Back to School, y'all!

No, Brit isn't filming a remake of the Rodney Dangerfield movie. Like anyone would believe she could get into college. Besides, Crossroads still leaves a bad taste in the mouths of collective Hollywood. If only Jessica Simpson would stop getting roles! At least Mandy Moore can act. Thank goodness for you, Mandy! You give teenage pop stars hope.

Anway, a judge ruled that Brit and Kevin can maintain their 50/50 custody of their two poor sons, but that Brit has to get drug-tested twice a week and they both must attend co-parenting counselling sessions. Oh, boy. That will help, I'm sure. Kevin can learn that children aren't trophies, and Brit can learn that having your children fetch you your coke is considered poor parenting. It is? "But when I'm hungover, I can't get off the couch. Mama needs her white powder! Where's my weave?"

Well, to show how upset Brit was by this ruling, she hit Winston's and Hyde last night. Screw responsibility! I need to dance and pound red bull and coke. Yum.

The best thing anyone can do for those kids is leave the front door open and hope they find someone in the neighborhood that can take care of them. Good luck, boys!

Emmy recap

I'll just start by saying I was not bitter AT ALL that this year's bleacher seats were covered. What a great idea! It's not like they make you wait in the sun for 4 hours until the celebrities begin to show. HATE!

I would also like to say that everyone in the bleacher seats looked like nice, intelligent people who completely deserved to be there. Congrats to you all! (No, my brother didn't say anything about wishing the roof would collapse on all of you. Stop trying to start rumors!)

Let's begin with the pre-show. Oy.

Seacrest was a dick, as always. I loved how he ogled all of the women he interviewed in an attempt to keep that closet door tightly shut. What a loser. His strange obsession with Eva Longoria is creepy. I think he's in love with Tony Parker and figures if he butters Eva up, she won't suspect the knife he one day puts in her heart so Tony can be his! Or, he's looking to make an "Eva suit of skin" that he can wear like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs. Fun!

The Best Dressed of the night were Julia Louis-Dreyfus in deep purple, Kristen Bell in cornflower blue, Glenn Close in navy, Tina Fey and Mariska Hargitay in black, Kate Walsh in red, and America Ferrara in bright blue. Kudos, ladies! My gosh, Mariska's husband is good-looking! Deep breaths....deep breaths. Okay.

Worst Dressed was Vanessa Williams. Good grief. Feathers are never a good idea on a dress. Just, no. The color was wonderful (mint green), but the feathers were hideous. Shame on you, Kevan Hall.

I was also disappointed in Jenna Fischer's dress. The big bow underneath her breasts was ridiculous, and I didn't quite get the print. In a solid color, it would have looked amazing. Her hair and makeup were flawless, and I really wanted her to "wow" the red carpet after hurting her back in May and recently announcing her split with her husband. Oh, Jenna! I still love you and your frizzy hair and cardigans. Oh, wait. That's Pam. Well, love them both.

For the men, bow ties were a big trend. WHY???? I hate bow ties. But, John Krasinski and Patrick Dempsey wore them and looked hot, so I will begrudgingly accept it. I think Sally Field was having a hot flash when presenting with Patrick. I would have as well, Sally. I wasn't thrilled with the shorter hair on Patrick, but he looked great last night.

Did I mention I don't like Seacrest? Stick to hosting that singing competition show. Just awful. His attempts at humor were like an open-mic night. NIGHTMARE. Please let someone with a comedy gene host next year. He wasted no time going over to Eva and asking to see the bottom of her shoe. Huh? Oh, man. Foot fetish? You know he's dying to wear those heels.

The Theater in the Round was making me dizzy. Bad idea. And I don't understand the seating. The Office won the Best Comedy Emmy last year. Why weren't they in front? And why wasn't I given a clear indication as to whether or not Krasinski and Rashida Jones are still dating? That should have been your top priority FOX! Don't make me speculate as to why they weren't sitting next to each other. Trouble in paradise?

I really wanted Jenna to win Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy, but I can live with Jaime Pressly winning. Joy is a great character and she plays her with a lot of sass. Great acceptance speech, too.

I'm so bummed Ricky Gervais wasn't there to pick up his Best Actor in a Comedy award. I love Extras and am glad he was recognized. I LOVED that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert had Steve Carell come up on stage instead. HA! Great moment of them jumping around together. I would have been happy with Steve, Alec Baldwin, or Ricky winning. Just no Shaloub. Enough with Monk. Really.

If one show was going to beat The Office and not make me throw my t.v., it was 30 Rock. Such a great show. I hope this brings more recognition (and viewers). As it is now the permanent lead-in to The Office, I want big things for it this season. Tina's speech was hilarious. I am one of the "dozens and dozens of people that watch our show." HA! And proud of it. Oh, and I loved how Tracy Morgan was up on stage just chewing his gum. Was he still wearing his alcohol monitoring anklet? Such a great accessory.

Greg Daniels won for Comedy Writing for The Office. He and Conan used to be roommates. He kept Jim and Pam apart all season and introduced me to Karen Fillipelli. Congrats, Greg! *Smack*

Sally Field was censored for saying that if mothers ruled the world, there would be no war. I love Sally Field.

All-in-all, an okay show. Oh, and XTina performed with Tony Bennett. Fake bake and bleached hair have never looked classier. No, really.

Lock him up and throw away the key!

My favorite ex-football-player-that-got-away-with-murder, OJ Simpson, was questioned by Las Vegas police last night about a robbery that took place at the Palace Station Casino. The what? Never heard of it. Is he not allowed in The Bellagio? I'd buy that.

Alfred Beardsley, a memorabilia dealer, claims that OJ and his entourage robbed him and his associates of sports/OJ trial memorabilia at gunpoint. Oh, boy. Did OJ want the bloody glove back? What an idiot. Was Emmitt Smith's Dancing with the Stars trophy part of this collection? I bet OJ wants it, seeing as he will never be asked on the show. He has bad knees, you know...but still managed to run like the wind after murdering Ron and Nicole.

But I digress.

Should I be surprised OJ has an entourage? No. Far lesser douches than The Juice have people that want to leech off of them. You have to be a pretty desperate/mentally ill person to want to hang out with this guy, but maybe they just really like to golf. Or rob people of a Tom Brady signed football. How's Giselle, Tom? He's another idiot.

Keep your fingers crossed that OJ ends up behind bars. Please, God. Since I'm not going to the Emmys, can I please have this? PLEASE? I'm desperate.

Good luck, Jenna Fischer.

Jon Stewart to host Academy Awards

Love Jon Stewart. So funny. So cute.

Oscar telecast producer, Gil Cates, really likes Jon and wanted him back for next year's ceremony. Who hosted this year? Oh, Ellen. Right. She was fine. I think. I don't really remember. I like her talk show, though.

I really miss Billy Crystal hosting the Oscars. I can't help it. I loved those opening montages of him in hit movies. Sue me! They were funny. I think he was in bed with George Clooney once. Is that funny? Maybe.

I wonder if Bruce Villanch still writes jokes for the opening monologue. I saw him in CA at a restaurant once. I had a really great salad there. Oh, and my brother and I thought we saw Scott Foley at this same restaurant another time. Are you riveted?

I think Jon will do a good job. He was fine two years ago. Anyone is better than Ryan Seacrest, who I'm sure will make me choke on my own bile while he hosts the Emmys this Sunday. Who did he have to sleep with to get that gig? What a tool.

No, I'm not bitter about being locked out of red carpet bleacher seats this year. Do I sound like I am?

Congrats, Jon!

Suck on that, Ty Pennington!

Last year, Kathy Griffin's reality show, My Life on the D-List, lost the emmy for Best Reality Series to Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Ms. Kathy was not having it. She called BS during the Creative Arts Emmy's and made a scene. How I wish I was there to witness it.

Well, a year later, and the Emmy voters got it right. Kathy won Saturday night and gave what everyone is calling a "memorable speech."(By "everyone" I mean the two media outlets that discussed it within my earshot over the radio). During the speech, she discussed how celebrities often thank God when receiving their awards and how the emmy was "her god now" and that "Jesus can suck it." Oh, Kathy.

It is annoying when celebrities thank God for their wins. It's like when baseball players look up to heaven and blow a kiss after getting a base hit that scores the go-ahead run, or strike out a batter with the bases loaded. Ugh. God doesn't care about your baseball skills! Big Papi, you are the size of a house. You should be hitting homeruns and hitting the ball out of the infield! Pedro Martinez, God doesn't care that you can still strike people out. He is more concerned with your bad attitude and your association with that little person that acted as your Mini Me last season.

Okay, fine. Bobby Abreu does it and I'm not proud. BUT, God really likes him so it's okay. HA!

Anyway, after a year in which she divorced and lost her father, I'm really happy for Kathy and hope that Bravo renews her series for another season. I mean, she's the Red-Headed Oprah for goodness sakes!

Bad weaves and lip syncs and paranoia, oh my!

Poor Britney.

The opening shot, of the back of her horrible weave, was the best part of her performance. It was the only time she wasn't lip syncing! And the girl doesn't even know the words to her own song! What the hell? Too much coke? Too much partying with Puffy and Pharrell? Where was Criss Angel? Did he put a spell on her?

Her sparkly bra and underwear did no favors for her body. Granted, she has a flatter stomach than I do, but at least I know when to cover up my stomach and ass from the first ten rows(and millions of people watching on television). Oh, she's over. OVER. So over.

She looked completely out of it. Completely. She was scared and hesitant. She did not dance. She shimmied a few times and tried to keep from falling off stage. Of course, she never got close to the edge, but maybe she was distracted from all the spiders she must have been hallucinating were crawling on her skin. Is it spiders? Maybe ants? Are bugs ever associated with drug hallucinations? Am I on drugs?

Oh, and it's time to call in Tyra Banks so she can loan out some decent weaves. Brit needs a handler in the worst way.

Not good, y'all! Not good.

I want to smack Peter Doherty...but he probably wouldn't feel it

Pete Doherty, the former, maybe-now, maybe-still-former boyfriend of Ms. Kate Moss is a major crackhead. Old news. He's been arrested multiple times for possession and insane behavior and always released on bail. Huh. So, the English legal system is just as stank as the American one? Interesting.

