Let the blank stares begin

Another season of The Hills dropped last night. Our resident Diva was there to catch it, dissect it, and make it more palatable to the average person. Buckle up, because it's going to be a bumpy ride:

There are some things that just keep coming back into the mix no matter how much you'd love for them to go away. Have you heard the latest single to drop from the (never) celebrated team of vocalist Heidi Montag and producer Spencer Pratt? It's not any better than Ms. Heidiwood's previous offerings. But, it is good for a laugh. Or a cry.

And other things seem like they're going to be gone forever but luckily they hang around for a bit longer. At the end of every recent Hills season, Lauren will tell anyone who will listen that she has had enough of the obtrusive cameras and is ready to call it quits. But all you have to do is wait a few months and Lauren and her posse inevitably return to the MTV airwaves with refreshed highlights and the latest designer duds.

So, hang onto your hobo bags, another season begins of The Hills starts...now.

Stephanie and Heidi are concocting a plan to throw in an extra surprise at Lauren's surprise birthday party since Heidi is going even though she's not invited. Surprise! Here's your ex-friend and you're gonna be trapped on a boat with her all night long!

This episode scores points early on for throwing in some Kelly Clarkson goodness. Love that song.

Ooh, I want Lo to order me a birthday cake. Sigh. One day.

I spotted Holly in the back of the crowd at Lauren's birthday. Will there be some added sisterly drama on this birthday boat?

Why is Spencer's face so shiny? The sheen coupled with those awkward gestures at the bar is just an unfortunate combination.

First Lo dishes out some wise words to Heidi, and then she shoots her a quality eye roll as she walks away. Gotta love that Lo.

Can we talk about Spencer's friend Charlie for a second? Ew. Any girl with a pulse and more than 5 brain cells (I'm looking at you bartender girl) should be immediately repelled by these two.

Am I the only one that expected Heidi to dive into the water and start frantically paddling to get to Spencer? She wasn't getting the whole middle of the water, not near land concept.

Whoa, I didn't think Spencer was actually gonna hit that kid. I figured he was all talk. Note: My arms are the same size as Spencer's.

Thank you Heidi for making the birthday girl cry. Hello Debbie Downer.

Stephanie is totally laying the smackdown on Spencer. It's taken a few years, but she's finally making sense when she speaks and isn't standing for any of his crap.

Heidi is stompin' around town in her boots and short skirt, and she's not gonna stop until she confronts this bartender.

Can't Darlene see that playing the nice mom card hasn't worked all along? It's time to lock Heidi up and not let her out until she agrees to ditch Spencer. Drastic times...

If Stephanie keeps defending Heidi, Lauren is going to pick up a bolt of fabric and beat her over the head with it. You know how those FIDM girls get around swatches.

Now we have Brody vs. Spencer. Good (?) vs. Evil. Showered vs. Looks Like A Drug Addict.

Ah, this was just the beginning of the Hills goodies for this season. Be back next Monday to see what great/awful things unfold in the next ep.

Is she on steroids too?

Baseball season officially kicked off last night, but for me it officially begins at 4:05 today when my Yanks take on the Baltimore Orioles at Camden Yards.

What makes this season especially joyous is the absence of A-Rod at third base. If only it were permanent. Sigh. Cody Ransom 4 Ever!

Oh, let's see.....celeb news? Well, Linds had a fun little escapade Friday night when being denied entrance into a Charlotte Ronson party. Looks like Sammy has had enough of the drama and told security she was not allowed in. Linds was having none of that (but, apparently, was having every drug under the moon) and threw a fit rivaled only by my sister when she stomps her feet. It took five security guards to calm Linds down and send her cranked up ass on it's merry way.

FIVE SECURITY GUARDS!?!?!?!?!?!?! Drugs give you super powers! HGH, anyone?

Poor Linds. She, her 45-year-old sister and her orange mother are rumored to be holed up at the Chateau Marmont. Drama!

