Science 101: Skeletons can get pregnant

Huh.

So, Nicole Ritchie is pregnant. People had been speculating for months, and she finally confirmed to Diane Sawyer that she is four months along.

(Yes, I know this is old news, but I've been watching Shark Week on Discovery and it's been very distracting(as well as terrifying and nightmare-inducing)).

Remember when Diane Sawyer had actual cred? Like, people respected her as a journalist and her husband, Mike Nichols, wanted to be seen in public with her? Think waaaaaayyyyy back. Pre-Michael and Lisa Marie. I guess it has been a really long time. Oh, Diane.

Anyway, are Hollywood people afraid of The Pill? Ever heard of condoms? Did you know they released a new version of the Today Sponge? I doubt Nicole would have been able to figure out how to use it, but at least it would have given her something to do other than have sex with nasty-ass Joel Madden. Ew. He's just....a douche with no talent? Yeah, I know. He'll make a great dad, I'm sure. Ain't love grand?

So Nicole has to spend 4 days in prison because California has some whack jobs parading as judges. What is the point? Couldn't he have demanded she sign papers promising that she will eat and gain weight for the baby's sake, instead? Seriously, I don't know how the woman stands up. She's frail! How will she carry a baby and nourish it for the next 4-5 months? It scares me to think about it.....like it scares me to think about people voluntary getting into water inhabited by sharks.

Crack-smokers, all of you!!

Where do cancer sticks double as lollipops?

In Brit's house!

Who's house? Brit's house!

What the hell am I doing? Oh, yeah. So, Life & Style is reporting that Mother of the Year, Britney Spears, asks her sons to find "mommy's lollipops" when she misplaces her smokes. Wonder what special name she has for her coke. "Boys, go find mommy's fairy dust." Yeah, that'll work.

No wonder these poor kids always look so tired.

Of course, it could also be due to their piss poor diet. Brit supposedly fills their bottles with soda and lets them eat Doritos all the time. Mmmm....remember when Cool Ranch Doritos came out? God only knows what pesticides and spices were sprinkled on each chip, but those things were good.

Right. So, the kids. Man, they have it rough. I wonder if they take care of the dog. I bet they do. You know they've learned how to clean mama's puke out of the rug. Oh, the stories they will tell from behind bars someday. They'll be the most popular kids on the block. Thanks, I'll be here all week!

If only they could learn to tie Brit's nasty weaves together and climb out a window. Good luck, boys!

Star Jones admits to gastric bypass surgery. I admit to loving ice cream.

Is anyone surprised by this?

Did she really think anyone bought that Pilates helped her lose all of the weight? Please. I do Pilates once every six months and it hasn't helped me lose a pound. Should I be doing it more often, or quitting my job to launch a full-scale investigation behind the scam that is Pilates? Hmmm......

What is even more hilarious than the Pilates lie is the lie that her husband is straight. Oh, Star! Maybe she goes by the ole' George Costanza mantra that "It isn't a lie if YOU believe it." The repulsion on Big Gay Al's face everytime they are photographed together isn't going to get this little firecracker down!

Deny, deny, deny.

You can read Star's confession in the August issue of Glamour magazine. You know Kathy Griffin will be having a good laugh over it.

Naomi doesn't burden world with strangely-named child

Naomi Watts dropped the massive child she was carrying around for the past year and named him Alexander. Phew! No Apple, Moses, Pilot Inspektor, Brooklyn, Door Stop, Bookcase, Shelf, or Subway Token for she and Liev, thank you.

Honestly, she seemed to be pregnant forever. And that belly was huge. Bigger than mine! I bet it knocked some poor, unsuspecting people out. Short people. Whatever! We count!

The verdict is still out on Liev. I mean, he was great on Broadway in Talk Radio, BUT he dated Neve Campbell when they made Scream. That means he loses points. Julia was the most annoying character on Party of Five. Pre-JLH, of course. She was always whining to her hot boyfriends about how hard her life was. Poor Justin. He deserved better. As did Griffin(who always needed a haircut).

Owen was bad, too, but he was just a kid and he had to be raised by a bunch of self-involved twits, so I really couldn't blame him(except when he went through his I'll-only-eat-white-food-phase). SHUT UP, OWEN! Claudia was whiny, come to think of it. And I didn't always like Kirsten. Charlie was hot, though. Bailey was cute, but always looked so young. Why did I watch this show? Right. Charlie was hot. Love you, Matthew Fox!

Uh....oh, yeah. Congrats to Naomi and Liev!

Maddie won't stand for haters

Maddie is so powerful, she can get people fired from movie sets for talking trash about one of her kids. YIKES!