Well, now it seems that ole' Cracky is making his cats smoke crack with him. Yeah, you read that right. He even made a mini crack pipe for one of the kittens his older cat gave birth to in April. Where is PETA and when are they going to storm his crack den? OH MY GOSH, I'm so pissed.

Now, I know when "a friend" spills all to The Sun, it's best to take everything with a grain of salt, but I saw a picture of this mess with the cat and the crack pipe. Actually, it looked to me like a bottle of booze you would get on a plane, but it could be a crack pipe, as I'm not really up on that sort of thing. I mean, I saw the movie Rush when I was in college, but Jason Patric's facial hair is really what scared me most. An hour in I was like, "Maybe I should do some heroin so I'll forget how creepy he looks and travel back to a more simple time....like when he was in The Lost Boys and before the Corey's became white hot messes."

I so want those cats to turn on him it's not even funny.

Trainwreck in Vegas

Oh, MTV. I once loathed my parents for being the only people in the neighborhood(at the time I thought ENTIRE WORLD)that didn't have cable and were, therefore, depriving me of seeing Duran Duran videos. Oh, the humanity.

Well, years and years and YEARS later(yes, I'm old), MTV proves that it sucks ass and can't pass up a white hot mess when it sees one. The "music channel" officially announced today that Brit will be opening the Music Awards this coming Sunday. If I were in the first several rows, I would wear ponchos like I was expecting Gallagher to come on stage and smash some watermelons. You don't know when a weave, red bull, puke, or coke sweat will hit you in the face! Take cover!

Sure, I'll watch. I love a good lip sync!

MTV, however, scolds me right to my face by announcing she will sing the song live. Who wrote that press release and how hard were they laughing? No harder then me when I read she spent an hour at a tanning salon yesterday. An hour? Good gracious. Just pull an Amanda Bynes and become addicted to self-tanner. Have you seen that girl lately? She's not the Amanda that I used to watch while babysitting on Saturday nights in Wilton, CT(don't judge! I needed the money!).

Anyway, watch out Vegas. This will be worse than any Carrot Top show. Hmmm....could be a love match in the making.

Just plain rude

Brad decided to take Maddox to the Yankee game last night. Uh....my phone was on, Brad. Why didn't I get an invite?

Of course he sat in the seats right next to the Yankee dugout. Spike Lee was there with his son. That I could have done without. I'm sure his son is perfectly nice, but Spike bugs the crap out of me. Why so angry, Spike? You've got millions. Your movies are so-so. A friend of mine once saw Spike in a subway station while they were both on their way to a Knicks game. My friend said, "Hey, Spike" and Spike responded, "I'm not going to sign anything." OH MY GOSH, SHUT UP! He didn't want your autograph, you ass. Calm down and go watch your stank basketball team lose.

So annoying.

Anyway, Brad was dressed in white. Uh oh. It's after Labor Day, William. Put the head-to-toe white away. Tim Gunn would not be impressed.

I guess when Brad and I get married, he'll be the one in white. No, scratch that. White tuxedos are nasty. Washed out much? Not a good look.

We'll both just wear black.

Kate Walsh gets married in an ugly wedding dress

She has all that money, and she picks a fugly dress? Kate, really! No excuse for that.

And did I mention her husband isn't that cute? Because he isn't. He's a production executive at Fox, so hopefully he won't be stealing money from her while she sleeps. But still. There is something off about him....oh, and the fact that he popped the question after they dated for only 2 months makes me suspicious.

Yes, I know I'm cynical(and, yes, I assumed she was pregnant), but what is the rush? What if he kills people in his spare time, Kate? That could have taken 6 months of dating to figure out!

Well, anyway, it's a done deal and I do wish her the best. I don't like Addison, and I certainly won't be watching her spinoff, Private Practice, but I do like Kate. Very funny and doesn't take herself too seriously.

That special two-hour Grey's episode that served as a springboard for the spinoff? NIGHTMARE! It was so bad. Worse then General Hospital: Night Shift. Oh my gosh, that show is so bad, it's good!!! Like, Billy Dee Williams is obviously low on his Empire Strikes Back money if he's playing a janitor on Night Shift.

Wait. Where was I? Oh, right. Private Practice is going to be cancelled and Addie will be back at Seattle Grace before long.

Speaking of Seattle Grace, how should I read into the fact that Ellen Pompeo and Patrick Dempsey didn't attend Kate's wedding? How about THEY HATE HER AND WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT DEAD AT HER LAME CEREMONY IN OJAI, CA?

I kid! I bet Pat was in some NASCAR race and Ellen was stealing things with her fiance.

Congrats, Kate!

Jessica, he's all yours!

Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams are ending their three-year relationship. I blame it on the pixie-cut she got several months ago. It made her look like Mia Farrow circa Rosemary's Baby, and that is just plain scary! Give birth to a devil baby lately? YIKES!

There are conflicting reports as to whether or not the two married earlier this year, but does it really matter? No. Or yes. I don't know. Will they fight over Matilda? Will Matilda legally change her name to "Joey Potter" someday? Take that, Mom! I rarely watched Dawson's Creek, but even I know how annoying Jen was. Oh, Michelle.

"Sources" claim the two split up a few weeks ago and that it is completely amicable. BORING! I hate amicable splits. I want name-calling and defamation of character! I want Joshua Jackson and The Beek hauled into court as character witnesses. Maybe the woman that played Jen's grandmother. Definitely Joey's bitchy sister. I bet she hated Michelle.

I'd demand Katie, as well, but she's still trying to come up with an escape from Tom. She's got enough on her plate.

Oh my gosh, you guys!

Britney's new single just dropped! Or leaked! Or something!

Gag.

I couldn't get past the first 30 seconds. Sounds like over-produced poo to me. That's right. POO.

Put a fork in this mess. She's OVAH!

Oh, and take away her kids before their teeth fall out from all of that soda and red bull. Poor little things.

Angie does Iraq

Slut!

Oh, Angie, you make me look so boring and lazy. Thanks for that!

Ms. Jolie travelled to Syria and Iraq to meet with families that have been uprooted by the war and to visit with US soldiers. What did I do the last two days? Send out some Fed Ex packages, answer the phone, and watch the Yankees beat the Red Sox. Whew! I'm beat. Nap time!

I have to hand it to Ange. She's done a lot of work as Goodwill Ambassador for the UN. I don't like camping because of the bugs and lack of showers, and here she is travelling all over the world to bring the plight of others into our collective conscious. Makes me want to have a cupcake in her honor. Or some Ben & Jerry's. Is it time for lunch?

Of course, with Ange away, Brad is with the kids in NY. Brad, would a visit to Stamford, CT kill you? I have a cat which the kids can play with, and you and I can dish on Gwyneth. I have a lot of issues with her and I imagine you do as well. We'll save the deconstruction of Aniston for another time.

Call me!

The Teen Choice Awards are scary

Paris and Nicole hosted last year, didn't they? And the kids loved them. UGH. Shady award show to say the least. And shouldn't they have teen stars host? Or at least people who haven't tried heroin and flashed their cooches to photographers? I can't be the only person who hasn't done either, right? Fine, I'll host next year.

This year, Hilary Duff and Nick Cannon did the honors. Neither one of them are teens, but okay. Shouldn't they have had the scary kid from High School Musical 1 and 2 and his beard host? Well, they won a bunch of awards. Man, Zac uses a lot of self-tanner.

Those hos from The Hills were there, too. Well, not Heidi. LC and Audrina. Yes, I know their names without looking them up. My life is officially in the toilet. Flush me, I'm done.

Other people who are not teens were there, including Steve Carell. Oh, Steve! It was nice of him to show to keep the young demographic happy. I don't really know if teens are watching The Office. For those that do, I'm here to tell you two things: Jim Halpert does not exist. You will work in offices with unattractive people that complain about their spouses and how they will never make enough to retire. It's very depressing. Also, working in an office sucks harder then what they show you on t.v.

Other people won other dumb awards but I'm now too depressed to go on about it.

I'm going to Cali to commit my crimes

Drive drunk in Cali and you, too, can spend only minutes in jail.

Nicole Ritchie only served 82 minutes behind bars today for her DUI arrest from last December. What the? Wasn't she high on Vicodin, as well? Mmmmm.....wait. Does Vicodin make you high or sleepy? I think sleepy. I only had the generic one time and it made me feel like I was jumping out of my skin. Thanks, Doc!

Cali jails are overcrowded, and they only like Paris, anyway. I think they were also fearful that Lionel would show up and take requests for an impromptu cafeteria concert. "Dancing on the Ceiling" is a big hit with the inmates. So is making shivs and buying cigarettes.

It must be nice to have money. Lindsay is also getting off way too easy and that bitch had coke in her pockets! And she tried to blame her driving and coke possession on others. Such a sweet little addict.

Also infuriating? Nicole is 5'1" and only weighs 105 pounds!!! And she's pregnant!!! I haven't weighed 105 since....uh.....maybe before I went away to college. Remember eating salad and cookies for lunch and dinner? What? You didn't? Well, excuse me! Mmmm....those cookies were good. And they served pop tarts on the weekend! And I remember a bunch of my friends befriended one of the cafeteria workers and she would bring out sour cream for us so we could make our own nachos. Nothing fattening (or sad) about that. Hold me!

Oh, yeah. Nicole is one lucky twig. Eat something, for goodness sakes!

The Piv likes to scream at his mom in public

Why so angry, Jeremy?

The man who loves to take his mother to award shows(and wear an ascot in 90+ degree heat)was screaming at her at Nobu recently.

Did she say she liked John Cusack's last film, 1408? No need to get loud, Jeremy. She's entitled to her opinion. Or maybe she's just not that crazy about this season of Entourage? I've heard some complaints about this season from critics.

Easy, Piv! The woman gave birth to you AND probably helps you pick out your toupes. Let her speak her mind over a ridiculously-priced meal. It's her right!

I really think Jeremy needs to stop with the paranoia and reconcile with Cusack. I just don't see John being that jealous of Jeremy's success. I mean, sure, he won an Emmy for Entourage last year, BUT John is freakin' Lloyd Dobler!!! Come on! He put up with Diane and her lame-ass clothes. (I mean, who dressed her? Remember that dress she wore to the party? It didn't fit! And what was with that huge flower in her hair? Oh, Diane Court!).

