The Seinfeld's have nothing better to do

So they are now helping Madge and A-Rod stay undercover from the paps.

Reports have surfaced that A-Madge took separate private helicopters to hang at the Hamptons mansion owned by Jerry and his wife, Jessica. What a fun foursome! I'm sure they played the Seinfeld version of the game "Scene It."

Gag.

I don't see Madge being tight with Jerry, but weirder things have happened in the world of celebrity. Also, isn't Jerry a Mets fan? What is he doing voluntarily spending time with A-Rod? What is ANYONE doing voluntarily spending time with A-Rod?

These are the important questions, everyone!

Also, Happy Halloween. Not sure what to be this year? Just stick a "Hi, My Name is" name tag on your shirt and write "Dave."

Someone is wreaking havoc on the DWTS set

Is Cloris that pissed about getting the boot? What about Karina? She looked irate when she and Rocco were voted off a few weeks ago.

Someone is brewing some evil spells on the set of Dancing with the Stars, because a 2nd dancer, Lacey Schwimmer, has been diagnosed with endometriosis. This comes days after Julianne Hough announced she would undergo an appendectomy related to the condition.

I can see Susan Lucci digging deep into her Erica Kane persona and 'accidentally' pulling hair from fellow contestants to create spells that would sideline them. If anyone knows how to stop someone dead in their tracks, it's Erica Kane. She'll cut a bitch.

So far, no word on whether Lacey will have to be replaced with another dancer. Oh my gosh, they should totally get Darrin Henson, who made that video "Darrin's Dance Grooves" that I always used to see on MTV. Or, maybe Lacey's partner, Lance Bass, can make a call to Britney to fill in. I would love them to recreate her 'Oops, I Did It Again' video, complete with cheesy dialogue between Brit and the astronaut.

Sue me, I used to watch videos.

Joaquin is over it

Joaquin Phoenix announced in a red carpet interview that he is retiring in order to work on his music.

Uh...congrats?

The two-time Oscar nominee will (last?) be seen in the upcoming Two Lovers with Gwynnie Paltrow. Well, that might be your answer right there. Gwynnie must be exhausting to work with.

Oh, Merrill from Signs! I also enjoyed him in Return to Paradise with Vince Vaughn and Anne Heche. Depressing movie, but I believe I saw it for free during the Boston days, so I'm sure I bought candy afterwards to take the edge off. And, of course, his portrayal of Johnny Cash in Walk the Line was mesmerizing and earned him and Oscar nomination.

And what is this I'm hearing about him spending time with ex Liv Tyler? Truth and time will tell if that rekindles.

Best of luck to Joaquin in whatever he does. The poor man had his brother die in his arms. He deserves happiness.

And I'd like to thank loyal reader, Erin, and loyal diva, Jessica, for their comments.

Funny that there is no recap of The Hills today. Hmmmm....

It's the same old song

Breaking news out of Baltimore: The Hills recapper, Jessica, is back to her diva ways.

Shocked? Didn't think so.

After jet-setting to Miami for a long weekend, the disgraced recapper has halted efforts to rebuild her tarnished image by choosing baseball over recaps. Interesting. Last I checked, she was a Yankees fan. Sadly, the Yankees are not in the World Series this year.

That didn't stop someone from saying "Later!" (in her best Lo Bosworth voice) to a new episode of The Hills in favor of watching Game 5 between the Phillies and Rays last night.

A loyal reader, who asked to remain nameless, wrote that she saw Recapper Jessica at a local Baltimore bar after 10pm, enjoying the high life. Said reader also overheard Recapper Jessica laughing and saying, "Maybe I'll get to the recap tomorrow. Maybe not. We'll see."

Someone is drunk with power.

If anyone else has a spotting that they would like to share, I encourage you to do so. I think it is time to expose Recapper Jessica as the heartless diva that fame from a regular Tuesday blog spot has turned her into.

Stay tuned.

Little Amy popped

Congrats to Amy Poehler and her husband, Will Arnett, on the birth of their son, Archie.

Amy gave birth on Saturday, causing her to miss SNL. I hope she can make one final appearance before she, Will, and Archie move out to Cali for her new comedy series on NBC.

Speaking of SNL, Chris Martin is annoying. He and Gwynnie are so perfect together.

Someone from Gossip Girl hospitalized

This one is for The Hills recapper, Jessica, who is a huge GG fan.

A slight blonde girl, Taylor Momsen, was hospitalized for a "potentially life-threatening" illness at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center on Sunday, but was released yesterday in good spirits. Hmmm....

Taylor plays Jenny Humphrey on the popular CW show.