It's sad, let's be honest. And we're not even talking about her leggings line.

Go Yanks!

Tim Riggins leads a double life

Earlier this week, the film X-Men Origins: Wolverine was leaked to the internet. The film is expected to be a huge blockbuster when it is released next month, and 20th Century Fox is pissed off about the leak and ready to go Naomi Campbell on the culprit.

I know some people are excited about this film because of an allegiance they have to one Mr. Taylor Kitsch from Friday Night Lights. In the upcoming film, Taylor plays Gambit - a mutant that can turn an ordinary playing card into a deadly weapon and still find time to play football and woo Lyla Garrity.

Oh, wait.

I know others are not as excited about this film because they feel like, "WHO THE HELL IS THIS TV BOY AND IS HIS HAIR SUPPOSED TO LOOK UNWASHED?"

Let's all simmer down and wait to see the film on the big screen starting May 1st.

On a different note, I would just like to announce that I had no idea a new season of The Hills premieres this Monday. Billed as "Lauren's last season," I'm sure it will be amazing.

GAG.

I wonder how many episodes The Diva will actually review of this shocking season. She is moving to another state in a few weeks, so I can see her excuse being that she just doesn't have the time.

Let's see if her fans revolt!

Dina Lohan makes me violent

As in, 'After reading about Dina Lohan acting the fool, I was forced to eat chocolate in order to curb my violent rage of hate."

Or something like that.

So, The Always Orange One takes her two skanky daughters to Villa and assumes that they will have no trouble getting in. You know, because she is Dina Lohan and sooo important and her one daughter is a has been but in Dina's world she is still a relevant actress and her other daughter is a never was but in Dina's world is an aspiring singer.

Who cares that the aspiring singer is only 15? She looks at least 3 times that!

Well, the bouncer was having none of it. Who in their right mind would risk their job for the Lohan's? Thankfully, not this dude. He told them to beat it and have a nice life and WHY ARE YOU ORANGE????

So Dina, in a fit of entitlement and mania, screams the question that separates good people and d-bags. Are you ready? I'm sure you know what is coming, but here it is anyway:

"Do you know who I am?"

For real. With a straight face, even. Maybe she is the true "actor" in the family!

Well, little Linds must have been needing a fix (and fast!), because she jumps in with "You're making a huge mistake. Huge!"

OH MY GOSH, SHUT UP LOHAN'S!!!!!

That bouncer deserves a raise. Kudos, sir!

Hold on to your sequins and feathers

Because after what feels like FOREVEVER, Project Runway is finally coming back to a tv near YOU! And me! And anyone who is fabulous and loves Tim Gunn.

NBC Universal, The Weinstein Company, and Lifetime television were locked in a bitchy battle of wills over the Weinstein's moving PR from Bravo to Lifetime. A settlement was reached and the 6th season of PR will premiere this summer. Bravo is out, Lifetime is in. Fierce!

Let's hope this season was worth the wait! Auf Wiedersehen!

Just when you thought he couldn't get any more annoying

John Mayer ups the ante on his foolishness.

Did you know he was on a four-day music cruise to Mexico? And that the ship is called the 'Mayercraft Carrier 2?' Ugh.

John pulled on his whitest short shorts and donned his Captain's hat (channeling a more flamboyant Captain Stubing, perhaps?) and showed off a pair of skinny, hairy legs. Gag.

Jennifer Aniston went from Brad to Vince to John. Life isn't always fair, is it Jenny?

Almost as upsetting as the prospect of being trapped on a boat with John Mayer, is the fact that people spent money to be trapped on a boat with John Mayer. Like, they voluntarily paid money to spend time with him. On a boat. In the ocean.

I feel like a moment of reflection is needed. Followed by a shot of Pepto.

An assortment of goodies

Rihanna got a gun tattoo from tattoo artist BangBang. Message to Chris Brown?