What did The Piv play in Say Anything? A drunk guy named Mark. Did I even know his character had a name until I just looked him up on imdb? NO!

Also, just read that Kirk Cameron almost got the role of Lloyd. GAH!!!!!!!!! He was great as Mike Seaver, but please. Not even close.

SHUT UP, Gwyneth!

Although she hasn't been in the Hollywood spotlight in forever, Mrs. Chris Martin sure does love to bitch and moan about the paparazzi.

The Annoying One was in Chicago to promote some new Estee Lauder perfume(wow!) at Macy's, and (seethed with jealousy) complained about the presence of paps at her hotel because Brad, Ange, and the kids, were in town while Ange filmed her new movie. Retract those claws, Gwen.

Of course she just had to stay at that particular hotel. Mmmm hmmmm. Please. Stalker!

"When Brad and Angelina leave, won't they (paparazzi) go, too?"

Yes, they will. No one wants to hang out waiting for you to do something interesting. Even when she won an Oscar, she couldn't pretend to be anything more then the bore she is.

MEOW!

My initial hatred of Gwen was born from the fact that she dated Brad, BUT, all these years later, I just can't stand how phoney and pompous she is. Even without Brad, she makes me want to scream. Live in England full-time and shut yourself off from Hollywood. It doesn't need you.

I really need a cookie.

She said NO! NO! NO!

That little wino, Amy Winehouse, is out of rehab after only a week. The not-being-able-to-drink must have pushed her over the edge. Rehab is so boring without a little cocktail after dinner. Or before breakfast.

I think that husband of hers is shady. What does he do for a living? Mix her drinks? Buy her heroin from the young boy down the street from their flat? Is it Hugh Grant? He's not young, but he seems to be done with Hollywood and might need a new career. Didn't he recently throw something at paparazzi? I think it was soup in a baggie. Yeah, he's lost it.

The beauty of Amy busting out of rehab is that she went straight to a bar. It's love, folks! When you can't stand to be separated from booze and run to the nearest pub to grab a pint, it's good ole' fashioned head-over-heels love. So sweet.

If only she could run into a dentist while on her binge. Girlfriend needs new teeth.

The less fortunate will just have to wait

Paris has another album to record, so stop with your needy and your disadvantaged! Ugh!

Did anyone really believe this ho was going to change her ways? Really? Anybody? Kim Kardashian, maybe?

Well, so much for one day being annointed a saint. What a lavish ceremony it would have been. Dogs dressed in the finest couture, coke lines as far as the eye can see, and Hell freezing over while Armageddon tears the world apart. I would have worn something special from the Macy's sales rack.

Although, with Paris recording another album, is Armageddon really that out of the question? Maybe I'll pick up something nice at Target on the way home.

Lost in the mail

I'm sure that's what happened to my invite to Maddox Jolie-Pitt's sixth birthday party.

Or, maybe Aniston intercepted it! I wouldn't put it past her.

Brad and Angie had a bunch of kids over at their Santa Barbara pad this past weekend. Remember the soap opera Santa Barbara? I do. Robin Wright-Penn was in it, along with Marcy Walker and A. Martinez. Good soap couples on that show. Robin was with some hot guy named Jeffrey. I think he had an accent. Anyway, it was a good show. Although, I used to watch Alf, so what do I know?

Santa Barbara is also where Vaughn wanted to take Sydney for the weekend, but then she got into an intense throw down with Evil!Francie and ended up losing 2 years of her life as an assassin for The Covenant. Oh, Vaughn. You should have just called me instead of marrying Melissa George.

Wait. Uh, where was I? Maddox....right! So, some kids came over and bounced around high on sugar and played Army. I thought Mama and Papa Bear were anti-war. Hmmm......I think this should be investigated. Were members of the NRA invited? I'll be pissed if they shared cake with the Jolie-Pitts and I didn't.

Michelle Pfieffer totally deserved one before Britney

I can't believe Michelle didn't have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame until now. Who do I complain to? I mean, Britney and Puffy had one before this woman? BS! The woman was in Grease 2 for crying out loud!!

Well, Michelle looked stunning in a strapless dress and flowing locks. Hope she didn't bend over too much during photos. The woman is almost fifty and looks better then I did in my 20s. Oh my gosh, that isn't saying much because I wore some really ridiculous outfits. I think I still do. Oh, whatever. I'll hire a stylist to dress me when I finally receive my star. Clear your calendars for 2050!

As I was perusing photos from the ceremony, I came across an adorable one of Michelle with her The Fabulous Baker Boys co-star, Jeff Bridges. Was Beau Bridges there? Too busy? Michelle and Jeff were smokin' hot together in that movie. He was a real prick and she was full of sass. Loved it. Who can forget the scene of her singing on the piano while he played? Me!

The first time I saw this movie was on tv, with some friends, the summer before my senior year. Well, one friend thought it was her right as an actress/singer/relative of a famous political family to sing along with Michelle during the piano scene. Totally ruined it. Years later I watched the movie again and realized how hot Jeff Bridges was during that scene. While you are telling your friend to "Shut the f*** up!" you miss out on those things. Sorry, Jeff!

Anyway, Paul Rudd attended the ceremony as well. Have I mentioned lately that I love Paul Rudd? I do. A lot. He's so funny. And has gotten better looking as he gets older. I hate people like that. Paul did a movie with Michelle entitled I Could Never Be Your Woman, which comes out this November. I'll be there with Sno Caps.

Ryan or Jake: Who will Reese choose?

No, this is not a Friday cliffhanger on Passions. If it was, there would be bad special effects, a little person, and some type of witchcraft involved. That show is creepy!

Several reports have Ryan and Reese eating at their favorite restaurant and jogging together around the Brentwood Country Club. Elitists! Besides, who wants to work out with someone they love? I don't. I would not want my boyfriend meeting me at the gym because I sweat a lot and like to secretly judge others. Who has time for conversation?

Other reports have her getting back with Jake G. Were they ever really together? I have my suspicions. I know they did a movie together right around the time her split with Ryan was announced, so I think the media just tried to make something out of nothing. I mean, neither one called me to confirm, and I'm usually the first person the celebs call right after their Psychic Friends. I'm Number 2 on speed dial right after Miss Cleo. Jealous?

Oh, Reese. I wish I had some advice. The only men I know who may be fighting over me are in my head and they won't call to confirm. Why so coy, boys? Fight it out in a cage match! That's a true test of love.

Stealing is the new black

I want in on this!

Louis Vuitton sent over some samples for Lindsay's Elle shoot. Well, Linds must have needed a fix, because she started shoving the samples into her bag! Coke does not come cheap, and Lindsay looks like the type to barter with her dealer. Especially if the stories about her staging paparazzi shots in exchange for cash are true. That Mean Girls money must be long gone.....up her nose!

A stylist's assistant took back most of the items, but Lindsay still managed to walk away with a few things. Louis was not having it, and this incident lead to Lindsay being dropped from consideration as the new face of Vuitton. I'm sure the coke bloat didn't help either.

Could you imagine what would happen if Brit and Lindsay did a photoshoot together? I'm thinking of starting a magazine entitled "The Addict" and letting these two wackos fight over clothes from Target. Maybe I'll even throw in a few wigs from The Dollar Store.

I doubt even Annie Leibovitz could make it work.

Science 101: Skeletons can get pregnant

Huh.

So, Nicole Ritchie is pregnant. People had been speculating for months, and she finally confirmed to Diane Sawyer that she is four months along.

(Yes, I know this is old news, but I've been watching Shark Week on Discovery and it's been very distracting(as well as terrifying and nightmare-inducing)).

Remember when Diane Sawyer had actual cred? Like, people respected her as a journalist and her husband, Mike Nichols, wanted to be seen in public with her? Think waaaaaayyyyy back. Pre-Michael and Lisa Marie. I guess it has been a really long time. Oh, Diane.

Anyway, are Hollywood people afraid of The Pill? Ever heard of condoms? Did you know they released a new version of the Today Sponge? I doubt Nicole would have been able to figure out how to use it, but at least it would have given her something to do other than have sex with nasty-ass Joel Madden. Ew. He's just....a douche with no talent? Yeah, I know. He'll make a great dad, I'm sure. Ain't love grand?

So Nicole has to spend 4 days in prison because California has some whack jobs parading as judges. What is the point? Couldn't he have demanded she sign papers promising that she will eat and gain weight for the baby's sake, instead? Seriously, I don't know how the woman stands up. She's frail! How will she carry a baby and nourish it for the next 4-5 months? It scares me to think about it.....like it scares me to think about people voluntary getting into water inhabited by sharks.

Crack-smokers, all of you!!

Where do cancer sticks double as lollipops?

In Brit's house!

Who's house? Brit's house!

What the hell am I doing? Oh, yeah. So, Life & Style is reporting that Mother of the Year, Britney Spears, asks her sons to find "mommy's lollipops" when she misplaces her smokes. Wonder what special name she has for her coke. "Boys, go find mommy's fairy dust." Yeah, that'll work.

No wonder these poor kids always look so tired.

Of course, it could also be due to their piss poor diet. Brit supposedly fills their bottles with soda and lets them eat Doritos all the time. Mmmm....remember when Cool Ranch Doritos came out? God only knows what pesticides and spices were sprinkled on each chip, but those things were good.

Right. So, the kids. Man, they have it rough. I wonder if they take care of the dog. I bet they do. You know they've learned how to clean mama's puke out of the rug. Oh, the stories they will tell from behind bars someday. They'll be the most popular kids on the block. Thanks, I'll be here all week!

If only they could learn to tie Brit's nasty weaves together and climb out a window. Good luck, boys!

Star Jones admits to gastric bypass surgery. I admit to loving ice cream.

Is anyone surprised by this?

Did she really think anyone bought that Pilates helped her lose all of the weight? Please. I do Pilates once every six months and it hasn't helped me lose a pound. Should I be doing it more often, or quitting my job to launch a full-scale investigation behind the scam that is Pilates? Hmmm......

