My favorite story of the day

The next film in the Batman series may have a lot of teeth and gums in it. Well, it will if Miley has anything to say about it!

According to The Globe (uh, yeah), young Ms. Cyrus took off her Hannah Montana weave, threw on a batsuit, and tried to pitch herself to Warner Bros. execs as Batgirl.

Say what now?

The mere thought is turning this rainy day into pure golden sunshine. Oh, that is priceless. Was Billy Ray there to throw out lines of dialogue for her to react to? Did one of the Jonai don a Robin suit and ignite a gay gasp in the conference room? Did Sean Young (who, years ago, dressed as Catwoman and embarrassed herself in front of movie execs) pull her suit out of storage and practice purring in front of a mirror?

Oh, the questions raised by this "story." Gold, Jerry!

Everybody hates Gwyneth, but the Brange likes Mickey D's

GOOP herself was not at Comic Con this weekend. Robert Downey Jr, Jon Favreau, and ScarJo were all there promoting Iron Man 2 without the greatest living actress alive. Was she too busy polishing her Oscar? Perhaps she was in the midst of one of her detox cleanses and couldn't leave the bathroom. Or maybe no one asked her stank self to participate and ScarJo is the woman to get all the press this go round and Bye, Gwyneth!

Let's go with the last one.

(In all honesty, is ScarJo that much better? She acts the fool when she is papped at LAX and covers her face. Ugh. Stop, ScarJo. And tell your husband to get the stick out of his ass, as well. A few more box office bombs and he'll be lucky to be asked back for the Two Guys and a Girl tv movie.)

In other news, the Brange was spotted with some of their brood at a McDonald's drive thru this past weekend. HOW FUN! Could you imagine handing over a bag to Brad filled with some fries and a 6-piece mcnuggets? Hilarious. From the looks of her, I'm pretty confident Angie got a soda at most. Girl, enjoy those fries. They are the best and finally cooked in vegetable oil (or so they say).

Live a little, Angie!

Joey Potter kicks up her heels

Oy.

I don't normally watch So You Think You Can Dance because I only have room for one dance competition in my life and that is Dancing with the Stars. I need some type of celeb to get me to watch, even if they are C or below. Plus, who doesn't love watching Bruno and Len out queen each other? Girls, simmer!

Well, tonight Ms. Katie Holmes is going to borrow a pair of Tom's wedges and strut her stuff on SYTYCD on behalf of the Dizzy Feet Foundation. It's a charity she co-founded to support art studies scholarships for kids. Nice job, Katie. Or Kate. Or Robot. Whichever she answers to these days.

This performance was pre-taped, as Katie is now in Australia shooting a movie. (No, it's not her own version of Benji Button, where instead of getting younger, Katie ages by decades in just a few years. Oh, girl. Doesn't Tom have some concealer you can borrow? Those bags aren't going to cover themselves. At least mine don't.)

Was Tom in the audience when this was taped? Was Katie audited before or after by fellow Scientologists? Are any male dancers involved, and did Tommy Boy hand pick them himself? Questions that need answers!

SYTYCD is on at some point tonight on FOX. I'm guessing an 8:00 start with it being the show's 100th episode.

Chris Brown stole my shirt...kind of

Did you check out the Chris Brown apology video on You Tube? Bitch, please!

First of all, I had a similar shirt to the one he wears in the video when I was in junior high. Ummm....that was in the 80s. Are those shirts making a comeback? Are off center buttons going to be the rage again? Were they ever? I swear that I got that shirt at a cool store. Ummm....possibly. Anyway, is Chris trying to bring this look back to distract people from his nonsense? Nice try, ass. Those gold buttons can only distract for so long!

Secondly, he beat the crap out of Rihanna in February. It's now the third week in July. 5 months for your lawyer to come up with a few minutes of dialogue, have someone write it out on cue cards, find an empty office, and rummage through my Good Will bag so you can have something to wear on camera? Really? Hmmm...FAIL!

Is this ass releasing an album soon? Have we been witness to opening night of the Chris Brown Apology Tour? I'm not buying. Who has money after buying U2 tickets? Those boys don't come cheap. And I don't condone violence that you get a slap on the wrist for after spending months jet skiing and hanging out at clubs like you don't have a care in the world.