Mrs. Chris Martin has designed a Fall/Winter 09 collection with French Label ZOEtee. It's called "ZOEtee's Loves Gwyneth" and consists of what I'm sure will be overpriced crap that fits sizes 0-4. The good news is that proceeds from every piece sold will be donated to London's Kids Company, which provides support in various ways to at risk children and young people.

Beyonce's publicist has stated that she has a 19-inch waist. Ummm....no. B, as annoying as she is, has curves that she seems to embrace. I applaud her for having a real body. However, having her publicist come out with this garbage is proof that everything in the entertainment industry comes down to weight. Very sad.

Speaking of, Scarlett Johansson is thinning down for her upcoming role in Iron Man 2. You know. Because she's SO HUGE. Gah. She's almost, but not completely, got the Christina Ricci 'big head on a small body' look going on. Not attractive. Just sad.

Also sad? Lindsay Lohan's film, Labour Pains is premiering on ABC Family before going to dvd. WHAT THE HELL? Oh, Linds. I feel badly for ABC Family.

Maddie is planning to adopt another baby from Malawi. A little girl this time. Some advice on how to choose a baby: whichever one doesn't cry when seeing your scary hands and worked-over face. Good luck.

This is your mind on crack

Lindsay Lohan is the gift that keeps on giving...and I don't just mean STDs. Sam Ronson, get tested!

Little Girl Lost gave an interview with E! (because they are as cracky as she is, I guess), and the crack talk was amped up to 11:

With everything that's gone on with my family, my parents still taught us how to have tact, class, respect for others and how to follow our dreams and never change who we are for anyone or anything.

"Class" and "Lohan" do not go hand-in-hand. In fact, they don't even live in the same atmosphere. That family is whack.

If people would just leave my personal life alone—because it's really not that interesting—then I could land a great role.

Ummm...your personal life is the only thing people know about you now, Linds. Mean Girls was years ago. You know what was more recent? I Know Who Killed Me. How that was overlooked for an Oscar I'll never know. So powerful! Also more recently...club appearances with Sammy, a line of leggings, orange skin, weight loss, stringy hair, and rehab. Oh, and the crack. And the fighting with Sammy. And the shopping sprees.

SHUT IT, LINDS! YOU GOT KICKED OFF OF UGLY BETTY!! You couldn't even keep it together long enough for a story arc on Ugly Betty. Stop with the whining and get thee to real rehab where you aren't given beautiful oceanfront views and catered food.

I'd like to have my own charity, do work overseas, be in Oscar-nominated films, write movies, produce movies/shows/videos, design clothes, make music, write books, etc. It's all possible if people would just stop judging me and accusing me and making me out to be this aloof, spoiled, ungrateful and unprofessional person that I am not and could never be.

Oh my.

Very ambitious, isn't she? For someone that can't hold a job and blows through money, that is. Yikes.

The bottom line is that we are each responsible for our actions. If people think you are an unprofessional brat, that means you have done things to warrant that belief. People aren't picking these thoughts out of the air. Stop blaming other people for your life, Linds. Otherwise I'm going to start calling you "My Mother 2.0."

My gosh, this girl is tedious.

Angie needs Detox?

According to The Sun, Angie Jolie is on a liquid diet to lose weight.

From her lips? Because those plumpers are the only thing on her with any weight.

The earth mother and Brad Pitt admirer is currently filming the CIA thriller, Salt. She does all of her own stunts (well, excuse me!) and people on set are worried she will be too weak to perform. Will she use the power of her children to get her through?

You know Zahara's 'Bitch, please!' looks could rule the world.

Given that this story is from The Sun, we should take it with a grain of salt.

Ha! Salt. Get it?

I need chocolate.

Fergie doll is trannylicious!

Fergie Ferg Duhamel had a meet-n-greet at The Grove in Los Angeles on Saturday for her new shoe line (stripper heels, anyone?).

At the event, she was presented with a doll made in her image. Her tranny image!

Fergie Ferg's doll looked like a cranked out Diva performing in the Meat Packing District in NYC....complete with red satin gloves, bustier, and garter belt. Whoop!