What is even more hilarious than the Pilates lie is the lie that her husband is straight. Oh, Star! Maybe she goes by the ole' George Costanza mantra that "It isn't a lie if YOU believe it." The repulsion on Big Gay Al's face everytime they are photographed together isn't going to get this little firecracker down!

Deny, deny, deny.

You can read Star's confession in the August issue of Glamour magazine. You know Kathy Griffin will be having a good laugh over it.

Naomi doesn't burden world with strangely-named child

Naomi Watts dropped the massive child she was carrying around for the past year and named him Alexander. Phew! No Apple, Moses, Pilot Inspektor, Brooklyn, Door Stop, Bookcase, Shelf, or Subway Token for she and Liev, thank you.

Honestly, she seemed to be pregnant forever. And that belly was huge. Bigger than mine! I bet it knocked some poor, unsuspecting people out. Short people. Whatever! We count!

The verdict is still out on Liev. I mean, he was great on Broadway in Talk Radio, BUT he dated Neve Campbell when they made Scream. That means he loses points. Julia was the most annoying character on Party of Five. Pre-JLH, of course. She was always whining to her hot boyfriends about how hard her life was. Poor Justin. He deserved better. As did Griffin(who always needed a haircut).

Owen was bad, too, but he was just a kid and he had to be raised by a bunch of self-involved twits, so I really couldn't blame him(except when he went through his I'll-only-eat-white-food-phase). SHUT UP, OWEN! Claudia was whiny, come to think of it. And I didn't always like Kirsten. Charlie was hot, though. Bailey was cute, but always looked so young. Why did I watch this show? Right. Charlie was hot. Love you, Matthew Fox!

Uh....oh, yeah. Congrats to Naomi and Liev!

Maddie won't stand for haters

Maddie is so powerful, she can get people fired from movie sets for talking trash about one of her kids. YIKES!

On the set of Guy's latest project, RocknRolla, Her Madgesty overheard two crew members talking about her brood. One asked the name of her son, to which the other replied "Lucky Bastard." Put away the Haterade, crew member! Not sure if he was talking about Rocco or David, but it would fit either one. What? I love kids.

Needless to say, the dude was fired and order was restored on set.

How dumb can you be? Keep the snark to yourself when on a set with the kid's parents. Wait until you are sitting around drowning your sorrows with a pint and lamenting about how annoying that Lucky Bastard's parents are. I mean, those are the rules of snark and they are unflinchingly rigid.

The real point of this story is that Maddie was on the set of Guy's movie. Uh-oh. Does this mean a "comeback?" Stick to dropping beats with Justin. That is annoying enough.

I love coke and couture!

Of course the coke in your pocket wasn't your coke, Linds! I hold drugs for my friends all the time. Sometimes they are wearing pants without pockets, or dresses without pockets...OR IT'S MY COKE AND I LIKE THE FEEL OF IT IN MY POCKET. IT'S LIKE A SECURITY BLANKET WHEN I AM DONE DRINKING AND NEED SOMETHING UP MY NOSE.

Oh my gravy, as Rachael Ray says. (Does that bug anyone else?)

I liked Lindsay when she was young and innocent and even when she started to slut it up in Mean Girls. I let it slide because she had a few back-to-back hits and people were speculating her breasts were fake and I felt a little sorry for her because fame was coming at her fast. And her parents were complete fools who wanted the fame and money and didn't really care about their daughter, the new Family Cash Cow.

But enough is enough. The girl needs help. And I don't care that she's 21 years old. She's a girl. A girl with addiction problems and no one to help her.

And don't get me started on how she, like Nic Kidman, can't pull off being blonde because they are TOO PALE! What? Yes, that is a part of the problem.

Just like bad weaves and no manners are Brit's problem. I can't wait for OK! Magazine's exclusive look at the meltdown of the woman that thinks gas station bathroom floors are sanitary and beating up a car with an umbrella is no joke. Oh, Brit! Ya little bumpkin!

I don't know which cracks me up more....that she wiped her greasy hands on a couture dress(after eating fried chicken at a photoshoot), or that she used a couture dress to wipe up her dog's poop. Hmmmm......too close to call, I guess! I'm sure the stains of cheetos and red bull weren't far behind.

And now Kevin wants to sue for full custody and I want to sue them both for procreating when they clearly are too stupid to walk and chew gum at the same time. Those poor kids.

I still think if Angie is so into saving the world, she should start with those two kids! C'mon Ang!

Or, Brad and I can just raise them on Lost island. What a storybook ending.

Posh and Becks are finally here.

Did you feel the shift in the Universe? Did you feel tingly for no apparent reason? Sick to your stomach? Angry? Lethargic? Giddy?

Blame it on Vic and David. They are now in the US and controlling your every move. They are just that powerful.

Look, David Beckham is hot. Almost obscenely so. I get the hero worship he experienced in London. He was like royalty.

Then there is Posh. She was seen as the Glamorous Spice Girl that you know secretly despised the other's lack of fashion sense. She scowled and lip synched while secretly cursing Geri's over-the-top outfits and Mel B.'s wild hair. And you know she wanted to smack Emma upside the head on more then one occasion, while clearly hoping Mel C. would do it for her.

Now they have arrived in the US and are going to take over....what, exactly? Soccer will never be as popular here as it is in other countries. I mean, I'd like to count Dave's tattoos as much as the next woman or gay man, but I'm not going to spend money to see him play. I just don't care. Don't those games last forever? I think that would cut into my tv watching.

So, that leaves us with having to watch the paparazzi follow their every move while they shop, hang with Tom and Joey Potter, and prepare for World Domination. Throw in the Spice Girls reunion and you have the Perfect Storm for media saturation. And that will just annoy me and make me hate them and refuse to watch Bend it Like Beckham ever again.

That will show them!

Donna Martin is all grown up and marrying people off

Oh, Tori!

In addition to horrible actress and homewrecker, Tori Spelling can now add "Reverend" to her resume. The new mom was ordained online and married a same-sex couple at her bed and breakfast this past weekend. Congrats to Tony and Dex.

Apparently, one of the grooms performed a song and dance that was "show stopping." Martinis were named after the happy couple's favorite Broadway shows and served to guests at the reception. The gays know how to throw a party.

If I ever get married, I want to have martinis named after all of my fake tv and movie boyfriends. That will show my new husband that although I love him, I love my fake boyfriends even more and am really just settling. And that's what marriage is all about, right?

And, no, I will not have Tori performing the ceremony. I'm holding out for Doherty.

So much to talk about!

It's been forever since I've written, and I know the few people that read this have turned to booze and pills to cope. Put down the martini and lay off the Vicodin, everyone! Or, don't. Whatever.

So much has happened in the past few months. Let's recap:

Paris went to jail. Left jail. Went back to jail. Left jail. Strutted past the paparazzi en route to her idiot mother and went home to chase her dog around the yard. Wow. She is now taking acting and singing lessons. Time to move to Canada!

Amy Winehouse and Lily Allen came to the US and drank themselves silly. Occasionally they promoted their albums. Oh, girls! Put down the cocktails and stop pissing off your fans by cancelling shows at the last minute. And, Lily, you are not fat. People who say that you are have self-esteem issues and like to take it out on other people. That's probably why I'm such a hater! Amy, wash out your beehive and keep yourself out of rehab until after I come to LA in September.

Lindsay went to rehab! Britney went to rehab! I contemplated going because these rehab centers looked like spas and I've never been to a spa!

Brit attacked a car with an umbrella after shaving off her hair. Seemed logical. She now spends her days wearing hideous outfits and bad weaves. And I bet if you asked her how her children are, she wouldn't remember having any. It's all that red bull and cheetos. They screw with your mind! Life is hard, y'all!

Rosie left The View. My mother is still mourning.

Alec Baldwin left a heart-warming message on his daughter's phone. That's what family is all about. He guaranteed that Ireland will either strip or become an addict. Of course, who's to say she can't do both?

In tv news, 24 ended an awful season, Ted and Robin broke up and Lilly and Marshall married on How I Met Your Mother, things happened on Grey's Anatomy(but I was too pissed off to care), Charlie died and Jack and Kate met up after being rescued from the island on Lost(and what was up with the poor lighting and layers of makeup on Evie during that scene? Who did she piss off in the makeup department to look like a clown?). AND, the most important event of the 2006-20007 tv season was that Jim finally asked Pam out on The Office(suck on that, Karen! May you, and your ill-fitting clothes, find happiness on FOX).

Movies? Well, Knocked Up was released and one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. No, seriously. It was really funny. Izzie Stevens didn't annoy me! I was shocked. Seth Rogen was great and Paul Rudd proved, once again, how fantastic he is. Call me, Paul! I mean, uh, good job!

Most recently, I saw License to Wed. Is it the worst film ever made? No. But, it's not great. John Krasinski is the only reason to see it. And now my mother is a fan. The line forms behind me, Mom!

I know I'm leaving things out, but my memory isn't what it used to be. Pass the red bull.

Someone needs a "Who's the Boss" reunion STAT!

Alyssa Milano is doing commercials for VEET hair remover.

Oh my.

Obviously, that Charmed money did not get invested wisely. Maybe Tony Danza can throw her a few bucks. I think he's doing The Producers. And I just saw Judith Light on Law & Order: SVU last week. Where's Mona? Or the kid that came out after the show ended?

I hope I'm not going to have to organize a telethon myself. That is so something Danza should do.

Just Like Hell

The Cure are dead to me.

Robert Smith is going to do a duet with Ashlee Simpson on her upcoming album. I grab the nearest sharp object and jam it into my eye.

This is straight up b.s.

The Cure were a big deal to me when I was in high school. They were moody and strange and completely cool. Robert wore eyeliner and had crazy hair and was more pale then I was.

Now, they suck(yes, I include the entire band in my hatred of Robert's decision). Sorry, guys!

I bet Papa Joe had something to do with this. Can't he leave well enough alone? Gah.

Oh, Alanis

She's gone and covered "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. It's slow and haunting and ridiculous because of those silly lyrics.

Kudos, Alanis. Breaking up with Ryan Reynolds caused you to gain a sense of humor.

The video is very funny. The bangs she's sporting are just as scary as Fergie's.

