CMA Festival Day 3

And guess what? It's my last recap post, since Day 4 consisted of travel to various states. Sorry, dear readers, you are just going to have to put down the bong and use Google to read about who performed on the final day.

So, Day 3 - Saturday. Feeling better thanks to the power of prayer and white rice. The sun was out and it looked to be a great day to walk around and see all that downtown Nashville had to offer. And guess what? It offered a freebie bag with a nice commemorative program! Thank you, CMA Fest, for rewarding us for our 4-day passes. Would it have killed you to throw in a meet-n-greet with Darius Rucker? No, it would not have. But I digress.

A walk over to the Convention Center for Fan Fest proved that the sun is out and proud (and doesn't care who knows it!). I needed shelter soon or my Nicole Kidmanesque skin was going to burn right off.

Ah. Better. Inside there was air conditioning and food. I made it bland with a banana and found a place to park it. While waiting for my Aunt, The Diva, and Erin, I heard music coming from the floor below. Something was happening and my Spidey Senses were tingling (not to be confused with Speidi Senses, which would be an oxymoron). Down the escalator I went and found that The Divas of Daytime had made it all the way from Pine Valley (All My Children) and Llanview (One Life to Live). For real. Kassie DePaiva, Bobbie Eakes, and Kathy Brier were singing to a packed room of fans. My camera was acting all Lo Bosworth and not cooperating. Or maybe the lighting in the room SUCKED IT and my pics didn't come out too well. No worries, though. My stomach was cooperating and all was right with the world. On to the booths of Fan Fest!

There were a lot of fans wandering around. Some were in line for pics and autographs of people I didn't know. Oh, look: Dolly's booth, complete with cutout. Her waist is really tiny. I have no idea how she stands upright.

After a few minutes of wandering around, who do we see but The Divas of Daytime. They work quick! No rest for the weary. A performance and then on to a booth. I took a few pics and could see they were very sweet with the fans. They know better than anyone the power of a strong fanbase. Daytime audiences are a loyal bunch and can really keep you steadily employed for years. Decades, even. I know Kassie has been with One Life to Live for a very long time. Nice work if you can get it, I'm sure.

Next stop was The Wildhorse Saloon. An annoying sound check was taking place as we found seats. Oy. Work those kinks out early. *Smack* The band finally got it together and played a few songs before taking it elsewhere. Someone jumped on the loudspeaker and announced that dance lessons would start soon. Erin was thrilled, as she was ready to strut her stuff and show Nashville what's what.

Now, here is where Nashville and the Northeast differ. In Nashville, "soon" can mean up to hours later. In the Northeast, "soon" can AND DOES mean "within thirty minutes, TOPS, or I will key your car, pull your weave, and shove my Louboutin up your ass." But, we were in Nashville, and the dance lessons started roughly 90 minutes after the first announcement. (Oh, before then, Erin made her way down to the dance floor and learned a new dance from one of the staffers at the saloon. It was just the two of them treating the patrons to a sassy dance that featured stomping, turns, and knee lifts. Do I see a new workout video in the making?).

Let's call the dance instructor "Sparkles" because her cowboy boots did just that. After teaching Erin a dance, it was time for Sparkles to bring in the rest of the crowd. Erin was joined by my Aunt while The Diva and I watched from above. Kudos to all that got out there and took a turn on the floor. With the exception of the dude wearing flip flops, everyone tried their best to look like a human being with rhythm and common sense (DUDE, seriously, having a few beers in your system is no excuse to hold one of your flops in your hand while trying to dance. And STOP with the flip flops. Men should not expose their feet in public. EVER. Not even if you are at the beach. Wear water shoes. No one wants to see what lurks underneath your socks).

You can look for my thesis, "Keep Them Covered: the psychological ramifications of exposed male feet to the public" this Fall in Barnes & Noble stores worldwide and at Amazon.com.

After a rousing time at The Wildhorse, it was time to move on. Erin went to visit a friend and my Aunt, The Diva, and I went looking for food. We found a Panera and OMG....I could go for a toasted bagel right now. That was good! Love Panera.

Oh, how's this for wacky? On the way back to the car, we saw a line outside the Convention Center. Wanting to know what the deal was, my Aunt enquired and we found out that people were waiting in line for Taylor Swift. Not for concert tickets, but for the opportunity to meet her at her booth at Fan Fest. Tomorrow. Like, not Saturday, but Sunday. Seriously. People were sleeping outside over night (EWWWW, where's the bathroom???) in order to get wristbands (I think) at 8:30 Sunday morning that allowed them to be in line to meet Taylor. That is some dedication. I don't think I would even do that for U2. Well....hmmmm....no, I can't see myself sleeping outside. I don't like camping, and at least then you have a tent. This is a line that formed on concrete and didn't get more comfortable as the night wore on. Plus, you'd have to deal with other people and their conversations and sleeping habits and ugh. Stop. No way. Did I mention that it was a little after 7pm when we walked by this line? Craziness.

From there it was a hop, skip, and a car ride away to the field for the concert. And just who did we see? Well, check out this lineup: Josh Turner, Jamey Johnson, Jason Michael Carroll, Lee Ann Womack aka Stephanie Pratt (HA!), Wynonna Judd, Naomi Judd (Wynonna performed solo and was then joined by Naomi), Trace Adkins, and Martina McBride.

A few observations: Wynonna looks tranny. I'M SORRY! She needs to tone down the makeup. Her features are too severe. Oh, Wynnie. Less is more. Really.

Trace Adkins could easily become the next WWE champion. Good gracious, dude is scary. He could play the long lost cousin of The Undertaker and Kane. What? I know these things.

Martina McBride is a slight little thing with a huge voice. She was the perfect person to end the evening.

And with that, Day 3 came to a close. Complete with fireworks!

As I said earlier, Sunday was the last day of the Festival and it was travel day for myself, The Diva, and Erin. Little did I know that my plane ride would allow me two more star sightings. Well, it did! Jimmy Fallon and Kassie DePaiva were in First Class (ELITISTS!) on my flight home. Jimmy performed at Bonnaroo aka Stoner Fest and looked adorable in his polo and khakis. Love ya, James!

My sincere thanks to my Aunt, her dog, Ginger, The Diva, Erin, Pepto, rice, the nice people of Nashville, Darius Rucker, and all that participated in the Festival. Kudos to all. Lemon, out!

CMA Music Festival - Day 2

Before I get to my recap of Day 2, let me address something I forgot to touch on yesterday. I'm sure by now you have all heard about Speidi vs. Al Roker. I guess the gruesome twosome is on a publicity tour after the debacle of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! UGH. Stop. These two make me want to reach for the Pepto and take lessons at a shooting range (for BB guns, of course, Officer!).

The bottom line is this: don't mess with Al Roker aka Al Nino. The man endured Bryant Gumbel. He isn't afraid of two people with a combined IQ of 5 that wouldn't know integrity if it stumbled up to them during a staged photo op on Robertson Blvd. and bit them on the legs. Team Roker 4 Eva!

Moving on.....

So, Day 2 of the CMA Music Festival was Friday. How can I put this gently without offending the two of you who might be reading this? Umm....oh, wait. If it's the two I'm thinking of, you were there and know what happened. Well, let me recap anyway for those of you that might stumble onto this blog after an all-night bender: my stomach ailment decided to put down roots and fester. Isn't 'fester' a disgusting word? Well, it works in this situation.

That meant I was homebound at my Aunt's and got to catch up on my soaps. Did you know that so and so lied about the father of her baby? She did. Whore! And the guy that thought he was the father was pissed, but only after his mother accused him of being an idiot for trusting that slut. Oh, mothers. They really know how to bring out the best in us. And that other guy, who has been on the show forever, was doing something evil. Or something. I don't know. It was Friday, after all, and bad things usually happen or are set up to happen on Monday. My head was spinning! Darius, catch me. I'm feeling weak.

While I was drinking Sprite, hallucinating, and hoping that my cat was being well taken care of back in Stamford, my Aunt, The Diva, and Erin hit up Fan Fest. That's where they set up booths for different artists and you can have your picture taken with them and get an autograph. Don't crowd Chuck Wicks, ladies (or gays), because Julianne will take off her heel and gouge your eyes out with it! Little does she know that some of us are still trying to recover from the long-sleeved black lace (yes, I said LACE) shirt that poor Chuck had to wear during one of their routines on Dancing with the Stars this past season. I need to talk to the wardrobe department STAT. Stop taking Louie Van Amstel's suggestions!

There was also a stop at the Wildhorse Saloon. This place is fun (as I would find out on Saturday). Three levels encase a stage and dance floor. You can hear bands play as well as get dance lessons from some of the staff. Yee-haw!

Later on, it was time for the show. My Aunt and I stayed home this night, but The Diva and Erin were treated to Little Big Town, Rodney Atkins, Lady Antebellum, Jake Owen, The Zac Brown Band, Jason Aldean, and Kid Rock (well, actually, they missed his set which neither seemed to mind because he's Kid Rock and just...NO). The absence of rain meant that the concert went off without a hitch and a good time was had by all.

Tomorrow: Sipping ginger ale and spotting a tranny on stage

So behind

I was away for a few days and am behind in my blogging. My apologies to all of you (huh?) that have been curled into a ball crying your eyes out.

Get up, get a tissue, wipe your eyes, and breathe deep.

It will be okay.

Linds is still too thin, Suri still isn't wearing shoes, Brit is still keeping it together, and John Krasinski still won't return my calls that I make on my pretend phone.

Was in Nashville for the CMA Festival with my Aunt Lori, The Diva, and loyal reader and Penn State graduate, Erin. We had a blast and would like to thank all those in TN for their hospitality and courteous nature. I would also like to thank God and the power of Pepto for getting me through a stomach virus at a most inconvenient time.

Did someone say tornado warning? No? Well, you should. Because we had one. First night of the Festival was delayed for 3 hours due to severe storms. It was quite a sight. Are you there, God? It's me, a Darius Rucker fan. Please don't let me die without seeing him perform some of his solo material.

Thankfully, Erin's flight delay actually worked out okay, as she only missed Brooks & Dunn and two songs by Reba. Did I mention that B&D performed for 45 minutes? Ummm....I know it wasn't just my upset stomach wishing that would end.

After fearing for our lives within the glass-enclosed Club Level, the rain finally came to an end and the concert resumed....at 12:30 Friday morning! Say what, now? It's true. The concert actually resumed. We were all stunned. The question then became, who remained to perform? Was this Julianne Hough's time to shine as she starts her music career? Or was some crew member going to emerge from the shadows and perform his version of "Ring of Fire" because all of the professional acts ran for the hills?

Luckily, Joe the Roadie was not on the schedule for the early morning concert. (Sorry, Joe. Your time will come soon!). The doofy MC announced that it was "Capitol Records recording artist, Darius Rucker!!!!" Yee-Haw and all that, bitches! Darius not only flashed his pearly whites, but he also kicked our collective asses with 4 songs and a two-step to boot! Hootie is here and you all better bow down. Wipe the rain from your face and try to keep up with his fancy footwork. His foray into the crowd during his last song (which The Diva told me was "Family Tradition" by Hank Williams, Jr.) was the capper to his lively performance. It was just what we needed after fearing that we were going to be swept up by a tornado and thrown into a tree in Oz. Thank you, Darius!