Chris, get some counseling and stop this charade. Take some time off and get your life together.

My name is Judgey McJudgerson and I approve this message. Without buttons.

This week sucked

Being the lone administrative drone in the office meant not only extra work, but extra time pretending to care. Ugh. No, you don't have to announce you are going to lunch when I see you leave everyday at the same time. Also, please cut down on the amount of cologne you subject the entire office to. Oh, and please shut your office door so that I am not subjected to phone calls with your brother, who, for some reason that only God knows, you feel the need to call by name every five seconds.

For example: Tom, I'm serious. No, Tom, Tom, seriously, Tom. No, Tom. I mean, Tom.....

While that is going on, I have a look on my face similar to the one Esther wears in the poster for the upcoming film, Orphan. Esther is supposed to be a little devil, but she may be my new hero. I won't judge until I see how annoying that step family is. Maybe they talk on the phone and repeat someone's name over and over. If so, Team Esther!

Yanks are back in action after the All-Star break, so let's hope there is some life in their bats (and HGH in their bodies). I'm sure with a few extra days of sun, A-Hole will be glowing a new shade of orange.

500 Days of Summer opens today. Go out and see it. Looks good and has the makings of my favorite summer film. Until I see Orphan, of course. Don't burn me alive, Esther!

Regular blogging next week....whatever that means.

Sam Ronson hates celebrity home tours

This reminds me of when I went on one with a friend years ago. We drove by the Menendez home and some people that were out on the balcony gave us the finger.

Anyway, Samantha Ronson's home in LA is now a stop on one of those star tours and skinny little Sam has her high tops in a bunch over it. She recently tweeted that she told a tour guide to STFU. Oh, Sam.

I thought the only time DJ Sam was home was late at night/early morning when she is woken up by the sound of Lindsay screaming that she's been robbed or that someone hacked her Blackberry. Wouldn't you think Sam would rather deal with a tour guide than Lindsay? I would. Crack is whack, yo!

If it gets to be too much I'm sure Sam will pack up her stereo and headphones and move out of LA. Because it must be nice to have money to do that. Ugh.

STFU, indeed.

Happy Friday, everyone!

Sheer black shirts on men

Ummmm.....

I don't know where to begin.

Oh, here: MEN SHOULD NEVER WEAR THEM. I don't care if you find one in your size or if your girlfriend says you'll be the cutest guy in Da Club if you wear one. First of all, Gag! Secondly, your girlfriend is a loser if she thinks you should wear one and maybe you need to think about why you attract losers over a glass of wine and a good self-help book.

Let's start at the beginning: I used to have a huge crush on Jude Law. Like, I bought magazines if he was on the cover. (How I could afford that when I made less money than I do now is not something to dwell on). Anyway, if you don't know who Jude Law is or are making a face at the mere mention of his name, remember two things: I said USED TO have a crush, as in 'past tense' and ummmm.....did you not see The Talented Mr. Ripley?

Jude was beautiful. Seriously. That accent, that smile, that gleam in his eye. And obviously he was a good actor because he had to put up with Gwyneth's stank attitude but you never saw a hint of "Bitch, please!" on his face.

Jude was fab and everyone loved his performance and he was nominated for Best Supporting Actor by the Academy and won the BAFTA for the role. And he was gracious and charming and married to Sadie Frost and blah blah blah.

Then came the remake of Alfie and his fateful meeting with Sienna Miller.

From then on it was not pretty. Like Maddie without makeup. Left Sadie for Sienna, then had an affair with the nanny, and his career was on a downturn and the more his hair started to recede it was like his body was working against him and actually saying, "Yeah, we want out, you perv. Later!"

Haven't felt the same about Jude since the whole Sienna fiasco because I like to judge and she is stank and a skank and why do men leave their wives for her???? Yes, Balthazar Getty, I'm also looking at you and judging. Tsk Tsk.

Flash forward to now and Jude is getting rave reviews for his starring role in Hamlet over in London. And his hair doesn't look as offensive as a few years ago and he's looked better than he has in a long time.

Then I see a pic of him signing for fans outside the theater in a sheer black shirt. With buttons. And a collar. (Not that it would be okay if it were a sheer black tee, but OMG someone put a collar and buttons on that mess and thought that would make it okay? It doesn't.

As if you weren't dead to me before, Jude.