Ms. Alanis has certainly come a long way since You Can't do That on Television. Although, honestly, she'll never be as big as Robin Sparkles.

Office marathon

I love NBC. For this week.

They are giving the world 5 episodes of The Office this week. Why? Because the show hasn't been new in FOREVER and Kevin Reilly and Greg Daniels are tired of getting my angry letters and emails. Well, excuse me gentlemen!

This show is so great when Karen isn't in it. That is the real lesson of the marathon. Sadly, she is in the last one, but I refuse to watch it. So there.

Just saw the trailer for Evan Almighty. Ummmm......I'm not feeling it. I still love you, Steve!

Gwen, please

What is Gwen Stefani doing on American Idol?????? Girl, don't even.

Gwen has been mentoring the kids this week, and will perform with Akon on tonight's results show. I think it's the results show. Oh, who gives a crap? It's on practically every night of the week. Maybe someone will be voted off, maybe not.

Ryan and Paula will still be there, and that is a real tragedy.

Anyway, Gwen has disappointed me. She's better then this. Or, she's not, and all the hatred I had when she stole Gavin from me was warranted. Feel my rage, Stefani!

It wasn't meant to be

I was in Vegas this past weekend, and so was K-Fed. Huh??? How did we not cross paths? I'm pissed. Actually, I'm more pissed because I missed meeting Shar Jackson. I've got some questions for her....like, "did you know Brandy was a bad driver when you worked on Moesha with her, and WTF did you see in Kevin?"

Katie Couric has nothing on my interview skills. Obviously.

Cam is as nasty as I imagined

I always thought Cameron Diaz looked dirty. Now I have proof that she is. I want a prize. Something chocolate and something redeemable for cash will do. Make that 2 prizes.

Cam was recently quoted as saying that she wears an outfit for four days and then never wears it again. And she means four days in a row. Great googly moogly. Girl is crazy!

Oh, but don't worry. She does say she changes her underwear. How often, no one knows? Left that part out, didn't you Cammie? Yowza. And ew.

I bet she smells like one big cloud of pot and b.o. And yet she still gets guys. Go figure.

A few things

There is a lot going on, so let's get right to it:

Uma Thurman may be remarrying. I want to care, but apparently she and Ethan are on good terms and he will be attending the wedding. So now I'm just bored.

Tori Spelling gave birth to a baby boy: Liam Aaron. Congrats. With the size Tori was, I expected her child to be at least 12 pounds. He wasn't. Oh, and her husband still looks shady. And greasy.

Britney is drinking a lot of soda while in rehab. I think it's funny that this information was leaked. Even more funny? I'm amused by it. At least she seems to be off the Red Bull. That is really what caused her to jump into a few different rehabs. Well, that and the alcohol and drugs.

Angie adopted again! She's the best. The best bitch! She stole my man. In all seriousness, I think it's wonderful that she adopted another child. I just hope Shiloh doesn't get a complex as the "one of these things is not like the others." Brad, take extra care of her.

Finally, March Madness is here! And by that, I mean I'm still going crazy over most of my shows in reruns.

Rachel looking for work at Central Perk

Wednesday is a great time to rhyme.

Oh my gosh! I'm on fire.

Ahem.

So, Jennifer Aniston may be moving to New York city so she can "start over" and "meet men."

Ummmmm......bitch, please. The starting over part I can understand. But, how hard is it for her to meet men? She's attractive(I guess), she's got tons of cash, and....ummmm.....well, she does have nice hair and cash. Oh, and she starred in Leprechaun. Although, honestly, Warwick Davis owned that movie and she had her old nose back then. And wore jean shorts with a leather jacket if I remember correctly, so maybe that's not something to brag about.

Wow. March reruns make me cranky and I'm taking it out on a woman who shares my name. Well, guess what? TOO BAD.

She has the luxury of wanting to move to New York and affording something beautiful and luxurious and ridiculously overpriced. If I wanted to move to New York, I'd end up having to move in with at least 3 other people for a room no bigger then a closet and have the smell of urine greet me in the lobby everyday.(Too overdramatic?)

Good luck, Jen. And don't even think about dating a Yankee.

He goes from bad to worse

Nasty.

Jude Law spent some time with La Lohan at "The Box" in NY recently. I think it's a club. Or bar. Or some place with lazy owners that couldn't be bothered to come up with a real name.

Jude, you are slummin'. What happened to the Jude I knew and loved? The one that would grace a magazine cover and cause me to debate whether I could afford to buy that magazine and do my laundry. And buy a pint of Ben and Jerry's. I want my money back, Jude! Especially for the Vanity Fair and Details, because they are a rip-off!

It was bad enough when you were hanging with Sienna, and screwing your nanny, but THIS? Firecrotch? Really????

Is recently-out-of-rehab the new, trendy way to meet men? I'm still stuck on thinking online dating is wonky. I guess I should start buying crack.

I'll let the braids slide

Because she's Keri Russell, and she's pregnant, and she's Felicty Porter. Hey!

Sadly, she looks to be in better shape then me. And I'm fine with that. Really.

*sobs*

Ben, hold me.

Izzie better get over herself

Katherine Heigl is pissed and everyone is going to know about it!

She isn't getting as much money as her co-stars on Grey's Anatomy. Well, I guess I would be pissed too.

Too bad they can't get paid by how annoying their character is. She'd be the richest person, EVER. She could buy and sell Bill Gates 100 times over. My gosh, Izzie sucks.

Touchstone released a statement which pretty much says that they own her for six seasons, and if she thinks about taking this to court they'll stick Jackie Chiles on her ass. Now that I would pay to see.

Katie released a statement of her own saying that Touchstone can suck it and that like the Queen of Soul, she too wants some R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

I hope she saved well during her Roswell days, because I can't see her creepy fiance, Josh Kelley, paying for her legal bills. I can see a trip to get his brows waxed before they get married, though.

If I didn't know any better, I would wonder if this sudden hissy over money wasn't to drum up some publicity for her movie Knocked Up. However, I do know better. The movie doesn't come out until June 1st.

Best of luck to you, Katie! And by that I mean let Izzie die in a May sweeps episode when the ghost of Denny gets bored and decides to take out her heart. That'll show her!

AA makes me happy

Nothing says "I'm ready for some help" like a wig and a belly-exposing sweater.

Oh, and don't forget the snazzy boots!

Frisco Jones and Richie's ex

Oh my gravy!

Yes, that is the dumbest thing I've ever said and I blame Rachael Ray because she says it all the time. And it's just so annoying that I had to share. I really can't stand her.

Anyway, this is big news. Jack Wagner and Heather Locklear went to the Dreamworks Night Before party on Saturday. Together. The former Melrose Place co-stars showed up holding hands. In public.

Now, I used to have a huge crush on Jack Wagner when he was Frisco Jones on General Hospital. In retrospect, it isn't one of my better crushes. He sported some seriously weird hair and his clothes were always way too bright, but he sang cheesy love songs and fell in love with Felicia, and since Luke and Laura were off the show I was desperate for a new "It" couple. Don't judge me!

Since leaving GH, he's hopped on to another soap....I want to say a CBS soap. Yeah, that sounds right. Not sure if he's still on, because I don't watch CBS soaps. They always seemed so low-budget to me. And this is coming from someone who watched Marlena become possessed by the devil on Days of Our Lives. Who am I to judge? Well, ME. That's who!

Jack and his GH co-star, Kristina Wagner, ended up getting married. Then she had a nervous breakdown and had to leave the show. Or she left the show before they got married. I'm fuzzy on the details, but I think he cheated on her and she left to freak out for a while. Wagner had some kind of power back then. I probably would have freaked out too. He sang "All I Need" for goodness sakes! And I believe I owned the 45 of that song because I was just that lame.

So, here he is canoodling with Heather at this big party and I come to find out he and Kristina filed for divorce in 2005. Well, in my mind, Frisco and Felicia are still together and he's still a detective(or maybe a police officer)and she's still annoying and talks in a weird little girl/druggie voice. It's the only way I can go on!

I wonder what David Spade thinks about this exciting turn of events.

But it felt more like 4 years

Wow. The Oscar's were longgggggggg. Too long. Please cut out those horrible awards that no one cares about.

I know that's a terrible thing to say but I can't help it! I know the sound people and costume people work just as hard(probably more so, let's be honest)as the actors, but can't those awards be given out the night before? I know. I'm selfish. I want the show over in 2 hours like the SAGs.

*My gosh, 24 was boring tonight*

Anywho, I am so thrilled that Alan Arkin won for Little Miss Sunshine. Well-deserved, Arkin! I know everyone thought Eddie Murphy was going to win(including Eddie), but I'm sure he'll get another chance with Daddy Daycare 2. Can't wait!

Congrats to Helen, Jennifer, and Forest. I am still charmed by Forest weeks after his hosting duty on SNL. Who knew he could sing? I didn't. Seems like a genuine person that enjoys what he does. I'm neither of those things, so it's impressive to see someone who is.

Congrats to little Marty Scorcese. Good for you, Marty! Those eyebrows are really thick, aren't they? Hilarious. Did you see Mark Wahlberg(who looked GREAT)whistling like a fiend when Marty went on stage? So classy.

You know who else looked great? George Clooney. I'm not a huge fan of the slick hair, but he seriously just gets better-looking with age.

Hands down, the Best Dressed Woman of the night was Reese Witherspoon. She looked fierce. Like, "kiss my ass and have fun with your skank, Ryan" fierce. The dress worked. The hair worked. It all worked. I've never felt that I've had one of those moments, so I don't know what that feels like. I remember liking my Garanimals back in the day, and since all you had to do was match the animal tags, it was pretty fool-proof. Maybe that was my fashion moment and I didn't even realize it! Crap.

Ellen did a fine job. I mean, the opening documentary of a good number of nominees wasn't as exciting as a Billy Crystal opening number, but whatevs. Ellen said it was a dream come true for her, and she should be proud. Nothing edgy and there was no picking on anyone(damn), but she made people laugh.

Speaking of making people laugh, Gwyneth Paltrow should get her own sitcom. Once again she proved what a bitch she is and it always makes me howl. I don't have to do any work, Paltrow. Your bitch face does it all for me. Thanks!