Dierks Bentley and Brad Paisley rounded out the early morning show, which ended at 2:00am. All three men were energetic and appreciative of the crowd that stayed through the rain. As someone who isn't too familiar with country music, I was impressed and thought it was a great start to the 4-day Festival.

Tomorrow: Pass the Pepto and bring on Night 2.

Poison at the Tony's

This isn't the title of a new murder mystery, but rather a fact about last night's award show.

Seriously. The group Poison. At The Tony's.

Lead by nasty ass mimbo, Bret Michaels, the group performed (well, Bret lip synched) "Nothing But a Good Time" from the 80's homage musical, Rock of Ages.

I hope the front row was up-to-date on their shots. Who knows what you can catch from just being near Bret?

Well, as the song ended, the group was to exit stage right. According to a producer, Bret "missed his mark," and was hit by some scenery for the next performance. Whoops! But, like any good old dude that was in a popular band years ago, Bret wasn't going to let a little scenery to the face get in the way of free booze. The horse-haired playa made his way to the after parties, so he must be okay. Or just hammered enough that he won't feel any pain until Thursday.

NPH as host was divine.

Dawson, Joey, Pacey, and Jen were bitches

Sounds like a stern talking to from Gran wouldn't have helped these troubled youths.

Last night in LA LA Land, Tom Kapinos, creator of Californication, talked about his days as show runner on Dawson's Creek. He did not mince words when asked why his experience was "miserable."

Are you ready? Grab a snack. Get comfy. I'll wait.

"It was the four monstrous actors at the core of it."

MMMMM HMMMM.

Dude called out James, Katie, Josh, and Michelle for being stank on set. Tommy boy went on to say "They were young, and they got very famous, and they made life miserable for any writer or producer on the show."

The Beek I can see. He seems the type to count words in the script to make sure he had the most. Katie could maybe be a 'mean girl' that wanted all of the attention. Josh was probably the 'class clown' on set, and that would grate on my last nerve. Michelle always seemed like the one who wanted out first. She was probably already dreaming of living in Brooklyn and making indies and spending a lot of time in her trailer making voodoo dolls of other cast members.

On the flip side, of course, this dude got stuck with the college years of the show. Those were bad. I mean, they were no Felicity, and that is the standard by which all college years should be judged by.

Amazing, right?

Stop it, tabloids

Jon and Kate covers are killing me.

Ugh. I feel sick.

The recap you've all been waiting for

Even though it's a day late. The Diva apparently does not believe in deadlines.

*smack*

If, like me, you took a look at this mess of a finale, you are still recovering and reading encyclopedias in an attempt to grow back some brain cells.

So long, Lauren! Tonight is the night we say goodbye to Lauren, hello (again) to Kristin, and WTF to the official union of Speidi. Can you even handle it all?

Forget about Lauren's next steps, Lo. What are you gonna do with yourself now that your bestie is saying adios to this cash cow?

Do not subject swans to this wedding. Let them roam free.

Did crackhead Stephanie really expect to be Heidi's maid of honor (MOH in wedding jive)?

Who are these background no-names at Heidi's bridal shower? They reek of paid extras.

While out to dinner with Brody, Lauren didn't understand what anyone with two brothers already knows: boys never outgrow the pure comedy that anything fart related delivers.

I couldn't tell if Spencer and Brody were going to tearfully embrace or erupt into a fist fight during their meet and greet. Weird vibes all around those two.

Stephanie gives one toast and all of a sudden she thinks she's a philosopher or something.

Heidi's family is totally losing their collective mind on the eve of this wedding. Dys-functional.

Spencer's groomsmen (friends or paid extras again...you decide) have real jobs? Shocking.

Maybe Lauren will decide to break into acting next. She knows that she is gonna fold and go to the wedding but she does a good job of making us believe otherwise.

Brent Bolthouse, it's been way too long since we've seen you in a stupid looking hat.

Stacie the Bartender has certainly gotten more miles than I thought she would. Showing up to the wedding is crazy bold. But mostly just crazy.

I see Kristin didn't think a bra should be a part of her wedding ensemble. Besides that, doesn't she look a little bit like she has "crazy eyes" now? I'm calling an overall downgrade from her Laguna days.

Why in the non-MTV produced world would Justin Bobby get an invite to the wedding? He's not friends with the bride or groom and he has an inappropriate wedding fashion sense.

Does Lauren have Secret Service to go along with her chauffeured car? I guess she just wanted to go out in style.

For the love of Shiloh

Watching The Hills fakery.

The Diva has her hands full with this recap.

And WHAT THE HELL is up with Megan Fox's hair? Slicked back with gel is not a good look for this tranny.

Candy Spelling is not a Donna Martin fan

And can you blame her? I mean, she and Andrea were the most annoying characters on 90210. Remember that mermaid costume she wore to a Halloween party one year? She couldn't walk around in it, so she basically just stayed in a corner acting the fool for most of the party? Ugh. Why do I remember this crap.

Oh, wait. Candy is not a Tori Spelling fan.

In a recent radio interview with 94.7 WMAS in Springfield, MA, Candy said that the estrangement between Aaron and Tori is what lead to Aaron's death.

Zing!

Candy believes that Tori ditched the entire family (Aaron, Candy, and brother, Randy) when she realized her father could no longer do anything for her due to his illness.

Yikes!

What a mess. And I know from family messes. This one has a lot of bitterness. I mean, you can practically taste it. And it makes you feel sick. Almost as sick as seeing pics of Tori because she has gotten so thin. She's twiggy with fake boobs and it's upsetting because you know she is worried that her gross husband will leave her for someone else...just like he left his first wife for Tori.

Hollywood is full of idiots. Candy and Tori are two of them.

Nicole Kidman does herself a favor

She went back to being a redhead.

So much better. Her coloring screams for a dark hair color. Finally, she listened.

Did you see the movie Dead Calm? Do yourself a favor. Great thriller. Nicole was stunning. See? I actually said something nice about her. She and Sam Neill played a couple trying to forget a horrible accident by taking some time on their boat. They encounter a completely creepy and hot Billy Zane. Before he went all chauvinistic a-hole in Titanic, Billy Zane was hot. And crazy.

Anyway, Nicole was a redhead and the lighting on the film was really great and she looked fresh and vibrant. And the movie poster is freaky as hell and you should really check it out.

I think being nice warrants a cupcake. Mmmmm....

Giving Goonies a bad name

Ugh.

Seriously.

Josh Brolin is an ass.

Used to love him. I mean, he was in The Goonies. Please. You loved it.

In Touch Weekly is reporting that Josh is openly cheating with some local skank in New Orleans while filming his new movie.

Uh....hmmmmm.

Josh is married to Diane Lane. Diane Lane, people. She was in Streets of Fire. And The Outsiders. And a gazillion movies with Richard Gere. She is gorgeous, talented, and too good for Josh's punk ass.

Yes, I said punk ass.

Remember the domestic violence charges against Josh? Uh-huh. That was his downfall. This is just the icing on a moldy cake.

Run, Diane. You don't need this.

The Hills

After watching the nightmare that was the extended season premiere of Jon and Kate Plus 8, I (foolishly) decided to switch to the last 10 minutes of The Hills. Good gracious. The Diva makes sense of what we all witnessed below.

Another Monday night means another dose of Hills madness...

Isn't it every girl's dream to have a person you're no longer friends with as you exchange your vows? Heidi, I'm over getting Lauren to show up at your wedding and you should be too.

I can't dislike Spencer for a City Slickers reference. I can dislike him for those stupid sunglasses, though.

At least Heidi has enough sense to go to a respectable wedding dress designer. I'm not thrilled with her particular purchase, but we don't really have the same fashion tastes, now do we?

I'm feeling premature awkwardness for the Stephanie-Kelly Cutrone face-off that is going to ensue at this party. One half of the equation is clueless, and the other is just heinous. Recipe for disaster.

Did I just completely miss the great "friendship" that blossomed between Audrina and Brody over the past few years? Get over it Audrina. You were barely good acquaintances.

Paging Kelly Cutrone: you are now paying Lauren to have a gabfest with Heidi in your office. Get her!

Which Hills producer is responsible for penning that little speech for Spencer? It wasn't exactly Shakespeare, but it was about 100 times more intelligent than anything that's come out of his mouth before.

Next week's finale looks full of tears and shocked facial expressions, with a dash of matrimonial craziness thrown in for extra viewing pleasure. Extra double bonus: Kristin's return. Oh, the anticipation.

Round II for Robin and Sean is over

Dysfunction, anyone? Sean and Robin Wright Penn are the new poster children (after my parents).

Sean Penn filed legal separation papers last month, but yesterday he withdrew the petition. Oy. This makes the 2nd time in about 18 months that each has filed papers and then had them withdrawn.

Sean's rep for sleazing it up on the ladies is quite well-known. And can I just say, "HUH?" With a side of "HIM? REALLY?!?!?" Robin deserves better. Anyone and everyone deserves better. However, he must have talked his way back into her good graces and now they are reconciling.

Robin, just say no!

In other news, this weekend is the unofficial start to Summer. Not my favorite season (being a pasty thing), but I do love my baseball. And, thanks to good luck that looks suspiciously like a syringe, my Yanks are on a 9-game winning streak. Tomorrow I will see my first game at the new stadium and I'm hoping it all goes well. My sanity is on the line, as my father will be joining me. Watch out, Stadium Security! Brawling could ensue.

Is it the way she parted her hair?

I've been looking at photos of the Brange at the Cannes Film Festival, and something is off. Ange looks different to me.

Has her forehead always been that big? Maybe I just never noticed.

She's still too thin, but at least she wore some color. No black. She left that to Brad and his tux.

Angie accompanied Brad to the premiere of Inglourious Basterds. Not getting the best reviews, but it's a Tarantino film and Brad generally does good box office.

Meanwhile, somewhere in NY, Jennifer Aniston sighs.

Now I gotta cut loose

Ugh. Another remake.

The brain trust in Hollywood has decided that 80s cheese flick, Footloose, needs an update.

You remember Footloose, right?

OH MY GOSH, it is so bad it's good. Like, you cringe when seeing it on cable, but you can't take your eyes off it. The dialogue? Weak. The cast? A mix of goofy and earnest. The dancing? Ridiculous. But the soundtrack? I bought the soundtrack after seeing this movie. Because it worked. It made the movie. It kept you from thinking too hard about how thin Lori Singer was or how much actual dancing Kevin Bacon did himself. It also kept you in your seat and not running like you were on fire to find the theater manager, demanding your money back, because you just witnessed a TRACTOR RACE and OMG, what? Really? But you sat there and watched and it didn't cause you to turn to therapy because Bonnie Tyler's "Holding Out For a Hero" was perfect in that moment.