Luckily, this doll won't pee itself on stage.

New couple alert....sort of

Rumor swirling that Ryan Gosling is trying to get together with Natalie Portman. Interesting.

Although nothing will beat McGosling (Gortman? Gosman? Portling?), I am intrigued by this possible match. Both are actors with brains that do a lot of work promoting issues in other countries, such as Darfur. Also, they are both really pretty and should have lots of pretty babies.

Kidding! I'm not 12.

But, since Rachel McAdams is hanging out with Josh Lucas these days, I'd like to see Ryan move on and find happiness.

And, can we talk about Rachel and Josh? Ugh. Rachel...really? Josh Lucas was cute in Sweet Home Alabama, but that was back in 2002. Now he kind of looks like an uncle that would get drunk at holiday parties and embarrass you.

I'm not feeling that pairing at all.

A-Rod makes it too easy

Pick up Details magazine and see for yourself why the only person A-Rod could ever love is himself.

But please, do it on an empty stomach.

This story makes my life

Oh, Julia Roberts. You ass.

Last night, in NYC, the premiere of Duplicity. It stars Clive Owen and That Woman. The one with the huge mouth and hideous laugh. The one that was so taken with herself when she won an Oscar that she couldn't be bothered to acknowledge (MUCH LESS THANK) Erin Brockovich. You know Erin, right? The woman that Horsey played in a film entitled Erin Brockovich in order to win that gold statue. The one that did the honest-to-goodness work it took to expose corruption and help the families that suffered physically and emotionally because people thought they were dispensable.

I can still see her up on that stage (while watching in the death trap known as the Rodeway Inn in State College), laughing and howling and telling the orchestra conductor that she wasn't going to allow him to play her off stage.

I HATE HER SO MUCH.

Well, a few years back, Jules decided to try her hand at Broadway. She starred in "Three Days of Rain" and, no, I didn't buy a ticket. Even though I adore Paul Rudd. Ugh. Paul deserved so much better. So did Bradley Cooper (who I have since learned to love).

Roger Friedman gave a review of the play that Jules found less then complimentary. Boo hoo. So, when he tried to interview her on the red carpet last night, she was rude like you read about. Because GOD FORBID SOMEONE NOT FALL AT HER FEET AND THINK SHE IS THE GREATEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD. She likes to hold a grudge. Classy, Jules. Very classy.

Now I know you are thinking, "But aren't you holding a grudge against Julia?" Yes. Yes, I am.

But I don't know Julia. I'll most likely never meet her. And even if I did, I can fake nice with the best of them. Jules, obviously, cannot.

Best of luck with the movie.

HATE!

I really can't stand Gwyneth Paltrow

That's all.

Transfixed by a weave

This week has been crazy. Audit at work has zapped all of my energy...and all of my computer time at work. RUDE! I mean, really.

Had a few minutes to look at some entertainment news and saw that Katie Holmes has done got herself a weave over in Tokyo. Little Joey Potter showed it off at the Valkyrie premiere. My my. Very correspondent glam. She could be a new co-host on The Daily 10.

Anything to get away from Tom, right?

She still looks beat as hell and shell shocked. Poor Katie. That contract is looking like a mistake, isn't it?

Maybe Suri will use her super Scientology powers to save you both. Fingers crossed!

Some FNL love

Did you miss 6's last episode of Friday Night Lights last Friday? Well, you should be shot.

Good stuff. Was never a huge Jason Street fan, but I was happy with how his storyline was wrapped up on the show. Let's not lie....the chances of him becoming a sports agent overnight are non-existent, but it's nice to think of this guy getting a break for once. I mean, he becomes paralyzed from the waist down playing football, his girlfriend and best friend sleep together (and are currently dating), and he's got a goofy haircut. I mean, really.