Worst Dressed of the night? Oy. Well, I didn't like the following: Anne Hathaway, J.Lo, Penelope Cruz, Nicole Kidman, Gweneth, and Kelly Preston. Meryl didn't look great, either, but I love her and am always willing to give her a pass. SUE ME.

Oh, and no Rachel McAdams with Ryan Gosling. He apparently told People Magazine that she was working, but I like to believe they split up. At least that's what I'll tell anyone who asks. And I really don't know who would, so, YOU'VE heard it here first.

I feel so independent!

Loved the Independent Spirit Awards this year.

Love her or hate her, Sarah Silverman hosted for the 2nd straight year and I thought she did a great job. She's a raunchy, pasty little girl.

Congrats to Ryan Gosling for winning Best Actor. He knows he isn't going to win tomorrow night at the Oscar's, even joking that he has a lot of money riding on Forrest Whitaker. Don't we all, Gosling. Don't we all. Oh, and Rachel McAdams was not there with him. Hmmm.....do I smell a break up? We'll see if they walk the red carpet together tomorrow evening.

A big congrats, as well, to Alan Arkin, screenwriter Michael Arndt and husband and wife team Johnathan Dayton and Valerie Faris for winning Best Supporting Actor, Best First Screenplay, and Best Director for Little Miss Sunshine. The film also took home the Best Picture award. Suck on that!

Kudos to Minnie Driver for singing one of the parody songs for one of the best picture nominees. Those are always fun, and I wish they would do the same at the Oscar's. That show needs a good parody after the opening monologue. Maybe it would help me to not fall asleep waiting for the good awards to be announced.

Oh, and this year's "How the f*** was that person invited to the ceremony but I wasn't" award goes to Taylor Dayne. She was popular 20 years ago! They may as well have invited Stacey Q to sing one of the parodies.

Snorting coke, SNL-style

Brit is still in rehab, so I'm moving on to a blind item about an SNL star that likes to snort coke at the after parties.

Hmmm.........

Well, I refuse to believe it's Amy Poehler. She's thin, but she's too cool for coke. And too naturally funny. I mean, I don't know her personally, but I like to think she is as funny in real life as she is on the show. I read a print interview with her and she was hilarious. That counts! And she's married to Gob Bluth. I mean, that proves it! Proves what, you ask? I have no idea.

Little Amy story: when my sister and I were on our way to see Ms. Keri Russell in the off-Broadway play Fat Pig, I thought I saw Amy on a street corner talking on her cell. So I turn to my sister and say, "That's Amy Poehler!" My sister was like, "Um, we're doing 70+ in this cab, how could you tell?" Well, I know. It was her. Maybe.

Daryl Hammond? Nah.

Keenan? No way. Doesn't coke make you really thin?

I don't think it's Maya. Granted, she did have a nasty case of bed bug infestation in her new apartment last year. That would send me to drugs. And booze. And I think I would cry for hours on end. I once thought I had bed bugs in my apartment. I was consumed with cleaning and almost bought a new mattress. Instead, I just hired an exterminator. Cheaper!

Maybe it's Andy Samberg. He did come up with "Laser Cats" and "Lazy Sunday."

Tune in to see her leg fly off!

Heather Mills is one of 11 celebrities on the new season of Dancing with the Stars. But she's the only one with a fake leg. Special!

The soon-to-be ex of Sir Paul will strut her stuff on the 3rd season, which premieres on Monday, March 19th. Mark those calendars and swing those prosthetics!

Along with Heather, you'll see Billy Ray Cyrus, Ian Ziering, Laila Ali, Vincent Pastore, Apollo Ohno, Paulina Porizkova, Clyde Drexler, Joey Fatone, 2004 Miss USA, Shandi Finnessey, and Leeza Gibbons. Beyond D-List all the way!

Other then the possibility of Heather's leg flying off and hitting Samantha Harris in the head(please let this happen!!!!), the other big story will be whether or not two-time winner Cheryl Burke will be able to take Steve Sanders from the halls of Beverly Hills High and make him a dancer. She has her work cut out for her.

I mean, he's no David Silver.

Carol Channing in rehab

Or Ms. Spears. But that Dollar Store wig she threw on her big bald head the other day reminded me of Carol. Sorry Carol.

Apparently, Brit's dad convinced her to check into Promises. Uh-oh. That place looks like a resort to me. Granted, I don't vacation much, but Malibu is quite lovely and I'm sure the inside is much more swank then the Comfort Inn in PA or the Marriott Hotel in Stamford, CT. Just a hunch.

I do wish Brit the best because she has two children to care for and a comeback album to record. She's got a full plate, and she shouldn't be wasting time puking in limos and shaving off her extensions. Isn't that what she did? I didn't think her real hair was that long.

And that I think about the length of Britney's hair proves that this has been a horrible February sweeps! You hear me, Greg Daniels?!?!

Acute case of the crazies

Oh, Brit.

The little cheese doodle done shaved her head.

Justin, it's time to take your dick out of the box and help your ex. She's two Red Bulls away from throwing herself off the nearest ledge, y'all.

Even though one of my brothers thinks she's just getting ready for her role in the next Aliens sequel, I think it's time that someone steps in and takes her kids away from her. Scare the girl straight and help her pick out a nice wig. Enough is enough.

Remember the good ole' days when it seemed the worst decision she made was opening NYLA? That seems so long ago.

Felicity's child will not be a bastard

And that's because Ms. Keri Russell got married yesterday.

Kind of gross to do it on Valentine's Day, but whatevs. I love Keri and I love Felicity and anyone who said the show sucked or that she looked ridiculous with short hair or believed those asinine stories about the ratings dropping because she cut her hair can SUCK IT.

So, yeah, Keri will give birth this summer and I'm sure the child will be stunning. I hope it's a girl so she can have her mother's glorious locks. I imagine if she has a boy his hair will be like James Tupper's(the incredibly good-looking guy that left his wife for Anne Heche). So, bottom line is that Keri Russell's child will be gorgeous.

Now, if she had a child with Scott Speedman, it would be the MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY IN THE WORLD. EVER. Yes, even more beautiful then Shiloh.

And all this talk of beautiful people and their beautiful babies is depressing me. Time to read about Jon Bon Jovi hating on Denise Richards. Because, really, can you blame him?

Grammy wrap-up

I hate Mondays.

Now, on to the Grammy's!

So, I missed The Police opening the show. I thought they would save them for later. I was wrong. Heard their version of "Roxanne" on the way home tonight. It sounded good, but Sting obviously can't hit the high notes anymore. I blame Trudy.

The Dixie Chicks won all 5 awards they were nominated for, and it was quite clear they were surprised the most by their Best Country Album win. You know Natalie Maines was one sip of beer away from screaming "Suck on that, Country Music Association! And I still hate you, Prez!" Congrats, Chicks. And Natalie, I'm loving the new hair color.

Justin Timberlake did this really annoying thing with a hand-held video camera during one of his performances. Look, I don't like when Bono gets up in the camera during a concert, so I'm certainly not going to put up with Justin doing it. And how interesting that Ms. Scarlett Johansson was in the audience last night. When I think music awards, I don't think ScarJo. Still denying that she's seen Justin's penis. She has.

Mary J. Blige brought down the house and picked up a few trophies as well. Congrats, Mary. And she was definitely one of the best dressed of the night.

Carrie Underwood also looked very good. She was pretending she was hosting the Oscar's and changed her outfit a few different times. I really liked her version of "Desperado." And congrats for winning Best New Artist.

You know who didn't look good? John Mayer. I know this is a sign of age, but it bugs the crap out of me when guys wear suits with sneakers. Just stop. You look like a douche. Even Duckie wore buckle shoes to the prom in Pretty in Pink. Get it together, Mayer. And cut your hair.

Best Dressed Male is going to Ludacris. Loved those sunglasses! I also liked what Seal wore, but then I saw his shoes. He admitted that Heidi did not help him dress(because she was in Germany), and it showed. She, and Tim Gunn, would not have let him walk out of the house with them on. Nice leather jacket, though.

And I would just like to thank Shakira for having the nerve to wear her hair all frizzy and natural. I'm with you, Shakira! Sadly, though, I don't have a good singing voice or any skill that keeps people from looking at me and just thinking that I'm too lazy to put some product in my hair. I can't help it! Gel makes me break out. So there!

RIP, Anna

This story is too much for even my cynical nature.

I just hope her little girl is well taken care of....and not by creepy Howard K.

Jessica doesn't mind Lindsay's leftovers

Not men. Movie roles.

Jessica Biel has landed La Lohan's one-time role in A Woman of No Importance. Good for you, Mary Camden!

See, Linds, this is what happens when you drink too much and snort one too many white lines. You see the inside of a "rehab center," while Derek Jeter's ex gets some bank and a movie role.

Jessica is coming off of a short-lived tryst with one Mr. Justin Timberlake, so I'm sure she's anxious to throw herself into work instead of calling Stephen Collins and asking him to pray that Justin's penis breaks off. Can I get an "Amen" Rev. Camden?

Meanwhile, Lindsay continues to party and look beat. Great job, Wonderland!

Lighting up with Keanu

You know that's what Jennifer Aniston did when she invited Keanu Reeves to her place. Then she proceeded to bitch and moan about Brangelina, scarf a bag of Lay's Sour Cream and Onion, and prank call Gwyneth. Poor Keanu never stood a chance.

Look, I'm all for celebrity hookups. Joining two names together wastes roughly 5 seconds of my work day, and it beats making copies. Kennifer, perhaps? Or maybe Raniston? Eh. Not that great.

Jen, honey, what the hell? I could see if this was back during the Speed days. Keanu was all kinds of buff and looked like he bathed on a regular basis. He reinvented a basic white tee as far as I'm concerned.

But, let's face facts: he looks gross now and his movie career is as bad as yours. Brad will not be envious of this. Unless, of course, he is a huge Bill and Ted fan, which I can totally see. But at the most, all he would want is an autographed dvd and a lesson in playing air guitar.

Oh, I'm bored with this already.

She hates everything he says, he does

Yes, I've had Ms. Carey's song, "Heartbreaker," in my head all day after hearing it on the radio last night. Stop haunting me, Mariah!