On the set of Guy's latest project, RocknRolla, Her Madgesty overheard two crew members talking about her brood. One asked the name of her son, to which the other replied "Lucky Bastard." Put away the Haterade, crew member! Not sure if he was talking about Rocco or David, but it would fit either one. What? I love kids.

Needless to say, the dude was fired and order was restored on set.

How dumb can you be? Keep the snark to yourself when on a set with the kid's parents. Wait until you are sitting around drowning your sorrows with a pint and lamenting about how annoying that Lucky Bastard's parents are. I mean, those are the rules of snark and they are unflinchingly rigid.

The real point of this story is that Maddie was on the set of Guy's movie. Uh-oh. Does this mean a "comeback?" Stick to dropping beats with Justin. That is annoying enough.

I love coke and couture!

Of course the coke in your pocket wasn't your coke, Linds! I hold drugs for my friends all the time. Sometimes they are wearing pants without pockets, or dresses without pockets...OR IT'S MY COKE AND I LIKE THE FEEL OF IT IN MY POCKET. IT'S LIKE A SECURITY BLANKET WHEN I AM DONE DRINKING AND NEED SOMETHING UP MY NOSE.

Oh my gravy, as Rachael Ray says. (Does that bug anyone else?)

I liked Lindsay when she was young and innocent and even when she started to slut it up in Mean Girls. I let it slide because she had a few back-to-back hits and people were speculating her breasts were fake and I felt a little sorry for her because fame was coming at her fast. And her parents were complete fools who wanted the fame and money and didn't really care about their daughter, the new Family Cash Cow.

But enough is enough. The girl needs help. And I don't care that she's 21 years old. She's a girl. A girl with addiction problems and no one to help her.

And don't get me started on how she, like Nic Kidman, can't pull off being blonde because they are TOO PALE! What? Yes, that is a part of the problem.

Just like bad weaves and no manners are Brit's problem. I can't wait for OK! Magazine's exclusive look at the meltdown of the woman that thinks gas station bathroom floors are sanitary and beating up a car with an umbrella is no joke. Oh, Brit! Ya little bumpkin!

I don't know which cracks me up more....that she wiped her greasy hands on a couture dress(after eating fried chicken at a photoshoot), or that she used a couture dress to wipe up her dog's poop. Hmmmm......too close to call, I guess! I'm sure the stains of cheetos and red bull weren't far behind.

And now Kevin wants to sue for full custody and I want to sue them both for procreating when they clearly are too stupid to walk and chew gum at the same time. Those poor kids.

I still think if Angie is so into saving the world, she should start with those two kids! C'mon Ang!

Or, Brad and I can just raise them on Lost island. What a storybook ending.

Posh and Becks are finally here.

Did you feel the shift in the Universe? Did you feel tingly for no apparent reason? Sick to your stomach? Angry? Lethargic? Giddy?

Blame it on Vic and David. They are now in the US and controlling your every move. They are just that powerful.

Look, David Beckham is hot. Almost obscenely so. I get the hero worship he experienced in London. He was like royalty.

Then there is Posh. She was seen as the Glamorous Spice Girl that you know secretly despised the other's lack of fashion sense. She scowled and lip synched while secretly cursing Geri's over-the-top outfits and Mel B.'s wild hair. And you know she wanted to smack Emma upside the head on more then one occasion, while clearly hoping Mel C. would do it for her.

Now they have arrived in the US and are going to take over....what, exactly? Soccer will never be as popular here as it is in other countries. I mean, I'd like to count Dave's tattoos as much as the next woman or gay man, but I'm not going to spend money to see him play. I just don't care. Don't those games last forever? I think that would cut into my tv watching.

So, that leaves us with having to watch the paparazzi follow their every move while they shop, hang with Tom and Joey Potter, and prepare for World Domination. Throw in the Spice Girls reunion and you have the Perfect Storm for media saturation. And that will just annoy me and make me hate them and refuse to watch Bend it Like Beckham ever again.

That will show them!

Donna Martin is all grown up and marrying people off

Oh, Tori!

In addition to horrible actress and homewrecker, Tori Spelling can now add "Reverend" to her resume. The new mom was ordained online and married a same-sex couple at her bed and breakfast this past weekend. Congrats to Tony and Dex.

Apparently, one of the grooms performed a song and dance that was "show stopping." Martinis were named after the happy couple's favorite Broadway shows and served to guests at the reception. The gays know how to throw a party.