For a nice read, check out ew.com. Scott Porter, who played Jason, blogs about his final few months on the show. You can also read a blog from Gaius Charles, who played Brian "Smash" Williams on the show. Good stuff. Sounds like a great cast and crew make that show tick.

You should also check out April's Vanity Fair for an interview with Taylor Kitsch, who plays Tim Riggins. He'll next be seen on the big screen in Wolverine and likes to drop the 'f' bomb.

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose.

Coincidence? I think not.

The Chicago Sun Times reported last week that things were not all sunshine and roses in the Justin Timberlake/Jessica Biel relationship. Report was that Justin was growing tired of the relationship. Ugh. Could you imagine? They both seem so tedious and you can just tell Justin needs all the attention all the time. Good gracious, that would be a full-time job. Good thing she doesn't work much.

Well, fast forward to Saturday night on SNL. Justin cameos with Andy Samberg on Weekend Update. Funny enough. Suddenly, in struts Jessica as Jessica Rabbit. Oy. Was her butt padded? Hard to tell. Justin chewed the scenery as soon as she showed up, finishing off with a few robot dance moves that allowed him to exit stage left several seconds after her. You know he is always the last to leave. Must soak up every last bit of attention.

Gave me a stomach ache.

So, for now, Tiel (or is it Bimberlake?) is just fine.

At least as long as they can both get some airtime.

New Office tonight

Remember this show called The Office? It was on after the Superbowl this year. It's now in it's 5th season on NBC.

You know it. I know it. Does NBC know it?

The show has been knee-deep in a strange schedule this season: a new episode here, a few weeks of reruns there....annoying to say the least.

Well, the show returns tonight with it's Valentine's Day episode. You know, the day celebrated in February?

Yes, today is March 5th.

Clearly, Ben Silverman is passing around bongs instead of coherent ideas at the network. Great programming prowess!

The Office at 9, and an all-new 30 Rock at 9:30.

Speaking of, did you catch Tina on Jimmy Fallon? Stellar.

Lock up your little boys, London!

Because Michael Jackson is going to invade this summer! AAAAGGGHHHH!!!!

MJ is getting a huge paycheck of 300 million dollars for 30 shows at London's 02 arena. Say what now? That is ridiculous. In these tough economic times, how can the Pervy One be worth that much?

Can he still sing? Have you seen pics lately? He looks like he can barely stand. And that nose. Oh, that nose.

Hey, with enough spectacle he can probably lip sync and no one would care. Look at little Brit's concert comeback. The girl did not sing live once. ONCE. Not one time in last night's comeback kick-off in New Orleans. But there were dancers! And a three ring circus! Sigh.

That is why I spent money renewing my subscription to U2.com. For a chance to get pre-sale tickets when the boys tour this year, it's worth it. They can sing. LIVE. Yes, what a novel concept.

Save a seat for me, boys.

U2 on Letterman and Little Jimmy grows up

In support of their new cd, No Line On The Horizon, U2 will be on David Letterman this week. Every night this week, in fact. Set those TiVos and DVRs and eat a potato in honor of the Irish.

Will Bono sport some new eyeliner? Will Larry role his eyes? Will Edge wear a new skully? Will Adam be relevant? This is the week for answers!

The cd drops tomorrow and you should all Itune it like it's hot.

In equally exciting news, Mr. James Fallon takes over the Late Show on NBC tonight. With Conan's move to LA to take over The Tonight Show, there was room in the 12:30am slot for a new voice. Look no further than Jimmy. Not Jimmy from Seinfeld, but a good one just the same. I wish Jimmy only the best and look forward to his interviews with Tina Fey (tomorrow) and one half of Bluntski, Ms. Emily Blunt, next week. Good luck, Jimmy!

Speaking of good wishes, I would like to extend a very happy 'Congratulations!' to loyal reader Erin on her engagement. All the best to you! According to Mike Passero, taupe is the new white. Words of wisdom! I am quite certain you will have a stylish, sassy wedding and reception knowing that you have The Hills recapper, and resident Diva, on your side.