And you know you tapped your feet to "Let's Hear It For the Boy," so don't even try to say you didn't. No one will believe you.

Now they want to try to catch lightening in a bottle again with a remake starring Chace Crawford from Gossip Girl. XOXO, y'all! Perennial Flat Ironed Hair King Zac Efron actually dropped out of the film because he didn't want to be known as the dude that sings and dances his way through movies. Uh huh.

Chace Crawford is not better, or even equal to, Kevin Bacon. Efron wouldn't have cut it, either. Kevin Bacon, as Ren, will always win out.

Better get started on that soundtrack.

The Hills

In between baking brownies (not THOSE kind...or are they?) and interviewing, our Philly Diva found time to do her most important job: make sense of the senselessness of The Hills. Thank you, Diva!

Only a few more episodes before Lauren is outta here and Kristin moves into the Hills. I'll save the Lauren vs. Kristin debate for another time, though. On with the show.

"You never met a dad like my dad." Ha, how many times have those words come out of my mouth?

Love the guy nonchalantly walking around dressed as a horse. That's always a necessity in a music video after all.

Wait, so that guy in the band is supposed to be cute? About that...

Now that we've met Heidi's dad, it just continues to boggles the mind how this bleach blond Barbie came from this down home family.

Stephanie's having a rough go of it. First she gets shot down by the guy who has a girlfriend but won't actually say the word girlfriend because he wants to pretend he doesn't have a girlfriend when he's on the road, then she gets fired by Lauren. I have to give it to Lauren though. That was a pretty mild firing and she was as nice as she could be about it.

Being stuck on a ferris wheel with Spencer would make me squirm too Heidi.

Everyone knows a huge rock on your bony finger erases all of the crap someone's done to you in the past. Ugh. These two are just too dumb to get married to one another!

The Hills

Someone needs to look at a calendar.

I will cut the Diva a little slack because she had to deal with our parents for two days in a row. The torture!

I'm a day late with the recap...whoops!

Lo, why mess up the natural order of things by getting a job? Weren't you perfecting the art of doing nothing but looking pretty and laying out by the pool?

Hilarious is the only word to describe Stephanie and Lauren's work/boy conversation. Adding to the hilarity: Lauren's knit hat (I hate this look) and Steph's ultra-spacey attitude.

Was that a skirt or a dress or a long shirt Stephanie was rocking at work? Whatever it was, I'm saying it's work inappropriate.

I'm always surprised when Audrina is given responsibility at work and she actually delivers. I always expect her to drop the ball.

Is Davis Factor going to be the new Brent Bolthouse?

Awkward, idiotic, pointless. This is what comes to mind as I watch Heidi confront this bartender. Again. Will this ever come to an end? Also, what do these people at the bar think of this face-off? They can't enjoy their cocktails in this kind of hostile atmosphere.

Calling the LAPD: possible domestic disturbance brewing on the sidewalk between Audrina and JB. If they pulled up and saw JB in his cut-off pants, would they take him in for a crime against fashion?

Steph should take off that headband before it squeezes the five remaining braincells out of her head.

Hold on I'm gonna stop blogging now because I have to go check out Spencer's Twitter page to see what he's up to. Ew.

If I were Lauren, I would've fired Stephanie as soon as I sat my skinny jeans back down at my desk. Put the girl out of her misery already.

Oprah never fails to anger

Me, that is.

The Queen of Daytime is also the Queen of Being Out of Touch with the Rest of the World.

You know, those of us that don't have millions and a Gayle.

Opes gave the commencement address at Duke University this past weekend and told the crowd of grads that it's great to have a private jet. For reals.

"Anyone that tells you that having your own private jet isn't great is lying to you."

What a down-to-earth woman. She really knows how to keep grounded and sympathize that not everyone in the world has it as easy as she does.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Oprah sucks.

Do you think Gayle has to clean the jet on weekends? Safe bet.

Dina Lohan gives us peace of mind

Just got back from the Cafe Disco and I'm exhausted. So much dancing! And didn't Jim look cute? Back off, Pam!

Okay. So, anyway....Dina Lohan recently explained to reporter David Caplan that Ali Lohan is being home-schooled. Just like big sister Lindsay was at her age. Great!

We can all breathe a sigh of relief.

Although....with Ali living with Linds in LA, and Dina in Long Island, who is home-schooling Ali? Is she taking 'Coke Snorting 101' with Linds? Extra credit if you can find her a dealer around the corner!

I caught the last hour of Mean Girls last weekend on tv. Oh, Linds. She looked healthy and could act. Like, really act. She was funny, she was determined, she was....an actor. Not some strung-out mess that throws eggs at the paparazzi.

Seriously.

Look it up online. The girl is whacked.

And Ali looks like she's at least twice her age.

What the hell is up with the Lohan's? Sad all the way around.

On a brighter note, I'd like to warn all of my Philly readers that if you hear loud voices this weekend, it's my father and sister having a conversation. "Inside voices" mean nothing.

Jack Bauer loves the headbutt

Kiefer Sutherland, AKA bad ass Jack Bauer to us 24 fans, did not care for Proenza Schouler co-founder Jack McCollough's treatment of Brooke Shields, and headbutt the dude on Monday night.

Huh? With a what now?

Let's backtrack.

The Met Costume Institute Gala was held Monday night. There was an afterparty. Kiefer and Brooke were chatting. Reports claim that Jack (a friend of Brooke's) came over and interrupted their conversation by 'jostling' her. Is that slang for 'pinched her ass?'

Apparently, Kiefer demanded an apology from Jack, but Jack was all, "Uh, dude. You're drunk and disorderly and I want to talk to Brooke about her days on Suddenly Susan, so beat it. Oh, and also, this season of 24 started off strong but has become a suckfest of boring, so there!"

Kiefer took that as 'Go Time!' and gave the guy a headbutt and put him into a wrestling move of some type. Was it a Swanton Bomb? Because those are cool.

Brooke's publicist was having none of it either. The official word was that Jack did nothing wrong and that "it's not clear what caused Kiefer to do what he did."

Sigh. Poor Kiefer.

I'm thinking it was clear and that another Jack was involved. The Mr. Daniels variety.

Police were supposed to be interviewing Kiefer and Brooke today.

Time for Chloe to come up with an escape route, Jack.

The Hills

The Diva is back, this time coming to us from her new digs in Philly. Can't you just smell the cheesesteaks and hear the Fresh Prince theme song?

Some technical difficulties got in the way of me seeing the first 3 minutes of tonight's episode. I'm sure I missed truly riveting television, so someone will have to fill me in.

Heidi's weave needs some help. It looks like Barbie's hair after a 3 year old runs rampant with a toy brush.

"There's always gonna be another Stacy." Stunningly wise words from the bartender who just won't let her time in the Hills limelight fade.

Are Jayde and Audrina gonna have a fake boob-off? Because I think that's the only fair way to settle this ongoing drama over Brody.

I didn't know someone could chug Jager straight from the bottle like that and still be living. Jayde is insane.

A couple sessions with Speidi is probably driving this doctor to drink.

There goes Jayde with the Jager again. I always expected Playmates to be classier than that.

Audrina is certainly making a fashion statement with that hat. What the statement is, I'm not sure.

Okay, so I am a little light on the recapping tonight. Please don't fire me from Celebrity Skewer like Stephanie is gonna get fired from People's Revolution next week.
I make no promises!

Round Two

Sean and Robin Wright-Penn are separating. Again.

Over a year ago they did the same thing, only to reconcile a short while later.

Will this one stick? Maybe. The rumors of Sean's infidelities still swirl like a sandstorm, and I still get uncomfortable thinking of how he brushed her off to receive his Oscar this year. It was so cringe-worthy. There she was with tears in her eyes, clearly thrilled for him, and he was like, "Mickey Rourke is my brother!" Ugh. Really, Sean?

Let's be honest, now. Robin deserves better.

On a happier note, Resident Diva and The Hills Recapper, Jessica, is on her way to her new home in Philly today. Best of luck to her on a new chapter in her life.

Philly, you will never be the same. Trust me.

I'll skip my birthday this year

Why?

Because two events are happening this year that are making a mockery of my birthday. And my birthday has no way of defending itself. Aaaahhhh! The horror.

First up, Justin Timbergag is hosting SNL. Ugh. Double Ugh if Jessica Biel shows up with her manly shoulders.

And, secondly, I just found out today that Jessica Simpson will be entertaining marine life by performing at SeaWorld San Diego that night.

My birthday deserves better.

Oh, good grief

Matty Broderick and SJP are having twins via surrogate. Is that why he always looks so grumpy lately?

US Weekly is reporting that Linds is losing weight via Adderall. Yum. Oh, Linds. Will anyone in her family help her????

On a purely shallow note, Ryan Gosling was spotted having dinner with Michelle Williams in NY last night. Guh. He looked great. Wonder if he worries about running into Rachel and Josh? Hmmm....

The Hills

The Unemployed Diva took time out of her busy schedule to recap more hijinx and tediousness from the gang. Thanks, Diva!.

I'm sure everyone is as sick of hearing about and seeing footage from the Speidi wedding as I am. But we'll have to wait to watch the final edited version of the nuptials from hell until this season's finale airs. We just have a regular episode to watch tonight.

So it seems Paris released Doug from her bony little fingers long enough to join the boys in Hawaii. That was nice of her.

Are oddly placed tattoos a prerequisite for going on this trip? I think so.

How often does Speidi hit up Barnes & Noble? Their attempts to seem smart are pathetic.

The way the lighting at the restaurant accents Spencer's face fuzz is really hideous.

I see Spencer dipped into his stash of AC Slater tank tops for his boxing session with Colby. Go Bayside!

Okay, so I find Colby and his gf both generally pleasant. And they annoy Spencer so that gives them bonus points.

Audrina looks a hot mess at dinner. Her hair is all over the place and her eyes are especially squinty. If Brody wants to deal with that, best of luck.

Maybe I just don't care enough about the Brody/Audrina storyline because it seemed pretty drama-free to me.

Final note: how does Lauren keep her boyfriend (that guy from My Boys) away from the cameras? Are they even still dating? It's really too difficult to keep track.

I haven't seen pics of them in forever, so I'm not sure. Also, couldn't he do better?

16+ hours I'm not getting back

Let's take a break from celebrity news for a moment and allow me to lament the current state of the Yankees:

Threat Level Midnight

(Like the screenplay Michael Scott wrote, minus Agent Michael Scarn and his love interest, Catherine Zeta-Jones).

If you are a Yankee fan, you know that the past three days were like being strapped to a chair and being forced to watch Season 3 of The Office with Karen fans.

B-R-U-T-A-L

If you are not a Yankee fan, SHUT IT. And go about your business.

Sigh.

In other news, LC made it to Speidi's wedding this past weekend. Fulfilling a contractual obligation? Check!

Quick hits

*smack*

Hugh Jackman had his hand and footprint ceremony in front of Grauman's yesterday.