He may as well have been wearing sandals.

UGH.

I know I haven't posted in a few days and my inbox has been flooded with good wishes and questions as to my whereabouts. Well, first of all, BACK OFF! I answer to no one. Secondly, work has been busy and annoying.

Thanks for your concern, George Glass, and others. Appreciate it!

Where has the time gone?

This week has gotten away from me. What with all the MJ coverage, a sale on Edy's at CVS, and the Yanks playing good baseball, I don't know which end is up.

But, you guys, Kevin Jonas got engaged. OMG! Can you believe it?

GAG! Next!

Neil Patrick Harris did such a good job hosting the Tony's, word is he has been asked to host the Emmy's in September. Love you, Neil. That would be fab and would help heal the painful memory of the five reality hosts from last year. Ugh. Still dry heave at the thought.

Unfortunately, I won't be trying for red carpet bleacher seats this year. In fact, I won't even be watching the ceremony live. (Don't fail me, TiVo!) On September 20th, I will be at Gillette Stadium watching U2 on fold out chairs and cursing people that are tall. Word to all: I will cut anyone that gets on another person's shoulders and blocks my view. You have been warned, dumb girls with dumb boyfriends who will tailgate in the parking lot and then try to make life miserable for those of us who are too old to put up with your crap. Old bitches can be scary and I will not tolerate nonsense.

Happy 4th, everyone!

My money is on Lindsay

They are dropping like flies in Hollywood.

Who will be next?

Well, if I was someone that had money enough to gamble, I would go all in on Lindsay. GIRL IS LOOKING BUSTED. Like a crack whore, yo.

The MGM Grand must be hard up for publicity, so they let Linds and her spray tan AND HER ACTUAL SPRAY TAN PRODUCT invade and infest their hotel this past weekend. Oh la. Spray some orange crap on me and get me to the nearest drug dealer! Mmmm...drugs.

This Thursday, Lindsay turns 23. Being an emaciated has been has never looked so bad.

Oy.

And Dina Lohan probably still thinks she is Mother of the Year.

Farrah Fawcett

RIP, Jill Munroe.

After a very public battle with cancer, Farrah passed away at the age of 62.

I was a huge fan of Charlie's Angels, which Farrah co-starred in from '76-'80. Ummmm....wasn't I too young to be watching that show? Anyway, I always wanted to be Kelly (Jaclyn Smith) when my friends and I played Charlie's Angels. I'm guessing my rationale was that I was also brunette and must have liked Kelly's flowing locks (unlike my frizzy rat's nest). Gah!

Anyway, Farrah said "Later, ladies!" after one season and went on to have a long career in film and television. She took home a Golden Globe for her portrayal of Francine Hughes in The Burning Bed, the 1984 tv movie about an abused wife that finally gets justice. I remember watching that on tv. INTENSE. She was also very good in the tv movie Small Sacrifices, in which she portrayed Diane Downs....a woman that shot her three children (killing one) because they stood in her way of happiness with her married lover. Oy.

Both films are probably on Lifetime at least once a year, so check them out.

A new job for The Diva?

In addition to baking with organic goods and walking around construction sites with workboots and sass, I think I just found a new job for our resident Diva: recapping the trainwreck of Audrina Patridge's new show on MTV.

Sounds like a whole lot of wasted time and money for the network, but they don't seem to mind.

Easily one of the dumbest people alive, I'm sure having a camera follow her around while she fake lives her life and pretends to have a job will be riveting. Appointment television, for sure.

Filming begins at the end of summer.

In other news, our company picnic was lame-o. Mayo-drenched macaroni salad and watermelon slices don't cut it, picnic planners. Vegetarians get the short end of the stick again.

I need some caffeine

Seriously. Very tired the last few days. I'll blame the Yankees mental cruelty by sucking as badly as the Mets. For shame, boys. Time to tap off the syringe and get back to winning. Ugh. Atlanta. Chipper Jones meets his equal in skeeviness with A-Rod.

What else?

Oh, right. J&K+8. Bye bye, marriage. Those kids should run away as fast as they can.