So, she's on the cover of Playboy. She doesn't go nude, but all you have to do is google photos of her at any benefit or award show and you pretty much see everything anyway. Girl hates to wear clothes that fit or cover up her fake breasts and her bajingo! Trashy.

In an interview, Mimi talks about how she thinks Eminem is obsessed with her and she can't understand why. And, no, she did not sleep with him. What? Why are you still talking about Eminem? He isn't talking about you. Next she'll be saying that Derek Jeter sends her a dozen red roses every other day and two dozen on weekends and holidays. And, if I were to find out he still harbored feelings for her, I would denounce baseball and throw myself off the bleachers at Yankee Stadium. Is that over-reacting?

Oh, and Mimi, they are called pants. Wear them sometime. And I don't mean those nasty jeans that barely cover your cooch and look painted on. Hmph!

Carry on! Away from Parsons.

Tim Gunn is stepping down as the chair of the department of fashion design at Parsons, and going to work at Liz Claiborne as a "creative dean" for the company. Congrats to you, Tim!

Thankfully, this will allow him to continue as fashion mentor on Bravo's Project Runway. That show would be nothing without Tim. Sure, you've got Michael Kors and Nina Garcia smacking down the hopes and dreams of the freaky designers, but Tim is the glue that holds their fragile minds and egos together. I mean, when Tim tells you to "make it work," you best do it. He knows fashion, okay?

And the adorable relationship between Tim and Heidi Klum needs to be immortalized on camera for years to come. Or at least until Tim pulls Heidi aside, hands her some birth control pills, and tells her to keep her knees together. I mean, she's pregnant at least once a year! Take a breather, Klum.

I thought he was gay

Apparently, Hayden Christiensen and Sienna Miller are really having sex in the movie Factory Girl. Ummmm......ok. And ew. And he's been rumored to be gay for years. So, what the hell?

When asked to comment, director George Hickenlooper said "no comment." That's a "Yes" in my book. When this movie fails at the box office and doesn't win the critical buzz he hoped it would, I'm sure Mr. Hickenlooper will be selling the "raw footage" for a pretty penny. You know Joe Francis, that Girls Gone Wild douche, will want in on distributing it.

Personally, I think Hayden and Sienna are both skank. He always looks wasted and she always looks dirty. Unless she's on a red carpet, and then she just looks fugly. I don't know why she is seen as a fashion icon in England. Maybe that's just a story she created to heal her broken heart after Jude's nanny lovin'. Of course, Victoria Beckham is photographed at every turn and her "fashion" is always a topic of conversation, so maybe the Sienna story is true. I guess an eating disorder and extensions are as popular in England as they are in America. You'll have no problem fitting in with the LA crowd, Vicks!

The most important part of this story, of course, is that the last name "Hickenlooper" exists. How fun!

Bye, Joey Potter. Hello, Pinky McAdams.

Rumors are swirling that Rachel McAdams will play the new love interest in the next Batman movie. Good for you, Rachel! You are one of the few women in Hollywood that doesn't annoy the piss out of me. And you were mean to Sarah Jessica Parker in The Family Stone, so you get points there, too.

The one thing I do ask is that you take the pink streaks out of your hair. They bug me for no other reason then I couldn't get away with that look, so no one else should. So there! And it has nothing to do with the fact that you and Ryan Gosling are beyond adorable together, and I'm sitting here on a Tuesday night watching a shitty episode of Gilmore Girls where Luke is forced to wear a hideous tie in order to show that if you live in a small town and own a diner, you can't possibly own a decent tie.

*deep breath*

No, there is no real reason why Katie Holmes couldn't be in the next Batman (other then Tom wanting to control her every move on account of him being a crazy prick). I mean, I didn't see the last movie, and I'm sure you could have replaced her with a mannequin and everyone would have just looked at Christian Bale and been happy, but is shopping with Vicki Beckham and occasionally holding your alien child in public all that time-consuming?

If Joshua Jackson ever loved her at all, he would get the old gang together and take the poor girl away from L Ron's Brainwash Mansion. And by "old gang," I mean the camera and lighting guys from Dawson's Creek, because you know James Van Der Beek wouldn't stand up to Tom, and Michelle Williams probably doesn't admit to having been on the show.

Good luck, Josh! Long live Pacey and Joey!

Kevin Smith and the SAGs

No, he didn't crash last night's award show. And he certainly won't be nominated for his acting any time soon. I saw him in Catch and Release this weekend and it took all my strength not to pull an Elaine in Seinfeld and scream at the screen. My gosh, is he annoying. Stick to directing Kev. And stop wearing plaid shorts. Gah.

No, on to better things.....like, The Office winning Best Comedy ensemble last night. Well deserved, of course. I am so thrilled that people are embracing this show(well, MOST PEOPLE). Some, who like to live in worlds where vampires and vampire slayers exist, like to live above giving things a chance.

Ahem.

So, anyway, how about The Office? It's great!

Also great? Little Miss Sunshine winning Best Picture ensemble. Take that, other nominated films. You suck! I would love an Oscar win to round out a great awards season for this movie.

As far as fashion, nude was the non-color of the night. Some knew how to work it, like Chandra Wilson and Cate Blanchett, and others did not. Yes, Heather Graham and Mary-Louise Parker. I mean YOU. Mary-Louise Parker has the scariest eyes I have ever seen. I don't remember being creeped out by her in Fried Green Tomatoes. What the hell happened??? She has doll eyes. Or maybe they were dilated right before the ceremony. Regardless, sister looked like a freak.

And Heather Graham had the nastiest-looking pair of stripper shoes I have ever seen on a red carpet. Ick.

Best dressed of the night were Mariska Hargitay, America Ferrera, and me. I was wearing a wine-colored long-sleeve tee from Target. It was my homage to Sharon Stone wearing a Gap t-shirt to the Oscar's a few years back. Or not. But it was comfortable and I didn't even need a stylist to pick it out for me!

Best dressed males were Patrick Dempsey and John Krasinski. It was so sweet of them to give me a special sign when they were on stage. I love you too, boys.

Maddie's most challenging role to date

No, not Swept Away. I'm talking about happy wife and mother.

The Mrs. dragged Guy, Rocco, and Lourdes to the UK premiere of her latest dud, Arthur and the Invisibles. Guy looked pissed off and bored, Rocco looked like he was dropped on his head one too many times, and Lourdes looked radiant. Seriously, when did she get that great hair? It was Pantene-perfect.

Maddie put on her best gap-toothed smile for photographers and most likely answered questions in that annoying faux-English accent that makes my skin crawl.

The real question, of course, is when she and Guy will split. I'm thinking by summer. Or whenever she sends Baby David back to his biological father. Because you know that isn't going to last.

Just like Maddie's movie career.

Moesha did what?

Okay, this is one of the funniest pictures I have ever seen.

What's not funny? Causing a traffic accident that results in someone's death.

Brandy was in a car accident on December 30th of last year. Her Land Rover hit a Toyota, which then hit the divider and bounced back into traffic on the 405. The Toyota was then sideswiped and the driver was killed.

My question? How can you hit a car on the 405? It's like a parking lot on there. AT ALL TIMES. How could our little Brandy gather enough speed to hit a car and send it into the divider?

I know I'm focusing on the wrong part of the story, but I can't help it.

Oh, and Brandy? You are in trouble.

There is just way too much going on

So, let's take a breath and dive right in.

We'll start with Oscar. So happy for Little Miss Sunshine. Along with For Your Consideration, it was my favorite movie of last year. How great would a sleeper win for Best Picture be? It would be, in the immortal words of Neil Patrick Harris on How I Met Your Mother, "legendary."

So sad that Beyonce didn't get a nomination for Dreamgirls. PLEASE. Poor Jay-Z is probably still hearing her bitch and moan about how an American Idol castoff scored an Oscar nomination and she didn't. Ear plugs, Jigga. Ear plugs.

Years ago, I took my sister to the Terrace Club in Stamford, CT to see Mark Wahlberg take off his shirt, show off his boxers, and sing "Good Vibrations." Yes, it was worth it. Sue me! Did either of us, much less ANYONE in the club that night, think that the douche on stage would one day be an Oscar-nominated actor? Uh, no. Congrats to Mark. He has grown up, been choosy about film roles, and will be walking the red carpet next month. Ari Gold would be proud.

The Academy does not like Brad Pitt. Maybe he's too pretty for them. Maybe they don't like Maddox's faux hawk. Maybe Aniston slept with a few of them to make sure Brad's name would be left off the Best Supporting Actor nomination list. Who knows? I wouldn't put it past her, though. Girl is going to kiss Courtney Cox in the season finale of Dirt. I smell desperation on all parties involved.

Whatever, Brad. I still love you! Call me after you put Shiloh down for a nap.

Now it's time for Isaiah Washington's 2007 Forgiveness Tour. I wonder if he'll play Mohegan Sun? Boy, is he f***ed. Checked into a residential treatment facility to undergo psychological testing. What am I missing? I know people who are homophobic. They aren't checking into rehab because of it. They are getting dirty looks from me, but I'm not packing their bags and checking them into a center(although, maybe I should). Something else is going on here. I'm sure ABC forced him to do this and to meet with members of GLAAD. I hope he learns tolerance and can truly understand the pain he has caused. Then I want his ass off of Grey's Anatomy.

Finally, Anne "Celestia" Heche's marriage is over. Rumor has it that she and her Men in Trees co-star, the incredibly cute James Tupper, are screwing around on set in Vancouver. OOOH! That's better then dropping X in the desert and waiting for the Mother Ship to bring you to your home planet, isn't it? I think so. Celestia does have a four-year-old son, but his name is Homer and he was going to be screwed up anyway. I mean, let's be honest.

Ben was not far behind

Scott Speedman was in Utah this past weekend, promoting his new movie Weirdsville, and looking hot. Sounds good to me.

Sadly, I have yet to see pictures of him and Keri together, but I'm not giving up. Even if it means getting no work done until I find them.

Oh, the sacrifice.

She should name it "Ben."

Keri Russell is pregnant with her first child and due in the summer. Aw, congrats Keri!


*Whaaaaaa*

No, it's fine. I'm okay with the fact that Scott Speedman isn't the father. Really. I'm okay.