If I ever get married, I want to have martinis named after all of my fake tv and movie boyfriends. That will show my new husband that although I love him, I love my fake boyfriends even more and am really just settling. And that's what marriage is all about, right?

And, no, I will not have Tori performing the ceremony. I'm holding out for Doherty.

So much to talk about!

It's been forever since I've written, and I know the few people that read this have turned to booze and pills to cope. Put down the martini and lay off the Vicodin, everyone! Or, don't. Whatever.

So much has happened in the past few months. Let's recap:

Paris went to jail. Left jail. Went back to jail. Left jail. Strutted past the paparazzi en route to her idiot mother and went home to chase her dog around the yard. Wow. She is now taking acting and singing lessons. Time to move to Canada!

Amy Winehouse and Lily Allen came to the US and drank themselves silly. Occasionally they promoted their albums. Oh, girls! Put down the cocktails and stop pissing off your fans by cancelling shows at the last minute. And, Lily, you are not fat. People who say that you are have self-esteem issues and like to take it out on other people. That's probably why I'm such a hater! Amy, wash out your beehive and keep yourself out of rehab until after I come to LA in September.

Lindsay went to rehab! Britney went to rehab! I contemplated going because these rehab centers looked like spas and I've never been to a spa!

Brit attacked a car with an umbrella after shaving off her hair. Seemed logical. She now spends her days wearing hideous outfits and bad weaves. And I bet if you asked her how her children are, she wouldn't remember having any. It's all that red bull and cheetos. They screw with your mind! Life is hard, y'all!

Rosie left The View. My mother is still mourning.

Alec Baldwin left a heart-warming message on his daughter's phone. That's what family is all about. He guaranteed that Ireland will either strip or become an addict. Of course, who's to say she can't do both?

In tv news, 24 ended an awful season, Ted and Robin broke up and Lilly and Marshall married on How I Met Your Mother, things happened on Grey's Anatomy(but I was too pissed off to care), Charlie died and Jack and Kate met up after being rescued from the island on Lost(and what was up with the poor lighting and layers of makeup on Evie during that scene? Who did she piss off in the makeup department to look like a clown?). AND, the most important event of the 2006-20007 tv season was that Jim finally asked Pam out on The Office(suck on that, Karen! May you, and your ill-fitting clothes, find happiness on FOX).

Movies? Well, Knocked Up was released and one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. No, seriously. It was really funny. Izzie Stevens didn't annoy me! I was shocked. Seth Rogen was great and Paul Rudd proved, once again, how fantastic he is. Call me, Paul! I mean, uh, good job!

Most recently, I saw License to Wed. Is it the worst film ever made? No. But, it's not great. John Krasinski is the only reason to see it. And now my mother is a fan. The line forms behind me, Mom!

I know I'm leaving things out, but my memory isn't what it used to be. Pass the red bull.

Someone needs a "Who's the Boss" reunion STAT!

Alyssa Milano is doing commercials for VEET hair remover.

Oh my.

Obviously, that Charmed money did not get invested wisely. Maybe Tony Danza can throw her a few bucks. I think he's doing The Producers. And I just saw Judith Light on Law & Order: SVU last week. Where's Mona? Or the kid that came out after the show ended?

I hope I'm not going to have to organize a telethon myself. That is so something Danza should do.

Just Like Hell

The Cure are dead to me.

Robert Smith is going to do a duet with Ashlee Simpson on her upcoming album. I grab the nearest sharp object and jam it into my eye.

This is straight up b.s.

The Cure were a big deal to me when I was in high school. They were moody and strange and completely cool. Robert wore eyeliner and had crazy hair and was more pale then I was.

Now, they suck(yes, I include the entire band in my hatred of Robert's decision). Sorry, guys!

I bet Papa Joe had something to do with this. Can't he leave well enough alone? Gah.

Oh, Alanis

She's gone and covered "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. It's slow and haunting and ridiculous because of those silly lyrics.

Kudos, Alanis. Breaking up with Ryan Reynolds caused you to gain a sense of humor.

The video is very funny. The bangs she's sporting are just as scary as Fergie's.

Ms. Alanis has certainly come a long way since You Can't do That on Television. Although, honestly, she'll never be as big as Robin Sparkles.

Office marathon

I love NBC. For this week.

They are giving the world 5 episodes of The Office this week. Why? Because the show hasn't been new in FOREVER and Kevin Reilly and Greg Daniels are tired of getting my angry letters and emails. Well, excuse me gentlemen!

This show is so great when Karen isn't in it. That is the real lesson of the marathon. Sadly, she is in the last one, but I refuse to watch it. So there.