Joe Jonas is a bitter bitch! Last night, he and his eyebrows gave a verbal smack to one Ms. Taylor Swift. Easy, Tweezy. While performing one of their lame ass songs, Much Better, Joe replaced the line "Now I'm done with super stars" with "Now I'm done with country stars." Mmmm hmmm. Could he have been talking about Kenny Chesney? Well, of course. But, I guess the real money is on Taylor. Doesn't he have a girlfriend? Simmer down, Joe Jonas, and use a lower setting on your straight iron.

Cammie D. got a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame yesterday. Was it deserved? Probably not. I mean, she was in two films that I've found entertaining: There's Something About Mary and In Her Shoes. However, she's in a lot of crap that I wouldn't even rent. But that's just me. And toothy Tom Cruise let Katie out of the house long enough for a show of support during the ceremony. How sweet.

The less said about Chris Brown's plea deal, the better.

A worthy opponent for Shiloh

People is reporting that Tom and Gisele are expecting their first child. Good news for those of us that saw pics of her modeling this week and thought she had swallowed half a basketball.

This will be the 2nd child for Tom, who has a son with actress Bridget Moynahan. Guess all the pins in the voodoo dolls didn't work, Bridge.

Congrats to the happy couple, who will undoubtedly want a "Beauty Off" between their child and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. May the best genes win!

CMA Festival Day 3

And guess what? It's my last recap post, since Day 4 consisted of travel to various states. Sorry, dear readers, you are just going to have to put down the bong and use Google to read about who performed on the final day.

So, Day 3 - Saturday. Feeling better thanks to the power of prayer and white rice. The sun was out and it looked to be a great day to walk around and see all that downtown Nashville had to offer. And guess what? It offered a freebie bag with a nice commemorative program! Thank you, CMA Fest, for rewarding us for our 4-day passes. Would it have killed you to throw in a meet-n-greet with Darius Rucker? No, it would not have. But I digress.

A walk over to the Convention Center for Fan Fest proved that the sun is out and proud (and doesn't care who knows it!). I needed shelter soon or my Nicole Kidmanesque skin was going to burn right off.

Ah. Better. Inside there was air conditioning and food. I made it bland with a banana and found a place to park it. While waiting for my Aunt, The Diva, and Erin, I heard music coming from the floor below. Something was happening and my Spidey Senses were tingling (not to be confused with Speidi Senses, which would be an oxymoron). Down the escalator I went and found that The Divas of Daytime had made it all the way from Pine Valley (All My Children) and Llanview (One Life to Live). For real. Kassie DePaiva, Bobbie Eakes, and Kathy Brier were singing to a packed room of fans. My camera was acting all Lo Bosworth and not cooperating. Or maybe the lighting in the room SUCKED IT and my pics didn't come out too well. No worries, though. My stomach was cooperating and all was right with the world. On to the booths of Fan Fest!

There were a lot of fans wandering around. Some were in line for pics and autographs of people I didn't know. Oh, look: Dolly's booth, complete with cutout. Her waist is really tiny. I have no idea how she stands upright.

After a few minutes of wandering around, who do we see but The Divas of Daytime. They work quick! No rest for the weary. A performance and then on to a booth. I took a few pics and could see they were very sweet with the fans. They know better than anyone the power of a strong fanbase. Daytime audiences are a loyal bunch and can really keep you steadily employed for years. Decades, even. I know Kassie has been with One Life to Live for a very long time. Nice work if you can get it, I'm sure.

Next stop was The Wildhorse Saloon. An annoying sound check was taking place as we found seats. Oy. Work those kinks out early. *Smack* The band finally got it together and played a few songs before taking it elsewhere. Someone jumped on the loudspeaker and announced that dance lessons would start soon. Erin was thrilled, as she was ready to strut her stuff and show Nashville what's what.

Now, here is where Nashville and the Northeast differ. In Nashville, "soon" can mean up to hours later. In the Northeast, "soon" can AND DOES mean "within thirty minutes, TOPS, or I will key your car, pull your weave, and shove my Louboutin up your ass." But, we were in Nashville, and the dance lessons started roughly 90 minutes after the first announcement. (Oh, before then, Erin made her way down to the dance floor and learned a new dance from one of the staffers at the saloon. It was just the two of them treating the patrons to a sassy dance that featured stomping, turns, and knee lifts. Do I see a new workout video in the making?).