*pow*

Linds was spotted out shopping and looking extremely thin. Again. If only this girl had parents that cared about her.

*kabam*

Chelsea Handler called out Paris Hilton for being stupid. Reason #1839 to love Chelsea.

The Hills are alive

Sadly.

Another week of scripted drama. The Diva breaks it down for us with sass:

It's still raining here in Baltimore (AKA Hills recap central) and now I'm hearing thunder. Hopefully my cable lasts through tonight's entire episode.

Lauren is rocking the plaid twice in the first few minutes. Is this a throwback to Ben on the old Celebrity Skewer favorite, Felicity?

Spencer is joking about being Heidi's stalker. But we all know he is too familiar with that alley outside Bolthouse and it isn't a joke at all.

I can appreciate anyone who chooses laying on the beach over surfing. Who needs physical activity when you can be lazy?

How does Brody have time to swing a girlfriend in between all of his Bromancing?

Ridiculously skinny chicks love pickles. I learned this undeniable truth in college. (Ew, pickles. I hate them. But I'm also not ridiculously skinny.)

Does someone named Sleazy T really want to be this involved in Audrina and Justin Bobby's relationship?

It's crazy how daft people make easy jobs seem so difficult. Stephanie you have to check in pieces of clothing, not perform brain surgery.

We apparently only get one minute of Lo tonight, which just isn't enough.

By the time next week's episode rolls around, I will officially be a fulltime Hills recapper since my real job will be no more. Too bad recapping doesn't come with a salary, huh?

Ed. Note: if someone wants to be a full-time recapper, they better cease with mentioning Lauren and Ben from Felicitiy in the same sentence. In some countries, that is punishable by death.

Combined, they probably weigh about 125

Two of the thinnest women on planet earth are pregnant. Start eating, ladies!

Grey's Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo and Project Runway host Heidi Klum will be popping out children later this year. This will be the first for Ellen and the fourth for Heidi.

It will be interesting to see how they shoot around Ellen on Grey's next season. I imagine she'll be sitting or doing a lot of surgeries. Hopefully the baby will have Patrick Dempsey's hair. Wait. What?

Heidi will have another gorgeous child that will look like her and Seal and make all the other kids in the world look fugly by comparison.

I'm sure both women will bounce back to their pre-pregnancy weight in no time. More food for me!

What should we make of this?

Armageddon?

Marc Anthony and Leo DiCaprio hung out together last night. Ummmm....huh? I can only imagine that J.Lo's ears were burning.

Also, Ryan Seacrest is dating a new beard....a cocktail waitress from LA. Uh-huh.

Crazy times.

The Office celebrates 100 episodes

Already? Time flies, doesn't it?

The Office will mark it's 100th episode with this season's finale. Let's hope there isn't a breakup like there was in the Gilmore Girls 100th ep. Oh, Amy Sherman-Palladino....so coy, so clever. So ridiculous.

The Dunder Mifflin crew celebrated with a giant cake that Rainn Wilson stuck his hand in. EWWWWW. Never mess with cake. It should be one of the basic food groups. Bad move, Dwight.

Anyone else feel the show has been a little off this season? I don't have many eps saved on TiVo and that hasn't happened since Season 3. Not really feeling this 'split offices' storyline and Idris Elba must be in it for the paycheck, because Charles is a dud and adding nothing to the show. Thank goodness he'll always have The Wire on his reel, because he has that new movie coming out with Sasha Fierce and Ali Larter called Obsessed that looks like a bad, bad, B-A-D Fatal Attraction knock-off. Ugh.

And what is with a 30-minute season finale? I call bs, NBC.

More Hills madness

The only thing worse than a Yankee loss is Speidi screen time. Here to make sense of it all is our resident Diva:

I haven't yet recovered from the ridiculousness of last week's season premiere, and already it's time for a new Hills ep. The sleaziness of Spencer doesn't wear off that quickly, sadly.

How random is it that Heidi would even mention her high school ex to Stephanie when the entire time she was back home she seemed as if she couldn't care less that she ran into him? What a bleached blonde trouble maker.

Did you see Lauren's claws come when Stephanie brings up joining Lauren at work? Because I did.

I've probably said this a million times, but Speidi, I'm so over you!

Kelly Cutrone strikes again. Stephanie was shaking in her stilettos.

Oh no, I didn't want to see Spencer's doofus friend Charlie ever again. I was hoping he had a one episode stint and that was it.

Note to Ms. Bartender and her equally queer friends: you have to find a cooler go-to song than "Pour Some Sugar On Me." You're not 18 years old and pledging a sorority.

You don't want a piece of S.Pratt. She'll revert to her druggie days and go crazy on you in no time.

I give Heidi credit for looking Spencer in the eye when he has that furry distraction all over his face. Grun-gy. Also I give her credit for teetering on those heels of hers. That's a broken ankle just waiting to happen.

Looks like Audrina gets some face time next week. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. But I'll be here to recap regardless.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Gag

I'm already tired of the commercials for this LAME-O Matty Mc movie. Ugh. He always plays the same character.

This one has Jennifer Garner, though. Hmmm....I'm guessing she did it for Violet's college fund. Or Ben's Hairpiece Fund.

Movie looks like ass but it is counter-programming for those that have no desire to see Tim Riggins on screen with Hugh Jackman in Wolverine.

OMG, did you catch the season finale of Friday Night Lights???? Pure gold. Tyra going to college! Coach getting screwed over by Joe McCoy! Matt staying in Dillon and taking Grandma back from the nursing home! SAY WHAT???

And the most deliciously ridiculous wedding in the history of the television world.

Did you see the white suits? And cowboy hats? And Mindy's butterfly wings on her dress? And Julie's crimped hair?

It was magical. The worst. And yet, THE BEST!

Will bring a smile to my face for years to come.

Another reason to love Stevie Nicks

As if her voice and dance spins and scarves weren't enough.

When told that LiLoca Lohan was hoping to buy the rights to her life story, Stevie's response was:

OVER MY DEAD BODY.

Oh, Stevie. You make me happy.

Twirl away, little Linds.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend celebrating whatever you celebrate. I will be celebrating with ice cream.

Enjoy!

LiLoca back to red

Little Linds has ditched her blonde locks (along with her sanity) and is back to firecrotch red.

How does she have the money for all the shopping and weave treatments?

I thought all of her money was going up her nose (allegedly, of course).

Oh, Linds.

Did she get her own personal bailout from the Government?

Let the blank stares begin

Another season of The Hills dropped last night. Our resident Diva was there to catch it, dissect it, and make it more palatable to the average person. Buckle up, because it's going to be a bumpy ride:

There are some things that just keep coming back into the mix no matter how much you'd love for them to go away. Have you heard the latest single to drop from the (never) celebrated team of vocalist Heidi Montag and producer Spencer Pratt? It's not any better than Ms. Heidiwood's previous offerings. But, it is good for a laugh. Or a cry.

And other things seem like they're going to be gone forever but luckily they hang around for a bit longer. At the end of every recent Hills season, Lauren will tell anyone who will listen that she has had enough of the obtrusive cameras and is ready to call it quits. But all you have to do is wait a few months and Lauren and her posse inevitably return to the MTV airwaves with refreshed highlights and the latest designer duds.

So, hang onto your hobo bags, another season begins of The Hills starts...now.

Stephanie and Heidi are concocting a plan to throw in an extra surprise at Lauren's surprise birthday party since Heidi is going even though she's not invited. Surprise! Here's your ex-friend and you're gonna be trapped on a boat with her all night long!

This episode scores points early on for throwing in some Kelly Clarkson goodness. Love that song.

Ooh, I want Lo to order me a birthday cake. Sigh. One day.

I spotted Holly in the back of the crowd at Lauren's birthday. Will there be some added sisterly drama on this birthday boat?

Why is Spencer's face so shiny? The sheen coupled with those awkward gestures at the bar is just an unfortunate combination.

First Lo dishes out some wise words to Heidi, and then she shoots her a quality eye roll as she walks away. Gotta love that Lo.

Can we talk about Spencer's friend Charlie for a second? Ew. Any girl with a pulse and more than 5 brain cells (I'm looking at you bartender girl) should be immediately repelled by these two.

Am I the only one that expected Heidi to dive into the water and start frantically paddling to get to Spencer? She wasn't getting the whole middle of the water, not near land concept.

Whoa, I didn't think Spencer was actually gonna hit that kid. I figured he was all talk. Note: My arms are the same size as Spencer's.

Thank you Heidi for making the birthday girl cry. Hello Debbie Downer.

Stephanie is totally laying the smackdown on Spencer. It's taken a few years, but she's finally making sense when she speaks and isn't standing for any of his crap.

Heidi is stompin' around town in her boots and short skirt, and she's not gonna stop until she confronts this bartender.

Can't Darlene see that playing the nice mom card hasn't worked all along? It's time to lock Heidi up and not let her out until she agrees to ditch Spencer. Drastic times...

If Stephanie keeps defending Heidi, Lauren is going to pick up a bolt of fabric and beat her over the head with it. You know how those FIDM girls get around swatches.

Now we have Brody vs. Spencer. Good (?) vs. Evil. Showered vs. Looks Like A Drug Addict.

Ah, this was just the beginning of the Hills goodies for this season. Be back next Monday to see what great/awful things unfold in the next ep.

Is she on steroids too?

Baseball season officially kicked off last night, but for me it officially begins at 4:05 today when my Yanks take on the Baltimore Orioles at Camden Yards.

What makes this season especially joyous is the absence of A-Rod at third base. If only it were permanent. Sigh. Cody Ransom 4 Ever!

Oh, let's see.....celeb news? Well, Linds had a fun little escapade Friday night when being denied entrance into a Charlotte Ronson party. Looks like Sammy has had enough of the drama and told security she was not allowed in. Linds was having none of that (but, apparently, was having every drug under the moon) and threw a fit rivaled only by my sister when she stomps her feet. It took five security guards to calm Linds down and send her cranked up ass on it's merry way.

FIVE SECURITY GUARDS!?!?!?!?!?!?! Drugs give you super powers! HGH, anyone?

Poor Linds. She, her 45-year-old sister and her orange mother are rumored to be holed up at the Chateau Marmont. Drama!

It's sad, let's be honest. And we're not even talking about her leggings line.

Go Yanks!

Tim Riggins leads a double life

Earlier this week, the film X-Men Origins: Wolverine was leaked to the internet. The film is expected to be a huge blockbuster when it is released next month, and 20th Century Fox is pissed off about the leak and ready to go Naomi Campbell on the culprit.

I know some people are excited about this film because of an allegiance they have to one Mr. Taylor Kitsch from Friday Night Lights. In the upcoming film, Taylor plays Gambit - a mutant that can turn an ordinary playing card into a deadly weapon and still find time to play football and woo Lyla Garrity.

Oh, wait.

I know others are not as excited about this film because they feel like, "WHO THE HELL IS THIS TV BOY AND IS HIS HAIR SUPPOSED TO LOOK UNWASHED?"