Just saw the trailer for Evan Almighty. Ummmm......I'm not feeling it. I still love you, Steve!

Gwen, please

What is Gwen Stefani doing on American Idol?????? Girl, don't even.

Gwen has been mentoring the kids this week, and will perform with Akon on tonight's results show. I think it's the results show. Oh, who gives a crap? It's on practically every night of the week. Maybe someone will be voted off, maybe not.

Ryan and Paula will still be there, and that is a real tragedy.

Anyway, Gwen has disappointed me. She's better then this. Or, she's not, and all the hatred I had when she stole Gavin from me was warranted. Feel my rage, Stefani!

It wasn't meant to be

I was in Vegas this past weekend, and so was K-Fed. Huh??? How did we not cross paths? I'm pissed. Actually, I'm more pissed because I missed meeting Shar Jackson. I've got some questions for her....like, "did you know Brandy was a bad driver when you worked on Moesha with her, and WTF did you see in Kevin?"

Katie Couric has nothing on my interview skills. Obviously.

Cam is as nasty as I imagined

I always thought Cameron Diaz looked dirty. Now I have proof that she is. I want a prize. Something chocolate and something redeemable for cash will do. Make that 2 prizes.

Cam was recently quoted as saying that she wears an outfit for four days and then never wears it again. And she means four days in a row. Great googly moogly. Girl is crazy!

Oh, but don't worry. She does say she changes her underwear. How often, no one knows? Left that part out, didn't you Cammie? Yowza. And ew.

I bet she smells like one big cloud of pot and b.o. And yet she still gets guys. Go figure.

A few things

There is a lot going on, so let's get right to it:

Uma Thurman may be remarrying. I want to care, but apparently she and Ethan are on good terms and he will be attending the wedding. So now I'm just bored.

Tori Spelling gave birth to a baby boy: Liam Aaron. Congrats. With the size Tori was, I expected her child to be at least 12 pounds. He wasn't. Oh, and her husband still looks shady. And greasy.

Britney is drinking a lot of soda while in rehab. I think it's funny that this information was leaked. Even more funny? I'm amused by it. At least she seems to be off the Red Bull. That is really what caused her to jump into a few different rehabs. Well, that and the alcohol and drugs.

Angie adopted again! She's the best. The best bitch! She stole my man. In all seriousness, I think it's wonderful that she adopted another child. I just hope Shiloh doesn't get a complex as the "one of these things is not like the others." Brad, take extra care of her.

Finally, March Madness is here! And by that, I mean I'm still going crazy over most of my shows in reruns.

Rachel looking for work at Central Perk

Wednesday is a great time to rhyme.

Oh my gosh! I'm on fire.

Ahem.

So, Jennifer Aniston may be moving to New York city so she can "start over" and "meet men."

Ummmmm......bitch, please. The starting over part I can understand. But, how hard is it for her to meet men? She's attractive(I guess), she's got tons of cash, and....ummmm.....well, she does have nice hair and cash. Oh, and she starred in Leprechaun. Although, honestly, Warwick Davis owned that movie and she had her old nose back then. And wore jean shorts with a leather jacket if I remember correctly, so maybe that's not something to brag about.

Wow. March reruns make me cranky and I'm taking it out on a woman who shares my name. Well, guess what? TOO BAD.

She has the luxury of wanting to move to New York and affording something beautiful and luxurious and ridiculously overpriced. If I wanted to move to New York, I'd end up having to move in with at least 3 other people for a room no bigger then a closet and have the smell of urine greet me in the lobby everyday.(Too overdramatic?)

Good luck, Jen. And don't even think about dating a Yankee.

He goes from bad to worse

Nasty.

Jude Law spent some time with La Lohan at "The Box" in NY recently. I think it's a club. Or bar. Or some place with lazy owners that couldn't be bothered to come up with a real name.

Jude, you are slummin'. What happened to the Jude I knew and loved? The one that would grace a magazine cover and cause me to debate whether I could afford to buy that magazine and do my laundry. And buy a pint of Ben and Jerry's. I want my money back, Jude! Especially for the Vanity Fair and Details, because they are a rip-off!

It was bad enough when you were hanging with Sienna, and screwing your nanny, but THIS? Firecrotch? Really????

Is recently-out-of-rehab the new, trendy way to meet men? I'm still stuck on thinking online dating is wonky. I guess I should start buying crack.

I'll let the braids slide

Because she's Keri Russell, and she's pregnant, and she's Felicty Porter. Hey!

Sadly, she looks to be in better shape then me. And I'm fine with that. Really.

*sobs*

Ben, hold me.