Let's call the dance instructor "Sparkles" because her cowboy boots did just that. After teaching Erin a dance, it was time for Sparkles to bring in the rest of the crowd. Erin was joined by my Aunt while The Diva and I watched from above. Kudos to all that got out there and took a turn on the floor. With the exception of the dude wearing flip flops, everyone tried their best to look like a human being with rhythm and common sense (DUDE, seriously, having a few beers in your system is no excuse to hold one of your flops in your hand while trying to dance. And STOP with the flip flops. Men should not expose their feet in public. EVER. Not even if you are at the beach. Wear water shoes. No one wants to see what lurks underneath your socks).

You can look for my thesis, "Keep Them Covered: the psychological ramifications of exposed male feet to the public" this Fall in Barnes & Noble stores worldwide and at Amazon.com.

After a rousing time at The Wildhorse, it was time to move on. Erin went to visit a friend and my Aunt, The Diva, and I went looking for food. We found a Panera and OMG....I could go for a toasted bagel right now. That was good! Love Panera.

Oh, how's this for wacky? On the way back to the car, we saw a line outside the Convention Center. Wanting to know what the deal was, my Aunt enquired and we found out that people were waiting in line for Taylor Swift. Not for concert tickets, but for the opportunity to meet her at her booth at Fan Fest. Tomorrow. Like, not Saturday, but Sunday. Seriously. People were sleeping outside over night (EWWWW, where's the bathroom???) in order to get wristbands (I think) at 8:30 Sunday morning that allowed them to be in line to meet Taylor. That is some dedication. I don't think I would even do that for U2. Well....hmmmm....no, I can't see myself sleeping outside. I don't like camping, and at least then you have a tent. This is a line that formed on concrete and didn't get more comfortable as the night wore on. Plus, you'd have to deal with other people and their conversations and sleeping habits and ugh. Stop. No way. Did I mention that it was a little after 7pm when we walked by this line? Craziness.

From there it was a hop, skip, and a car ride away to the field for the concert. And just who did we see? Well, check out this lineup: Josh Turner, Jamey Johnson, Jason Michael Carroll, Lee Ann Womack aka Stephanie Pratt (HA!), Wynonna Judd, Naomi Judd (Wynonna performed solo and was then joined by Naomi), Trace Adkins, and Martina McBride.

A few observations: Wynonna looks tranny. I'M SORRY! She needs to tone down the makeup. Her features are too severe. Oh, Wynnie. Less is more. Really.

Trace Adkins could easily become the next WWE champion. Good gracious, dude is scary. He could play the long lost cousin of The Undertaker and Kane. What? I know these things.

Martina McBride is a slight little thing with a huge voice. She was the perfect person to end the evening.

And with that, Day 3 came to a close. Complete with fireworks!

As I said earlier, Sunday was the last day of the Festival and it was travel day for myself, The Diva, and Erin. Little did I know that my plane ride would allow me two more star sightings. Well, it did! Jimmy Fallon and Kassie DePaiva were in First Class (ELITISTS!) on my flight home. Jimmy performed at Bonnaroo aka Stoner Fest and looked adorable in his polo and khakis. Love ya, James!

My sincere thanks to my Aunt, her dog, Ginger, The Diva, Erin, Pepto, rice, the nice people of Nashville, Darius Rucker, and all that participated in the Festival. Kudos to all. Lemon, out!

CMA Music Festival - Day 2

Before I get to my recap of Day 2, let me address something I forgot to touch on yesterday. I'm sure by now you have all heard about Speidi vs. Al Roker. I guess the gruesome twosome is on a publicity tour after the debacle of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! UGH. Stop. These two make me want to reach for the Pepto and take lessons at a shooting range (for BB guns, of course, Officer!).

The bottom line is this: don't mess with Al Roker aka Al Nino. The man endured Bryant Gumbel. He isn't afraid of two people with a combined IQ of 5 that wouldn't know integrity if it stumbled up to them during a staged photo op on Robertson Blvd. and bit them on the legs. Team Roker 4 Eva!

Moving on.....

So, Day 2 of the CMA Music Festival was Friday. How can I put this gently without offending the two of you who might be reading this? Umm....oh, wait. If it's the two I'm thinking of, you were there and know what happened. Well, let me recap anyway for those of you that might stumble onto this blog after an all-night bender: my stomach ailment decided to put down roots and fester. Isn't 'fester' a disgusting word? Well, it works in this situation.