Let's all simmer down and wait to see the film on the big screen starting May 1st.

On a different note, I would just like to announce that I had no idea a new season of The Hills premieres this Monday. Billed as "Lauren's last season," I'm sure it will be amazing.

GAG.

I wonder how many episodes The Diva will actually review of this shocking season. She is moving to another state in a few weeks, so I can see her excuse being that she just doesn't have the time.

Let's see if her fans revolt!

Dina Lohan makes me violent

As in, 'After reading about Dina Lohan acting the fool, I was forced to eat chocolate in order to curb my violent rage of hate."

Or something like that.

So, The Always Orange One takes her two skanky daughters to Villa and assumes that they will have no trouble getting in. You know, because she is Dina Lohan and sooo important and her one daughter is a has been but in Dina's world she is still a relevant actress and her other daughter is a never was but in Dina's world is an aspiring singer.

Who cares that the aspiring singer is only 15? She looks at least 3 times that!

Well, the bouncer was having none of it. Who in their right mind would risk their job for the Lohan's? Thankfully, not this dude. He told them to beat it and have a nice life and WHY ARE YOU ORANGE????

So Dina, in a fit of entitlement and mania, screams the question that separates good people and d-bags. Are you ready? I'm sure you know what is coming, but here it is anyway:

"Do you know who I am?"

For real. With a straight face, even. Maybe she is the true "actor" in the family!

Well, little Linds must have been needing a fix (and fast!), because she jumps in with "You're making a huge mistake. Huge!"

OH MY GOSH, SHUT UP LOHAN'S!!!!!

That bouncer deserves a raise. Kudos, sir!

Hold on to your sequins and feathers

Because after what feels like FOREVEVER, Project Runway is finally coming back to a tv near YOU! And me! And anyone who is fabulous and loves Tim Gunn.

NBC Universal, The Weinstein Company, and Lifetime television were locked in a bitchy battle of wills over the Weinstein's moving PR from Bravo to Lifetime. A settlement was reached and the 6th season of PR will premiere this summer. Bravo is out, Lifetime is in. Fierce!

Let's hope this season was worth the wait! Auf Wiedersehen!

Just when you thought he couldn't get any more annoying

John Mayer ups the ante on his foolishness.

Did you know he was on a four-day music cruise to Mexico? And that the ship is called the 'Mayercraft Carrier 2?' Ugh.

John pulled on his whitest short shorts and donned his Captain's hat (channeling a more flamboyant Captain Stubing, perhaps?) and showed off a pair of skinny, hairy legs. Gag.

Jennifer Aniston went from Brad to Vince to John. Life isn't always fair, is it Jenny?

Almost as upsetting as the prospect of being trapped on a boat with John Mayer, is the fact that people spent money to be trapped on a boat with John Mayer. Like, they voluntarily paid money to spend time with him. On a boat. In the ocean.

I feel like a moment of reflection is needed. Followed by a shot of Pepto.

An assortment of goodies

Rihanna got a gun tattoo from tattoo artist BangBang. Message to Chris Brown?

Mrs. Chris Martin has designed a Fall/Winter 09 collection with French Label ZOEtee. It's called "ZOEtee's Loves Gwyneth" and consists of what I'm sure will be overpriced crap that fits sizes 0-4. The good news is that proceeds from every piece sold will be donated to London's Kids Company, which provides support in various ways to at risk children and young people.

Beyonce's publicist has stated that she has a 19-inch waist. Ummm....no. B, as annoying as she is, has curves that she seems to embrace. I applaud her for having a real body. However, having her publicist come out with this garbage is proof that everything in the entertainment industry comes down to weight. Very sad.

Speaking of, Scarlett Johansson is thinning down for her upcoming role in Iron Man 2. You know. Because she's SO HUGE. Gah. She's almost, but not completely, got the Christina Ricci 'big head on a small body' look going on. Not attractive. Just sad.

Also sad? Lindsay Lohan's film, Labour Pains is premiering on ABC Family before going to dvd. WHAT THE HELL? Oh, Linds. I feel badly for ABC Family.

Maddie is planning to adopt another baby from Malawi. A little girl this time. Some advice on how to choose a baby: whichever one doesn't cry when seeing your scary hands and worked-over face. Good luck.

This is your mind on crack

Lindsay Lohan is the gift that keeps on giving...and I don't just mean STDs. Sam Ronson, get tested!

Little Girl Lost gave an interview with E! (because they are as cracky as she is, I guess), and the crack talk was amped up to 11:

With everything that's gone on with my family, my parents still taught us how to have tact, class, respect for others and how to follow our dreams and never change who we are for anyone or anything.

"Class" and "Lohan" do not go hand-in-hand. In fact, they don't even live in the same atmosphere. That family is whack.

If people would just leave my personal life alone—because it's really not that interesting—then I could land a great role.

Ummm...your personal life is the only thing people know about you now, Linds. Mean Girls was years ago. You know what was more recent? I Know Who Killed Me. How that was overlooked for an Oscar I'll never know. So powerful! Also more recently...club appearances with Sammy, a line of leggings, orange skin, weight loss, stringy hair, and rehab. Oh, and the crack. And the fighting with Sammy. And the shopping sprees.

SHUT IT, LINDS! YOU GOT KICKED OFF OF UGLY BETTY!! You couldn't even keep it together long enough for a story arc on Ugly Betty. Stop with the whining and get thee to real rehab where you aren't given beautiful oceanfront views and catered food.

I'd like to have my own charity, do work overseas, be in Oscar-nominated films, write movies, produce movies/shows/videos, design clothes, make music, write books, etc. It's all possible if people would just stop judging me and accusing me and making me out to be this aloof, spoiled, ungrateful and unprofessional person that I am not and could never be.

Oh my.

Very ambitious, isn't she? For someone that can't hold a job and blows through money, that is. Yikes.

The bottom line is that we are each responsible for our actions. If people think you are an unprofessional brat, that means you have done things to warrant that belief. People aren't picking these thoughts out of the air. Stop blaming other people for your life, Linds. Otherwise I'm going to start calling you "My Mother 2.0."

My gosh, this girl is tedious.

Angie needs Detox?

According to The Sun, Angie Jolie is on a liquid diet to lose weight.

From her lips? Because those plumpers are the only thing on her with any weight.

The earth mother and Brad Pitt admirer is currently filming the CIA thriller, Salt. She does all of her own stunts (well, excuse me!) and people on set are worried she will be too weak to perform. Will she use the power of her children to get her through?

You know Zahara's 'Bitch, please!' looks could rule the world.

Given that this story is from The Sun, we should take it with a grain of salt.

Ha! Salt. Get it?

I need chocolate.

Fergie doll is trannylicious!

Fergie Ferg Duhamel had a meet-n-greet at The Grove in Los Angeles on Saturday for her new shoe line (stripper heels, anyone?).

At the event, she was presented with a doll made in her image. Her tranny image!

Fergie Ferg's doll looked like a cranked out Diva performing in the Meat Packing District in NYC....complete with red satin gloves, bustier, and garter belt. Whoop!

Luckily, this doll won't pee itself on stage.

New couple alert....sort of

Rumor swirling that Ryan Gosling is trying to get together with Natalie Portman. Interesting.

Although nothing will beat McGosling (Gortman? Gosman? Portling?), I am intrigued by this possible match. Both are actors with brains that do a lot of work promoting issues in other countries, such as Darfur. Also, they are both really pretty and should have lots of pretty babies.

Kidding! I'm not 12.

But, since Rachel McAdams is hanging out with Josh Lucas these days, I'd like to see Ryan move on and find happiness.

And, can we talk about Rachel and Josh? Ugh. Rachel...really? Josh Lucas was cute in Sweet Home Alabama, but that was back in 2002. Now he kind of looks like an uncle that would get drunk at holiday parties and embarrass you.

I'm not feeling that pairing at all.

A-Rod makes it too easy

Pick up Details magazine and see for yourself why the only person A-Rod could ever love is himself.

But please, do it on an empty stomach.

This story makes my life

Oh, Julia Roberts. You ass.

Last night, in NYC, the premiere of Duplicity. It stars Clive Owen and That Woman. The one with the huge mouth and hideous laugh. The one that was so taken with herself when she won an Oscar that she couldn't be bothered to acknowledge (MUCH LESS THANK) Erin Brockovich. You know Erin, right? The woman that Horsey played in a film entitled Erin Brockovich in order to win that gold statue. The one that did the honest-to-goodness work it took to expose corruption and help the families that suffered physically and emotionally because people thought they were dispensable.

I can still see her up on that stage (while watching in the death trap known as the Rodeway Inn in State College), laughing and howling and telling the orchestra conductor that she wasn't going to allow him to play her off stage.

I HATE HER SO MUCH.

Well, a few years back, Jules decided to try her hand at Broadway. She starred in "Three Days of Rain" and, no, I didn't buy a ticket. Even though I adore Paul Rudd. Ugh. Paul deserved so much better. So did Bradley Cooper (who I have since learned to love).

Roger Friedman gave a review of the play that Jules found less then complimentary. Boo hoo. So, when he tried to interview her on the red carpet last night, she was rude like you read about. Because GOD FORBID SOMEONE NOT FALL AT HER FEET AND THINK SHE IS THE GREATEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD. She likes to hold a grudge. Classy, Jules. Very classy.

Now I know you are thinking, "But aren't you holding a grudge against Julia?" Yes. Yes, I am.

But I don't know Julia. I'll most likely never meet her. And even if I did, I can fake nice with the best of them. Jules, obviously, cannot.

Best of luck with the movie.

HATE!

I really can't stand Gwyneth Paltrow

That's all.

Transfixed by a weave

This week has been crazy. Audit at work has zapped all of my energy...and all of my computer time at work. RUDE! I mean, really.

Had a few minutes to look at some entertainment news and saw that Katie Holmes has done got herself a weave over in Tokyo. Little Joey Potter showed it off at the Valkyrie premiere. My my. Very correspondent glam. She could be a new co-host on The Daily 10.

Anything to get away from Tom, right?

She still looks beat as hell and shell shocked. Poor Katie. That contract is looking like a mistake, isn't it?

Maybe Suri will use her super Scientology powers to save you both. Fingers crossed!

Some FNL love

Did you miss 6's last episode of Friday Night Lights last Friday? Well, you should be shot.

Good stuff. Was never a huge Jason Street fan, but I was happy with how his storyline was wrapped up on the show. Let's not lie....the chances of him becoming a sports agent overnight are non-existent, but it's nice to think of this guy getting a break for once. I mean, he becomes paralyzed from the waist down playing football, his girlfriend and best friend sleep together (and are currently dating), and he's got a goofy haircut. I mean, really.

For a nice read, check out ew.com. Scott Porter, who played Jason, blogs about his final few months on the show. You can also read a blog from Gaius Charles, who played Brian "Smash" Williams on the show. Good stuff. Sounds like a great cast and crew make that show tick.