Take a look at before and after photos of Taylor when you get a chance. Girl looks gaunt and dead behind her eyes now. Not a good look on anyone, but she is only 15. Yikes.

I watched the pilot last year and quickly dismissed it. Spoiled brats running around NY with stank attitudes and designer clothes does nothing for me. Yawn. And I'm still creeped out by Chuck Bass. That hair and smarm is ghastly.

XOXO Celebrity Skewer

How do you spell desperate?

J-E-N-N-I-F-E-R A-N-I-S-T-O-N.

Girl, please.

First, back with Mayer. Now, rumors swirling that the real reason for the reunion is that she is pregnant.

Say it ain't so!

Her publicist denies it, but I'm wary. Good ole' Liz Rosenberg denied there were any problems and definitely not a divorce in sight for Madge and Guy. Uh-huh.

Oh, Maniston.

The Hills and some other thoughts

I've been really busy at work and haven't been updating on all that is happening in the world of entertainment. I hate multi-tasking, so I'll blame that. Or, that I am so distraught over the Guy/Madge divorce that I haven't been able to sleep, eat, or think properly. Which should I go with?

Anyway, let's get on with this week's installment of the The Hills recap:

So, pure laziness kept me from posting a recap of last week's episode. I basically only had two real comments anyway: 1. Audrina is clearly an avid skinnydipper (which we should've figured) and 2. Lauren should never experiment with hats again.

Tonight, we're in Cabo for Brody's birthday extravaganza. Let's get started.

Isn't Lo noticeably missing from this trip? She should be frolicking in the ocean like the other girls. Where is she?

Thanks to Doug, the wise sage, for sharing his knowledge in the hot tub with the boys. PS, four dudes in a hot tub...?

I see Justin's going for the greaser John Travolta hairstyle while on vacay. Interesting.

What is the combined IQ of the girls Doug ushered into the house? I don't think there are any doctors in that group.

Who is more orange, Stephanie or Heidi? I think Heidi wins tonight.

I don't want to see Spencer stretching after a workout. Or ever.

I'm beyond over the Audrina-Justin Bobby storyline. Will we ever be free of JB? Judging from next week's scenes, it doesn't look like it.

Is everyone excited to catch the sneak peek of Whitney's new show during the after show? Eh, I'm not. Maybe I'll catch it on YouTube.

Maddie and Guy are over

Official word came from Maddie's mouthpiece, Liz Rosenberg, that the two are divorcing after 7 1/2 years of marriage.

Surprised? Not really. Rumors have swirled for quite some time and I think the most telling sign was how little time they were actually spending together. It seemed that they were already living separate lives.

Now comes the settlement, which I expect will take a while. Madge is reported to be worth over 500 million. Guy....less than that.

A-Rod, stay away.

Maniston redux

Really, Jen?

Someone is having a meltdown from all of the Brange coverage.

Can't wait for John's blogging about the big second chance and how they just couldn't live without each other.

I smell desperation on both sides.

Brad shoots Angie for W Magazine

With a camera, folks. With a camera.

You can see some of the pics from the portfolio online. Stunning. Brad demanded special film that people had to go through hoops (and fly to other countries) to get.

The results are quite beautiful. Angie does not look like she just gave birth a few weeks ago to twins. It's very annoying.

There is also an interview with Angie in the magazine where she talks about Brad's love for Zahara and Maddox being the catalyst for her wanting to get pregnant.

I'm thinking this is an issue Aniston will skip.

Let J and Jay make you over

The CW has ordered a pilot of Operation Fabulous, a new makeover show starring Miss J and Jay Manuel of America's Next Top Model. Tyra will be an executive producer.

The concept is for the two to travel the country and give women makeovers. In some towns, five participants will be chosen to have complete transformations: clothes, hair, and makeup.

I'll give it a shot, because I do love What Not to Wear and Tim Gunn's Guide to Style. I don't watch ANTM, but I have seen the two judge celebrities on E!'s Fashion Police. Get out your claws, because they are C-A-T-T-Y. Meow. I'm sure they will have to reign it in on this show.

Or, maybe they won't and people will tune in to see how many women they make cry per episode. You know Tyra would love that.

Lauren Bacall can get away with this

The woman has been around the block, seen the craziness of Hollywood for decades, and knows from whacked-out. So it should come as no surprise that she thinks Tom Cruise is a "maniac." HA! Preach it, sister!

