce. The dress worked. The hair worked. It all worked. I've never felt that I've had one of those moments, so I don't know what that feels like. I remember liking my Garanimals back in the day, and since all you had to do was match the animal tags, it was pretty fool-proof. Maybe that was my fashion moment and I didn't even realize it! Crap.

Ellen did a fine job. I mean, the opening documentary of a good number of nominees wasn't as exciting as a Billy Crystal opening number, but whatevs. Ellen said it was a dream come true for her, and she should be proud. Nothing edgy and there was no picking on anyone(damn), but she made people laugh.

Speaking of making people laugh, Gwyneth Paltrow should get her own sitcom. Once again she proved what a bitch she is and it always makes me howl. I don't have to do any work, Paltrow. Your bitch face does it all for me. Thanks!

Worst Dressed of the night? Oy. Well, I didn't like the following: Anne Hathaway, J.Lo, Penelope Cruz, Nicole Kidman, Gweneth, and Kelly Preston. Meryl didn't look great, either, but I love her and am always willing to give her a pass. SUE ME.

Oh, and no Rachel McAdams with Ryan Gosling. He apparently told People Magazine that she was working, but I like to believe they split up. At least that's what I'll tell anyone who asks. And I really don't know who would, so, YOU'VE heard it here first.

I feel so independent!

Loved the Independent Spirit Awards this year.

Love her or hate her, Sarah Silverman hosted for the 2nd straight year and I thought she did a great job. She's a raunchy, pasty little girl.

Congrats to Ryan Gosling for winning Best Actor. He knows he isn't going to win tomorrow night at the Oscar's, even joking that he has a lot of money riding on Forrest Whitaker. Don't we all, Gosling. Don't we all. Oh, and Rachel McAdams was not there with him. Hmmm.....do I smell a break up? We'll see if they walk the red carpet together tomorrow evening.

A big congrats, as well, to Alan Arkin, screenwriter Michael Arndt and husband and wife team Johnathan Dayton and Valerie Faris for winning Best Supporting Actor, Best First Screenplay, and Best Director for Little Miss Sunshine. The film also took home the Best Picture award. Suck on that!

Kudos to Minnie Driver for singing one of the parody songs for one of the best picture nominees. Those are always fun, and I wish they would do the same at the Oscar's. That show needs a good parody after the opening monologue. Maybe it would help me to not fall asleep waiting for the good awards to be announced.

Oh, and this year's "How the f*** was that person invited to the ceremony but I wasn't" award goes to Taylor Dayne. She was popular 20 years ago! They may as well have invited Stacey Q to sing one of the parodies.

Snorting coke, SNL-style

Brit is still in rehab, so I'm moving on to a blind item about an SNL star that likes to snort coke at the after parties.

Hmmm.........

Well, I refuse to believe it's Amy Poehler. She's thin, but she's too cool for coke. And too naturally funny. I mean, I don't know her personally, but I like to think she is as funny in real life as she is on the show. I read a print interview with her and she was hilarious. That counts! And she's married to Gob Bluth. I mean, that proves it! Proves what, you ask? I have no idea.

Little Amy story: when my sister and I were on our way to see Ms. Keri Russell in the off-Broadway play Fat Pig, I thought I saw Amy on a street corner talking on her cell. So I turn to my sister and say, "That's Amy Poehler!" My sister was like, "Um, we're doing 70+ in this cab, how could you tell?" Well, I know. It was her. Maybe.

Daryl Hammond? Nah.

Keenan? No way. Doesn't coke make you really thin?

I don't think it's Maya. Granted, she did have a nasty case of bed bug infestation in her new apartment last year. That would send me to drugs. And booze. And I think I would cry for hours on end. I once thought I had bed bugs in my apartment. I was consumed with cleaning and almost bought a new mattress. Instead, I just hired an exterminator. Cheaper!

Maybe it's Andy Samberg. He did come up with "Laser Cats" and "Lazy Sunday."

Tune in to see her leg fly off!

Heather Mills is one of 11 celebrities on the new season of Dancing with the Stars. But she's the only one with a fake leg. Special!

The soon-to-be ex of Sir Paul will strut her stuff on the 3rd season, which premieres on Monday, March 19th. Mark those calendars and swing those prosthetics!

Along with Heather, you'll see Billy Ray Cyrus, Ian Ziering, Laila Ali, Vincent Pastore, Apollo Ohno, Paulina Porizkova, Clyde Drexler, Joey Fatone, 2004 Miss USA, Shandi Finnessey, and Leeza Gibbons. Beyond D-List all the way!

Other then the possibility of Heather's leg flying off and hitting Samantha Harris in the head(please let this happen!!!!), the other big story will be whether or not two-time winner Cheryl Burke will be able to take Steve Sanders from the halls of Beverly Hills High and make him a dancer. She has her work cut out for her.

I mean, he's no David Silver.

Carol Channing in rehab

Or Ms. Spears. But that Dollar Store wig she threw on her big bald head the other day reminded me of Carol. Sorry Carol.

Apparently, Brit's dad convinced her to check into Promises. Uh-oh. That place looks like a resort to me. Granted, I don't vacation much, but Malibu is quite lovely and I'm sure the inside is much more swank then the Comfort Inn in PA or the Marriott Hotel in Stamford, CT. Just a hunch.

I do wish Brit the best because she has two children to care for and a comeback album to record. She's got a full plate, and she shouldn't be wasting time puking in limos and shaving off her extensions. Isn't that what she did? I didn't think her real hair was that long.

And that I think about the length of Britney's hair proves that this has been a horrible February sweeps! You hear me, Greg Daniels?!?!

Acute case of the crazies

Oh, Brit.

The little cheese doodle done shaved her head.

Justin, it's time to take your dick out of the box and help your ex. She's two Red Bulls away from throwing herself off the nearest ledge, y'all.

Even though one of my brothers thinks she's just getting ready for her role in the next Aliens sequel, I think it's time that someone steps in and takes her kids away from her. Scare the girl straight and help her pick out a nice wig. Enough is enough.

Remember the good ole' days when it seemed the worst decision she made was opening NYLA? That seems so long ago.