You should also check out April's Vanity Fair for an interview with Taylor Kitsch, who plays Tim Riggins. He'll next be seen on the big screen in Wolverine and likes to drop the 'f' bomb.

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose.

Coincidence? I think not.

The Chicago Sun Times reported last week that things were not all sunshine and roses in the Justin Timberlake/Jessica Biel relationship. Report was that Justin was growing tired of the relationship. Ugh. Could you imagine? They both seem so tedious and you can just tell Justin needs all the attention all the time. Good gracious, that would be a full-time job. Good thing she doesn't work much.

Well, fast forward to Saturday night on SNL. Justin cameos with Andy Samberg on Weekend Update. Funny enough. Suddenly, in struts Jessica as Jessica Rabbit. Oy. Was her butt padded? Hard to tell. Justin chewed the scenery as soon as she showed up, finishing off with a few robot dance moves that allowed him to exit stage left several seconds after her. You know he is always the last to leave. Must soak up every last bit of attention.

Gave me a stomach ache.

So, for now, Tiel (or is it Bimberlake?) is just fine.

At least as long as they can both get some airtime.

New Office tonight

Remember this show called The Office? It was on after the Superbowl this year. It's now in it's 5th season on NBC.

You know it. I know it. Does NBC know it?

The show has been knee-deep in a strange schedule this season: a new episode here, a few weeks of reruns there....annoying to say the least.

Well, the show returns tonight with it's Valentine's Day episode. You know, the day celebrated in February?

Yes, today is March 5th.

Clearly, Ben Silverman is passing around bongs instead of coherent ideas at the network. Great programming prowess!

The Office at 9, and an all-new 30 Rock at 9:30.

Speaking of, did you catch Tina on Jimmy Fallon? Stellar.

Lock up your little boys, London!

Because Michael Jackson is going to invade this summer! AAAAGGGHHHH!!!!

MJ is getting a huge paycheck of 300 million dollars for 30 shows at London's 02 arena. Say what now? That is ridiculous. In these tough economic times, how can the Pervy One be worth that much?

Can he still sing? Have you seen pics lately? He looks like he can barely stand. And that nose. Oh, that nose.

Hey, with enough spectacle he can probably lip sync and no one would care. Look at little Brit's concert comeback. The girl did not sing live once. ONCE. Not one time in last night's comeback kick-off in New Orleans. But there were dancers! And a three ring circus! Sigh.

That is why I spent money renewing my subscription to U2.com. For a chance to get pre-sale tickets when the boys tour this year, it's worth it. They can sing. LIVE. Yes, what a novel concept.

Save a seat for me, boys.

U2 on Letterman and Little Jimmy grows up

In support of their new cd, No Line On The Horizon, U2 will be on David Letterman this week. Every night this week, in fact. Set those TiVos and DVRs and eat a potato in honor of the Irish.

Will Bono sport some new eyeliner? Will Larry role his eyes? Will Edge wear a new skully? Will Adam be relevant? This is the week for answers!

The cd drops tomorrow and you should all Itune it like it's hot.

In equally exciting news, Mr. James Fallon takes over the Late Show on NBC tonight. With Conan's move to LA to take over The Tonight Show, there was room in the 12:30am slot for a new voice. Look no further than Jimmy. Not Jimmy from Seinfeld, but a good one just the same. I wish Jimmy only the best and look forward to his interviews with Tina Fey (tomorrow) and one half of Bluntski, Ms. Emily Blunt, next week. Good luck, Jimmy!

Speaking of good wishes, I would like to extend a very happy 'Congratulations!' to loyal reader Erin on her engagement. All the best to you! According to Mike Passero, taupe is the new white. Words of wisdom! I am quite certain you will have a stylish, sassy wedding and reception knowing that you have The Hills recapper, and resident Diva, on your side.

Too many diet pills

That's what I'll blame for this mess I just read about regarding Jennifer Love Hewitt, or 'Love.' Gag.

The newly single, out of her mind star of The Ghost Whisperer just celebrated her 30th birthday by dressing up as Audrey Hepburn and having breakfast at Tiffany's.

Good grief, Holly Golightly!

I know JLH starred as Hepburn in a tv movie about her, but that was just an acting role. From a long time ago. No one thought you did a good job, anyway. Leave poor Audrey's memory alone!

Looks like Ross got out just in time.

The Jolie-Pitts enjoy Broadway

Fresh out of their front row seats at the Oscar's, the Brange took 4 of their six children to see The Little Mermaid in NYC last night.

They grow up so fast, don't they? Maddox is now 7, Pax is 5, Ms. Zahara is 4, and Shiloh is 2. Six kids under 8? I need a nap just thinking about it.

Brange is in town while Angie films Salt. Tom Cruise was once attached to the project, but the producers went a different way and made the lead a woman. I don't really see why Tom had to be let go. Boom! Roasted!

Oh, it feels good to laugh.

A tranny back on the market

And her name is Megan Fox.

I'm sorry, but she even admitted it on an E! pre-show. The tranny thing, I mean. Girl wears way, WAY too much makeup. Tone it down. Would neutrals kill you?

Anyway, she and David Silver himself, Brian Austin Green, have ended their two-year engagement. According to People Mag, they 'remain friends.'

Uh-huh.

My guess is that Megan didn't appreciate BAG lifting her eyeliner for parties. Did you see those shots of him at the FOX party last year? Someone was a little too happy to be out in public with kohl eyes. Know your place, BAG, and save it for Foxy.

Transformer fan boys, my brothers, and tranny-lovers everywhere can now keep their fingers crossed for a chance with Megan.

Best of luck.

The Lohan Diet for Lent?

Happy Fat Tuesday, everyone!

Is Lindsay fasting early for Lent?

It appears she exists only on Coke, Diet Coke, and cigarettes. And....maybe other stuff? Like...ummm...things that make you very thin.

You know, like stress and work.

UH-HUH. Good one, Linds.

Saw a video of Lindsay high on...work stress, I'm sure, talking about how she and Penny Cruz are friends. ACADEMY AWARD WINNER PENELOPE CRUZ.

Yes, I mean, just look at all the photos taken of those two together. Remember those photos of them hanging out? Having lunch, clubbing, supporting Sam at a DJ gig, etc.

If I were a betting woman, I'd put five dollars on another rehab trip soon.

I'm back...and I brought The Oscar's with me

Before I begin my many thoughts about last night's Oscar telecast, I just want to thank my loyal reader(s) for their thoughts and prayers while I was on leave from this blog. The rumor around Hollywood was that I was in rehab. That is not true. I was, however, in need of a break from reporting on Tinsel Town gossip. Sometimes it just gets to be too much. I was drained and exhausted. I mean, finding out that Jennifer Love-Hewitt has a bodyguard on the set of The Ghost Whisperer sent me over the edge. I mean...her? What? Sometimes Hollywood just skewers my sense of well-being and I need to retreat into the healing power of reruns of 30 Rock and the magical comedic touch of Tina Fey.

Deep breath. Let's begin.

OH MY GOSH, TINA WAS AT THE OSCAR'S. More on that later.

Let's start with the red carpet. This year, in an effort to maximize suspense (and draw more viewers to the actual telecast), the producers asked that not all presenters walk the red carpet. Say what? With a huh? Fine. Whatever. If it saved me from having to hear a few inane interviews conducted by Ryan Seacrest, I'd like to thank the Academy. Ha!

Miley was the first little chipmunk on the carpet. Oy. Her dress was too much. Designed by Zuhair Murad, it was bejeweled with what looked like fish scales. Is she just being Miley? Please. She's 16 going on 45, but said her dress was inspired by The Little Mermaid. Back to the Disney vault, pronto!

The big buzz on the carpet was whether or not The Brange and Maniston would cross paths. Didn't happen. WHYYY?????? Well, it was deliciously awkward during the ceremony, so I was rewarded later. Jenny A. skipped the red carpet, but The Brange did not. Brad looked great, but I'm wondering why Angie decided to leave the house looking like a woman in her mid-60s? That hair was horrible. It aged her dramatically. Don't get it. I mean, she has a zillion children, I know she's tired, but why take it out on her hair. She's always had great hair. Not last night. And would it kill her to eat? So thin. And didn't she used to have a bigger chest? She's lost weight everywhere. Loved her Elie Saab black strapless dress and emerald jewels, though.

Where is my Kate Winslet? Where? Oh, there. Totally killing it Grace Kelly style in her Atelier Yves Saint Laurent dress. Adore her. She really brought glam and fabulous style throughout the award season. And she has wrinkles! She get wrinkles around her eyes when she laughs and she is real and down-to-earth and I just love her.

Wait. What? I know my lenses have scratches and smudges, but did I really see what I thought I saw? MELISSA GEORGE on the red carpet? The woman that ruined Season 3 of Alias and made children weep and dogs howl in despair is on the red carpet? No. No. NO!!!! Ahem. Well, she was and she looked a mess, so there was some satisfaction. According to my brother, Rob, there is a lottery the celebs must enter to attend, and it was her year to win. Like how Gary Busey attended last year and scared the crap out of Jennifer Garner.

Penelope Cruz wore a white Pierre Balmain gown that was very princess-like. Not a fan of white, but she looked very pretty. Didn't like her hair, though, because her bangs were too heavy and split on her forehead strangely. Her jewels, from Chopard, were exquisite, though.

There's Anne Hathaway. I wish she had worn a jewel tone because she is even more pale than I am. Her strapless Armani Prive dress was quite stunning, though, and it fit her skeletal frame well. I'm sorry, but it's true! Girl needs to eat! C'mon, Annie!

Amy Adams looked stunning. She wore a crimson Carolina Herrera bustier dress with black silk satin. I like when redheads don't shy away from red. It really worked with her hair color and skin tone. What I could have done without was her Fred Leighton necklace, which not only looked like it weighted 1,000 pounds, but was too busy and took attention away from the dress. Less would have been more.

Beyonce in the house! Looking like she wore something from the Tina Knowles collection. GOOD GRIEF, CHARLIE BROWN, she was! Proving that she and her mother wouldn't know good taste if it sang to them, she wore a dress that could best be described as drapes in an asylum. Black dress. Busy gold flowers that overpower the dress. The House of Dereon needs to board up it's doors and hope for a tornado.

Paging good taste, STAT. Oh, thank goodness. Natalie Portman to save the day. Looked amazing. Lilac Rodarte pleated gown. Hair pulled up. So petite. My only problem is that she used a little too much bronzer on her face. Otherwise, flawless.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I have major Sarah Jessica Parker issues. Besides loathing Carrie Bradshaw, I always found SJP to be a little too 'fake gracious' and gregarious. Don't know why she was ever considered a 'style icon,' because she always looks so overdone and tries to hard to be on the cutting edge. Last night was prom night for Cinderella. Her 'barely mint' Dior Couture gown made me cringe. And her hair added bulk around her long face. Nightmare all the way around.