Ms. Bacall was interviewed for the current Elle Magazine profile on Nicole Kidman and talked about how unhappy Nic was while they filmed the movie Dogville together in 2003...two years after the Cruise/Kidman marriage bit the dust. Hmmm....Nic was still unhappy two years later? Was it about Tom or was it about Eyes Wide Shut? I am still deeply troubled by the fact that I spent money on that piece of crap. And the piano score? STOP IT! Gave me a migraine. What a nightmare.

But enough about me.

LB also says she "can't understand the way he conducts his life." You and me, both. I mean, what's with the shoe lifts and making Katie get that boyish haircut? Yikes. And I hear that he doesn't let Suri play with other kids. That's healthy. Maybe Rule #1 of being the poster child of Scientology is that you can't have friends. Poor Suri.

I'm just as dumb as my sister, y'all!

Star Magazine is reporting that little country bumpkin (and complete idiot), Jamie Lynn Spears, is pregnant again.

Damn! Girl just popped out little Maddie three months ago.

I really hope this isn't true. The world isn't ready for another Spears breakdown-in-the-making.

Everyone hide their umbrellas and keep Jamie Lynn away from the salons!

Drinks are Harmless

Lo Bosworth you're so innocent, so unassuming.

Drinks are full of harm. Tonight's episode showed us that alcoholic beverages make Audrina's latest boytoy turn into a giddy schoolgirl. Although they don't seem to have any affect on Lo's ability to roll her eyes while looking completely disinterested in those she's having conversations with. Okay, so not so harmful. Yet.

Why did Heidi sign her full name at the end of her "apology" letter to Lauren? If she had just signed it 'Heidi', do you think Lauren would've been lost as to who it was from?

Poolside Audrina seemed more with it than normal. I'm sure it was only temporary and she'll return to stupidity soon enough.

How much does Justin Bobby rake in for every episode? I'm thinking that he hangs out with Audrina just so he can make some cash.

How much did Spencer look like a serial killer in the final scene tonight? Frightening. Just...frightening.

SNL all over this mess

Did you watch the debate last night? I did. Well, the first hour of it. Then I had to TiVo It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia because that show is hilarious and Holla! to all of my Philly readers. I'm thinking the Phillies will sweep. And you?

Well, as I was tabulating how many times Gov. Palin used the work 'heck,' SNL was busy planning a VP debate sketch for this Saturday. Sources have confirmed to People Magazine that Queen Latifah has been booked to play last night's moderator, Gwen Ifill. Love it. All hail the Queen! And all hail Tina Fey, who will have to be back for her spot on impersonation of Gov. Palin. Classic.

Anne Hathaway hosts and The Killers are the musical guest.

And I would like to give a shout out (like, from the 90s) to Celebrity Skewer reader, Erin. She is friends with resident Diva and The Hills Recapper, Jessica. The two are aspiring wedding planners, don't you know? I expect their clientele to be high profile and for an invite to be extended to me. No pressure, though.

And, if the pieces fall nicely into place, they will one day be planning my wedding to a Mr. John Krasinski.

Let's hope it's the one from The Office.

Brange in NYC

The Newmaniums's (ha!) Brady Bunch arrived in New York last night as Angie prepares for the premiere of her Oscar-buzzworthy new film, The Changeling.

All seems right in the world when the couple that just can't stop having kids settles back in the US for a quick visit. My sinuses seem more controlled and there is a definite spring in my step. Brange heals all ills.

Or is it just the uppers I've been popping? Hmmmm?

Anyway, rumors have been swirling for weeks that Angie is not doing well after giving birth to Knox and Vivienne in July. Postpartum depression seems to have a hold on her and is making her life a living hell.

Or could it be the fact that she has 6 kids under the age of 7? Good gracious, I need a nap just thinking about dealing with Maddox's jealousy issues. I wonder if anyone has been written on in permanent marker "by accident" yet...hmmmm? Maddox looks like he doesn't play around and may cut someone if his sleep patterns are disturbed by crying babies.

I hear ya, Mad. Babies are the worst.

Best of luck on surviving in the Big Apple! Brad, meet me at Bungalow 8 tonight.

300th post

P-A-R-T-Y!

Wow, I don't really do much work at work, do I? 300 posts? Yikes. Don't rat on me, IT Department!

Who to thank? Let's see...in no particular order, I'd like to thank the following: myself, my cat, John Krasinski, Derek Jeter, Ben, Jerry, all forms of chocolate, Recapper Jessica, Tim Gunn, celebrities doing stupid things, Franklin from Arrested Development, Larry Mullen, Jr. and his undying love for me, vacation days, David Letterman, internet access at work, Hootie, TiVo, and YOU, my loyal reader(s).

Hopefully I'll have a job for another 300 posts.