That meant I was homebound at my Aunt's and got to catch up on my soaps. Did you know that so and so lied about the father of her baby? She did. Whore! And the guy that thought he was the father was pissed, but only after his mother accused him of being an idiot for trusting that slut. Oh, mothers. They really know how to bring out the best in us. And that other guy, who has been on the show forever, was doing something evil. Or something. I don't know. It was Friday, after all, and bad things usually happen or are set up to happen on Monday. My head was spinning! Darius, catch me. I'm feeling weak.

While I was drinking Sprite, hallucinating, and hoping that my cat was being well taken care of back in Stamford, my Aunt, The Diva, and Erin hit up Fan Fest. That's where they set up booths for different artists and you can have your picture taken with them and get an autograph. Don't crowd Chuck Wicks, ladies (or gays), because Julianne will take off her heel and gouge your eyes out with it! Little does she know that some of us are still trying to recover from the long-sleeved black lace (yes, I said LACE) shirt that poor Chuck had to wear during one of their routines on Dancing with the Stars this past season. I need to talk to the wardrobe department STAT. Stop taking Louie Van Amstel's suggestions!

There was also a stop at the Wildhorse Saloon. This place is fun (as I would find out on Saturday). Three levels encase a stage and dance floor. You can hear bands play as well as get dance lessons from some of the staff. Yee-haw!

Later on, it was time for the show. My Aunt and I stayed home this night, but The Diva and Erin were treated to Little Big Town, Rodney Atkins, Lady Antebellum, Jake Owen, The Zac Brown Band, Jason Aldean, and Kid Rock (well, actually, they missed his set which neither seemed to mind because he's Kid Rock and just...NO). The absence of rain meant that the concert went off without a hitch and a good time was had by all.

Tomorrow: Sipping ginger ale and spotting a tranny on stage

So behind

I was away for a few days and am behind in my blogging. My apologies to all of you (huh?) that have been curled into a ball crying your eyes out.

Get up, get a tissue, wipe your eyes, and breathe deep.

It will be okay.

Linds is still too thin, Suri still isn't wearing shoes, Brit is still keeping it together, and John Krasinski still won't return my calls that I make on my pretend phone.

Was in Nashville for the CMA Festival with my Aunt Lori, The Diva, and loyal reader and Penn State graduate, Erin. We had a blast and would like to thank all those in TN for their hospitality and courteous nature. I would also like to thank God and the power of Pepto for getting me through a stomach virus at a most inconvenient time.

Did someone say tornado warning? No? Well, you should. Because we had one. First night of the Festival was delayed for 3 hours due to severe storms. It was quite a sight. Are you there, God? It's me, a Darius Rucker fan. Please don't let me die without seeing him perform some of his solo material.

Thankfully, Erin's flight delay actually worked out okay, as she only missed Brooks & Dunn and two songs by Reba. Did I mention that B&D performed for 45 minutes? Ummm....I know it wasn't just my upset stomach wishing that would end.

After fearing for our lives within the glass-enclosed Club Level, the rain finally came to an end and the concert resumed....at 12:30 Friday morning! Say what, now? It's true. The concert actually resumed. We were all stunned. The question then became, who remained to perform? Was this Julianne Hough's time to shine as she starts her music career? Or was some crew member going to emerge from the shadows and perform his version of "Ring of Fire" because all of the professional acts ran for the hills?

Luckily, Joe the Roadie was not on the schedule for the early morning concert. (Sorry, Joe. Your time will come soon!). The doofy MC announced that it was "Capitol Records recording artist, Darius Rucker!!!!" Yee-Haw and all that, bitches! Darius not only flashed his pearly whites, but he also kicked our collective asses with 4 songs and a two-step to boot! Hootie is here and you all better bow down. Wipe the rain from your face and try to keep up with his fancy footwork. His foray into the crowd during his last song (which The Diva told me was "Family Tradition" by Hank Williams, Jr.) was the capper to his lively performance. It was just what we needed after fearing that we were going to be swept up by a tornado and thrown into a tree in Oz. Thank you, Darius!

Dierks Bentley and Brad Paisley rounded out the early morning show, which ended at 2:00am. All three men were energetic and appreciative of the crowd that stayed through the rain. As someone who isn't too familiar with country music, I was impressed and thought it was a great start to the 4-day Festival.