*Sniff*


I wish Keri and her fiance, Shane, all the best.


*sobs*

Move over, Ryan and Isaiah. Gartan is back in town!

I was trying to decide whether to talk about Ryan being mad at Angie for dissing his sorry ass on the Golden Globes pre-show, or about Isaiah releasing a statement about how he's homophobic without ever using the word "homophobic."

BUT, screw both of them, because I just read about how Jennifer Garner, Victor Garber, and.....wait for it.....ready? Okay. AND, Michael Vartan had lunch at Orso yesterday.

Oh, hell no!

I can't believe it. Why? Why wasn't I invited? And why wasn't I invited?

I hate when ex's get along. It's like the world is off its axis.

I wonder if they talked about Ben? Or, maybe Jennifer apologized for her terrible acting in the last season of Alias. She gave new meaning to the phrase "phoning it in." Girlfriend looked bored. And fat. But she was pregnant, so that explains that.

I am in shock. I really liked to believe that Michael had a voodoo doll of Jennifer that he pricked every morning before taking his dog for a walk. And I liked the idea of Jennifer sitting in her living room, watching Monster-in-Law, and crying over the fact that she has a J.Lo connection with two men.

Eh, I'll still believe it. It centers me. It's like my own personal mental yoga.

Wait a minute. Maybe they weren't speaking this whole time, and their fairy godmother, Victor, demanded that they bury the hatchet. That makes sense. Oh, Vic. Ya little peace keeper!

If only one of them would call me and give me the real scoop. Bitches.

Lindsay in rehab. Finally.

Lindsay has checked herself into rehab. Thankfully, I can stop my fast.

So, should we just go ahead and assume she didn't have her appendix out two weeks ago? Maybe it was a bout of alcohol poisoning? Or maybe it was just her monthly trip to get her stomach pumped? Hmmmm......

Good luck, Firecrotch. I hope you find strength, peace, and a new liver.

Golden Globezzzzzzz

That last hour bored me.

First of all, The Office was robbed. It is the Best Comedy on television. Period.

Loved America Ferrara's speech. She was more poised then a lot of people twice her age.

Warren Beatty, please shut up. No wonder Annette was downing the champagne like it was water.

Congrats to Alec Baldwin. Completely deserving of his win and gave a very gracious speech. I'm sure Kim was puking, but I was happy for him.

I used to love Grey's Anatomy. Now, not so much. 24 is the Best Drama on television and deserved the award. And, Shonda Rhimes, I'd like my hearing back. Promise me you will never screech again. And the word "seriously" was over during your first nine episodes. But Dempsey looked G-O-O-D.

As for the fashion portion of the evening, I was surprised by how few misses there were. Vanessa Williams, you are a "few." Honey, what was with the hair? I thought it was a weave, but she said it was her actual hair. OH, Vanessa. YIKES! And should I go PETA on your ass about that fur? I should and will. Was it fake? Didn't look it to me. Tsk Tsk.

Sienna Miller. Oh, my. What was with the milk maid tribute? And that dress was just fugly.

Beyonce? No. Just no. She looked so trashy. Did Tina Knowles design that dress?

Cameron Diaz was also looking foul. I know all about the recent breakup, Cam, but please. Now is not a time for ruffles. Actually, is there ever a good time? And that lipstick was too much. Look to your friend, Drew, for how to dress for an awards show post-breakup. Ms. Barrymore looked divine....although, I have to take points off for the spray-on tan. She didn't veer into Charlize territory, but still. Pale is the new tan, Drew. Live it!

Reese also worked a post-breakup glow. I wasn't feeling the bangs at first, but she did really look good. The yellow was really becoming of her. Yes, I did think she might be a little too thin, but she's one of those people that obviously doesn't eat when she's stressed. I normally hate those people, but this is Elle Woods and June Carter Cash for goodness sakes! I'll give her a pass for now. Some pie wouldn't hurt, though. Oh, and SUCK IT Ryan! To think, last year he was getting sloshed with Shirley McClaine while Reese accepted her Globe. Now, he's......well, no one really cares now, either.

Kate Winslet, you looked stunning. So classy. I even liked Renee's dress. Loved that green. One question, Renee: where the hell are your eyes? I couldn't find them for the life of me. Oh, and she and Luke Perry went on a date last week. I wonder if Nat served them fries at the Peach Pit.

Meryl, I love you. You are classy and funny and contrary to what Jerry said on Seinfeld, you are no phoney baloney. And she always has the best glasses.

Brangelina. Hmmmm.......Brad looked AMAZING(said in a Melissa Rivers voice). Angie accessorized with a bitch face and fake lashes. My gosh, what was up her ass? I know there were no children to save, but it's okay to just kick back and have a drink every now and then. Good gracious, woman. Your baby daddy is smokin' hot and all you could do was walk around looking like someone farted in your face. Don't make me sympathize with Aniston.

So glad Ben and Jen were there. Oh, and I loved seeing Jen and J.J. chatting. How fun! GAG! I didn't like your dress, Jennifer. And you are too thin. And Ben looked.....off. Can't quite put my finger on it.

Cutest couple of the night were John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer. Although she is married, and he is most likely dating Rashida Jones, they were adorable walking the red carpet together. Love you, Jim and Pam.

Week-end wrap-up

1. Jessica Alba may be engaged.

2. Madonna still likes Rosie...but Brit? Not so much. Oh, and she's still trying to pull off that b.s. english accent. You are from Detroit, Madge. I can't believe how much this still bugs me. That, and how she lets her roots show. I do, but that's because I can't afford to get my hair colored every 8 weeks. That crazy ho has Like a Virgin money. COVER YOUR ROOTS.

3. Oprah hates my guts because she's allowing Julia Roberts to interview George Clooney for her Oscar special. Why do you hate me so, O? And isn't having a Barbara Walters Oscar special bad enough?

4. Paris Hilton is dumb.

5. David and Posh Spice Beckham are going to move to America and quickly discover no one gives a crap.

Where have I been?

I didn't know that Claire Danes and Billy Crudup had broken up! I would have thrown a party! Instead, I was probably just pretending to do work or half-listening to someone on the phone.

Now, the fun part of this story, besides the breakup, is that she supposedly cheated on him with one of her co-stars....who also hooked up with some men on set. LOVE IT!

The co-star is Hugh Dancy, and the project is a film entitled Evening. Now, I've seen a picture of Hugh, and I think he screams "queen" like you read about. Maybe he's just bi-curious. You know, like Liz Lemon's shoes.

Hmmm.....it's hard to decide which story is better - cheating on your boyfriend with a gay man or cheating on your boyfriend with someone that is possibly-bi-sexual-but-more-likely-gay? I'll take either for $400, Alex.

Well, karma really is a bitch. Billy cheated on Mary-Louise Parker with Claire, and now Claire has cheated on Billy with a Mary. It's the circle of life.

You know Mary-Louise is laughing her ass off while trying not to tell her son what a douche his daddy is. Actually, if he's spent any time with him, he probably already knows.

Get it together, Whitney

USA Today conducted a poll asking people which celebrity comeback they were most anticipating in 2007. The answer? Ms. Whitney "kiss my ass" Houston.

Hear that, Clive Davis? Slap a wig on her and get her in the studio, pronto. If Mimi can emancipate herself(and stop staring at rainbows long enough to make a hit album), then so can our sweaty Whitney.

Now, I love Crazy Whitney as much as the next person, but for Bobbi Christina's sake, I hope she can make a full recovery from her cracked-out, weaved-out, what day is it? phase.

Ms. Whitney beat out Brit, Jessica, and Tom Cruise in the poll. Man, who knew all of these psychos would need comebacks at the same time? What if they all try for a comeback at once??

Forget Global Warming. Comebacks might kill us this year! You heard it here first.

This has the makings to be horrible

And I love it!

The 2007 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees were announced today, and this might be the ugliest ceremony yet.

Van Halen, R.E.M, The Ronettes, Patti Smith, and Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five will be celebrated on March 12th at the Waldorf Astoria, and I'm hoping David Lee Roth crashes the party. Oh, the drama!

Apparently, only Eddie Van Halen, and his brother, Alex, are on speaking terms. Bassist Michael Anthony is now siding with Sammy Hagar in thinking that the brothers are asses. Where does this leave Dave? Well, he had a short-lived morning radio show, and was studying to be an EMT. Maybe he's saving someone as we speak. Or, talking them to death. Who knows?

What I do know is that I wish I was going to be in the audience that night, because I love R.E.M and think Michael Stipe is freaky enough to do a rendition of "Jump" with Diamond Dave. FUN!

Or, maybe Eddie will jump off the wagon and say mean things about Valerie Bertinelli. Either way, win-win.

The drug diet

Remember when these women were relevant? Sure, they were annoying then, too, but at least they had the decency to just piss me off. Now, I'm feeling sorry for them. It takes away time that I could be spending feeling sorry for myself.

Not cool, ladies. Not cool.

Things that are over

1. My New Year's resolution to be a patient person.

2. Emilie de Ravin's marriage. Yeah, I forgot that Claire, from Lost, was married. It only lasted 6 months. Lesson learned: don't get married.

3. The O.C. That's right. The show I never watched is ending next month.

4. Britney's days of pulling on a weave and throwing on something fugly. Supposedly, she's about to enter rehab. I'd be happier if she gave her kids up for adoption to Angie and Brad.

5. Justin and Cam. I never thought it would last this long. Oh, and I don't care.

Drinking heavily makes you tired....or something

Britney did it again. She drank a lot and wore an ugly outfit in public. Some girls just never learn.

Happy New Year, y'all!

Brit hosted a New Year's Eve party at Pure Nightclub (in Vegas) and barely made it past midnight before passing out. And, she had to be carried out by her bodyguards. OR, she left on her own accord around 1 am because she was extremely tired. These are the stories to choose from.

Regardless, the girl was wearing a bad weave and a too-short dress. And chomping on gum like a cow. Has it become so commonplace that no one wants to talk about that? I guess so.

Well, no need to fear, Britney! I will always find time to talk about your poor hair and fashion choices. It's one of my resolutions this year.

Yeah, I know. Sad.