Here's a question: When did Jessica Biel go tranny? She looked horrible last night! Stringy hair, strong makeup, and a white, strapless Prada gown. Actually, I am insulting trannies everywhere and I don't mean to.

Oh, Heidi. The Klum did not look her best last night. The woman is stunning, but her slicked do and origami Roland Mouret gown left me bewildered. She chose crimson (always a good color on her) to draw attention to the Heart Truth campaign that she is heavily involved in and wore the Diet Coke red dress charm bracelet she designed for the campaign. Good work Heidi, but not with the dress design. You're out!

Freida Pinto. Love her. If you haven't seen Slumdog Millionaire yet, run. So good. Freida is stunning. Didn't love her John Galliano dress last night. The cobalt blue was fab, but I didn't like the lace covering one arm. And her hair was pulled up and too mature. She's young and has beautiful hair. Could have done something stylish with it. She and Dev Patel were adorable, though. So sweet and kind with the young children from the movie. Oh my gosh, those kids were gorgeous and hilarious and so thrilled to be there. Did you see Ryan and Giuliana doing their best to embarrass Dev and Freida? Ugh. Are they dating???? What???? Freida is involved in a bit of a scandal regarding her fiance (or is it husband?) that she dumped recently. Need more details, but it is being played that she dumped his ass once the movie started winning awards. Say it ain't so, Freida!

Taraji P. Henson. Gorgeous! Her tiered ivory Roberto Cavalli gown killed. Flattered her figure and did not wear her, you know? Loved the hair, jewels and clutch. Perfect!

You know who surprised me the most? Alicia Keys. Not because she normally looks beat, but because she was there. She looked fabulous in her plum Armani Prive gown. Worked so well with her skin tone and her flowing locks worked perfectly.

Oh, wait. I was actually surprised by Robert Downey, Jr. as well. What elixir did he drink the night before, because he looked at least 20 years younger last night?!?! Fabulous.

Paging the tweens! It's Vanessa Hudgens. Oy. Not a big fan of feathers, so the ones glued to her bust were scaring me. Otherwise, the Marchesa strapless black gown would have looked okay. Not great. Liked her earrings from Cathy Waterman, though.

Settle down, girls. Zac Effron and Robert Pattinson on the carpet. Don't get the appeal of either one (a metrosexual and a pale guy that looks like he doesn't bathe), but the gals love them! I won't mention which of my sisters likes the
High School Musical movies. Did I mention that I only have one sister? I'm glad I'm not a tween right now. The boy choices are limited.

Now, on to the show!

Love Hugh Jackman. He's Australian! He's Wolverine! He sings! He dances! He hosted The Tony's! I thought he did a great job last night. I know I was scratching my head when I heard the announcement that he would be hosting, but I think it was a nice shakeup for the show. He's very personable, very talented, and very cute. Worked for me. The opening number was fun and MY GOSH, he has a lot of energy. Very classy and worked that tux beautifully. Also, I hear that Ricky Gervais and Seth Myers wrote his jokes. Uh, yeah. Can't go wrong there. Love them!

Could have done without the musical number in the middle. Save it for Broadway! At least Beyonce wasn't in her horrible gown. But I'm just not a fan of musicals in general, so it was time to fast forward.

Something I didn't fast forward through? TINA FEY. Tina Fey and Steve Martin presenting Adapted and Original Screenplays. Did I mention Tina? She looked amazing in her Zac Posen silver dress. Great shape for her. And she's funny. Did you know Tina is funny? You should. Everyone in the world should. I bet she had a hand in writing their sketch (if not writing the whole thing).

Congrats to Penelope Cruz for winning Best Supporting Actress for Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Her speech was cute and she looked nervous. The bangs still bugged me. Sorry, Penny!

Poignant moment alert! Heath Ledger won Best Supporting Actor for The Dark Knight. His father, mother, and sister accepted the award on his behalf. Very touching and I give them credit for doing it. Couldn't have been easy.

Did you know Kate Winslet has been nominated for six Oscars? Sixth time was the charm, as she finally won for her role in The Reader. OH MY GOSH, I love Kate. So cute when she asked her dad to whistle so she would know where he was sitting. Everyone was so happy for Kate. Her fellow actors (both older and younger than her) respect and admire her. Marion Cotillard (looking stunning) was clearly thrilled to be appointed as the former Best Actress winner to speak of Kate's performance this year. (In a fun twist, the Academy had previous winners in the acting categories (5 each) walk on stage and speak of each of this year's nominees. Last year's winner opened the envelope and announced this year's winner). Got that?
Kudos to you, Kate!

In the tightest race of the night, Best Actor, Sean Penn emerged with his 2nd Oscar. It seemed a two-man race between him and Comeback of the Year, Mickey Rourke. Sean took the time to push for equal rights for all people during his speech, even going so far as to say that those who voted for the ban on gay marriage should feel ashamed and anticipate "the shame in their grandchildren's eyes if they continue that way of support." He also congratulated Mickey Rourke and called him "my brother."

Finally, the Best Picture was presented by Steven Spielberg. All hail Slumdog! So glad it won Best Picture. Didn't realize until this past weekend that it was originally going to go straight to dvd. Luckily, funding came through and it was released on the big screen. Wonderful film. Brilliant cast.

And that ends another award season. I'm exhausted. You? Congrats to all the winners and nominees.

Kate Winslet

She killed at the Globes. Oh, Kate.

So deserved. She's outstanding and it's about time she started getting the awards. Yes, the nominations are nice, but this woman is a great actor. People much less deserving have won awards....Julia Roberts, anyone? Uh, yeah. So give Kate all the awards and let her finally bring home an Oscar.

But last night it was her night to shine at the Globes. And she did. Two awards for two heralded performances. And her favorite men were on either side of her: Sam Mendes and Leo D. She looked radiant and owned the night. All hail Kate.

And you know Kate is loved by her peers when even Angie overlooked being referred to as "the other one." Seriously. If Anne Hathaway would have forgotten Angie's name on stage, Anne Hathaway would no longer be alive today. There would be dust where Anne once stood. Angie's bitch face from the Critics' Choice Awards still haunts Anne. I'm sure of it.

Maybe she's too afraid to eat. Anne, you must eat. You are way too thin.

The other highlight of the night? The Brange turning their back on Ryan Seacrest on live television. Like, completely ignoring his pleas for an interview. Did I mention that Ryan had to fly off his E! post and run after them? He physically left his post to go after The Brange, only to have security cut him off as he tried to impede on their photo ops. Gah! I can only imagine the tizzy he threw later on. Brad was even caught stopping to chat with Billy Bush on the carpet. BUT NO SEACREST? Sorry, Ryan. Brad Pitt respects Billy Bush more than you.

Oh my gosh, sad.

All Hail Queen Z

Zahara turns 4 today.

You know she told those other brats to bow down. She doesn't mess around.

Sydney Bristow pops out another child

And it's a girl! A sister for little Violet, who turned 3 last month.

Somewhere, Michael Vartan is breathing a sigh of relief and going about his business doing whatever he wants.

Where has the time gone?

Wasn't it just 2008?

Well, I am exhausted. Trying to drink more water and walk more during the day is very tiring.

Anyway, is anyone watching Bromance on MTV? Ugh. Brody Jenner is a nightmare. Tedious on The Hills, so it makes perfect sense to give him his own show. And don't get me started on Whitney Port. The City looks like a snoozefest. Mondays will never be the same.

Neil Patrick Harris is hosting SNL this week. Yes, please. LOVE him. So damn funny on HIMYM. I really hope he wins a Globe this Sunday. Well deserved.

The Jonas Brothers are presenting during the ceremony. Really? Gah. As Liz Lemon would say, "Youths!"

Speaking of Liz, there is a new 30 Rock this week. Can't wait. I've missed having new episodes to rewind during laughing fits. The Office returns all-new on the 15th.

Scrubs returns tonight at 9:00 on it's new home, ABC. Thank you for taking on this funny show and giving it the respect NBC never could, Steve McPherson! Now, if only you could respect me enough to air the final three Pushing Daisies episodes now and not make me wait until summer. Annoying, to say the least.

Also annoying? Trying to be healthy. I need to go on the Lohan diet.

A Time For Reflection

What a year! Oh, 2008, you really kicked my ass. You were EXHAUSTING. But, there were definitely moments that made me glad I hadn't idolized the Menendez Brothers and ended up in jail.

With that, here's a look back:

Jim and Pam got engaged. FINALLY. Oh, so coy, writers. After four seasons, our favorite office workers got engaged at a gas station. And, somehow, it worked beautifully. Now, let's got on with the wedding.

Cloverfield made me nauseous. Seriously, it did. That hand-held camera nonsense grated after thirty minutes. And nice of Rob to endanger the lives of his friends by making them haul ass over to Beth. Oh, there's just some gigantic alien ripping NY a new one, but he needs to find Beth so he can admit he was an ass to her. Ugh. BUT, Matt Reeves and JJ Abrams gave me Felicity, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

We got a new President. Oh, yes. And he has his work cut out for him. Hope he's enjoying that vacay in Hawaii.

Angie popped out some twins. Better her then me.

Brit made a comeback. And it is still keeping. May 2009 mark a fresh start for the pop tart, starting with a few good weaves.

The economy is going down. That was a quote from a friend of mine. See what an Emerson education can do for you? Our country is a mess, but if Britney can make a comeback, hopefully we can too.

Tina Fey made a better Gov. Palin then Gov. Palin. Tina can turn anything into gold.

And with that, I wish you all a Happy New Year. May 2009 be the Year of Bluntski.

Cate Blanchett

Uh, yeah....she's awesome. Need proof?

Oscar winner, lives out of the spotlight of Hollywood, adored by her peers, wife, mother, embraces the pale, and doesn't whine about fame.

Refreshing, to say the least.

Cate graces the cover of the February Vanity Fair.

Jennifer Aniston, take note.

Tina Fey named Entertainer of the Year

The AP got it right by naming Tina their Entertainer of the Year. Well deserved, don't you think?

Tina beat out Robert Downey Jr. for the top spot, but I'm sure good ole' Rob can live with it. His Iron Man comeback was well received throughout Hollywood, and he is currently filming Guy Ritchie's version of Sherlock Holmes in London. Kudos to Rob for turning it around and getting off the drugs.

Things looked dire for him a few years back. Remember the time he found his way into a stranger's house and fell asleep in a child's bed? Yikes.

Wishing RDJ only good things in 2009.

And now I would like to take the time to wish all of my Celebrity Skewer readers a Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Festive Kwanzaa, and joyous any and all Holidays you observe.

Fingers crossed I get the Jim Halpert clone under my tree I've been wishing for since Season 1. Tick Tock, Santa.

The Hills finale

Another season of The Hills came to a close last night. Oh, and look at what Christmas miracle we have: Recapper Jessica doing her job and recapping the finale! What do you think of that?

It's the season finale of The Hills tonight. What pre-Christmas goodies did MTV bring us? To wrap up the final episode of '08, here are the top 8 moments from tonight's show:

Brent's reaction to Heidi's wedding: the pause, the stunned silence, the slight eye roll. Classic.