Tomorrow: Pass the Pepto and bring on Night 2.

Poison at the Tony's

This isn't the title of a new murder mystery, but rather a fact about last night's award show.

Seriously. The group Poison. At The Tony's.

Lead by nasty ass mimbo, Bret Michaels, the group performed (well, Bret lip synched) "Nothing But a Good Time" from the 80's homage musical, Rock of Ages.

I hope the front row was up-to-date on their shots. Who knows what you can catch from just being near Bret?

Well, as the song ended, the group was to exit stage right. According to a producer, Bret "missed his mark," and was hit by some scenery for the next performance. Whoops! But, like any good old dude that was in a popular band years ago, Bret wasn't going to let a little scenery to the face get in the way of free booze. The horse-haired playa made his way to the after parties, so he must be okay. Or just hammered enough that he won't feel any pain until Thursday.

NPH as host was divine.

Dawson, Joey, Pacey, and Jen were bitches

Sounds like a stern talking to from Gran wouldn't have helped these troubled youths.

Last night in LA LA Land, Tom Kapinos, creator of Californication, talked about his days as show runner on Dawson's Creek. He did not mince words when asked why his experience was "miserable."

Are you ready? Grab a snack. Get comfy. I'll wait.

"It was the four monstrous actors at the core of it."

MMMMM HMMMM.

Dude called out James, Katie, Josh, and Michelle for being stank on set. Tommy boy went on to say "They were young, and they got very famous, and they made life miserable for any writer or producer on the show."

The Beek I can see. He seems the type to count words in the script to make sure he had the most. Katie could maybe be a 'mean girl' that wanted all of the attention. Josh was probably the 'class clown' on set, and that would grate on my last nerve. Michelle always seemed like the one who wanted out first. She was probably already dreaming of living in Brooklyn and making indies and spending a lot of time in her trailer making voodoo dolls of other cast members.

On the flip side, of course, this dude got stuck with the college years of the show. Those were bad. I mean, they were no Felicity, and that is the standard by which all college years should be judged by.

Amazing, right?

Stop it, tabloids

Jon and Kate covers are killing me.

Ugh. I feel sick.

The recap you've all been waiting for

Even though it's a day late. The Diva apparently does not believe in deadlines.

*smack*

If, like me, you took a look at this mess of a finale, you are still recovering and reading encyclopedias in an attempt to grow back some brain cells.

So long, Lauren! Tonight is the night we say goodbye to Lauren, hello (again) to Kristin, and WTF to the official union of Speidi. Can you even handle it all?

Forget about Lauren's next steps, Lo. What are you gonna do with yourself now that your bestie is saying adios to this cash cow?

Do not subject swans to this wedding. Let them roam free.

Did crackhead Stephanie really expect to be Heidi's maid of honor (MOH in wedding jive)?

Who are these background no-names at Heidi's bridal shower? They reek of paid extras.

While out to dinner with Brody, Lauren didn't understand what anyone with two brothers already knows: boys never outgrow the pure comedy that anything fart related delivers.

I couldn't tell if Spencer and Brody were going to tearfully embrace or erupt into a fist fight during their meet and greet. Weird vibes all around those two.

Stephanie gives one toast and all of a sudden she thinks she's a philosopher or something.

Heidi's family is totally losing their collective mind on the eve of this wedding. Dys-functional.

Spencer's groomsmen (friends or paid extras again...you decide) have real jobs? Shocking.

Maybe Lauren will decide to break into acting next. She knows that she is gonna fold and go to the wedding but she does a good job of making us believe otherwise.

Brent Bolthouse, it's been way too long since we've seen you in a stupid looking hat.

Stacie the Bartender has certainly gotten more miles than I thought she would. Showing up to the wedding is crazy bold. But mostly just crazy.

I see Kristin didn't think a bra should be a part of her wedding ensemble. Besides that, doesn't she look a little bit like she has "crazy eyes" now? I'm calling an overall downgrade from her Laguna days.

Why in the non-MTV produced world would Justin Bobby get an invite to the wedding? He's not friends with the bride or groom and he has an inappropriate wedding fashion sense.

Does Lauren have Secret Service to go along with her chauffeured car? I guess she just wanted to go out in style.