Justin Bobby in overalls, no shirt, on the motorcycle with the huge handlebars.

Good ol' Darlene, ready and waiting to lay the smackdown on Mr. and Mrs. Pratt.

Spencer looking like his laziness is finally equalling fattiness. That is a bloated face underneath all that scruff.

Justin Bobby coughing up a ring, literally, to give Audrina. I swear that's what it looked like to me.

Heidi's plastic face showing some emotion during her five minute reunion with Lauren. The whole interaction was awkward, and kind of sweet. But mostly just awkward.

Crackhead Stephanie being the only sane person in the courtroom. When she's the voice of reason, you're in trouble.

Spencer being the biggest drama king ever and waiting until the last minute to ask Heidi if she was okay with getting married in court. What a novel idea. I'm sure that judge was thrilled to have to deal with this three ring circus.

So, another Hills season has come to a close. Who's in for The City next week? I don't think I have it in me. Ugh, I must be getting old.

A-Rod kicked to the curb already?

Reports are surfacing that Maddie has found herself a studly young Brazilian named Jesus. Seriously.

Hmmm.....A-Rod's wandering eye get him in trouble already? Or did he show up to brunch one day without his Kabbalah bracelet? You know Maddie won't stand for either.

Now if we could only kick him to another team....Merry Christmas to ME!

What a week

John Krasinski and Emily Blunt first photos together. They shall now be known as Bluntski. LOVE THEM!

SAG noms. I really want to see Kate Winslet sweep every and all awards. Long overdue.

Celebrity Rehab finale. I will watch today as it snows and snows and snows. Ugh. Spring '09, I'm looking at you longingly.

Yanks introduce CC and AJ.

My head is spinning and I can feel the pea soup coming up. Time for a nap.

The Piv better watch himself

Oh, Jeremy Piven.

He was working it on Broadway in Speed the Plow during his Entourage hiatus. People were impressed and it was considered a success.

Now he has dropped out and flown back to LA, citing a high level of mercury in his system.

Is 'mercury' the new code for 'cocktails?' Jeremy's party hard ways are no secret in Hollywood. He loves the drink, the ladies, and a good hair piece. Will be interesting to see if this turns into something scandalous or not.

I'm sure he'll be just fine for the Golden Globes next month. Just a hunch.

J Lo and Marc Anthony over?

Are they still relevant? Were they ever?

US Weekly has J on the cover with the headline, 'The Ring is Off!' Mmmhmm.

Seems the Mrs. went to the Benji Button premiere without her wedding ring. An oversight? Doubtful. J seems too calculated for that. Especially since she looked stunning on that particular red carpet. She knew there would be paps and press and she's been in the business long enough to know how to draw some attention.

So, the question then becomes, did she send Marc a message by not wearing her ring or was she just trying to get the media talking about her?

Well played, J. Well played.

ETA: The two were spotted at dinner in NYC last night, with J sporting her rock. And I don't mean Marc Anthony!

Stay tuned.

The Hills

More hijinx from the worst "reality" on television:

Only one episode left before next week's finale. What will be the big season ender? Hmmm...until we figure it out, let's get on with tonight's ep.

The Mexican sunlight really adds a different element to the gross fuzz that is on Spencer's face.

Doesn't Lauren look a shade too Oompa Loompa?

Did you catch the car parked outside Audrina's house? It was very Ghostbusters-esque. I'm hoping it's Justin Bobby's ride, just because it would be so fitting.

Can the finale musical guest match the past live Hills event performances of Mimi Carey and Usher? Ha, here's hoping.

Brody better not get too handsy with Whitney, or Aussie NYC werewolf will have some words for him.

Spencer's proposal sounded more like a stalker note than a romantic profession of love. What a psycho.

And what girl doesn't want to down tequila shots to convince her to get married the following day? This is what dreams are made of people.

Lauren starts up with the waterworks at lunch with Whitney. She cries alot. Good thing she still has the jumbo sunglasses to cover the tears.

I can't believe that chapel didn't disintegrate the minute Spencer stepped inside of it.

Now we have to see Pratt wedding #2 next week? Ugh, spare me.

John Taylor, please don't look old tonight

I'm seeing Duran Duran tonight. Jealous? You should be!

I love Duran Duran. Sue me. They were my life in the 80s because they made weird videos and had ridiculous hair and Nick Rhodes was the first guy I ever saw wear makeup (which is probably why I didn't bat an eyelash while seeing dudes at Emerson College wear eyeliner or even wear a dress if the mood were to strike). Thanks, Nick Rhodes.

John Taylor was my favorite. Cute and played an instrument and wasn't a limelight whore (uh, Simon). So, tonight I will see him and hopefully be far enough away to not see that he has aged, a lot, which would make me feel old and cranky and remind me that I have aged, A LOT. Ugh.

Of course, I'm hoping that before the show I will win millions at a slot machine. Then I can buy a few rounds and everyone will look young and I can sit with John after the show and discuss plastic surgery.

Someone buy Jennifer Connolly a burger

Or, if she's a vegetarian like me, a few pints of Ben & Jerry's. Girlfriend is thin. Like scary thin.

She was on Letterman Monday night to promote The Day the Earth Stood Still. The minute she walked out on stage I said, "Holy s***, she's skinny." True story.

The last time she looked this thin to me was when she won the Oscar for A Beautiful Mind. She was gaunt. Her boyfriend had just dumped her (nice one, Josh Charles. Ugh.) and she looked like she hadn't slept/eaten in months.

I haven't heard rumblings of trouble in her marriage to Paul Bettany. She did, however, admit to Dave that her father had passed away recently. Perhaps she is just someone that deals with stress/grief by not eating. I hope that is it and am sorry for her loss.

I will eat enough for both of us throughout the day, I'm sure.

The Day the Earth Stood Still opens Friday.

The Hills

It's a holiday miracle! An on time recap was in my inbox this morning. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

Please pay very close attention to the 2nd sentence of this recap. Speaks volumes, doesn't it?

First of all, I plead sickness for depriving you of your weekly dose of recapping goodness last week. As for the other times I've missed a post in the past, well I just plead laziness.

DVF. It's finally time for Whitney to break out her printed wrap dresses, Diane von Furstenberg (and Whit's very own NYC-based spin off) is calling.

The Conrads are moving out of Laguna Beach. The end of an era.

"Go be a nun. Join like...a nun's thing." Another intelligent nugget from Mr. Spencer Pratt.

The commercial they showed for The City doesn't exactly make me about to die with anticipation for the premiere. New (surely annoying) skinny friends/frenemies: check. Dirty Aussie boyfriend: check. Lots of taxis: check check. And don't even get me started on Brody's show, Bromance. Seriously, MTV? Someone sanctioned this name?

I wish when Lauren went home to pack up her Laguna bedroom, the younger sister that was on one of the bad Laguna seasons was there. I'd love to see what she's up to nowadays.

Did Whitney go into the interview knowing she was gonna get the gig? Since DVF let the MTV cameras into their office in the first place, wouldn't that kind of be a tip off?

Lauren and Lo on the Laguna cliffside, saying their final goodbye to the Conrad manse. I couldn't love it more.

The big question for next week: can I watch the Montag-Pratt nuptials without throwing up?

James Fallon in small doses

Apparently that's how most people like him.

I, however, am a Jimmy fan and hope that he does well when he takes over Conan O'Brien's spot next year (when Conan takes over for Jay Leno - Thank God. Ugh. Jay is the worst).

Starting tonight, Jimmy will be posting video blogs on nbc.com. They will be five minutes long and appear at 12:35 am. Not sure what Jimmy will be doing (I've always loved his song parodies, so fingers crossed), but I am curious to see what he brings to the table.

I am a huge Conan fan and hope that he finds a bigger audience when he takes over The Tonight Show. Jimmy will have a great lead-in and I hope he can make his quirkiness work for a late night tv audience.

Best of luck to you, Jimmy.

The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2008

Barbara Walters has a list and a tv special to boot. I agree with Michael Phelps and Tina Fey. I mean, I was enthralled by the Olympics (a first for me) and how long Michael's arms are. And need I say more about the genius of Tina Fey? Adore her.

And since we can (fairly) safely assume that our next President will be #1, I can say that is a good and obvious choice.

But the rest of Barbara's list? Just stop. Tom Cruise? Really, Babs? Uh...as I said to my friend Scott last night, Tom hasn't been fascinating since Top Gun (and now, years later, long after my crush on him has died a humble death, I realize that the reason Tom looked so confident and happy in that film was because of the volleyball scene. That scene made his life because of all the shirtless dudes he was surrounded by). You know he and Kelly McGillis did not get along, right?

Rush Limbaugh? No. Miley Cyrus? Ugh. Frank Langella? I know he's getting buzz for Frost/Nixon, but is he fascinating? Sorry, Frank. The dude that keeps getting pregnant? Yawn.

Here is my own list of the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2008:

10. The woman from QVC that is always shown on The Soup. Thanks to Scott for that fascinating entry that I couldn't agree with more.
9. The writers of Prison Break. Man, what are they smoking?
8. Minka Kelly. She went from John Mayer (gag) to Derek Jeter and she gets paid to smooch on Taylor Kitsch. Do tell, Minka.
7. Kathy Griffin's mom. After the loss of her husband, she is just as strong and vibrant as ever. She loves the gays and a box of wine, and gave birth to one of the funniest people to ever live. Kudos.
6. My cat. She is very picky about her litter brand and will turn her nose if she doesn't like her dry food. Feline diva!
5. Keri Russell. Lives a quiet life in Brooklyn with her husband and son, and has come into her own on stage and in film. And I have A LOT of questions/comments about Felicity.
4. John Krasinski. Tall. Funny. Cute. Smart. Even made his Unibomber look work for an upcoming movie. Impressive.
3. Hilary Clinton. Presidential hopeful. Secretary of State. She had my vote and I'm confident she will do quite well in the new Administration.
2. Tina Fey. Wife, mother, former Head Writer of SNL, creator of 30Rock, Emmy winner, Palin impersonator, genius.
1. Barack Obama. Gives hope at a time when it is in short supply. Makes me look forward to January for the first time in years.

Barbara's special airs this Thursday at 10:00 on ABC. Mine exists in my mind.

A new month brings little surprise

Last I checked, there was a new episode of The Hills last night. While watching Britney's harrowing documentary on Sunday night (gag), I saw commercials showing LC and Audrina finally sitting down to 'chat' over the whole JB/LC mess.

So, imagine my surprise (or not!) while checking my inbox this morning. No review of last night's episode from Diva. Hmmmm....where was she? Chasing criminals along the Inner Harbor? Throwing back shots while watching Monday Night Football? Sleeping? Doing drugs?

I hope to have an answer soon and will break in with a special update when I get word. Stay tuned!

In other news, WTF is going on with Prison Break? And is anyone else distressed over the lack of chemistry this season between Michael and Dr. Sara? Something is amiss.